Author Topic: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.  (Read 10990 times)

TiramiSu

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #75 on: August 30, 2016, 05:24:57 AM »
Hi there,

reading from your blog it seems you are doing very well....I hope you are smarter than me and do not relapse at 119 days:):)...It is very good that you are journaling every day....congratulations....

Rockit

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #76 on: August 30, 2016, 11:15:13 AM »
Day 62:

man forgot to write something last night... This is a little bothersome, but not really as I've just been that busy... Today I was pretty much out of the house the entire day so no reason or way to PMO. Lunch and shootin the shit with a friend, studying and working on penmanship in the afternoon, Martial arts in the evening, Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri at night lol. Harmonica in the morning and a bit at night as well as some practice while I was stuck in traffic. Other than that I need to schedule days where I work on Chinese and Japanese as well as days where I learn qi channels and herbology.

That's about it. See you guys later.

I find the daily blogging helps a ton.  Make sure if you do miss a day, that you don't the following day.  Slippery slopes are slippery.

Keep up the fight, my friend!!
Last time PMO'd: March 31 @ 1:48am

Best streak: 206.21

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #77 on: August 30, 2016, 11:16:45 PM »
@Rockit!

Appreciate the advice... I know I will be following it! I want to stay consistent. I just gotta remind myself that missing a day because I was too productive is a good thing.
Agreed that slippery slopes are slippery lol... it's a good saying and I will be keeping my eyes out for it.

@TiramiSu
Thanks for the grats. I agree with ya that journaling everyday helps... as it does help me... hahaha as for the relapse we will see... hopefully things work out for the both of us and we keep fighting the good fight.

Day 63:

Again thankfully another productive day. Although I did get extremely annoyed that my sister swapped out her old crappy iron for my nice one. Didn't find out till I started ironing out my shirts for a meeting today and the iron was leaking water all over the shirts and making them yellow or rust color... the coloring was probably just my fault and pressed too hard into the shirts =\ Anyways... had a business lunch and went over some of the demographics and population in the area we plan on opening at which was good, then went to another mall and talked with the leasing agent there. Got a good vibe from that mall and it's in a rich part of town, but the foot traffic daily isn't as great as the first place... Anyways after that got stuck in traffic, for two hours, but had my handy dandy harmonica and got some good practice in with that. Came home, ordered pizza and had a cute delivery girl deliver the pizza... next time gotta say something as I kinda froze today, but next time will definitely tell her I think she's cute. After that, ate dinner with my mom, and am here now.

Good day: I was out of the house being productive about my business.
Improvements: Since I want to learn more things, I should invest in some audio lessons for Chinese and Japanese so I get more done while on the road. Didn't study language at all these past few days.
Things I'm grateful for: Seeing you guys post here is always a great thing. Keeps me motivated seeing other people working hard on their own issues and slowly getting over them.  So thanks guys for fighting the good fight and we'll get through it.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #78 on: September 01, 2016, 03:53:37 AM »
Day 64:

So today was a really challenging day. When I wake up, generally the first thing I do is get my phone to turn off it's alarm, but today I woke up before the alarm and lo and behold the first thing I see is a message from a previous crush of mine that I still have feelings for. -_- Like I have had a crush on this girl for the past 10 years now and have never really gotten over her. She already knows I like her and actually rejected me last year. We haven't really spoken since last year mainly because I was being an idiot and feeling butt hurt for a while so it's really just my fault for not keeping in touch.  Anyways she is still the same as ever... the same girl that I fell for with her personality and charm. Made it a little hard for me to push past the memories and the dopamine I get from thinking about her as well as the stress later when I'm not talking with her... but I let her know that and she tells me again that she is not looking for any kind of relationship... just someone to play some video games with. I agree since the game she wants to play is a game that I also want to play, and I let her know I'll do my best not to make it awkward.

After we stop talking, she is literally all I can think about for the next 2 hours. I can feel myself getting curled around her finger like she owns me. It irritates me that I feel okay and happy about that and also that I currently do not have the self control to stop that feeling because I know it's not healthy. I like being around her and I like helping her and having her help me but I know that she currently has no thoughts whatsoever to be around me. During these next two hours I honestly cannot count the number of times my brain immediately went to porn... telling me to go masturbate. I could feel the old habits of using porn to make myself feel better and in the process running away from the feeling of helplessness I had at that moment. I really want to be with her but I can't and it sucks... I sit there in front of my computer fighting myself... I literally slapped myself a few times... punched myself in the gut a couple of times when I felt my body instinctively starting typing in porn into the search engine. At that point it feels like I have just waged a major war within myself and I had to just freaking get out of the house. Ran upstairs and took an ice cold shower and just immediately left the house.

