Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 47764 times)

Fungia

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #25 on: August 28, 2016, 07:52:35 PM »
Thanks and i wish you and your husband well. You both will be blessed

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #26 on: August 29, 2016, 05:21:08 PM »
Things are finally starting to feel normal again between me and the hubby. I am enjoying his company again. I am sad the see all the areas that this break in trust has affected us. Its everywhere. In our business when he says that he is taking care of something and I question weather it is really taken care of all the way to when we go to bed. If he stays up later than me my mind starts to wonder if he is staying up to view P. Here he is over 50 days in and I am still stuck there. I don't want to be the kind of person who has trust issues like this and I don't want to diminish his success. I know and understand it just takes time. Even the unintentional little lies feel so big and that is just silly. Something that has been helping is when I am feeling that way I tell him. I just bring it right up, so sugar coating about it. I know that it is probably hard for him to hear but honestly I feel so much better talking it through with him. He has said he appreciates being part of my rebuilding since he feel so responsible for this situation.

I have also been thinking a lot about that. I understand that he is the one who chose this addiction and chose not to tell me but I do feel responsible too. I don't have any logical reason for why I feel that way but I do. My heart breaks for him. The few friends we have told I have noticed have started treating him differently. Not all but a good part of them. It kills me to see them treat him the exact way he thought they would. I have also noticed how it has an effect on their relationships. All of a sudden any  of our friends that are pro porn feel this desire to defend it. Frankly I could care less. I just want to move past this. I want my husband to be healthy and I want to enjoy time with friends without this in the air. I regret telling any of them. O well the most important part is that my family is still together! That to me is a win! Everyday that we stay together P doesn't win.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #27 on: September 07, 2016, 01:09:01 PM »
Well more time has passed. He is still doing well as far as no P is going and I can see how this rebooting process is working for him. He is physically working a lot better and I can see now how much of his confidence was attached to his sexual performance. I can't decide weather that is sad or not. We have sorta fell back into some routines as far as our day to day things go and I have had an interesting realization....this makes me scared. I am terrified of things going back to "normal". See I was lied to when things were "normal". I had no idea but during all of our best years of marriage in our routine he was lying to me. SO now anything that things settle down I get scared. It brings up all of my feelings of insecurities all over again. I feel like, "what else is he hiding right now?". If a healthy normal life terrifies me how can we have a good relationship? I am trying to trust him again. He is doing everything he can and he is quick to respond to anything I mention as being helpful but for some reason I still can't seem to get there. There is always this little voice in the back of my mind that feel like he is hiding something from me. Then there is the resentment. I don't want to be a person filled with resentment but I can't help but realize that he has spent a minimum of just under 3000 hrs with his dick in his hands! I have never spent that much time on something just for myself ever!!! Especially something that was at the expense of my family.  What was I doing during this masturbation and porn fest???? Raising kids, cleaning the house, working and basically serving everyone else. Its hard to not be upset about that. I'm wondering how long I am going to feel this way? How long can I live carrying this with me and at what point do these things rot away at my soul. I don't know how to let go of it as I so very much want to. I feel like he is the one with the addiction but it's the partners that pay the real cost.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2016, 12:18:35 PM »
I really hate porn but I hate lying more. There is no love in lying. When one person lies they are robbing the relationship of authenticity. Two people can't fully and authentically love each other when one person withholds truth. Its just the way it is. I can see how much his heart is breaking with the realization of just how much hurt he has created in this relationship by being completely self centered. I know that we can weather this storm but man this is a shitty storm to weather!!! I also understand that it won't happen over night. I was coaching at a gym I work at and a lady had said she was trying to loose her baby weight. She was frustrated it was taking so long (3 months). I told her that it took 9 months to put it on don't expect to loose it in 9 days, that's not healthy. Well the same goes for this. He took 14+ years of us being together for him to create this wedge one can't expect it to be healed in 90 days. Just because his dick can work again in 90  days doesn't mean my heart will. That is going to be a longer recovery road for sure. I really hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction and has a partner can understand that. The reboot isn't just about PIED and the porn its about your family and how you have been associating or disassociating with them. You loose relationships when you turn to porn. You have to put in the work to rebuild them or you will loose them forever. It sucks to apologize all the time but when you add up all the times you PMO'ed well you can't expect it to be wrapped into one big I'm sorry and have it be all better. Hearts just don't work that way. Or at the very least mine doesn't. For that I am sorry. I really with it did. I love my husband so much but I am so incredibly hurt. I know it will get better, I just wish it didn't have to take so long.

