Author Topic: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back  (Read 1868 times)

numbandstuck

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28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« on: August 22, 2016, 07:19:40 AM »
Hi dudes,

Here's my short story.

Got into PMO really early in my teen years. Quickly went from humping anything like a dog to porn and from there it was a downhill... [deleted due to triggers]... It became frightening. I realised I never had sex with a girl. So finally one girl I met, was much younger than me and though she was really great, I knew I was only gonna use her to see if I can have normal sex. By this tought alone I felt like an asshole. One time when she sat on my laps I felt my dick going hard, that's awesome I thought! I PMO a few times between our dates. One day I drove to her place.  We cuddled, my dick was still soft, when she gave me head I was rock hard, but when I had to put a condom on I slowly went soft again and when she tried to mount me I couldn't get it inside. She took that situation, well better than I did. I got so embarassed I never called her again (big mistake!).

During that time I was also going to university, surrounded by all those beautiful girls I got fixated on one, that I think was The One. All other girls, became almost invisible to me. I made a really big mistake and told her I love her almost right away. Long story short, I was needy, she was having a boyfriend after boyfriend. I became really angry with her. Felt like shit, shadow of a man, emotional tampon for her. Dived even deeper into my addictions. I PMOed about every girl in my group, every teacher, sick scenarios. Worst of all, I became numb. Desensitized.

One day I think I heard her talking with her friend, who said I was probably gay. I never thought about myself in that category. That started a huge shitstorm in my brain. I have HOCD since like 1,5 year now, or maybe I'm gay, or bi, I don't know. I keep checking myself, my behaviour, my clothes, my movement, how I talk. I've read countless articles and blog posts about HOCD. I've told to myself that I am gay and that's ok, I've wrote it on paper, but I just don't know. I've read that the best you can do is to tell yourself that the question about ones sexuality is unanswerable and now I'm trying to stick to it. But these thoughts just won't stop! Every day is a drag. I'm paranoid, I think everybody in my surrounding think I'm gay and talk about me and I am the only one living in denial. Years ago I've been diagnosed with neurosis anxiety, took pills which I think helped to stabilise my mood, but felt like I could go on without them, so I stopped taking them. I've been depressed since years, suicidal. I had drug addiction problems on and off.

I'm a perfectionist. As a teen I did martial arts, was really good at it; in great shape. Felt undestructible. Then shit changed. And so now here I am, 28yo single, living with parents. Numb and stuck. I always thought I'll be doing great things in life, I want to have a big family someday, be a man. Instead my life feels like a one big joke. I think I might've missed love of my life.

I am clean of drugs since 4 weeks, and PMO free since 3. In 3 weeks I'm seeing a psychologist. I do martial arts again, run, meditate. I think I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, but it's too early to tell.

Thanks.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2016, 02:45:01 AM by numbandstuck »

willtochange

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Re: 28yo single HOCD or gay. I'll either make it or fuck my life
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2016, 07:45:23 AM »
Keep on going man, sounds like you are doing good and you will be begin to make some progress. Your Doc might prescribe some antidepressants which could help a lot.


numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD or gay. I'll either make it or fuck my life
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2016, 07:50:22 AM »
Thanks man! I really do need to get some medication; these mood swings are killing me.

numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2016, 03:35:34 PM »
Since couple days I wanted to give you guys update on my situation so here it is.

Let me start with saying that beginning wasn't ez. My depression reached new levels. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, there were some tears, lack of motivation. I had drugs withdrawal symptoms. Times were tough (still are), but I forced myself to do life.

So after almost 4 weeks of no PMO, 5 weeks without drugs, the brain fog is slowly going down. I can follow a conversation now, keep eye contact, I feel like I can actually listen to what people say and I come up with my own answers/ opinions, instead of just flat responses. Yesterday I laughed spontaneously. I reestablished my business contacts. Thanks to meditation I'm learning how to let go and my life path is getting clearer. I'm no longer desperately looking for answers, they come to me now in random moments and events. Like, I was walking my dog (beagle hound, they're used for hunting) yesterday and there happened to be a mouse in the field, which after a little chase, he caught. "It's what he suppose do" I thought to myself and suddenly this moment of clarity happened. It was nothing big and didn't last for long, but it was awesome. For a little while, everything fell into place.

My HOCD is less and less, however I'm still triggered by some situations. I still have "maybe I'm gay" thoughts. The other day I added a new contact to my facebook friends and I saw tens of his photos with friends and girls. I thought "where are my photos, where are my girls", the rest... you can imagine. What I noticed is that everytime these spikes come, they feel the same and the same structure. Trigger -> comparing/ checking -> panic -> slowly calm down -> back to normal. I'm slowly learning, I am not my thoughts and my brain is a scumbag. I'm learning to see my thoughts from a watcher's perspective, let them come, even invite them and let them go.
 
