24yo dude, gf just broke up with me...it's time to reboot

Welp. I wrote a big long thing and then when I tried to post it it got deleted so I'll this again but I apologize in advance for any lack of cohesion due to the fact that I am writing this for a second time.

Ok. So. As stated in the title, I am a 24 year old male from SF Bay Area who suffers from PIED. Like many men, I started masturbating to porn at a young age (about 12) and continued to masturbate to porn nearly every day ever since. As my porn viewing became more frequent, my appetite for it became greater. I now laugh at the fact that I used to get off to my brothers softcore porno mags. Over the years I've seen myself leaning towards the very rough and violent/fucked up porn. Sometimes it won't even be people having sex, just naked women getting choked, spanked, whipped etc. And then of course I cum and I think, "...what the hell is wrong with me?"

I was in a relationship with a girl from 2012-mid2015. She liked sex really really rough, which, at the time, I thought was awesome. However, looking back I realize it probably didn't help me at all. I remember first making out with her and nothing was happening downstairs and being terrified. Over time, I was able to be workable and she loved me and we managed to make things work, so long as she wasn't on top or we weren't using condoms. Those two are an instant boner killer for me. As much as I love the image of having a woman on top, I just can't handle it. My PIED definitely got worse as the relationship went on.

I broke up with her for reasons. Cut to December 2015. I meet the girl that I believe I would love forever. Well, actually, I met her in July but I didn't start talking to her until around October and didn't start hanging out with her until December. She was hot, sexy (amazing ass), independent...and just turned 18 (Although before I knew her age I could have sworn she was at least 22). We ended up fooling around and like my ex she liked it really rough. Asking me to choke her and slap her really hard. As the relationship progressed and we were no longer fuck buddies but boyfriend and girlfriend the nature of our sex started to change. She no longer wanted it rough and kinky and instead wanted something slow, passionate, and beautiful. It was actually really amazing, in theory, however, due to PIED, I just couldn't handle it. Rough sex was already a challenge for me to stay hard but slow passionate sex...forget about it. And if I were to stay somewhat hard it was only because I allowed my mind to go into really dark places like the fact that she was just over 17 years old and barely legal, I had to fantasize about the sex I was having rather than just enjoying the moment. Despite my problems she was incredibly understanding and after I told her I suffered form PIED and that I wanted to work on it she always made it clear that 1. Sex really isn't that important to her and that while it's fun, it's not the foundation of a relationship and 2. That she'd love me even if I didn't have a dick and that we could be incredibly patient with having sex.

The problem is that she was so fucking hot and I WANTED to have sex with her so badly but I couldn't and I frustrated myself to no end. I also wasn't totally aware of staying away from orgasm completely for awhile and thought it was ok if I was achieving it during sex (even if I wasn't full hard).

Anyways, for unrelated reasons, she broke up with me last week. This has been incredibly devastating to me for multiple reasons. For one, she was the most amazing woman I have ever been with. Despite her young age she was incredibly mature, attentive, and so kind to me. But I also can't help but beat myself up for not being sexually competent. Even if sex isn't that important to her, and I believe it really wasn't given her sexual history, it pains me to know I could have been better in that field but I couldn't get better because I am an addict. So, with her gone, I feel like it is a great time to work on myself.

Right now I am on day 3 of no PMO and I'm going for the 90 day challenge. The thought of not watching professional porn isn't so scary to me but the thought of being able to resist masturbating to pictures, videos, and memories of my ex seems really. I don't even masturbate to them because I'm horny but because I miss her and in a weird way it makes me feel closer or some bullshit like that. Although, in reality it probably just makes me feel more depressed about her being gone.

Additionally, (and this started before we broke up but now I have even more motivation) I have totally cut out sugar and empty carbs. I have also started going to the gym at least 3 times a week and I am biking in favor of using a car. I figure if I am going to reboot my porn/masturbation habits I might as well go full throttle and reboot my whole body in the process. I have a lot more time on my hands and I want to use it to better myself.

At this point in time, the thought of not masturbating for 90 days seems nearly impossible but I am hoping that with journaling and some encouragement from you guys that I can get there. I need to get there and then continue the fight from there. I seriously feel so broken and defeated and I'm terrified I'll never be better again. Wish me luck.

