Author Topic: Day 1  (Read 912 times)

bloom7

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Day 1
« on: June 14, 2018, 12:04:16 AM »
I've been battling porn since I was in the 2nd grade. Its been long and awful and I'm still struggling with it. I watched porn today for the first time in a month. I was doing so good and then I felt the urge to watch and the next thing I knew I was 30 minutes deep into porn. I just feel like I can't control myself when my mind starts to think about it. Currently out of ideas on how to quit.

67reboot

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2018, 06:13:29 AM »
Hey there and welcome, you are in the right place for information and support. How to quit? There are lot of ideas in here, my blog is a journey with my therapist so you can read about what she suggests.

Fore me, facing the ruin of my marriage, quitting has involved the following.

1) Being caught by my wife ... yes the shock / horror / embarrassment / humiliation is a wake up call and motivator.
2) Seeing a sex addiction councillor .. was the start of the road that lead to here.
3) Actively participating in this place and writing a journal, every day, this gives the good side of your brain a daily "jolt".
4) Get fitter .. good work out always helps when you are horny.
5) Stay busy .. They say the devil makes work for idle hands .. its true, start new hobbies get all that stuff done.
6) Don't give up if you relapse .. re-read your journal as to why you want to stop, even discuss in here for support.

Good luck every one in here is rooting for you!

67

bloom7

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 09:21:00 PM »
Thank you for the suggestions and the support. I've felt so alone during all of this, so it's nice to finally have a small community that understands. I hope all is well for you 67Reboot.

Day 2:

Today was good until the end of it. I stayed busy all day trying to keep my mind off of things. At the end of the day I screwed up again. Felt worthless for a couple hours, and now I'm here. What's keeping me going right now is the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day.

My plan is to go into tomorrow confident. I'm going to stay preoccupied all day if I can and hopefully I won't mess up again.

I don't want to be this person that I currently am right now. I want to have control over my life and what goes on in it. I want to feel a sense of joy when I wake up in the morning instead of dread. Tomorrow is a new day. Time to start fighting for the new me.

bloom7

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2018, 03:09:31 PM »
It's been a few days. I've been good since the last time I updated. I'll admit this is very hard and temptation often fills my thoughts, but I'm managing. Progress. I'm having progress.

bloom7

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2018, 11:40:29 PM »
It's day 14 for me. Since my last post I've screwed up once and wanted to a million times more. I've never really opened up to anyone about this stuff...so maybe that's why I'm still stuck in the same place. I tried to open up to my best friend once and I couldn't do it. I mean I got some of my story out but then I saw the look on her face. It was the exact reaction that had prevented me from telling anyone before her and it's the same reason I won't talk to anyone now.

Usually I keep my mind occupied with music, but lately I've been in my head. I haven't even touched my guitar in almost two weeks. I normally play that thing constantly. I usually work out everyday as well but that's not happening either. I feel like doing absolutely nothing.

I'm just so angry. I've never been quick to anger, but lately I feel like it's the only emotion I'm feeling. I know it's because I'm keeping everything bottled up inside, but I can't tell anyone anything. I feel like I can't breathe when I even think about talking to someone about this.

And I'm left here stuck. Don't really know what my next move is going to be. Maybe I just need to run it out. I might try that, but I just really don't know what to do.

Wish me luck.

bob

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2018, 03:11:49 PM »
Bloom,

Remember that you will feel worse before you feel better. Also know that we are thinking of you and hope that you can stay the course. It is the direction you want to go isn't it? You have friends pulling for you and we know that you can succeed.

I would recommend trying to find a counselor that you can talk to. Make sure that it is someone who recognizes this as a problem. It doesn't have to be their specialty. I have gone through quite a few chancellors and finally it clicked. I have even been able to educate this individual of the problem. She at one time recommended someone in her office that had more experience with this type of thing but I went back to her because the "chemistry" was right.

Peace



bloom7

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2019, 10:04:02 PM »
I don't know what day I'm on anymore. It's been a while. I progressed for a month and then started over. Then I progressed for two months and then I started over. Then I went through a rough patch and started over. And now I'm here starting over again. I don't even know if that makes sense, so to sum it up I relapsed a ton and now I'm beginning again.

I feel disappointed and disgusted with myself. I haven't let anyone close to me in on my issue with this, and I plan on never letting anyone in, which is probably only going to make this harder on myself. But, I just don't think I could handle how this would change the way people think of me.

I've thought about letting one of my friends in, but I don't see that going well in any scenario. Maybe I am overthinking it all, but in the end I'd rather just truck it alone than end up having an awkward friendship. But, at the same time if it was someone else in my situation I would tell them to open up to someone because that can do wonders. So, here I am not following my own advice.

I just don't know how I would even bring it up. "Oh yeah wanna know a cool fact about me?" or "okay hear me out...I know this is a lot, but this is my issue." I just don't know. I guess I will wing it if I end up finding the courage to talk to someone in real life.

Well, I guess I'll see what happens there in the future. For now I have one goal and that is to listen to stay clean. I'm going to keep busy and try to change my thought process from bad to clean. Maybe if I can fix that than I will be less likely to relapse.

This is a future note for myself if I end up back here: breathe. Stop thinking, and breathe. You are capable and determined to come out of this, so just breathe.

malando

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2019, 06:03:03 PM »
I can imagine that it would be even harder to admit having a porn addiction as a female. Porn obsession is generally viewed as a male thing (rightly or wrongly). Most women probably have little experience with being addicted to porn themselves, so it's likely they do lack the ability to relate to what a female porn addict might be going through. I can understand why you are reluctant to share this with your friends. But I do think you need support from somewhere. Are you able to access a counsellor of some sort? Or you can chat with people here - we all get it here!

Best regards, M.

bloom7

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2019, 10:45:57 PM »
I think I hit rock bottom about a year ago. Ever since then I've just been chilling here in the dark, stuck. The funny part about it all is that I have the freedom and the ability to leave this dark part of my life, yet stuck I stay. It's like every bone in my body is telling me to choose the better path and walk away from all of this, but I continually listen to the smallest part of me that says do it. Click the button, open the page, give in to temptation. This is the one thing in my life that I feel like I have no control over. I don't know how to deal with it because everything I thought would work hasn't.

At this point I'm honestly just upset with myself. I have a problem, I know I have a problem and I let that problem decide what to do for itself. No matter how many times I tell myself not to do it, I do it. It sounds so easy to just stop and let this all go, yet here I am.

Idk. This is definitely not an obstacle I ever imagined I'd have to battle, but I guess that's just life. I know if I can beat this I'm going to grow immensely as a person, which is why I haven't given up. This is not what I want for myself, and I don't want to carry this further into my life.

What I do know:
-you don't just get stuck by coincidence, you get stuck for a reason. While it may be a bad situation, good can somehow come out of it.
-understanding your problem is your best chance at defeating it.
-you are not alone.
-Just because you have failed in the past does not mean you will fail forever.
-Mistakes suck, but they lead to growth. 

bob

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Re: Day 1
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2019, 06:23:19 PM »
Bloom,

Here are two more

-Guilt and shame work against you on this thing.
-if you don't quit trying, you haven't failed.

There are others that are thinking about you and understand the challenge. Please don't be hard on yourself.