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Messages - hansgl2

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Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: August 16, 2016, 08:16:25 AM »
Guys, I'm impressed by some of you that actually manage to tackle this thing. I myself keep failing. I recently had about 20 plus days and I could clearly see the benefits of a reboot. I'm kind of surprised that I cannot do this... I am otherwise quite disciplined and I was able to quit smoking easily once I stopped hanging out with friends that smoked. My therapist tells me my problem is that I don't want to quit! She's probably right. That means I am selfish prick that puts his pleasure (which has almost diminished anyway because of my decades of self-abusing my body) before the happiness of his wife.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: July 07, 2016, 10:02:54 AM »
Day 20!  :D In the 30+ years I have PMOed, twenty days without PMO is a rare occurance for me indeed. Probably only had 4 or 5 periods of this length. I feel great, but I don't want to be overconfident and stay focused on keeping my thoughts clear of fantasies.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: July 06, 2016, 12:30:05 PM »
Day 19. Almost 3 weeks into my reboot. I struggle again with fantasies especially at night before I fall asleep. Honestly it's now really hard not to indulge into thinking about sex or porn. I am starting to feel too confident and I forget all the negative effects my additction has. I have some business travel coming up and my wife is travelling with me. I'll be busy but there should be plenty of time to spend with her and I am looking forward to that.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: July 04, 2016, 05:01:55 PM »
Day 17. July 4th holiday. Holidays are always difficult for my wife as she comes from a large family and is used to huge get togethers. Now, all she has is my company and I have a hard time replacing her siblings. Other than that I usually struggle with slight anxiety before the first work day of the week which is double difficult without my "medicine". Anyway, still feeling great and excited about 17 days without PMOing. My wife and I signed up with a nutritionist because we have been trying to shed a few pounds unsuccessfully. We are hoping that professional advice and accountability will finally help us to reach our goals.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: July 03, 2016, 04:56:01 PM »
Day 16! I had a busy couple of days and promptly didn't manage to post in my journal as I intended. But.... no PMOing! For some reason I have not been bothered with unwanted sexual thoughts at all recently. I am quite surprised and wondering why. I assume it's because I am getting used to it a little bit. But definitely no time for complacency. I've been here before. So I am staying vigilant and firm in my resolve about the reboot. As it's a holiday weekend I am trying to enjoy time with wife and kids and really be available for them and not just think of my own pleasure.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 28, 2016, 04:00:41 PM »
Day 11. I feel great. Still struggling with fantasies but I am very determined to refrain from PMOing. I do read other journals on a daily basis as it is really important for me to keep the focus on the reboot and remind myself constantly that I am addicted and that I have to be really careful as slips can happen very quickly.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 26, 2016, 06:33:51 PM »
Thanks. Day 9. I indulged in a bit of fantasizing but no M. I spent a great weekend with my wife and we visited our oldest daughter who lives nearby.I have not M'd long enough that I now get easily triggered by every female and it takes a lot of effort not to let my thoughts wander. I wonder if this will change and my brain will become used to not think about porn.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 23, 2016, 07:07:45 PM »
I continue to have to be diligent with my thoughts as they easily drift and I know this will become more and more of an issue the longer I'm into my reboot. I am trying to figure out what the term "hard" reboot means, but I couldn't find it yet in the forums.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 22, 2016, 10:32:41 AM »
Day 5 here. Got my workout in early this morning and feeling good physically but I have a stressfull and frustrating work day so far. This is usually a big trigger for me as my insane thinking tells me that I deserve some M for the "tough" life I have. Truth is, things are not as bad as I make myself believe. All I have to do is take my day step-by-step and do my best at work and not let office politics get to me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 20, 2016, 04:21:26 PM »
Thanks for the input carlson. Makes sense. I'm planing on doing that. I had a pretty good work day and I kept busy after all. Tonight I will call my daughter who is married and I am overdue to talk to her. She will be surprised to her from me out of the blue for sure.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 19, 2016, 06:11:33 PM »
Just had a nice day spent with my wife. Almost no unwanted thoughts at all. Trying to concentrate on spending quality time with her. My calendar does not look too busy for Monday so I will have to be vigilante as I work in a home office and plenty of idle time is dangerous for me.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 18, 2016, 10:33:15 AM »
I was definitely tired when I faltered. Should have just went to bed. The thing is, I am happy in my life, so I don't think I use porn and masturbation to escape my problems. Like everybody I have issues from when I was a teenager (parent's divorce, abandonment) that I am dealing with and I do see a therapist regularly. But overall, I love my life and I am very rarely depressed. The reason I want to quit porn is because I have ED and over the last 5 years I probably had sex with my wife only very rarely. My wife deserves better. I am actually surprised that she hasn't kicked me out yet. I definitely deserve to be kicked out. I miss the skin-on-skin intimacy that porn can't provide.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 16, 2016, 08:37:29 AM »
reset today  :-[  :(. Not much to say other than that I need to be much more careful with my thoughts. I need to prepare and have a way to re-direct my thoughts away from fantasies quicker.
I am thinking a lot about my wife who has to suffer because of me. I am failing her as a partner and yet she sticks it out with me and hardly every complains. Which is a miracle. She deserves better.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 12, 2016, 02:50:58 PM »
Tough day today as I am off this Sunday afternoon with nothing specific to do. So my mind keeps wandering toward porn images and I have a difficult time steering them away. Time to get off the couch and occupy my idle mind with something. Day 6 and I am trying not to think how much longer I have to go. Just taking one day at a time.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 11, 2016, 02:27:36 PM »
Thanks Boo and Erasmus_xlt for your feedback. So, I understand that having "normal" sex with my wife would not reset the reboot. But it might be a good idea to fast from sex for 90 days altogether. I am worried that I would entertain memories of porn films if I had sex with my wife at this time. Perhaps further down the road, but just 5 days into my reboot is too soon. I did not tell my wife about the reboot yet. But if I would she would be okay with it as she knows about my addiction and we have been having very infrequent sex to say the least anyway.
So far, on my 5th day, I feel great. I have to be very vigilant and watch my thoughts as they very easily and often direct themselves towards porn. Everything is a trigger for me, especially after a bit of abstinence as my saturation from the last masturbation binge slowly goes away.
I have read many posts and the consensus of long term sober men seems to be that you can never ever entertain anything porn related again, ever. I struggle with that but I can see that it is true. And you would think that with all the hardship that porn has caused me I would jump on the idea. But, full disclosure here, I cannot do that just yet. All I want to concentrate on at this point is to make it 90 days. What happens after that, I don't think about at this point.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 09, 2016, 10:30:33 AM »
I thought about installing filter software but I decided against it for several reasons. I am a software engineer and I have never found any software that can prevent me from bypassing it plus I do most of my acting out with my smart phone and I have to use an iPhone for work. I intend to reset my reboot start day every time I pull up memories of porn in my brain. So, my problem starts way before I actually pull up porn on any of my devices.
Last night, out of habit, I started to think about acting out but I quickly directed my thoughts at my reboot. Recalled the reasons why porn is very bad for me and the promise of a successful reboot. I am on day 3 and it's been fairly easy so far. The real challenge will come once my oversexed mind/body recovers just a tad bit and I know the day will come when I will have this thought process: "Man, it's been x days since I masturbated to porn and since I abstained for x days, the masturbation would be really nice (most of my compulsive masturbation is actually painful since I did it so much and because I don't give my body adequate rest in between). So whenever I abstain for a few days, it gets increasingly harder to resist the temptation.
Other than that, I feel really optimistic and I am kind of exited to fill the time that I used to spend on PMO, I can now use for more useful things like calling my daughter or reading etc.
On thing I am unsure about at this point: Is it okay to have sex with my wife during the reboot or should I tell her that I am rebooting and let her know I can't have sex for 90 days? I will try to find the answer on the website/forum.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 07, 2016, 01:34:09 PM »
Thanks for your posts Chip and Carlson. Much appreciated. I (re-)watched the videos and read through the posts you refered me to. Really good stuff and it gives me hope that I could recover if I stick to the reboot. Kind of a "happy thought" after loosing all hope that I would ever have "normal" sex with my wife again. Day 2 for me. A long way to go and I have to stay vigilant because the slightest glance can change my hole mindset.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: June 06, 2016, 10:15:40 AM »
I reset my counter today. I went on a trip and stayed in a hotel room by myself and I stupidly thought it would be a good oportunity to watch porn on my smartphone. I was fully aware of my ongoing reboot but I thought since I am only 3 days in it, it won't hurt too much if I have to reset. Typical addict reasoning I guess. So here I go again... recommitted to do this.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: May 31, 2016, 07:57:39 AM »
Day 3 here. Last night I had trouble falling asleep and my mind kept wandering and pulling up porn images from memory. It took me a moment to realize that I shouldn't go there and I tried to avoid thinking about it. It was pretty difficult as images kept coming back as I drifted off to sleep. I will have to read up on how much of this is tolerable and whether I have to reset.

