Author Topic: Trekking to Freedom  (Read 3287 times)

Stp215

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #75 on: April 03, 2019, 08:40:20 PM »
21 days = really good progress, BigMog. Three weeks clean and hopefully you feel good for it. You have a lot of time sober in the bank. A lot of positive brain rewiring already happened. Hope you have a calm weekend.

I like hearing that talk, working. Entering 19 days clean here. The first few days my brain felt weird. Would like to think that was part of the rewiring process. Still fascinated about how that works. If I could get to 100+ days and reach a point where the "factory settings" are restored, I will consider that a huge victory in the personal growth department. The idea of entering a new, better chapter of my life is so exciting.



BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #76 on: April 05, 2019, 02:23:29 PM »
Thanks for your support Rex and Stp215, I really appreciate your reading and commenting.

Just got back from a week away for work, something I always find stressful, and it was difficult but fortunately I stuck with my routines and actually barely had any thoughts about PMO. I did however experience some pretty extreme feelings, oscillating between anger, paranoia and helplessness. Fortunately, I managed to keep a lid on it, so I hope at worst I only come across as just slightly grumpy.

Admittedly, in some aspects of my current role I’m a bit of a fish out of water, but I don’t think it’s just a coincidence that I’m having these moods as I’m weening myself off the PMO. Still it’s a small price to pay for being free of the habit.

All is well now, I’m calm and enjoying being back with the family.

Have a great weekend everybody. Stay PMO free.

50 Days Clean



cranm329

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #77 on: April 05, 2019, 04:42:10 PM »
Well going 50 days clean. I have had same feelings while rebooting.

switched_off_again

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #78 on: April 05, 2019, 06:54:26 PM »
Well done BigMog - it's great to read that you are managing to deal with ups and downs without resorting to PMO. I'm not there yet but still I'm happy that I'm a million miles forward from where I was last September.

Keep strong. You're doing great.
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #79 on: April 21, 2019, 05:36:48 AM »
Thanks for your comments cranm and switched_off.
Things are going OK. (Reaching out to touch wood as I say that. Doh! That sentence may not have come across in the way I intended! I mean the wood of the desk I’m sitting in front of, as an acknowledgement that I probably need a bit of luck with this journey, and mustn't get complacent).
Anyway, moving on, I’ve now equalled the longest streak that I’ve ever managed in hard mode. A few years ago I almost got to 90 days,  but that was before I properly embraced YBOP and Rebootnation and it wasn’t hard mode so I don’t think that was healing and re-wiring my brain in the same way. Of course, I’m aware of the saying that it’s better to make the days count rather than counting the days, but, for me, as long as I don’t obsess about it, I feel it’s one simple measure of progress.
The last few weeks I’ve experienced ups and downs but crucially have been able to avoid MO and PMO. At the moment I’m really under pressure at work, but fairly philosophical about it, especially as I think it is understood and acknowledged that my group/department is particularly stretched at the moment.
I’m enjoying the sunshine and the bank holiday weekend and will shortly collect the family from church. I’m aware things may not always feel this good and I’m not the finished article, and that for me this trek will have to continue, perhaps indefinitely. But after years of failure, I seem to be heading in the right direction. (Though I know I must stay vigilant).
Keep trekking everyone.
66 Days Clean.

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #80 on: April 21, 2019, 06:22:42 PM »
I can relate to you about work-that is the one that always gets me.  Congratulations on your longest streak-hope you smash it to pieces into the hundreds and beyond!  I think my own trek is also changed this time due to a more proper embrace of YBOP as you put it.  I think a basic understanding and knowledge of the reward circuity is essential in undertaking this battle.  Stay vigilant and have a great week!

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #81 on: April 22, 2019, 08:48:46 AM »

The last few weeks I’ve experienced ups and downs but crucially have been able to avoid MO and PMO.

I’m enjoying the sunshine and the bank holiday weekend and will shortly collect the family from church. I’m aware things may not always feel this good and I’m not the finished article, and that for me this trek will have to continue, perhaps indefinitely. But after years of failure, I seem to be heading in the right direction. (Though I know I must stay vigilant).
Keep trekking everyone.
66 Days Clean.

Congrats on trekking this far, BigMog. You're making great progress. I always admire your ability to focus on the real-world positive experiences - like the wonderful weather and your time with your family. You know you're doing the right things and I hope, like jixu, that you can stay successful, ride the punches at work, and keep trekking strong. With you all the way!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #82 on: April 27, 2019, 03:27:12 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement WIPUK and Jixu.  Not much to report, still keeping on the straight and narrow. I generally have plenty of activities, but work is still crazy at the moment.
Today, though, I found myself listless and dissatisfied and unable to settle to anything. Wasn’t sure if this was fatigue because of the work recently but then I realised I’d skipped my mindfulness sessions for a couple of days. Not sure if that’s the real reason, but will get back into it. Previous slips, I noticed seem to be associated with getting out of the guided meditation routine.
Keep trekking everybody.
72 Days Clean.

