Author Topic: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography  (Read 1369 times)

Skins23

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2019, 08:05:29 PM »
Great post and well done!  I had a date tonight so I drove to meet her but she kept pushing the time back since she was an hour away and had to pick up her car or something.  First we were planning to meet at 5:45 then 6:30 then 7:30 then 8:45.  I had purchased movie tic in advance and had to cancel one movie time followed by another.  I was there and had to kill time so I went to a Barnes and noble.  After she pushed it back to 8:45 I went from irritable to angry.  I told her I was pulling the plug and that this was ridiculous.  She was apologetic but I had had enough.  I drove home and blasted some GnR.  Man never knew how therapeutic that song could be!  I followed that by paradise City and a few others.  My intention was to allow myself to feel this anger.  Had a few porn flashes in there but home now and feeling good about my decision.  I was mistreated and I don’t deserve that. 

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2019, 08:20:25 PM »
Don’t call her again and find a better one. That sucks. Love GnR. A lot of self-empowerment happened through that music. (too bad drug addiction also was part of the deal for them. As it seems to be for a lot of us. Comes with the territory.)

cheers,

MosesY

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2019, 03:54:14 AM »
I always enjoy reading your journal.

I think the addiction to porn is more subtle than cigarettes or alcohol or drugs. The other things have immediate bad side effects. If you smoke you stink and you most likely get lung cancer. Everyone knows that. If you drink and drive you get financial ruin. Plus you get drunk and eventually pass out; everyone knows that too much alcohol is a very bad thing. Everyone knows how drugs ruin lives. The body's physical dependence on these things is well documented and lots of help is available to overcome dependencies on them. Another big thing; it is socially acceptable to talk about them.

Porn is a different thing. Not very many people talk about porn. The effect on the life of an addict is hardly noticeable to most people. THe effects are not widely known, and many people figure nobody will ever know about it. I think this is why it got such a strong hold on me and is so hard to quit.

My therapist was the one that explained to me how the prefrontal cortex disconnects when you indulge in any addiction, we talked about porn and alcohol. So thanks go to Lisa.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2019, 12:52:23 PM »
Lisa is helping all of us then... lol. I probably owe you some money for part of that session. :D

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #29 on: March 26, 2019, 11:51:47 AM »
Day 24
Looking Forward: A Change of Perspective


Today is first day of the rest of my life. My Hard Mode Reboot of 90-days only has 66 days left to reach that important goal. Crossing 30 days is huge for me because it will be the longest I have ever gone without an O, after that. I am thinking only of the future now and don’t want to look back to say that this is Day 24. That’s all in the past. A dirty, sick, wretched and perverted past that I would rather leave forever behind.

I like the sound of 66 Days Remaining in Phase 1 of Recovery better.

What’s Phase 2? Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 11:58:27 AM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

cranm329

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #30 on: March 26, 2019, 04:24:43 PM »
. 'A dirty, sick, wretched and perverted past that I would rather leave forever behind.'
The past does not define you nor do your actions. They are left behind. Forgive me for commenting. It's not a criticism as I am tempted to think the same about my past life. You have made immense progress and deserve commendation. I wish you all the best for whatever the next stage brings or means to you.

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #31 on: March 26, 2019, 06:46:55 PM »
Acceptance Without End

Being.
Simply being.
Just sitting present in the moment.
Breathing, in... and out.
Being completely open to experiencing
Fully, the feelings I’m experiencing right now.
Continually remaining present and ready
to accept whatever is naturally occuring in each moment.

Both the comfortable and extremely uncomfortable are accepted
Equally and experienced without resistance.
Opening myself up as wide as I can go,
Reaching outward with my heart as far as I can feel
to everything that is.

Without thought I listen
to everything in the world surrounding where I am.
The breeze, the rustle of the leaves, the singular tone of a distant bell.
Shadows creep across the deep green hills as birds are scratching in the eves.
A singular wave of sound, barely audible, glides across the empty space between.
A tone of all-pervading resonance abides. 

