Author Topic: The Dead Man Has Arisen  (Read 3526 times)

Pete McVries

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The Dead Man Has Arisen
« on: February 25, 2019, 05:17:11 PM »
After weeks and months of posting in other journals, I think it's about time to introduce myself to you good folks. Funnily, this is my 100th post, so better make it count, right? Wall of text incoming. I like to write and writing helps me sort my thoughts, but there is a TL;DR at the end ;). If you, dear reader, decide to read it all, I think you are in for one hell of a story.

I'm a 31 year old male who had PIED basically all his life. Unfortunately, I started at a very young age. I discovered how to masturbate (prone) at the age of six. Weirdly enough, I right away knew that this is nothing my parents or peers should see, so I did it secretly and very rarely, like once or twice a month. No addiction or chronic masturbation here. But as you might know, prone masturbation is bad because it leads to the Death-Grip-Syndrome due to the pressure and friction. So when a friend in 6th grade casually introduced me to "normal" masturbation during a sleep over, at first, I couldn't successfully do it because there was not enough friction for me. But over time it got better and I never went back to prone masturbation and the Death-Grip-Syndrome dissolved.

My history with porn: In 7th grade, in school during a computer science class, a friend of mine told me something like:"Dude, go to yahoo, click on movies, click on actresses, click on P, find the name Pamela Anderson and if you follow the first link, you can find topless pictures of Pamela Anderson!" And there I sat in front of the screen, disregarding my classmates, mesmerized by her tits, having a full hard-on in my pants. :D I had to chuckle writing this, but this is how it started and it only got worse over time... way worse...

At about the same time, my family got its first family computer with the internet. You have to remember, this is a long time ago, it was the internet stone age, so you had to actually manually dial in to connect to the internet and especially on the weekends, it was often times unsuccessful because so many people tried to connect that the providers simply haven't had enough capacities.

But that changed quickly and it got more stable over time and from the very first beginning, I tried to get my hands on pictures of naked women. My mates were doing the same and soon we were exchanging our favourite sites and things got worse and worse. My favourite site posted a bunch of links that lead to pornographic galleries on a daily basis, so I would often follow these links, not knowing what could be found behind them. As you can imagine, I got exposed to a lot of different stuff that was pretty hardcore.

At one point in time, my parents found out because they saw the different links in the browser history. I remember clearly how shocked my father was. He was like "when I was your age, we exchanged pictures of pin up girls who were showing off their legs and here you are watching girls stuffing dildos into their asses?!" (sorry for the trigger!) As a punishment, I wasn't permitted to use the computer for a month. What changed? I found out how to erase the browser history, so I continued watching P.

Things got worse over time, I switched from pictures to short video clips and stuff like that. When emule/edonkey/overnet emerged, I started downloading full length porn movies and that was a game changer. When I was 16 yo, I moved the family computer from my parents' bureau to my room. Nobody said a thing, so it stayed this way. Quickly, I bought a dvd player which was able to play burned cds/dvds on my tv. Before the birth of porn tubes, I was creating my own small porn tube so to say. In the end, I had about 120 XXX movies I'd say. Haha, I remember when I moved out when I was 20 yo, I knew, I couldn't bring the dvds with me so I had to get rid of them. So one night, I snuck out and cluelessly wandered the neighbourhood until I found an empty garbage bin of somebody I didn't know and threw them all in. Let me tell you, I was paranoid for weeks that somebody would dig them out and watch them and somehow connect them to me.

I moved in with a friend who was ten years older and a cameraman. That meant that he was travelling the world all the time, shooting stuff, and I had the flat for myself for the most part. My porn use increased dramatically. Like skyrocketed. This went on for a year before I moved into a flat with a girl and a guy I didn't know beforehand. In result, my porn use decreased again because of my two flat mates. I mean, it was much harder to wank all the time, I didn't live on my own anymore. But after a year or so I moved out and found my own appartment. The porn use skyrocketed again. I even went so far as to buy sex toys but I got rid of them quickly because I was thinking "wtf am I doing here, that's not me".

Fast forward a few years, I was 28 yo and that's when things changed. I stumbled upon YBOP but only skimmed through it without getting the message. So I thought, porn is bad hmkay, so I only watch clothed models from now on and masturbate to them. Lifehack, yeah! So I did that for a few days before going back to YBOP and watching Gary Wilson's excellent TED talk (I guess, that's the starting point for many of us). And man what a revelation it was. It was like he was describing me and talking about me, like literally everything applied to me. Immediately, I started stopping PMO and successfully went on for about 120 days. Then I had a major life crisis which somewhat is still going on but I'm in a much better place right now. For reasons, I don't want to elaborate more but I went to clinics, took psychotropic drugs, went to psychiatrists and psychotherapists, like the whole nine yards. During these three horrible years, I wasn't able to commit to no PMO effectively even though I knew all the time how bad it was for me. Things started looking up in the beginning of this year when I was finally able to go on a good streak again and commit to it. So, really, I'm in a good place right now...

(cont...)

« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 08:42:00 PM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2019, 05:18:35 PM »
My experience with girls/women: Let me clarify this right away and to be clear, I'm by no means smug or full of myself, in fact, these past three years have humbled me A LOT! I'm just stating a fact because I think it's important. I'm a rather good looking guy and girls have always been attracted to me. Therefore I've never had problems getting into relationships or have opportunities to have sex. How do I know this? Don't get me wrong, I think I'm a somewhat good looking dude but not special in any way or beautiful. But at the end of highschool, we had a yearbook where everyone could present themselves on a page. And at the end of the book there were the results of polls that had been conducted anonymously beforehand. The usual stuff like who will be the most successful, who missed the most classes, which couple will marry first and silly stuff like that. Two results stood out for me: Who is the most beautiful person and with which person would you like to have sex the most. I was first place in both of them (and I was a little surprised to say the least). Yep, but no need for jealousy :D. Guess which person got no sex at all because of PIED? I think, I don't need to answer that... ;)

Sooo, before being introduced to porn, I started pretty normal. I had my first kiss in 5th grade and I made out with quite a few girls until 7th grade. On birthdays, we would play spin the bottle a lot and I had a few not so serious relationships like kids do in that age. But as soon as I got into porn, I lost interest in girls my age more or less. I stopped actively approaching them and I lost THAT desire for them. If it wasn't for my looks (or whatever you would like to call it) I'm pretty sure, I wouldn't have had any or much less sexual experience. But the girls always kept approaching me over the years, and that's how I finally found out that I was blessed by an erectile dysfunction (which turned out to be PIED but, of course, I didn't know it at that time).

