Author Topic: Its a process...I guess.  (Read 47676 times)

aquarius25

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Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 14, 2016, 12:26:24 AM »
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.

IMNOBODY

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2016, 02:08:00 PM »
Quote
This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing,

I read it as I'm sure many others have or will too. there are great people on this site that will give you support. Thanks you for sharing your sorry.


PS: Sorry to hear about your cancer.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2016, 05:03:15 PM »
IMNOBODY,
thank you for the kind words. Cancer sucks but at least its something at you can talk about with your friends without shame. My husband has a problem but he is a good man. He is a good father, friend and person. I hate how much shame is attached to this because it makes it hard for him to find support and me too. I am sad to think that I may confide in a friend and have that change their perspective of him. I don't want them thinking something "dirty" about him. I understand it though because I  admit that I thought that too.....at first. Those were my first thoughts. I can't imagine how hard that would be for him to live with this secret. I have been mad, angry and overwhelmed but mostly I just feel sad for him. I have and compassion for this struggle. It is so much harder than cancer. I am looking forward to the day that we can be a healthy couple and have an amazing sex life! Really looking forward to the last part!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2016, 12:51:55 PM »
Well getting ready to go away for the weekend. I have so many feelings about leaving my husband with the kids. I am scared that we will relapse and also there is a part of me that knows its going to happen at some point so lets get it over with. I know that doesn't make much sense but lately nothing has made sense. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, it's really hard. Another thing that has been crossing my mind is other men. I feel like it has been forever since I have had great sex! I would like to get laid, lol, badly. Not by someone who feels obligated to "try" and need medication to preform but someone who finds me irresistibly attractive and wants me. I miss having that connection with someone. I don't even care about love or anything like that I just want a physical experience. I know its cheating, and I certainly wouldn't follow through with this but I can't deny that I have been fantasizing about it. There is also most likely a terrible part of me that is angry and maybe hurting him is something I want in some horrible part of my heart. That's sad. 13 yrs of marriage has boiled down to this.

I feel like I need to start trying to enjoy doing things with him. Maybe that will help remind me of the man who I married? I don't know. I think I just need to keep processing.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2016, 07:04:26 PM »
Aquarius25, I found this site about 3-4 months into recovery, maybe? Can't quite remember but till then I suffered in Silence because it is not some bring we can talk about to others. I feel your pain. I don't think I have experienced anything quite so hurtful as this. Just remember not to allow what he has done and what has happened to make you feel less about you. It's not about you, it's about him. It wouldn't matter who your husband had married he would've had the same issue. Watch your thoughts because without realizing it you will blame yourself. I understand your lonely feeling. I think it was the worst feeling when I first started to go through this. I constantly felt so lonely and like our life was all a sham. Thank God my husband has taken his recover very seriously and as yet hasn't had any relapses. That's not to say he won't. We are a year into recovery. I can talk to him at times about it now in a calm manner but it still Hurts like hell. I also still yell and occasionally have a flipper as much as I hate to admit it. He has no PIED anymore but I do think he struggles with temptations when it comes to looking at women and stuff although he claims he doesn't. I can't even begin to describe it all to you here. I pray for you in this journey. If he is serious about hair recovery there is hope. The road is bumpy and not fun but things can improve. You need to take care of you. Journaling helps a lot and if you can find a pastor/counsellor/non judgmental Friend or any of the like to talk to it will help. Take a look at my journal posted just below yours. It's long but it details a lot of the ups and downs I have had in this journey. Check out the spouses section of you haven't already. There are some VERY nice and helpful ladies there. Too many to list.
My journal is called my journey to restoration.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2016, 07:06:43 PM by Objectified1 »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2016, 09:39:56 PM »
Thank you ladies for the support. After going away for the weekend I was finally to think about something else beside P. I really needed that. I didn't tell any of my friends about it, did seem appropriate. It was a bachlorette party and was supposed to be about the bride to be. It was difficult at first because all I could think was, "Why would anyone want to get married?" LOL. After some time it got better. Some of the other married ladies stating talking about their husbands and it created a moment for me to reflect on the good parts of this man that I have shared so much with. There is a part of me that feel completely lied to and wonders if all of our marriage was a lit but the majority of me knows that is just not true. I do believe that this really is the only thing he was keeping from me and it was done out of shame. He is a great father, friend and person. I am glad to have shared so much life with him. I am also glad for the opportunity to remember that.

