What to you is support as a SO of a PA?

I'm sorry to post on the Partners of Rebooters but I am wanting to start a thread on what support is to you guys.  I'm wanting to know what us as PAs can do support and build up our partners.  I apologize if this has already been beat to death or if there's already threads with all this.
My SO has voiced that honesty is definitely number 1.  I get that.  I also get that my lack of integrity in how I handle my life has resulted in her not trusting me 100%,  or that she may never be 100% again.  It breaks my heart,  but I know that our relationship has been forever changed by what I've done.  I struggle with pure honesty,  I want her to be happy,  to be somehow shielded from this sometimes ugly world,  and her not to be angry with me.  This has of course brought us here,  a marriage that's definitely on the rocks. 
She has also voiced for me to take the initiative.  I am trying to deal with my poor integrity as well as some of my rather poor character traits,  but I think to her I'm just doing a 90 day reboot and yay for me. 
I feel like she has been supportive to me in my recovery,  and wants me to be more supportive in hers.  I want to be that for her,  I'm just too lost to do that.
So I guess that brings the question;  what is support for you as a SO of a PA?  Does bringing romance back to the relationship a big thing?  Daily appreciation for sticking by our side even when it would be easier to leave?  For us to be constantly sorry for what we have done?  Small things like love notes or poems or cheesy whatnots?  Or is it more of an emotional supportive thing?  Or just time and patience?
I'm not saying that what works for you would work for her,  but I think an open dialog might be helpful for everyone,  as I'm sure there are plenty of clueless PAs who really do want to help their SO and need somewhere to start.

I will share with you some things that my husband and I are doing/learning about true, genuine forgiveness. Many of these came from the book, "How Can I Forgive Your?: The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To." as well as the book, "After the Affair". I know not everyone sees PA as infidelity, but many women do - or at least respond to PA the same way people respond to marital infidelity. The first big component is that the betraying spouse must indeed, earn forgiveness. There are six areas that are deemed "critical tasks" for earning forgiveness:

1. Look at your mistaken assumptions about forgiveness and see how they block your efforts to earn it. While the book covers a number of assumptions, one that resonated with my husband the most was the myth that he didn't deserve to be forgiven. He had to work through that and realize that forgiveness is a choice the hurt person takes when the betraying partner shows to truly are seeking forgiveness.

2. Bear witness to the pain you caused. This is a big one because often times betraying people want to get it over with and not really think about or talk about the issue again. Some advice for how to bear witness to the pain includes: encourage the person you hurt to share her pain (the author points out that if you don't draw her out and encourage her to talk through her injury, she'll never get close to you or forgive you); initiate discussion about the injury (basically - when you bring up the violation, you let the hurt person know that it's on your mind too, another point made is that if you want your partner to move on, you must pay attention to her pain. If you don't, she will); listen to the hurt person's pain with an open heart (again the author points out that while you may want to run from the anguish you inflicted - don't, your listening helps her to open up to you and let you back into her life). The book then covers advice for active listening.

3. Apologize genuinely, non-defensively, responsibly. This part covers the seven elements of a genuine apology. The elements are 1) take responsibility for the damage you caused, 2) make your apology personal, 3) make your apology specific (meaning you will be apologizing for things you did individually and not a sweeping "sorry I hurt you") 4) make your apology deep, 5) make your apology heartfelt (basically, not apologize for selfish reasons, for you to be genuinely forgiven - your remise must be real, profound, and enduring) 6) make your apology clean 7) apologize repeatedly (for surface wounds, apologizing is enough, for serious injury you may need to apologize again and again). Other aspects of the apology including: needing to go beyond confession, need to go beyond an expression of regret, needs to go beyond 'icing on a rancid cake' (when you hurt someone you may want to do nice things for her, but these loving behaviors cannot substitute for a true apology. They are collateral gifts and may convey an honest wish to make up, but they're not enough to earn forgiveness. The book goes on to provide examples of bad and good apologies as guidelines.

