Author Topic: NoFap Consciousness  (Read 51006 times)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #550 on: May 06, 2019, 11:00:28 AM »
So still no P. I've been really slipping from doing my routine every day, largely because I've introduced trying to control my smoking, which has had a knock on effect on my sanity. I still haven't done my meditation and maths for today, and it's gone 17:00. Suffered from some anxiety today. Meeting my weekly challenge is important to me. I just have to get on and do it. I will do it now. Thank you.

Loving_Mary

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #551 on: May 08, 2019, 05:06:05 PM »
So still no P. I've been really slipping from doing my routine every day, largely because I've introduced trying to control my smoking, which has had a knock on effect on my sanity. I still haven't done my meditation and maths for today, and it's gone 17:00. Suffered from some anxiety today. Meeting my weekly challenge is important to me. I just have to get on and do it. I will do it now. Thank you.

great, keep it up ;)
Peace :)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #552 on: May 20, 2019, 03:05:34 AM »
So I've been struggling to stop searching for P. I'm doing the best I've ever done, but it has been giving me a false sense of security. I've been struggling to make the final push. Part of me is waiting for the porn ban in the UK on July 15th, but I want to stop before then. I just hardly care any more. I'm not PMOing, and that gives me a feeling of success. I've given up any thoughts of ever having a girlfriend. It's like I'm not even trying to stop searching for P. I don't know what to do to kick start my abstinence. I just accept it. Without the rush of PMO and subsequent come down, I don't feel so bad. But I know it is still corrupting my sexuality. I've just got to stop. I've searched for P fourteen times in the last eight and a half months. That seems like a little relatively speaking, but it's not a very good average really, about once every eighteen days. I managed six and a half months total abstinence from September last year, my best ever. But now I've returned to searching regularly. It's terrible. I've come here looking for understanding, for moral support, but at the end of the day, only I can give up for myself. I'm starting sex therapy in just over a week's time. I'm worried that will dredge up all sorts of thoughts I've left behind. As I said, I'm not even thinking about having real sex or a girlfriend. I guess I've just got to start the counter again for the umpteenth time. At least I'm not PMOing. The final push to stop searching for P has to begin today. Feedback is welcome. Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #553 on: May 20, 2019, 07:30:16 PM »
Wow, sex therapy, that sounds great. I envy you a bit! Hopefully, it'll help you.

Regarding the porn ban: Can't you easily bypass it by connecting to a vpn/proxy? I mean, don't back the wrong horse...
Eight months clean and counting...

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #554 on: May 21, 2019, 09:21:18 AM »
I've become so nihilistic. I feel like nothing matters. I have given up thinking about real sex and having a girlfriend. I have been retreating into escapism and fantasy. I have been trying to better myself and don't see any tangible improvement, except giving me some structure for each day. The nihilism just says that life is the same whatever you do. All my thoughts of getting somewhere are just fantasy and escapism. They say the journey is the essence, not the destination, but so far nothing gives me the same highs and lows as giving up P and MO. If I had a real sex life, then that might be an alternative, but as I said, I've given up, I just don't see how it would be possible. I just don't care any more. The recognition that all my ambitions have been fantasy and escapism has led me to just not care any more. I don't know what to do, it's like I'd rather lead the life I know of constantly trying to give up P with all its highs and lows than lead a real productive life. Quitting for good means starting a new life doing something else. So far, I haven't managed to make that transition.

Quote from: Pete McVries
Wow, sex therapy, that sounds great. I envy you a bit! Hopefully, it'll help you.
Don't get the wrong end of the stick, Pete, it's just talking therapy with someone who specializes in talking about sexual issues.
Quote from: Pete McVries
Regarding the porn ban: Can't you easily bypass it by connecting to a vpn/proxy? I mean, don't back the wrong horse...
I think it will help me, if you can get round it, I don't want to know. Part of the problem for me is the ease at which I just have to type a few words and click, I don't think I'd go to the bother of circumnavigating a ban, I'm disciplined enough.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #555 on: May 21, 2019, 04:55:25 PM »
So I had a near miss with PMO today, I ended up edging. Since two months ago, when I relapsed for the first time in nine months, I have searched for P fifteen times. That's about once every four days. However, I hadn't searched for P for six and a half months prior to that. I'm worried I might be on a slow descent back to my old ways. I think I've underestimated how much better I'm feeling without PMO and how much better I was feeling without P as well. It has been easy to convince myself that P without PMO is not that bad, because there is not the same rush and then come down that comes from MOing on top of searching. The relapse happened after I was coming out of a bad couple of months of psychosis. This has been a pattern in the past. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to give up P now. I'm trying to give up smoking, slowly by managing it, and that has been sapping all my energy for discipline. Plus I've been trying to do voluntary study every day, which has had a similar effect. Succeeding at these things has been giving me positive feelings that have allowed me to slip into not feeling so bad about not abstaining from P. Most days I am succeeding at the tasks I have set myself, except abstaining from P, and I have been finding it hard to right myself. They say that it is easiest to only change one thing at a time, and that way you are more likely to succeed. I am trying to change multiple things, thus dispersing my focus. The tasks for each day, including managing smoking, require focus for only a few minutes at a time, whereas abstaining from P requires focus for the entire day. I don't want to stop my tasks. The progress I am making is making me happy. But I don't want to still be searching for P either. I really don't know what the solution is. So far I have hardly been able to discipline myself at all with regards to P these last two months. I can only try again. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #556 on: May 22, 2019, 05:16:10 AM »
So today is day one of not searching for P. I don't know what to write. I've abstained so many times before, the best being six and a half months, only recently. I am hoping this time it will be for good. At the end of the day there is still everything else to deal with. I have spent so much time fantasizing about my life. Completing small tasks each day gives me satisfaction, but it is still an effort to actually do them. Staying sane is a priority. As I said, I don't really know what to write. Just want to publicly state my commitment once again to abstaining from searching from P. Thank you.

