Author Topic: NoFap Consciousness  (Read 47763 times)

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #525 on: April 10, 2019, 07:52:39 AM »
So day four of reading my two books complete, read them just before 13:00, so still on target. I've been also reading up a little on the science of self-discipline. The first thing to note is that there are two parts of the brain that compete for rewards, the emotional part of the brain that competes for instant gratification, and the abstract reasoning part of the brain that competes for long term rewards. The balance in activity between these two parts of the brain emerges very young, if not from birth, however they can be retrained. I don't know what this information has to do with leading a life of love. However I thought it was interesting. Dopamine affects the emotional part of the brain, so there is a connection between PMO addiction, instant gratification and emotional response. I would have thought delaying instant gratification, such as by counting days free of PMO, one would develop the abstract reasoning part of one's brain. However this is not the main motivation for most, rather it is to develop correct, or better emotional responses to people. I'm still reading up on all of this. Reward is only one of the factors in self-discipline. I haven't got to the others yet. Thank you.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2019, 03:29:44 AM by Georgos »

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #526 on: April 11, 2019, 03:45:46 AM »
So day five of reading my two books complete, read them by 9:40am, well before 13:00, so all good. My date is tomorrow. Not really thinking about it. Have to tidy my room. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #527 on: April 12, 2019, 04:34:49 AM »
So day six of reading my two books complete, read them by 10:25am, well before 13:00, so all good. One more day to go. Next week I'm going to do a week of visualisation meditation from a CD every morning before 13:00. I think breaking up discipline into weeks, doing different things each week to keep me interested, is the way to go. Ideally I'd like to stay focussed on one thing for more than a week, but I've realised that subscribing to ideals as motivation only promotes change, promoting stability requires setting imperfect finite targets that are realisable. A lot of my study targets in the past have been based on the idea that I need to master something first before I can apply it, which is an ideal that only condemns. Practice is how one masters things, and that means going ahead and applying them as best you can within the real circumstances regardless of how perfect one can perform. One learns by doing. Anyway, next week, as I said, I'm going to do a week of visualisation meditation every morning. Tomorrow, assuming I read my two books, I will give myself a reward. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #528 on: April 13, 2019, 05:00:20 AM »
So I guess you guys all want to know how my date went. I've kind of concluded I'm not really attracted to her. I didn't kiss her or hold her hand. I did sort of want to, but several times throughout the date, I wanted to be somewhere else. We're still friends. It's ok, but I think I really need to start looking for someone else. I think much of my motivation to keep seeing her was simply based on the fact that she was the only lady I knew who was interested. Anyway, it is was it is.

I've completed my seven days of reading my two books, by 10:44am. I mangaged to do it everyday before 13:00 which is really good. Getting into the habit of doing things by a set time is something that I've wanted to achieve for a long time. So I will be giving myself a little reward today.

Tomorrow I'm going to start doing my visualisation meditation from a CD every day for a week. Again I'm going to try and get it done by 13:00. It kind of feels like I want to take a break of a day or so in which I schedule nothing. I don't know why. At the moment I'm scheduling such little amounts of time in which I have to do things, but it seems like the very act of scheduling, saying that I have to do something, disturbs my feeling of just going with the flow, in reality drifting. In other words it's not so much the doing things as the thought that I have to do something that bothers me. Anyway, I'm not going to take a break, just switch activities from reading to meditation, to mix it up a bit, and hopefully everything will go smoothly. Thank you.

malando

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #529 on: April 13, 2019, 01:44:24 PM »
Sorry to hear you aren't feeling it, Georgos. But now that you're sure, you have to let her go so she can find somebody who is into her.  It's the right thing to do. Hopefully the next girl you date will be more attractive to you and you will not spend so long in paralysis by analysis. I think you have learned some things from this experience so it wasn't a waste of time.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #530 on: April 14, 2019, 04:08:22 AM »
Thank you Malando. So I did my guided visualisation meditation from a CD this morning by 10:06am, before 13:00, so all good. Just have to make sure I do it every day for a week. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #531 on: April 15, 2019, 03:23:25 AM »
So I did day two of my guided visualisation meditation from a CD this morning by 9:20am, well before 13:00, so all good. Just have to make sure I do it every day for a week. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #532 on: April 16, 2019, 04:46:56 AM »
So I did day three of my guided visualisation meditation from a CD this morning by 10:42am, before 13:00, so all good. Bit later today as I got up later. Was a bit disturbed in the night and I think this might have affected my practice. I had more trouble visualising the colours that the meditation asks me to today and was more distracted. But that is what practice is for. Just have to make sure that I continue doing the meditation every day for the rest of the week. Once again I remind myself to choose a life without searching for P. Thank you.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 03:57:34 AM by Georgos »