4. Seek to understand your behavior and reveal the inglorious truth about yourself to the person you hurt. This was the one of the truest statements in the book, "When she asks you, "Why did you do it? Why did you hurt me so?" and you respond, "I don't know," she's likely to go ballistic. If you haven't a clue, why wouldn't you hurt her again? Why should she feel safe with you? Why should she forgive you?"  And - one piece of advice from me - DO NOT blame dopamine! That explains how you got addicted, that doesn't explain why you turned to porn and not her, that doesn't explain what took you so long to seek help, that doesn't explain why her love for you was not enough for you to seek help sooner, and dopamine does not at all, in any way, shape, or form - explain lying! Back to the book, it encourages you to explore the source of your behavior and gives you guidance in how to do that.

5. Work to earn back trust. Things that are required for rebuilding trust include 1: engaging in low-cost and high-cost trust-building behaviors, filling out a dysfunctional thought form (it tells you what the form is and how to use it, it basically helps you to show your spouse how you are actively working to change those things that set you up for failure and change starts with your thoughts), realization notes (these are brief cards or e-mails you send to the hurt person to demonstrate that you're disturbed by your behavior and are trying to change, and finally - plan a recommitment ceremony.

6. Forgive yourself for injuring another person. The final element goes into great detail on how and why you need to forgive yourself. If you don't forgive yourself, you are likely to sabotage any efforts you make at trying to earn her trust and forgiveness.

As you can see, there are a lot of elements to this particular aspect - and that is just one part of the book. The "After the Affair" book is chalked with many more important components and key tasks that can be completed. The big thing is - this is hard work. However, when you begin to understand just how deep her pain is you will understand why it takes so much time, effort, and commitment to earn back her trust and forgiveness. While what you have to do may feel overwhelming consider this - the only reason she is hurt this deeply is because she loved you so deeply. For now she is still with you - despite her pain, despite her disappointment, despite her wondering just how the real you is - she is still there. That is a very, very deep love - why would you risk for one minute having her shut you out of her heart for too long? If she loved you even just a little less, she would have been out the door right now. That is such an amazing love and a love not many people get a chance to experience - why would you risk losing it. Her staying with you demonstrates her love for you. Now - it is time for you to demonstrate your love for her.

Another important element of the book (After the Affair) is that it generally takes a minimum of 18 months for trust to truly be rebuilt. while that may feel like a long time, when you think about what you did - it probably pales in comparison to how long you were PMO. Every single time to snuck out the room - that was a lie, every time you PMO instead of being intimate with your significant other - that was another betrayal. You have to remember you didn't commit one transgression, you committed a number of transgressions over time. Every single one caused a cut. One big cut could simply be sewed up with a bandage put on and given a set timeframe and an easy way to monitory healing. That isn't what you did. She doesn't have one big wound, but a thousand little and some big wounds. Some wounds are jagged and not clean - sewing them up will take specialized skill. Some might even be infected. When you have 1,000 cuts there is no where to put a bandage, so the wounds stay out in the open - constantly reminding both of you that they are there and need attention. The good thing is that because they are out in the open, you can watch them heal. One hundred might heal quickly, rejoice in those victories. And, there might be some stubborn ones - those in hard to reach places, that take significant time and effort to heal. And don't be upset when she finds a new wound she didn't know was there at first. As the ones hurting the most at the time get her attention, as those begin to heal she may find a few hiding in a corner.