OrangeSpider

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #557 on: May 22, 2019, 09:13:49 AM »
As we have heard many times, this statement you said right here: "Just want to publicly state my commitment once again to abstaining from searching from P.", thats the first step of a 10k mile journey.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #558 on: May 22, 2019, 11:18:57 AM »
Quote from: OrangeSpider
As we have heard many times, this statement you said right here: "Just want to publicly state my commitment once again to abstaining from searching from P.", thats the first step of a 10k mile journey.
Not sure if you're being sarcastic, OrangeSpider, but I'll take it in good faith, so thank you for your comment.

I know I've been posting for a long time, I've been trying to give up for even longer, so I hope my journal doesn't dishearten anyone. I have suffered from paranoid schizophrenia on and off on top of my addiction, so my case is perhaps harder though I don't want to compare or judge anyone else. I'm sure it doesn't have to take so long to give up. However the fact remains that I've done better than I've ever done before since joining this forum, and that is a big plus. Without wanting to be complacent, I'm not PMOing anymore, so the next challenge is to give up searching for P, something that I did for six and a half months, my best ever, in the last year. I'm over half-way through the first day. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I haven't done all my tasks for today yet. Part of me is wondering whether I should put them on hold until I've got back into the mode of P abstinence. I'm probably just making excuses, but trying to manage multiple lifestyle changes at once is that much harder. The real killer is the smoking, which I am succeeding at managing, because changing that has really disrupted the way I feel. I think I will try and do the remaining tasks for the day. There are still a few hours left. Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #559 on: May 22, 2019, 11:37:26 AM »
When you are searching for P, are you simply doing a google search without acting out or are you watching videos/pictures eventually for a few minutes?
Eight months clean and counting...

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #560 on: May 22, 2019, 12:05:12 PM »
I have been doing a Google image search and on rare occasions briefly visiting the sites, usually the image search is enough. I don't really get aroused, don't get an erection or anything or even any real feeling down there. I don't know why I do it, I think it is a form of neuroticism or OCD as I'm not acting out in the sense of M.

OrangeSpider

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #561 on: May 23, 2019, 08:22:02 AM »
Quote
Not sure if you're being sarcastic, OrangeSpider, but I'll take it in good faith, so thank you for your comment.

By no means was this my intention, I really just wanted to encourage you with that quote that says that a long journey starts by giving the first step. Thats where both of us are. I also have failed uncountable times and here I am once again giving the first step, because we just cant give up, we don't have another option. Just wanted to cheer you up as you start over again; cheering you up is a way of cheering myself up at day 3.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #562 on: May 24, 2019, 03:25:57 AM »
Thank you OrangeSpider for your words of encouragement. Today is day three. Once again I don't really know what to write other than to restate my commitment to abstaining from P. I know I can do it. It's just the question of finality. I need to make the choice to abstain for good, like I've done with PMO. My therapy starts next week. Hopefully I can begin to explore how I can make the transition to healthy sexual relationships then. Knowing things in theory is not the same as actually putting things into practice. Will update in a couple of days time. Thank you.

malando

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #563 on: May 24, 2019, 05:20:25 AM »
Hi Georgos, I have a question for you: how badly do you actually desire the following?:
(a) a sexual interaction with a woman,
(b) a relationship with a woman,
(c) a family with a woman.

See if you can rank them out of a maximum of 10 points. I'd be interested to understand where your motivations are. Perhaps there are proverbial carts being placed before horses which is making the process less logical and more convoluted. As much as people like to mystify the process of finding "the one", there are logical steps that can be taken to direct one's life towards specific goals.

OrangeSpider

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #564 on: May 24, 2019, 08:30:04 AM »
Quote
Once again I don't really know what to write other than to restate my commitment to abstaining from P. I know I can do it.
I think that is gold right now. Thats where I am focusing and that is where I think you should focus as well as we start again the journey.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #565 on: May 25, 2019, 02:13:33 AM »
Thanks OrangeSpider, wishing you all the best as well.

Quote from: malando
Hi Georgos, I have a question for you: how badly do you actually desire the following?:
(a) a sexual interaction with a woman,
(b) a relationship with a woman,
(c) a family with a woman.