When I was 16 yo, I had my first sexual experience with H who was in a grade below me. We both attended a party and ended up making out in the bedroom of the host's parents. I found her super cute and things got more heated. So, I locked the door and we started taking our clothes off until we were naked. So I asked her if she wanted to have sex but she declined because she didn't want to lose her virginity on a party where a lot of people still were there outside of that bedroom. I totally understood, so we did everything but actual penetration. At one point she was giving me a BJ and while I was fully hard and totally attracted to her, I couldn't orgasm to save the life of me. In hindsight, that was the first major red flag. Porn induced delayed ejaculation. So after what felt like an eternity, the poor girl finally stopped, when a friend of mine was knocking on the door telling me that he was leaving. So I took the opportunity to escape the scene.

A year later, I stumbled into an actual relationship with E who was also a grade below me (always eyeing the younger prey ;D). Even though, I was already heavily involved in porn, I was very attracted to her but as I wrote before, she approached me and I just went along with it. This time was different, though. I knew, she wasn't a virgin anymore and that stressed me a bit. Because I was. In the end, we were together for about 3 months before I finally pulled the plug because of my PIED. But first things first. Our first date took place at her place. We were having a little wine, got in the mood, and started kissing each other for a while. Out of the blue, she suddenly said "let's get into my bed and fuck!" I must have looked very surprised because she quickly added "naah, it was just a joke!" Okaaaay. We continued making out before I left her place. Next weekend we had our second date. This time, it took place at her sister's appartment. E's sister was out of town for a few days, so she let us have her flat. It was a beautiful flat in the inner city and everything was just perfect. Very quickly we ended up in bed. We were in our underwear and I was dry humping her but to my astonishment, I didn't have an erection. She must have sensed it, so after a while she said, she was going to take a shower. While she was showering, I was lying in bed and this was the first time I vaguely thought that something was wrong. Soon, she returned to bed and we just cuddled until we fell asleep.

And stuff like that kept happening over and over again. When we finally started trying to have sex, I would fail miserably all the time. One time it worked, though. But let me tell you this, the poor girl went to town on me like I've never seen again. So, finally, she put it in and we had sex for a few minutes. There is a piquant detail. We didn't use protection because my erection would have faded, that's for sure. So I was raw dogging her, completely disregarding the fact that I could have gotten her pregnant or catch an STD. But I was soooooo relieved that it was finally happening that I stopped thinking straight for a few moments. I guess, she was on the pill but to this day we have never talked about it. After we finished, she was lying next to me, whispering sweet things into my ear like "you make me happy" and "I love you" and I was just lying there being totally paralyzed, not being able to answer properly. Man, I felt horrible. Even though, I just had sex for the first time, it just felt so wrong, I mean, she had to put in so much extra effort to give me just a good enough erection to penetrate, it was terrible. And I was fucking her like a rabbit so that my erection wouldn't fade, I mean, could it have gotten any worse ???

After a few more failed attempts, I decided to call it quits because I simply couldn't take it anymore. As the great Noah Church once said, impotency is a pretty fucking horrible feeling. Not only for yourself but also for your partner who is just super confused and feels inadequate. So, I met up with her at her place and told her some bullshit story, that I wasn't in love with her and that our relationship wouldn't work out. She was veeeery sad but she also somehow knew that it was coming. We had the saddest goodbye. I was at the door about to leave when she took my hand and gave me a kiss. We looked each other in the eye and started making out in the corridor for a good thirty minutes before I mumbled something like "I really have to go now". I was super crushed. E was just plain beautiful with a banging body combined with a great personality. I mean, I really loved the girl. And her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, people make songs about these kind of eyes... A few days after our break up, I came to know that E started hooking up with this dude I knew from another school. A total wimp in my eyes. I was so fucking angry that this dude was banging my girl, I felt like ripping this asshole to pieces. But technically I knew that neither E nor this dude were doing anything wrong so I left it at that. I met her a few times over the years but I always felt so embarrassed in her presence that I sometimes didn't even greet her even though she was standing next to me. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Unfortunately, I lost contact to her. I tried to google her a few times over the years but funnily she has the same name as a tv personality so the google results are worthless. To this day, I still think about her occasionally. She was my first real love and I just would like to give her some closure, you know, that it wasn't her fault. I really hope she is in a good place and life is treating her well, she certainly deserves it.

As you can imagine, I was pretty disheartened after that. And it led me into a pretty deep identity crisis. I was casually talking to a friend of mine, that I struggled with my erections with E and he suggested that I might be gay. So, I thought about that for a long time. I remember sitting next to another friend of mine and I examined his face and I thought to myself for a good minute "Do I really want to kiss him?" Of course I didn't but the fact that I was contemplating such things shows you how fucked in the head I was by all this. And for the record, I'm not against homosexuality or so, in fact, I have a few gay friends (not at that time though). I also thought about being asexual. But women in porn gave me erections so that shouldn't be the case also.

So in consequence, I stopped dating for a while. When I was 19yo, I hooked up with a girl at a party. Again, she was approaching me. At that time, I didn't dare to sexually advance any girl anymore. But she was quite attractive, so we had a good talk and ended up making out. I was feeling good, so when she suggested to head back to her place, I thought why not, let's try it again. I think, you know the pattern by now... Completely dead dick. She said something like "Oh, how I hate these sex accidents!" and I was like "Y-Yeah, huh" and we cuddled for a while before I said I was leaving. And I remember, when I got out of the bed, I looked back for a brief moment, just admiring how fucking beautiful and sexy she was and I was thinking to myself "why the fuck don't I get any erections? WHY?" The next day, her best friend reached out to me, telling me stuff like "Awww, you're the perfect couple, you should be together!" and I was like "yeah, naw, not gonna happen..."