He was so supportive too. Constantly in contact with me and reassuring me as to what was going on (and what wasn't) on the home front. I think he knew I was having anxiety and he has been taking every effort he can to help in any way possible. I am glad that we are talking more and are doing this together. Recovery is for both of us and without communicating neither of us will recover. I really think I was letting this consume me. I know that will probably happen again but its nice to have a break from time to time.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2016, 12:55:49 PM »
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

malando

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2016, 01:57:01 PM »
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

That's really awesome. You're moving past the anger to the good stuff - understanding and healing. Best wishes.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2016, 11:21:46 PM »
Well another week has passed and things for the most part are finally feeling normal, almost. I have noticed that P doesn't occupy a huge portion of my thoughts anymore and I am not constantly talking about it with my husband.

 I am ok if he relapses and I am to a point where I am just sad for him. I can't imagine how he has felt the last honestly 20 yrs. He has been doing this and experiencing PIED for all of his sexual life. He started M way too young and I can see how this has destroyed his confidence. I can also understand now how PMO was a confidence booster for him. I truly believe that he thought it was helping when in reality it was making things worse. I can also see how over the years I made it harder. I had no idea I was doing that but I can hear the offhanded comments that I made from time to time were probably shaming. The pin-up photos I had taken of myself. There were a number of years we were really into classic cars and rockabilly culture, that is all retro porn. He honestly had no idea that P was causing his ED and I feel sad that I had encouraged it to some degree.

I want to support him because I love him. I want to see the man he is without this. Initially I was scared. There are so many emotions this has stirred for me. It has brought every insecurity I have ever experienced to the very surface. For that frankly I am glad. I am not there yet but I know I am going to be a stronger and happier woman. I was scared of his recovery because I had thoughts like "What if he recovers and realizes he doesn't love me?" and many others. The reality is I know our relationship is stronger than this. I also know that in supporting each other we will be closer and stronger. My heart breaks for the years of dishonesty and we can't go back but we can move forward. He has carried this for so long, longer than I have known him. I am glad to be walking along side him and being an encouragement.

Thank you everyone here for your encouragement as well. It really does make all the difference.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2016, 02:18:35 PM »
Yesterday was hard. He must have been having a bad day because he was crabby as all get out! It uncovered a trait that he does. We own a business together (a start up lighting manufacturing company). So we have to work together all the time, lol. Life gets interesting from time to time. We have been super slammed! We both also have other day jobs as well while this business gets off the ground. So I understand that we are both exhausted.  Anyway I had asked him about a few things that he said he was going to take care of and he shined me on. I just felt like we had been communicating so well and when he did that it brought up all those emotions of being lied to. I feel like I over reacted and blew up. I am not saying that I didn't have reason to be upset but I am realizing how I let my emotions get away from me. That realization was big. As I look back I am seeing how I have done that from time to time about various things. I think that is one of the triggers for him. He feels like crap about whatever we were arguing about and then goes to P because that isn't going to argue back and make him feel like crap. I am not saying its not ok to communicate when your displeased but maybe I should not be sooo upset about it. Everything feels so at the surface. All my emotions feel raw. I don't want to be part of his triggers. I want to be helping him. I think it would be more healthy for me too if I wasn't so emotional.

Thankfully he didn't relapse but I can see how he could have. I am really proud of him. He is making huge progress and so am I. This morning I apologized and so did he. We both talked about our feelings in a better head space. I can tell he appreciated me apologizing my crazy, lol. He is doing so much to better himself, I need to meet that effort and better myself too.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2016, 07:03:29 PM »
That's good that You guys talked and he never relapsed. Hopefully he is learning new coping skills because in life he will have to deal with many stressful situations. PMO can't be the answer. The key is to minimize stress whenever possible but when not possible to learn to cope PROPERLY, because you can't always minimize or avoid it. It is Imparative for everyone (spouses and PA's) to learn to deal Properly with stress. Addicts hide and avoid instead of coping or dealing with life as it happens. All addicts. They are hiding in the vice of choice (alcohol, porn, drugs etc).

