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Messages - RecoveryJunkie

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: September 07, 2016, 08:03:39 PM »
Hey Molando,

I read back in your posts and saw that you and your partner are seeking outside help. Its good to hear that you are and not so good to hear of your relationship issues. My thoughts are with both of you as you try to work things out. Ne patient with her, she probably doesn't have half the support that you do. I am assuming a lot here but still, try to be patient and understanding. Congrats on 50 days bro... Your on the beam as far as being porn free is concerned, everything else will work itself out.

2
Honesty is the best policy. Truth is you may even get a nice girl who just can't handle it but that's ok. You are a big boy and you can find someone who is cool with it. I know this is clishé but try not to stress about it. Go out with girls enjoy kissing and holding hands and having fun. Do this and you may find your woody is ready to rock before you even expected. That's my take anyways, and that is what I'm doing at the moment. I had a gf I. My early reboot and after 3 months she broke up with me. Shitty buzz for a few weeks but you know what? Life goes on... Now I'm just trying to have fun dating different types of women until the right one comes along. No worries, life is too short for that shit. None of that shit like girls talking about it really matters anyways bud. Don't let this or other people define you. Be a real man... And by a real man I mean just be honest about everything, even the Ed, if it even comes up. (OMG that's bad pun

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: July 20, 2016, 09:53:25 PM »
Hey M, I agree with Fyg. Your resolve is much stronger than before. I can see and feel that it's over for you. Keep that up, it's a good place to be. I read some of the book passages you posted as well. I have a friend who lost a cousin (georgous woman, 44 years old) to an apparent overdose just two days ago. She was apparently caught up in the sex industry. Very sad, I bet the the life expectancy of these actresses isn't very good. Many likely die from suicide or drug overdoses. I for one want no part of that anymore. It's really amazing how bling we were in our addiction, how completely selfish we were. I find it a blessing to haven eyes opened to that now. Stay strong my friend, I'm in your corner brother. Thanks again, I'm really glad you're back with us!

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Ages 40 and up / Re: New
« on: July 20, 2016, 01:08:46 PM »
Welcome to RN. I admire your courage. You will get out of this experiance what you put into it. I would suggest setting clear goals and educating yourself. Check out yourbrainonporn.com. If you have faith in a higher power. Now is the time to rely on it. Porn is sick and so are we but together we can rewire and recover. Remember, mind body spirit. You are not alone.

5
Hey UM,

I did the same thing a few nights ago. Woke up in the middle of the night at about 70% and JO just needed a release. I've been going througb lots and ibdong feel bad. Not gonna make a habit ofcit either.Head up and stay strong.

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Who wants to let go of such pleasure? Maybe me
« on: July 19, 2016, 05:08:30 AM »
One day at a time brother.... One day at a time!

7
Hey guys,

Thanks for checking in. It had been awhile since I posted and my journal was back logged quit a bit and I couldn't find it last time I looked. I didn't have a great weekend. I have lashed out at people a few times and I really need to get a handle on my anger. Pretty soon no one will be speaking with me. Last few nights  I woke up with a bonner and last night I succumbed to JO with O. I don't consider it a full on relapse as I did not view P or Psubs or even fantacy.

I'm feeling hopeful for my mom. She is coming around since my radiologist friend called her. My dad was also very happy that he called. He is a really kind and caring person and my mom really appreciated the call. She is very scared and didn't get treated very well at the hospital. After speaking with my friend my dad said she was very pleased and wanted to continue treatment. I'm so happy. What a blessing!

I'm going to leave it at that for now as tomorrow is my first day back to work after 12 days and I need to be up really early. Thanks again for those who read my posts and either identify or keep me going. I will be praying for you guys tonight. If you read this, I could sure use a few prayers for my anger outbursts of late. I really want them to stop.

8
One thing you may want to try which may help is to meditated. When I enter sex in a calm mind state I seem to harder than ever. If I enter sex with anxiety and expectations I don't stay hard for very long.