stillme

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #29 on: September 09, 2016, 09:16:56 AM »
aquarius,
My husband and I am finding very good advice, support, and a plan with the books:

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful by Janis Spring and

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To also by Janis Spring

Both books have done a couple things for me recently - validated my feelings (and frustrations) and provided a realistic template for my husband and I to get back where we need to be (or not). It is helping us move on porn recovery to the things we need to put in place for marriage recovery. The biggest thing is that the books have allowed me to see I have a right to require restitution for my hurt and pain - he must prove his love and commitment with actions. Not just any actions, but ones I will feel are validated. The books are not one sided, they also address things I need to do to help rebuild. However, the scaled are fairly balanced, with the larger requirement being on his end. It continues with my thoughts - the person who broke it is responsible for fixing it.

Another thing I have gotten is a validation of my fluctuating feelings. This is normal - to go between hopefulness and despair, being all in to having apathy - those are all normal parts of the healing process.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #30 on: September 13, 2016, 10:56:42 AM »
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!

stillme

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #31 on: September 13, 2016, 01:06:03 PM »
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!

That is awesome news! I am so glad you are doing this for yourself. Like you said, it is your turn. I have also started to do a few things for myself. At first it felt awkward, but realized it felt awkward because I was never doing anything for myself - just my husband and the kids (or work). My husband has also been supportive, and that does feel good. However, the bigger thing I realized is that 'not' looking out for myself put me in a bad situation for his porn use to affect me so deeply. So, we are doing a bit of a dance   he is pulling in towards me and I am pulling back a little bit. At first it felt odd, but it is slowly feeling more right. He was too far one way and I was to far the other way. We are finally finding appropriate balance, and I am finding my own identify.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #32 on: September 21, 2016, 11:07:27 PM »
Well I'm home from a fantastic vacation/ work trip. It was so nice to get away. I feel like I have learned a lot of things. It was nice to get away from the drama. We have two kids (6 & 8) so the break from all of the parenting stuff was nice. My mind could actually focus and relax a bit. It was also nice to be on my own for a few days. I had to go to a few different cities and drive in a new places and as silly as it sounds I had a ton of anxiety about it. I feel like since my confidence has been in the dumps I have felt totally incapable. It was nice to go out on my own and realize I am more than capable of handling this and more. It felt good being on my own. I sounds terrible but it was also nice to see men check me out, lol. It reminded me that I am a completely attractive person who is more than capable of handling life on my own. I choose to stay with my husband, I am not stuck there. Also after a few days it was nice to actually have the feeling of missing him. There are lots of things I take for granted like when he brings me coffee in the morning. There are lots of little things that I noticed he does. It was nice to appreciate those things and actually just miss him. Another terrible thing to admit....it was nice to hear him struggle a little to handle the house and kids, lol. I do the rat race every day and I think that is something he takes for granted too. I think he finally got to realize how much I actually do. We both walked away from the experience realizing a little more about the other person and that was really healing. I so needed to get away and really reflect on everything. We did get into a big argument when I returned but we transitioned out of it much better than before. We have a lot of stress right now in our business and I think that just makes everything so much worse. It was really nice to sit on a beach and enjoy the moment for a few days. A few times there was even a part of me that wished he was there. In those moments I realized how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how glad I am to be choosing him even despite all this crap.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #33 on: September 23, 2016, 02:58:53 PM »