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2016, 11:13:56 PM »
So true Objectified1. You are completely spot on. I have been reading about breathing techniques so when your having a discussion and feeling yourself become worked up to focus on breathing, allow yourself to calm and slow your mind. I am hoping that I can practice it a bit and try that next time. Although it hard to remember in the moment, lol.

 I talked to him today a bit. We have had a few things that have been difficult to work through. Sex is hard. We have been trying every 2 days and frankly it is terrible. I have been trying to be encouraging but its just not working, then he feel disappointed and its just bad. I had posted a question about it on one of the forums and got a decent idea. The cool part is we were able to discuss it and we both didn't feel weird or anything. I am going to try something new for me. I am not an emotional person in the bedroom. Sex has been a fun and enjoyable thing but not emotional thing. The term making love was always weird and mushy to me. Well I am going to step out of my box and try it. Not even having sex but being more emotional with physical touch. He said that would help. He is more romantic than I, by a lot. I think it would take the pressure off is we are both stepping out of our comfort zones and trying something new together. I am also wondering if allowing myself to experience more emotion in these areas will be good. Not have emotion so bottled up and maybe I will be less inclined to explode other times.

Thank you for your encouragement. I so greatly appreciate it!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2016, 11:56:49 AM »
Something I have been noticing is how much exercise have been helping my attitude. I know it sounds cheesy but it helps so much! Just like we encourage men and women who are PA's I think its great for their partners as well. I have been doing crossfit for a while and being about to go lift weights, see myself reach new goals is super motivating when my confidence is in the dump. It help be realize how strong, capable and worthy I am. I encourage anyone experiencing low confidence to go workout and get your sweat on!

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2016, 12:55:39 PM »
How long has he been in recovery? You say things are not working in the bedroom. I am thinking you mean he is having trouble with PIED. If so, as long as he stays away from ALL artificial stimulation he will improve. This includes checking out women in the streets and fantasizing. My husband had trouble with both of those after he stopped porn and it was months afterwards that he actually was able to say he stopped it all and not just the porn. At the time he wasn't telling me either. It wasn't till after the fact that I found that out. That's not to say your husbands the same. It could be anything. Of course no one can say how long it takes as everyone is different. You have to be careful in the bedroom while he is recovering. I know with me and my hubby anything that resembles porn was a no no, things he watch or Took part in via porn (oral sex etc). Of course Everyone's different like I already said. Focus on just being naked together and touching in a loving way. Not to have sex or start sex even but to just gently and lovingly explore each other's bodies. Go slow and let sex happen on its own. If it doesn't happen don't worry about it. I know with my hubby his PIED turned into performance anxiety. After a while I could tell the difference. Anyway, best of luck to you both!

stillme

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2016, 01:45:37 PM »


I just finished a workout about 15 minutes ago! Yes, exercise has really been helping me feel better as a partner of a recovering PA.

« Last Edit: July 28, 2016, 01:49:55 PM by stillme »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2016, 09:53:34 AM »
Its been a bit of a stressful week. I have a test for my crossfit trainer cert and it also mean I have to go out of town again. I have mixed emotions about this. I think its actually positive that I am more nervous about my test than leaving my husband for the weekend. I am come to terms with his addiction and progress. He is doing great and is just shy of 1 month no P. I am really proud of him. What I have realized is if he does relapse, he is doing his best but he is human. I know he is giving this all the effort he can. I see how important it is to him and us but at the end of the day its up to him. I am here to support him. If I shame him or get really mad it just makes him feel worse and destroys his progress. The only thing I can do is love him and accept him for who he is today and help him be who he wants to be. His relapse (if it occurs) is not mine, not my fault, not my responsibility. I feel really good about that. I am seeing how that is huge progress for me.

Now if I could just make some progression this test, lol. The stomach acid that churns up are a result of the nerves is terrible, lol! I guess I should just go get some tums. Ha ha ha.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2016, 01:21:59 PM »
Well I left for another weekend and I am glad to say that I wasn't constantly thinking about if he was looking at anything or not. We have had some ups and downs the last few days. A bit of a roller coaster. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. The positive part is I am able to put some distance between my emotions and my mouth, lol. I am able to stop and think logically about the situation. I am starting to learn how to think rationally and decided how I should feel instead of reacting or more often than not.....over reacting, lol. I understand that this is not my fault and even though it really difficult I am try very hard to not take it on myself and make it personal. Breathing and helped a lot. Clearing my mind and creating a moment between me and my emotions. This is the hardest thing we have ever battled in our 13 yr marriage. We have endured a lot and I can honestly say this is without a doubt the most difficult.