9
Hey fyg!

Great job on 60 days! I find the social aspect extremely important to me as well. In the beginning of my reboot I wanted nothing more than to rewire with women so that I could recover from PIED but now that things didn't work out with my lady friend, I have realized I was not even close to starting a new relationship/ partnership. I'm fortunate that I belong to a 12 step program that encourages healthy interpersonal relationships prior to getting involved romantically. I'm not going to date anyone for the soul purpose of trying to have sex for awhile. I really need to practice setting boundaries and learn to take care of myself first. The best way to do that is to be social with many people. Many different people one on one and also in groups. If I need to go against the grain to accomplish this, so be it. In the end it will have a significant positive effects to any intimate partnership I develop. My mind is so focussed on sec that it comes before anything else but in reality, everything else should come first. I truly believe if I keep doing this The right things will happen for me when I am ready, not when I decide. Again, I'm very happy that you made it to 60. Here's to another 60 X 60. God bless my friend.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: New Beginnings
« on: July 14, 2016, 06:21:02 AM »
I would definately agree with Bob. Meditation is so calming and as you said it helps with self control. A few years back I was meditating with a group and found this so helpful. It was a real source of strength and I found that group meds were more powerful spiritually. What ever you believe in, something in yourself or a higher power. Connect with that. It is real and it will give you strength when the addiction tells you otherwise. Good luck my friend,  our stories are similar. Only difference is I have been in a few longer relationships in my mid 30s to now (43). Women seem to like me until the frustration of PIED and PE and other sexual issues makes me act like an ass. This acting like an ass and blaming women for my issues is the worst thing for me. I know it starts with quitting P and M for me and possibly remaing single for awhile until I stop beating myself up. If I don't stop beating myself up, it will eventually spill over into my relationships and that damage is serious. Hang in there brother, use the resources at your disposal and trust in your higher power, whatever or however you choose to define it. Fell free to PM me anytime if you have any questions or just want to get something off your mind.

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: Malando - getting started.
« on: July 10, 2016, 11:45:13 PM »
M, get back to doing the things that have you strength and purpose when you first started out bro, hope to hear from you soon.

12
Thanks guys! Molando, I'm really glad you are back, get back on that horse my friend, I'm in your corner! Gabriel, that's a really interesting antic-dote. I'm not sure about a special Ed teacher but I have started hanging out with a childhood friend who I never dated but she has in the past referee to herself as a "nice girl". We have always been close and I think if I started opening up to her there may be something there to pursue as a good foundation for a relationship. Although I still am not ready to jump in the sack with her it is something that may develop over time. I really appreciate your comments guys. Thank you so much.

13
Thank you sir!

 I haven't poated much because my life has been in a bit of caos recently. Things have went from bad to worse in my intimate relationship. It has ended, she is no longer speaking to me. I have not relapsed but the derailment of my relationship was largely self induced.

I'm not proud to say this but when she started to pull away I lost my nerve and became a wounded puppy almost doormat style. Trying to do everything for her to make her want to be closer with devastating consequences. I resorted to the dreaded Mr nice guy and she repelled very strongly to that until the breaking point where I attempted to take my power back and told her she was acting like a b@&#.

I have a long road to travel in my recovery. I see that nofap is just scratching the surface. I am prepared to make amends and move on. Had I known how hurtful it was for her to travel this road with me I would never have asked her out. There was not enough foundation to sustain the relationship.

You see a relationship is based on giving and receiving and starting a reboot at the same time as a relationship where sexually I can only give and not receive is really complicated and lead to a host of unhealthy relationship stuff and when it fell off the rails it was ugly.

Having said that, and gone through that, I have not relapsed, my relationship with my higher power is getting stronger and my confidence is slowly returning.

I have come to realize that a lot of my "nice guy" buddies are porn addicts as well (I can easily think of 5). I have discovered, and this is a wonderful self discovery, that I need to make fundamental changes in my character with regards to being nice as opposed to being a good person. In my last relationship I was not a nice guy. I tended to be more of an ass. This kept me in my disease.

I am seeing my therapist on Thursday and will make a plan to address this manipulative behaviour. It isn't working for me and pushes people away. I know at the core I am a good man and these are just behaviours born of deep insecurities. I spent a couple of weeks in pretty heavy self pity mode but that is over and I am determined to overcome this triumphantly!

I will leave it with a quote that comes to mind "To thyne own self be true."  Please send some positive vibes my way and I will do the same for you my brothers.