Shame is such a funny thing. I am noticing how there are subtle things I do that my husband perceived as me shaming him, and subconsciously he may be right.  Its in the long breath that I take when I realize that he isn't getting hard when we are making out. It in the lack of interest I show in when he is getting dressed and I can see he is trying to be sexy. All of these things are so subtle that I honestly never even thought he noticed them but I am seeing now he did. I saw that as me loosing interest and respect for him. He is right. Its hard to find yourself super turned on no matter how sexy he is when you have experienced sexual disappointment so many times. Its like I don't even notice myself doing it. It has only been since this reboot has started that I am now noticing all of the ways my husband felt shame. I am so sorry for this. I feel terrible that I may have added to this issue. I know and understand that I didn't get here on my own. That it was a long history of things adding to where I am but still it hurts. I can see it in his eyes. He tries so hard to be something that I can lust after, respect, find attractive, and love madly. Honestly I just want him to be confident with you he is. I want him to be himself. That is the person I fell in love with. I have been trying lately to notice and correct my behavior. The first step is acknowledging and apologizing. I am realizing how I have some responsibility in his addiction and i am owning that. I know its not my fault but in some ways I didn't make it easy. I see how I may have been a difficult person to talk to. That doesn't excuse the behavior but it does help me understand a little more and allow for a higher capacity of grace for him. Hoping that our future can be better than our past!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #34 on: September 30, 2016, 01:46:29 PM »
Well today is day 90 for my husband. It feels like just another day. Even he said he didn't feel like it was a big thing, lol. I think he has finally realized just how much hurt he has caused this family and he is realizing that it is going to take a lot longer than 90 days to fix that. I see that as progress, big progress! He has started seeing the need to invest in me and rebuild my confidence and self worth. That desire alone means so much to me! We added up the approximate amount of hours that he has M'ed over the past 13 years and it was pretty surprising to him. He couldn't believe just how much of his life he spent away from his family, lying and jerking off. I think see it like that was big for him. He has decided if he can spend that much time destroying his family that for the next 13 years he needs to invest that much time rebuilding it. He has encouraged me to take some art classes as that is something that really means a lot to me. I have always wanted to do it and we have always has some excuses not to spend the $. Well He is showing me that I am worth that.  We are talking more vacations (nothing big just camping and stuff) but mainly spending time as a family. It is actually really amazing.

If there are any PA's with spouses, partners or families out there. I encourage you to invest the time you were spending on yourself and put it back into your family and relationships. That is the first step in rebuilding.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2016, 03:22:37 PM »
So far things are settling down. I have had a few things come up but I am managing them fine. One thing I have nocited is I am realizing that I am becoming less and less attracted to my husband. It really makes me sad but the longer this goes on the less I respect him. He hasn't relapsed or anything I just find that I am seeing him as weak a lot more. And for me that is one of the least attractive qualities out there. I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???

Johan

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #36 on: October 06, 2016, 12:53:44 PM »
I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???

What you mean by saying "i am seeing him weak a lot more?" What he does or not do?

edit. oh you mean this http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10879.0
« Last Edit: October 06, 2016, 12:57:09 PM by Johan »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2016, 04:22:02 PM »
Johan,
I am noticing when he does small things that don't meet up to his word. Like when he says he wants to start working out 5 days a week or that he wants to accomplish certain things. When he doesn't follow through I see it as yet another example of him not being his word, lack of integrity. He says he wants to build my trust but him not being his word in these little things hurts any progress he has made. Then when I confront him about it instead of taking ownership for it he just gives excuses. That is the worst part. If you screw up own it, take responsibility and deal with it! Don't sit in stupid excuses, that is just not taking responsibility for your behavior as I see it. That to me is what weak people do when they don't want to dish out the real work. And the fact that I have to sit here and tell him its ok and give him a pep talk because his confidence is down is ridiculous. He has destroyed my self esteem and I don't ask him for a pep talk!

