Author Topic: Lost in Darkness  (Read 11030 times)

DavidRI

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #50 on: February 01, 2017, 05:58:17 AM »
Gentleman, I am on my 48th day of my reboot (thought I did backslide 4 days of the 48).  Even with the 4 days of relapse, these 48 days have been a wonderful time of virtual sexual sobriety. 

I want to underscore something that really advanced my progress - I stopped "edging"; that is, fondling or playing with myself when I would get aroused, though never so much where I have an orgasm.  Or, as the word suggests, to the edge of orgasm.  I thought edging was a relatively safe behavior, until I read a post on Reboot Nation that described the activity and named it (i.e. edging).  A light went off!

It was about 10 days ago that I stopped edging and it has made a huge difference.  I cannot overstate it.  The frequency of having daily fantasies or thinking about sex or past sexual experiences dropped significantly.  Other than starting my reboot, discovering what edging was and stopping it was the biggest leap forward during my 48-day-long reboot. 

Anyway, I thought I would pass that bit if information along. 

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #51 on: February 02, 2017, 07:47:15 AM »
Booyah!!!!!

Day 2 at last.  I think the key word is "free".  Do I choose, day  by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute to be free?  I am free of this right now and I am thrilled.  545AM, and stopped here before the gym.  Write more later.

Peace and Love
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #52 on: February 03, 2017, 09:29:16 AM »
Day 3, Rockin and Rollin.

If people have been responding, I have not yet taken time to read.  My apologies.  Will do on Saturday.

Now comes, I think, the most dangerous time.  From what I have read, the first two weeks are the time when the craving for dopamine from my brain will be most intense.  This is where my 90 day commitment is really important.  The second thing to remember is my freedom.  I have always thought that freedom is my #1 value.  Well, now is the time that will be tested.  Am I willing to be free of this drug addiction?  It is up to me, second by second. 

Truth is I am sick of my hand.  No more!  I am reminded of a movie line, where a man mistakenly walks into the woman's bathroom to pee.  As he is standing over the toilet relieving himself, a woman walks in and says: Sir, this is for women only.  To which he replies, waving his dick, "so is this, but every now and again I have to pass a little water through it".  My point is that I have a commitment:  My dick is for women only.  No more porn!!!

Peace and love.
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #53 on: February 04, 2017, 10:51:43 AM »
Onto Day 4.

I am inspired by many others here who have had success Firstbigstep, TK-421, Honest John, William and more.  Yesterday was difficult.  I am in that place where I have this time, and don't know what to do with it.  Or my choices of what to do with it are unappealing.  I got great news yesterday, I got final ink on a deal that will provide me with cash flow for the next 6 months.  I have runway and breathing room.  I celebrated a little.  But I had a hard time with this.  My thoughts ran wild. 

This morning I am happy I have made it to day 4, but I feel like I have a weight on me.  Maybe I should go back to sleep.  Or I can go to the gym.  I have some work to do that I have been putting off for days.  That is eating at me.  My rent is due and I don't have cash.  I will get it paid with the new client, but it will be easily 2 weeks late and I have to deal with the bullshit. 

Last night I went dancing and saw my previous girlfriend.  We danced and I enjoyed her, but she ended up leaving quickly, emotionally, I think because she was looking for something that I can't give right now.  We are intensely physically attracted to one another.  I hate the complexity of life.  Maybe that is why I PMO.  Life hurts.  When I was a kid, my idol was Mr. Spock.  Be purely logical, and avoid all emotion.  I feel like  crying.  I hate feeling. 

In one of the Superman movies, General Zod comes to earth and can't stand hearing all the input from his super senses.  That is how I feel.  The world feels like pain to me.  I am reminded of something Jane said in one of her web videos where she talked about her "Pain Body".  I looked up the term.  Here is what I found.  Tolle: The pain-body is my term for the accumulation of old emotional pain that almost all people carry in their energy field. I see it as a semi-autonomous psychic entity. It consists of negative emotions that were not faced, accepted, and then let go in the moment they arose.  Yep, that would be it.  I feel that pain.

This is actually why I chose Batman as my avatar.  Batman is brooding.  Notice his posture, and his head slightly bowed.  He always looks like he is carrying a burden.  He is the Dark Knight.  His world is dark.  He fights in the dark against maniacs, against chaos and havoc.

I am tired and sad.  Sometimes I think we age because of all the shit we pick up throughout our life.  We start pure.  Not original sin.  Original perfection and bliss.  Innocence.  Inexperience.  Wonder.  Faith.  Hope.  Then the world burdens us.  Take the whole concept of original sin.  Let's take a perfect little creature and burden them with the belief there is something inherently wrong with them.  What a crock of shit.  I know, I know, what does this have to do with being here?  It has to do with the darkness of the world and why I escape.

In 5 minutes I will leave for the gym and one hour from now I will not feel this way.  I will do my best to get stronger to fight against the chaos in my life.  I will do my best to fight this goddam addiction.  I have become a dopamine addict through no fault of my own.  That is the reality of it.  I will spend my hour in the gym and become Batman.  I will become stronger emotionally and physically.  Then I will face the world.  Others will see me heroic.  I will see myself doing the best I can in the darkness. 