While I was out of the house I was okay... I had things to do so I wasn't constantly staring at my phone wondering whether she would message me again later... Yes I understand I am pretty hopeless when it comes to the opposite sex. I spend most of the day gathering field research for my business... checking population demographics, age and gender distributions at one of the mall sites I'm looking into... Have a conference call with one of the IT guys for the franchise... and she messages me during the conversation. All of a sudden I'm super happy on the phone and yeah... anyways... I'll cut the story short as I've already written way too much... End up back at home and we play together for roughly 3 hours... and don't really feel that strong pull towards her after... just a sense of happiness that I'm around her again and it's not awkward... I was about to go to sleep feeling pretty happy in general when I realized I forgot to write here... So here I am and there was today's story folks.

See you all tomorrow.

TLDR: an old crush of mine messaged me out of the blue and wanted to play video games with me. That screwed with my head for a few hours and almost PMO'ed but fought and stopped myself before actually looking at any P. Went out of the house and got productive, came back home and played games with her and here I am.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2016, 04:00:56 AM by tenjyou »

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #79 on: September 02, 2016, 01:30:01 AM »
Day 65:

Writing this on my phone so it's going to be short. I botched up. I let my past affect me more than I could handle. The only good that came out of it was that I can identify that feeling I had that caused this lapse in judgement and will not let it affect me again.

That's it. Talk more tomorrow. Peace.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #80 on: September 03, 2016, 06:42:06 AM »
Day66:

Gonna be short. 4:40am tired as all f*ck. Spend the entire day on the road. No way to pmo like that. Sleep now.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #81 on: September 04, 2016, 12:48:23 AM »
Day 67:

This is going to be a long one... So if I remember to I'll write a tldr later

I couldn't ask a girl out. My body and my mind both physically and mentally blocked me from standing up again to talk with this girl and to ask her out. Its stupid and dumb I know. I was at a starbucks talking with the beautiful barista for a bit about the business I was going into and getting info from her about the area... demographics of kids and how often they come to this mall... and it felt like it was going alright, I asked her about herself, going to school what's she doing up here etc... but the store got busy, we ended the talk and for the life I me I could not get myself to stand back up and talk with her again... I ended up sitting in that starbucks for 3 hours trying to psych myself up enough to talk with her, meditated for a bit to try to calm my nerves so I could talk with her... In those 3 hours of sitting 2 were mainly there trying to talk myself into standing up and asking her out. I'd lose my nerve when another barista came in to work and would start talking with her, I'd lose my nerve when a guy co-worker came in and started talking with her, I'd talk myself out of it when there was a line of people waiting at the register ready to order drinks. In the end... I outplayed myself.

Now some of you might go through the same things or maybe you all are naturals and can push those thoughts aside and just charge forward... Regardless this has happened to me many times and this is the first time I ever really thought a lot about it... what I came to realize was something I wanted to share with you all as I feel this is similar to our fight with PMO. I wrote down my feelings while I was at starbucks and wanted to post it here.

Quote
Do you ever get that feeling that sometimes  you are your own worst enemy? That if only you could vanquish yourself... your self doubts, your negative talk, that you could do anything? And yet as strongly and as badly as you want to do better, to get over this self loathing, these bad self talks... somewhere deep inside you, you realize that if you do get rid of these feelings and thoughts, you are destroying the person you have been for the past 20 years. In order to move forward you have to give up who you are right now, who you identify yourself to be, and who you were. As if that wasn't scary enough, you probably feel that if you do start over, you'll be like a baby but with no parents to guide you. Your future is totally unknown to you. The what if's start popping in your head and soon drown out the positive elements that you might have thought about. You might think to yourself that at least if you stay as you are now, you will know and can feel safe that who you are right now will most likely be who you will continue to be tomorrow. If you throw that away who knows how you will turn out.

