How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

[ThisTime]

• The thoughts that make it okay to view P include the rationalization that it will clear my head so I can get back to work and regain my focus
• The reaction sequence includes fogginess, total loss of concentration and inclination to distraction. I feel the frustration in my groin physically. I may eat, get fidgety, surf the web, talk with coworkers or view porn - it's a total loss of concentration and all my vices kick in at the same time. If I smoked, I would probably do that. Emotionally, I get agitated and frustrated.

Good luck! This part I can really relate to. I know sitting here now that the idea that if I give it it will "Clear my head" is bullshit, but I've fallen for it before. I hope being more aware of it will allow me to stop it from working next time out.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Things in general have been going well at Dad's house. We're almost done!

I've been very good about not fully acting on any urges this whole time, except that when I wake up, I am really horny. I still seem to have urges first thing.

Today I edged a lot in the shower, pretty close to finishing, but I stopped myself, switched to cold water and rode it out. I feel better now and I'm going to have a great day.

The problem is that I'm now getting to a point when I get the urge, I will get superpowers and it feels so good to touch myself. I've been fighting the urge now for a week, but every time I shower, I stop and edge for a little while. I'd like to stop doing that, because while I'm edging, I start thinking of porn stars or fantasize about being with my gf.

I want to stop having those thoughts, because I know it's the same as using porn.

I also realized that I haven't been paying attention to my triggers. I've been exhausted and I'm not doing my meditation. It hasn't been bad though, and I feel oddly more like myself than I have in a while. It's just that lack of mindfulness isn't helping.

I guess it's all the ups and downs of a reboot cycling through on an hourly basis.

I presume the trigger is exhaustion mixed with actual horniness. The inability to stop myself from edging in the morning.

I should also mention that my gf has hurt me on two occasions this week. The first was when I asked if she is disgusted by me, like that one woman on the forum who seems to completely hate her husband. My gf said no, absolutely not, although she doesn't like the way I "giggle" when I have an orgasm and that it was childish. I wasn't quite expecting that response, so I was upset. What does she mean she doesn't like how I orgasm?  Well she said I always giggle and it reminds her of a little boy who just got away with something. To be honest, I know I do that - I've always felt like it's more like a smile and an exhalation, with maybe a giggle or chuckle thrown in there. But it's because sex feels good and I just had an orgasm. I'm giddy! So anyway, I don't even know what to do with this information and it's making me constantly think about what is going to happen next time. Great, I've never had PA, but I guess it's time to add that to the list for good measure, right?

The other thing was last night - She was saying good night and I said some cutesy stuff the way we always do and she says "you make it sound cutesy" and I said, oh, you don't like cutesy (this is news to me) and she says, not when we are talking about sex. I want to feel like a grown woman. So I said that I just don't want to be crass and that I'm not sure what she wants me to say. After a pregnant pause she just said it was late and that she was going to bed. I didn't even respond to that.

Why is all this stuff coming up now? It just makes me feel like she was hiding the resentment for me and that now it's coming out. I guess we'll talk about it, and it will just end up being some other fucking thing I need to add to my list of things about me that she wants me to change. That's how I feel about this shit right now.

Don't be concerned, I'm doing the reboot for me, but pretty much all of the other changes in my life I am doing for her and she just keeps on piling them on. I'm starting to think she doesn't really like me for who I am.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I had a good talk with my gf yesterday and today about some things that have been bothering her and me. She really laid into me last night about being a man and being her super hero. She doesn't want a kid, but a grown man to be there for her and make her feel like a grown woman. I know where she is coming from, but I felt a little attacked, so I told her so today.

I told her that I don't like how she automatically questions anything I say as if I haven't thought about the situation or considered different options. Sometimes there is a lot of back story that I don't explain to her, but it all helped me get to my decision. She agreed that she is too controlling and that she needs to let people do things their own way. I told her that it was very emasculating to be told that I'm wrong or questioned over and over on a regular basis. I told her that I feel like she doesn't believe me, or trust me and that it really upsets me. It makes me feel like she thinks I'm dumb and it makes me feel like she is treating me like a kid.

