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Messages - freemenow

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I can say almost 100% that I have PIED. I never think about real sex with real people, and if I even try I get no physical response. I'm only 15, so obviously I have no sexual experience. From the moment i could ejaculate, I was watching porn. I think my brain thinks porn is real sex. This is to the point where I have had absolutely no attraction in my life to a real person, but I can search porn for hours.  As I quit, how am i going to train myself to get hard at real people?

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Teens / Re: freemenow's addiction journal
« on: October 04, 2015, 12:58:02 PM »
I guess not tomorrow. It is now a week later  :P

In that time, I fucked up on the friday. Sad, but this new streak I have (though short) has been going great so far. I've almost completely walled me and porn with almost no way to quickly access it (would take me many many many hours, and by then I would have something to do or my good side will get back to me).

Tonight, when i slept, I had a pmo dream. I dreamt that I was masturbating to pornographic material. Is my brain that desperate? That's driving me forward today, because today I am getting my first big urges.

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Teens / freemenow's addiction journal
« on: September 27, 2015, 06:25:52 PM »
March 2013- December 26 2015 (I hope) RIP porn addiction.

I don't know why the fuck I did it, but at 10 in the morning i relapsed. 3 hours. It's like it numbs my willpower and sense of "crap, this is wrong" until it's too late. I guess I'll use this as my support group for now. I've gotten a whole arsenal of porn blockers now, but nothing will  numb the imagination. It has been half a day and I am still being driven to go back by my porn thoughts. 1 relapse/ feel like shit for hours is bad enough, 2 would just be despair.

I made another post on the forum yesterday about my symptoms. To save you some time, I will just write them down with little explanation here.

- HOCD OR SOCD: Have had false attractions to men (attraction with no drive to do anything, fades within a month), watches gay (sometimes fetish) porn, a guy on a screen makes me hard, even just seeing guy in real life just gives me anxiety. Has only crushed on 1 (one) girl despite fact that I have been going through puberty for two years.

-ANXIETY: At even the mere sight of a man who does not look 12, I turn into a mess. I sometimes get full blown panic attacks if this goes far enough, or my brain leads me to certain things upon sight of men, and I just mess up. Anxiety over everything relating to sex, relationships, love, crushes, anything that would involve me having to like a real person and not a pixelated video or picture.

-HYPERSEXUAL: As we can see from the paragraph above, my brain connects man= sex. Therefore, upon the sight of a man all my brain thinks is "is he hot" or "would i have sex" despite the fact that I feel absolutely no connection to men. My whole life revolves around my own sexual pleasure now, and not my advances.

-EMOTIONAL DULLING: I feel almost no emotion now after day 0-2. After that I'm a hot mess of anxiety, depression, anger, irritability, but over all I have lost excitement for life. After watching porn and leaving my room and going outside, the world is almost too much for me to handle. I live in a fantasy world of men having sex.

-RANDOM EXHAUSTION- Self explanatory.

I believe I've gotten this whole sexual orientation problem from my own lack of self appreciation and feeling of self worth. I was never happy with myself, and alot of the guys in these pornos are essentially what I want to be in terms of appearance. It's weird because... I didn't fap while imagining myself as the top or bottom, I fapped to the image of the men themselves. Looking at "myself" so to speak, but this was destructive and led to my quick 2 year spiral into this addiction.

I have been trying to quit since December 24, 2014, lets see if I can get this show on the road once and for all, and sort out all my problems. I'm old enough now where I can do what I want and grow myself mentally and physically. I won't have to use porn to make myself feel better, I can just naturally be driven to become better and the "dream" that I have been hopelessly masturbating to for 2 years.

I wont spam a wall of text here anymore, but I do feel it was necessary as my introductory post. See you tomorrow.

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I wish I could find another hobby, but I don't exactly have much money to do that. I have a huge list of hobbies I want to experiment with.I'm so tired of the internet and gaming,and of course the big bad ones P and M. However, I'm a few years young for essentially all of them, and right now I have to deal with my job, going to the gym (hopefully my routine works!) and my school. If I were to do a sport, it would be hurling, but there's nothing about hurling in america that I know of, it's a gaelic game. Well, deleting games, I did that but inadvertently by screwing up my hard drive and having to reset it. I've been done with games for a while though. Socializing I've gradually gotten better with, but quitting will help me 10000%. Parties were never really my thing, but they are definitely yours! Honestly, I don't really care or want to care about having sex all the time, I just want to have the capacity to fall in love with a girl. This thing is killing me from the inside with the fact that I can't fall in love or find any one at all attractive in real life! I can change that around though.