Jbow

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #83 on: April 27, 2019, 10:48:20 PM »
Big mog, your a rock star 72 days clean is awesome.  Sounds like you are getting a lot of stuff figured out. Congratulations.  Keep up the good work.
mg][/url]

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #84 on: May 03, 2019, 03:54:27 AM »
Thanks Jbow.

Well things were going very well but last night I fell off the wagon. I’d felt the pressure building for the last few days to a level I hadn’t experienced before on this streak. I used the techniques I normally use and more and managed to quell urges a few days earlier but it kind of overwhelmed me last night.
I found myself trying to find loopholes in the types of protection I have on my IT equipment without actually disabling the protection. I think the “chimp” part of my brain managed to persuade me that this was OK because I wouldn’t find a away through. But of course by fiddling about and then seeing some very soft-core stuff was probably ramping up the dopamine levels. Then I did find a way through the protectiion. Doh! I didn’t manage to pause to try and make a rational choice and walk out of the room and shut the door and go to bed.
Perhaps I’d set myself up a bit by being lazy with my mindfulness and not posting much here for a couple of weeks before.
On the plus side, maybe it was an indication that I’d reached the very end of a flatline. I need to work out what to do when I get to that stage again, which I certainly hope to manage soon.
77 Days is my best streak in hard-mode and my other graphs and measures of rebooting are still OK for this calendar year. My aim in writing all this is to get back into the correct frame of mind and avoid this turning from a slip into a binge because of the chaser effect.

As I only count whole days from midnight to midnight as clean, my count will appear as 0 for today and tomorrow.

Encouragement, telepathy etc all welcome!

Keep trekking rebooters!

0 Days Clean

cranm329

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #85 on: May 03, 2019, 06:26:57 AM »
You've done well bro. Yes, it's a learning experience. Just goes to show how malignant this addiction is. Thanks for giving us a glimpse of your experience so that we can be more aware of the dangers. Bit like the brave guys who find ways through minefields.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #86 on: May 03, 2019, 06:42:03 AM »
Hi BigMog. Keep plugging away at it, mate. It's a really good stretch and if you can kick straight into another one... you could soon hit the tonne and be able to say "99% good days". You have a great foundation to build on. The important thing now is to get back up and get trekking again. Kill that preoccupation. Don't let your Chimp use any "gremlins" to try to convince you to "fuck it all". Maybe try to stay clear offline for a while, mate? Good luck, buddy. Thinking of you.

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #87 on: May 03, 2019, 06:56:46 AM »
Looks like you have already analyzed the circumstances and gained insights into the circumstances leading up to the situation.  Not trying to minimize it but in the context of the long streak it appears to be more of a speed bump violation as opposed to a nasty collision.  Keep the exercise going, watch a few minutes of Three Stooges for emotional relief, and get back into the battle!       

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #88 on: May 12, 2019, 11:22:53 AM »
 Jixu, WiP , cranm and Jbow-thanks very much for your support. I've climbed back on to the wagon and am clinging on, though it's a bit of a bumpy ride. I'm in the US for work until the end of next week. Trying to stay focused as I have a lot of work to do today from my hotel room before I rejoin the fray in the office next week.

I'll intersperse the work with wandering out into the small garden, a trip to lunch and probably a run this evening as well as mindfulness and reading / responding in journals here.

Keep trekking folks.

4 Days Clean


Jbow

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #89 on: May 13, 2019, 06:26:16 AM »
You e learned something new, now you will be ready when this situation presents itself again.  You are doing great. Your mind is a powerful tool. We have to find ways to not let it win these battles. I know exactly what your going through.  You think, just a little peek, next thing you know you've been surfing the waves of desire for hours. It's ok, it a learning process.  Stay strong.  I'm proud of you for keeping up the battle.
mg][/url]

Rex

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #90 on: May 13, 2019, 09:47:14 AM »
Jixu, WiP , cranm and Jbow-thanks very much for your support. I've climbed back on to the wagon and am clinging on, though it's a bit of a bumpy ride. I'm in the US for work until the end of next week. Trying to stay focused as I have a lot of work to do today from my hotel room before I rejoin the fray in the office next week.

I'll intersperse the work with wandering out into the small garden, a trip to lunch and probably a run this evening as well as mindfulness and reading / responding in journals here.

Keep trekking folks.

4 Days Clean

BigMog,

You're doing great!  The hardest part of the reboot process is getting back on the wagon.  I could never do that until last September.  Usually when I fell after a reboot, I would go on a PMO marathon that would last months and sometimes a few years.  So that's a big step that you not only realize the importance of getting back on the wagon and moving forward but are doing the hard work of getting back on the wagon.  You have now been clean for almost a week, look at this as a new beginning, keep looking forward and focus on the future and remember no matter how bad the urges and temptations get, they will always pass.  The more times you beat the urges and temptations the easier it gets to beat them and eventually they have no pull over you.  Keep moving forward and posting on the board and don't dwell on your most recent fall to PMO it's now behind you and ancient history.

