Author Topic: Project Zero  (Read 197 times)

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Project Zero
« on: May 08, 2019, 09:07:20 AM »
Hi all,

I'm here to get some accountability and chat with others looking to purify their hearts, minds, and bodies by abstaining from porn and masturbation.

About me:
I first looked at porn around maybe 12 years old, when I found my father's porn mag. Around 14 is when I started beating it regularly. Interestingly, I was never able to get a girlfriend in high school, though I did mess around with some girls, except for the first year. I didn't use porn much until around senior year, when I got regular access to a computer and alone time to use it. Things got worse from there.

After moving out, I bought a computer and began regular porn use. I ended up being introduced to extreme porn from a magazine from a friend. I won't go into details, but it was sick stuff I still don't enjoy. However, it ended up making me realize there's some weird stuff out there. In college, I ended up escalating the extremity and watching all the most messed up stuff the rest of you probably have seen, though I'm proud to say I've never seen anything illegal. I was beating off in my room sometimes twice or more a day, didn't have many friends, and was incredibly awkward around people.

Eventually, I got married and a few years later, I learned about NoFap in 2013 I believe. That's when I started attempting it. My main problem is that even since then, my longest streak is only about 40 or so days, prior to my confirmation in the Catholic Church. I've hit a couple of 30ish day streaks, but in six years, I've only done that maybe 2-3 times. The rest of my streaks are around 5-12 days. It is incredibly difficult for me to keep it up (haha) for longer than two weeks.

On those extended streaks, I've been able to fight off the blue balls, literal pain, and extreme frustration, but I end up slipping up due to a complete lack of willpower. This is the mystery to me: how is it that I've been doing this so long and am committed to it, but cannot keep going for longer than a month? It's truly mystifying. So, I suppose a big part of this journal is to come to grips with my internal struggle and stop being so two-faced with myself.

My primary goal with this journal is a limited one: initiate Project Zero, a 30 day NoFap challenge to myself with maintaining entries every single day until the challenge is done. With no exception. I will make note of the temptations, successes, (hopefully no) failures, and triggers. I may also post quotes and whatever.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope and pray through Christ that you are successful as well, and that through the Holy Spirit we are able to leave evil alone and live happy, peaceful, and holy lives.

On to Day 1:
Looked at messed up porn last night around 11:45 PM. Alone downstairs with phone while family slept upstairs. On the "sin couch" LOL. I felt my willpower was lax and didn't have any desire to struggle against the temptation of being alone with my phone. This is the usual place and time when it happens. Post-fap feelings: confusion at my giving in so easily, relaxation, slight discomfort. This morning: ashamed, uncomfortable, determined to end this, motivated, feeling physically "empty."

Action Plan:
Tonight I will keep the phone upstairs when/if I am alone.




MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Day 2
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2019, 09:17:51 AM »
Day 2:
Yesterday was a success. I ended up going to sleep early and avoided the most tempting time and situation of being alone downstairs. I feel a lot better this morning - increased energy, more hope, and looking forward to continuing Project Zero. I told my wife about my struggles, and she kind of shrugged them off, since I have told her many times in the past. She knows I have been wrangling with this issue for a long time, so it's no surprise I am working on it. I appreciate that about her. She is very understanding.

Yesterday afternoon I had a surge of energy, which is somewhat surprising considering I had fapped while looking at porn the night before. I can credit my recent diet. This week I cut out sweets, and I can tell it's having a positive effect. The piece of the puzzle missing in my fitness regimen has been diet. I have a problem with sweets for sure. I am looking to lose 10-20 pounds and keep it off, but it's difficult while eating so many cookies, etc., haha.

I also have a theory: On talking with my wife this morning, she told me she started her period yesterday. I've noticed that my desire to masturbate tends to increase when she is on her period, or right before she starts. No lie. I think the hormones have something to do with it. I'm going to keep looking out for this, but I have noticed this happen a few times.

I prayed for everyone on this forum last night, and I will continue to do so nightly. I believe God will be with us in our endeavors.

