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Messages - HumbleRich

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: Today at 08:13:51 AM »
Checking in

Day 2 free of PMO
66 days sober of alcohol

Rich

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 15, 2019, 12:17:17 PM »
So pissed at myself. I have been finding ways to relapse last week and this weekend.  I even opened up a Quora account to ostensibly ask professional questions, but ended up spending most of the time searching NSFW questions.  Sick and tired of this.  I have deleted my Quora account, hopefully for the last time, and have blocked the Quora website.

But it needs to be more than that!  Content blocking is great as a way to prevent me from starting the process.

But I need a tighter schedule, more praying and meditating. 

Here is for better luck tomorrow.

Day 0 again.

Rich

Still abstinent of alcohol.

3
Porn Addiction / Re: Recommend me a book!
« on: July 10, 2019, 10:42:39 AM »
Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron discusses Buddhist enlightenment as a means to recovery from any mental ailment.  I have found it very profound, especially in understanding why I act out.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 10, 2019, 07:13:16 AM »
I continued my binge this morning, PMOing from 3 till 7 am.  I have not binged like this in years and this reminds me 1.  That I am still a porn addict and 2.  I can never safely use porn.

I accept that I am powerless without a “God of my understanding”. 

I have picked myself up though.  I did as much of my workout as I could at 8 am, when I was scheduled to wake up.  I guess I can be grateful that I don’t have a job to destroy with this acting out yet.  I do need to study, however.

I have done my work out.  Next to meditate and pray.  Boy do I need it.  Having content restrictions only helps so much.  I need to remain constantly vigilant and humble.

Let’s see if I can pull together a whole 12 hours.  This time no caffeine after noon.

Rich

Humiliated but not beaten.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 10, 2019, 03:47:20 AM »
Checking in.  Had too much coffee today on my first day back on caffeine and I can’t sleep well (from now on no caffeine in the afternoon).  Back to 0.  I fought and resisted the content restrictions until I found some topless images.  So back to 0.  What did I learn.

This journey is not only about what we remove from our lives, but also what we put in.

I am going to start reading more.  I am going to try to read a book a week.  Except for one week a month I will devote to Scentific American.  I have been unsatisfied with not getting anywhere on my reading list for a long time now.

I am going to workout every morning and every evening.  I am in pitiful shape at the moment.  The best I can do atm is two sets of ten push ups, about 30 crunches, and 30 bike crunches.  But we all know the old saying, you gotta start somewhere.  Once I master this workout I can move on to more elaborate ones.

Time to get in shape, mentally and physically.

Day one again tomorrow.

Day 59 sober from alcohol.

Rich

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 09, 2019, 01:52:34 PM »
Checking in on day 1.  I read an article about flatlining and am feeling better.  I must have just been still in the flatline stage.  One thing I do know is I want erotica, porn, and sex culture out of my life, forever.

Checking in half a day clean, by the grace and guidance of the Dharma, the Buddha, and the Sangha.

Namaste.

Rich

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 08, 2019, 02:00:08 PM »
I just acted out, so I am back to 0 for PMO.  My wife want’s to go out to do an errand, but I will make sure to make an AA meeting tonight to prevent me from relapsing with alcohol too. 

This relapse has hit me like a brick wall.  Part of me wants to give in to this wretched habit and let it tear me apart.  Today was supposed to be day 57, but I am back to 0. 

But right now I want to talk about something else.  I think this is my bottom for PMO.  I think this because acting out today was a joyless, automatic experience.  I must have been getting serotonin hits otherwise I wouldn’t have been doing it, but I didn’t feel good acting out.  I got no pleasure from it. 

And also, I couldn’t get an erection, even from the images I used to jack off to.  This scares me to death.  I have heard of flatline, and thought that I must have been in flatline because of my lack of interest in sex and limp ness.

But I thought that I would still be able to get erect to porn.  And I couldn’t get it up to that either.

What the heck is going on?  Has rebooting broken me neurologically?  Is it still flatline, even when I tried to cheat with porn?

Now for what I am doing now.  I am leaving no stone unturned.

I have reset my IPad and put up content restrictions with a password that I have to put in.  Unfortunately I can’t use a faux password or one I will forget because I need it if I ever need to change my Ipad’s Settings.  That royally sucks because it means I have to use a password I remember.

But I have done this before and it worked pretty well.  Just the few seconds provided by the hassle of putting in a password was deterrent enough.

But that can’t be all of it.  REAL CHANGE has to happen.

Just like in AA I have accepted that I am powerless against PMO and have found my bottom.  Or at least my latest one.  I am going to involve my higher power from here on out through prayer.

That is all from me at the moment. 

Rich

Count:
Abstinent of alcohol: 57 days
PMO: 0


8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: July 05, 2019, 10:18:51 AM »
Count update:
Abstinence from alcohol: 54 days
PMO: 54/90

Almost done with my 30 day break from caffeine.