So, when she does that, how am I supposed to feel like a man, when I have someone treating me like my mom? She heard me out and agreed that she will be working on it, with my help. That's great, because I needed a way to tell her without attacking her every time she did it. Now we have a plan.

Next up, I'm on 27 days today. Man it feels great to have come this far. I don't have many urges for P, but I really want sex. My gf does too, so we should have a great time when I am home, granted I can figure out how to turn her on like a man. Pshh... it will be fine. I think she'll be impressed with my super powers.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well, the move out of my Dad's is done for me. My brother and sister still have a few things to wrap up, but other than that, we are all good. I feel relieved and a little lost - what do I do now?

Anyway, my reboot has been going really well. However, the last week or so, I really haven't kicked my edging. I'm hoping that being with my gf will give me some relief in that area. Worse is that I've fallen into fantasizing and even sneaked a peek at my favorite porn star's Twitter account. I didn't know that stuff really existed on Twitter and I was curious/ gave into the situation because my brain told me it was okay.

I was able to stop edging fairly quickly - much more quickly than in my past - but I feel a bit disappointed in myself for starting. I did feel a renewed strength when I stopped, so that is good, and my ability to be lucid in these situations has been great. I've stopped every time and didn't O. My accountability partner has been great too and he gave me a breathing exercise to get through the tough spot. He really saved my streak.

This morning however, while I was edging in the shower, a little white stream appeared, no O, but I dripped a little, which is what I have been really trying to avoid doing. I stopped and got out of there, relatively unscathed. So, I'm pushing the boundaries and I recognize that. I can make it through the next day and a half, no problem, so I am going to have to just go for it.

What is great is that the streak doesn't have the same daunting weight that it used to. I don't feel the need to watch P anymore. I really only crave a release, which is coming and for which I can be patient. I take this as a sign that I am healing.

It's funny because I am reading more and more lately and it's really because my computer was only really a porn machine. Now that I don't do that, it's really just sitting here doing nothing. I think that's pretty cool. I can start to see my computer as a place where I do my work, rather than the place where I get off.

So overall, I feel really good. I am not going to reset my counter for what happened this morning. I know my reboot is going great. I really look forward to spending time with my gf and being intimate. I think we are going to try something like carezza this weekend to help us bond. I think it will be beautiful.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

In honor of the 30th day of my reboot, I am taking this a step further to see if I can stop edging. My first goal will be 7 days. This one is going to be tough, so wish me luck!

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I remember when 30 days was a daunting number, but here I am.  About to set my goal for 45 days. Fuck. Yes.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Actually, I want to make myself a trophy wall, so here it is.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So my first morning of no M almost didn't work out. I felt the same desires that I normally do. Even more so because my gf is coming to town today. I was really turned on and I was about to play with myself when I remembered the counter. Whew! So that was day one (because this really only happens in the mornings) and I was able to get up and start my day.  The urge is gone now and I'm about to get to my meditation and then on with my day. I'm feeling great about my new goals!

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Okay, so I just spent a long weekend with my gf and things were great. We had sex every day and we had a great time. She kept commenting on how big my penis had gotten since the start of the reboot. It's something that I noticed as well. So anyway, we had a lot of sex and in general, a much better time together than we have had in the past.

As of today, I actually feel spent. I have little sexual desire, and thankfully I'm not feeling any chaser effect, which was one of my great porn downfalls. I am not going to see her for another two weeks now, so I may be coming up on day 45 or so when I finally do see her.

I can feel the benefits of avoiding PMO in the times we are not together - I feel much more alive and energized to do things. Well anyway, lots to do today, so that's it for now.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I just hit my 7 days no M or Edging goal! That wasn't too hard, although I have to admit that the daily sex with the gf over the weekend probably made it easier

I'm not going to poo-poo it though and I'm going to up my goal to 15 days.

Yesterday I was very foggy all day and I don't know if it is reboot related or not. I got through the day clean though. Today I've been working like a madman and I applied to 6 jobs this morning. Fingers crossed!

