Author Topic: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?  (Read 2710 times)

aquarius25

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I am hoping that I could get some ideas from some of the men about how to handle the sensitive moments of trying to get our sex life back on track. What is the best way to be encouraging when he isn't getting hard? I am trying to be supportive, encouraging but I end up feeling like I don't know what to do so I hate to admit it but sometime I just walk out. I know that is probably the best thing but I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like talking about it might make him feel worse. Even when we are just messing around but not having sex the fact that he is not hard bothers him, I can tell. He does take Viagra from time to time so we can actually have sex but I find he doesn't last long enough for me to reach O and then he feels like he let me down. My worry is that will make him feel worse about himself which in turn could result in a relapse.

We both thought that the physical touch of a real person (me) and not porn would be helpful to the rebooting process but maybe we are wrong? I just want to do whatever I need to so that I can be as helpful as possible. Thought maybe some of you could lend a perspective? Please. I would really love to have some sex, lol. I am pretty ready but I don't want to be pushy on him. This is so difficult.

aquarius25

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2016, 09:57:11 AM »
Ok so I see a lot of people have viewed my post but seriously I really could use some feedback.  I am sure that some of you men have some ideas on how I can handle the situation without leaving him feeling bad. I have asked him what I can do and he just says he doesn't know. Thus the reason I thought I would post here and ask.

malando

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2016, 11:01:41 AM »
Ok, I'll have a crack at this one since nobody else has. I have not actually suffered from proper PIED - only some very mild symptoms on a few occasions, so I'm not an authority on PIED itself, but I would say that the emphasis of your encounters should be less on actual intercourse and more on the art of touching. Touching is great for the reboot process because part of the problem is that real touch that was replaced with bright pixelated images. The more you can enjoy touching the better the rewiring process will go, IMO. It will take the pressure off the need to maintain an erection. It should allow both of you to reach O if he knows what he's doing (lol), and if he doesn't, you can teach him! You can gradually increase the intercourse component of your encounters as his functionality improves. This might not be your actual end goal, but I do think that it will point you in that direction and maybe even strengthen your bond and intimacy in the process. It will work out if you are both patient and see it as a new adventure of discovery - not just a rehabilitation program. I think bringing a partner to O with touching brings confidence and great satisfaction. It will reduce the anxiety because it's not just erection or bust.

That's how I would want to handle it if I had PIED. I hope that offers something of value to you,

Regards,
M.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2016, 11:05:44 AM by malando »

aquarius25

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2016, 01:13:01 PM »
malando,
Thank you! That makes so much sense. I really appreciate that feedback. I think we have both maybe been focusing too much on sex. Neither of us are really mushy emotional people. We have always had sex and enjoyed it but the whole intimacy and making love was never part of it. That probably makes me sound weird but I have never expressed emotion that way. This will be an opportunity for both of us to step outside out comfort zones, lol. Thank you for responding. It was very helpful. The last thing I want to do is unintentionally shame him or make him feel worse about himself. I think that he has struggled off and on with confidence which probably was one of the reason he started watching P in the first place. I really don't want to trigger that. I just want to be encouraging. Sometimes it hard to know how to do that. Thanks again!

Mystery

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2016, 11:21:43 AM »
Hi Aquarius,

I read your post and i know exactly how he feels. Iam 40 years old, and i was always good with girls in discos, a good seducer, the kind of guy who knows how it works...but..even if i was in bed with lots of girls, i couldn't have enough erection to have proper sex ever. More than 80 girls..iam not joking..but..never worked at all, and i said never ever. i would have prefered stayed in bed just with one but working well, so if you think iam a genius because i got 80 girls you are wrong...failing 80 times is what i feel. So iam an expert listening the kind of stuff girls use to say when you do not get up enough, and i would like to say: it doesn't work at all, it is worse!, we do not need "support" in that moment, it is the worst you can do, telling "caring sentences" or giving "hugs", it is a way to over say that we failed, it is a way to repeat the failure, we know that your intentions are good but the results are bad. In that moment i always got angry when i listened your "caring stuff", it is absolutely useless, we are men!, we need solutions!, not caring, we care our emotions. When i had PIED because my adiction to porn an excesive masturbation i always wanted that the girl who was with me in bed in that moment allowed me to express my frustration, my anger..allowed me to express myself just staying in bed with me, by me, calm, in silence, feeling that you are there, by me, body by body, even sometimes i liked that the girl started to sleep but at least for me, "listening caring sentences" was the worst. When i discovered this community i felt amazing, i knew in a second that my PIED was related to porn and masturbation so i did not do 90 day report...i did "forever report", that means for me that "only a girl is allowed to touch myself in a sexual way but no me"..and to be brutally honest with my heart in my hand...this is the best i have ever done in my life...when a man starts to work again..all the rest of his life starts to work..passion, work, sex, relationships..family...my advice is: encourage him to make an absolutely "no my own hands in my penis again ever"...
i hope everything is gonna be well in your relationship
cheers

malando

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2016, 04:04:00 PM »
Hi Aquarius,

