Author Topic: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover  (Read 10621 times)

Gracie

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #25 on: November 08, 2016, 06:00:59 AM »
It is the nicest thing.  To see their personality come back  and see them again!  Good for you! Celebrate every victory you feel,   The book will let you see both sides of this addiction.  However, it does not give guys a pass.  We discussed a lot. While reading.  We also let each other know when something did not apply to us.  As in one person. 

You are on the way!

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2016, 02:52:16 PM »
I read "Love you, Hate the Porn" and the book has opened my eyes. I love it and Cody is going to start reading it now that I'm done.

Also Cody has been making a lot of progress. He opened up to me last night! I was SO over the moon. He opened up about sex and how he sometimes is embarrassed if we are having sex when he is tired, and he sometimes goes soft after having sex with me so intensely. I told him I didn't care about that and that I love him and the sex we have is great.

I am possibly starting treatment for my eating disorder later this week and I am terrified. I still have so many triggers that cause me to restrict. It's been really tough, but reading the book above really helped me.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #27 on: November 17, 2016, 01:34:44 PM »
Hey that's so great that you've the book helpful and that he's opening up more. That's one area that seems to be especially hard for men in general and for porn addicts even more so, so I feel that's a really good sign.

Have you started treatment? I hope everything is going well for you individually too, you've been very quiet recently.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #28 on: November 20, 2016, 10:12:32 AM »
Yeah I started this past week and I LOVE the place. I am really freaking out about my body because I've got my period and I'm going through refeeding so it's hell. But that is why I haven't been on, I have been SO busy I haven't picked up my laptop all week until now.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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malando

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #29 on: November 20, 2016, 11:03:24 AM »
Glad you like the place, Anna. Best of luck with your treatment! :)

cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #30 on: November 20, 2016, 01:43:14 PM »
Oh I'm glad to hear you love the place, I know you were feeling very anxious about it. Sorry to hear the period has hit at the same time.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #31 on: November 24, 2016, 10:31:29 AM »
It's week 2 of me being in treatment. I love the place, and I've never loved treatment. Though my body is going through referring changes, and I feel unattractive lots of the time, I mentally feel a lot better and more stable.

Last night Cody and I went through chapter one together in Love you, Hate Porn and even though we never ended up having sex, I still felt emotionally intimate and close and so did he. I really enjoyed that.

I did however have a dream about a best guy friend of mine last night and it made me really anxious and uncomfortable. Cody has issues with QuickSilver and Andy (fake names I use on my blog just to protect identity). I had a one night stand with Andy like ages ago, and made out with QuickSilver twice before I told him that we should be friends and only friends. QuickSilver and Andy were the friends that saved me and kept me from suicide after my last rape. They helped me through the immediate aftermath, taught me self-defense, and said I could stay at their place anytime I felt unsafe at mine (because my rapist knew where I lived). So they are very important people and friends to me.

I had a somewhat sexual dream about QuickSilver last night and  I feel guilty because I know that Cody has issues with him. Like I am not going to lie QuickSilver is really attractive, but there is no sexual tension between us and he lives in another state and I never see him. But I feel guilty and upset because I know that when Cody wakes up I am going to tell him, and I am really nervous about how he is going to react.

My dreams since I've found out about his addiction are either about porn and Cody or have QuickSilver and Andy in them. I think I dream about QuickSilver and Andy because they are my "safe" people, the people I know would be there for me if everything went wrong. So maybe I am dreaming about them because I want to feel safe???

I don't know. I just don't want Cody to be offended or hurt and think I want either of my friends because I DON'T. Cody can be jealous at times so I just idk.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #32 on: November 24, 2016, 01:46:17 PM »
I'm not sure I would tell him because it's a dream and not a conscious thought, if you were day dreaming it then fair enough. I've been having nightmares, some about this whole porn non sense but mostly to do with my past and my counselor has said it's my subsconcious trying to make sense of the conscious stuff and that everything gets interwoven and kinda meshed together. The main nightmare I was having, which I haven't had since asking the counselor for help funnily enough, has aspects of something that really did happen from my past but it moves into a scenario that never happened, however in that scenario I get extremely humiliated in a very public and horrible way, a worst nightmare sort of way! Anyway I think for this is my brain taking the past thing that was real that I haven't properly dealt with and meshing it with the humiliation and bad feelings I have around the porn addiction and also with my fear that people are going to find out and what they will think of me if they do and then my subconscious boils it all up together and serves it up in a horrific dream that has my conscious brain going "WTF is that about, won't you just let me sleep!"