This barren, aching mind, singular, complete
In focused intent and yet spherically aware.
The 90-millicycle hum of the world going about its business
and a universal symmetry dances
across the shores within the sum of this vast and semi-conscious dream.
All complete in totality
Everything that I see, feel, hear and experience,
Embraced a thousand times without resistance.
Acceptance without end.
All as I sit alone in silence... listening


40
03-26-2019
« Last Edit: March 26, 2019, 06:52:02 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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A New Life
« Reply #32 on: April 01, 2019, 02:04:38 PM »
I have reached the length of my all-time record today. 30-days. Last time I held out this long, was about 20 years ago. It was excruciating and I had private counselling going on and a break up, working 40 hours a week and taking 15 college credits...

Now it seems like I’m not even doing anything. Just sitting here feeling perfectly fine. I feel very balanced.

760 days No Alcohol
23 days No Sugar
and:
30 days No PMO


And I feel like a normal person.

I started the Plant Paradox diet about 1 week after I started no PMO. I did Phase 1 cleanse for 6 days instead of 3 days. By the end of the cleanse, all my sugar cravings melted away and my PMO urges and anxiety greatly reduced to a very managable level. Today, I am tying my all-time white knuckle record and I feel completly calm and in control.

I am convinced our gut microbiome is the most important thing we can focus on and get right, if we want to help the body right itself. Focusing on learning and living by the Plant Paradox diet, to the letter, has been both, 1) a nice distraction from PMO and 2) a root cause rebalancing of my body’s chemistry issues. All my strong urges of all kinds are highly managable now.

My sugar cravings were gut-wrenching only a couple weeks ago. I felt like I would die if I didn’t have something. Now I never have any sugar cravings at all. PMO urges, when they do happen, are very manageable, not so intense. I have morning wood, increased sensitivity again, but now I don’t want to masturbate, so I don’t. I know better now.

My whole body is more healthy and in balance with itself now. Fwiw, I hardly use any toilet paper now, very little is needed. My gut is working rightly again. I’m eating right. To the degree that I’m still toxic with bad thoughts and imbalances in my system, I have the tools and the understanding now to get through it and stay on track.

I want to repair and maintain my gut because I was literally at the edge of esophugus cancer from GERD. Food was sticking every day in my esophagus. It was awful. That last time it happened was so bad I thought I was going to choke out. So I changed my diet forever on that day.

The world is full of toxic shit sold as if it were awesome and good for you. I listen to Dr. Gundry, Dr. Perlmutter, Dr. Lustig and Dr. Mercola for my breakthrough information on diet and health, as well as Gary Wilson, on addictive issues. The rest of the world seems to be behind the curve on these areas of science.
 
So glad I found the ways that work for me and the teachers who are in the state of the art. But, I still have to be the one who stays on track. I have to eat right and think right. No one else is going to do that for me. In fact, if you listen to what the food industry tells you, or the FDA, or listen to half the guys on this forum who relapse every other week, you’ll think it’s no big deal and not take it all with deadly seriousness.

I was fortunate to have an excellent mentor when I trained for my concealed carry permit and continued lethal force training. Marty Hayes of Firearms Academy of Seattle taught his students safety but, by example, he taught a lot more. He taught inner strength and character as well as human decency. He showed everyone an example of what being a strong male role model should look like, in practice. His little comments and corrections were often his greatest wisdom for life.

When asked what we should say, if someone in public should see our concealed weapon by accident, his answers were very strong and very direct. “You keep it concealed, and under no circumstance should anyone, under any circumstance, know you have it on your person or where you have it.”

I asked if you could just let the startled person know you were licensed to carry?

His face was absolutely clear, “DON’T... LET IT... HAPPEN.”

For him, it was final. There was no secondary option. This was tantamount to an accidental discharge. He trained us how to never let it happen. That means, never let it happen. It’s a matter of lethal force. He would always yell to us on the range before drawing our weapons, ”PAY ATTENTION. BRAIN CELLS FRONT AND CENTER!”