This is the first time when I went to an urologist to make sure everything is ok. The urologist just asked me some question and assured me that things like that usually are impossible to happen and that it must be nerves or performance anxiety. You can bet your ass that I had developed some kind of performance anxiety and nerves when it comes to sex but by no means was it there in the first place. So, he sent me home with a prescription of viagra. Thanks, Doc, I'm cured! When I went to the pharmacy to buy the viagra, it was such an embarrassing situation. The female pharmacist looked at me like I was an alien or so when I handed her my prescription. Like why the fuck does this 20yo old dude need viagra...

I took some time off and travelled the world with a friend. During these 3 months, my friend was banging chicks left and right while I was having none. He was confused about the fact but, I think, he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. Thus, he didn't ask any further questions and I was happy for his success. At one night, though, I hooked up with a local in Bangkok. Again, she presented herself to me and it all started with innocent conversations. But then she invited me back to her place. I was hesitant at first but my line of thinking was, if I failed to get an erection, nobody would ever know because nobody knows me in this part of the world, so there is no risk but to get embarrassed again but I can take that. At her place, we ended up in bed quickly and she was on top of me, taking her bra off and, man, her boobs were just so beautiful and perfect. I've never seen a better pair of boobs in my entire life. And her skin was just so ultra soft, the softest skin I've ever touched. But my dick was completely dead again, so after a while I stopped the action and said something stupid like "I don't fuck on first dates" (;D) and left her place.

When I returned back home, history kept repeating itself. I really couldn't catch a break at this point. And little did I know that the next encouter would really change my life. If I recall correctly, I was 21yo at that time. One night, I was partying with a few friends and I was a little drunk and in a suprisingly good mood. So I was entering the club and I was passing by this beautiful blonde girl and when we saw each other, I smiled at her and pointed at my cheek, so she gave me a kiss on it. I was happy and I left her at that. As chance would have it, the next day I went out again and had a few drinks at a bar, when this girl from last night entered the bar. Immediately we saw each other, both all smiles, so we introduced us to each other. We had a great night and exchanged names and numbers at the end of it. P was a stunner, at least visually. She worked as a model and was an aspiring fashion designer. A friend once said "damn, she looks like a pornstar!" and another one stated "Wow, if you ever decided to have kids, your children would be the most beautiful aryan children!"

She wanted to see me all the time, but I was a little hesitant. One night, I invited her to a party which took place at a friend's house. We had a great night and the sexual tension was rising to a peak. So we left the party and ended up on top of the internal staircase of the house. We got naked and satisfied each other orally. I think, I don't have to say that my erection was nonexistent again. She sucked my limp dick and if that ever has happened to you, you know that it is super awkward and embarrassing. After a while she stopped and we left the house and ended up on the streets where we said good-bye to each other. I assured her that everything was fine and that I must have been too drunk, thus no boner. P seemed to be understanding, we kissed each other and our ways parted that night. A few days later we saw each other again. P was helping out as a bartender in a bar and was providing me free drinks all night (good girl!). As you can imagine, I got pretty drunk quickly. At one point, I wanted to catch a breath of fresh air, so I stepped out of the bar and while I was standing there, I took a brief look back at the bar and I looked at P and I was thinking "damn, she is so beautiful, I should consider myself lucky... But... It will never work out, it never has and it... it never will." And then it happened. I sat down on the curb and broke down in tears. A biblical crying fit. It was like all these years of sexual and romantic failure came down crashing on me at once. I must have sat there a good ten minutes before my best friend stepped out of the bar because he wanted to smoke a joint. He saw me sitting there crying my eyes out and sat down next to me and asked what the fuck was going on? I think, I continued crying for a good five minutes before I calmed down a bit. I was so desperate at this point in my life and I wanted to talk to somebody so badly but I also knew that sharing this information could possibly ruin my life. At least, that's what I was thinking at that time. So, I opened up to him and basically all I said was "I'm unable to get erections when I'm with a girl. I don't know why but I know that I can't get erections, I just simply can't."

(I had to take an hour long break after writing the last paragraph, it really hit me hard...)

He picked me up, gave me hug, and said "let's go, I'll bring you home!". So that's what he did. And to this day we remain best friends. The guy has been a saint and I really believe, he saved me from killing myself that night. If you think, it can't get any worse, let me tell you this, you are in for a treat.

After that, P and I had some kind of an on-and-off relationship. We stopped dating but over the next 3 months our paths crossed a few times and every time we saw each other we were all over each other. I mean, it was clear that both of us were incredibly attracted to each other. But here comes the catch. One night, my best friend was calling me on the phone, asking me if I could spare a few minutes and he wanted to tell me something. Okay, shoot, but he said, he wanted to tell me in person. It sounded important, so I said, why don't you come over, which he did. And when he arrived at my place, he was dropping a bombshell. He told me that another very good friend of mine who was also a very good friend of his was banging P behind my back for the past three months. And he told me that he had been telling the other friend of us countless times over the past few months that he had to tell me that. But he didn't. And that's why he felt obliged to tell me. If you think that porn only destroys romantic relationships, you are totally wrong. And that's what I learned that day. My second best friend was a traitor of the highest order and he was banging "my" girl behind my back. What a great guy! But here comes the worst part. Nearly all of my so called friends (and we were a bunch of guys because we played football in a team) back then knew about this but nobody dared to say a thing. Spineless bitches. And nobody wanted to make a big deal of it, like they were acting as none of that had ever happened. I'm a man of my principles, so I did the only right thing and completely left all of these assholes behind not looking back a single second. Just the friend of mine who told me the whole thing remained. So, in an instant, I not only lost my girl but nearly all of my friends. What a great day that was, I'm telling you!

To give you some kind of closure, the traitor is now living a very miserable life. He doesn't have any close friends anymore and his last romantic relationship ended dramatically. I made my peace with the whole situation and I don't wish him anything bad, but whatever you want to call it, karma, law of attraction, just be wary of what you do because actions have consequences in this life and that's what happened to him in my opinion.

I learned a lot due to all this. I've become very cautious when it comes to making friends and who I let into my inner circle how I call it. You know, after all this, I wanted to hate people, I wanted to become a misanthrope but I quickly found out that this is not me. I'm a pretty friendly guy and I like humans in all shape and forms. I really can't hate people for no reason.

