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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 25, 2019, 12:27:55 PM »
Thanks, man!  At the public library studying, so this is just a count update.  A more elaborate update will come later today or maybe tomorrow.  Checking in on day 39/90.

I’ll be back later,

Rich

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: 35 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« on: April 23, 2019, 01:24:44 PM »
D&O,

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms?  I don’t understand how you have done all of this rebooting (both hard mode, soft mode, and permanent avoidance of porn) and not seen any benefits.  Getting rid of porn should have reset your mind to factory settings, Ie. attraction to real women.  Long periods of time without masturbation should have helped.  What’s going on?  If you have to masturbate once in a while, that should be fine. 

Rich

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 23, 2019, 01:18:35 PM »
Back from the Pearson Testing Center, so I might as well post an update.  The results of the General Knowledge Test: English: Pass, Essay: completed (it needs to be graded), math: fail, Reading: fail.  I was expecting to fail math as it is by far my worst subject, but reading took me by surprise.  No time to feel down, as I have professional education next week!  Passing the English subtest means I won’t have to take it again.  Same for the essay, if I pass.  Nothing to it but to register to take reading and math again 31 days from now.  I will see how I do on my next two tests: professional ed and Earth Science, to see if I am going to continue on.  It might not be worth it if I fail too many.  But keeping my chin up.

Marriage is doing better.  We had a big fight on Saturday, but since then I have really collected myself and am looking after my responsibilities and let go of a lot, realizing I don’t get to control everything.  The results of this exam have been humbling as well.

This reboot is shooting forward.  It stays relatively the same.  I am still having trouble with lust in the outside world.  Pushing forward.

Rich

Day 37/90

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 22, 2019, 12:22:07 AM »
Checking out on Day 36/90.

Good night, folks

Rich

5
Just to clarify here,

I am not advocating that parents must all believe the same thing, or that they should necessarily advocate any particular positions on sex.  What I am saying is that teenagers should be educated on how their bodies, and those of others, work, and how to practice safe sex, including sex without intercourse, rather than being taught abstinence.  Teenagers are going to try to have sex anyway.  They might as well learn how to do it safely and how to not get pregnant.

If I could do my life all over again, I would have started having sex at eighteen and never watched my first porn video.  I would have been more well adjusted, would know more about pleasing a woman than I do, and would be less sexist than I am.

We need to change our priorities.

Rich

6
First of all, OP stop trying to save the world.  I know what it is like to have these AHA moments early on when you start to figure things out, but unfortunately the world doesn’t work that way.  You have to have personal victories first, before you can have public victories.  I think it was Steven Covey who said that.  But anyway, you have to succeed at rebooting first, before you can be the teacher.  Something I have had to learn the hard way.

On the topic, though, if I could go back I would have gotten laid as soon as I got into university, or late high school.

Our culture has it completely backwards.  Actual sex, the experience, is frowned upon, while the objectify of sex and women, is pushed towards us as a substitute.

You can’t engage in sex with a living, breathing human being as an eighteen year old boy or girl, but you CAN go and buy a penthouse magazine, or more commonly these days, go to a porn website and masturbate yourself to orgasm.

Think about that for a second.  Really think about that.

Actual sexual engagement, on an equal footing, with another person.  WRONG.  Objectifying and reducing an entire sex of people (women).  Not only RIGHT, but a fair and decent way to make money.

You don’t learn anything from masturbating to porn.  Only that it is okay and acceptable to objectify women.

Sex, on the contrary, requires interaction between two people, and, if you want to maintain a relationship with a woman, figuring out how to make her feel good.

Our society has it backwards.

We should teach safe sex practices and encourage our teenagers to have sex (when they are of legal age).  They will be less sexist and misogynistic, more empathetic to the needs of women, and better able to sustain healthy relationships with women.

All pluses in my book.  I expect that if I got into a time machine and stopped myself from watching my first porn video, and actually went out on dates and had sex instead, I would have ended up a much healthier and happier person.

Sorry about writing so much.  That is my two cents.  And I think it relates to what the OP was talking about.