He was, in other words, saying what Gary Wilson teaches, to think with the prefrontal cortext. Our lives depend on it.

I relate to this when I think of PMO. I recall my mentor’s words and out of respect for his example to me, his concern in teaching me, I act with great care. I take this very seriously, as a way to demonstrate he did not waste his time in educating me. I want to show him through my actions that he reached me, that his arrows of instruction landed on their mark.

What if I feel like I might relapse? What if I have feelings in my little pussy and I want to rub it? “Don’t let it happen.” It truly is a matter life or death for me. A life of freedom from PMO or the death of that freedom.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2019, 02:16:49 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

cranm329

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #33 on: April 01, 2019, 03:19:46 PM »
Well done, 40 reaching and surpassing your record. Thanks for the firearm account. The analogy of the P weapon is strong. "Don't....let it...happen". Powerful image, message and reminder. Carrying a lethal weapon is unlawful here in the UK. I don't say that judgementally or smugly. It is totally unreal to most of the population. However, high speed, instant access and limitless P was unreal only 30 years ago. Now, nearly everyone here including preteen children has access to psychologically and relationally lethal on line material. Hope that I'm brave to tell my family to not let it happen to their children. Apologies for post piracy.

Rex

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Re: A New Life
« Reply #34 on: April 02, 2019, 09:07:55 AM »
I have reached the length of my all-time record today. 30-days. Last time I held out this long, was about 20 years ago. It was excruciating and I had private counselling going on and a break up, working 40 hours a week and taking 15 college credits...

Now it seems like I’m not even doing anything. Just sitting here feeling perfectly fine. I feel very balanced.

760 days No Alcohol
23 days No Sugar
and:
30 days No PMO


And I feel like a normal person.

I started the Plant Paradox diet about 1 week after I started no PMO. I did Phase 1 cleanse for 6 days instead of 3 days. By the end of the cleanse, all my sugar cravings melted away and my PMO urges and anxiety greatly reduced to a very managable level. Today, I am tying my all-time white knuckle record and I feel completly calm and in control.

I am convinced our gut microbiome is the most important thing we can focus on and get right, if we want to help the body right itself. Focusing on learning and living by the Plant Paradox diet, to the letter, has been both, 1) a nice distraction from PMO and 2) a root cause rebalancing of my body’s chemistry issues. All my strong urges of all kinds are highly managable now.

My sugar cravings were gut-wrenching only a couple weeks ago. I felt like I would die if I didn’t have something. Now I never have any sugar cravings at all. PMO urges, when they do happen, are very manageable, not so intense. I have morning wood, increased sensitivity again, but now I don’t want to masturbate, so I don’t. I know better now.

My whole body is more healthy and in balance with itself now. Fwiw, I hardly use any toilet paper now, very little is needed. My gut is working rightly again. I’m eating right. To the degree that I’m still toxic with bad thoughts and imbalances in my system, I have the tools and the understanding now to get through it and stay on track.

I want to repair and maintain my gut because I was literally at the edge of esophugus cancer from GERD. Food was sticking every day in my esophagus. It was awful. That last time it happened was so bad I thought I was going to choke out. So I changed my diet forever on that day.

The world is full of toxic shit sold as if it were awesome and good for you. I listen to Dr. Gundry, Dr. Perlmutter, Dr. Lustig and Dr. Mercola for my breakthrough information on diet and health, as well as Gary Wilson, on addictive issues. The rest of the world seems to be behind the curve on these areas of science.
 
So glad I found the ways that work for me and the teachers who are in the state of the art. But, I still have to be the one who stays on track. I have to eat right and think right. No one else is going to do that for me. In fact, if you listen to what the food industry tells you, or the FDA, or listen to half the guys on this forum who relapse every other week, you’ll think it’s no big deal and not take it all with deadly seriousness.