His PA has made me feel like crap about myself but I finally got to a place where I had to take responsibility for myself and my self image. I am the only one who should determine how I feel about myself! I am a cross-fit instructor part time and I decided that if I was feeling a but flabby in some areas then I need to work on them! To give myself a bit of motivation I am even entered into a power-lifting competition in a few months. Something I realized along the way is that I don't have a cut set of 6 pack abs. That is a diet issue. I eat pretty healthy but I do like wine and tacos from time to time. Instead of feeling sorry for my lack of awesome six pack I decided I like tacos more. I am going to own that and not complain about no six pack.

Its the same for him! Its all about where your priority is!!! If he really wanted to be his word then he could but he would rather sit is self pity! That is weak and unattractive. If he says he wants to sexually please his wife and when given the opportunity he just focuses on his PIED dick then he is basically choosing to feel sorry for himself over pleasing me. That is not something I can get behind. I truly believe that you accomplish in life whatever you make your priority. He is choosing that self pity is more important than recovery. That is just sad and yes I am loosing attraction to him as a result.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #38 on: October 07, 2016, 12:03:40 PM »
Finally had another good talk with the hubs, lol. He agreed that he is choosing to sit in self pity and that is not a fun place to be. He doesn't know why its so hard for him to move out of it but it seems to be. We worked through some things and he has been working on some phrases that he can say to pull himself out of it. I am trying to help where I can. If he needs to be reminded that he doesn't need to feel sorry for himself but that he is choosing it, I can do that. It is his subconscious that fill his brain with shame so we need to start building healthy routines in his conscious and eventually with practice that will sink into his subconscious. I think it is sad that he is feeling this way but at the same time the first step is taking responsibility and ownership for it. Recognizing when he is being selfish and feeling sorry for himself and then choosing to take a different direction. I also told him the kids and I are not going down that depressing road with him. We are choosing to be healthy. I am no longer going to allow this to effect my self image and self worth and I will certainly not allow this to have a lasting effect on our children. We are choosing to have healthy boundaries, to respect each other, have integrity, see value in ourselves and others, and live life with joy! He can join us or sit in his pity. But if and when he is choosing shame and pity I will point that out to him kindly and if he chooses to stay there then he needs to go on a drive or do something on his own. We aren't going to allow this to have such a big impact on our family anymore. I did say if there is anything we can do to help to please communicate that because we love him and want him to get better but I will not sit and enable this behavior. I love him, I donot plan to leave but one thing I don't think he realizes is when he trashes himself and sees himself as a piece of crap then its insulting to me too. He is basically calling the person I value most in this world a piece of crap and insulting my taste in men. And by choosing to become that very thing is sad and not respectable. It makes staying with him difficult because that is not an attitude I would ever pick in a partner.

I really hope that PA's with SO's can understand when you shame yourself you are unintentionally shaming your partner too. Its important to pull yourself out of it not just for yourself but for them too!

Emerald Blue

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #39 on: October 12, 2016, 05:45:51 PM »
My SO also gets stuck in the shame mindset. It's tough because it's like he turns even my feelings into his shame, as if how I feel about myself, my negative body image and low self esteem (as it was) is down to his behavior. Well.... yes and no. I would rather that I could say [the addiction behavior] happened and my response to [the loss of intimacy and his lack of interest in real sex] was .... and see it as MY feelings. I may have been reacting to circumstances and how I perceived the situation (bearing in mind it was all hidden from me) but that doesn't mean it's ALL his "fault". Then there's this weird attitude he has about masturbation, like being found out was the worst humiliation, and how undignified to be busted as a porn addict.