Peace,

Rich

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 18, 2019, 03:51:36 PM »
I really need to get to studying immediately as it is late in the afternoon, so this is going to be quick.  First of all, you all can expect more updates (possibly daily) as I went to the Apple Store and got myself a cheap keyboard for my iPad.  It is much easier and less annoying to write things on my IPad now.  Yippee!!! 

So, a few things in this post. 

My hormones are out of control.  I don’t know if it is just moving to Tampa, where there are good looking women everywhere, or if my brain is just missing the hits of dopamine, or both.  But it is going crazy.  I did mention in an earlier post that in Korea it was relatively easy for me to reboot, from an external stimulation point of view, because I am not especially attracted to Korean women.  Well, I guess I have landed in my zone because there are good looking women everywhere.

If I were single, I would be loving it, but I am not.  Why am I so drawn in by good looking women?  I’m married.  I am almost embarrassed to write about this because I feel like I am 18 again. 

On the rebooting front, it is getting more difficult again.  Maybe I am falling into a dip or valley.  But all that means is I must be headed for a peak. 

That is about all for now. 

Day 33/90

Rich

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 16, 2019, 12:45:01 PM »
Checking in on day 31/90.  Cruising along.  I am not having much difficulty,
probably because of how busy my wife and I are with getting to know the city that will be our home for the next few years.  I am, however, having trouble with lust here in Tampa.  I have noticed my eyes wandering, checking out women around me.  Looking is one thing, but I am wary that my mind could easily move on into fantasies.  This tells me I need to continue my mindfulness practice.  Everything is going fairly well.

More later,

Rich

31/90

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 14, 2019, 09:12:32 PM »
Checking out on 29/90.

Rich

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 13, 2019, 08:42:31 PM »
Checking in on day 28/90.  Have arrived in Tampa.  Moved into the AirBNB. 

Rich

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 09, 2019, 07:47:24 AM »
Checking in early in the morning on day 24/90 from San Francisco, California.  My wife and I are staying at my parents’ for a week so that I can take a written test to renew my California driving license.  Then off to Tampa.  Gotta get back to studying.  Be back later.

Rich

24/90

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 04, 2019, 10:30:04 AM »
Checking out on day19/90.  Good night folks

Rich

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 03, 2019, 09:13:55 AM »
Checking out for the night at 18/90.  Good night everyone .

Rich

18/90

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 01, 2019, 11:40:33 PM »
Checking in on day 16/90.  I have  added a ban on drinking to my repetoire.  I say that, although my wife  basically demanded I quit.  For good reason.  I am generally not a pleasant drunk.  I was considering giving it up anyway for my health, but now the decision has been made for me.  I am progressing as a husband.  I have  realized  that spirituality is going to be the tool that will set me free.   I am dedicated to a more serious Buddhist practice.  Sometimes it can be really difficult to interpret the texts, though, even though I am reading them in English.  So I have  compiled a list of Buddhist teachers,  including the Dalai Lama himself, Thic Naht Than, and Thubten Chodron and Pema Chodron.  I bought a cheap book yesterday from Pema Chodron and I am going to begin with  her.  There are many reasons I am beginning my serious practice with a woman as my guide.  First of all, since I have a history of sexism in my past, I think that being lead by a wan will be helpful.  Her guidance will help me grow into a more balamced individual.  Also, her expertise is in dealing with life, basically, and her books will likely teach me valuable skills.  I also have a book by Matieu Ricard  which I am going to read too.  Much of my reading for the forseeable future will be Pema, Thubten, Nat Hahn, and the Dalai Lama. 

Why the spiritual growth?  My life experience  so far has shown me the dark reality of contemporary society, and I feel that I, personally, need to withdraw from it and start viewing the world through a more wose, spiritual lense.  Secularity is still important to me, especially professionally.  But I don't see why, even though my goal is  to be a science teacher, I must only be an atheist.  To me, atheism is merely the absence of belief in the divine, or the supernatural, beyond what we can test.

