Author Topic: new PA partner here.....  (Read 421 times)

PurpleDaze

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new PA partner here.....
« on: May 13, 2019, 11:24:33 AM »

Hi,
I found this forum and have been perusing it for a couple of months, since confronting husband about my suspicions and he confessed. Would appreciate comments from any PAs or partners of PAs. We have been married for decades and have grown children off on their own. I had a nagging suspicion that something was different, without having any idea it would be this issue! Turns out he has been PMO with tv, phone, and computer images/videos. I would say it had escalated to where it was noticeable in the bedroom. There was never a lack of desire on his part, which is sort of baffling to me. But there had recently been some occasions where he "couldn't finish" which was new in our encounters. Never an ED issue, but a few not reaching orgasm issues. I also felt an emotional disconnect from him, sometimes feeling like roommates going through the motion, with sex benefits a few times a month. We love each other but I had a nagging concern---first that I wasn't satisfying to him anymore, quickly followed by thoughts of he's trying too hard, let's just enjoy the process (the journey rather than being concerned about the destination). I knew he was attracted to me, just thought maybe he was tired or we are getting older, etc. Little did either of us know that his PA was the culprit. When I stumbled on some erotic film in his Netflix account, it led to a confrontation and his full confession about other ways that I hadn't even thought to check (his computer and phone, etc). He's been PMO probably for ten years, gradually increasing in frequency and intensity,from what he's told me. It may have started with Sports Illustrated swim issue. When we had our discussion points two months ago, he quickly cancelled his auto renewal for SI and told me to toss it when it arrives. (guess what arrived yesterday.....I told him it had arrived and I took care of it. He said he was just curious and thought we could look at it together) Nope, that wasn't the agreement when he came "clean" two months ago, so it is gone. He seemed okay with that, but wanting to negotiate from his original condition of having me throw it out when it arrived. Anyway, he immediately deleted his separate Netflix account when he came clean and we both just use mine now. He told me that all the time he was doing this he knew it was wrong but thought as long as I didn't know it woudn't hurt me. He said he was very careful to cover his tracks (erase browsing history, etc, but I am slightly more techie than he is, not by much though. We both agreed now that even though I didn't know for the longest time, it was hurting our relationship without us realizing it. Since it has been discovered and confessed, he has agreed to not erase his history and he has moved his computer to a more public area (of his own accord). We took a short break from physical intimacy, but have resumed and both agree it is more passionate than it has been in a long time. I avoid known triggers of what he gravitated to on porn (not sure when/if that will return), and he seems to be fine/understand that. I am trying to build back trust, but feel like I always have to ask the right question. "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". He tells me that seeing how much it has hurt me is a deterrent enough for him not to go back there, but his suggestion that we look at the SI together yesterday makes me doubt. I check his phone and computer every couple days, and he knows that. I don't want to be his parent, I want to be his wife. Not sure when we will be able to move beyond this and get back to our "normal' relationship. It hurts so deeply that he sought out "other stimuli" in addition to me!   I cried for days and perused some of the sites that he had gone to, trying to understand,  I just couldn't believe this was the same man I've been married to for decades. Will I be enough for him again? I am not beating myself up over this, I know I didn't cause it and that it is his issue. He never stopped being attracted to me. The one thing I dwell on is, why didn't I figure it out sooner before it was so ingrained in him? He is a very honest and trustworthy type person, so this is very out of character for him. He went deep underground with it, and learned how to "cover his tracks". We have told no one else, and anyone who knows him would be shocked to believe he could do this. I would be curious to hear any responses from any of you on our journey thus far. I know some of the guys read this site as well, and for you I just want to say--if you think your wife/gf/significant other doesn't know and isn't being hurt by not knowing, you might consider my experience. I didn't "know", but I sensed a difference. And I much prefer honesty over deceit, as I am sure is the case for most people. And I desire relationship, not being objectified. So, we are two months into recovery, with one setback about a month ago. We were at the start of a planned vacation and I discovered him masturbating in the shower. He said he never intended to "finish", but was checking to be sure he could get an erection, in anticipation of our likely vacation sex. I called BS on that because ED has NEVER been an issue for us EVER, so why would it suddenly be an issue now? We stepped back from that and started over, with the understanding physical intimacy should be off the table for awhile. We spent our vacation week getting the non-sexual part of our relationship back, and the passion grew to a natural desire for physical intimacy and that was wonderful. I felt desired as his wife and best friend, not just an object for his sexual gratification. I'd be curious to hear from the guys on the Sports Illustrated issue we had yesterday. Was he slipping back into temptation after asking me two months ago to destroy it when it arrived in the mail, but thinking it would be okay to suggest we look at it together? And that swimsuit issue is of course nothing as explicit as what he'd been seeing/doing. I hope we are on the right road to recovery. Our relationship is worth it, but oh how it hurts! Comments, discussion welcome.



aquarius25

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2019, 12:57:29 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this but I am very glad you reached out! Yes, it does hurt very much! The hurt doesn't go away overnight either. Over time with healing it does lessen though, that I can attest to. I feel like my husband and my relationship is forever changed. We can't go back but we can work to make tomorrow better. First thing is to work on you and feeling healthy and secure. His addiction is just that...his. He needs to work on that, he needs to communicate and the two of you can figure out what boundaries and communication you are comfortable with but now is time for you. I would really encourage you to figure out who you are and who you want to be. I know for myself I felt so hurt and like I wasn't enough. Well that is just a porn lie! You are enough, you are more than enough and his porn addicted brain doesn't get to determine your worth! It hurts so much but know you can get through this. Take it one breath at a time. Trust is built and that takes time as anything that is build overnight is not the quality you want in your relationship. It is ok to not trust him for a while. You can still love him and not like his behavior and not trust his words. I have learned in our relationship we had to define a new normal for us. There are parts that I love and are better than before and there are parts that are sad and will never be the same but at the end of the day I love him and we still choose to walk side by side together. It is not easy but know you are not alone.

