Author Topic: Journal  (Read 2062 times)

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2019, 04:23:14 PM »
Day 14
I achieved my goal.
I think I kept busy. I did get an urge. But a sat and felt it. Then did some push ups. I think when I am engaged inife then PMO is not really tempting.
Next goal: just get through tonight. About 1 hour. 22 to 23.
Im gunna get off my phone, maybe watch something interesting. Read, journal and sleep. Those are some options.
peace
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #26 on: April 22, 2019, 04:26:32 AM »
Day 15
Yes I achieved my goal.  :)
I had quite a big urge. I was tempted. Sat on the couch on my phone. There was an opportunity. I managed to 'sit, stay, and feel' with the urge. Then I did some push ups. It helped.
My next goal is to get to 2pm with no PMO.
I am going to keep busy with exercise and other productive activities. If the urge comes I will do my best to manage it.
Overall, I think I am doing well. I remember when getting to 3 days or 4 days was a struggle. Now that is relatively easy! Now getting to a week is even feeling natural.
Best,
Bop


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #27 on: April 23, 2019, 09:11:12 PM »
Wow great job man! Those are some of the best moments, having the really strong urges and getting through them. Feels great after and really helps the recovery and setting up new brain patterns/ habits. Great to recognize the progress getting easier and easier to get longer and longer streaks...

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2019, 04:14:55 AM »
Day 20
Yes I achieved my goal. Has been going well. No PMO for almost 3 weeks. I've been focused and educating myself on how porn is dangerous.
Next goal is to get to 12pm today.
I'm struggling a bit with emotions today. Doing exercise may help. Getting out too.
Thanks
Bop

achilles heel

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Re: Journal
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2019, 02:24:36 PM »
Thanks for your kind words and congrats on your success!  :)

I'm struggling a bit with emotions today.

Prepare yourself for an emotional rollercoaster and don't listen to those negative voices that will appear in your head! You are on the right track and feel a lot more balanced emotionally as you move on. Good luck!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #30 on: April 29, 2019, 02:09:10 AM »
Day 22
Thanks Achilles for your comment. A lack of skill in managing what I see as difficult emotions often brought me towards PMO. So this is the skill I am learning. There's some techniques that are helping. Your words are reassuring.

I did achieve my goal. I was very anxious but managed to allow it to pass through. It feels really good to get past 3 weeks. I honestly could barely do 4 days two years a go.

Next goal is to get to 12pm. I'm gunna be aware of any urges, and practice a technique suggested Eckhart Tolle (3 mindful breaths, feel the energy for a few minutes, 3 mindful breaths) if emotions start running riot. Going to do my best to connect with the world too.

Best.
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #31 on: April 29, 2019, 12:19:14 PM »
DAY 23
Achieved my goal. Struggled a bit with uncertainty yesterday. But kept focused and busy.
Next goal is 10.30pm.
Im keeping busy and will stay off phone. I do feel tired and at times a bit triggered today.
Best
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2019, 12:59:55 PM »
Day 25 - MO relapse on day 24
I reached my last goal. But relapsed yesterday, though without porn. I have an understanding of the triggers. Disappointing but it happens. I'm not going to set my hopes high, just get my focus back and learn. One small goal at a time.
Next goal: get to 11pm
This will be tough as I am fatigued and anxious. Being triggered more easily. An early night and staying off devices should help.
All the best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #33 on: May 01, 2019, 06:25:43 PM »
Looks like you had some good progress! Bummer about the lapse, good thing there was no porn in involved! Glad you are getting right back to it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #34 on: May 01, 2019, 08:39:15 PM »
Sorry about the slip, but it also sounds like you're learning and getting stronger.

Negative emotions are a huge trigger for me. It's good that you've noticed that too and that you're working on your emotions.

Keep at it, man! Tomorrow is a new day!

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #35 on: May 02, 2019, 01:33:42 AM »
Day 26
Yes I reached my goal. I blocked my phone using an app. But before that I did come close to MO. I have a habit of reading disturbing news stories sometimes, this makes me very anxious and its easy to act out from there.

New goal is get to 12pm, then 6pm, then 11pm. One at a time. Going to keep off my phone and focus on
contributing at work and in my relationships with the people around me.

