Author Topic: Back On The Wagon: 2  (Read 16093 times)

bob

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #350 on: November 13, 2018, 02:50:48 PM »
The whole 90 day thing is a useful initial target but is no guarantee for cure.


I agree. It has to be a change in lifestyle.



aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #351 on: November 13, 2018, 03:50:48 PM »
That is a great perspective! Lifestyle change!

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #352 on: November 18, 2018, 03:10:48 PM »
Day 113

Really tired today - put a lot of work into a meal I cooked for some friends last night, but didn't get to sleep til 1am and then woke up at 7.

I'm partly posting because I know I'm easily tempted when tired. This is a form of accountability.

Things have otherwise been good. Work is busy but productive. Lots of other stuff going on.

Hope all is well with you all.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

bob

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #353 on: November 18, 2018, 03:58:12 PM »
You are an inspiration to all of us.



PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #354 on: November 23, 2018, 09:01:25 AM »
Again, posting for self preservation as I'm home alone and tired! Old me would have made the most of a lazy day in the house, but I'm done with that. Even though the temptation is still there, lurking away. Never get complacent.

Today is day 118.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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Edit_undo

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #355 on: November 24, 2018, 08:02:07 AM »
Well done PE30. You have had quite a journey and I’m encouraged by it. I find the temptation to use or peek lessens (yes, lurks in the background but less). Now the recovery part is how I perceive and handle images and real life encounters. Sounds like you are doing great, keep it up.

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #356 on: November 26, 2018, 04:40:33 PM »
Yes, the temptation does lessen. I just need to keep doing the things that keep me away from it. Draw deep on God's love, embrace my family, work hard, rest well, try not to be either too hard on myself or too lax.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #357 on: November 26, 2018, 04:41:04 PM »
Today is day 121 by the way.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #358 on: November 30, 2018, 12:10:15 PM »
Today is day 125. I had a minor moment of temptation earlier in the week after getting into a very brief conversation with a woman on the train. But it didn't lead anywhere. Shyness is a blessing sometimes. Ridiculous how one's mind ends up wandering, even when in the cold light of day you realise how daft you're being!

Week has been okay, but pretty busy. Glad it's the weekend.

Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #359 on: December 08, 2018, 04:14:10 PM »
I make it day 133

I had a horrible relapse dream the other night: like a dream within a dream. Took me ages to realise I hadn't actually relapsed.

Life is still busy but good. Just checking in to say I'm still going strong.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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allthelights

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #360 on: December 08, 2018, 05:42:37 PM »
You are not your dreams and your dreams are not reality!  Good work on sticking it through.

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #361 on: December 13, 2018, 01:53:39 PM »
Just checking in on day 138. I'll make time for a fuller post in time, but all is well and I'm still clean.
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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #362 on: December 17, 2018, 05:25:31 AM »
It's day 142. Just worked out that Christmas day will be day 150!

Am posting really because I'm aware that this is the sort of time when I'm tempted to relapse. I've had a busy few months and I'm approaching a lull where there's not so much work on.

I went out for my work Christmas do on Friday and I must admit that I found it a little difficult/ triggering in the evening due to lots of fairly attractive women being out in the bar where we were. I didn't cross any lines and I didn't ogle, but it wasn't the ideal environment for me. So much of this battle is about admitting your weaknesses. I don't think it would be sensible for me to spend much time in bars (mind you, it's not like I go out loads!) And it's also important that I make a mental note to myself in that situation. It's too easy to indulge a fantasy even in the most fleeting of moments.

Still clean, still battling on. Thank you for all your support over the past few months. I need to take stock and remember how far I've come since some dark days earlier in the year.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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bob

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #363 on: December 17, 2018, 07:11:48 AM »
Amazing. You are doing great, an inspiration to all.

Peace



aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #364 on: December 17, 2018, 12:04:19 PM »
You are doing great and I think it is so wise of you to notice and admit where the weaknesses are. Remember to make a plan now for when you encounter that weak area again. Is it to send a text to your wife checking in? What ever it is, maybe even just a mantra to say, have something handy as a plan so that you can feel even stronger in the future. You have so much to be proud of  and thankful for going into a new year! Congrats on all your progress!

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #365 on: December 24, 2018, 12:09:42 PM »
Day 149. Tomorrow will be day 150.

It's been such a tough year - there have been times where I have genuinely felt like I couldn't go on. Nevertheless I'm still here, I'm fighting on, and (assuming I make it to the end of the year) I will have spent about ten and a half months of 2018 clean of chat rooms (in two stretches), and just under consecutive eleven months of 2018 clean of porn.

