Author Topic: Exodus  (Read 1948 times)

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #75 on: April 05, 2019, 12:38:58 AM »
I am on the 19th day at 20:07:34. I had a rough week but I have a couple hours vacation today so only have to work 6 hours today and 6 hours on Saturday. I am going to find an AA meeting to go to, going to church tomorrow afternoon for the first time in a long time, Celebrate Recovery Monday night. I had a good session with my therapist last night, my insurance company pays her $187 per hour to care about me. I plan on cleaning and oiling my shoes this weekend, will be the highlight of my week.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #76 on: April 05, 2019, 11:14:59 PM »
I am on the 20th day at 18:45:48. Almost 3 weeks now of no cam sites, no porn, not even risque YouTube videos. Still no real urge to look at porn. I found a cabinetmakers bench at a garage sale for an unbelievably low price. I can set it up in the garage and build stuff on it this summer with my hand tools. This gives me hope for the future.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #77 on: April 07, 2019, 12:15:02 AM »
I am on the 21st day at 19:36:27. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks without porn. I am doing my cooking this morning. I went through a suicidal period and came out the other side okay. I feel much better this morning and better able to handle my stress at work. I know that I have to go in for a terrible day at work tomorrow and I am okay with that. Right now I am not in a position to move so I have to take the job I have and live with it, i am okay with that. THis is a workbench I found at a garage sale this weekend, it makes me feel better.


workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #78 on: April 08, 2019, 04:01:23 AM »
Three weeks clean  8). Congratulations on that landmark, Moses.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #79 on: April 11, 2019, 04:42:33 AM »
I am on the 26th day at 00:07:35, just starting the day. I am going through severe depression. Porn and alcohol used to give me something to focus on, something to do in my spare time. I am working 10 hour days and Saturdays so it seems right now that I do nothing except work, eat, and sleep. Basically no point to life. I am too tired in the evenings to go out and socialize and I am socially inept anyway. I tried a local church group a few times and the men there outright disrespected me for some reason. I took a shower before hand and I am OCD about cleaning myself so I know I didn't stink. There is just something about me that people don't like. My supervisor doesn't like me, he expects twice as much work from me as he does from anyone else so by the end of the day I am tired and ready to just sleep. Last night I was too tired to eat.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #80 on: April 13, 2019, 01:31:37 AM »
I am on the 27th day at 21:01:54, almost 30 days now. Hard to believe it has been that long. I have felt good the past couple days. I have to work this morning 4 hours then do my grocery shopping and laundry, the rest of the weekend will be spent working on my lanterns and my workbench top. I am really looking forward to it.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #81 on: April 13, 2019, 10:53:46 AM »
Well done. Glad you're feeling better and looking forward to projects.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #82 on: April 14, 2019, 05:08:51 AM »
I am on the 29th day at 00:39:28. Tomorrow morning it will be 30 days without looking at any porn. The urge to look at porn is strong this morning, the DeltaFosB is receding now. I feel better, no depression. I am staying busy today, trimming my goatee, showering and shaving, cooking. meeting a friend to give him some stuff, lunch with another friend, and working on cleaning up a lantern. I have a couple cigars to smoke. That should keep me out of trouble.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #83 on: April 15, 2019, 03:04:57 AM »
In 2 hours I will be on day 30, Monday April 15, 2019. Sunday mornings are really tough for me but yesterday I stayed busy and avoided porn once again. I had a great day with friends yesterday, met a friend in the morning to give him some stuff, ate lunch with a couple friends and we talked for 2 hours, and I ate dinner with my brother and his wife.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #84 on: April 15, 2019, 10:19:56 AM »
Well done going 30 days

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #85 on: April 16, 2019, 02:32:00 AM »
I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and ws yelled at for reccomending the book "Your Brain On Porn". I am not allowed to recommend books. WHat is the point of all of us getting together if we are not allowed to help each other?

workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #86 on: April 16, 2019, 04:11:07 AM »
You don't have the best of luck, Moses, do you? I don't know CR well, but I see that it's Christ Centred and based on 12 Step process, which hints that it's not well disposed to science-based or analytical approaches to recovery. Big focus on our powerlessness, whereas YBOP is more focused on empowering. Some 12-step groups are pretty strict.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #87 on: April 16, 2019, 02:01:57 PM »
You don't have the best of luck, Moses, do you? I don't know CR well, but I see that it's Christ Centred and based on 12 Step process, which hints that it's not well disposed to science-based or analytical approaches to recovery. Big focus on our powerlessness, whereas YBOP is more focused on empowering. Some 12-step groups are pretty strict.