So, as you might imagine, this sent me into a pretty dark place in life. Depression, lots of alcohol, lots of porn, lots of self medicating in general. I was sick of it all and had daily suicidal thoughts.

(cont...)
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Pete McVries

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2019, 05:19:08 PM »
When I was 22yo I had my next sexual encounter and this is a weird one. There was this Italian girl G (one year younger than me) who grew up in my neighbourhood. And she told me once, that she always has had a crush on me when she was younger but we never had any relationship whatsoever we just saw each other from time to time. So one night, I was out drinking (my favourite thing to do during these days) in a club and G approached me. We chatted for a bit, had a good talk and she was comforting me about the whole situation with P. I swear, it felt like the whole city knew about this shit... At one point, she told me to follow her outside which I did, not knowing what she was up to. There was a park nearby which was a pretty solitary place. So she brought me there, sat me on a bench, turned her back to me, pulled down her pants and told me to fuck her. I was drunk, I didn't really care, so I tried but, yeah you know the story by now, nothing happening down there. So we tried for a few minutes until we stopped and she said something like "you're not feeling comfortable here, that's all!" As far as I recall, I didn't reply at all. So, I told her that I was leaving and called a cab. She was insisting to follow me to my place but I made it very clear that I just wanted to sleep and not deal with people. I thought that this was it, but oh boy was I wrong. The next evening, somebody was ringing the doorbell. I was very surprised because that basically never has happened before without having a date with someone. So, I went to open the door and to my surprise G stood at my doorstep, tipsy... and in a sexy dress. She told me to let her in which I did. I asked her if she wanted some tea or water but she declined. So there we stood in my living room and I was oblivious about what she was up to. Well, she made it very clear quickly. "Let's go to your room!", to which I asked why and she told me to have a good time.

Now, picture yourself in this situation. Imagine, being an attractive albeit totally depressed and impotent dude and having this hot-blooded, gorgeous Italian girl in your living room, basically offering to do anything to make you happy and please you. What would you do? How would you have reacted? Well, it took a lot of self-control not to accept her offer. I was arguing with her for a good 30 minutes why I don't want to have sex, making up bullshit reasons as always, while she was literally BEGGING me to have sex with her. What a totally fucked up situation. I don't want to be in that kind of situation ever again. I mean, I hope, I'll end up in some kind of situation like that again but without the whole impotency thing... After half an hour she left visibly discontent. I'm still in loose contact with her nowadays. She now has a boyfriend and a good job and that makes me really happy. G is a cool chick and has never talked any shit about me and she had all the reasons to do so, so I have to give her credit for that.

One year later, I decided to give it one last shot. I decided, I was going to my city's brothel to have sex with a prostitute. We have a pretty big brothel in the city, in fact it's one of the largest of Europe. Fun fact: It was Valentine's Day that day but I didn't notice, I couldn't care less. I found out later. So what did I do? I was anxious as fuck. So before going to the brothel, I straight up watched porn for 3 hours and popped a viagra with so much active substance, it would make a T-Rex hard (spoiler: not me). At that time, I thought, the porn would get me into the mood not knowing that it would kill the last bit of arousal I had left in me. When I arrived at the brothel, I was strolling the floors looking for a prostitute I found attractive. Eventually, I found one and got into her room. We got down to business quickly but (do I really have to talk about it at this point?) I couldn't get an erection. So, again, I found myself in a situation where a chick was sucking on my limp dick, that shit is seriously traumatizing. After 30 minutes of awkwardness and feeling very uncomfortable, she said my time was up and I had to leave. When I was putting on my clothes, she took a close look at me and asked me "why don't you have a girlfriend?" And I was like "didn't you see that I'm unable to get an erection? How the fuck am I able to maintain a healthy relationship with a girl???" She gave me a strange look and I said my goodbye wishing her all the best.

And that's that. After that no more sexual encounters. I had enough, I was totally fed up. I carefully managed my way through life without getting too close to sexual encounters or relationships. You know what's crazy? I have a very hazy memory of the following years (23-28). Five years of my life and all I can remember really is that I was studying at a university but not much else. My theory is that relationships are one of the most important things in our life. And because of the fact that I haven't had any during these years, I haven't created any memories of significance. Very sad to be honest. 8 long years and counting of not having sex or a meaningful relationship. Not even a single kiss. Man, talk about a historical dry spell...

I think, I need to mention, that I went to another urologist several times to get my T-levels checked and I got an ultrasonic done on my cavernous body. As expected, everything came back fine.

Now, you know my story, now you know where I'm coming from. If you made it through this wall of text, I salute you, good sir! I had to write it all down, it was a crazy trip down memory lane and it took me two days to write it all down. It was very therapeutic for me. I hope, anyone reading this will gain something from it. I certainly do reading and commenting on other rebooters journals. You inspire me. Whether you are on day 1 or day 1000, whether you are relapsing over and over but not willing to give up or you are hustling your way straight to 8 months clean, whether you are 15 years old or 50 years old. You guys inspire me to keep going and that's exactly what I'm planning to do.

I'm on day 51 hardmode. I believe, that's the only way to recover.

TL;DR

- 18 years of porn (ab)use (YIKES! More than half of all my life)
- PIED since the beginning of time
- 8 year long dry spell
- On the road to recovery currently on day 51 hardmode
- Things are looking up

In the following posts, I'll write a bit more about the things that worked for me and the benefits I got so far from noPMO. There are several benefits I don't want to miss anymore and that's my biggest motivation to stay clean right now. Of course, the ultimate goal is to get rid of my PIED but the other benefits that come with noPMO are great on their own. Oh, and if you, dear reader (if there is anyone that made it through this wall of text), have any question, just shoot, I'll happily answer all of them.

Have a good one and keep trucking, boys!
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2019, 08:19:44 PM »
Hey Pete,

We share a lot of similarities but also some differences. I am probably not as good looking as you and also very introverted so for me the lower sex drive caused by PMO was enough to keep me a virgin till my 27-28 years (depending what you actually count as sex...because with my heavy PIED some of the early attempts were more like a dryhumping). I bet the whole "incel" trend is caused by PMO and the poor guys don't even know it, they just blame female emancipation and other secondary factors.