For you maybe as sex and your sexual relationship is on your mind and you are probably feeling unsafe (emotionally) with Cody right now, the two things are meshing in your dream and hence you having sex with someone you feel is safe.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #33 on: November 24, 2016, 04:58:04 PM »
Well I told him because with all the lies we are living with rigorous honesty  and he was happy that I told him, and a bit unsettled but understood that QuickSilver is a safe friend of mine and understood why he might be in my dreams when we are going through rough times.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #34 on: January 08, 2017, 11:36:29 AM »
I was discharged from treatment this past week. Today is my birthday and honestly I've noticed lately that I can look in the mirror and say that I am attractive. If I could have given myself any present it would be that, and knowing that I am in charge of my own happiness. Cody and I have been doing well. There are some issues that are still being worked on like maturity and such, but over all I can see the progress and effort.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Gracie

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #35 on: January 08, 2017, 07:47:06 PM »
Happy birthday!   Always remember one day at a time.  I used to celebrate hours at a time.  (That I didn't have a tear) 

aquarius25

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #36 on: January 08, 2017, 09:23:24 PM »
Happy Birthday! I am so glad to hear progress in the right direction! I am so happy for you!

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #37 on: May 01, 2017, 07:10:20 PM »
It's been a while since I posted in my journal. I kinda stayed in the backround while the whole troll stuff was going on and stopped posting for a bit. Anyways, I mentioned in the partner section how I feel down about the disconnect between my partner and I right now.

Earlier today we fought and then quickly made up and he showed emotion. I hesitantly asked if we could have sex later, and not fast fucking, but slow and meaningful sex, and he said yeah.

He got home from work and said he was too tired. I tried my best to accept it. This is like the second time in the past couple days where I tried to put myself out there for sex and got turned down... That hasn't been making me feel too good. If we can't talk, then sex is usually numb and emotionless for me and not enjoyable. When we do talk and connect which is quite short and rare, I often try to ask for sex and then it doesn't happen, and then I feel disconnected again, especially since if sex doesn't happen, I try to reconnect through talking which gets responses of, "I don't know" "not sure" "tired" "long day" "boring day" etc.

Trying to figure out how to get through this rough patch as I'm going to call it. I emailed a couples therapist about the possibility of starting couples therapy and I hope to hear back from her....

I have been fighting for 11 months for this relationship, and I know my partner has put in effort, but it seems like we are stuck right now. He says a lot but there is minimal follow through.... and it makes me not trust his word, not that I did after D-day but there are times where I trust him and have hope (like sex today) and then just let down or crushed. It seems he sometimes is oblivious to the pain or the let down, or he see's it and says sorry and we continue the rest of the evening disconnected and he then asks why and I just say I don't know because at that point I'm exhausted from trying and hoping and I'm done for the day.

I want to get that hope and fight back. I don't want to give up. I think maybe what has really gotten me down is that I finally found a ring he should be able to afford if he saves from one check (it's $97 with this mother's day sale going on), and I know he needed a new phone because he was using a phone that the battery died quickly and the sound wouldn't work from time to time, and so he got this check for $437 and he paid off the old phone ($80) and then paid for the new galaxy s8 plus accessories ($88) and he paid the phone bill($113) and then was left with practically nothing for the week or to put into his savings because we went out to dinner to attempt a date... but we didn't connect too much, but it was a bit better than the one we had a week ago where he talked about cars. I guess I feel like he still can be selfish with his money and doesn't value saving. We have a kid on the way and I have a couple hundred saved up, and it seems like he wants to spend his money on his phone and car... and I probably shouldn't be complaining, but I guess I was hoping this check was going to be the check he got me the ring... but maybe he will in the next week or so while the sale (I hope) is still going on. If not it's not the end of the world. But I guess I just hope that couples therapy can help us connect and work on the basic issues in the relationship...
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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malando

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #38 on: May 01, 2017, 09:16:06 PM »
Hi Anna, I already replied in the other section, but I just wanted to say that I agree that your partner is being selfish with his money. There's no need to have the new Galaxy S8 - a flagship phone, when a normal cheap phone will do. Feel free to quote me to him, but he needs to get out there and make some more money! I would want to have a whole lot more money than that behind me with a baby on the way. Time to get serious and get saving! Tell him you want $2000 in the bank by the time your baby is born. Set the bar high. I personally think he needs to work harder financially - spend more time making money and less time messing around with hobbies.