Yes, I see the wisdom in what you are saying. I was raised in a very religious atmosphere and am still very spiritual but I found that understanding why I feel what I feel when looking at porn was a huge step in overcoming the addiction. I think for myself combining the spiritual aspect of life with the science of how my brain works is the best way to overcome the addiction. I imagine everyone has to find their own path. I think I will go back next Monday night and talk it out with the leader. I felt disrespected in front of the group and I tend to just run away and isolate myself when that happens but when I do that it leads back to porn. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon, I will talk to her about it and see what she says.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #88 on: April 19, 2019, 03:11:38 AM »
I am on day 32 now, no porn. This will be a hard weekend for me, Easter weekend so all my friends and siblings will be spending time with their family and I have no family. I have a couple friends that I will call tomorrow but I will be spending the weekend alone. THe temptation to buy a bottle and binge on a cam site will be very strong. I will overcome that by doing things I enjoy. I am taking a couple hours vacation today so I can do all my chores today and then spend the weekend rebuilding a couple Coleman stoves and working on cleaning off my workbench top. I will do that with hand tools, a scraper plane and hand held scrapers. When I am done it will be better than new.

cranm329

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #89 on: April 19, 2019, 05:23:32 AM »
Hi Moses
Sounds good. You must be a craftsman. Hope that the work helps you thru weekend. Keep in touch on here if you feel triggered. We can stand together when we feel vulnerable. All the best.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 05:25:58 AM by cranm329 »

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #90 on: April 20, 2019, 12:25:14 AM »
33 days without porn now. I have no temptation to look at porn this morning. I am up early, 12:35 am, will probably take a couple naps today. I struggle with some psychosis, believing that I am the antichrist etc. and that is strong in my mind today but I will have a good day regardless. I am going to write a letter for my two daughters, same letter to both. I am not going into detail on my quit porn stuff, just a letter on how my life is going, cheerful and upbeat. I said I would stay in my pajamas all weekend but I may get dressed and go to church this afternoon. Not because it is Easter but because I would like to get out and socialize more, it would be good for me.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #91 on: April 21, 2019, 02:28:54 AM »
34 days without porn now. I am going to watch "Risen" this morning. I am cooking today. No urge to look at porn. In fact I feel as though I understand how ugly porn is and what it does to me.

Prodigal son

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #92 on: April 23, 2019, 08:12:17 AM »
Sorry you've had so many issues with you group, I myself, as you know am a Christian too.  I think they mean well at your group, but I think they are scared of risking something getting in to the group that might be detrimental, like that book we discussed earlier that advocated using porn responsibly(which is a BS).  I myself have learned during my struggle to escape PMO that there is both science and religion at play.  For example, you know about about DeltaFosB and that  its scientifically proven to reinforce habit, good or bad.  Well it is my belief and experience that Satan uses the knowledge he has of our PMO habit to lay temptation at our feet when we are at our weakest.  He is the enemy and if I were he I'd do the same things.  Acknowledging this though, that Satan uses a knowledge of Science and Biology to make us stumble in no way takes away from what the Bible teaches.  The way I see it, we as Christians have a responsibility to do certain things to keep from being tempted, if that means deploying scientific knowledge in collaboration with scripture, so much the better.  This doesn't take away from God, he invented science and biology.  I will say its detrimental to ever play the victim, we aren't and Adam wasn't.  We make our choices, we must own them.  For me pondering 1 Corinthians 10:13 says it all.