Another thing that has been over the moon amazing is I have finally found someone I can talk to. Someone who understands. They have a different perspective a bit but the one thing they don't have is judgment. They are a safe sounding board for me whenever I need it. They are encouragement when I feel crummy and they believe in me and my relationship with my husband. All they want is for us to find happiness. That has been life changing! I don't think they will ever know what an amazing gift they have given me and I am eternally thankful! If you are going through this you need to have safety to vent and seek support. Not just in a forum but more personal than that. You need to connect with an individual, even if its just in a text conversations if that is all you can do. Reach out and find someone!

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #17 on: August 07, 2016, 05:58:49 PM »
The last few days have been less crazy thankfully. Things are starting to slow down. My husband is most defiantly still flat lining but he is handling it in a much batter way.  Those first few days were pretty rough. Learning to separate myself from his recovery yet still be a part of his process is a tricky balance. For a while I felt angry, all the time. That anger still creeps in usually when I least expect it. It is triggered by random things and I feel like I am experiencing the entire situation all over again as if we were at day one. Then I have to remind myself, forgiveness is a choice. When you remember you have a choice that gives you power. You no longer feel helpless, taken advantage of, or small. Choice gives you a voice ,a stay in your circumstance and with that choice you have ownership in the outcome of your circumstances. I choose to stay. I can honestly say it is the hardest choice I have ever made. My choice was made with careful thought and care. I used not just my emotions but logic as well. My emotions will lead me down a crazy road if I live my life according to them as they are a roller coaster reacting to everything and anything. My mind and logic is more steady. I take ownership of where I am. I take ownership in my marriage and ownership in my happiness. I am responsible for my happiness and weather or not I experience it. I choose to be happy, I choose to be married and I choose to support my husband no matter how difficult this process is. That is a very empowering realization.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2016, 08:51:15 AM by aquarius25 »

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #18 on: August 10, 2016, 08:55:56 AM »
Ok I know this might make me sound terrible but I just have to vent one frustration into the void of whoever is reading this ridiculous process, lol. I in no way have been pressuring or venting this to my husband but can I just say that when one spouse is "rebooting" you both are! Flatlines are experienced by both too! The problem is only one person is experiencing the low libido. I don't have a P problem, I am not experiencing a flatline but somehow we partners have to pay for it too. I don't want to pressure him but I do like sex! I would like to have some, lol! This seems like a very one sided situation. Just saying.
 Ok done venting.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #19 on: August 10, 2016, 09:49:09 AM »
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you Voicing how you feel to your husband. Personally I felt that just because he was in a flatline (no desire to have sex) didn't mean we shouldn't have sex. It is possible to have sex without wanting to have sex. I felt that since he had gotten us to this place without any regard, care or concern for me, once we got to recovery I no longer had any acceptance of selfishness towards me on his part. Recovery is so much more then not watching P or PMOing. Recovery, although gradgual of course and not all at once, should be seen in his change of attitude. They got into PMO to the point of addiction due to poor choices and poor attitudes, mainly selfishness and immaturity. They won't get out and recovered the same way.  During recovery we had sex if I wanted to have sex. Of course there has to be some consideration of them on our part as well. Meaning, it's not right for us to take on the selfish, this is all about us stance. BUT I felt it is ok, normal and necessary for him to put himself aside for once and put me first, think about me. It may be some work to get him in the mood, which it was at times, but once we got going, it was alright. We had lots Of issues with PIED which caused me lots of mental trouble but thank God it is better now. We didn't avoid sex because he was not up to it. Sometimes he just did things to make me happy and we didn't even have sex. He was very remorseful for the pain he caused me and that he had turned our sex life into the mess it was from his selfishness and ignorance. It showed in him putting me first in his recovery when it came to sex. We always have to Remember that the journey is different for each of us though and what goes for one couple May not apply to the next. Hoping things improve and you guys recovery quickly! :)

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #20 on: August 12, 2016, 09:41:24 AM »
Thank God!!!! My husband did not break his penis, LOL! I know that sounds odd and maybe even slightly offensive but knowing how long he has been doing this there was a small part of me that was worried it would never work again. Well I am happy to report that things are starting to work. He is just under 45 days and he has had a few erections without medication. It feels weird to be this excited about it but ya know what.....I don't care! I am really excited. It gives me hope that we can have a healthy great sex life. I have never received this much hope from an erections before, LOL! Anyway things are going well. We are communication a lot more than we have before and I am feeling very hopeful for what's to come. I understand we still have a long way to go but at least it a "we". Our marriage will last and we are both committed to each other 100%.