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: What would you do?
« on: July 07, 2016, 10:50:55 PM »
Hey SoBe,

I've been in this very predicament for years now. I've never been married. ED has been an issue for me for a long time for me on and off. Mostly off. I definately have a degree of PIED although I rarely get 100% when watching. Maybe it's because I didn't get into crazy content much I don't know... But the other part that hampers my ability with a real woman is the PA. I'm always stressing about if it will work this time or not. Especially with a new woman. I fear the embarassement and the let down of my partner, of feeling like less than a man. I've known I have a problem for some time now and have dated many woman through this time and ED was not a favourite topic of conversation. Usually I don't mention it till it doesn't happen. Until recently when I found out 3 months ago about PIED. I am a diabetic but was recently cascular tested and they said blood flow is normal. So not to get too melodramatic on you but after my fiancée left me about a year and a half ago. This was definately porn related and lack of intimacy and lack of interest in sex with her related. She was georgo us by the way.

So rewind about 3.5 months ago and I know this woman who is single who is really sexy and Funny and I like her so I ask her out but this time I just found out about PIeD and I decide to tell her. Of course this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but I do it anyways. And to my surprise after the initial shock she decides she wants to continue dating me and be supportive. Things went really good for awhile, while rewiring we did a lot of forwplay and oral and I always got her there. She loved that about me. Then we started getting feelings as this was honest from the start and I think I probably opened up a bit too much about my issue and one night after sex she woke in the night and found me JO in my sleep. I don't even recall doing it. I am trying for strict no M and no P. I have had sex a few times and a few BJs to O. But she was really freaked out all of a sudden and started pulling away wich I tried to control to no avail.

Anyways, it was a bit awkward but I am going through it. Yes it's painfull and I feel rejected but I brought it on myself in a way with the Porn Addiction. Do I regret going though it. Absolutely not! Does it suck sometes, yes. Am I gonna continue to feel sorry for myself, no. Live live, date rewire recover. If it's not meant to be, don't fight it. Just feel the feelings whatever they are they won't kill you and get back out there and try to find love again always start with honesty. Sooner or later it will be great and you will have recovered!

Sorry for the long winded response, I hope when you read this you find it positive and helpful. If not just move on to something that does.

15
Hey bro,

I go through this too, I'm quite a bit older than you and although I have experienced sex. It is sometimes difficult because of this PA that takes root almost as soon as the first time you can't get it up with a woman. For me at your age I was so scared that a girl would tell everyone I avoided it like the plague. I desperately wanted to have sex but had so much anxiety that I turned to PMO from a very young age. The best thing is that I finally know what is wrong with me and I accept it and I will, as best I can, be patient with myself. I'm 90 days in and realize now that it will take a while longer to reboot. I think it helps to feel secure with your partner so for me openess and honesty is vital but it doesn't guarentee anything. My brain is still wired wrong and changing that will take a while.... There is PA and also there is just Danny frustration from being so horny and not being able to seal the deal. This gets me into trouble so I have to be careful about my mood when being sexual also.

Anyways bro, just a few thoughts that might hopefully help. I think you should try meditating before sex. Ask your partner to do it with you. It's really pretty cool! If you don't know how to meditate try you tube or Google it.

16
Hey bro, I sent you a PM. I can't find it in SENT messages though so not sure if you got it or not so let me know.

To answer your question....  And this is just my opinion. Get into oral sex, it's very pleasurable for both men and women alike and you can do this while rebooting. As for forwplay before sex, and I struggle with this just like you. As soon as we start kissing I get hard then I start forwplay and by the time I've taken care of her. My dick is done. My advice is just give the idea of penetration a bit of a break, enjoy oral, she will too and it will come in time.

You might also want to try to meditate with your partner before being sexual. It slows the mind and the blood flow may tend to go to the proper head, if you know what I mean? It also a very intimate thing to do with your partner.

Another problem I have with a real partner is if I O first. I'm not so motivated to work to get her off so I try to always do her first. Then maybe take a bit of a break, start kissing again and see what happens.

Also, if your not one for oral all the time, use KY jelly for lube....

17
Bro just be patient, this is a process and trust me I do know how you feel. It's very frustrating. Personally I think it is partial PA because I'm always worried if it's gonna work this time it not. When it does work it's cause I'm not stressing out wondering if it will work or not.

