Author Topic: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective  (Read 1235 times)

Firstbigstep

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Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« on: October 20, 2017, 01:38:25 AM »
Hi ladies.

This is a really difficult topic for me, which is why this seems to be the perfect place to discuss it.

I had a tremendous 3 1/2 year relationship with an amazing woman which ended in a pretty harsh fashion on her part some 5 or 6 years ago.

We've kept in touch and still see each other most months for a drink. She knows that I still love her despite the fact that she left me for someone else (who she's still with despite his domineering and controlling behaviour)

I stayed at her house on Wednesday night (as I have on a number of other occasions) as I had an early start the next morning 10 minutes from her house.

We were discussing the "me too" campaign after a couple of drinks and she was particularly vehement about the issues it highlights.

It came as a horrific shock to hear her say that she had been raped by a powerful work colleague. Not only that, but the timing ties in with both her finishing with me and the start of some of her self destructive behaviour and self chastisement. I realise now that it was about this time that I first heard her saying something I've heard hundreds of times since: "I'm a terrible person"

I've met the guy concerned.

I'm also devastated by the fact that we had talked of moving in together, having a life together, being together. I can't help but think that this assault has been at the root of a lot of things and may have had deep impacts on all of us involved.

What should I do? How do I move on - I'm devastated by the news, I want to rip the guy's head off, I'm heartbroken that someone I love has a) been through the horror of the incident b) has carried it inside for 6 years (she's not told anyone else) c) feels that she is responsible "I should have fought him off harder, I snogged him, I was drunk"

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm in bits.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

Gracie

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Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2017, 07:26:40 AM »
I do not know where ou live, but if a sexual assault center is nearby, encourage her t go talk to someone there.   You can go there and talk to someone about how to help her and how to help yourself.  Do not assume this event was the sole cause of the relationship going down a different path.

Sexual assault r harassment in the news can be very triggering.  It was for me not because I am a "me too" although I am, but becuase my husband's porn addiction to me highlights the "man entitlement to young women and all women" mind set.

aquarius25

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Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2017, 02:23:25 PM »
I would echo what Gracie says. Encourage her to talk to someone and get help to process this. I know you are upset but remember she is the one who experienced this horrific experience allow her to decide how she wants to handle it. You can't force a person to healing, they have to get there on their own choosing all you can do is be supportive and compassionate. I think porn addiction is the perfect example of that.

This me too thing was really triggering for me. As I reflected on thw times I experienced harassment and assult (yes more than once) what really bothered me was the fact that some of it came from my husband. He isn't an agrissive guy. He had never assulted me, but he is responsible for a form of harassment and I do believe porn was a big part of that. It really is sad.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2017, 11:46:55 PM »
Thank you both for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

Obviously I am, if you like, collateral damage here. I realise that, on re reading my post, it sounds like I'm more worried about me than her. That is definitely not the case. I'm experiencing nothing compared to what she is going through.

She too has experienced harassment and some kind of sexual assault within her (now defunct) marriage. I think the "me too" campaign will make a lot of guys look at their own behaviour. Sadly, many of those who don't will be the ones who should.

I am trying to find a local centre where I can talk to someone about how best to help her and help myself to deal with this situation. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again for your support and compassion.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

aquarius25

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Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2017, 09:14:27 AM »
It sounds like you are in a good head space. I thinking seeking support for yourself and her, is the best thing you can do. Also, I would connect and talk with her. Ask her what she needs and tell her that you care. Honestly, empathy, compassion, those are all things that help everyone recover.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Guy looking for some advice from the female perspective
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2017, 04:54:58 AM »
I’m sorry to hear about your ex partner’s experience. The #MeToo campaign also made me revisit my own history. It took me 14 years from my experience of being sexually assaulted by a gang at the age of 13 to pick up the phone and call the rape crisis line. The trigger for me was a similar case in the news which brought it all back. It’s never too late to seek help.

Such an event can have a lasting effect. Obviously for me, what I went through at a very young age had a big impact on my development. I became “rebellious” but in truth I was in great distress and suffering in silence. The authority figures in my life had let me down and I couldn’t really trust anyone. I’m not surprised that your ex partner fell into self destructive behaviours and even fell for a man like you describe.

The obvious solution is for her to find a sympathetic ear from someone who understands what women go through when something like this has happened. A helpline is a good place to start. They are probably best equipped to suggest where she could go from there. Individual therapy would be ideal but the person has to be ready to confront the experience, and that may take time.

I hope you both find peace in all of this.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it