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #533 on: April 17, 2019, 04:49:12 AM »
So I day four of my guided visualisation meditation from a CD complete. I did it this morning by 10:46am, before 13:00, so all good. Had an itch under my knee at the beginning which was a bit annoying. Visualised the colours better than yesterday, though still not as good as the first two days. Just have to make sure I do the meditation every day until the end of the week. Then I'll give myself a reward. I remind myself once again to choose a life without searching for P. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #534 on: April 18, 2019, 03:44:15 AM »
So day five of my guided visualisation meditation from a CD complete. I did it this morning by 9:36am, well before 13:00, so all good. Still struggling to visualise the colours, the rose white from my heart has kept coming out dark or blackish, don't know why that is. I'm not entirely sure about the significance of the colours, they are different from the standard colours used for the chakras in most forms of Yoga taught in the West, but this is the tradition that I am studying in, and I think the main thing is to just be able to visualise what they say for the time being, without trying to analyse the significance. Only two more days to go. Then I'll give myself a reward. Next week I'm going to try and do a couple of sessions of maths revision every day before 13:00 for a week. I remind myself once again to choose a life without searching for P. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #535 on: April 18, 2019, 06:33:25 PM »
So still no PMO. One can choose to live without it if one is honest with oneself. I have searched for P a couple of times after six and a half months of abstinence. Thus I know I can choose to live without searching for P as well. I don't know whether there is any real difference to calling it an addiction or a compulsion, but what I do know is that whenever I've opened up the old pathways it has been very hard not to fall back into the old behaviour. I'm making so much progress. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #536 on: April 18, 2019, 07:26:10 PM »
So I've been thinking about something I read which struck me as quite insightful, if you want to remove the air from a jug, fill it with water, it is much harder to remove the air first. This is one of the main reasons I am trying to build up constructive habits to replace the old pathways, to fill the jug so that the stale air of P leaves. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #537 on: April 19, 2019, 05:36:23 AM »
So forgiving yourself is not the same as self-justification. So long as you are at war with yourself you cannot win. Osho explains: "If my right hand and left hand start fighting, do you think any hand can win? I can manage sometimes to let the right hand feel good as the winner, and sometimes to change the situation and let the left hand feel it is the winner. But neither can be really the winner because they are both my hands." Forgiveness is like this, it is to cease to prolong the past, cease to accuse, accept what has been done, and in truth this is the only thing you can do if you don't want to perpetuate things, because the past cannot be changed, cannot be undone. By continuing to fight the past, you can only cause the past to manifest in the present again, only perpetuate the behaviour. It is a war you cannot win, because the past is fixed. This is why forgiving, ceasing to fight with yourself, ceasing to fight with the past, is the first step towards change. It is not self-justification which is perpetuating the past in the opposite sense, siding with the past. It is non-violence. Discipline is still required. Discipline to make choices and stick to them, accepting the past and choosing the new behaviour in the present, substituting one behaviour for another. Today is the sixth day of my week of meditation. It is 11:33. I got up quite a bit later today. I will do my meditation now and then there will be only one day left before the next week. At the end of the week I will give myself a reward. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #538 on: April 20, 2019, 06:46:29 AM »
So still no PMO. I've completed a week of doing my guided meditation from a CD every morning before 13:00. Today I will give myself a reward of a slice of cake.

Thinking about wanting to start a family. Realistically I only have a few years left to find the right woman.

I have been so messed up by PMO abuse with regards to what I'm looking for.

I think to make myself eligible I need to improve my sitituation a lot.

As of tomorrow I'm going to do a week of not smoking until after I've had my morning coffee in the cafe every day and also two fifteen minute sessions of maths revision.

I'm going to take a break from guided meditation for a week.

I will stop smoking this year.

I have found it hard in the past to resist smoking first thing in the morning so this will be a real challenge.

I can do it, I've done it before.

It will only be for a week.

Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #539 on: April 20, 2019, 08:44:52 AM »
How many cigs do you smoke per day? I've smoked several times in my life and everytime I really put my mind to stopping smoking, I found it incredibly easy. I had few rough days but then it was really ok with little to no cravings. But people are different individuals, so it might be different for you. Anyways, best of luck, it can be done!

About starting a family, you're a man so you have quite a few years left ;). But maybe start dating or looking for dates more actively? Perhaps that would be a good first step.

Good luck!
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Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #540 on: April 20, 2019, 03:34:57 PM »
Thank you Pete for your kind words. I've PMOd once in the last ten months and not since this time last month, so progress continues. Last year I managed to stay sane, without psychotic relapse, for six months which is about my record. Now I want to stay sane for at least a year. One of the things that keeps me sane is to stop believing the fantasy narrative of my life that I used to tell myself. I need to keep doing this.

I will give up smoking this year. I took up smoking initially as a result of anxiety caused by PMO. I don't know the biochemistry of smoking. I need to look it up. Chain smoking, as I have done for the past twenty years or so will have to come to an end.

Maths continues to entertain me and provide me with insights into the world. I have to give up unreasonable expectations about it though. There is a quote from Jiddu Krishnamurti: "Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem". I still need to take this on board.

I'm looking forward to another successful week after which I will give myself another reward of a slice of cake.

Thank you.






Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #541 on: April 21, 2019, 06:29:32 AM »
So day one of not smoking before my morning coffee complete and also completed my two sessions of maths revision by 12:03pm, before 13:00, so all good. Taking it a week at a time, need to keep up the progress. Thank you.

malando

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #542 on: April 21, 2019, 12:29:14 PM »
Pete is right - don't obsess about your age, just get on with trying to find a decent partner. That's the main hurdle you have to jump - finding a woman who wants kids and is happy to have them with you. I didn't become a father until I turned 42. I honestly don't think it would have made any difference if I were 46. I get what you're saying, you don't want to be 50 and starting out, but you do have time. When you find the right woman, things tend to fall into place.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #543 on: April 26, 2019, 02:59:22 AM »
So still no PMO. Have searched for P six times in the last month though. No M or O. I need to knock this on the head. I know I can do it. Six months without searching for P shows that I can put it out of my mind. There are issues with how I relate to the world that I need to work through and not give up and return to my old behaviour. It has been far easier to return to me old behaviour than to face the challenge of relating well in reality. Sexual interactions are of course one of the main types of relating that I have found difficult, but it goes deeper than this to the core of how we relate on a human level. It has been far easier to return to relating with computer images than relating with real women. It is cowardly. I simply have doubted my ability to bring joy to women and others in general. I have seen no way to do it without suffering myself. You don't have to bring joy to an image. You don't have to work at a relationship with an image. You don't have to provide for an image. I will not take the easy way out. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #544 on: April 26, 2019, 11:50:21 AM »
So I've taken the step of contacting a sex therapist. I don't know if it will help. I need a safe space to explore and move beyond my on screen fetish. The fact that I only fetishize it on screen, and don't find it arousing off screen is part of the problem, not that I want to find it arousing off screen, I don't, but it means that my arousal is still linked at a fundamental level to images on a computer. My fetish is linked to my identity issues which in turn are linked to my psychosis. Thus, although I have not felt aroused when searching for P recently, at least not in my genital area, I have been still drawn to seek it out because, I think, the underlying issues have not gone away. In a way, porn itself is a fetish. The definition of a fetish is "a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc". I don't know if you can fetishize behaviour, if behaviour is an object, a thing, but that is also something I need to explore. Just what do I desire and what is a healthy desire? Hopefully the sex therapist will be able to help. Thank you.

Pete McVries

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #545 on: April 27, 2019, 12:04:53 AM »
Hey Georgos,

I just want to let you know that I have/had a troubling fetish (for me personally) too. It's not extreme and very normal in porn. But my whole P-sexuality resolved around it for years and it was the only thing I was watching. I thought, it would be a big problem. But since I've gotten intimate with the woman I'm dating at the moment, thoughts of the fetish haven't crossed my mind at all. Not for a single second. It's quite astounding. I don't know what fetish you have but it may not be that much of a problem if you get intimate with a woman. M and being intimate with a woman is very different. That's what I was learning the past few days. Some food for thought right there.

Take care!
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Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #546 on: April 27, 2019, 04:33:08 AM »
Thanks Pete, I don't have an extreme fetish, it troubles me personally though. I'm hoping the sex therapist will help me to work through my problems and help me to achieve real sexual relations.

So I've sort of completed my seven day challenge this week. I didn't smoke before my morning coffee for four out of the seven days and managed to do my two maths sessions everyday before 13:00 for four of the seven days as well, doing the two maths sessions but finishing later, on the remaining three days, so actually did two maths sessions every day for a week in total.

I promised mysef half-way through the week, after it became aparent that I wasn't going to abstain from smoking every day before my morning coffee, that if I just managed to do that for a majority of days of the week then i would still give myself a reward, which I have managed just. Four out of seven is a majority.

I haven't been eating so well, so have been feeling a bit tired and have felt some resistance to the coming week.

The first thing that I need to do is make sure I don't search for P. I'm going to do my guided meditation from a CD every day again, not smoke before my morning coffee, and maybe do one session of maths revision every day for the week, after which I'll give myself a reward.

As I said, the first thing I need to do is make sure that I don't search for P. Once I've racked up a few weeks of that, I should be home and dry again. Even just not PMOing makes a huge difference, but I need to break the pull of P on itse own as well. I'm hoping the sex therapist will help with that.

Thank you.



Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #547 on: April 28, 2019, 02:17:09 PM »
So no P today. Just need to make sure I get through the week without it. Day one of my guided meditation and one session of maths revision complete before 13:00. Feeling good. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #548 on: May 04, 2019, 01:52:02 PM »
So over a week without P, still no PMO. I did four out of seven days not smoking before my morning coffee, five out of seven days guided meditation and five out of seven days maths revision. I still gave myself a reward for managing the majority of the days. To be honest, my mental health has taken a turn for the worse these last few days. Still no real psychotic relapse, but I have been shaken by strange thoughts and dreams. I need to pull myself together for the coming week. Will update tomorrow morning with my plan for the week to come. Thank you.

Georgos

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Re: NoFap Consciousness
« Reply #549 on: May 05, 2019, 03:33:36 AM »
So sanity is my top priority and that goes hand in hand with not searching for P. I've only searched for P six times in the last eight months and not for over a week now. I'm trying to take things a week at a time, so no P for another week. I didn't manage a full week of the activities I had planned for last week, so this week I'm going to try again with the same plan. Hopefully I'll do better this week. Thank you.