I didn't bother to read my post again, and you said that the people in the gym don't care about me. I agree with that statement, but I just don't like them because they are so annoying. All I hear while I'm there is the slamming of a ridiculously heavy weight, a loud grunt when they finish reps, and just in general being kind of assholish to the other 75% of the people in the gym who are courteous and just trying to get fit or stay fit. They are on another level.

Good for you with your recovery! But don't just stop at 75 days! You can get rid of it forever! Although I am wondering, how do you become an "aesthetic swimmer"? (not that I want to, but I'm just confused with that.) Also, I may not want to this, and I feel weird saying this but, uh, go get em!  ;)

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Teens / 15 year old finally quitting, just bear with me and read/help me.
« on: September 26, 2015, 03:59:37 PM »
I have been masturbating since 12, starting in March 2013 (used to think it was a few days before my birthday but i found new info from an account i had that says otherwise). I never masturbated without porn. It is now September 2015. I said I would quit on 24 December 2014. It has been 9 months, and now, if this streak shall be my last, i will achieve 90 at 366 days after the initial commitment.

My porn use escalated extremely quickly. In 2013 (i guess my brain somehow knew) I knew doing it too much might be bad, so i restricted myself to every few days. But once I saw how much hot stuff there was online, it collapsed within a matter of months and by January 2014 that whole rule was nonexistent. This year it has been off and on because I'm trying to quit, but I am still very bad. I have only made it to 7 days 3 times, and my longest streak is 12, ended by an extreme depressive episode (didn't read what my withdrawal symptoms would be.)
I feel like I'm walking on a lonely road without much determination, my new essentially unblock proof filters and willpower alone shall help me. I'm going through this journey while I'm still young, and before it's too late. I'm bad enough already in terms of the effects of porn on me.

 I used to deny sexuality towards people, thinking any sexual thoughts towards people= pervert. I started using porn, because hey, it's not people! Bad, bad mistake. I'm at the point now where I can only get hard to porn, and real people give me no reaction whatsoever from my penis. PIED and PE as a result of porn. This gives me a real sense of inadequacy

I think I have HOCD. Please help me with this, it's killing me inside, and not because I would hate myself if I was gay, but because I don't know what I want. I started watching gay porn, and I thought I was gay. Which I would be fine with. However, i noticed, I masturbate to gay porn, and throw it away. When I watch porn, I look at the guys. Usually, they are a reflection of what I want to be appearance like, and I really masturbate to my own self image problems as I will talk about a few paragraphs down. When I look at guys and develop relationships with guys... it's just not there. All I feel is anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. I can think, hey, he's cute, and develop what I think are false attractions. I "got crushes" on guys and they fade within weeks or a month. Theres no sense of wanting to live with the person or kiss and the big one, not even have sex with them. It just comes and goes. I doubt my gay-ness due to this.

With girls however, I developed a crush on one before porn. I wanted to see her all the time, talk to her ALL THE TIME. We did talk all the time, and while it faded after like 2 years (strange, masturbating to gay porn but wanting to love this girl.), I felt a real desire to connect with her, and kiss and hug her ALL THE TIME. Real sappy stuff. But as I said earlier, I REFUSED to think of sex with a person, because thats bad and perverted, so I refused to think about sex to her and went on my merry way fapping to porn. I think I like girls because of this, but I haven't had a crush since. It's tearing me apart, there's no way i'm asexual, i get urges and boners to sexual thoughts about pornos! I need to rewire my brain. Any comments on this please? I need to know your opinion, emphasis on NEED.

I have no motivation to do or try anything, I just wanna sit at home fapping and sitting in my comfort zone. My biggest trigger is opening my front door after school. I need to quit, what can I do to help restrict myself? I am a 15 year old nerd who has never played sports or exercised in his life, and therefore is very weak. This plus the fact that I look 12 give me a feeling of inadequacy like no other, and all I do is get depressed over the fact that I look this way and that I'm so weak I can barely do anything. I've just started the gym a month ago, and do go every time, but I get so much anxiety from the other men in the gym, and the slamming of weights and atmosphere. I really have to push myself in there mentally as well as physically.

And finally, random irritability as most men have it. Annoying, but I can deal with it.

My self shame keeps bringing me back, but it's not like puberty and working out will instantly get rid of everything I shame and depress myself about. A change can't come overnight and help me out. What can I do to get rid of all this Please comment below?

And finally, thank you so much for listening to my woes and story.

 

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