That's disappointing about him not making an effort romantically. It's like he needs a shakeup every so often to wake him out of his complacency. Complacency is dangerous because that's the mentality that grew his addiction. He needs to be thinking about what your relationship and impending family needs on a DAILY basis. I'd be happy to offer him some advice and support if he could use it. Tell him he can PM me here anytime. I would like to offer any help I can to you guys. I feel like I'm in a position to pass along what I know given I've become a father and dealt with selfishness/addiction. Anyway, the offer is there if he wants it. I can be tough at times, but I am very supportive and encouraging too!

I hope things look brighter for you soon, Anna.
M.

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #39 on: May 02, 2017, 08:03:50 AM »
I responded to the other post, and we did have a long talk last night. I opened up about my feelings about him and money and he agreed he was selfish. He said that he figured he was trying to get his spending out before the baby comes because he felt like he wouldn't be able to once the baby was here. I fully understand that, but we did talk about how saving is the new priority. He has his new phone, and he has worked on his car over the past month, and his birthday is tomorrow and he is getting a new guitar that he is in love with, so he should be set with material things.

We have talked about complacency many many times. Every once in a while it's true he needs a reminder that I still want some effort shown. I know that's a dangerous mentality, it's always been dangerous for me with my anorexia, the second I am like, "I'm good I can skip a meal today and it won't affect me" I am very very wrong. So I do know that complacency is not something that should be taken lightly. It's true, he doesn't always think of the DAILY things that are needed. He has been good about me being triggered lately and had some wonderful suggestions at easing the anxiety since the D-Day anniversary is up in June.

I told him to get on here and PM you. When he gets to work I hope he does. He is JediMaster.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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aquarius25

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #40 on: May 02, 2017, 04:10:18 PM »
Sounds like you are communicating very well! I am glad to hear how you two are working through things. Its not easy but when you keep at it slowly it does get better. Congrats on the baby! That is exciting news! Have eight of you thought maybe of writing a letter to your child? It might include some of your hopes and things that you want to work on as far as being their mom/dad. You give it to them when they have their child and they can reflect on the parent you hoped to be and who you actually became. You also reflect on it as you are raising your child and that way it keeps you focused on what is important so you don't get distracted with the day to day life of parenting. Just a thought. I am praying for you two and am glad you are working through this!

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #41 on: May 09, 2017, 02:28:00 PM »
Thanks Aquarius! The letter is a good idea, I definitely want to do that.

Also I just caught him getting the engagement ring and I feel bad because he was trying to make sure everything was a surprise.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #42 on: June 21, 2017, 06:10:08 PM »
So we are having a boy! We are so excited! Things between us are going well, and he seems to be taking the relationship recovery seriously. I hope things continue to go well! We are making our way through the packet, and he is able to balance recovery, school, and work, so that has been really nice.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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aquarius25

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #43 on: June 21, 2017, 06:21:07 PM »
So glad to hear the good news!!!! Very happy for you two!

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #44 on: June 22, 2017, 06:30:41 AM »
Great news Anna so mu h to look forward to!2

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #45 on: June 22, 2017, 10:31:08 AM »
Thanks! I am so happy. I went to therapy today and discussed all my nerves about parenting. I know the way I want to parent, and I do worry that our son will hate it when he see's other kids his age with phones and IPads... In all honesty, we will give our son an old fashioned burner style flip phone with no internet when he is in middle school. Then high school he can have a more high tech phone. And We don't want him to zone out behind screens growing up. We want to play board games, and sports in the yard. We hope that he can stay engaged in real life.

I worry about our son seeing other children with an abundance of devices and unlimited access and that he will want that too. I want our son to be connected to the world, not disconnected. Plus, these IPads and iPhones or Android smartphones are truly expensive and I don't even know if we will have the money to spend on that as well.