In the end I want to use every tool to win at my disposal and I doubt God has any issue with that.  He wants us free and clean.  I'm NOT advocating that we are capable of attaining salvation by works, only that there are things we must do in cooperation with what God has for us.  Its a war and He advocates and instructs us to suit up in His armor, which includes truth.  I think scientific truth is still truth.  Later, hope I havent confused you.
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MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #93 on: April 25, 2019, 09:52:36 PM »
39 days free from porn now.

I was taught in church that I sinned because I was a bad person that deserved to burn in hell for eternity. Think about that for a minute. Eternal torment. Eternal. Forever. Most people think they are going to heaven when they die but according to the Bible almost all of them are going to eternal torment. This is what I felt about myself, this is what the church teaches. I deserved eternal torment because I looked at porn occasionally. When I asked for help to overcome porn I was told to praise Jesus and the temptation would go away. I basically got zero help with it.

I finally got to the point where I really wanted to quit porn. I began researching quitting porn on the web and found this site and then people recommended YBOP book. That book made me see two things for the first time. One, for the first time I saw what porn was really doing to my life. It was explained in terms that I understood. For the first time I saw it for what it was. Two, for the first time I understood what porn did to my brain on a scientific level. I understood why I could never quit before. Understanding this has been invaluable in resisting the temptation; I know that if I resist I will be rewarded by more peace and happiness in my life and also the temptation will gradually become weaker.

I believe that God led me here and to the book "Your Brain on Porn". I believe these are tools He is using to make me a better person. If the guys at Celebrate Recovery won't accept that then I don't want to be with them.

Prodigal son

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #94 on: April 27, 2019, 09:05:34 PM »
39 days free from porn now.

I was taught in church that I sinned because I was a bad person that deserved to burn in hell for eternity. Think about that for a minute. Eternal torment. Eternal. Forever. Most people think they are going to heaven when they die but according to the Bible almost all of them are going to eternal torment. This is what I felt about myself, this is what the church teaches. I deserved eternal torment because I looked at porn occasionally. When I asked for help to overcome porn I was told to praise Jesus and the temptation would go away. I basically got zero help with it.

I finally got to the point where I really wanted to quit porn. I began researching quitting porn on the web and found this site and then people recommended YBOP book. That book made me see two things for the first time. One, for the first time I saw what porn was really doing to my life. It was explained in terms that I understood. For the first time I saw it for what it was. Two, for the first time I understood what porn did to my brain on a scientific level. I understood why I could never quit before. Understanding this has been invaluable in resisting the temptation; I know that if I resist I will be rewarded by more peace and happiness in my life and also the temptation will gradually become weaker.

I believe that God led me here and to the book "Your Brain on Porn". I believe these are tools He is using to make me a better person. If the guys at Celebrate Recovery won't accept that then I don't want to be with them.
I agree with everything you said.  Whenever I went back and asked for help and told them I'd had another stumble I was told if I was still giving into it I must NOT be saved...  For years I yo-yo'd between being ok and damned.  I got to a point I was so desperate I cried out to God that something had to give, that either show me the way out or I'm diving in deeper, but I needed some relief.  For me it didn't come quickly but gradually, I never was told of YBOP until I came to RN and by then I'd already pieced most of the knowledge together from numerous other sources.  The porn thing has ravaged most churches, most don't know what to do with it except to condemn it, which they should, but there is so much more to it.  Porn is ready accessible these days 24/7 and at your fingertips anywhere there is an internet connection, no longer do you have to go to the dirty side of town or some back alley, its waiting for you in your pocket if you have a smart phone.  Then add in the constant "sex sells" and the movies and the tv and the music and its near impossible to not be touched by some form of lustful content every single day.  I understand where they are coming from, but at present they seem ignorant of the facts.  I've never been to celebrate recovery, or any group for that matter, I live in a rural area.  Heck when I first started seriously looking to get out nobody was even talking about it, I was alone.