I said to him, please let go of this shame but he kept on insisting it was his behavior and his decision and if he hadn't got hooked on porn I wouldn't have been as broken as I eventually became. It's sort of true but how I felt about myself wasn't 100% down to him. Still, he couldn't get past it. The shame around masturbation was a bit strange too. Did he really think I didn't know what men did when they watched porn? I grew a bit impatient. I felt his shame was getting in the way of communicating and making progress, for both of jus. There has been no big turnaround but he seems to feel the shame less intensely. The fact that my self esteem and self image has improved might have helped him, but like you I get a bit impatient with it. I can't see why he is stuck there.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2016, 05:48:59 PM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2016, 09:38:13 PM »
EB, Shame is such a funny thing. I can't figure out how to fully wrap my mind around it. All I can think to do is move forward with my life. I am working on just being a person filled with peace and love. When my husband is in a rut I tell him he can choose to come out of it and be with us or go take a break because I feel like I have been unintentionally enabling his shame. The last thing I want to do in be an enabler. He really is a wonderful man with so much to offer but not when he is buried in shame and feeling sorry for himself.

I have had some ok days. Things are mellowing...well emotions are mellowing. Life is crazy, business, homeschool, soccer ballet and the list goes on. Thankfully my husband has been a lot more involved and attentive to helping out around the house. One area that I have noticed he has slowed a bit is in his interest for my recovery. I get it, if I look like I am doing fine then he doesn't think anything is going on and he doesn't think to check in. He is communicating his recovery fairly well and so far he is doing really great. He seems to be starting to come out of this tunnel of shame that he likes to hang out in, lol. I am glad because he is a lot nicer to be around. I talked to him about checking in more and he responded really well. At the moment I am very optimistic about us making it through this. Lets hope we can keep these good days going!

My new art classes are fantastic and it feels great to get out and be creative. It has helped me so much in so many ways. Also my hubby has started going to the gym and help spot me on my powerlifting training. Its nice to have his support and do this with him. I feel like we are finally sharing things together. It feels really good. I am finally enjoying spending time with him. I haven't felt that since D-day.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #41 on: October 17, 2016, 03:16:37 PM »
Well the weekend was good. We had a great family day with the kids on Friday and my mom took the kids after the soccer game saturday so we had saturday night all to ourselves. My husband wanted to go out to dinner and celebrate all of the progress we have made not just with P but also in our business. We have had some big things come up and he has been really excited about lots of aspects of life. Seemed worth celebrating. He mentioned noticing that I seem different these days. That he is hoping we can get back to "normal". It hit me kind of hard. I finally was very clear with him that we will never be "normal" ever again. Its sad but one thing I have been becoming more and more aware of is the realization that I am mourning the loss of a piece of myself. It died on D-day and it will never come back. He is an amazing man. He is a good father, friends and for the most part a good husband. I have no intention of leaving and I do love him very much but I will never trust him again. The fact that he could deceive for as long as he did and I was played the fool make me realize not only can I not trust him but it has cause me to loose trust in myself and my own judgement. I am realizing that even if I were to leave it wouldn't be better elsewhere. I don't think I could be with anyone and trust them with the level of blind 100% trust that I used to view my husband with. I will always wonder if I am being played a fool again. The young and innocent idea of love and trusting your partner 100% seems naive to me now. I view it more as an unrealistic view on love. I was always transparent with him and he did not reciprocate and now I feel like everyone in this world is probably hiding something....even me now. I go to lots of efforts to keep my husbands reputation good even thought I know his truth. I don't want others to view him poorly. So yeah now I am just one more person in this world with a secret. I feel like in this process of helping him recover I have become some of the things I hated in him. That is really a sad awareness. I don't think it will go away either. I know we can enjoy each other and have a decent marriage but honestly I will always assume that he is hiding something from here on out. He lied to me for well over a decade without any intention of coming clean. He got caught, he did not confession his own. I do plan on staying with him. I am just adjusting to living this new life learning how to accept this new reality that I cannot trust anyone 100%.