Has anyone else raised kids in today's society? How did they approach technology with their kids?
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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aquarius25

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #46 on: June 23, 2017, 01:30:03 PM »
Our kids have those complaints but we talk a lot about them. They are only allowed "screen time" on the weekends. The tv isn't allowed on during the week. All screens are in the main living areas and we don't have ipads and things. They use a desktop computer to play some coding games and things. They have an xbox hooked up in the living room and that is where the movies are too. They have stopped asking for the things other kids have. When I talk with them I put it in perspective. I explain that yes, those kids get all of that technology but, our kids are allowed to actually build with power tools. We go on trips that kids don't. We do lots of things that other kids would never get the opportunity to do because they are busy with screens. It's not better or worse, it's just different. I ask my kids if they would prefer to give up all the things we do for a screen. When you put it like that they tend to be thankful for all we do as a family together and all of our adventures. They say they would rather have those experiences than an ipad every time.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #47 on: June 28, 2017, 10:57:44 AM »
So today we had a really good moment. My anorexic thoughts (ED) has been acting up for the past three days. This morning when I got up with Cody, since he wanted my company, I was feeling like crap about my body image. We sat down to eat fruit loops before he was going to head to work. I honestly felt so guilty about eating that bowl of cereal, and he noticed and I talked about it and told him I felt guilty and was trying not to cry. He hugged me and asked me TFE (Thoughts, Feelings Emotions - I made that up ages ago and we use it on a daily basis now). I said that I had seen a picture that was possibly triggering the other day and something my sister said really triggered and hurt me. He comforted me, hugged me, wiped my tears away and told me how much he loved me. We went back to the bedroom, and he told me to get in bed. I got in bed and he started adjusting the covers and tucking me into bed and said, "I want you to go back to sleep, nap this off, and be comfortable." It was so sweet. He gave me this big seal stuffed animal we got at the aquarium that I now use as a pregnancy pillow, and sat there on the bed and basically explained to me (again) that he loves me unconditionally.

That has always been something hard for me to wrap my head around. He tried explaining unconditional love by saying that he loves me no matter what, no matter what changes my body goes through, no matter what hard times we face, etc. He also used the example of "high school" love compared to unconditional and asked me about if I ever had crushes that changed if looks changed, and I told him sometimes I thought I liked a guy, then he got a haircut and I realized I didn't. And he said that is the difference between superficial love and unconditional. I love you unconditionally, which means loving you through everything. I will always love you. After he said all that I felt so flustered. It was such a sweet proclamation of his love. Also the fact that he tucked me into bed, that was so sweet and loving. I know it's technically not romantic, but the action of taking time to talk me down, and tuck me into bed saying I should nap it off and then telling me how much he loves me meant the world to me!

He has always been, since day one, amazing about helping me when ED pops up and I have "Ed attacks" as we call them. He has been patient with me, understanding and just overall caring in that aspect. This morning just reminded that him being there, caring about me when ED pops up, has been a consistent thing since we met.

I felt so close to him before he left for work, and he said he felt close to me. We have couples therapy later, and I suggested we bring up the topic of unconditional love, because I am not sure where it comes from, but I just don't understand it when it's directed at me. Maybe it's because my closest girl friends were "frenemies" growing up. Including me in person, but always passive aggressively putting me down, and behind my back, revealing all my secrets and the things they would make me do at sleepovers, and then everyone would laugh... I lived Mean Girls for 8 years basically. So I grew up with those closest to me also hurting me, lying to me, and betraying me. So I guess ever since then, I've always been cautious of anyone who wants to get close to me, who says they care, or love me, etc.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Gracie

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #48 on: June 28, 2017, 09:48:24 PM »
These moments are priceless.  I know the closeness is such a warm feeling!  But when we have been through prior relationships, family, friends, and lovers, they can remove that unconditional love feeling from our lives.  They do that by all sorts of various ways.  They make us feel unworthy.  We have to do something to earn their love. 

Then when we hit the PMO train we feel that much worse.  My husband too says nconditional and he shows it.  But what is it?  Does it mean forever?  Sometimes we just need to experience good things and embrace them and let the definition come later, I think.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #49 on: July 30, 2017, 02:43:26 PM »
We got married yesterday! I am so happy and just amazed at how wonderful our wedding went. it was a small wedding at my parents house and everything turned out to be so nice. I am so happy to be able to say I am his wife! I feel like I've been waiting for this day for ages. I am so proud of how far we both have come with our individual recovery and our recovery as a couple.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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