When I finally found a girl that I love, I found out about my PIED but wasn't sure what was causing it at first. She was a virgin and had a problem with vaginismus so she didn't know it wasn't entirely her fault. We had some pretty bad sex and often times no real sex as I was unable to penetrate. However there was a period few years back that I was insanely busy with my job and very successful in everything but sex, so my PMO dramatically decreased (maybe one or two very short PMO sessions a month). After 6 months of that, we had the most amazing sex. I still didn't have perfect erection but it was more than enough and we ended up having second sex the same night. I got chaser effect after that and ruined my progress. But I am writing it to show you that there is a hope.

You are just couple months away from having a wonderful life that is way better than any artificial stimulation. Although I was sometimes able to get extremely strong O through insanely long edging, I still prefer vaginal intercourse even with a partial erection. Even the smaller orgasm must be releasing wider range of chemicals than just fapping. It feels so much better. After cumming into a woman, I feel like a winner. After PMO session, I am just numb and exhausted. And the best two-sex night I had was by far the best experience of my life and I think I was still only 80% hard/healed.

If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2019, 09:47:08 PM »
Hey Pete.
Thanks for sharing your story here- that was a worthwhile read! Sounds like you’ve been through a lot of frustrations.
Like Kittyhawk, I have had times before with great success in life generally and especially sexually. Stupidly, I didn’t realize what had happened.while I didn’t have severe PIED like now,  I got back to very good sexual function in just 2-3 months that time. I was bidding for a job (I got it now!) with very stringent physical and written requirements so it was a spring and summer of working out, laser focused on fitness, nutrition and supplements and, coincidentally cut way down on PMO. I was just busier and the side effect was no (much less) time to fap. I wasn’t perfect but cut down by 90% without really realizing it. All that to say, yes there must be hope for guys like us.
I don’t post much but when I check in it’s refreshing to see your insights and encouragement for everyone one on this board.  All the best on your recovery.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2019, 06:39:43 AM »
@KittyHawk & Edit_undo:

Thanks for your replies. I'm honestly baffled how quickly you guys read my posts and replied to me. That's not what I've expected. In all honesty, I didn't expect anyone to read all this because it's really a lot of words coming at you at once. But you not only took your time to read all this but you also made sure to carefully answer. And by that, I'm truly honored! And it's even better that it's coming from two guys, I've tried to help (KittyHawk) or who I've congratulated on his streak and simply motivated him to keep going (Edit_undo). So, really, I take my hat off to you guys, you are a great addition to this board and I'm sure, I'm not the only one benefiting from your presence!

Hey Pete,

We share a lot of similarities but also some differences. I am probably not as good looking as you and also very introverted so for me the lower sex drive caused by PMO was enough to keep me a virgin till my 27-28 years (depending what you actually count as sex...because with my heavy PIED some of the early attempts were more like a dryhumping). I bet the whole "incel" trend is caused by PMO and the poor guys don't even know it, they just blame female emancipation and other secondary factors.

Yeah, I totally agree about the "incel" movement and the crazy surge of so called "nice guys". They are popping up left and right. Guys who think they deserve pussy just because they are "nice" and are not acting like the rest of these "assholes" who treat women badly. There is a whole subreddit about this phenomenon (I'm not reading it anymore, it makes me really depressed) and it almost has a million subscribers, so this is a real thing. In my mind, it's all about the instant gratification that porn and social media provides. People are so used to not putting any effort in anything anymore because they are used to getting things (one could say squirts of dopamine which essentially give them a sense of accomplishment) out of something without putting any effort in. It's terrifying to see. It makes me dizzy when I think about the younger generations, especially the boys. I've worked in an elementary school for a year in 4th grade and the boys were so fascinated by sex. Not all the time but when they went to the school's own library once or twice a month, all of the boys straight up picked up the sex education books and pointed at the sketches of naked people having sex pretending like they were disgusted by that but all they wanted to do is look at it and soak it all in.

Now, imagine that these boys had smartphones. And I'm sure they will get one, once they graduated to a secondary school. What would you have done? I'm sure the first thing I would have done is to look up the word sex on google and probably porn as the logical next step. We all know that the average age of being exposed to porn nowadays is 10 years old. And what do they get exposed to? One thing, I know for sure, it's not caressing missionary style sex. (Sorry for potential triggers!) It's ass fucking, rough sex, gagging, bukkake, group sex and other fucked up stuff. All brought to you in HD and filmed with a fisheye lens to make things even more round, extreme, and unrealistic. It's a worldwide problem (and by problem I mean public health crisis) and, in my mind, we are heading into really dark times if the public awareness of the problem doesn't change in the next few years...

But it's not only the boys. Even without adding porn to the mix, girls and women are constantly confronted and bombarded with highly unrealistic beauty standards which are impossible to match. The body of a woman is alienated all the time to sell you something. Because sex sells, right? Of course, it does! Every magazine cover, every commercial on a billboard, every tv ad has women in it who are photoshopped to the extreme. Kate Winslet once said, after being on the cover of the GQ magazine, "that's not me and I don't aspire to look like that. My thighs are 1/3 thinner of what they are in real life!" Does it really make you wonder why 6 year old girls develop anorexia or body dysmorphic disorder? Yeah, me neither...

It scares the shit out of me.

When I finally found a girl that I love, I found out about my PIED but wasn't sure what was causing it at first. She was a virgin and had a problem with vaginismus so she didn't know it wasn't entirely her fault. We had some pretty bad sex and often times no real sex as I was unable to penetrate. However there was a period few years back that I was insanely busy with my job and very successful in everything but sex, so my PMO dramatically decreased (maybe one or two very short PMO sessions a month). After 6 months of that, we had the most amazing sex. I still didn't have perfect erection but it was more than enough and we ended up having second sex the same night. I got chaser effect after that and ruined my progress. But I am writing it to show you that there is a hope.