I read your post and i know exactly how he feels. Iam 40 years old, and i was always good with girls in discos, a good seducer, the kind of guy who knows how it works...but..even if i was in bed with lots of girls, i couldn't have enough erection to have proper sex ever. More than 80 girls..iam not joking..but..never worked at all, and i said never ever. i would have prefered stayed in bed just with one but working well, so if you think iam a genius because i got 80 girls you are wrong...failing 80 times is what i feel. So iam an expert listening the kind of stuff girls use to say when you do not get up enough, and i would like to say: it doesn't work at all, it is worse!, we do not need "support" in that moment, it is the worst you can do, telling "caring sentences" or giving "hugs", it is a way to over say that we failed, it is a way to repeat the failure, we know that your intentions are good but the results are bad. In that moment i always got angry when i listened your "caring stuff", it is absolutely useless, we are men!, we need solutions!, not caring, we care our emotions. When i had PIED because my adiction to porn an excesive masturbation i always wanted that the girl who was with me in bed in that moment allowed me to express my frustration, my anger..allowed me to express myself just staying in bed with me, by me, calm, in silence, feeling that you are there, by me, body by body, even sometimes i liked that the girl started to sleep but at least for me, "listening caring sentences" was the worst. When i discovered this community i felt amazing, i knew in a second that my PIED was related to porn and masturbation so i did not do 90 day report...i did "forever report", that means for me that "only a girl is allowed to touch myself in a sexual way but no me"..and to be brutally honest with my heart in my hand...this is the best i have ever done in my life...when a man starts to work again..all the rest of his life starts to work..passion, work, sex, relationships..family...my advice is: encourage him to make an absolutely "no my own hands in my penis again ever"...
i hope everything is gonna be well in your relationship
cheers

That's your story, but it doesn't apply to Aquarius at all, IMO. You were not in a stable relationship - for you it was constant humiliation with 80 different women and constantly hearing the same comments bothered you. But actually that is all about your ego. These women were actually very nice to you. If your ego wasn't in the way, you might have had a longer relationship with one of them and actually discovered that porn is related to your problem and found the solution much sooner with the support of a partner.

Aquarius is in a longterm relationship. It has to be kind and supportive if PIED is occurring - otherwise it will cause damage in the relationship. The communication needs to be open and honest, without pressure, with our ego. Nursing a man's ego won't help in this situation - only being honest, gentle and supportive will work.

I think Aquarius already knows this, I'm just telling you and others who might benefit. I just think it's important not to have a fragile male ego running the show in terms of recovery - it was partly male ego that got him into P addiction in the first place.

Mystery

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2016, 02:16:37 PM »
hI malando, your are totally right man!, i wasn't aware that it was possible my "ego", so i hope that Aquarius25 doesn't have a boyfriend with an "ego" as mine. So in that case my advice totally applies...if you're boyfrined has a ver y high "ego", my advice which iam free to give is, do no use care words.

I hope everything is ok!

Thanks malando man, you solved my problems, i've got a psycologist to get my ego out!

8radishes

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2016, 03:06:09 PM »
Have you tried being the aggressor during intercourse?

As someone who has battled ED/PIED for many years, it doesn't help me at all when my partner lays there waiting for me to make all of the moves (which is pretty much every female I've ever been with). In my experience, the pressure of having to do all of the work and the initiation is the biggest threat to my comfort and confidence in bed. Try to dictate the events. Go down on him before you even start making out. Maybe get on top of him when you feel he has an erection, and put him inside of you before he has even vocalized that he wants to start having full intercourse. In other words, do things to him before he has to start thinking of what to do to you.

I'd also recommend not vocalizing a preference of positions, if that is something you do. I'm just speaking from experience. For example, if your spouse wants to initiate sex via doggy style, don't tell him that you want missionary first so that you can see him. This might be an indication that he feels he has a better chance of staying erect and aroused from doggy style.