Okay.  To the gym.  Time to don the cape.
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

Firstbigstep

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #54 on: February 05, 2017, 07:21:46 AM »
All fair points.

But....

We have choices.

We can choose to be burdened by our past issues or we can use the strength of the collective experience in a forum like this to armour ourselves against the temptation and challenges that life throws in our way.

Thank you for the name check but I'm only where I am in my reboot thanks to the combined strength of so many people here, both rebooters and their partners.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

TK-421

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #55 on: February 06, 2017, 01:43:16 PM »
TJRL,

Thanks for the shout out, I'm glad you may have found something useful in my journal.

Keep at this.  Read as much as you can and post regularly.  You are in the early days of a reboot and it is common to feel all the highs/lows and not be sure what is going on.  One thing I've learned is that good news or a high (like the news you got regarding the deal) can lead to temptation as easily as bad news.  Learn about the compulsion and your own thoughts and behaviours.  Don't focus as much on the number of days as on the thoughts/feelings that lead you back to compulsive behavours.  It is important to string some time together to get some perspective on what is actually happening in your brain.  Approach this problem with a true sense of curiosity.  I've found it helpful to try to separate my compulsive behaviours from my "true self" and actually see myself as a sick person who needs to get well.  Be curious about what has happened to you and what you need to do to get healthy.

Wishing you success.

TK-421
I never use porn or masturbate Now.  I am in charge of my life.

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #56 on: February 06, 2017, 10:54:17 PM »
Day 5 Relapsed.  Sorry my friends.  That said, I am not giving up.  This is too important.

I was going to write some excuses here for why, but frankly it is very simple.  My brain needed a dopamine fix.  William says that porn addiction is a "chameleon".  That is how it started for me the last couple of days.  I learned that when you choose not to use porn, your brain will look for other things of interest to get you going.  It may be something very simple, like running across an ad for dresses, or seeing something sexy in a video.  Something very innocent can suddenly become a trigger.  For me, then, that trigger led me down the rabbit hole for hours - about 7 the last 2 days.

In reading William I learned something else.  I was right to commit to 90 days.  And it is all about controlling my thoughts.  It is not just the porn that drives my dopamine up.  If I have sexual/hypersexual thoughts, then those can give me the same rush.  I literally must avert my eyes, if you will, from sexual thoughts.  I have only limited control of triggers.  Over the years I have learned a lot about how to bypass controls.  I can install K-9 or Freedom software, but it is only so good.  I can't not see a sexy girl in Starbucks or a picture of Superbowl cheerleaders.  What I must do is control where my mind drifts when I do.  William talks about watching "The Great Porn Experiment" video 40 times in his first 80 days.  Substitute anything for porn. 

You know, I was thinking about something earlier today as I was relapsing.  What if I spent every hour of sex fantasy instead in a fantasy about my business, or my family's future, or investments, or learning physics?  Where might I be today?

The good news is that I am doing this by myself, for myself.  I want a better life.

Peace and Love

Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #57 on: February 14, 2017, 11:29:35 AM »
My Apologies to Firstbigstep for posting on his journal about my results.  Still learning how this works.

Day 4 success. Very excited.  I told someone something yesterday.  Being an addict is absolutely unacceptable to me.  I am willing to break the rules and be a scoundrel in many ways, but I am not willing to be an addict.

Peace and Love
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

Firstbigstep

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #58 on: February 14, 2017, 02:26:15 PM »
Hey, no problem!

It's not always the easiest thing to navigate around in the early days!

Good news on your progress.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #59 on: February 16, 2017, 09:54:00 AM »
Day 6!!! 

Must admit days 4 and 5 were bad.  I made it through, but barely.  Now onto day 6, feel great this morning.  Really taking it easy on myself.   A lot like one day at a time thinking.  And I heard something yesterday from Jane Michaels VLOG.  Early on it doesn't matter what you are doing.  As long as you are not fappng, you are doing well.

This is the longest I have been PMO free in at least 3 years and maybe longer.  LOL, I remember once maybe 5 or 6 years ago I went 10 days or so.

Okay, busy work day ahead.  Thank you all, especially those I have not responded to, for your support. 

Peace and Love
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #60 on: February 17, 2017, 03:43:26 PM »
Day 7!!!

Stress the last 24 hours, but managed it well.  I think some of the benefits are starting to kick in.  A little self confidence, a little more time, a little more energy.  This is all good. 

I can tell I am going to have to better manage stress and this energy.  Feels a little like too much coffee.

Work is easier.  Less fighting with myself.  Just do it is working. 

Thank you all for being here.  I will respond to any posts on the weekend.

Peace and Love
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #61 on: February 20, 2017, 11:51:47 AM »
Day 10!!!

Holy Crap.  I made it to 10 days.  Too busy over the weekend to post.  My apologies again to those who have commented.  I will get back shortly.

Thank you all for being here. 

Peace and Love
Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

OldSoldier66

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #62 on: February 21, 2017, 05:14:55 AM »
Keep up the good work.  I read a piece here on the 'front page' that pointed out that going off PMO will manifest physical symptoms of depression.  Knowledge is power.