I would encourage you to read some of the partners journals too. Feel free to comment and engage. Make a journal for yourself as well. I know it has helped me so much. If you ever want to reach out feel free to PM me as well. Again I am sorry you are hurting but I am glad you have found support. That is the first step!


Redfire03

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2019, 08:55:01 PM »
As a man who made these mistakes... to the T. I didnt know the damage I was doing. I thought it was normal to do these things.... I was warned multiple times about it and I still found my way back. Sadly my wife cheating and leaving is what it took for me not look back. That was a year ago this month and it's been over a year since I have pmo. Just doing hardmode. Best advice I can say is be open with him and let him know about this forum. Because his issue can get worse much worse.... I am 27 and since I was 19 I have had a terrible sex life with my wife idk how she put up with out terrible sex for 6 years. I relied on stimulation so much I would lose it the moment we stopped moving. He needs to realize that what he is doing is very damaging and that he could lose all function like I have. I hope you find away past it.... but I assure you I have been in his shoes... he never ever ever ment to hurt you or disappoint you..  this is something he is ashamed about.. comfort him but be firm about this issue.

PurpleDaze

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 07:01:41 PM »
Thanks for your responses, I'd welcome others' take on this as well.
Aquarius, where can I locate SO journals? Is there a central location for these, or are they just scattered somewhere on this forum? I know it would be helpful for me to read and validate myself more. Thanks in advance

aquarius25

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2019, 07:41:39 AM »
Most SO's post their journals in the woman's section of the journal area. Its at the very bottom, lol. There are a few woman who struggle porn addiction who post their journals there as well so they are all a bit mixed but for the most part that area has partner journals.

PurpleDaze

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Triggered and crying.....
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2019, 09:41:29 PM »
Here I am again, it's been 3 months since hubby's Dday. I believe he is staying away from P, but had some relapses recently with other areas that we agreed about. He told me about two of them right after they occurred (over the phone as I was out of town). I tried to be supportive and reassuring that he did the right thing by stopping, calling me, and confessing. I believe my being out of town is a definite trigger for him, but we knew we'd have to test the theory eventually. I have been back for a few days and in searching his phone (with his knowledge), I questioned a few of the phone calls. For two of them he had a quick, believable explanation, but for the third he hesitated, got defensive, and at first said he didn't even remember. I quoted him the date, time and length of the incoming call. He blew it off as no big deal, work related, etc. If that was the case, why did he hesitate and have amnesia at first? Just tell me the truth.  He is supposedly trying to build trust back and said he would answer any and every question to prove he is changed. (I always feel like I have to ask the right question, which is an issue in itself and he knows this). If I hadn't stumbled on his porn and erotica stuff 3 months ago, he had no plans to tell me. He thought, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". We all know that isn't true.....it was hurting us in the bedroom but I didn't know why.....So, because of his overreaction and amnesia concerning the stuff I found on his phone (he clears his history to save his phone battery, so there's that, too!), I have been crying and going into protection mode. He may have actually given up the porn and erotica, but he hasn't broken the habit of covering his tracks and secrecy. I have encouraged him to register here and get some insight anonymously, but so far he resists. I think he reads the forum a little, but isn't asking for help by telling his own story.....I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back in being able to build trust. He isn't being fully transparent. He has been ingrained for so long to keep this stuff undercover "so it won't hurt me", and I don't know how to help him break this habit. I don't even know if I want to help. I want/need to help myself heal, and he needs to work on himself and make me feel safe emotionally. He just wants to move forward and put this behind us, much easier said than done. I can't seem to get him to understand my needs in this recovery process. Things he sees as punishment, I see as my needing in order to begin trusting him again. This is so frustrating, I am angry and sad. I really hope he reads some of the partner stuff on here, maybe it will help him understand what I am experiencing and how I am reacting are a perfectly normal part of the process, of which he created. Thanks for listening. I would love any thoughts anyone has on the above.....so tired of crying and not trusting......

Redfire03

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2019, 06:24:48 PM »
I cant stress to you enough that you need him to join the forum. He needs to look at this and see this is an issue. I wished I had seen this forum year and years ago and I would have stopped. I never expected that over masturbation and stimulation could be soooooo damaging. As a man..... I encourage you to persuade him to join. Thing will only get worse if he doesnt take action asap... like I said I wish I had. Once it realised what I was doing was damaging my physical life when I joined the forum I stopped cold Turkey almost 500 days since Iast viewed porn thanks to the insight of this forum. Push and push hard. Because your marriage is at risk.

Gracie

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Re: new PA partner here.....
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2019, 12:58:47 PM »
I was a discoverer as well.  It really guts us when we find out this way.   I was devastated!  That is why I always tell men that if they want to change they need to be 100% honest with their partner.  I will tell you he has to want to change.  There should be boundries.  I set things up that I needed for me.  If you want to know more detail PM me.