See if you can rank them out of a maximum of 10 points. I'd be interested to understand where your motivations are. Perhaps there are proverbial carts being placed before horses which is making the process less logical and more convoluted. As much as people like to mystify the process of finding "the one", there are logical steps that can be taken to direct one's life towards specific goals.

I think ranking a, b, and c would be around 5, 6, and 7 respectively. In the past it would have been the other way around, 10 for a, 9 for b and maybe 5 for c. Putting a number on things is a bit arbitrary, at present I'm quite ambivalent. I'm quite happy just plodding along with my small amount of study each day, keeping to myself and my immediate family. I don't feel ready for a relationship, I'm not really motivated by sex, and though I'd like a family, I don't think I am in any position to cope with the responsibility at the moment. I've basically given up. If I meet somebody and hit it off then all to the good, but I'm not actually looking. My main aim is to put my life in order, stay sane, and hopefully get out of being institutionalized. If I can do that then maybe the rest will follow. Anyway, today is day four. Progress continues. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #566 on: May 26, 2019, 04:18:06 AM »
So today is day five. Just wanted to mark the day and my continuing commitment to not searching for P. Thank you to everyone who takes time to comment here, it is much appreciated. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #567 on: May 28, 2019, 05:56:34 AM »
So today is day seven, still no P. My therapy starts tomorrow and I need to think about what I'm going to bring up. What do I want to achieve? I guess the major thing that I want to achieve is my complete mental block with being physically intimate with women, or rather with initiating physical intimacy. However I don't really know where to begin with this. I don't really want to talk about the fetish I developed with regards to online porn. I just want to leave that in the past to be forgotten. I don't really want to talk about identity politics which so dominated most of my life, and is related to the fetish. Again I just want to forget about this. Indeed I don't think it has been helpful to link analysis of how identity politics affected me to my inability to initiate physical intimacy, quite the opposite, doing that has just intensified the mental block. So I don't know where to begin at all with the therapy. I guess I'll just have to go along and see what comes up. Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #568 on: May 28, 2019, 07:08:28 AM »
Having had therapy several times in my life, I came to the conclusion that the most important thing is to be honest. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to tell "everything" and "every detail" but don't conceal topics if you feel uneasy about them.

Therapy is always a process and in my mind it is also very important that you and your therapist manage to establish a trustful connection. Therefore, I hope that it all works out for you and you manage to make some breakthroughs!
Eight months clean and counting...

OrangeSpider

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #569 on: May 28, 2019, 08:08:24 AM »
Congrats on day 7. I would say about therapy, dont worry about tomorrow. The questions will lead out of you what needs to come out.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #570 on: May 30, 2019, 06:06:39 AM »
Thank you Pete and OrangeSpider. Today is day nine, still no P Therapy went well, although it was just really an introduction exploring what the process would actually entail. Just want to restate my commitment to abstaining from P. Will update in another couple of days. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #571 on: June 01, 2019, 01:30:17 PM »
So today is day 11. My week's challenge starts tomorrow and I've got to take it day by day. Slowly I am giving up smoking. Need to make sure I do my meditation every day. I'll restate here my commitment to abstaining from P. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #572 on: June 03, 2019, 07:11:06 AM »
So today is day 13, still no P. I need to remind myself of how much better I feel without it and not take that feeling for granted. It gets a bit repetitive restating my commitment each time, I've found repeating statements can lead to complacency as they loose their initial meaning, but there's only so many ways I can say it. I am only on day 13 after all, I have done six and a half months before. Hopefully once I get up to July 15th when the porn ban kicks in, I will have left this nightmare behind for good. I don't think I'll try and get around it. In fact I don't even want to test it. With or without the porn ban, I'm going to abstain from searching for P. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #573 on: June 05, 2019, 01:57:54 AM »
So today is day 15 without P. I'm coming up to a year almost completely PMO free except for a couple of minor slips, eleven and a half months so far. This has been the best year ever with regards to abstinence. I've searched for P fifteen times in the past nine months, which is only an average of once every eighteen days. I think I might have even done better in the past over the course of a year, but not with regards to PMO. Twenty days seems like a long time when you start, but once you get there it doesn't seem like long at all, compared to a lifetime, and I'm only on day fifteen at the moment. I'm really convinced the porn ban will help me, I just hope it works. However, I don't even want to try and test it when it kicks in, and I want to have given up completely before then for my own dignity. I don't need P, all it does is bring me shame and insecurity and warp my sense of what real sexual relationships involve. I've been thinking a bit more recently about whether I want a real relationship at the moment. I don't really know what I want from life, in some ways I'm quite happy just passing the time on my own. However I think that is a good place to be. I've been sane for about two and a half months now. Last year I managed six months which is about my record. I'm trying to keep away from triggers and occupy myself with small tasks to give me satisfaction each day. Things are generally good at the moment, but as I said, it's only day fifteen. Will update in another couple of days. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #574 on: June 07, 2019, 12:53:37 AM »
So today is day 17. Nothing much to report, just want to mark the day clean. Thank you.