Firstbigstep

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #63 on: February 21, 2017, 11:51:46 AM »
Excellent progress - keep it up!

One thing I've noticed is that there is a strong temptation (for me, at least) to replace one piece of self destructive behaviour (PMO ing) with another. In my case, I've been hitting the booze a bit more than is probably sensible.

But as Old Soldier 66 points out, knowledge IS power. I know I can go without booze, no problem. I'm just going through a lot of changes at once right now and, where once my porn habit would have been my safe, cozy pool of warm light space, I don't have anywhere as yet that feels like that. It'll  come with time.

So, my message here is just to watch out for things that are not exactly POrn subs, but may try to replace your porn habit with another.

Keep at it - you sound like you're having way more fun than me!

I'm not jealous, really I'm not.......!  ;)

I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #64 on: February 23, 2017, 11:03:22 AM »
Days 11 and 12 relapsed.  I gave myself permission.  It was a conscious act.  I got some pics from my girlfriend that turned me on and I justified it as my girlfriend.

Today is tough.  I know logically it is the addiction talking, but it really sounds like me.  Yesterday afternoon was lost in depression and fog for hours.  And the pleasure of the PMO feels so real - I guess because it is

It really is a question of how I want to live my life.  Do I want to live my fucked up life to date, getting this rush from fantasies and my hand, or do I want reality?  Am I willing to commit to change my life?  Do I want the real girl?  Do I want the ED behind me?

I have so much opportunity right now in front of me.  And, given my age, this may be the last one that comes in front of me.  I cannot waste it.  My sons are counting on me.  My daughter is counting on me.  My girlfriend is counting on me.  My business associates are counting on me.  I must change how I live my life.

Again, my apologies to those who have commented and I have not responded.

Peace and Love





Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

Firstbigstep

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #65 on: February 23, 2017, 06:19:51 PM »
TJRL.

You KNOW the decision you have to make.

I missed porn like crazy for around 45 days, on and off. But now, 120 days (ish) in, I don't miss porn and I get aroused by far more innocent things. It's great! Erections without guilt!

C'mon out of the fog, look at what's at stake and make the choice you know you should.

We are all right here with you. Just decide once and stick with it.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

OldSoldier66

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #66 on: February 23, 2017, 08:14:17 PM »
I know there's a purpose in swearing off PMO, but part of me wonders if you're hitting your shit to your significant other, is that bad??  Serious question here, because isn't PMO sort of a barrier to being aroused by the one you are with? 

Seriously - if I'm missing something, please educate me.

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #67 on: April 08, 2017, 09:12:00 AM »
I had to take 6 weeks and be lost in darkness again.  I had to rediscover the cost of my addiction.  I had to reaffirm my addiction.  I have changed my name to TimtheAddict to affirm that.  Step 1:  Admitted we are powerless and our lives had become unmanageable.

Yesterday morning at 6AM started with a simple jerk, and ended at 1AM in utter exhaustion.  Woke up this morning with a hangover.  I know I am better than this.  I am tired of my hand and porn.  I am reminded of the story from your brain on porn with the beetle copulating with a beer bottle.  According to Jeremy Bennett, 96% of our actions are programmed.  I have programmed myself to fuck a laptop.  Time to change the program.

Thank you all for being here.

Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

TimtheAddict

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #68 on: April 11, 2017, 08:04:07 AM »
Day 4.  This morning feeling the withdrawal.  My skin is crawling.  Woke up fitfully.  It has been coming on more strongly for the last 24 hours.  Hard to work yesterday.  A voice in my head said that if I would just jerk off, all the anxiety and pain would go away, but I see that for what it is: the dopamine talking.  I need a fix.  I have to remember this is equivalent of coming off cocaine.  Like William said, I need to almost enjoy the withdrawal.  I need to feel this in my body and accept the feeling. 

I was thinking yesterday that it is like being cold.  I have been a skier and skied in the bitter cold.  It is something you accept.  You accept the discomfort as just a small part of the bigger thing you enjoy.  I need to look at withdrawal the same way, and not make it more than it is.

Funny thing I noticed yesterday is that my pants kept falling down.  Before I was consciously aware, I would push my pants down.  Then I would immediately catch myself and pull them back up.

One thing I am doing differently now is no edging.  I am keeping my mind off of sexual thoughts and I am not playing with my dick.  I thought that I could still fantasize and jerk, but not orgasm.  After a few days off porn, I can do that easily.  But that always leads to orgasm.  Then one to the next, and soon I am thinking it would be nice to look at a little porn again.  Then it is off to the races.

Today is day 4 of no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm, no fantasies and no playing with my dick.  I will let my skin crawl, and make it through my day.



Virile, Fit and Responsible, One Day at a Time

NewMe48

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Re: Lost in Darkness
« Reply #69 on: April 27, 2017, 01:14:19 PM »
This book on Audible was very helpful to me called "Feels Like Redemption - The Pilgrimage to Health and Healing"
It was written by a recovering porn addict and combines meditation, psychology, and Christian philosophy.
Highly recommended:
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1493283003&sr=8-1&keywords=feels+like+redemption