To me atheism cannot teach you to be a good person.  In fact, that void or absence can very often lead to chaos.  To me Buddhism is my guiding light, and although I do not think the Buddha is divine, I do see the wisdom of his inskght and feel his ideas are the key to a good life.

I am aware of Stephen Batchelor, the well known Atheist Buddhist, and he is on my reading list too.  I habe quite a long one. 

But enough of that.  Do I "miss" pmoing?  Do I miss the pictures?  A part of me can't deny it.  Just like I miss the bottle, even though it has only been a day and a half.  Buddhism says that these sensual needs are there and are an obsession.  I will always want to see tits and ass for all I know.  But my hope is that with absence of those and with the presence and mindfulness that comes from my practice, they will become a thing of the past.

I've blabbered on long enough.

Will be back later,

Rich

16/90

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: April 01, 2019, 09:28:17 AM »
Hey Georgos, there are a lot of interesting thoughts there.  I have been looking for books to.read to extend my practice.  I have  already read the basic Buddhist scriptures and am now reading the sutras.  I am actually looking for books by contemporary  Buddhist teachers to help interpret these though.  I am a Buddhist atheist.  I don't believe in the  supernatural, but I practice Buddhism as a philosophy of mental health.  I have found it especially helpful and therapeutic.  Thanks for the thoughtful posts. 

Rich

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: April 01, 2019, 09:22:18 AM »
Checking in day 15/90.  Calling it a night. 

Rich

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 30, 2019, 01:39:04 AM »
Checking in on day 13/90.  Nothing to report at the moment.

Rich

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 26, 2019, 02:55:24 AM »
Back with my daily check in.  I am about to put my phone away to charge in the other room, which is good because I am feeling tension.  But I have been thinking a bit.  About everything.  Especially addiction.  It is day 9/90, one more day until I have only 80 days left.  It feels like a walk in the park and a hell of a journey at the same damn time.  I was listening to George Carlin while I was doing my errands (I really like his comedy) and I couldn’t help but be influenced by him.  I don’t think he has any jokes about addiction or recovery, but I can definitely relate to his apolitical, all politicians suck philosophy.  And having experienced AA personally, I think I have started to learn how to identify conservative mind control philosophies, which he talked a lot about.  I am seeing them in more and more places.  Before I pull the leash too tight though, I want to say that I can only comment on my own life and my own experiences.  I can’t tell anyone else what is real, what reality is for them, or what is good for them.  But as someone with an ADHD diagnosis, I think I have always been a receiver of that conservative agenda.  Oh ADHD is real, alright!  I wasn’t making any of it up in school.  But the American idea that 600 dollar pills are the answer is quite simply BS.  And it took me moving to Korea, where ADHD medicine is a highly controlled (even more so than in America) substance, and I couldn’t get any, that I learned about other methods, such as meditation and also the use of vitamin B and fish oil, which combined do almost as good of a job as medication.

Why am I talking about all this?  Well, because once I started examining my experience, I found the same sort of script in AA as I received at the doctor’s office.  The idea that there is only one way, and it is the one backed by the authorities or the people in control. 

I know I sound like I am going off the deep end here, so I am going to back off and refocus.  The reason I am here is to recenter my self, especially when it comes to my habits.  To get healthy and clean.  And yet again, here in my reboot, in this journey I find myself pushing through and past the “authorities”, meandering through political arguments, while I resist sexual culture around me.  And it feels good.  But sometimes I get urges and then I recenter.

Alright, that is enough of that rambling for now.

I will be back tomorrow.

Rich

Day 9/90


19
Porn Addiction / Re: Free Three!
« on: March 25, 2019, 12:47:17 AM »
Hey all,

Alexthenotsogreat, I hear ya.  I don't know how old you are, but I can definitely relate to what you are saying, especially when I think about beginning this journey years ago, (on another support board), when I was 18 or 19 and starting college. 

A few things:

Please don't comfuse sexual desire for a woman you like with lust or porn.  It isn't the same thing.  You should have  sexual feelings for women you date, otherwise what js the point.  Don't be creepy about jt and don't mame sleeping with  them the goal.  But by all means, allow yourself to feel and process these emotions.