You are just couple months away from having a wonderful life that is way better than any artificial stimulation. Although I was sometimes able to get extremely strong O through insanely long edging, I still prefer vaginal intercourse even with a partial erection. Even the smaller orgasm must be releasing wider range of chemicals than just fapping. It feels so much better. After cumming into a woman, I feel like a winner. After PMO session, I am just numb and exhausted. And the best two-sex night I had was by far the best experience of my life and I think I was still only 80% hard/healed.

Thanks for sharing your own personal experiences and giving me hope! That should also make you keep the eyes on the prize. You have a wife, right ;)?   If you believe it or not, the brain/body does exactly know the difference between masturbation and actual sex. There was a study once (sorry, I don't have it at hand) which showed that the composition of sperm released during masturbation was different from sperm released during sex. Some food for thought right there.

Hey Pete.
Thanks for sharing your story here- that was a worthwhile read! Sounds like you’ve been through a lot of frustrations.
Like Kittyhawk, I have had times before with great success in life generally and especially sexually. Stupidly, I didn’t realize what had happened.while I didn’t have severe PIED like now,  I got back to very good sexual function in just 2-3 months that time. I was bidding for a job (I got it now!) with very stringent physical and written requirements so it was a spring and summer of working out, laser focused on fitness, nutrition and supplements and, coincidentally cut way down on PMO. I was just busier and the side effect was no (much less) time to fap. I wasn’t perfect but cut down by 90% without really realizing it. All that to say, yes there must be hope for guys like us.
I don’t post much but when I check in it’s refreshing to see your insights and encouragement for everyone one on this board.  All the best on your recovery.

Thanks for your warm words! I'll be following your progress closely and from the bottom of my heart, I hope that you will recovery completely!

Today is a busy day for me. In the evening, I'll meet a very good friend of mine and I'm planning to tell him about my PMO addiction. I thought very carefully about it, but I'll do it the Gabe Deem & Noah Church way. I'm going to tell my family members and all my close friends about my addiction. It scares me a lot, but on the other hand, I don't want to hide in the shadows anymore and to be honest, it excites me a bit also. So, I'm gonna shed some light on it all. The most common reaction will be "ahhh, that's why you didn't have a girlfriend all the time!" If I got a Euro everytime somebody has asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend, I would be a millionaire by now ;D. One thing I know for sure, my friend will be baffled but he will also understand me. He is a former drug addict (he was into some really hard stuff) and he is now three years clean. I'm very proud of him. I used to support him all the time during his darkest days. Several times I would talk him out of commiting suicide and he would do the same for me eventually.

When he started to become clean, I was rebooting for the first time, so I think I know at least a bit what he was going through. All the time, I thought to myself: "If he can successfully battle his hard drug addiction, quitting PMO should be a walk in the park!" It really put things into perspective for me. Therefore, I was highly motivated to see him get clean and always stood by his side because his success was/would be evidence that I could do it, too.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!
« Last Edit: February 26, 2019, 06:44:36 AM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2019, 08:44:09 AM »
Pete: You are brave to share your addiction with people close to you. At this stage, I am too ashamed and emotionally exhausted to share it with somebody I know. I kind of shared some of it with my wife but I was so embarrassed and feeling guilty, that I said more something along the line "I am experimenting with quitting porn. I think it will improve our sex life." So the full message didn't get through to her. She just said something like "Yes, sounds good, do it." So she knows I am/was watching porn but she is so open-minded that she wasn't upset by it although some women would.

You are right, I owe it not only to myself but also to her to be completely healed as soon as possible and make up for all the lost time. When I was at my worst (heavy PMO every day for every free hour of my life), I introduced P into our bedroom as a quick fix for my inability to have penetrative sex. We watch it together couple time. Even recalling that now makes me feel so ashamed.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2019, 09:59:00 AM »
I have tried to stop multiple times before but it feels different in my brain and in my body this time (day 106 hard mode currently). There are many factors that have contributed, we all know how complex this addiction can be, but looking back 100 days ago, the single biggest change for me this time was telling other people. My relationship was at the brink and is still deep in the recovery process as a result of my addiction to porn and I had a moment of clarity that said "what do I care more about: my perceived pride/embarrassment/privacy or my health and my relationship". Beyond confessing everything and being open with my girlfriend, I made the decision to tell 4 of my friends. I would never take those conversations back either. Telling other people outside of my relationship has lifted a weight off of me like nothing I've ever felt before. It has also magnified the feeling of being accountable to myself.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2019, 12:18:33 PM »
@KittyHawk: Maybe it's brave. But at this point I think it's a necessary evil. I really have thought about it for a long time and I thought it through very carefully. A lot of people in my milieu know that something is "wrong" with me but everyone seems to have their own theory and nobody gets it right. And at this point, I just want to give them a chance to look at me the right way. These people are very important to me and I love every single one of them. For instance, my parents. They have their flaws and not everything they did to me in the past was perfect but they are the only parents that I will ever have and I know they love me dearly and would do everything in their power to help me. Same goes for my siblings and my friends.

I have alread told my younger brother about all the stuff a few days ago. My main motivation to tell him was to protect him from all the damage porn can cause. Because that's what big brothers do, right? So, I told him about all of it and he took it really well. I'm super happy, that he hasn't developed any malfunctions (yet) and I made sure that he never will. He even has a girlfriend and the fool didn't even feel the need to tell me... ::)

Telling my friends and parents will be rather easy for me, because I'm very sure they will take it the right way. But, I'm very scared to tell my older sister. She is a role model for me in every way. I would even go so far to call her a genius. To make it short, she is extremely successful in everything she does. Everything she touches turns to gold. And on top of that, she is a very caring and loving person. The best mother, I've ever seen. My little nephew is one lucky kid, let me tell you this. So, I'm scared about how she will take it and I don't know in which way I want to tell my story because I could tell it in a million different ways. She will probably start to cry and the last thing I want is to make her sad. So yeah, that will be a very tough one for me. She lives in another city and I will see her in march, so I'll let you guys know how everything went.

One last thing: I assume the marriage of your wife and you is not a convenience marriage. So you guys love(d) each other and decided to spend the rest of your lives together. In prosperity and adversity as they say. I think, it's only fair and square to tell her the full story. Not now, not tomorrow, do it when you are feeling ready. But she is the most important person for you and you are the most important person for her, or am I wrong to assume that? If anybody deserves to hear the story, it's your wife. I know, it can be a huge risk and it takes massive balls to do it, but I truly believe, it's the only right thing to do.