I did tell him all of this. It seems like he is realizing more and more just how much things are different and how they can never be the same. There is no going back only moving forward into this unknown. I don't know what things will look like 10+ years but I know that I, and my marriage, are forever changed by this. It really saddens my heart.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #42 on: October 20, 2016, 02:44:37 PM »
Well I have been staying busy and that really helps life move along without me focusing on negatives too much. I have been trying to keep more of a positive perspective on things. I can see that the awareness of my husbands addiction is really weighing on him. I am trying to appreciate that at least he is finally understanding just how much damage he has cause but I also don't want him to stay there so I have been trying to be a lot more encouraging to him. He has been so supportive to me and I am trying to reciprocate that now that I feel like I am finally in the place emotionally to do so. I have started thinking a lot about us and what our future looks like. What does a good marriage after porn look like? I know that things will never be the same but I really have no idea what a successful marriage after this experience is supposed to be. Are we living it right now? Is this as good as it gets? I have been analyzing what my hopes are for us and trying to figure out if they are realistic or not. Its a huge step that I am seeing and visualizing a future for us at all when I look at just how depressed I was just a few months back! I am proud of that.

Another thing that has come up lately is my desire to move. I know part of it is running away. We have confided in a few friends and some of those relationships are not the same. It has been unfortunate for both my husband and myself. Things are really awkward now and that has made healing more difficult for sure. I just feel like we are working on becoming a new couple and would like a fresh start. There are financial reasons that for our business it could be good to live in a different state with a more business friendly tax structure but honestly that would just be the excuse we use for our friends. Really I just want a fresh start but then again that feels like running away to some degree. Our family is here and it would probably cause more harm than good. Still I can't seem to shake the feeling of wanting to start over somewhere. Has anyone else ever thought about that?

Gracie

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #43 on: October 20, 2016, 03:05:39 PM »
What my husband insisted on was we got married on our 30th anniversary again.  We did it with just family and grandkids read our vows to us.  It was a good thing.  We also bought a new bedroom set.  He was a tv user and I told him by using in our room while I was away let these women in our private personal space.  That really go to me.  Soooo we did that and it was enormous help.  Also he had a chair in the living room where he would sit after work until I went to bed.  He now sits on the couch with me.  He sits in the recliner occasionally but now sits with me.  Those things made a great difference for me.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #44 on: October 21, 2016, 03:47:02 PM »
Thanks Gracie! Those are good suggestions. I think for me being as stubborn as I am the biggest thing I need to do is genuinely learn to let go. My husband is working so hard to make me feel better. He would do literally anything. He hasn't relapsed and has been communicating so much more. I am just having a hard time letting go and fully accepting his apology. Its hard. I feel like I have to consciously choose forgiveness almost every hour of every day. I know that by not letting go I am suffering more and so is he. I see it is hindering our progress together and that makes me sad. I am learning that this is a problem I have. He is responsible for the P but this stubborn streak I have isn't helping anyone. That is something I really need to work on. I am understanding just how hard it is to forgive when the hurt is so great and you are in the "right" about it. It is so hard to let go and move on. Sex is getting better and that does help. He is doing so many things and really becoming the man that I have always wanted and believed him to be. Actually he is way more attentive so he is doing even better than before D-day, lol. Its my turn to put in the hard work and learn to be more forgiving. Sometimes in life we are called to forgive even the big offenses and I am realizing the only way I and my marriage can heal is if I do.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #45 on: October 23, 2016, 01:03:25 PM »
Life is hard. I feel like the longer I am going through his reboot process the more difficult it is getting. He is doing a lot better. I can see he is becoming the person that I have always wanted him to be but I am not. I feel like he is bettering himself and I am getting worse. I don't trust people anymore. I can forgive his porn addiction but I don't trust him and not sure I ever will 100%. Frankly I am not sure I will trust anyone 100% ever again. I feel like he has deceived me for so long I no longer trust my judgment anymore. I assume that everyone is hiding something and they all have a hidden agenda. I am noticing that I am seeing the worst instead of who I was before, an optimistic to the core. I feel like I am in Oz and someone just pulled the curtain on the wizard. I see the truth now and I can't un-see it. I feel like I am realizing that I was ignorant before, foolish really. Now I see the way people really are. Honestly I was happier before and I carry anger at my husband for this experience. I am over the P but the deception has made me a worse person. That I am upset about and I don't really know how to move out of it. I don't know how to get beyond this point. I want our family to be happy again. I just feel like I am living in a chronic state of functioning depression and it just sucks. Any advise? I just can't get over the fact that he is the one who became addicted to P and somehow he comes out a better person and I feel like I just get the shit end of the stick. I am a very "fair" person and its so hard to let go of that because there is nothing fair about this. The partners of a PA just get the shit end of the stick!

Advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I am really needing them right now.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #46 on: November 02, 2016, 02:39:08 PM »
Well more times passes. We decided to take the kids on a work trip with us. We had a good time as a family and it felt good to be a family. I was glad to notice that the kids are good. I feel like so far they have weathered this storm pretty well. That makes me so glad because as a mother I worry about them so much! On our marriage recovery note its just the same. Nothing better or worse but stagnate. I am learning to just live with this feeling of un-trusting. I am learning to live with this as my new normal and I am realizing that it is making me depressed. So much so that I spoke yesterday with my husband about getting on some depression medication. I just feel unhappy all the time and frankly I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am tired of feeling sad and feeling like a worse person while watching my husband become an amazing man. I feel like less of a person all the time. Not really sure how to turn it around.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #47 on: November 03, 2016, 06:52:19 PM »
Another day. My hubby has been working out of town most of today and I have been getting the house stuff done. I was doing laundry and came upon the panties I found him masturbating to, the ones that weren't mine. He wanted to get rid of them after D-day but for some weird reason I kept them. I can't seem to let go of them. Its like they are a reminder for me of everything. Anyway it wasn't great and I ended up going through all the computers to make sure nothing has been viewed recently. For some illogical reason I feel like he has been M'ing. We haven't has sex in a while and he hasn't seemed in the mood. He says its a flatline but I have this nagging feeling that its something else. I feel like I am going crazy. I really hate this lack of trust I have for him Its hard to be married to someone you don't trust. How is this going to work?

cuppatea

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #48 on: November 04, 2016, 02:37:44 PM »
Hey, I've read through your whole journal. So much of it rings true for me. Even the part about wanting sex with someone that finds you desirable. I would love nothing more right now than to be taken by a man who is just totally into me. Sex with hubby feels contrived and awkward. Plus all the memories of our past sex life feel like a sham as well. Oh well, I did think about cheating, I even threatened it at one of my low points (told him I know where sex addicts go for hooks ups and that I could likely find someone by tomorrow to shag), but I won't and don't really want to, it would make me feel worse and my reason was for revenge as he has no issue with me watching porn I needed to ramp it up something he does feel is cheating.

The rest rings true as well though at the start I had shock but also hopefulness. Then I spiraled into a pit of depression and extreme anxiety. I've gone on meds for that and feel more stable but now it's like the reality of everything is really setting in and it feels like this heavy weight dragging me down and I just see no end to the unhappiness and uncertainty.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2016, 03:00:10 PM by cuppatea »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #49 on: November 04, 2016, 08:30:47 PM »
Cupatea, I completely understand that heavy feeling. My husband is well over 100 days. I have stopped counting. I trust him to not look at porn anymore. He feel so terrible about the entire thing that I think the thought of it just makes him sick. I don't want to be upset anymore. I wish I could just let it go but every time I go even just to the grocery store I run into another person that my husband used to PMO to. It brings everything up all over again. I feel like I just want some space from this tiny town to heal our marriage.