One thing I would say do is to close your eyes, visualize your SO, and think of every singly PMO session as a swipe at her with a razor blade. Now, every lie you told is a swipe at her with a box cutter. Do you see how filled with wounds she is? Do you see why she looks in the mirror and feels like she is ugly and unlovable? She sees each and every one of those wounds. She can't even see her own beauty anymore, just the scars. She doesn't trust you right now because she is wondering how you continued to jab the blade at her over and over and over again - yet now say that you love her. She is wondering - how can you hurt someone so badly that you claim to love? Now, I get when you were in your dopamine high and having a blast with PMO you did realize at the time what wounds those sessions were causing to your SO. However, your ignorance of the pain you were causing doesn't matter. What matters is that she is hurt and you are the one that hurt her. If you love her - you will be the one to wash her wounds, put on the healing salve, attend to the bandages, apply cream to try to ensure they don't leave a scar, and most importantly - stand by and hold her and love on her and be there for her as the pain from the wounds at first sets every areas of her soul on fire and then slowly - very slowly, the pain will subside. Remember, just because you can see her scars doesn't mean you know how much pain she is feeling. Sometimes a paper cut hurts worse than a much more 'significant' injury. Let her tell you what her pain level is. It will be uncomfortable for you, you will probably want to run away and hide as the reality of the hurt you caused her comes into focus. If you truly love her, you will face it all and help her through it. Hopefully, seeing the full reality of the results of your journey into PA will be enough motivation for you to never, ever, ever return to porn again. While it may have "broken your dick" as is often stated around here, your porn use broke her - who she is, who she thought she was, what she thought your relationship was all about - all of those things, broken and in tiny pieces scattered through her heart and mind. If you love her, you will gently and consistently help her find every piece, and glue them back together again. Fixing a dick is easy - 90 days and good as new. There is no 90 day magic window for her. While it is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part constantly remind yourself that the reason why she is so broken is because the love she has for you is so strong. The reason why you have to work so hard to earn back her trust is because of how much she trusted you at the time. If she thought of you as a lying, dirty dog she wouldn't even flinch when she found out. She didn't see you as a lying dirty dog - she saw you as an amazing, honorable, and trustworthy man. Your job is to become the man she always thought you were.

Still me,  magnificent job to the nth degree.  Everything is so true!  This should be athread of its own.  This is the work that MUST be done!

Have you told her you want to help her through this?  Have you asked her what you can do to help her deal?  Have you been a true listener to her?

I think back on the times I sobbed and sobbed about how stupid I was to let someone get over on me for so long  I think I said fucking stupid.  And he held me if I needed it.

Just be there

StillMe,
Wow what an amazing post!  You have inspired me to get that book.  And I do agree that PMO is a form of infidelity.  I have cheated on her for a long time,  and lied continually to her face about it.  I do want to completely commit myself to help her heal,  and I'm realizing A LOT of the healing really needs to be facilitated by myself.
Also I really feel like your metaphors are powerful.  It really struck home for me.
Sadly,  a lot of the information you have given she has said to me before.  It may have been phrased differently,  but yet I still felt clueless.  Thank you for communicating all of that,  I really needed to hear it again.  And now that it's written I can read and reread as a constant reminder for myself.
Gracie,  I have voiced that I want to help her through this.  I have many times.  But saying and doing are two different things.  I think she feels like I have just been saying.  And I try my hardest to be a true listener to her.

I found this on the web and thought it was quite helpful for a quicker read:
http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc.
It's good a spelling out what our partner may need from you for us clueless ones.  It's geared for a "cheating on another person" spouse but if I'd imagine if your reading this you also feel like me that PA is cheating.
Hope this helps!

"her staying with you demonstrates her love for you. Now - it is time for you to demonstrate your love for her."

That has been my mission since this thing started. Thanks for such a great post StillMe.

That's a really interesting question because I've never actually asked myself what I want in terms of receiving support from others. I don't ask much from my partner other than openness and honesty, and communicating clearly, but these are learned skills that he has yet to master and his tendency to "revert to type"'is still very evident in the sense that HE finds it easiest to say nothing and avoid potential conflict. I feel that it gets in the way of MY recovery.

OK, the most important part of my recovery is learning to feel OK about being myself again. Initially I wanted to hear positive feedback for him. I wanted compliments and appreciation, I wanted to know that I matter in his life. Initially, he was very forthcoming with his compliments etc but gradually they fizzled out and now they're less and less. He even seemed pissed that I was making more effort with my appearance, after a while of him noticing. Recently I bought myself something new to wear and he said nothing. Later on, I mentioned it and he said, "yes I did notice". So I asked why he didn't say anything and he said it wasn't important. Obviously it's important enough for me, otherwise I wouldn't have bought it and worn it. At that point I realised it's how I feel about myself that matters and to hell with him, and what he doesn't say. Do I need his compliments for "support"? No, because it's ultimately about feeling good about being myself and not trying to catch his eye or win his favor. That's a lesson learned, it's about self reliance.