@allthelights: Thanks for chiming in. I see, we have the same motivation. I believe, it will be very liberating to tell my friends and family. No more hide and seek. And being held accountable is a big plus! Congratulations on 106 clean days, keep on going!
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #9 on: February 27, 2019, 11:17:07 AM »
Many triggers incoming but two very funny stories, too, better not miss out ;D

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I talked to my good friend M. and he took it really well. Surprisingly, he told me about his own history with porn and I was amused and shocked at the same time. Damn, he definitely was more addicted and acted out more than I ever did. He also experienced PIED for quite some time but was unable to interpret the signs. M. is bisexual (but in my humble opinion he is definitely more on the homosexual side) and in my mind he was getting pussy & penis left and right ;D. He told me one crazy story, when he was still addicted to drugs (mainly speed & ketamine), he invited two younger guys to his flat without telling them that the other guy would be there. And when the two guys arrived at his flat, he told them to kiss and have sex with each other while he was sitting in the corner jerking off. "I felt horrible, like an old man..." He did that, because he couldn't get hard and eventually he couldn't get hard jerking off either. Haha, I had to laugh out loud but what a sad story really. Shows you what porn and drugs can do to you.

Haha, I need to tell you another one because I think it's golden. After he got clean with the help of NA, psychotherapy and buddhism, he went to a buddhist retreat. At one point, the whole group was meditating in a temple and while he was meditating, suddenly a thought crossed his mind. "I wonder which of the women here are able to squirt?" LMFAO, that were his exact words. Hysterical! And the best thing is, he told me that he thought about that for a good ten minutes before he kinda woke up from that thought and was incredibly disturbed by that. "I'm sitting here meditating in a sacred place and all my mind can come up with is this fucked up shit???" ;D ;D ;D

As you can imagine, he is quite the character but a very caring and lovable one, so please don't get a false image of him. :)

Needless to say that the talk we had lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. And he was very relieved, too, because he had the craziest ideas about me. Yeah, so that's off the table now.

If anyone is interested, it's day 53 and I'm feeling marvelous! Today, I saw a very sexy woman with a beautiful butt, and while I'm mostly doing the no arousal method, I couldn't help but admire her beautiful behind for 2-3 seconds. And to my surprise, I got a tingly feeling in my noodle and I could feel an erection arising. Damn, I felt... alive. And I think that's a good sign. I haven't had such a bodily reaction to a natural stimulus for 3 years really. So, yeah, consider me hyped! I think, I'm on the right track.

One last thing: Please try to maintain some kind of light-heartedness or be in good spirits at least. I know, the journey we are on is extremely difficult at times and we are all here because one way or the other porn damaged us in a really bad way. But now, we are going to fix it. And that's something you should be happy about. When you are depressed all the time (and you have all the right to be), the next relapse is just around the corner. So, really, your PIED won't be the end of the world. There are better times ahead, I promise!
« Last Edit: February 27, 2019, 11:32:15 AM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2019, 11:57:18 AM »
Pete, your journal has an interesting title, I take it you suffer from PIED. Calling your dick dead is probably not helpful, nor is referring to yourself as dead if you want a descent sex life. Thank you.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2019, 01:54:54 PM »
That's right, my man, broadcasting live from Dead Dick City! I chose the title because while I started writing I was listening to this. Thought it was a fitting analogy. Not going to change anything, though :)
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2019, 04:33:04 PM »
Hey Pete great progress. Haha I see the power of booty is revitalizing you XD

Nice soundtrack choice.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2019, 04:43:20 PM »
Haha, yeah, I don't know what it is about booties but man, they definitely get me going. Funnily, booties never played a role in my porn habits. Isn't it a bit sad? Before I got into porn, I was always checking out the booties of my female classmates. But once I got into porn, I kinda lost interest. And I remember clearly, that I recognized this back in the day but never found out why and just thought it was because I was getting older.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2019, 03:35:01 PM »
what a story, man! Thank you for the courage to share it. It must have been difficult to go back to all these hard memories but I believe that it could be essential in your reboot.

it is important to make peace with the past. as hard as he may have been. it can not be modified and from time to time it can terrify us again when we have to go through a situation that has already caused us so much pain. But what we can do is make peace with those memories and gradually overcome traumas and tread a new story.

I'm sure you're on the right track and I'm happy with your progress that you're already beginning to notice. I hope they only increase over time. Have a great journey.

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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2019, 05:09:56 PM »
Hi Kaingang! Thanks for your heart warming words, really appreciated! And hats off that you read it from the beginngin to the end. You know, I wrote all that stuff for myself but if anybody gains anything by reading it and maybe applying it to his own situation, I'm even more happy that I wrote all of it...

At the moment, I'm really thankful and excited about where my road is headed. I surely don't know where it leads, but I think I'm a little more prepared than I have been in the past.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2019, 02:34:12 PM »
Pete man, I didn't know you've started journaling until now, you're in the 30-39 section, which i rarely open, but now I'll look at it more often, since you've started writing.
 I've read posts about your PMO, relationships and basicly life history and it touched my soul man. Escpecially that part with E (the way you described her eyes - people make songs about those kind of eyes).  It's also nice thing that you have a long time best friend (that homie you opened up to).
I'll find your adress and kick your ass if you ever relapse, you're doing it great bro, don't fuck it up!

I was suicidal 2 months ago (PIED/flatline even after 190 days of noPMO), I couldn't even penetrate my girl, I thought I'll lose her. Now, 2 months later, I make that pussy rain, she want me inside of her all the time. My erections are still far from being consistent, but they are still good to enjoy sex, which was impossible before. Even my PE is getting better.  I'm writing you this to give you hope, that sometimes it takes long, but one day you'll be where you're supposed to. Don't stop! Much love bro <3

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« Reply #17 on: March 04, 2019, 07:20:41 PM »
Ok, K-Dot, crazy story time... I can't explain the world and what's happening but I'm sure there is some logic behind.