I am feeling a lot of shame and regret about my past at the moment. How can I redeem myself? I will explore this further. Does a period of my life define who I am? Or is it merely part of my experience as a human being, to make mistakes, to fail to live up to my values?

Best
Bop


LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #36 on: May 02, 2019, 01:34:25 AM »
Thank you for the comments as always!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #37 on: May 02, 2019, 09:01:20 PM »

I am feeling a lot of shame and regret about my past at the moment. How can I redeem myself? I will explore this further. Does a period of my life define who I am? Or is it merely part of my experience as a human being, to make mistakes, to fail to live up to my values?

Man, I feel you. For years and years I've had so much shame about my PMO habit and have thought that it was the "real" me. I thought that if anyone ever actually found out about it, they would be weirded out and stop liking me. I thought that I could never really have the things I really wanted, like a healthy relationship with a woman, because no woman would ever be interested in me if she found out about my PMO.

I still have a long way to go to get over this shame, but it's better now than it's been. I have told a few people in my life about my addiction, and they've always been supportive and helpful, and they've almost respected me more for wanting to change and for trusting them with this part of my life. Of course, if you do tell someone, you should be careful to tell the right person, someone you can trust.

But here's the point: PMO is not you. Whatever happened in the past is in the past. You can't change it, but you can learn from it and grow from it. PMO is a thing you've done in the past to deal with difficulty in life, but you are way more than one bad habit. Regret is good when it prevents you from messing up again, but it isn't helpful when it just makes you feel bad and prevents from you moving on.

I'm a religious person, and my addiction means that there's a very obvious way that I'm not living up to my beliefs and values. It makes me feel like a hypocrite a lot of the time. But one of my beliefs is that people can change and that where we're going is way more important than where we've been.

Sorry to write so much, but you can do this! We can leave this garbage behind and work towards a full and happy life. So keep going!

supernova123

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Re: Journal
« Reply #38 on: May 02, 2019, 11:18:08 PM »
Hey man, sorry about the lapse, but 25 days is very good.  And you did mention that you MO'd without porn which is much better than a PMO lapse.  This is just my opinion but I think everyone tackles the nofap challenge differently.  I just went 27 days PMO free and then MO'd without P and didn't feel nearly as regretful about it as I would have had I full on PMO'd.  For the next 24 hours I was way more productive as it got rid of the urges and I still had my long term goals in sight with full motivation.  However I discovered that I started having vivid dreams about PMO relapses much more frequently and with bigger urges.  So I think MO relapses aren't that bad for you (after all it is natural), but it runs the risk of you relapsing to porn far greater.  As long as you get rid of the artificial stimulation that your brain is used to in P, you're making progress

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #39 on: May 03, 2019, 05:18:03 PM »
Day 27
Reached my goals.
Next goal is just to get through tonight.
Thanks for the comments. It is uplifting. It is great to share and to learn.
A few urges today. Still feeling shame. Maybe that isn't a bad thing.
Best
Bop

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #40 on: May 04, 2019, 12:07:05 AM »
Keep it up man! Get through the night. You are making big progress, you were pmoing often. Now you just moed once in 25 plus days! Thats big progress and really helpful to your brain.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #41 on: May 04, 2019, 02:46:36 AM »
Day 28
Thanks for the comment Quit! Yeah I really hope I can keep this up. My brain needs love not hate.
I got through the night. Urges aren't as powerful recently.
Today I am busy so getting to 12pm then to 6pm and 11pm should be OK. Staying off devices will help.
best
Bop

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #42 on: May 05, 2019, 04:49:07 AM »
Day 29
Yes I reached my goals.
What helped was keeping busy, socialising, doing relaxation exercises, and managing an urge when it arose with breathing and focus.
Next goal is get to 11am then 5pm then 11pm. Will stay off devices. Apply techniques when necessary.
best
Bop

pichaelthompson

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Re: Journal
« Reply #43 on: May 05, 2019, 03:52:21 PM »
I like your quote "My brain needs love not hate." I think one of the most important things is to always love ourselves unconditionally, it helps keeps our goals clear and gives us a feeling that we can overcome everything we set out to do. Of course, this is easier said than done. Best of luck to you

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #44 on: May 06, 2019, 12:51:38 PM »
Day 30- PMO and MO relapse

Ok so I acted out, unfortunately.