Rich

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 25, 2019, 10:14:50 AM »
Feeling crabby and sexually frustrated today.  Wife and I have had a dry spell for about four months.  She says she needs to see real change in how I act and treat her before we engage sexually again.  I understand and appreciate where she is coming from, but it still sucks.  At first it helped me concentrate on this journey.  But now I feel myself getting impatient.  I need to ask my higher power for patience and focus on improving as a husband.

Count seems to have gotten muddled somewhat.  But the numbers based on my digital counter for AA are thus

Abstinent of:
Alcohol: 44 days
PMO: 44/90

Rich

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 23, 2019, 11:00:46 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of
Alcohol: 43 days
PMO: 43/90
Caffeine 15/30

Rich

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 17, 2019, 02:52:00 PM »
Checking in.  I have been very busy moving into our new apartment.

Counts: Abstinent of
PMO: 37/90
Alcohol: 37
Caffeine: 8/30

Rich

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 07, 2019, 11:33:09 PM »
Update:

I did end up caving in today on day 3 without caffeine, by eating a Cliff bar brownie that I stupidly left in the house.  So, tomorrow is day 1 again on sobriety from caffeine, the most difficult addiction I have ever had to beat.  Wish me luck.

Rich

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 07, 2019, 01:40:36 PM »
Checking in.  I know my day counts have been infrequent and my posts have been on a hiatus.  I Blame busy-ness and the fact that I quit caffeine this week, so I am dealing with the enormous withdrawals from that.  I hope to get back to more elaborate posts next week.

So, my counts are
Abstinent of:
PMO: 26/90
Alcohol: 26 days
Caffeine: 3 days

Rich





14
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 03, 2019, 10:37:24 AM »
Checking in

Feeling a lot better

According to my AA counter I miscounted.  Up till now I have been counting by the day I was on.  From here on out I will count days successfully sober.

Abstinent of:
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich


15
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: June 01, 2019, 09:37:04 PM »
Been busy folks

Checking to in
Abstinent of
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 29, 2019, 05:35:36 PM »
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

That is how I feel at the moment.  I am about to get off the internet because I feel so close to acting out and know that when this happens I need to get away.  I just cannot get rid of the desire to see erotica.  It is day 18 now, and the thrill and images in my head continue to drive me.  Beyond that, I just can’t get rid of lust in the real world.  Living here in Florida there are beautiful, sexy women everywhere I look.  I do consider my wife beautiful and attractive, but the obsession with other women is a deeply kept secret that I don’t know what to do with.  My obsession with breasts has returned, even though I have not acted out online or masturbated to porn (I have masturbated once this week).  I don’t know why my obsession with breasts has returned or stayed, but it is here with a vengeance and I have little control over checking out women IRL.  I feel like I am regressing here.  This journal is my only outlet as I feel that I definitely cannot tell my wife any of this stuff without hurting her or making her feel like I will break her trust.

That is everything.  So, still technically sober of PMO, but having more trouble with lust than ever.

I will pray over this.

Rich

Abstinent of
PMO: 18/90
Alcohol: 18

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 27, 2019, 07:01:47 PM »
Tension is building, so I am going to make myself write.  I had a good AA meeting this evening.  I have little or no interest in drinking tonight, but the urge to PMO is oh so strong.  I am just so irritated with everything.  To start with the positive, my wife and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Disney World.  I didn’t spend too much money, and we both enjoyed a good time at the parks.  I am dedicated to improving as a husband, becoming ever more selfless and supportive of my wife.  Now for the negative: there is something wrong with my car.  The passenger airbag off light is on and something is leaking at the front of the car.  Always great when that happens.  My driving definitely needs improvement, and that is likely the cause.  The soonest I can take the car in is Thursday, so I set up an appointment for then.  Of course this has set off anxiety and my selfishness in not being able to get the car looked at right away.  So, I am going to have to drive the car as little as possible (still need to go to AA meetings) as I CAN.  And I obviously can’t have my wife in the car.

I am so, so, so frustrated, and want more than ever to be hedonistic and to get pleasure from PMO.

Now I am going to try to pray it away.

Hope others are doing well

Rich

Abstinent of:
PMO: 16/90
Alcohol: 16

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 25, 2019, 10:55:38 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 14/90
Alcohol: 14

Rich

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 23, 2019, 07:29:57 AM »
Checking in

Abstinent of:
*PMO: 12/90
*Alcohol: 12

Rich

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 20, 2019, 10:34:16 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of
PMO: 9/90
Alcohol: 9

Time for bed

Rich

21
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:38:09 PM »
I forgot to mention that in an alternative reality where erotic media did NOT exist, the focus would be on the EXPERIENCE of sex, rather than obtaining the object or woman. 

Rather than sexuality being a game where someone wins, it would be an experience of attraction, initiation, and equal engagement between two people on an equal footing.

To sum up my point of view

1.  Religion makes sex bad and blames women.

Women are taught that they excite men.  Men are told that it is bad that women excite them.  Women are told it is their fault and they need to act to stop men from being excited by them.

This insanity leads to 2.