Onwards we go.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #366 on: December 24, 2018, 02:12:35 PM »
That is awesome progress!!! May 2019 be filled with more upward progress and joy! Merry Christmas

changemylife

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #367 on: December 25, 2018, 04:20:37 PM »
Day 149. Tomorrow will be day 150.

It's been such a tough year - there have been times where I have genuinely felt like I couldn't go on. Nevertheless I'm still here, I'm fighting on, and (assuming I make it to the end of the year) I will have spent about ten and a half months of 2018 clean of chat rooms (in two stretches), and just under consecutive eleven months of 2018 clean of porn.

Onwards we go.

When you feel like you can't go on, remember that you've made it to day 150 so you could definitely do it. You can go another round of 100 days as well.

bob

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #368 on: December 25, 2018, 05:40:24 PM »
More power to you in the quest for freedom!

Peace



PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #369 on: December 31, 2018, 04:29:27 AM »
It's the last day of the year. And you know what? I think this is the first time in a while that I've ended the year still on a good run. It's day 156, which is approaching the high water mark I made between February and June - obviously this is only the beginning of a continued life of discipline.

I've got a lot to be grateful for, looking back at the last year. I have spend the majority of the year clean, save for a relapse in July. My relationship with my wife and family is at its strongest. I have survived seven months of a challenging secondment in my role, and am using resources that I didn't think I had. I have been digging into God's word, to seeking him in everything. My health is good and I can feel the benefit of having had a few days' annual leave.

Every so often I have dreams that I've relapsed in some way. As horrendous as they are, they remind me how miserable a relapse is, and how much better life is when I fix my eyes on things that are good and healthy. I think I've also realised that I can go to better places when I'm bored, stressed, weary or ill. I don't need to fall back on old habits, and I don't need to false validation of a chat room to survive.

Anyway, I'd like to wish you all a happy new year. Thank you for all your kind words (and challenging words), for your prayers, and for walking with me in this battle in 2018. I'm aiming for a 100% clean 2019, but that's a target that's reached through daily decisions and continued vigilance.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #370 on: January 06, 2019, 04:40:00 PM »
Day 162

No significant temptation over the past few days but my goodness, I've felt lousy about myself. I'm not sure what the root cause is but I keep beating myself up verbally for making stupid mistakes. Like, the other day I was trying to help my daughter make a robot for her school project and I just couldn't get it to work. Ended up in tears, feeling so stupid that I couldn't make a success of it. Just wish I liked myself more. I really struggle.

Work is pretty stressful too. Just need to keep on with everything that I'm doing and not be overwhelmed.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

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aquarius25

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #371 on: January 08, 2019, 10:09:30 AM »
I get feeling down and being hard on yourself but I want to remind you of something. You have made amazing progress!!!! Look at where you were and where you are today! You did something right for sure! You made a big changed that will forever impact your kids in a positive way! The fact that you were helping with the science project in the first place instead of withdrawing from your family to go look at pron is way better than actually having a working project anyway. Seriously! Her science project is one small moment in time, you spending time with her, that is priceless. You are a different person, be proud of that. We all have bad days but don't let that shake you too much because you are doing great! Celebrate that!

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #372 on: January 11, 2019, 05:34:25 AM »
Thanks aquarius. It's difficult to stay positive sometimes but I'm fighting away for the sake of my family.

This is day 167 and I believe that I'm now into my longest ever clean streak. Feel like I need to knuckle down and get through the next few weeks as it'd be easy to get complacent or think that I can reward myself. I know how awful failure feels, and I'm trying to use that as part of my motivation to stay clean and well.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

PE30

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #373 on: January 20, 2019, 02:00:30 PM »
Today is day 176. I'm posting here as my usual means of killing temptation even though I'm tired, I'm going to be alone this evening and it's been a week since my wife and I slept together (nothing terrible has happened between us, it's just been a combination of evening commitments and tiredness).

I feel slightly knocked by the news that someone else I follow on here has relapsed, but I hope he gets back to a good streak again. I know how bad a relapse feels and I can't let myself go down that road. Onwards and upwards! Aiming for the six month mark in a few days' time.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

imaquitter

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Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« Reply #374 on: January 20, 2019, 05:10:41 PM »
You are certainly encouraging me. I have not relapsed yet on my second attempt, but have been really close several times. But like you said to another one of our brothers, "remember how strong you are now!" All added up we are getting stronger every day and our combined forces are changing the world!
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from 10. feb 19