I'm also reading and learning a lot about various issues to do with the effects of porn and unattainable highly sexualised images and the society-wide effects on women. This kind of information tells me I'm not alone, and that he was the one who was fucked up in the head, not me. Sure, I was in despair and at the edge of self harm because of his "all men do it" porn addiction that went on for 15 fucking years. That's right. 15 long and miserable years for me. His brain was being rotted away and rewired, and like a fool I just accepted it, accepted that our sex life was over, all because he found something "better" ? better for him, miserable for me. Still, it was his decision. His choice. He could have quit the first time I caught him. Or the second time. Or the third. Get the picture? What I went through is what so many women do ? they can't "complete" with porn, or the "sexy" music videos on YouTube, or these scantily clad celebs, and all the fucking rest of it. But there he was, like a moth to a flame. The reason why I suffered so much is because it was my own husband doing this and making me feel like shit, like I wasn't even a woman any more. He put me out to pasture ? sexism, objectification, ageism, body fascism, call it what you will ? I thought he was better than, he was all for "feminism" at one time but he was the world's worst when it came down to it. He treated his wife like shit!

So anyway, I've read and watched stuff around how all this shit affects women's self esteem, and how women are actually having surgery and going on diets and spending a shitload on crap that promises that they too can be desirable objects. It's an important part of my recovery because it's about rediscovering MY values. It helps me to draw my boundary lines. And I just wish he could see it too, all this shit that women have to go through in today's society. I feel that I'm on my own with it all.

The other thing I need to come to terms with is my body image and it can't come from him. He was obsessed with huge breasts and just before his porn addiction killed off our sex life completely, he wasn't even touching my breasts during lovemaking. Not even a 2 second courtesy grope, I mean nothing. And then when I discovered his porn videos they were all very large and huge breasts. I've actually had to learn to look in the mirror and learn to accept and appreciate my breasts. And you know what? They're pretty nice!! I have learned that no matter what size and shape a woman is, she feels her breasts aren't this enough or that enough. I grew up feeling OK about mine and nobody else was complaining. But the man I was married to didn't even want to touch them. Now he says he "can't remember" but I certainly do. How could I forget?

What his porn habit did to me, the devastation of my self esteem, my sexual confidence, my body image, it destroyed me on the inside. The lies were just like putting out the fire with gasoline. I still don't know what I'm left with, wondering who I am, and what staying in this marriage means to me now. I guess support to me is something that I can only truly find with people who have been through it too. I have to learn to support myself. I honestly believe it can't come from my partner because of his own issues around guilt and shame.

Emerald Blue thanks for your reply.  It's always good to hear plenty of perspectives.
I agree that most people don't see our issues with P.  I feel like people's consciousness hasn't reached critical mass that this is an addiction problem.  Like how 60 years ago no one thought twice about cigarettes.  I hope by all of our participation in these communities we can help to bring awareness to this growing problem.  Body awareness is another where commercialism has used "sex" as a selling point,  letting things get out of control.  I think we've all heard "sex sells" as a euphemism,  and the sad reality is it slowly programs all of us to aspire to be what doesn't actually exist.  Porn industry is probably the epitome of that,  but I can think of plenty of media outlets not labeled as such slowly brainwashing us with their efforts to sell whatever product they make.
As I've journeyed in helping my SO the best I can I've run into the problem of character immaturity.  I've really thought about it,  looked at the other guys I know,  and gave it more thought.  I'm thinking that the vast ( and I mean VAST) majority of men are at least somewhat lacking in character in various.  I know as a fact I am.  I've also been thinking that my lack of character ( I'd say both integrity and responsibility) has had a direct contribution to my PA.  I mean if I had plenty of integrity I would never had carried this lie,  and if I felt more responsibility to my SO and family I wouldn't have wasted the time PMOing when I should have been working. 
I've tried to grow as a person,  and make improvements to myself in attitude,  selfishness,  greed etc,  but I've always hung onto the P until this summer.  It was like my selfish little indulgence,  and something I kept to myself even when my SO has made it clear our entire marriage integrity is most important to her.  I think holding out kept me stunted,  not fully growing into a "man".  There's 1000 excuses I can come up with ( like my parents didn't teach me character,  I didn't know how to grow etc) but the bottom line is I'm here.  I want to grow out of some emotional adolescence.  It's painstaking slow for both of us,  but in truth there isnt much we can do.  I should have been doing this a lot younger in my life,  but I didn't and here I am.
It's hard standing by my SO with her pain.  She hates to question my actions,  and she hates not trusting me.  I hate it too,  but it's what I've caused.  I feel like our relationship is improving,  but every step backwards ( and they occur) is extremely painful for both of us.
Lastly I want to note that my shares are not intended to offend anyone.  I'm attempted to share my successes and failures as well as some of my perspective.  If my opinions are not welcome,  or offensive,  or just crappy please let me know.  I am here to help all of us and the last thing I want to do is cause more pain to anyone (I've done plenty already  :-\ )