Ages 40 and up / Re: yet another journal
« on: May 30, 2016, 01:34:26 PM »
Thanks for the responses guys! It's Memorial Day weekend and we just had a big argument with yelling and screaming in my family. Doesn't happen very often but my two daughters are like oil and vinegar and they cause a lot of grieve when they are together. My first instinct of course was to drive away and visit an adult book store. I really don't know what else to do in these kinds of situations. But I am hanging in there and won't do that today. So I am going to take a nap and see how the situation is when I wake up. I have tremendous guilt that the misbehavior of my kids is because I am a bad father.

Ages 40 and up / yet another journal
« on: May 29, 2016, 06:04:06 PM »
I am a 50 year old married man living in the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia. I have been addicted to porn since I was handed my first porn magazine at age of 14 or 15. My addiction has progressed from playboy type magazines to ever more explicit Internet porn. About 10 years ago I started to notice difficulties with having sex with my wife. I have ED at times and also lost most pleasurable sensation in my penis.  Masturbation hurts and I still do it. Couples therapy and the 12 steps with Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) have not been the solution for me. I have never been able to stop masturbating to porn for more than a couple of weeks. Recently I have seen the episode of Chelsea where two guys talked about their porn addiction and mentioned this website. I am surprised that so many men have ED from porn, I naively thought I am the only one. Anyway, I started a reboot and I intend to keep a journal here. Thanks for reading.

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