Hang in there bro. You basically just described me to a tee and I am about two weeks behind you in my reboot. Have faith it will work out. We can't give up, we are almost there.  I read that Gabe took several months to completely reboot and he said it was a rather gradual process. Also it can be different for everyone so don't dispair.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: New here - abbreviations defined please
« on: July 06, 2016, 05:29:21 AM »
No problem, I just copy and pasted the post from Gabe.

Ya its normal to question these things. For me it's definately a tough pill to swallow having ED, wether it's PIED or PA (performance anxiety) it's still sucks that my manhood is broken. I can tell you that although having seen significant improvement, I still have this thing. Patience and resolve to change is key my friend.

Look forward to hearing your story.

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: New here - abbreviations defined please
« on: July 06, 2016, 12:01:18 AM »
Here is all the abbreviations and definitions you will need:

*Reboot Nation Vocabulary*
Accountability Partners: Accountability partners are pairs who hold each other responsible for their sexual habits
Chaser Effect:The strong desire to masturbate and/or watch porn, that sometimes hits 1-3 days after sexual acts. Especially powerful early on in a reboot
Death Grip: The tight-fisted grip on the penis many men develop by masturbating. Because it is much more constricted than the grip of an actual vagina, the death grip overstimulates the penis, reduces pleasure in the long run, and can make it difficult or impossible to orgasm with a woman.
DE: Delayed ejaculation – can include inability to orgasm during intercourse (if severe enough)
ED: Erectile dysfunction – inability to maintain an erection during intercourse
Edging: Masturbating without orgasm.
Fapping: The act of masturbation, usually in conjunction with pornography
Flatlining: Many Rebooters report one or more periods of zero libido during their streak, especially in the 2-6 week period. Transitioning from an overexcited, always-eager libido to none at all can be disconcerting and even scary for the experienced rebooter, but many rebooters report that it is only a phase in the recovery process and will pass.
NRB: No Reason Boner. When a man gets an erection for no reason. Common among teenagers... who are not desensitized by porn.
NSFW: Not safe for work. This label is affixed to potentially-triggering content and should be viewed with caution
PA: Performance Anxiety. When a guy is so anxious about sex he looses his erection. If a guy can get an erection to porn but not his own hand when masturbating, then it is porn induced and not anxiety. If he cannot get an erection to porn either it may be severe porn induced ED or something else. When in doubt see a good doctor.
PE: Premature ejaculation
PIV: Penis in vagina (sexual intercourse)
PMO: Watching porn while masturbating to orgasm. Porn/Masturbation/Orgasm. Most guys today think about all three and assume you mean all three when you talk about them individually.
PVO: Porn / Vibrator / Orgasm
P-Subs: Porn substitutes. Any artificial material that isn't necessarily sexual, but is used by a rebooter instead of porn. Examples include searching social media for pictures of people one finds attractive, viewing booty shaking (twerking) videos on YouTube, etc.
Reboot: Complete rest of artificial sexual stimulation (a time away from porn). Everyone's recovery is different in what it looks like and how long it will take. However, there are many similarities in certain age groups.
Refractory Period:Time it takes a man to get another erection after ejaculating.
Relapse: On Reboot Nation this would mean intentionally watching porn during the reboot.
Wet Dream:Ejaculating in your sleep. Scientific term is a nocturnal emission.
YBOP: www.YourBrainOnPorn.com
YBR: YourBrainRebalanced.com. A forum similar to RebootNation.
YMMV: Your Mileage May Vary. Good words to remember, because no two reboots are exactly alike.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: New here - abbreviations defined please
« on: July 05, 2016, 11:48:15 PM »
Welcome to the site and good luck with your recovery. I have just now surpassed 90 days without PMO (watching Porn and Masterbating to Orgasm). I believe there is a post by Gabe Deem that explains most abbreviations but here are a few for you to get started...
PA Porn Addict
M Masterbate
SO Significant Other
PSubs Porn Substitutes (Facebook profiles of hotties, dating sites or any other pixel you may get off on or trigger you to fantacy)
P Porn
YBOP Your Brain On Porn
ED Erectile Disfuntion
DE Delayed Edjaculation

There are probably a few more but these are the most common ones. Feel free to ask any question on here and tell us your story and what brings you here. Tell us what you want out of this reboot experience.