I'm getting up in the morning and getting shit done. I'm more sensible to smells. I'm having random erections, last of which lasted for a couple minutes without any effort/ fantasy on my part. I'm thinking about actually starting a carrier. I was always this guy that hated idea of having a carrier. It all seemed like a rat race to me. Get a job you don't like to buy shit you don't need. Now I think I can have it and still keep that little anarchist in me alive. When I think of this... I actually have goals in life now. I don't know how much I'll be able to achieve but, in a year I want to:

- quit smoking for good
- be at peace with myself whatever happens
- stop comparing myself with others
- stop caring what people think of me
- start a new carrier
- move out on my own
- find a girlfriend
- save enough money to buy a project car
- win something (I'm thinking about country championship) in martial arts

Shout out to all YBOP and Reboot Nation for keeping it real, God for listening to my nonsense talking, my family and everyone struggling. Keep fighting!
« Last Edit: August 26, 2016, 04:05:31 PM by numbandstuck »

HFnightmare

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2016, 04:14:13 PM »
Keep at it dude!

I struggled with HOCD for a bit as well but didn't even know it was a thing until I googled it a second ago. I was a very sensitive person in middle school and someone called me gay (but not intending it as harmful, just friendly teasing). It was said in a way similar to the way lots of teenage boys call things that are lame, "gay". But I had some identity issues from then on and even up to last year although I'm okay now.

Just keep defeating those thoughts and you'll be well on your way to recovery. Sounds like you already have a few successes under your belt after a few weeks of pushing yourself to live life to the fullest. Imagine what you can accomplish in a year's time?

numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2016, 04:41:09 PM »
Thank you very much, your reply means a lot to me. I will make sure to keep this topic alive to see where I will be in a year. All the best to everyone reading this.

numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2016, 03:12:04 AM »
I fucked up.

Got drunk last night, went on facebook, got angry with life, talked shit to God, to myself. Destroyed my NoFap bastion. What is surprising and uplifting about this fail tho, is that my P taste changed. In the past I thought that I M to these clips because I liked them; well not anymore! Yesterday it felt like, "I don't like it, but I'm gonna do it anyway".

Also, my HOCD diminished to the point, where it's no longer a problem. Weird.

I have some anger issues needing to be looked into.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2016, 04:28:19 AM by numbandstuck »

numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2016, 11:50:17 AM »
Hey everybody, 2 things happened today

One: I' walking out to the store, I see my friend and his dad talking in front of an entrance to our flat. Past 3-4 weeks, everytime I see his dad, I think he looks at me strange, tho I always say goodmornign and he replies. So as I'm walking out, I see his car, parked right next to mine (never ever happened before), I think to myself that's strange and there was enough empty spaces on the parking lot. I said hi to my friend, but when I looked at his dad I didn't said a word, cause he turned his head, like he didn't want to acknowledge that I'm there. I felt guilty of not saying anything. This one situation got my gears going.

Two: Same day. I'm walking with my dog today and I saw my other mate's dad, with his wife and older daughter "K" (she has her own kids, husband etc.). I know them all since always. So I went to say goodafternoon, he didn't reply, I said it again, he didn't even looked at me, finally his wife said hello. I hang my head down (like I was guilty! Of what?!), kept walking, said hi to K and as I was walking away I heared  him saying "I'm not gonna hide anything (to his wife), honey support me!". This really fucking bummed me out, to the point where I had tears in my eyes (like a little bitch), because I really respect the man. After a while he came pass by me, looking me in the eyes and shaking my hand this time.

I don't know whether they all think I'm gay, or because I don't have a "normal" job (I'm making it as a freelancer, working from home), or both. I'm not a truck driver, I don't anymore work at car shop or construction. I live in a small town. I'm 28, maybe it's time to give up my dreams of having an art carrier, and just do what other people do. Or get a job, and do my art stuff afterwork (maybe this isn't such a stupid idea afterall). Anyway, this shit with my neighbours is really bringing me down. I really want to be cool with them. I have no one to talk to, that's why I'm writing it here.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2016, 12:14:06 PM by numbandstuck »

willtochange

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2016, 12:08:12 PM »
I'm sorry to hear that man, just keep your head up and try your best to not let others get you down.


numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2016, 02:34:32 AM »
Thanks man, I appreciate it.

numbandstuck

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Re: 28yo single HOCD, getting my life back
« Reply #10 on: September 28, 2016, 03:03:54 AM »
Well I relapsed on everything, drugs and pmo. Twice on the weekend and once today; I spent 2 whole nights watching porn on tumblr, created my own profile and reuploaded hundreds of images, from hundreds of sites. At one moment, I'm estimating, I had something around 50 different sites opened at once. Today I went to bed around 5am, tried to sleep but couldn't. I feel like a total loser.