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Messages - Johnny

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: July 30, 2015, 06:21:40 AM »
SouthwestGuy,
I can feel that you understand my difficulties, and it makes it a little easier to know that i'm not alone  :)
Thanks a lot

Johnny

2
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: July 25, 2015, 03:18:15 AM »
Thanks Renovatio

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: July 21, 2015, 08:59:25 AM »
Hey,
Haven't been here for a while.
After 80+ days i relapsed, started watching p again every few days.
for some reason i feel helpless, its hard for me to quit, and i don't know what to do

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 22, 2015, 09:27:15 AM »
Thanks man:)

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 22, 2015, 02:27:58 AM »
Two big things i noticed the last two days:
1) When speaking with a woman i'm attracted to, simply by connecting with her i felt aroused. It wasn't very very strong, but still tingles   
     and attraction which didn't happen to me for a while.

2) Woke up this morning with a morning wood. This felt great because i haven't experience it a very long time.

Question:
If i had the morning wood right after an erotic dream, is that still considered a normal functioning morning erection? or is it just the dream manifestation?
Thanks

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 20, 2015, 03:54:31 AM »
Yesterday i had sex with my girlfriend. I took a ED pill before just to make sure everything worked, and not experience the embarrassment of ED. Although, in the last few times we had been together i didn't take one, and my erection wasn't stable.
My main problem, beside unstable E, is that i have a pretty bad case of PE, after few minutes, causing my partner to feel frustrated and even rejected. I haven't share with her my addiction, because our relationship is a bit complicated (yea, i also hate that word...).
We don't meet very often, and when we do, i feel pressure to perform my best, and i guess the stress is the main cause of my PE.
Any thoughts on how to overcome this will be great:)
I would very much like to share with her my problem, but don't feel i can anytime soon. Maybe if we manage to get our relationship stable i would in the future...(we are working on it).
Also, any views on ED pills? do you think it's wise to take them on my recovery to gain confidence? (i'm lowering the dosage gradually so i don't become dependent on them...

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: Becoming Unstuck and Welcoming a Brighter Future
« on: April 20, 2015, 03:39:48 AM »
Hey CharmingandAlarming, i read your story and could relate to it, mostly the part of being half  and half in many aspects of life.
I believe that as long as you stay on the path toward recovery, the relapses are really just little stones you have to kick on your way to create new and better habits.
I wish you great luck and motivation on your pending recovery:)
Johnny

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 20, 2015, 03:38:26 AM »
Hi CharmingandAlarming
I read your story and can relate to many parts of it. Thank you for reading mine and giving your optimistic view on things:)
Good luck on your journey to overcome this addiction.

9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 19, 2015, 08:28:50 AM »
cinefile77,
Your message is really spot on, and i feel that you understand my situation on a deep level, and i'm very thankful for that:)
I will check that movie asap, and your comments regarding size and food are really helpful.
Thank you for giving thought to my shenanigans:) it's not obvious these days...
Good luck to you as well!

10
Porn Addiction / Re: Unhealthy Food and TV
« on: April 19, 2015, 08:16:59 AM »
Hi Chaos Mind,
Thanks, it scared me to think that i must do something else to get that dopamine rush, and i'ts very comforting to know you had a similar problem and you overcame it.
I'll take your advice and let it be until my P addiction get less intense, and then i'll work harder on the diet aspect.
I am searching right now for an app that will count the days that i'm "sober", like the counter on the forum... Just to keep track of my progress regard POM and Junk food as well.
Thanks again:)

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 18, 2015, 11:56:38 AM »
Thanks pinkerton :)
I need those reassuring words on my way, and you're very helpful :)
My basic diet is healthy and i am exercising, will try not to stress on those occasional binges.
One addiction at a time...

12
Porn Addiction / Unhealthy Food and TV
« on: April 18, 2015, 07:36:06 AM »
Hey,
9 Days to my 90 days goal and i noticed different challenges, would appreciate any advice...
1) When watching TV shows or movies, i notice my eyes automatically moving to the women. I don't M or anything, and when i notice myself fixed on them, i stop and move my gaze to a different place. Is that good? or is it a relapse of some sort?