I don't really feel a great desire for M or edging, but it's there for sure. I feel like I drank two cups of coffee, even though I haven't. Maybe I'm just energized to get going with my day.

I also accidentally restarted my Patience headspace pack. I thought it was new, but it seemed so familiar. I double checked and yeah, I've already done it. No biggie, I need a refresher anyway.

That's it for today. I'll be out for lunch and then coming back in the evening to work on my capstone project. Woot!

[FapFreeZone]

Okay, so I just spent a long weekend with my gf and things were great. We had sex every day and we had a great time. She kept commenting on how big my penis had gotten since the start of the reboot. It's something that I noticed as well. So anyway, we had a lot of sex and in general, a much better time together than we have had in the past.

This is awesome and a great advert for quitting PMO!

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Haha thanks man. I was reading somewhere that some men experience an increase in fulness down there and I was starting to notice it. When my gf started noticing, it kinda confirmed it for me. Now after that weekend of fun, things are looking back to normal, but I suspect they will get bigger again before I see her next time.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So yesterday was pretty good. No real urges although I ended up on the web for a bit checking out some articles that featured some super models. I didn't really feel aroused and just read the article and moved on. I know that's dangerous, so I want to limit doing that.

Last night I was having some funky dreams where I was MO'ing, but I didn't have a wet dream. When I woke up, my MW was back (missing for about a week) and I felt fine.

Still no real urge to relapse - not like when I was really fighting it - so I feel pretty great. I'm planning to get back to the gym next week. I've missed most of the month. I can't believe how easily you can miss so long. But that's no big deal.

Dad's house will sell on Monday and I will finally be free like I was in my 20's. Time to start getting my life back.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday was pretty easy throughout and I didn't have many urges. This morning however, I really felt them and gave in to playing with myself a little. I stopped, but I really wanted to to continue. My MW wasn't that strong, which I thought was interesting. Now that I am up and about, the urge is just in the background, like a static hiss from a radio in another room. I can fairly easily tune it out.

I'm on the fence about resetting my counter for M or edging though, since I stopped pretty quickly. Really all I want is a wet dream at this point to give me some release, but I may be too old for them now. I am not sure.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Ah well I finally let my curiosity get the best of me and I MO'd. Twice in a row - about 10 minutes apart. I didn't use P or P-subs or fantasy, so that's good, but I do have a counter for M and edging which I will now reset. I'm a little disappointed because you know what? It just wasn't that good. I know for sure that I prefer to do that sort of thing with my gf and I plan to keep it that way.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Well the last two days have been pretty fine, although I have had a lot of desires to MO. This morning I even edged a little bit during that half awake/ half asleep period before I got up. That's always my falling point and it feels like I don't know how to stop myself because I'm not fully awake yet. Maybe an alarm across the room would get me out of bed. I naturally wake up at around 6:30 lately, so it's not like I need one.

I think it's all chaser effect and I should have known better than giving in to the urge on Saturday. I'm going to power through the urges as best I can and remember that I need to make it to the weekend when I'll see my gf. Five days is nothing compared to the 40 days of no PMO I've already done.

In a way, my MO the other day does feel like I've slid back. I realize now that even though I did it with some rules in place (no fantasy, etc) I wasn't really ready to try it again. I feel some shame and disappointment that I couldn't just wait another few days until this weekend. I know my girlfriend was disappointed too, and I realized that even just MO at this time makes her upset.

I liked my life better without MO, so that's why I want to keep going.

Today I'll be getting back to the gym for the first time in a while. I hate how that happens - skip a session and before you know it, you haven't gone in a month. It's probably actually been more than that. Anyway, I need to get back on my goals. It's all a part of becoming a better man. No more little kid stuff.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

This non-edging thing is going to be tough, but I want to give myself credit for getting past it this morning. I edged a little, but I'm saying that I stopped and I got out of bed. It was an improvement over yesterday.

I've been reading the Terry Crews book and it's been interesting so far. I'll probably finish it today, but really I need to do some work on my capstone project.