The best thing you can do is look up yourbrainonporn.com and educate yourself. Be ready to make a healthy lifestyle change which may or may not include excercise, prayer and meditation, journaling, healthy eating habits. Moderate or stop drinking alcohol or drugs including weed. The more healthier habits you can start on your reboot the better it will be for you.

Good luck! And feel free as I say to ask anything or share anything but be respectful in your comments.

21
Thanks for your comments. I have been feeling that it is unfair to her to be in a relationship with me. We are both recovering alcoholics and the addiction and brain chemistry component was on the table from day one. Although She was a bit apprehensive in the initial disclosure I think we both got wrapped up in the excitement of a new and honest relationship. I really appreciate your comments. I do feel I need to let go of the romantic ideals. They seem to take up most of my thoughts and I know this is not healthy.

I also liked the idea of just hanging out once in a while with no romance. I will talk to her about this and if she isn't sure about it I will let it go completely.

Thank you so much for your insight and stay strong! I have the utmost respect for you as a person and what you have gone through.

God bless!

22
Hello ladies,

I have been dating this beautiful woman for about three months. Very early on in our relationship I told her about my PA and issues with PIED, about a week or two after statring dating her.  She was obviously quite shocked at first but decided to be suportive with my recovery.  i explained to her what rebooting was all about, hardmode. 90 days of no porn, masterbating or orgasming. I have not watched porn or masterbated to orgasm in 87 days.

We actually hit it off very well in the start and started developping feelings for each other but things started changing for her a few weeks ago after we made love for the first time and later that night she woke up  and found me trying to masterbate in my sleep, I have no recollection of this and she also believes I was sleeping. At first she said nothing of this but I noticed something wasnt right so I asked her what was going on.  She told me what happened and mentioned the incident which happened two nights in a row and also the fact that I had orgasmed a few times within the 90 days. I also used viagra once to see if it would help me come out of flatline but it didn't help and she was upset that I had taken Viagra without talking to her about it first which is understandable but it didn't occure to me to tell her at the time. She said all this made her confused and she felt she wanted some time to herself to think things out. She has often told me that it's ok with her that I am not able to get hard but I tried to explain that it is very frustrating for me as a man to not be able to function properly.

Iinitially I was very scarred to loose her, I was also frustrated because I just regained my ability to have sex. I really like her alot but when she told me that she wanted to slow things down I got very fearful and started hating how I felt completely powerless and controlled by the fear. This lasted about a week and although I still feel some fear it is not an impending doom feeling and I know whatever happends is not going to set me off and I am dealing with my issues in healthy ways like seeing a therapist and excercising regularly and eating well. 

We havent talked much over the last few weeks but tonight I stopped by her place and I told her of my progress despite the break. She was polite but quiet and when I asked her what was on her mind she said she doesn't want to talk about my recovery anymore.

I know we have feelings for one another and I want to move forward but it has gotten so awkward I often don't know what to do or say anymore. I'd like some sensible feedback from a woman's perspective. I will not to loose hope for recovery, I know I will beat this with or without her but I very much want her in my life.




23
Thanks so much guys!

24
I'm Happy to report that I feel that I've come through the fear unscathed and stronger. It's been a few days now since things are looking up on that front and I intend to continue doing what I am doing. Since feeling on the verge of cracking up. I have recommitted to my faith in God and worked on certain things which have helped me tremendously.

1) I wrote out a prayer that I say in the morning and at night before bed.
2) I listen to a simple affirmation YouTube video called Confidence
3) I have decided to make myself available to people who come into my life needing help in whatever ways I can be helpful
4) I have been hitting the rugged terrain on my mountain bike every other day
5) I have been journaling  and talking things out with trusted friends
6) I have turned over the issues I am having which I cannot control to God, like my mom and my gf.

The result is I feel free and confident that I can get through anything. Fear is an ugly thing but we can walk through it without PMO.

A couple of quotes which have helped me immensely in these last few weeks...

"The best way around fear is through it."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Apologies to any atheists or non Christians, I only post this because it helped me. Not to offend anyone. I encourage anyone to post anything that has helped them get through a tough time regardless of what others might think, including me. This is  my recovery journal. I am in no way saying you must believe as I do. Just saying this is what I have done to survive a dark place I was in for several weeks.

Good luck to all!


25
I don't even know what bath mate means???

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