In summary of my personal opinions, the more that you can take the responsibility of performance and initiation out of his hands, the better his chances may be of feeling comfortable and aroused. It's worth a shot, if you haven't tried it already. Good luck!
« Last Edit: August 05, 2016, 03:50:02 PM by 8radishes »

bob

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2016, 05:36:33 PM »
aquarius25,

Kudos for trying to be supportive of your partner. That is very cool. As supportive partner makes this process a whole lot easier. Still isn't easy but your support helps!

You don't say how long your partner has been rebooting. Has it been a good number of days he has refrained from pmo or mo? Has he shown other signs of "success" with the process? What I mean is, does he wake with a hard on? Has he gotten past a flatline or withdraws of this addiction? While these are different for all individuals, they can be a factor in an effective recovery.

I know when had PIED it took a bit of time to rebound. In the mean time, I felt terrible when I couldn't get hard. In that case, I think I felt best when someone would just hold me, cuddle, and kindheartedly tell me that its OK. Really isn't anything that she could do for me at that time. Touch was probably more important to me that talking about it. However, everyone is different. I would bring up the conversation at another time. Say that you are willing to talk of he wants to talk; that you are there being supportive.

Not sure if this helps at all.

Peace

tenjyou

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2016, 08:22:38 AM »
Hey Aquarius25,

As everyone has mentioned it's awesome that you are trying to be supportive! It's nice to see that the women in our lives actively accept and are trying to help as best they can.

As for advice, I'd just parrot what malando and bob said but less eloquently. Especially if he is in the early stages of recovery I'd guess that the focus shouldn't be sex and orgasm. Trying to have the body learn when regular touching feels nice, and be verbal about it. I know I had and still kind of have confidence issues with regards to the bedroom and sometimes it's just those constant verbal affirmations that boost up the confidence.

Also especially at the start if both of you are not used to expressing emotion in a more mushy way more often than not you will need to be the one to start it... just don't do it out of the blue otherwise he'll might end up thinking you ate something weird the other day. Communicate to him, hold a conversation about it before just doing it for the first time, so he knows what to do as well. I am willing to guess that more than likely awkwardness will happen and that's okay, it's a process so enjoy the little victories... maybe make a game out of it

Hope that helps and wish you both good luck.

bob

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2016, 10:30:57 AM »
Hey Aquarius25,

As everyone has mentioned it's awesome that you are trying to be supportive! It's nice to see that the women in our lives actively accept and are trying to help as best they can.

As for advice, I'd just parrot what malando and bob said but less eloquently. Especially if he is in the early stages of recovery I'd guess that the focus shouldn't be sex and orgasm. Trying to have the body learn when regular touching feels nice, and be verbal about it. I know I had and still kind of have confidence issues with regards to the bedroom and sometimes it's just those constant verbal affirmations that boost up the confidence.

Also especially at the start if both of you are not used to expressing emotion in a more mushy way more often than not you will need to be the one to start it... just don't do it out of the blue otherwise he'll might end up thinking you ate something weird the other day. Communicate to him, hold a conversation about it before just doing it for the first time, so he knows what to do as well. I am willing to guess that more than likely awkwardness will happen and that's okay, it's a process so enjoy the little victories... maybe make a game out of it

Hope that helps and wish you both good luck.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Just have fun and lovingly explore each other!

Peace

aquarius25

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2016, 04:03:56 PM »
Thank you everyone for all of the great insight! It really helps put things into perspective. As far as how far along he is, its just over a month. Right now he is experiencing a bit of a flatline which has had some unpleasant effects. I am trying my best to not have expectations or make him feel like he is held to a standard. I am just trying to be reassuring as best I can in our current situation. Once question.....Does exceptional irritation and cranky attitudes go hand in hand with a flatline? Like frankly just plain mean sometimes, lol. This is not his normal behavior at all so it was a bit startling at first. I am trying to not take it personal but man that can be really difficult sometimes. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I so greatly appreciate it!

bob

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Re: How can I help? Best way to be supportive to PIED spouse during sex?
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2016, 05:44:55 PM »
aquarius25,

Once question.....Does exceptional irritation and cranky attitudes go hand in hand with a flatline? Like frankly just plain mean sometimes, lol.

I hate to say it but yes, I found (my wife really) that I can be quite cranky during this whole event. Be understanding but remember this quote by Emerald,

His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

This is something that we bring upon ourselves and is really our problem. He shouldn't take it out on you. You can be supportive but he should be aware that he has work to do to improve his attitude.

I would recommend contacting Gracie or Hoopvol (women on RN) if you have any thoughts or questions that you think would be best answered by a women. Both have kind hearts and are wise in their experiences.

Peace