Other than that, no real desires to PMO, so I feel pretty great in that area. Time to do my meditation and get on with my day.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday went pretty well and my new daily task of re-reading my PMO plan in the morning has been really helpful. I would like to refine it into my personal mantra and then start reading that in the morning. I guess it's similar to having daily affirmations. My plan helps me remember what I should be trying to accomplish for the day.

Here it is, even though I think I've posted it here before.

My goal is to remove porn and porn subs from my life forever. In the meantime, I will continue to only engage in sexual activities with my girlfriend. I will remove masturbation from my life after a relapse on 9/24/16.

To succeed in this I will:

- Keep a tracker of my days clean

- Participate in discussions on the Reboot Nation forum

- Keep my girlfriend in the loop regarding my progress

- Find an accountability partner

- Pursue the ideal me through specific steps and goals including:

     - Exercising every other day for a minimum of 30 minutes
     - Practicing mindful meditation daily for 15 minutes
     - Practicing reframing of trials as opportunities
     - Practice hope instead of dispair
     - Educate myself on the addiction illness
     - Work up to a full day of “Golden Hours” of work
     - Get better sleep (follow sleep challenge)
     - Finish my certification and get a job
     - Incorporate playing drums and reading more into my daily activities
     - Do a special social activity at least once a week

In the morning, this little thing is giving me the little reminder of what I want my life to look like and how I should go about doing it. Yesterday I hit the gym for a while, which was nice and I got a lot of work done toward my certification. I also had to meet with my landlord, which I wasn't looking forward to, so I had to reframe that as an opportunity to be assertive. I still feel uncomfortable about that, but I'll get better at it.

This morning, I still struggled with wanting to MO, but I was able to fight the urge and hit the shower after my meditation. The MO urges have been really tough to deal with. I don't know if it's related to my relapse on that this week, but it's been tough. I need to remember that edging is worse than MO and if I really want to quit MO, then edging isn't an okay alternative.

I'll keep fighting that and will eventually beat it.

Well my time is up and I am heading off to my gf's for the weekend. That should be great and will help relieve some of this sexual tension I am feeling. I'll write if I have a chance this weekend, but I'm not counting on having a lot of time.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

So far this weekend has been very good. I am getting a lot of work done at my gf's while she is also working. One of the things that I've always noticed is that when we are together, I tend not to keep up with my routine. The routine isn't that tough, but I always slack when she's around. Then I feel bad about messing up streaks (like meditation streaks, or taking my meds). So this time, I was just vocal about it - Hey babe, I always seem to slack on my routine, so this weekend, I have stuff to do. I don't know why I have always felt that I needed to be with my gf the entire time we were together. Maybe some abandonment issue somewhere - who knows - but this morning, I just stuck to my routine. Now I'm done with it. I feel good, and I can get to work after we eat breakfast.

It's great when you realize you can be your own person without offending others. It's a nice freedom to have and I plan to try to keep this up. I think that in some small way, when I was compromising on the things I like to do and, I guess, NEED to do, I ended up getting resentful feelings by the end of the day. I already feel much more at ease this morning and prepared to get on with my day. It will go a long way to helping keep our relationship strong. Okay time to eat.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

The weekend had been really great and we are having a lot of fun. I have had no urges to PMO and we've had sex a few times this weekend. It's nice to get back to normal. I feel much better in general.

Today I have a ton of work to do, so I'll be really busy. I've just looked and my streaks are going really well. I forgot to increase my goals, so I'll go that now. But first, some images for my other journal.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Okay today I'm heading back home after a nice long weekend with the girl. We didn't have any problems, and I attribute that to quitting PMO and getting to know myself better. On Sunday we went to her spiritual center and it was pretty okay. She said she didn't like it as much as she did in the past because the crowd was noticeably older. I think I might try to find one to go to in my area because I liked it.

I look forward to getting back home and finishing up my capstone project this week. I also need to get to the gym for some activity. It will be a good reward for a busy and productive weekend.