I was fortunate to have an excellent mentor when I trained for my concealed carry permit and continued lethal force training. Marty Hayes of Firearms Academy of Seattle taught his students safety but, by example, he taught a lot more. He taught inner strength and character as well as human decency. He showed everyone an example of what being a strong male role model should look like, in practice. His little comments and corrections were often his greatest wisdom for life.

When asked what we should say, if someone in public should see our concealed weapon by accident, his answers were very strong and very direct. “You keep it concealed, and under no circumstance should anyone, under any circumstance, know you have it on your person or where you have it.”

I asked if you could just let the startled person know you were licensed to carry?

His face was absolutely clear, “DON’T... LET IT... HAPPEN.”

For him, it was final. There was no secondary option. This was tantamount to an accidental discharge. He trained us how to never let it happen. That means, never let it happen. It’s a matter of lethal force. He would always yell to us on the range before drawing our weapons, ”PAY ATTENTION. BRAIN CELLS FRONT AND CENTER!”

He was, in other words, saying what Gary Wilson teaches, to think with the prefrontal cortext. Our lives depend on it.

I relate to this when I think of PMO. I recall my mentor’s words and out of respect for his example to me, his concern in teaching me, I act with great care. I take this very seriously, as a way to demonstrate he did not waste his time in educating me. I want to show him through my actions that he reached me, that his arrows of instruction landed on their mark.

What if I feel like I might relapse? What if I have feelings in my little pussy and I want to rub it? “Don’t let it happen.” It truly is a matter life or death for me. A life of freedom from PMO or the death of that freedom.

40years,

Congrats on the great accomplishment of reaching 1 month!  Especially while you are also going through a body cleanse/diet change. 

You have some great words of wisdom there especially on the toxic food we eat.  I have been fighting long term Lyme disease that I have had the last decade.  I'll spare you with the list of all the symptoms, but the crippling anxiety, heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat when anxiety kicks in, and panic attacks have just brought me to my knees.  I was always a calm person who even in stressful situations remained calm and level headed but the long term Lyme has so destroyed my immune system that my adrenal glands love pumping adrenaline and cortisol at high levels.  My cortisol levels when tested a few months ago were off the charts.  Though I have always been health conscious and used to workout at the gym for years a few times a week. I was 6'3" and weighed 206 lbs and I had a lot of muscle mass at a low body fat percentage. I had a physique of a natural body builder from the 1950s or early 1960s with a 50 inch chest and 18 1/2 inch upper arms (cold).  I used to bench press 330 lbs multiple sets at 8-10 reps.  My maximum weight bench press was much higher, today even if I could get to the gym I would probably struggle to bench press the 35 to 40 lb bench press bar with no weight on it. I can't lift weights anymore, if I try to I get overheated and breakout into a panic attack with a racing heart rate.  This is because my adrenal glands are so messed up. I have the energy level of a 90 year old man.

I have been following a detox diet which my doctor gave me the last two months, this has helped.  I eliminated sugar a couple of months back when I realized it wasn't helping and with my high cortisol levels my glucose was elevated almost to the pre-diabetic levels.  A week ago I eliminated cheese and am transitioning to partial vegan diet.  I have started eating the last week organic mixed green salads one to two times a day with lots of broccoli sprouts on them. I now snack on fruits, vegetables, and nuts.  I have really gotten sicker the last two years and weighed in at 220 lbs at my peak last summer, I would have weighed a lot more but I would use Dr Mercola's intermittent fasting program for a few days or week when I would start to hit 220 lbs and it would easy push my weight back down to around 210 lbs. I also only drink purified water or bottled Fiji water, I drink around 80 to 100 ounces of it a day, sometimes a little more.  I have gradually realized I really need to eat extremely healthy not just to help in my healing of Lyme but for the rest of my life.  Currently my weight is 188 lbs, and I'll probably just keep eating healthy and see where it drops down to.  19 years ago before I started heavy weight lifting when I went on a pure vegan diet for 1 year, my weight dropped to 170 lbs and I felt great. So thanks for the encouragement to stick with the healthy diet.