Action Plan for today:
- No phone when alone, or else I must atone
- Focus sexual energy into upper body and particularly biceps (working on one arm chinup negatives)

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 07:59:56 AM »
Day 3:
A good day yesterday. Quite a bit more temptation than Day 2 and the urge was higher. I think this was due to the fact that (1) I lifted weights and (2) it was incredibly humid and was going to rain. Maybe I sound crazy, but when it is humid, it really produces in me a more "throbbing" feeling, if that makes sense. As though the body is pumping with blood more, and is less hard or stiff. When it is cold, my skin feels more hard and tight, and having my awareness on that tightness is associated with fewer and smaller urges.

Lifting/working out always produces that boost of testosterone, I suppose, so I find not only is there a sense of elation, but also an increase in that sense of full-body throbbing. I would imagine this is also due to the inflammation of the muscles and joints, etc. etc.

So, long story short, the urges were more pronounced, but by no means at the level of Days 15 and higher. The sleep situation was perfect, and at no point was I alone downstairs with the phone, which made it easy to avoid looking at porn on it. My energy level this morning is higher, and feels pretty clean and good.

Action Plan:
- Continued avoidance of phone when alone downstairs
- Limit sweets
- Mobility work and some rest before workout day tomorrow

By the way I found this interesting website if any of you are interested: https://selfdefinition.org/celibacy/quotes/contents.htm

It's got a lot of interesting pieces of works by authors on maintaining celibacy. While I am working on my chastity rather than celibacy, it's great to read anyhow.


MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2019, 10:23:37 AM »
Day 4:
Yesterday was a bit harder with increased urges, but was successful. The key to success was again not sleeping or hanging out downstairs alone with my phone. Still going strong. Today I'm starting to feel the tension more and had some of the gut fullness, which is always an encouraging sign. I'm not sure what it is or was, but was very "nervy" this morning. More grounded as the day continues, but I was shaky and a bit off this morning.

I also started feeling a slight bit of the lightness of mood that comes with consistent exercise and NoFap. It's not necessarily that I'm happy per se, or laughing, but more of a general sense of lightness accompanied by clear air surrounding me. I don't know, just describing it.

Anyway, I guess people read this but don't comment. If you are reading, thanks. It'll probably continue to be in this format.

Action Plan:
Upstairs as soon as wife goes.
Avert eyes from sexy women on the street and at stores
Work

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2019, 09:20:07 AM »
Day 5:
Posting this one for Day 5 late. Went well, no relapse, no porn. Urges high. Luckily I was insanely tired since my son decided to wake up early so that helped.

Day 6:
This was yesterday. Also went well. Got the chance to test out my new discipline of keeping the phone upstairs when I am alone downstairs. It worked perfectly. There was literally no temptation to look at porn whatsoever. I watched YouTube videos on my TV for a while, and then ended up going to sleep. I think I'm starting to get the pent up sexual energy, as in it has reached a level where I am slightly uncomfortable. Again, my son woke up early for probably the third day in a row, and then proceeded to throw temper tantrums all day, so my energy and nerves are shot. That generally tends to help with NoFap, since by the time I have a chance to lay down on the couch for the small amount of rest I get each day, I am already exhausted.
 
I am building back up to a decent streak now and am pretty happy to have a few days "under my belt," hah. It's not to the point where I feel insanely energetic, but I've noticed my nerves are very active. I've experienced that being associated with longer streaks.  Also caught myself looking at women almost uncontrollably throughout the day yesterday. I make an effort to avert my eyes for the sake of NoFap but also mental and spiritual purity.

Mood has been a lot better in somewhat subtle ways. Obviously things are still annoying me regularly (son's tantrums, chores, being tired, etc.), but I feel more optimistic in general and absolutely more attracted to women. Being attracted to women is a two-sided coin: it's bad because I am married, but it's also good because I need to have charisma for my job.  :o

The challenge I've had in the past is being way too attracted to women when on an extended streak, as in streaks of 2+ weeks. I feel almost deranged. I can't shake the constant attraction and desire for female attention. I get emotional. I am trying to adapt to the feelings, so that will be something to work on as I get higher in this streak. It's kind of hard to describe the feeling, but it's almost like a constant disappointment of getting no attention. I am disciplined in maintaining the health of my marriage, and have and will never cheat, but it's almost uncontrollable. Haha.

Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, so I won't worry about it.