2) I noticed that my cravings for junk food and generally unhealthy foods increased, and it almost feels like a strong addiction to the dopamine surge that induces in me.
While i do try to eat healthy most of the time, i occasionally binge on them.
Am i just switching one addiction with another? and am i sabotaging my progress? or is it ok to let this period of junk food eating be (at least for a while) until i get my main P addiction sorted out?
Modify message

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 18, 2015, 07:30:44 AM »
Hey,
9 Days to my 90 days goal and i noticed different challenges, would appreciate any advice...
1) When watching TV shows or movies, i notice my eyes automatically moving to the women. I don't M or anything, and when i notice myself fixed on them, i stop and move my gaze to a different place. Is that good? or is it a relapse of some sort?

2) I noticed that my cravings for junk food and generally unhealthy foods increased, and it almost feels like a strong addiction to the dopamine surge that induces in me.
While i do try to eat healthy most of the time, i occasionally binge on them.
Am i just switching one addiction with another? and am i sabotaging my progress? or is it ok to let this period of junk food eating be (at least for a while) until i get my main P addiction sorted out? 

14
Thanks jkkk,
I will stop using it, and maybe will stop M altogether.
Appreciate your help:)

15
mm:(
thanks, i understand...

16
Hey, no, at the end of my message - that's a counter for how many days i've been without using P...
A Fleshlight is a sexual toy for men. I don't want to add more for it's probably a trigger for other people...

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 15, 2015, 11:30:42 AM »
Hi pinkerton,
I apologize for not adding the triggers warning before i post this message.
I have a tendency to disconnect from myself when writing so i will not filter myself and be as honest as i can, and it sometimes become graphic.
I'm new to this type of forums and will check myself twice before posting any detail which can be a trigger for some.
Thanks for responding kindly about it:)
and thanks for welcoming me

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: Climbing - Please help:)
« on: April 15, 2015, 10:00:11 AM »
Hey, thanks for your encouraging words:)
I will check back daily to reinforce my dedication to quitting
 

19
What are your thoughts about Fleshlight?
If i use it during my reboot is that considered a relapse?

20
Ages 30-39 / Climbing - Please help:) (Triggers Warning)
« on: April 15, 2015, 04:46:17 AM »
Hi everyone, here's my story:
I'm 29, been addicted to porn since age 12 maybe.
From a very early age i was very insecure about my penis size, it got to a point where i would not take a shower with other guys, and even if we were on a trip and all the guys would go pee outside together, i would hold it in until i got to a private bathroom (i almost exploded that day, it was horrible). Whenever someone (usually men) would see my penis, they would make a joke, or a sarcastic remark, which made me feel even more self conscious.
That led me to use porn a lot, because i felt no one would judge me there and i would be pleased. And i was right.
People always thought i was very mysterious because of my introverted personality, little they know it was mostly related to my embarrassment.
Nevertheless, i manage to get girlfriends and have sex on occasion. Always fearing women would laugh at my member, i orgasm very quickly and turn my back on them so they don't see my penis flaccid. After a few times i got dumped from relationships (which were very short- each lasting a month, tops) i got even more introverted and depressed. My then very grown OCD kicked in very strong, and i found refuge in porn.
Very soon, even before my romantic relationships, i got to a point where i would need very very hardcore videos to get off. Even, to my disgust, extreme real violence and bestiality. Also, i started questioning my sexuality, because i knew i was attracted to women, but i noticed that i started getting off on gay material as well. Usually fantasizing being the one anally penetrated.
A submissive.
I rationalized that as being my "fate" because of my small organ. And what i "deserved" for my lack of manliness.
I watched gay porn vigorously, and experimented with improvised toys to penetrate myself. Because of my Obsessive condition, i always finished to a "right" kind of porn, who involved women, because otherwise i would feel shame, guilt, depressed, anxious, and even suicidal.
i was so confused after i orgasm, because then i felt totally heterosexual, but for some reason i needed extreme gay porn in order to get off.
My depression, OCD, anxiety, and despair continued downhill for the years to come. During which, I've been in and out of short term relationships, occasional dates, and the last few years in a long term relationship (my first), with a woman. Which is a very problematic on-off relationship. (i would not go any further into this subject right now...).
The whole time porn was always in the background, and a few times a week in the front line as well. Reaching days which i wasted entirely on porn and masturbation, that climaxed this year to using apps and sexual video broadcasting of my self in the gay forums usually.
Apps which led to a few gay sexual encounters, that were very troubling, making myself a sexual surrendered submissive at best, expecting abuse. (During those encounters i never had an erection).
Still fighting with OCD, i immediately needed to "correct" the gay sexual acts to a "right" straight sex act. These made me at first resort to the service of prostitutes, and later just to meaningless sexual encounters with women with which i didn't particularly had interest in. I'm very ashamed of my behavior and i believe most of it is highly influenced by my porn addiction.
I'm currently in therapy the last year or so, and before i was in a 2 years therapy with another psychologist. I'm also taking prescribed medications for the treatment of depression, OCD, Anxiety and sleep.

