Author Topic: Clown Loach Journal  (Read 972 times)

Clown Loach

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Clown Loach Journal
« on: September 17, 2017, 01:21:13 PM »
Day 7

Today was the most difficult in this new and current attempt to improve myself.  By 'improve myself', I mean (primarily) remove pornography and excessive masturbation from my life.

Additionally, I am also cutting down on alcohol.  I live in central Europe, where beer is both very cheap and very very good, so over the past few years I've found myself drinking daily (particularly in the evenings, to escape work pressure and the like).  I really enjoy a beer, so my rule is to not drink at home, only in cafes, pubs, and restaurants (places I go to with increasing infrequency).

However, the true aim is to remove pornography from my life.  I have attempted many times before, my longest streak being over 60-days.   I am really sick of it, and - having spent the past three years reading about the negative effects of too much pornography use - I am fully on board with notion that removing porn will be a positive for me.

Certainly, I have erectile disfunction.  A relationship with a very nice woman recently went pear-shaped, owing - in part - to my erectile problems (certainly the loss of sensation due to masturbation). 

In the past I have attempted more serious, dare-I-say pretentious NoFap/Reboot-Nation journals, but not this time: this will be a no pressure (in terms of my fretting over not meeting a daily journal quota), warts and all, simple account of my latest reboot attempt (and reducing my booze intake).

The reason why I am writing my first entry on Day 7 is because this is the first in which I have felt the need to write.  I woke up groggy and 'hungry' in the head.  I feel most of you will know what I mean by this: as if our bodies are lacking something, and 'need it'.  I also felt queasy for most of the day.  As such, it's not been the best day.  Onwards and upwards.

Now single, for the next three months - until the end of 2017 - I plan to dedicate myself to being a better person.  Concentrating on rebooting, but also getting healthier, working hard, taking each day at a time, and trying to be as focussed as possible.

To whomever has read this opening entry: I thank you.

Marcopolo

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Re: Clown Loach Journal
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2017, 07:33:39 PM »
Glad to hear you are back at It! Wish you the best!

RealityCheck

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Re: Clown Loach Journal
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2017, 10:23:58 AM »
Hi Clown Loach,

Congratulations on taking control of your life!

I believe you will achieve your goals because of your positive attitude.  One of my favorite things about rebooting is that every day we stay clean, it is progress, and our physical brains are healthier and make us better lovers.  Let's keep fighting!

Clown Loach

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Re: Clown Loach Journal
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2017, 11:57:04 AM »
To Marcopolo and RealityCheck, thank you very much for your words of support.  I truly appreciate, and I would like to offer you both the very best for your own battle with PMO.

Day 9

OK, so I fell at the ninth day hurdle this evening.  Not with PMO, I am happy to say, but with alcohol at home.  I am experiencing some serious withdrawals, more so than I ever have previously, and I was unable to concentrate on some important work.  I think removing both alcohol and PMO is too much in one go.  And whilst I am ADDICTED to pornography/masturbation, I am not to alcohol.  So: I will be cold turkey/hard mode with PMO, yet I will only reduce alcohol for the next month or so.  My fear is that going cold turkey on both will lead me to watching pornography, which I wish to avoid most of all.

Anyhow, the withdrawals scared me a little, so this points to the fact that I need to more vigilant.

As ever: thanks for reading.

Clown Loach.

Clown Loach

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Re: Clown Loach Journal
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2017, 12:48:41 PM »
Day 11

Well, the number of days on my personal counter have reached double digits.  This always seems like an achievement for me - a sign that all is going well.

Or, this is usually the case.  Actually, I am on high-alert as it is usually around Day 10/11/12/13 that I founder and fap to this and that.  The fact the weekend is nearing is not too convenient, as I have lots of work to do at home (and on my computer too!). 

In terms of mood and similar, I do not have much to report.  I am coasting at the moment, with no real urges.  Indeed, I feel very little, good or bad.  No high or low moods; no penile activity; no brain fog/depression; no particular change in motivation.  Yet, despite all this, I also do not feel unhappy - this should at least be seen as a positive.

Clown Loach

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Re: Clown Loach Journal
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2017, 02:42:39 PM »
Day 13

A strange one today.

I was disturbed during the night, owing to some stomach problems (not PMO related).  Perhaps both this disturbed sleep, as well as withdrawals, put me in the strange mood, yet today - to put it simply - was wholly categorised by what I can only label as a 'zombie' state.

Does any reader of this post know what I mean by this?

Some characteristics to further describe what I mean: slow to get up; no real desire to get out of bed (I would have been quite content to lay there all day, and I am certainly a 'morning person'); only showered mid-afternoon; no real desire to go outside; walking around my apartment with a vague idea of what I wanted to accomplish; forgetting things one moment to the next; and, most strange for me, I had a nap in the day (and enjoyed it) - this is perhaps only the second/third mid-afternoon nap I've had in my life. 

Too be honest, I have quite enjoyed the lazy day, as the fact I seem to have spent the majority of this Saturday's hours doped has stopped me from stressing and fretting about the mundane, insignificant, peculiarities of life.

To summarise: certainly some significant changes are happening - I just hope that I can get some shit done tomorrow.