Action Plan:
Divert attention from any ilicit thoughts, as they come up
No phone when alone at home downstairs
Bust some ass at work

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2019, 09:31:45 AM »
Day 7:
Bursting with energy this morning. Went to sleep super early and ended up sleeping relatively well. At one point I went downstairs to sleep on the couch, but didn't bring my phone, which definitely saved me. Total success. However, I am feeling very nervy this morning. Twitchy, jumpy, and impatient. Overall a fantastic mood though. Very happy to have avoided relapsing last night on the couch.

I thought to myself: Why was I able to avoid just grabbing my phone and going back downstairs? I think it has to do with being engaged in this project. I have done that before - gone downstairs without the phone, and going back up to grab it and go back down to look at porn. I am committed to this and these posts are accountable, so I think that helps a lot.

Last night was handstand pushups practice, and tonight is heavy weighted pullups, so hopefully I can filter the excess energy into hitting some heavy ones tonight. I tend to feel good but also that boost of testosterone or whatever after a heavy pullup day, so I'll need to be cognizant. For now, I'll just have to deal with the shakiness and excess energy at work.

Action Plan:
Phone upstairs when I am alone downstairs, as usual. This is a must.
Exhaust self with weighted pullups tonight
Try not to be too impatient at work

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 02:24:42 PM »
Day 8:
Feeling pretty awesome about the progress so far. Last night was the most challenging so far and today has been relatively tough. I feel a bit pent up; however, I have started experiencing the "superpowers" again - music sounds better, sharper vision, more confidence, etc. Voice seems subjectively deeper. I'm not even exaggerating. In fact, i was driving this morning and felt a boost of inspiration and energy listening to a song, which doesn't happen post-fapping.

Slept upstairs last night and had no opportunity or particular temptation to take the phone downstairs and look at porn. I need to keep up this practice, as this has been the key to making this work. Hit some good weighted pullups last night with a recent PR of 80 for 5 sets of 3. Going to keep working on moving towards one arm chin negatives.

I am a bit anxious about the upcoming next few days of being on the streak. Like I've posted before, when on an extended streak, I become almost too energetic and impatient. I am super productive, but I almost can't help myself cutting people off, or anticipating what they are going to say. I feel they are too slow. Also, I start feeling like others are very dull. Maybe I'm a self-obsessed jerk, but especially when I am on a longer streak, I feel like others are so boring. I try to bring up a lot of interesting things and engage, but don't get as much of a response as I'd like. I guess maybe I am too intense, the topics are uninteresting, or I expect too much. I honestly don't know. You know, same kind of deal with this forum. I guess it's my personality. NoFap tends to aggravate that insecurity.

However, I've realized that NoFap is my path, so I have been learning some strategies to adapt. If I do fap, I tend to be much more introverted and solitary; on No-Fap I feel like I get insanely focused on interacting with others. Since I work mostly with women, it's difficult and awkward. Lots to discuss but I'll not go too far here.

Point being, I think I need to focus the energy into what I'm doing without expecting anything whatsoever from others, while simultaneously not being resentful. That's been the challenge.

Action Plan:
Focus on goals - filter that energy
Phone upstairs
Maintain gratitude and reject resentment

kenny

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2019, 04:40:40 PM »
Hey Hey.  Sounds like you are on a really good path man.
Your journals are interesting and although different that mine in so many ways, there are similarities of course.
I am on day 45 right now of no P and no MB.   I have chosen that if I can have it with an actual girl then I am ok with that.  Otherwise I have decided that I am not putting a number on this anymore though.  There is no CAP or finish line anymore.  It needs to become purely a way of being. 
So yes.. I am on day 45.  After close to 25 years of the same nasty habits, it's difficult to imagine that 60 or 90 days etc will really bring anyone back to right where they want to be. 
You want to change?  Become a new person?  Then I guess I wouldn't put a cap on it.  Just go without it in your life.  It's not worth it. 
And btw. I understand that you begin to feel faster and more alert. Of course I would be aware that you are judging people. If they seem slow or boring, it is still worth listening and learning from them.  Everyone knows somethings that you don't know.  And if for no other reason than for you to practice patience lol
You mentioned you go from introvert to all of a sudden firing on all cylinders. Well allow yourself to keep going and balance out.  Find that middle ground and become very aware and full of energy, but with a fantastic underlying control where you show patience and are able to really communicate and connect (and listen) to people.
Anyways, just some thoughts and ideas.
Keep going man. Everyone has it in them to become who they want to be. Just a matter of whether you can act GREATER than your habitual thoughts and emotions.  Eventually you will change your pattern if you stick to it long enough.
Cheers bro!



MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2019, 09:11:15 AM »
Hey bro,

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate your input a lot. I totally agree about needing to find patience. It seems like it would be a tremendous help in finding peace and serenity. I wonder if the only way to get patience is to practice it.

Nice job on getting 45 days! Have you noticed a huge difference in how you feel? I'm assuming you are not married. I agree that putting a cap on the number is not necessarily going to change you into a new person. My frustration has been hitting about a week or two and then giving in, so I thought a cap would be helpful for at least an initial goal - something to strive towards. But like you said, I don't see any reason to have it in my life at all. It's the habit that sticks around.

I'll look for your journal and post something there.

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2019, 09:22:29 AM »
Day 9:
Success last night. Not too much temptation, since I was blessed to have the lack of opportunity to look at porn downstairs, though at one point I remember thinking I could wait for my wife to go upstairs and then sneak the phone.  :o

Absolutely started feeling strong strong urges yesterday, which are somewhat on a different level than the shallow urges of the first few days. However, I've noticed that instead of focusing on the physical urges at the level in which they occur (if you know what I mean), I am getting substantially more gut fullness - that fire in the belly, if you will. I enjoy this time. At the same time, it makes it more difficult to focus at work.

I also feel more present this morning, which is probably a function of both abstaining from PMO and cutting out sweets the last couple weeks, though I did have an ice cream cone yesterday. I absolutely feel very present, and as if time is stretched out wide in front of me. There is a sense of "space," as if time is very vast and empty, but not in a lonely way. I've got a small rock in my gut.  Like I said before, just describing it.

Two more training days this week - lower body and one upper body volume day. I'll wake up early tomorrow morning for leg day, and then hit upper body on Saturday. Early wake days are good because they force me to go to bed early and conserve all energy so I can be up at 4:45 AM. I can't afford to PMO, since I am generally right on the edge of enough sleep to function as it is. My heart begins beating stronger, subjectively, the night before waking early, so that seems to be enough stimulation to forget about PMO, but I know to never let my guard down, haha.

Going to abstain from any more coffee today to keep anxiety lower. No sweets. Rest and mobility day.

Action Plan:
No caffeine to reduce anxiety and allow for restful sleep tonight
Absolutely no phone downstairs alone
Work hard at work
Light mobility and movement tonight


MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2019, 08:20:19 AM »
Day 10:
Good day again yesterday. I think I may have passed over a temptation hump (that's a pun). The primal physical urge to M is less than it was in the early days, which is great. This has been a pretty good streak so far, and I think keeping this accountability journal in mind has been incredibly helpful. I went to sleep early last night, which killed the chance of being tempted. Early leg day this morning. Like I mentioned before, early morning workouts are great for extinguishing temptation because my body and mind naturally adapt to the reality that I will be waking up super early and need to save my energy. While I can't get in as much volume in the morning, overall I think it's a huge benefit to wake up early and discipline myself. I also like that no one else is awake. Also, I don't think I've ever had the temptation to PMO at 4:45 AM with working out in mind, LOL. On the other hand, I absolutely have the temptation at night before going to sleep.

Had a somewhat pent up day at work yesterday, with increasing feelings of impatience, discomfort, and frustration. Look, I'll be candid here. I'm married and I am faithful to my wife, but the difficulty is working around attractive women. I absolutely get awkward around them on longer streaks. I've even gotten shaky involuntarily. It's insane and out of my control. Part of my ongoing challenge has been to maintain a professional demeanor and a pure spirit. It's gotten easier, but long NoFap streaks exacerbate awkwardness for sure. That's not to say that I am a person who makes them uncomfortable, but it's more of an internal struggle.  It's kind of hard to explain, but I'm sure a lot of you have experienced it.

I often wonder to what extent other people can detect your internal struggles. I've read posts about women attraction and people treating NoFappers better when they are on an extended streak, and I have genuinely experienced that. I noticed that people do treat me much better when I have abstained for a while. I seem to get more respect from others, as well as positive female attention. Again, I'm married, so it's not something I act on, but I find it interesting how involuntary it seems. I don't feel I am soliciting the attention in any particular way. I don't think I ask for it, but maybe it's in the body language or voice or something. I really don't know.