For me... I have lived the past 30 years of my life with a lot of negative self talk. It probably originated from the fact that I didn't get much positive reinforcement at home. A lot of you're the fuck up of the family, or why can't you be smart like your brother, I can already see that you will never amount to shit and you'll be a homeless asshole the rest of your life. But that shit doesn't matter right now... what matters is that I talk to myself very negatively and have for the past 30 years. It's really hard for me to focus on the positives of the situation. I can see how change from a bad behavior is a good thing... I tried to use NLP to reframe my way of thinking, pointing out how irrational or how ludicrous I'm sounding when I'm being negative, but its like I can't force my body to see reason because that is how I identify myself. In order to really change myself I have to change how I view myself and that is scary as shit. I have personally seen how some guys try to change themselves and they get jaded as hell, they become men with a mission to hurt others because that gives them that feeling of power that they lacked before. They gain that control through harmful means. How can I start to change myself when I'm afraid of becoming like them... I have had those thoughts as well but abhor the idea everytime it comes up because it doesn't fit with the image of who I am... If I throw that out the window and try to reshape the man I am into someone better, how can I know for sure that I won't become like them. They were the same as I was, had the same ideals and yet they became people who abuse women to feel in control of themselves. They were people who had a strong moral compass and yet now don't even blink when throwing away someone for their own advantage.

Now while these thoughts are obviously about my issues with women, I realize that this also relates to my issues with PMO. I have this feeling and this sense of identity. This is who I am. I am a person who PMO's and right now I'm trying to abstain from it. I also know that this is the absolutely wrong way to view yourself. I know that you have to change the way you identify who you are as someone who is a non porn watcher.  You have to view yourself as someone who in a million years would never identify yourself as someone who watches porn.  I have to get myself to think of myself like that. I cannot remain as someone who is abstaining from porn because that means that I am someone who needs it but is trying to not use it. I gotta change my self beliefs... that's it... it's f*ckin hard I know... But I have to keep looking up even when I don't want to...

Anyways that's it... Sorry for the long rant... and probably TMI but eh... I wanted to share... Take it easy all. Talk more tomorrow.

TLDR: I found I'm scared to change myself. Too much negative self talk. Need to reframe myself from I am someone who is abstaining from porn to be a non porn watcher. I am someone who in a million years would never turn to porn for anything.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #82 on: September 05, 2016, 11:41:25 PM »
Day 68/69:

So it turns out for me the simplest trigger that I have the most difficulty dealing with is boredom. That is my top priority right now. If i can somehow channel when I feel bored into doing something worthwhile it will lead me to having a great leap in success. Now I just need to do that and put it into action.

That's all for today lol... See you all tomorrow.

David Albert

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #83 on: September 06, 2016, 11:13:39 AM »
Hey, just seeing you in that Starbucks trying to find a way to ask that girl out makes me think about myself  ;D  That has happened to me many times but the truth is as long as I had PMO, I didn't give it much thought. I would be maybe frustrated at myself for a couple of hours than medicate with some P. Now it's different. Now I don't have that escape route so I have to face my own feelings.

I'm glad you realize that you are just abstaining right now and not really recovering. But I'm also sure you acknowledged a lot of things about yourself in these past 2 months. This is the mindset we must reach, that porn is not an option anymore. That it just doesn't belong in our lives. That it doesn't exist. If you were a smoker and the doctor told you that if you smoke just one more cigarette you would die, would you smoke it ? I don't think so, you would never think that cigarette even exists ! Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but if we keep going down this PMO path, it WILL destroy us. We have basically been destroying ourselves for years and years, it's time to rebuild our lives. We have to replace PMO with actual sex and asking a girl out and dating is part of that so we must face our fears. It's never too late for a new start but we have to make the necessary changes in our attitudes. Change the way we view ourselves, change the way we view women and sex, change the way we view life. Changing ourselves completely after so many years is indeed scary but we must never forget our goal, a better life  :)

P.S. you should consider yourself lucky if boredom is your biggest trigger. Find yourself a new hobby or activity when you feel like that and you should have no problem filling that space.
One more food for thought: counting days will only keep you thinking about the fact that you're just abstaining. Once you reach your goal, be it 90 or 100 days, remember that the real goal is a lifetime without P  :)  Keep being strong man ! 8)
"Learn to hate porn. You will never destroy an enemy you embrace."

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #84 on: September 07, 2016, 03:45:54 AM »
@David Albert

lol I hear you on that.. it bothered me a lot that day, but after the day was over I was more worried about what I would do with her afterwards since I am still dealing with this PMO... It's just difficult as my entire family has been bugging me about getting a gf, get married and have a kid soon... not only that but I eventually want to start a family but considering I've only had one gf and that was 13 years ago I'm really out of the loop and kinda worried about that ~_~.

The day's in my post is just from the very first day I started this journey. Has nothing to do now with how many day's I've gone without PMO... I realized that half way through haha.
And appreciate the comments always David Albert.

Day 70:
So today was a good productive day. I woke up and started doing my qi gong routine that I'm trying to get into. Basically had to get out of the house the entire day which helped a ton. I just gotta be busy doing stuff... Time for me get some rest... See you all tomorrow.