metal22, I think you've made a really important point about emotional maturity and being stuck in permanent adolescence. I actually believe it's the culture we are now living in. The "ideal" image of a man as presented in popular media, computer games, etc, is the adolescent fantasy of living in a non stop action movie with no responsibility, being able to get what you want through macho behavior, with lots of loud meaningless music and an endless supply of willing and available "babes". OK, we can see the appeal of the action movies and the special FX, and the music videos with scantily clad dancers to 13 year olds ? who are also getting an unrealistic sex education from porn. The channels that show all the trashy TV featuring objectified and highly sexualised women are targeting the 18-35 year old male, as the target audience for advertising, so they're happily immersed in this kidult zone where nobody grows up, and then by the time they're hitting 40 and the midlife crisis it's "Where's my sports car? Where's my centrefold glamor model girlfriend?" etc. So what do they do to escape their rather mundane reality? Buy more "stuff", more brands marketed at the young, start dressing "young", escape into porn and imagine himself with younger "hot" women. Or rent one for a few minutes in a strip club. It's like trying to stay in this perpetual adolescence and our overly-commercialised culture that promises us the "dream" even if it's only through buying something as mundane as deodorant stick. I'm sure that you have found that porn promises much but never really delivers, yet somehow it's that same old crap, that same old anticipation of something good, something better, something more exciting that keeps us sucking up the messages and consuming more and more. It's one aspect of a very very VERY complex problem, but I'm certain that emotional immaturity ties in with the value that the media and our visual culture places on youth. Immature behavior in young men equals "cool".

My partner didn't really develop the skills of adult communication when he was growing up, nor did he see helpful and mature behavior being role modelled by his parents. He was quite good at mimicking being a grown up, and I would say it's also part of the reason why he could hide what was going on so expertly when he'd been out at a strip bar or wherever. I mean, I had no fucking clue whatsoever. I didn't even suspect he'd ever be interested. Even when he was using porn at home he had his routine to cover his tracks down to a T. I knew, but I couldn't "catch" him. Even after d day, it was a shock to discover how easily he could lie, and so nonchalantly. He'd look me straight in the eye when he did it. That's why I cannot trust him in the same way again. It's not the end of trust, it's my own more realistic re-assessment of trust.

My partner has made a lot of progress in facing up to reality. One recurrent theme is growing older and all the things he didn't do because of the attention he diverted toward porn. It seems that maintaining the habit seems to take up at least as much if not more energy than the time spent acting out. I really don't know how men think of themselves when they are in 'porn mode', whether they really do trick themselves into believing they are still some cool 20-something dude, that the porn women give him an imaginary status or pretence of being something other than some middle aged guy with the usual midlife issues. But it seems to me that when my husband was using porn he never seemed to realise that he was getting older, and since he quit he really has that sense of time passing. Women, on the other hand, are reminded on a daily basis that we need to work hard at fighting off the inevitable appearance of ageing. If we don't we'll be swapped out for a younger model or, as in our case here, an unlimited supply of mediated, very young, highly sexualised, virtual "women".

Interesting idea. I definitely think most partners here recognise that perennial adolescent in their own spouses.

I'm pretty new to the forum, but not new to bring the SO if an addict. I know from my own situation that it sounds like a good time to "start over" with her too. Maybe start by asking her out on a fun date!! Make her laugh, and smile, and help her remember who you were before the P took her joy. It won't make it all go away but it will give her a glimse of what you are working towards.
The whole issue with P is how it kills the romance and intimacy between a couple. Now you need to bring it back using actions!!