Whatever the case, it comes down to principle for me: God doesn't like masturbation and porn and it's not good for you, so I will continue to do the best I can. Whatever events occur, I have to maintain the discipline for the sake of my soul. The only option is to adapt as necessary and do what is right.

Despite the difficulty, it's also very interesting to watch events and my own reactions. I like to observe how things go and then make changes accordingly, tweak small behaviors, try distance vs. closeness, timing of interaction and so on. It's fun and enlightening.

There are a whole lot of other things I've been thinking about this morning, but for brevity, I'll stop it here.

Action Plan:
No sweets
Maintain frame and will, seek action from principles
Work hard
No phone downstairs when alone

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:52 PM »
Day 11:
No PMO yesterday, but I had the first bit of extreme temptation. All I could think about was my wife going upstairs at night so I could be alone with the phone downstairs. I truly felt weak and almost resigned to breaking this current streak. It helped that I started thinking of my response on this forum - "welp, what am I going to do if I relapse? I guess I'll delete my profile out of shame, or not post anymore." LOL Wow. It's incredible how that works. It also helped that (1) I've seen pretty all types of porn, so none of it is new or terribly exciting as it once was; and (2) I didn't want to throw away my positive feelings. I know that right after a relapse I feel shame and discomfort, especially when looking at some of the stuff I look at.  :'(

BUT, by the grace of God, I didn't relapse. I feel good about it today. On review of the days I tend to relapse, Friday is one of the most common ones, so it's not surprising I had so much temptation last night. I'm on a pretty good streak considering. the last couple months.

My son woke up early AGAIN, so as far as energy goes, I don't have a whole lot extra, but I was able to get in a good upper body volume workout today. I'm just going to keep onwards.

Action Plan:
As soon as alone downstairs at night, put phone upstairs. No exceptions.
Extra calf raises today
Drink extra water
Work

kenny

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2019, 03:11:32 PM »
Hey man. Read my most recent 5 or 6 posts to see where I am at.

Quick answer to your question though is YES. I have noticed a significant difference in how I feel.  I am human and am still learning and adjusting as I go through all of this, but I haven't touched P or MB'd in 47 days now.   And I understand where you are coming from.  Setting some goals at the beginning are great, it's just that eventually you of course want to get away from having any goal in terms of days, and just have it be a way of life really.
I feel better about myself. I feel more confidence. And I am gaining more clarity into the things that I want to change about myself. I have proven to myself that I have the ability to cut out bad habits if I really want to.

Anyways, I have recommended this book to a few people on here, but I would suggest you pick it up if you can.
BREAKING THE HABIT OF BEING YOURSELF - How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One - By Dr. Joe Dispenza.
It's a look into the science and chemistry behind thought patterns, emotion, habits and why you are the way you are... and then most importantly, HOW TO CHANGE into who you want to be.

Cheers dude

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #13 on: Today at 09:30:06 AM »
I'm glad to hear that you have noticed a positive difference. I will see if I can check that book out after I post here. I wasn't able to find your journal but I'll take a deeper look.

Thanks.

MaterDeiOraProNobis

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Re: Project Zero
« Reply #14 on: Today at 09:37:40 AM »
Welp, relapsed last night.  :-[  It wasn't too bad, but I'm still not happy about it. I was downstairs alone with my phone after my wife had gone to sleep, the situation with the most temptation. I decided to take one peek, and then it happened. Despite maintaining this journal and focusing on NoFap quite a bit, I don't feel too eaten up about it, since it was a decent streak of about 12 days or so, and I didn't watch porn for long, maybe 10 minutes.

Fortunately, I don't feel too depleted, since it had been a while and I changed my focus right after it happened. I think the triggers were: (1) being alone with the phone on the couch, as usual; (2) being extremely tired all day from sleeping very badly the night before; (3) having to deal with some extremely emotional history due to a rare visit from a family member; and (4) allowing myself to sit in the position of temptation without taking any active measures to prevent relapse.

I am hopeful and still feel relatively good. So today I'll continue marching on. The phone issue is absolutely my main problem though. I don't have access to porn really any other way when I am alone, so if the phone issue is solved, it will be a huge help. I'd go more into possible solutions, but I'm pretty tired and other things demand my attention right now.

Back to...

Day 1:
« Last Edit: Today at 10:54:30 AM by MaterDeiOraProNobis »