 
« Last Edit: May 13, 2019, 09:49:07 AM by Rex »
Rex
________________________________

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #91 on: May 14, 2019, 10:51:41 PM »
Rex, Jbow, many thanks for your encouraging words. You're good men! You've lifted my spirits at then end of a tiring day. Yes I am going to keep trekking and applying the lessons I've learned and the tools I have during my journey.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #92 on: May 21, 2019, 04:44:05 PM »
Well, I had a run of 12 days but then a minor slip the day before yesterday. I won't go into the details of why I consider it minor but I'm back trekking now. I find it odd that although a major binge leaves me wiped out and miserable, after a smaller slip I can focus and concentrate at work much better for a day or so. Of course, it's not that a slip is a good thing; my aim is to be rid of PMO and for my brain to be balanced and those levels of concentration to be the norm. I guess it's related to swinging levels of dopamine and DeltaFosB. It's all a bit of bumpy ride at the moment.
Keep trekking fellow re-booters!

Jbow

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #93 on: May 27, 2019, 08:18:32 AM »
Hey big mog we haven't heard from you for a while. I hope things are going good for you. Stay strong
mg][/url]

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #94 on: May 29, 2019, 04:05:18 AM »
Thanks jbow, I really appreciate you checking in.
 
TBH I've had a couple more slips in recent days. I'm in the process of picking myself up and trying to get going again. After my 77 day streak I thought I'd be able to almost carry on where I left off but it's been more challenging than I anticipated. (Chaser effect, I guess, and generally out of kilter emotionally for various reasons). There are a few lessons I need to re-learn from this:

keep up with the mindfulness practices to help be aware of what my brain is doing and be able to insert a pause between  thoughts and actions
keep all the protections in place on IT equipment to make access to porn harder (and don't go testing them to see whether they are really effective-that's just an excuse to circumvent them).
Go almost "Monk Mode" by keeping use of ipad etc to a bare minimum. (In fact I'll put it in a cupboard in another room. There are some vital tasks I perform with it, but I may try to find other ways of doing them so I can totally ditch it).
Never stay in the home office after  10:00 pm. No good will come of it.
Journal here and read and comment every couple of days.
Focus on family, hobbies, reading, socializing etc-the good things in life.

It's all pretty obvious stuff really.

Hmm........ I talk a good game but I'm not able to follow through into real-life at the moment. ::)

BTW-thanks to all who have commented here in the last few weeks. (WIPUK, Rex, Jbow , cranm, Jixu, stp15, switched-off-I hope I didn't miss anybody out). It definitely helps, I'll aim to reciprocate.

Keep Trekking everyone!
0 Days Clean

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #95 on: May 31, 2019, 03:17:30 PM »
Reasonable day, not feeling too jaded. A day-out with family went pretty well. I'm grateful that PMO has not completely wrecked my life, but really want to kick it out completely before it does any more damage. I'm just getting over a series of lapses after a good couple of months PMO-free.
I find it hard to believe that my last lapse was only in the small hours of Wednesday morning-it seems like a life-time ago. This a strange trick that the brain plays and I know I (and others) have noted it before.
Keep trekking everyone. Have a PMO-free weekend and fill your life with good (real) things.
Just 1 day clean.

Jbow

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #96 on: June 01, 2019, 08:16:59 AM »
Good job brother. Keep trekking and keep your guard up. That brain if our is pretty damn tricky, it loves that dopamine.
mg][/url]

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #97 on: June 06, 2019, 03:11:40 PM »
Thanks Jbow.
I’m still trekking. A few minor urges and a few ups and downs at work but ...
7 Days Clean

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #98 on: June 15, 2019, 07:58:53 PM »
Thanks for your kind words on my thread.  It is a pleasure trekking with you.  Let's do this friend !

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #99 on: June 19, 2019, 06:53:14 AM »
Thanks for your support Jixu!
So I’m back on the wagon. I had a few days away with some old friends with no possibility of PMO, as I was busy and constantly in company, so that helped take the pressure off me for the a while.
After my recent relapse, I’ve added the routine of reading a section of YBOP website before I start work on most days. It’s kind of reassuring that there is a lot of scientific information on our problem and good ideas on how to break the bad habit. I think with repeated reading the ideas will stick better in my mind and I should be able to apply them when I get triggered. When I’ve had good streaks before it seems to involve doing a little, almost daily reading or research.
Sometimes my lapses or relapses seem to occur when I’ve not been thinking at all about PMO and have let the research and discipline of posting here and mindfulness slip for a few days. Then, when I get triggered I’m unprepared for it. It’s almost as if I have forgotten about the problem so my defences are down.
Anyway I’m 10 Days Clean
Keep trekking everyone.