I also look forward to hitting day 50 for no PMO soon and I should be getting to day 15 of no M or edging too. I need to be conscious of chaser effect over the next few days. The last time I MO'd, it was probably because of chaser, and I didn't like it. I just need to remind myself of that if it comes up. That's about it.

So far this time around, things have just been excellent and I've had such an easier time of quitting than ever before. I just need to stay positive and keep moving forward.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

I didn't end up gong home yesterday just because I didn't feel like it. I feel like I have nothing to do over there, so why go back? I had a really nice and productive day and basically finished a rough draft of my project, plus some revisions.

I'm going to start heading back home soon today because my gf has a lot of work to do today and I don't want to be a distraction.

That will be fine, although having her around really helps me with my urges. She's on her period now, so it's not like we are messing around, but just being around her really reduces my need to MO.

As far as PMO goes, it feels like a distant memory, which I really hope it is. Today I will be hitting day 50! That's quite a feat for someone who's previous best for the last two years was 21 days.

It still feels different this time and I feel absolutely fantastic.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Man, this addiction is a bitch. I woke up this morning with all sorts of urges and fantasies running through my head. I edged quite a bit and I even thought about going all the way. I had to get myself into the shower, but I had tunnel vision the whole way there. Even just thinking back 15 minutes ago feels like a dream. Once I was in the shower, my clarity came back, but not for long and I was edging again before I knew it. I managed to get through the shower without M'ing all the way to O and when the water turned off, it was like a valve closing on my urges. Whew! I made it through, however, I edged a lot and I want to keep myself accountable for that. So, I'll take the hit on my counter.

I was considering changing the counter to just strictly MO, but I know that edging is very damaging to the brain. I'll have to keep fighting that urge. For now, disaster averted.

Edit: well there isn't enough room for more than two counters, so I would like to keep track of edging instead of MO. MO is a pretty solid change for me, so I'd like to track my struggles with edging instead.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

Yesterday ended up being real tough. It was later in the night and I was all sorts of ready to just finish the deed. I started edging again and it was a real struggle. Eventually I took an ice cold shower and just stood there freezing my ass off. I finally calmed down, did some breathing and made it out ok. But that wasn't before I actually looked at some pics too, and found a certain P-star's Twitter. I turned them off real quick, but I feel ashamed about this because my streak is really going well and I was damn near to ruining it.

The thing is, I was totally ready to forget the incident and just live today like nothing happened, but the second I started writing, I really started to feel bad about what I did. I think that's what I need to feel. If I swept this incident under the rug, I wouldn't be keeping myself accountable and I would be sending myself the message that it's okay.

I'm glad I got through it alright. That was a real accomplishment, but I need to try harder to avoid putting myself in that situation. I can't let it get that far again.

So with that tough evening behind me, I woke up with the same urges. This time I was able to get out of bed and I think I am going to be okay. I just have to keep on keeping on.

That leaves me today with a reset on my edging counter, but still no PMO, thank god.

I've also decided to try some red text for the really tough days. That way it's easier to find later if I want to read up about how I was feeling.

[KeepUpTheGoodWork]

This morning has been pretty good. I had some urges like normal, but I was able to get up and get on my routine. So far so good.

Last night I had some really bizarre dreams about an ex-gf. We weren't having sex but I kept trying to get her off, but it wasn't happening. The whole time I was also thinking of my current gf. Perhaps it has something to do with fact that my gf told me that she needed to fantasize in order to get off. We've been working on her recovery too, but she's only O'd once since she's told me. So maybe there is some hidden frustration with that, and the memory that I couldn't get my ex to have an O very often either.

I don't know, it was just bizarre and it was a long dream - seemed to go on forever. Anyway, since my peeking and edging episode the other day, I've been struggling with those thoughts just running rampant in my head. It's exactly how I was acting when I was home and the last time I peeked at the same P-star's twitter. I believe that eventually led me to giving in about a week later.

So this time, I need to make it all the way to Friday again. It's only 6 days away. Probably going to be a really tough 6 days too. I'll need to find something to keep me busy.