Recent Posts

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Ages 20-29 / Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Last post by Quitforeverthenwin on Today at 08:29:16 AM »
Keep it up! That is cool about the girl, she definitely does sound interested. I tend to notice more women interested in me when I am very busy, doing a lot at work or even with hobbies I feel like they can sense it.

I think just making things casual both in your mind and when you ask her out can help... the "in your mind" part is easier said then done,  I don't have a ton of help there lol.

But in terms of asking her out subtly sort of  in "steps" can help.

Johhny's= Cool casual lunch date spot that is conveniently located close to your campus. (just an example)

Not in steps:

Girl: Yeah so chemistry class we learned a lot
Guy: I know I love molecules
Girl: Me too, My favorite is phosphorous!
Guy: WANT TO GO TO JOHNNY's With me on Wednesday night?

In steps:
Example 1
Girl: Yeah so chemistry class we learned a lot
Guy: I know I love molecules
Girl:Me too, My favorite is phosphorous!
Guy: Cool!... You ever been to Johnny's?
Girl: No  :) (Or) Yes, I like it!
Guy: Omg I love that place, we should go sometime
Girl: Awesome!
Guy: Awesome.... wait you have my number right? ( smooth lol)
Girl: No
Guy: Cool let's exchange numbers, class is crazy right now maybe we can do like wends or thurs




Totally doesn't have to be just like that, just one easier way to ask a girl out imo. Plus it could make things a lil easier mentally since it's not like waiting for this big romantic ask her out moment.

Or it can be way simplified lol.
Guy: We should hang out sometime
Girl: : )
Guy: You been to johnny's ( can do the exact same thing)

This can be pretty awesome too especially when it's obvious you guys are into each other

Do what ever works for you! Sometimes just having a bit of a gameplan (not like trying to follow things word for word or being a robot) can make things easier, and gives you options. For example the "steps" one can work really well even if the moment isn't right

Also scope out the date spot in advance, go in person
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Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Last post by Quitforeverthenwin on Today at 07:57:41 AM »
Day 1

Wanted to stay in bed upon alarm (which was already late) but that went BAD yesterday so I got up. Will do laundry shortly and a little exercise (making up for missed day yesterday). Feel behind on some stuff, at least I have been pretty productive at work
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Ages 20-29 / Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Last post by Quitforeverthenwin on Today at 07:55:20 AM »
Unfortunately continued the lapse yesterday and it was bad. Don't like admitting it but... it was looking at ads and texting them, that's so self destructive. Lowers my confidence but.... one thing makes me feel better...

The realization that, I essentially have no plan to handle urges or pmo thoughts at the moment... so of course this is happening. In the past I always had activities to do to distract myself or would plan on posting etc. being aware of the urge is a great idea, but for me, what has given me success is having something else to do as well.

Action steps:
1) Come up with plans of activities to do when urges arise
2) Implement that plan
3) Stay of the internet other then for work ESPECIALLY on my phone. I had cut youtube etc. out of my life, having them back sucks and is super triggering.

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Flatline right now
« Last post by CB on Today at 07:20:10 AM »
Haha Thanks guys! It feels good to be without the shame, but it is like I have this fear of some day I’m in the mess again. And I still miss it, I think I’m still in the grievance stage of it all. My OCD has been coming at me full force with all types of doubts, intrusive thoughts like. ”Do you really love your gf?” or ”What if I’m really gay because of the loss in libido?” and so on. So it has found a way of feed itself on this. As with my ADHD it is pretty much the same, but I need to get out and workout to keep my worry in check. I noticed since I stopped this my fear of social situations with people I don’t know that much has flared up, like going out for dinners is really distressing at points. I know all of these things are connected to OCD/ADHD/Anxiety in general. But it is better now than it was a year ago. But I still need to work on myself when it comes to the anxiety, and the addiction has really been a part to calming myself and self medicate myself.
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Ages 20-29 / Re: Last attempt to quite porn
« Last post by Do or die on Today at 06:16:27 AM »
Day 5 is completed successfully. Now i am going for day 6. My goal is day 7 now.
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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« Last post by Lero on Today at 05:10:48 AM »
That's a good idea, man. You're doing great. Almost 5 months without P this is wow!
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Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Last post by Lero on Today at 05:09:18 AM »
Lero, congrats on day 7.. that is awesome!
yea i've been there several times with the P hijacking dream thing and scared that I broke my stride.. just to realize it was a dream.
In my perspective, it is a good thing this is happening. See it as a test from something subconscious that is trying to hold on,, but in fact, you are in control now and taken over.
I dont have those dreams any longer,, they will fade eventually.     keep it up :)

Yeah, man, those fucking dreams are annoying. They feel so real. I wake up and for a few seconds I am sure I lost my streak. I dream about watching P.
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Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Last post by Lero on Today at 05:08:24 AM »
Hi Lero,
I can see you have lately been through some ups and downs, which also brought you a lot of self-knowledge and a deeper awareness about you and how the puzzle of triggers works. You'r words are inspiring and Im 100% sure you will eventually come across the other side. You are determined and can tell you want this.. stick in there brother we are all rooting for you and believe in you. And about the relapses,, hmm... I just wanted to share this with you :

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Sorry for the relapse, man.