David Albert

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #85 on: September 07, 2016, 04:30:36 AM »
Just keep it simple my friend. Try not to feel any sort of pressure coming from your family or friends etc. What YOU do and what YOU think should be your only concerns, after all it's YOUR life. It doesn't matter if you had a gf 13 years ago or 13 days ago. You are a properly functioning man who should have no problem in getting dates. You may have to go through some rejections and learn how to deal with that but if you keep trying, it's impossible not to succeed. Keep it simple, stay away from all kinds of artificial stimulation and rewire constantly to real people. Progress is inevitable that way  :)
"Learn to hate porn. You will never destroy an enemy you embrace."

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #86 on: September 09, 2016, 01:30:04 AM »
@David Albert

Thanks for the pep talk. I'll try to keep it in the fire front of my mind... But girls for some reason easily make me flustered. Just one of those things...

Day 71:
Not you much going on today. Bad stomach ache in the morning then dental appointment then qi gong classes and now here lol. Easy and busy day. I've taken up talking to myself in the mirror trying to talk myself into appreciating myself and being positive about myself instead of always criticizing myself and talking shit to myself. We'll see how that goes... Mainly I have an extremely hard time believing people when they compliment me, so when I seriously tell myself I'm an okay guy it feels wrong... But just repeating it over and over while looking into the irises of my eyes actually starts to make me believe it... At least for a couple of seconds.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #87 on: September 10, 2016, 03:29:15 AM »
Day 72:

So today was rather crazy... almost get into a traffic accident, have a giant steel beam fall from the sky and land behind me... have a drunk driver barely miss me while walking home... kinda tough day... just wanna sleep...

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #88 on: September 12, 2016, 12:32:48 AM »
Day 73:

So I started putting my schedule on my whiteboard and checking accomplished tasks at the end of the day... also been pretty stressed about the business... family matters etc... anyways... sorry it's been short the past few days... a lot on my mind...

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #89 on: September 13, 2016, 01:13:42 AM »
Day 74:

Been a decently productive day. Set out to leave the house by 10... Ended up leaving the house at 1 lol... had lunch at home to save money and played some overwatch. Got stuff done when I left the house, Bills paid, trash taken out, groceries bought... good amount of walking around... enough to get an egg hatched in pokemon go so a couple miles of walking. Martial arts in the evening. Overall a relatively productive day. Still need to get myself a more set schedule that I can follow.... Need to start getting in the habit of sleeping earlier... no good comes about when I have nothing to do at night but sit up and twiddle my thumbs... So I'll be attempting to meditate then... er now haha.. Talk to you all tomorrow.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #90 on: September 14, 2016, 01:15:06 AM »
Day 75:

So i locked myself out of the house today... no idea how frustrating that was when I closed the door and saw at the last minute the keys through the closing door slit... literally spent the rest of they day out running, and trying to figure out a way back into the house... anyways i've been feeling a bit agitated but so far dealing with it. Waking up weirdly... we'll see.. Anyways other than that... Started sleeping earlier except forgot i needed to write in here haha so I half woke up and wrote this... going back to sleep now.

tenjyou

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #91 on: September 22, 2016, 11:55:46 AM »
Day... damn lol I'm not sure now... We'll just say Day 76:

So for my birthday I went out for roughly a week to be by myself in the woods kinda... I went on a hike and just stayed there. I wanted to spend some time away from all the electronics and just away from people. Honestly it was pretty refreshing. It really gave me a lot of time to think about things in my life. I dunno what else to say honestly. I wish I had more knowledge or insights I could impart, but it honestly just helped me calm down from the fast paced life I was leading. I was living in a need instant gratification kinda lifestyle and that was very porn friendly. One thing I guess I kinda picked up on was that I need to work on my will power and not need so much instant gratification. An example is I hadn't had pizza or burgers in a week. When I ate a slice earlier today I had forgotten how amazing they taste lol.

Anyways it's nice to be back... I got rid of a lot of electronics at the house... No more smart phone, just an old school flip phone. Good enough for calls and texts which is really all I needed. I'll update when I stop by the library for studying or researching. Anyways keep up the good fight guys. We'll win sooner or later.


David Albert

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Re: The start of the road 06/25! Reread this in 3,6,9,12 months from now.
« Reply #92 on: October 21, 2016, 02:02:13 PM »
Hey, how's it going my friend ?
"Learn to hate porn. You will never destroy an enemy you embrace."