 I know the triggers, to an extent. I've explored this and what I could have done differently.
Feeling gloomy. I feel hypocritical too. I watch all this stuff explaining the drawbacks of porn, I share this with others. Then I watch porn.

I feel ashamed that porn gives me pleasure, it also repulses me. Does it make me anxious and this more aroused?maybe but it doesn't really matter. What's the opposite of watching porn?

Anyway. Next goal is to get through the day. Stay off devices. Etc.

I feel low on energy. As I said, gloom. My perspective is coated in gloom. Why don't PornHub mention that this is a potential side effect of consuming their content?

pichaelthompson

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Re: Journal
« Reply #45 on: May 07, 2019, 08:40:00 PM »
It’s all good man, we’ve all experienced relapses in this community and we’re always going to support you, no matter what. Be happy with the progress you have made so far since you’ve started this journal (which was a courageous decision to start with) and try to use this relapse as a valuable learning experience. Whenever I relapse it always helps to remind myself that the day 0 is better than my last day 0, as progress has been made since then and there is always more opportunity for more progress.

I think the opposite of porn isn’t just not watching porn; I think it’s using your time to get the most out of life as you can. Porn hides us from the real world. To step out and face our fears and insecurities in the world head on is truly courageous, and will always be gratifying in the end even if the immediate results are almost always not what we hope for.

The point of PornHub is singular and tragic; cold, hard cash. If they warned people of the potential dangers, less people would visit their site and the industry as a whole will lose money. Their profit is maximized when as many individuals as possible are convinced that P is %100 harmless, when it does in fact harm tons of users, and even some pornstars. Keep your head up- you might feel gloom now, but there will be sunnier days ahead

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #46 on: May 13, 2019, 05:30:06 AM »
 Day 0
Ok so it's been a while since I posted. I managed 4 days or so off PMO. Then binged this weekend.

Thanks so much for your comment Pichael! I really needed that. Thank you.

Ok, so back on it. I'm gunna target getting to 13.00 then 17.00 and then 22.30. One goal at a time. Keep off my phone.

Not going to post a sob story. I slipped, business as usual. I just wonder if I can do things differently?

All the best

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Journal
« Reply #47 on: May 13, 2019, 08:09:54 AM »
Well like Pichael said, at least the day 0s are better than the first day zero, getting those few days in are helpful. Changing things up a bit does actually sound like it could be worth trying to me...

I have found writing, (privately usually) about all of the negatives of porn then writing about the benefits of stopping, really thinking about it and reflecting on it, PROACTIVELY (not during an urge but as a like practice for a few days) can help me get through urges. Or maybe add in meditation? The Smart book is good too.

Basically just add something extra to your recovery it may just be an extra 5% focus willpower or whatever to get through the urges that are coming, then from there as the streak gets longer the brain patterns will weaken.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Journal
« Reply #48 on: May 14, 2019, 06:20:35 PM »
Sorry to hear about the relapses, but like pichael and Quit have said, every time you start over is progress. The only thing that counts as failure is giving up.

I remember the earliest days of my recovery years ago when it was all I could do to get through a single day without pmo. Nowadays, it can be weeks without urges, but it's taken years of effort to get there. Definitely keep trying, but don't forget that this is a process that takes time and that it's not just something you can be done with at the flip of a switch.

In other words, it's okay to struggle, and it's awesome to struggle. Remember when we weren't even trying? Think of all the people who don't realize that porn is harming them and who just keep watching. At least you're trying to find a healthier life. Don't give up on it, and just focus on filling your life with things that build you and make you happier so that there isn't any room in your day for porn.

LeanAndBop

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Re: Journal
« Reply #49 on: May 15, 2019, 05:26:57 AM »
Day 0
Again... I've slipped hard.
Can't read comments atm but will do. Thank you. Going to try get back on it. Have slipped well into despair recently.
So no I did not reach my goals..
Next goal is 13.00... Honestly I feel deflated.
Best
Bop