Author Topic: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.  (Read 1637 times)

forhigherthings

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Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« on: November 21, 2017, 09:37:09 AM »
Hello everyone. I have been watching porn since I was 12 years old. I am 23 now and I probably watch porn on average once a week. I'm scared that I can not get this thing under control. I hate that I am subjected to the desires of the flesh when I know it isn't good for me. I often think enviously of my grandparents and even my parents of how they grew up in a time where you had to seek out to buy porn in a physical store and many people would not just because of the shame that would be invoked by having to purchase it face-to-face with the person behind the register. It's hard to live in this day and age as someone who is trying to abstain from porn where I feel like the allure of sex comes to seek you out rather than the other way around. Everything we watch, listen to on the radio, see in store fronts, is so heavily marketed towards selling the idea of sex it can feel overwhelming at times.

I know many of you here won't be religious but I just need to talk about what has been on my mind. I recently got baptized because I am a Christian. I hate what this addiction does to my relationship with God. I can be doing so well and I feel really close to Him and then I relapse and it is like my relationship with Him goes back to square one. And I have no one to blame but myself, because I choose porn over God. It almost brings me to tears just thinking about it.

I read some of the stories on here about how some of you are having ED troubles, not finding your wives attractive anymore, or having to continue to escalate your sexual preferences just to feel something anymore and that both breaks my heart and gives me a great deal of fear that if I don't get it under control that could happen to me. The longest I have gone without PMO has been around 6 months and during that time I felt so much better than I have in a long time. I pray that I will be able to reach that milestone again soon and exceed it.

If at least one person would leave a comment about my post and share their experience it would mean a great deal to me. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I am going to leave you all with a bible verse Romans 7:21

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me."

dusty

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2017, 09:43:05 AM »
Hi, I have pretty the same feelings like you beyond a religion because now I'm quite far from being religious. Anyway I wish you good luck! I am also starting my journal today. Hang in there!

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2017, 09:48:56 AM »
Thank you for the reply. Good luck with your journey as well. I'll pray for you.

Eran91

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2017, 04:54:15 PM »
If you're scared it most likely mean that you are intelligent enough to know that what you are doing is harmful and is getting out of control or have gotten out of control.

I believe it's a good thing you have fear of losing control and that it is something you can use to start working your way out of the behavior which is causing you to be afraid. I and I'm sure many others can relate to what you are writing which means that you are where many others are or have been and that you can become free of this thing like others have.

I'm not religious so what I'm writing here is aimed towards your use of PMO.

Looking forward to seeing you progress. You can do it!

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2017, 07:34:41 AM »
Thank you for the kind words. Best of luck to you as well.

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2017, 07:46:56 AM »
Day 2 for me went by well. I work shift work so my days on I usually only really have time to read my bible for an hour, make lunch, go to work, and sleep when I get home. It is the days when I am not working that are more difficult to get through. I can do it, with God's help and the barriers I have in place. I will overcome this.

AprilRussell

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2017, 02:07:20 AM »
A good one bro. You're very positive and cheerful, that's nice ;D

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2017, 07:46:46 AM »
Day 3 went well. Got up, read my bible for an hour and then headed to work. Today is technically my first day off as I work night shift so the weekend is the tough part to get through. I think that these daily journals will really help me in my journey to abstain from this habit/addiction. I take Spanish in a night course at a local University and I have a test tomorrow so I will be studying for that as soon as I get up. Today was a good day.

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2017, 05:56:14 AM »
Day 4 seemed to go okay today. Didn't think about or watch any porn today so that makes 4 days free. I need to do a better job of making reading of my bible a higher priority in the mornings though to help get me through the day. There are many things I would like to get better at in life, and developing a closer relationship to God should always be a top priority. I look forward to another porn free day tomorrow.

Psalms 8:3-4

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers. The moon and the stars, which you have set in place. What is man that you are mindful of him? And the son of man that you care for him?

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2017, 05:09:30 AM »
Wow, day 5 already! Didn't think about pornography at all really I don't think. I feel like if you don't make the time for it, ie. keeping yourself busy, it is much harder for temptation to set in. I read my bible this morning and meditated on a verse in Psalms. Changed the lock ring on my fuel pump on my car today so I didn't have a lot of time to do much. I think tomorrow I will make a nice meal for myself, practice Spanish, and get ready for my days on shift again. Every day is a blessing.

The verse I meditated on today is familiar to me but I always love going back to read it.

Psalms 139: 13

For you formed my innermost being;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well

Stay strong everyone.

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2017, 03:32:04 AM »
Day 6 went by well. Didn't do a whole lot today but that's okay. I didn't watch porn or think about it again which is nice. I think for me, it's like day 13 where it gets tough and the temptation is more strong. Going to church tomorrow and then headed back to work. See you on day 7

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2017, 08:02:11 AM »
Day 7! That was an easy week. I have to be careful to not let my guard down though. I feel like once you let your guard down that is when temptation rears its head. As long as I keep reading my bible and looking to God for help nothing can stop me. Goodnight all.

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2017, 07:16:05 AM »
Another day down. Day 8 complete. Work went well today so that always makes the day go by easier. My relationship with God is what keeps me going and a hope for a future where I rely purely on him for my needs. That's all I need. See you tomorrow.

forhigherthings

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2017, 10:48:53 AM »
I failed on day 8...

Not much to say other than I am extremely disappointed in myself. I thought I could do better. My relationship with God has also been damaged yet again as I continue to fall into sin and turn away for him. As much as this is a dark time I look forward to overcoming my previous tiny streak of only 8 days. Good luck to everyone.

Proverbs 8:17

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me.

Nofap901

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2017, 11:18:38 AM »
Hey man, keep your head up after relapsing. Try to learn from it. Here's a vid that really helped me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ro7KPwhHKQ

Make this next streak the best one yet!

dusty

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2017, 12:14:10 PM »
It's a success to reach 8 days and next streak will be surely longer and what is important - easier, really. Can I give you one tip? Perhaps beyond faith in God you should also believe in yourself. Combine these two powers :) Good luck man.

snehagupta

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UsualMood

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2018, 10:27:27 PM »
First Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

snehagupta

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
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UsualMood

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Re: Honestly, I'm scared. My first Journal Entry.
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