Keep up the great work fighting PMO, you are doing great!


« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 09:23:56 AM by Rex »
Rex
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40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #35 on: April 02, 2019, 12:08:31 PM »
hi Rex,
   Sorry to hear about the Lyme disease. If you’re hip to Dr. Mercola, I would think you would know all about Dr. Gundry’s Plant Paradox as Mercola has done several interviews with Gundry on his podcast and is a huge proponent of Gundry’s work.

   No fuckin’ around: Gundry’s got the answer. His Plant Paradox diet removes all the toxic elements out of the menu and the body heals itself. The lectins and the antibiotics in commercially raised meat and eating the wrong lectin-heavy vegetables. Sugar and fruit people don’t want to believe that it’s the worst thing they can put in their mouth.

My medications started giving me low blood pressure as I adjusted to the diet and my body healed my gut. The lectins stopped getting through the gut wall lining and my whole system stabilized.

I stopped taking the prescription medicine because The Food Is The Medicine.

The bad food ruined my health and the right food saved my life.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 12:12:28 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »

40-yearsOnVideoPorn

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #36 on: April 02, 2019, 11:18:23 PM »
Just struggling to stay focused on recovery. Hot chicks are everywhere. They look so fine. It’s hard being an old guy because young girls aren’t interested in anything I have to offer.

Masturbation to porn was always my outlet for that frustration. And I’m having to face this head on right now. I am having to face everything about how I feel, without flinching, without resistance. And I am finding this difficult, I’m struggling to cope,  more than ever today.


Day 31 No PMO
Day 761 No Alcohol
Day 24 No Sugar

cranm329

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #37 on: April 03, 2019, 05:51:34 AM »
Yeah! Stay strong. It matters. YOU matter. I fully relate to what you're facing. With you 100%.

Rex

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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #38 on: April 03, 2019, 08:16:33 AM »
40years,

Thanks for the great info, a while back I had actually read a few articles about Gundry's diet program and watched a coupe of his videos.  On your recommendation I am going to buy his Plant Paradox book.  I am going to do his diet plan, I got nothing to lose but more weight.  Thanks again for taking the time to post this information, I am really hurting in my Lyme treatment and I am becoming more convinced that diet is the answer.

   
Rex
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Re: 40-Years Addicted To Video Pornography
« Reply #39 on: April 03, 2019, 11:55:03 AM »
Rex, I wish you well, brother.
    First no porn and now this? You are obviously a man who thinks clearly. I commend you for this decision.

If I can offer support along your road, please feel free to ask anything. In the words of Bob Ross, “Everbody needs a happy little friend.” I like to watch Dr. Gundry on his youtube podcast, as well. He has a wealth of video information on his youtube channel.

The Plant Paradox book should contain all the information you need to design a nice little menu for yourself. I just posted the ingredients Yes and No lists on my fridge with magnets until I was clear on what not to eat.

Getting rid of the wrong foods, the foods that cause an inflammatory response is the big one. Once you get those out, the gut heals amazingly fast.He talks about eating for your “gut buddies - take care of them and they’ll take care of you.” and that’s the essence of the deal.

We’re creating, or fostering, our optimal gut microbiome and choosing each ingredient for this reason only. Sure we learn to eat wonderful tasting food too, but the primary focus is in what the gut needs to create its  healthiest digestive environment. Sugar, Lectins, Antibiotics, RoundUp, toxins, etc, in our foods destroys our good gut buddies and ruins our health. These simple dietary changes set everything back right, how it should be, how we’ve been for millenia before processed food was invented.

So, I am happy to hear you are starting this Plant Paradox journey! You’ll look back one day and realize this was one of those Best Decisions Of Your Life type things!


« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 12:13:53 PM by 40-yearsOnVideoPorn »