Long days and pleasant nights,

- Deschain

P.S. Just a note, but I wanted to mention that while I still have to focus really hard on keeping it up, I have a far easier time staying hard when receiving oral sex than I do while having intercourse. It's really bizarre to me but there is something about blowjobs that really gets to me, I dunno. Unfortunately that doesn't exactly please your partner in the long run so

You'll meet another girl bud. The world is still turning.

Day 4

I feel like I almost shouldn't even focus on the days tbh. In addition to doing no PMO I am also initiating a No Contact rule with my Ex as well as focusing on school and working out. I think I should just focus on living my life and should I have urges for PMO then I will deal with them as they come.

It's as if I'm starting in a flatline. I haven't had a strong sex drive for quite some time now. When I would masturbate daily, it wasn't necessarily even because I was horny, it was just like a daily chore I had to do, and even though I think of my ex sexually it's not cause I'm horny but because I miss the possibility of being sexual with them and of course hate the thought of them being with someone else.

To be honest, I can't wait until I become horny and this actually feels like a challenge because right now I just feel sexually dead inside.

Day 6

While I still have very little sex drive, I'm finding that the hardest part is not staying away from porn, but staying away from fantasy. I used to masturbate all the time and fantasize about my now ex-gf or I'd masturbate to memories. It's hard because obviously they are good and fun memories and I get a "fix" by thinking about them, I have to really focus my energy elsewhere. Even typing about it now makes me want to fantasize. Also, I had a dream last night that I was on the computer and was bombarded by porn thumbnails and I did everything in my power not to click. Perhaps that's my brain telling me it's starting to miss that rush of looking at porn. Sorry brain, not gonna give in.

If anyone is reading this, I have a question. My problem with my girlfriend's wasn't so much that I couldn't get hard (not saying it was easy but totally possible and would sometimes happen simply from cuddling) but that I couldn't STAY hard, that's what was so frustrating. So I'm curious if there are guys out there who have the same problem? Is it more easily curable than people who can't get erections at all? And, as mentioned previously, I don't seem to have too much issue staying hard during a blowjob, has anyone else experienced this?

Day 7

Woohoo day 7!!!

I guess I'm a little concerned regarding how easy this has been so far. I figure my current state of depression, due to the breakup, is affecting my sex drive/want to masturbate. Once I get over this breakup I'm curious to see how the rest of the journey will go.

Ran into my ex at school today. She looked gorgeous as always and I felt like my loins were on fire. I wasn't hard but I wanted her so bad and I want to masturbate to her right now, I'm not going to but got dayum I want to. I guarantee I only feel this way because she's my ex though and not just cause she's hot. I have a hard time being sexually attracted to someone unless I am also emotionally attracted

Almost to day 8. I'm a grower and not a show-er in the first place but my dick is totally shriveling, it's fuckin' weird. Seeing my ex today was the first time I've had to fight any urges. I press on.

Exercise, exercise, exercise! I cannot stress it enough how important this has been to the reboot process so far. My world felt like it was collapsing last week. Not only did my girlfriend break up with me but my car is done for. While this sucks for convenience sake it has somewhat been a blessing in disguise. Now that I'm biking everywhere, I'm not only getting more exercise but I'm spending less time at home which means far less temptation. I used to watch porn until the very last minute and rush to work in my car. I simply can't do that now, especially considering the fact that I'm working full time and going to school Mon-Thursday. Additionally, I have been going to the gym at least three times a week and not only does that get me out of the house but it seriously gives me a huge confidence boost. I've been going regularly for about a month now and I can honestly say that I can visibly see some pretty big improvements. My lack of confidence and love of my body definitely didn't help my PIED in any way. God I really look forward to trying sex again in a few months. I'm not expecting to be cured but I do hope for improvements. Success stories give me hope.

Had a dream last night that I tried to have sex and couldn't get it up for the life of me. More of a nightmare really  :'(

I feel hopeless

Hang in there bro, keep on pushing.

Hey bro, just wanted to respond to the question you posted a few days ago. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that the way your body was reacting was exactly the same as mine. I never had much trouble getting erections, but they would usually fade away either before sex or during. I absolutely could not keep an erection if she was on top, and blow jobs were definitely where I had the most success. Yes, it does get better. I am nearing day 50 of my reboot now and I'm already able to have successful sex again as long as we only do it a couple of times a week for now. But as you know, a couple of times a week is infinitely better than not being able to have sex at all. You're not alone, it has happened to many of us. Hang in there, be consistent, be disciplined, and trust the rebooting process. Give your body a chance to recover! Good luck!

