Author Topic: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb  (Read 10603 times)

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #50 on: October 09, 2016, 01:04:16 PM »
Man this edging thing is really getting to me. I wake up and it's automatic. This time I decided to get out of bed and get busy at around 6 A.M. I used the bathroom and my urges subsided. I was actually still tired so I went back to bed and I slept until 9! That's pretty late for me, but I realized that maybe my urge is the urge to pee in the morning. Gonna try to do that more often before I edge.

So, when I got up the second time, I still edged a little, but got out of bed again and started my routine.

I decided to try to recite some affirmations in the morning when I get up - maybe that will help with the edging. So, I've printed some out and I am going to start doing them in the morning, and perhaps before I go to bed. I've never done them before, so I am interested to see what changes. I'm also going to reset my edging counter and maybe change it so that I can see how often I am resetting it.

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #51 on: October 10, 2016, 02:38:50 PM »
Today was much better and I have done a lot already. Having some affirmations printed out and next to my bed really seem to help. I said them 10 times before bed and 10 times when I woke up. Then I did my meditation and I've already hit the gym.

Urges are at a minimum today, which is good because I actually hurt myself with all the edging I did this week. Isn't that a sign of addiction? Continuing despite physically hurting yourself?! What a dumb addiction. Well, I'm trying to rest up and heal up since the girl will be in town this weekend.

Now to hit the grocery store for some lunch stuffs for the week.


KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #52 on: October 11, 2016, 11:26:24 AM »
Today I did a double meditation session - one with and one without guidance. It was really interesting. As a practicing musician, it's one thing to watch your teacher play something and a totally different thing to do it yourself. I feel that way about headspace. I've been going through guided meditations for months now and I have never tried doing it for myself. It was pretty nice, and I guess I will continue to try to do that.

As far as edging goes, I've been just terrible. I really struggled again this morning. I don't know what I need to do to just get up and out of bed. It may be because I wake up early naturally but maybe not fully rested, so I like to lounge around a bit. I need to figure this out because one day I know I am going to go too far.

I also need to limit my use of my cellphone. I like using Snapchat with my gf, but they actually promote just a ton of models profiles and even have constant news of other models. It's like trigger city. At first I was really strong and didn't care, but lately I've been sneaking more and more peeks. I wish there was a way to block or unsubscribe to those particular feeds.

Anyway, the daily affirmations have been going really well too and I like them. If only I could get out of bed and get to feeling good immediately without that little detour toward edging and self-loathing.

That's all I have for today. I feel really strong and renewed once I get going in the morning, it's just those first few minutes of my day. How do I beat the urges then? Tomorrow I will have to try another tactic.

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #53 on: October 12, 2016, 07:24:40 PM »
Well I haven't written about it yet, but this morning in the wee hours, I slipped and PMO'd. I was drunk and for whatever reason, I thought I could edge and get away with it. I knew the habit would catch up with me eventually and I started looking for porn star twitter accounts to watch clips. It didn't take me too long to get off. I was playing with a loaded pistol and I lost.

So in the wake of that mistake, I slept off my hangover a bit and then signed up for a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting tonight at a local church. I need to hear more about what other people are going through and hear about how to get better.

I was doing so damn well and I think my trigger may have been some anxiety about playing drums live combined with the beer.

I also realize that it's important to pick myself up and keep going, so I tried to have a productive day happen. I hit the gym and played my drums for a bit too.

I told my girlfriend and she was sympathetic although she is the type of person to ask why until she gets an answer that satisfies her. She fears that I PMO'd because I was hanging out with some girls last night, but I don't think that's the case at all. They all know about my girlfriend and were asking me about her. I talked about her just about the whole time.

The problem is, I think I lost a bit of her trust in me this morning, so I am going to need to do better to show her I am a good person and that I wouldn't cheat on her.

Today would have been 57 days. I know it's no use looking back, but I know I am stronger and I know what I need to do to stay clean this time. I am hoping that the meetings will help keep me accountable and help me beat this thing. I was 30 days from freedom. It's not hard. I just need to do it.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2016, 07:28:24 PM by KeepUpTheGoodWork »

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #54 on: October 13, 2016, 11:59:04 AM »
The SAA meeting was very informative and it really has me looking at porn as just one way of acting out as a sex addict. The more I read, the more it makes sense that I am probably a sex addict and not just a porn addict. I am remember behaviors that are just horrible and situations I had been in that would make it seem like I am. I especially learned that planning for sex is one way a sex addict behaves and I definitely do this. I wait for my girlfriend to come visit, I anticipate sex and I get excited for it. That's not the best thing to do. It may have even been the reason why I relapsed - I put too much thought and excitement into having sex this weekend. That makes sense because I would often act out right before she came over, and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't wait.

So I think the meetings will be helpful and I'll read the materials to learn more about it. I think I might make a post telling the wider community about my decision. For now, I have a lot to do today and I need to get busy.

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #55 on: October 18, 2016, 03:14:15 PM »
Well things were pretty good this weekend and I don't really have a lot to report. I feel like I've beaten the addiction, although I guess I can't be too sure. I'll be at 7 days this week and I'll just keep going from there. I'll look forward to spending some time reading the SAA book today and tomorrow and I'll go to another meeting. As of now, I feel pretty satisfied and more concerned about working than about porn or sex. As a matter of fact, although I wanted to have sex with my gf all weekend, we didn't, and that was fine. It is good to abstain, even when we are together. There should be no pressure to have sex even though we are together. It took me all weekend to feel normal around her. I was still feeling a lot of guilt from my slip last week, but I feel like I am back in my head again now. It feels good.

KeepUpTheGoodWork

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 123
  • Personal Text
    I finally look like Bruce Campbell
    • View Profile
Re: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
« Reply #56 on: October 23, 2016, 12:30:58 PM »
I'm in a weird place where I feel like relapsing a lot. I feel like watching porn and just going for it. Last night, I edged to porn for a little and then after I stopped, MO'd to without it. I don't know if it counts, but I've been going with the SAA concept of it being a gray area.

Well that gray area concept has also allowed me to MO on Tuesday or Wednesday as well. That's too often for me, and I don't want to fall into bad habits again.

I am not beating myself up about my MO last night. I'm just going to continue trying to beat the addiction. I'm also beginning to think that the reboot isn't really for me. I'm not having trouble having sex, I'm having too much sex and masturbating too much.

I think that's sexual addiction. So, with that I'll probably stop keeping my tracker here. For me, I need to figure out my circles, per the SAA guides and figure out what I deem as acceptable and what's not. Masturbation in itself is not bad, but I need to break my porn habit.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. I'll write again sometime, when I have more to update.