Today I'm light years from where I was even 3 months ago and I give all the praise and credit to God for my healing.  There was a reason I had to travel the long road I did, a lesson to be learned with an eternal impact.  Some people walk in to places like here on RN and on the first try they walk right back out, must be nice.  For me its been the better part of 14 years of struggle and failure, pain and frustration, feeling hopeless, lost and dare I say, "damned".  There were times I thought I'd gone so far that I must be unrecoverable, why else would so many find freedom and I remained in chains...  I've always struggled in school, with learning anything.  My father is a mathematical genius, high IQ runs in my family, he even graduated school 2 years early before going to college to become an electrical engineer.  I was frustrating and I'm sure disappointing to him scholastically and in other ways.  He tried to help with schooling, but he never was able to make the slightest improvement in my performance.  I graduated with a 2.0 average from school, went to the college he chose for me and enrolled in the major he picked for me.  Less than a year latter I flunked out and not allowed to return there for a time.  I never ended up getting a degree or certificate of any kind, but in my jobs I've always proven myself to be a good leader and end up in management every where I've worked. 

Sadly PMO was the nut I couldn't crack for a long time, but over the last year my life is changing in dramatic ways.  Suddenly I was having break thru's in my bible study, things that never made any sense or interested me are now crystal clear.  Faith, true faith has become ever so sweet to me and proven to be the key that opened the lock.  All I can say is, man can and will let you down, but Jesus never will.  Not sure why I shared all that and it may be aimless rambling, but I understand you frustration with some of those in church, but I think they are just scared and ill informed to deal with issue fully and completely.
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MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #95 on: April 28, 2019, 02:24:45 AM »
41 days clean today, almost half way to the 90 mark. I find that hard to believe. Thank you Prodigal son for your response, it means a lot to me and is very helpful. I feel pretty good today and am looking forward to a good day.

The urge to go back to my chat site is non-existent now pretty much. I saw some lanterns at a barn sale yesterday, a professional picker that knew what they were worth and it was nice to be able to pull out $80 and get them. They require cleaning and polishing so that is time I will spend having fun that is not spent watching porn. On the other hand I notice women in the grocery store more, there is more of an attraction there. I have some mental issues so I am not comfortable having an intimate relationship with a woman at this point but just maybe I will in the future.

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #96 on: May 03, 2019, 02:16:05 AM »
I am 46 days free from porn now, over half way to my 90 goal. It seems like a very short time ago I quit. I am no longer tempted to look at cam sites, that habit is broken. I can leave money in my bank account without fear of spending it on cam sites. There is a big Coleman gathering this weekend ( I collect and restore Coleman lanterns). I am taking most of my money out in cash this weekend and will be able to buy another lantern or something at the group meeting, really looking forward to it. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she helped me realize how quitting porn and alcohol was making me feel better when good things happen in my life; I feel them more and they are more evident.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #97 on: May 03, 2019, 06:45:02 AM »
Thanks for the update, Moses. You're an inspiration to me. I know you found it really hard at first, but you fought like hell to keep yourself clean and I hope you continue to see the benefits for a long time to come. Enjoy your weekend!

MosesY

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #98 on: May 11, 2019, 02:34:05 AM »
Thank you for the responses.

54 days clean now. I was messing around on YouTube a few times and found some pretty risque videos but I realize those are a gateway back into porn and I must avoid them. Cam girl sites are no longer any temptation to me. I save a lot of money by not drinking or spending on porn and it is very nice to be able to take out $100 and go to garage sales and flea markets looking for lanterns. Over the past two weeks I have gotten a bunch of them that need cleaning up and repair, enough to keep me busy all summer. Today I have my grocery shopping to do and the rest of the day will be spent working on a lantern and watching "Dexter" on Netflix.

Spirituality means a lot to me too and I spend some time listening to music and watching sermons from my local church.

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Re: Exodus
« Reply #99 on: May 11, 2019, 10:20:58 AM »
MosesY. Nice to know You are a Christian. I am also a Christian. We are called to be perfect like Our Heavenly Father by JESUS CHRIST. Right. But this is fallen worlds full of temptations and baits. So sometime Our eyes stumble. But We just push on. Thanks for the encouragement on my thread. I see you are doing fine of 54 days clean. Push further and further. Man.