2.  Banning sex leads to porn as a substitution.

Because teenagers are told that sexuality is bad, their natural attraction to the opposite sex leads them to porn.

3.  Porn makes them see those they are attracted to as objects. 

When you watch porn or look at erotic images, you quite literally objectify the individual.  They are a photo or image.  Yow OWN them.

4.  The mind generalizes this feeling of ownership to the real women men interact with.

Men feel that they are entitled to the women they are attracted to and are owed sex.



Alternative world without porn and erotica

1.  People are sexual and are attracted to other people.

2.  Teenagers are forced to enact their sexuality with real people.  I do not support underage sex. This means that they date, kiss, make out with, and engage in their sexuality with others in mutually consensual exchanges.  Because of this, men learn what consent is.  They look for consent in exchanges and sexuality is automatically aligned with consent.  You can’t be sexual without consent.

3.  Women are seen as people, even when you are attracted to them.

4.  Men do not see women as objects, and can take rejection.  because women are not objects, it doesn’t disgrace a man’s manhood to be rejected..

5.  Men want to engage with enthusiastic partners and so they seek relationships with women they are attracted with.

There you go.  The world may not have been perfect without porn, but I imagine many of the problems we have in society would not have been problems without porn.

Rich

22
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 18, 2019, 01:20:44 PM »
Wow, this is a really long thread now.

Before I begin, I want to say that I only feel comfortable talking from a heterosexual man’s point of view.  I assume that the following is the same for women, but I cannot guarantee that, so I don’t aim to generalize.

My two cents is that porn and erotic media lead to the objectification of women.  Real life does NOT.  What I mean by that is that I draw a very thick line between noticing beauty and sexiness and obsessing over it or living through it.

As someone who reads and works with science every day, I believe that humans are sexual creatures.  We do desire the opposite sex and want to procreate.  Basically, being attracted to members of the opposite sex is natural.

Ogling and unnatural staring is something different.  It is acquired through consuming media.  Natural glances are seconds long, subtle, and do NOT separate the personhood of the person being looked at from the sexiness.  Ogling does.

All of that to say that I feel that society’s stance against teenage sexuality is the root, which leads young men and women to porn, which hijacks their sexualities and makes actual sexuality problematic.

I would have preferred it if I had never seen porn.  EVER.  It ruined my ability to associate with women and to manage my sexuality.

Not being brought up with porn means that a heterosexual boy or man is attracted to WHOLE women.  Yes, they are attracted to women because they have breasts, vaginas, and nice behinds.  Biologically, that is what drives them towards women.  But this natural biological attraction is tied to the personhood of the individual.

So, yes, the woman a man is attracted to may have started as an object, but in interacting with said woman, the man sees her as a subject, as equal.

The subject hood of the woman then reinforces her equal footing.  Without erotic media, the only way a man can live out his sexuality is by respecting the women he engages with sexually.  Make sense? 

More than that, I imagine that there would be no objectification in the first place.  We men naturally want to be desired by those we desire, so objectification the way we see it in our world makes no sense whatsoever.  Neither does the abuse of those that we desire.  It is the result of a status quo that objectifies women.  Not of natural sexual desire.

I can imagine an alternative reality where I never consumed or ever saw porn.  I would have had natural crushes and maybe even dated in my early teens.  I would have made out with those crushes or maybe petted.’

Again in this alternative reality the only way anyone would be able to be sexual is through consent.

I would get to college, have sex and enjoy it.  I wouldn’t have objectified my sexual partners, but would have seen sex as the amazing experience it is, between two people.

That reality was stolen from me by an industry that wants to own men and take advantage of natural sexuality for financial gain.

End porn now.

Rich

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:15 PM »
Shitty: that is in a word how I feel mentally and emotionally today.  I am going through drama with family, but I won’t get into that at the moment.  I don’t know if I would be dealing with everything so well if I weren’t sober.  Our marriage has been better in the past seven days of abstinence from alcohol than in the past months.  I notice a difference in myself, and we have even discussed having sex again once we move to our new apartment in June that has thicker walls (her worry more than mine).  I feel like some form of normality has come into our lives.  Even as we deal with my narc. Mother.  More on that later.

So, checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 7/90
ALCOHOL: day 7

I have been going to AA meetings almost every day this week *=(except for the day before yesterday (Thursday) when we stayed at my Grandparent’s when we brought their car back.  I feel that I will continue going to meetings every day next week, but will reduce it to two or one meetings a week following that. 

I am feeling more empowered as I try to control the world less.  Looking forward to things more.  Next week is our wedding anniversary.  Three years.  They aren’t what they could have been (had I been sober), but this woman is the love of my life and I don’t regret a second with her.

Be back tomorrow.

Rich

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 16, 2019, 10:14:52 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence:
PMO: 5/90
Alcohol: Day 5

Rich

25
Ages 30-39 / Re: Rich's 90 Days
« on: May 14, 2019, 08:55:36 PM »
Checking out

Abstinence
PMO: 3/90
Alcohol: Day 3

Rich

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