Just yesterday, I met with my best friend L (my homie as you called him 8)) and we basically talked for a good 10 hours straight. About everything really, we are open books to each other. And we never run out of meaningful things to say to each other it's crazy we could talk until forever. He's my best friend for a reason, the one-man-squad behind me. So, at the end of the night we were talking about porn and my ed and ex gfs and stuff like that. And I told him that I'm writing and journaling on this website. And I told him about you, K-Dot, I kid you not. And I've told him that he (you) inspires me a lot and that I admire his courage to go into the fire again and again, knowing that he has to face a very tough opponent. All the time. Time and time again. My last words were "You know, he could be chillin' with us right now, I think, he is a real cool dude!" to which my friend replied "Yup, sounds like it." And that's that. Funny isn't it? Beautiful and in a way poetic. This makes me smile in real life. You've just earned mad props 8)

One night later, when I was reading your last reply, K-Dot, it really touched my heart deeply. And it was such a coincidence that you were writing me one day later after I've told my friend about you. So what did I do? I sent your reply to my friend L to show him "you remember that guy I was talking about, he wrote me that today!" You can't make that shit up.

Guys, I receive such an incredible amount of love these past few weeks from all sorts of people, it's mind blowing. During my depression, I couldn't see it for 3 years but it has always been there. My antenna for it was just broken. And the crazy thing is, the only thing that changed during these 3 years is that I've started rebooting in january. I was in a flatline for 26 days which ended with a wet dream and since then, I feel like my old self again. My emotions are back, I wanna reach out to people, I'm happy, I sleep extremely well, my depression is completely gone like it had never ever existed and I experience increased sexual sensitivity. So many great benefits.

Please, do me one favour. Be kind to yourself. Always. Your intentions are good. If you fuck up, that doesn't mean that you haven't tried hard enough. Be kind to yourself.

Back to you, K-Dot: If I should relapse one day, you are a welcomed guest. After the spanking, I'll show you my city. It's a very interesting city with a lot of history and historical buildings, so the trip will be worthwile. Mi casa es su casa. ;D

Keep going, boys, we all gonna make it! (<- it's a link, click it!)
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 08:13:54 PM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2019, 09:21:02 AM »
Man I feel great after reading this. So happy that you found my story as inspiration so much that you told your best friend about me. You made my day brother. Keep it going, I'm waiting for more updates on your recovery (Hope some chicks will come up)

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« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2019, 10:32:32 PM »
Day 60 (2/3 of the magical 90 days)

@K-Dot: I hope there will be some girls, too. But at the moment, it's hard for me to find opportunities. I won't use any dating apps and day game is frightening but maybe, I'll just have to get used to it.

I had a really disturbing wet dream two days ago. I've already reviewed it with my friend M. over the phone for an hour (lol), so I don't feel the need to post about it here. But the gist of it is that my sexuality is pointed very much inwards instead of outwards how it should be. I always tell everyone who is plagued by wet dreams not to get distracted by them. But it felt very much like a relapse even though it wasn't one. That's two wet dreams in the span of 60 days. Very similar to what I experienced during my first reboot 3 1/2 years ago. The main problem of wet dreams is that the chaser is real for a few days. Just today in the shower, I had some sexual fantasy (not porn like) and I was getting hard and was on the verge of relapsing to MO but luckily I managed to snap out of it. Tomorrow will be easier again, I'm sure.

There is another thing I'd like to talk about. Since second last week, I'm in steady contact with an old friend of mine called K. We always had a good relationship filled with mutual respect and friendship. But we lost contact over the past few years and I haven't talked to him in all those years because I didn't want him to know about my depression and all. He reached out to me a few times but I never responded. But I opened up to him second last week and he took it really well. So, we are chatting almost daily for the past two weeks. And we are reliving a lot of moments of our past (we went to school together so, there is a lot to talk about). Just today, I've told him that I have to think about E. (my first real gf to whom I lost my virginity to) from time to time and that I wonder what she's doing these days. He didn't know either but he added that he'll get her phone number for me by tomorrow. Ha, I was excited but shocked at the same time, so I told him to hold on for a minute because I need to think this through properly first. Me contacting her out of the blue after almost 15 years of radio silence will have consequences one way or the other. So, I'm really unsure what to do with it. On the one hand, I'm really excited and just the prospect of seeing her again makes my heart race. But on the other hand, I'm really unsure where all this would lead. I'm pretty sure, she has a bf or a friend with benefits at least and I'm not sure where I could fit in in all of this. Let me be clear, I don't want to contact her to win her back (or maybe I do?!), I just want to talk to her about our common past get things straight. And I wouldn't want to do it over the phone either. And I've always been super nervous when I had to call my girls over the phone, haha. I remember back in the day, I sometimes needed more than a hour to calm myself down before calling my beloved one.

If you have any advice regarding this situation, please feel free to share your thoughts on this topic!

Decisions, decisions.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 10:58:59 PM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2019, 06:02:43 AM »
Update: The mad man sent me her contact details this morning despite the fact that I said, I had to carefully think it all through. "Go get her" / "Catch and eat" (difficult to translate it 1:1) were his words ;D

« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 07:27:53 AM by Pete McVries »
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #21 on: March 07, 2019, 07:46:20 AM »
Lol! Just go for it dude. If she’s not having it no worries, but if she’s receptive it’ll only help you on your journey. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Just ask her to get a drink and catch up haha. You got this!  8)
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #22 on: March 07, 2019, 05:32:54 PM »
Thanks for your encouragement! I feel much better now. This morning I just felt a mix of panic and itchy fingers haha. I think, I can't ask her to go out for drinks that easily as I'm suspecting that she lives in another city right now. But we'll see... I'm going to see my therapist in the beginning of next week, so I'll talk it through with her. I wish, I could see her more often in times like these. I'll keep you posted.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2019, 09:36:29 AM »
Lately, I've been fantasizing uncontrollably in the shower (no porn thoughts). I will shower a lot shorter from now on to avoid this. I suspect, this could hinder my progress.
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Re: Rise Up Dead Man
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2019, 08:26:09 PM »
Take a cold shower? Those seem to be hip these days.

I don't think I'd be able to think about anything in cold water haha