The best thing a porn addict can do is grow up and take responsibility for their own behavior.

One thing I've been coming to terms with is the length of time it takes for recovery.  We discussed that it I did this for 13 years and it may very well take 13 years before the pain is gone.  It's something I've committed to.  We are going to heal together,  each supporting the other person.  I know it's not fair for her,  she isn't the one that did this. 
Noroomforit,  thanks for the advice.  I did take her out to dinner this saturday as a surprise.  I felt like she did appreciate it,  though I think there's just too much water under the bridge to start over in our relationship.  The pain I've caused is just too deep,  the broken trust just too broken.  We just have to try to figure how our relationship will need to evolve into something better again.
EB,  I'm still continuing to recognize my immaturity.  I used to have all kinds of toys ( project cars mainly) in my 20s.  Looking back I felt like our family had to sacrifice for them.  I have given all that up,  but even now I pour myself into our business,  and often at the expense of the families time.  I'm still struggling to find the balance,  to be there for my wife and my family,  but also to be the "man" of the house.

My husband and I have been married 13 years and together almost 16. I walked in on him in July and it's been a he'll ride of lies and discovery since.

The biggest thing I need is for him to understand the pain he's caused. He was saying things like "I know you feel cheated on" but what does that actually mean? How does it feel to be cheated on and for 16 years and to feel everything was a sham or a lie. I told my therapist i feel like my husband died, the man I thought I was married to no longer exists and yet here in my house is this man that looks like him but lies to me to try to save his own butt. Who apologies by saying "I'm sorry but...." which is no apology at all. When asked why he looked at porn and Instagram and women on Facebook I get cos it was fun, cos they are beautiful etc, when I meant why do that when you are fucking married and told me I was the only one for you and there are no answers. The behavior after and lack of understanding just heaps more pain upon what is already unbearable.
The pain from this has physically hurt, my heart has been totally broken, my soul wounded. That pain needs to be heard and empathy given

Cuppatea,
I definitely hear what you're saying.  There seems to be a lot of parallels for my wife and I and you two.  What you feel is what my wife feels.  Unfortunately my perspective is much different from my wife and I have said the same things as you husband.  My wife has specifically spelled out what she needs from me,  you SO's of PAs have also reinforced it,  and I STILL struggle daily.  I sincerely hope your husband can become the support you need from him.

Above all, I'd like to be listened to and understood when I express how I feel. How I feel has changed over time as I have assimilated my new reality as the partner of a longtime porn addict. Each significant stage of my recovery is usually accompanied by looking back and realising how unhealthy my core beliefs had become and recognising that for years I had no voice; I was denied my sexuality within in relationship which I assumed was monogamous ? hence I did not seek to explore my sexuality outside of my marriage; I accepted an unfair power relationship; I assumed the identity of being the "unattractive woman" and regarded his lack of interest in me as "proof"; I denied that I had no sexual needs of my own, especially to myself; I had internalised many negative beliefs about myself; I felt I had no right to express myself.

Sometimes I just need my partner to listen without becoming defensive or glossing over the past. MY past. My husband is truly sorry for hurting me. I know that.

Sometimes I'd like him just to listen. Sometimes I have flashbacks to the things I saw and I hate to think of him getting off to that shit. Sometimes I just want him to consider that the porn industry and the sex industry isn't one big happy family. Sometimes I'd like him to acknowledge that it's an evil exploitative business that hurts real people and makes huge profits at the expense of frightened, damaged and abused women and girls. That is wrong, in the sense of fundamental human rights, to treat human beings like cash cows and live meat, to be bought and traded for someone else's profit. And for what? Because your orgasm matters more? I paid my price in misery. The women in these movies are being used, abused and spat out. And all for what? Why add to the human suffering on this planet by buying into the porn trade? By supporting the sex trade? By supporting this sick industry? And yes, it would help if he could denounce this relentless trading in the flesh of human beings.

Metal22 I asked my husband to read that mini book which you linked to in your post and I think we might finally have hit a turning point, so just wanted to thank you for posting it