Objectified1

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2016, 10:57:30 AM »
Fantastic news! I understand where your coming from. I tell hubby occasionally now how much I appreciate his erections lol. I now have an appreciation for it I never had before.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #22 on: August 23, 2016, 09:36:01 AM »
Well the last few days have been pretty rough. I had found out that what I thought was a natural erection for my husband was in fact pill induced. Of course I freaked out. I really wish I was better at processing this information without so much emotion, I really think it would help the both of us. It bothered me because I just felt lied to all over again. Trust, I am convinced that is the worst part of this process. I have never been a very patient person and trust requires so much of it. I guess we are both learning new things. I can see how if we can make it through this process that we will both be better people individually and as a couple. Since he came clean about our last sexual experience being pill induced and I was very clear about my boundaries regarding it thing have been going better. He has started getting occasional erections on his own, just now I am left suspicious. I don't want to be that way. I really just want to love and accept him where ever he is at. I just really need complete honesty. I have noticed that when he isn't completely honest with me I find I am hesitant to be honest with him. I end up reminding myself and forcing the honesty out. Its like a little mental battle I play out in my head instead of the way it used to be which was just natural.

He is around day 50 now. I can see how physically things are starting to get back to healthy function. I also think he is starting to fully realize just how damaging the emotional element is. He is realizing just how low my self esteem is as a result of this process. And I share responsibility in that too. It is not just his fault. I am responsible for the way I see myself. Its just this situation makes it very difficult. Another think I have noticed. He is much more attentive to me and has been trying to build me up but his words feel like nothing to me. He calls me beautiful and it just doesn't feel the same. I think that is in part because the trust is broken, it just feels like an empty complement. Also I feel like his complements feel like they are out of obligation. Like he knows he screwed up and he has to fix it. I don't want to feel this way. It bothers me quite a bit. It bothers me that when another man compliments me I find it means more now. That is just so sad. I am seeing just how deep the wounds between us are.

Fungia

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #23 on: August 24, 2016, 12:05:47 AM »
Thanks for your story. I must confess that my addition cost me my marriage and a long term relationship.  Now that I have made the decision to truly break these chains, I look back at my life and the pain I caused two wonderful woman.  I am so ashamed and wish I had the skill and support when I was younger to deal with these things.  I just realize that I now have the opportunity to make good and hopefully find forgiveness. It is amazing that you can support your husband but I guess he needs to truly want to be free.  I started to exercise too and agree with you it makes dealing with things easier.

aquarius25

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Re: Its a process...I guess.
« Reply #24 on: August 24, 2016, 02:58:00 PM »
Fungai
I am sorry to hear about relationships ruined due to P. I am sorry for you and the partners you lost. I am glad to see you are here and rebuilding yourself. I truly believe that no matter how far or where you are in life you can recover and that there is hope for a better tomorrow than yesterday. My husband is doing everything he can. I see the areas he is weak. I will admit that for some reason I lose respect for him in those moments and I am trying to be a better person. I should not see him in that light but rather see his effort. See him struggling and trying and love the effort. Its just hard when trust is broken. I am slowly realizing that in order for this to work I need the let go of my belief in fair. Nothing is fair about this situation. I didn't have this problem and lie but I am suffering for it. I need to be willing to realize he means more to me than fair and that I need to lay down my self righteous attitude to love him. Love, real love is bigger than one person. Its about putting yourself aside. I thing when we can start to see and demonstrate that we will all improve. P in not love, there is not room for love in P environments. There is not love in shame. If you can start treating people with love first and starting treating yourself with love then I do believe not only will you beat this P shit but you will find peace and be a truly happy person! You have my complete support! I am so happy to support anyone who wants more than this for their life because there is so much more to life than this!