Secondly, but relating to what I said above.  Living porn free should be your goal, and it is aligned with a healthy sexual life.  I strongly disagree with many on this board who talk about avoiding sex in this journey.  I think that largely misses the point.  What you want is a healthy, vibrant social and love life.  The two: no porn and sex are connected, not opposite. 

Stop watching porn and stop masturbating, but by all means ask out girls you like.  That is the whole point, afterall. 

Just my two cents.

Rich

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot...
« on: March 25, 2019, 12:35:25 AM »
Hey bud,

Yeah, I think you have got the idea concerning noticing women around you.  As a recovering addict and a married man, I don't give myself a hard time when I notice attractive women.  I am only human, afterall.  But I do differentiate between noticing good looking women and having sexual thoughts about them.  The latter is a big no no, amd let's me know that I have  started back into hypersexual, porn based thinking.  It is one thing to think, gee she is pretty, sexy, etc.  It is another thing to think about having sex with her.  It seems like you're on a roll.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

21
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 25, 2019, 12:27:59 AM »
Sorry for being gone so long everyone.  Checking in on day 8/90 today.  Getting tired of being home alone on the week days.  My contract has been finished for two weeks now and I finished my last day on campus cleaning last week.  I am anxious to begin our journey back home now.  It is day 8 and I am starting to feel the pressure.  But I better get used to jt.  I don't want to give in now.  I especially want to get some real time in now while I am in Asia, because I don't feel strong attraction to women here.  That isn't to say that Korean women aren't pretty, but I never really got the strong affinity westerners have for them.  When I get back to the US I will be back to being surrounded by women I find much more attractive.  I stick by my marriage vows and don't see anything going on in that way, but I am afraid that being around western women will make the urge to let off the tension through porn that much harder to resist.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  I am  busy doing chores and then I need to study.  I have considered the changes I hwve to make.  It is time to act my age.  Past time.  So I am thinking on what my wkfe has told me needs to change.  And putting those changes into.action.  i am optimistic. Getting off my phone  now. 

Will be back later,

Rich

 8/90

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:14:07 AM »
Clarification.  I just saw that it is 12 am, so I have completed four days clean.  Going to ned.  Tomorrow morning will be the start of the fifth day. 

Rich

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:12:07 AM »
Checking out on what the dates say is day 5/90.  It is late, so I won't write a whole post tonight .  Everything is going well.  My wife  and I are getting along well.  Everything  is fine.

Be back tomorrow

Rich

5/90

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 20, 2019, 09:08:12 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 2/90.  Feeling very sexually frustrated, but I know that is the feeling of challenging myself and that that drive is very beneficial for when I am healthy again.  Home alone, as I moved out if the dorm room yesterday.  Cleaning and studying today. 

Will be back later to confirm that I have completed the day clean.

Rich

2/90

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: March 19, 2019, 07:58:19 PM »
Checking in on a new day.  Good day so far,  today.   My wife has not forgiven me yet, but I did not expect her to.  But we are talking and I understand enough that I hhave a chance to fix our marriage by fixing myself.  I am going to start watching what I eat, going to start exercising, and doing my part in the house.  Not to mention two showers a day in these hot, humid summers that are coming up.

As far as this reboot, this morning’s practice fit perfectly.

From the Lotus Sutra:

“5,000 arhats and  nuns stood up and left the assembly. Owing to the principle of good which there is in pride they imagined having attained what they had not, and having understood what they had not”

That is me in a nutshell.

“Thereupon the Lord (Buddha) addressed the venerable Sariputra: My congregation, Sariputra, has been cleared from the chaff, freed from the trash; it is firmly established in the strength of faith.”

Those who think themselves endowed with wisdom, who ha e not done the work, will surely fail.

And lastly,

“It is not by reasoning, Sariputra, that the law is to be found: it is beyond the pale of reasoning, and must be learnt from the Tathagata.”

I keep trying to think my way out of things, when what I need to do is the hard work.  That is true of my marriage, of my career, and of this reboot.

I will meditate on this today and put it into action.

Rich

1/90





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