When you relapse, you don't fail, you find another thing that didn't work. A relapse is an invitation to analyze the situation, see what went wrong, what mistake you made, what you were thinking before the relapse, what environment, circumstances etc. led to your relapse and so on. If you feel down after a relapse, it's normal. It sucks but, at the end of the day, people feel down from time to time. But don't allow yourself to go lower than that because you reach misery and a mind in that state is a great environment for the addiction to keep complete control over you. One day things will eventually click.

those are your own words  :) ... those words affected me back in august when read it. you are filled with a lot of gold and wisdom... now lets get the action part and emotional control along side of all that knowledge you posses :) .. as I think you are more than capable of getting rid of this shit for good. Sometimes people just need a little push or words of encouragement.

Zazen, thanks for taking the time to write this long post. You actually posted it at the same time with my "Day 7" post  :D

I appreciate the support, man. And I'm glad that what I said back then helped you.

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You know what triggers you and you know they begin way before taking action right... so my question is.. is there anything you can think of, which could interrupt when the thoughts come up?...  I remember that I started meditation in the beginning of my journey when I realized voices telling me to watch a bit of xyz...   I have improved a lot since my journey, but its still a daily struggle. And my present way of coping is praying.. just clapping my hands together, closing my eyes and pray... I am not religious at all .. but hey, if this can distract me, then all good.

Yes, a relapse starts in the mind before you act out. It's important to see it coming. And it's important to know your P behavior well: What things you do, what stimulants you search for when the craving starts? Some people think that because it's something light (like a picture), it won't do a lot of harm, which is wrong. If it's P behavior, get rid of it, no matter how light. Because it creates a chain reaction. It sets in motion some cravings that will eventually sabotage you. I know what represents P behavior for me. I see it coming. I see when my addicted brain wants me to search for something. Now it's trying to make me search for something light, because it knows I won't give it the strong stuff so easily. So it tries to make me give it an inch so it could take a mile.

What I do when hard urges hit me? I like to think about why I really want to quit P: I think about the benefits of P abstinence (which I've seen manifesting after 3 weeks hard mode), I think about how a relapse feels like, I think about how my default state of mind is when I'm heavily invested in binging every few days, and then I tell myself that I want to choose the benefits, not the relapses and binges. This helps me reinforce my motivation to keep going and it also helps me distract myself from thinking about P by focusing on something else. If I do something, I focus hard on what I do and try to ignore P. It's not different from what you do with prayer, it's a distraction by focusing on something else. The idea is: Whatever works for everybody. Everybody needs to find a way to deal with waves of hard urges. Whatever works for them.

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and wanted to appreciate your last post about the pain and going through it. This is how my story started.. facing the pain. Im still doing it and fighting each day. going from daily pmo to where I am now is huge...  and you sir, can do just that as well. you are insightful and know how to beat this...  now lets go beat it for good. you have it in you.

Yes, pain is inevitable. Every addiction has withdrawal and this is the suffering. But I've come to accept it. In the beginning it drove me crazy. "Why do I need to suffer?" But since then I've understood that there is no other way, I need to go through the withdrawal if I want to finally be done with this and I will do it. Keep in mind that this withdrawal is a short period of time in comparison to the rest of the years we have left to live. It's months of suffering vs years of being free. I think we know what we want to choose. If we don't do this, another year will pass and then another and the number of years left for us to live free diminishes with each refusal to face the suffering.

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oh and another thing that helped me was writing mini-goals - like "I look forward to day 10,, day 20,, day 30 etc". Not sure if would work for you, but you can try it out to see if it works or not.

But I actually do something like this. I don't know if you've seen me writing about this somewhere. I have a mini-goals system: 5 days (because it's the middle between 1 and 10), 7 days (because it's a week), 10 days (cause it's 10), 14 days (cause it's 2 weeks), 15 days (the middle of 10 and 20), 20 days, 21 days (3 weeks). I call them checkpoints. And you see, they are so close to each other, some come after only 1 day. It helps me think that I can go a few more days or just 1 day. It's a psychological stuff, because jumping right into it and say: "Okay, I will go 90 days without P" was too scary. I felt overwhelmed by the number of days I had to go, but going a few days or just 1 day in some cases looked a lot more possible. And they still lead me to that big goal, but I try not to focus on it and only focus on the next goal, for example 10 days this time. Small steps still move you forward and it looks more possible to make 5 steps than walk 100 miles. But you will get to 100 miles by accumulating many rounds of 5 steps. Mind tricks with myself.

Anyway, thanks again for the support and encouragement, man. It's welcome.



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Ages 30-39 / Re: porn, dating and Grindr
« Last post by malando on Today at 04:59:51 AM »
Hi Synkk, I guess I should have qualified my remarks by specifying that the use of apps with a specific sexual focus is not a good way to meet people for anything enduring. I think any time you have already seen somebody's whole body, including their junk, before you even sit down for a coffee with them is not a good way to be making somebody's acquaintance. Maybe there are some people going about it in a different way, but from everything I've been told about the apps you mentioned, it's the exception rather than the rule. The other point I'd make is that it's hard for a recovering porn addict to filter out the hyper sexual content from the more toned-down content, so that represents a risk I think. If you feel there is a safe way to engage with your apps, don't let me stand in your way. I don't mean to be too dogmatic about this - I'm just concerned about whether you might be putting yourself in harm's way.
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Ages 20-29 / Re: "Hard Mode" is the best "Mod"
« Last post by zazen on Today at 04:35:47 AM »
Lero, congrats on day 7.. that is awesome!
yea i've been there several times with the P hijacking dream thing and scared that I broke my stride.. just to realize it was a dream.
In my perspective, it is a good thing this is happening. See it as a test from something subconscious that is trying to hold on,, but in fact, you are in control now and taken over.
I dont have those dreams any longer,, they will fade eventually.     keep it up :)
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