P.S. Continue exercising and focusing your energy on more positive things. Keep yourself busy and try to limit time spent online.

willtochange said:

Hang in there bro, keep on pushing.

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Thanks bro, I'm tryin. Everyday just feels like a decade. I'm trying to let go of counting days as it makes time go by so slowly, but at the same time I like to keep track so.

FixingMYPenis100 said:

Hey bro, just wanted to respond to the question you posted a few days ago. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that the way your body was reacting was exactly the same as mine. I never had much trouble getting erections, but they would usually fade away either before sex or during. I absolutely could not keep an erection if she was on top, and blow jobs were definitely where I had the most success. Yes, it does get better. I am nearing day 50 of my reboot now and I'm already able to have successful sex again as long as we only do it a couple of times a week for now. But as you know, a couple of times a week is infinitely better than not being able to have sex at all. You're not alone, it has happened to many of us. Hang in there, be consistent, be disciplined, and trust the rebooting process. Give your body a chance to recover! Good luck!

P.S. Continue exercising and focusing your energy on more positive things. Keep yourself busy and try to limit time spent online.

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Dude this is honestly so encouraging. Thank you for your reply. Yeah, a couple times a week sounds fucking fantastic to be honest haha. Also, I currently live at home and my mom cancelled our internet because it's too expensive. In one way, it sucks, but at the same time it could be considered a blessing in disguise as I don't wanna use up my data on porn lol. Although, it's more videos and pictures of my ex that taunt me.

Also, Day 10 woohoo!!!

Day 11

I guess what's scary to me is how easy this has been. Though, I know in the past it was nearly impossible to stop. I think it took the tragedy of a breakup in order for me to really take this seriously, which is really unfortunate. I made out with someone briefly last night. I hot hard but I didn't want it to go beyond that because I'd be tempted to O. But even when I was making out it wasn't necessarily cause I was horny, I was just kind of trying it out. I want my sex drive back, even if it means that this is more challenging, cause right now I just feel broken

So far I've experienced no benefits except for the fact that I'm proud of myself for abstaining for the longest period in my life since starting PMO. I need to get over this breakup so I won't be as depressed because my sex drive and libido is at 0 right now

Had a girl sleep over last night. We didn't do anything sexual. We just hung out and cuddled but I woke up with a very strong erection so, that was cool. At least I know it's possible

I've been really good about not looking at porn or porn substitutes but I'll be god damned if every once in awhile I don't let my mind wander into past memories about my ex. She was just so good in that department that I'm just like ?\_(?)_/?. But I don't let myself dwell so that's a step I guess

Man. It's honestly depressing how low my sex drive libido is. To be honest, it was strikingly low even before I stopped PMO (I think cause I was so depressed about PIED) but now I just feel dead. I don't think about porn, which is cool, but I also feel nothing sexually and I'm just concerned that this is going to last forever. I assume this is a flat line but I'm not entirely sure.

Deschain said:

Man. It's honestly depressing how low my sex drive libido is. To be honest, it was strikingly low even before I stopped PMO (I think cause I was so depressed about PIED) but now I just feel dead. I don't think about porn, which is cool, but I also feel nothing sexually and I'm just concerned that this is going to last forever. I assume this is a flat line but I'm not entirely sure.

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Hey mate, first of all I'd like to say you're doing fucking awesome so far, you should be proud that you've thrown yourself into changing your lifestyle.
This is the exact same situation I find myself in, i currently haven't PMO'd in 7 days and I feel like a neutered animal, literally no sex drive what so ever. I'm pretty sure this is completely normal though, you have to think dude, we've been bombarding our brains with potentially hours of footage of porn everyday, so the fact that this has been cut so drastically from our lives, it's going to be a shock to the system.

I find myself relating a lot to what you've wrote, masturbating just for the sake of habit rather than being horny, being able to stay hard with oral but not when she is on top etc.

I guess mostly what I wanted to put across is that you're absolutely not alone mate, especially in my case, I feel like we're in a very similar position.

Keep on going dude! There's definitely some positivity just waiting around the corner, just gotta keep pushing!