Today, about a week ago i spoke with a friend who's a doctor, about my very low libido and my inability to have sex with my girlfriend, as my erections are very unstable and my very bad case of PE, and after questioning me a bit, he asked me if i have an addiction to porn, and i agreed. Especially after testing my ability to have an erection using porn, which was immediate and long lasting.
He prescribed me with ED drug and told me to quit porn, take a 20mg pill only before sexual intercourse until i gain some confidence, and gradually decrease the dosage until i no longer need it.
It helped a bit, not to increase my libido, but when i got an erection it would be long lasting, even when i masturbated with no porn.

Right now i'm writing this after a few days of no porn, and i'm feeling the flatline pretty rough. I masturbated a few times without porn, and without fantasizing of porn, and sometimes no fantasizing at all. And i don't orgasm during my masturbation, so i will have strength for real sex with my girlfriend. (which we had only once since i quit porn, and in that time i had PE).

Also, today, a few weeks (while i was in a porn frenzy) after ordering a dildo online, i received it today and tried using it while i masturbated (not having an orgasm).
Does that mean i relapsed? and should i reset my Counter?

I very very much would like to get my ED and PE fixed, and i would be very relieved if quitting porn would help that...

Sorry for the long story, but i wanted to make sure i hit every point i thought was relevant here (also, having OCD doesn't help much in that department...).
Thanks,
Johnny
 

21
Ages 20-29 / Depressed & Confused
« on: April 14, 2015, 07:42:53 AM »
Hi everyone, here's my story:
I'm 29, been addicted to porn since age 12 maybe.
From a very early age i was very insecure about my penis size, it got to a point where i would not take a shower with other guys, and even if we were on a trip and all the guys would go pee outside together, i would hold it in until i got to a private bathroom (i almost exploded that day, it was horrible). Whenever someone (usually men) would see my penis, they would make a joke, or a sarcastic remark, which made me feel even more self conscious.
That led me to use porn a lot, because i felt no one would judge me there and i would be pleased. And i was right.
People always thought i was very mysterious because of my introverted personality, little they know it was mostly related to my embarrassment.
Nevertheless, i manage to get girlfriends and have sex on occasion. Always fearing women would laugh at my member, i orgasm very quickly and turn my back on them so they don't see my penis flaccid. After a few times i got dumped from relationships (which were very short- each lasting a month, tops) i got even more introverted and depressed. My then very grown OCD kicked in very strong, and i found refuge in porn.
Very soon, even before my romantic relationships, i got to a point where i would need very very hardcore videos to get off. Even, to my disgust, extreme real violence and bestiality. Also, i started questioning my sexuality, because i knew i was attracted to women, but i noticed that i started getting off on gay material as well. Usually fantasizing being the one anally penetrated.
A submissive.
I rationalized that as being my "fate" because of my small organ. And what i "deserved" for my lack of manliness.
I watched gay porn vigorously, and experimented with improvised toys to penetrate myself. Because of my Obsessive condition, i always finished to a "right" kind of porn, who involved women, because otherwise i would feel shame, guilt, depressed, anxious, and even suicidal.
i was so confused after i orgasm, because then i felt totally heterosexual, but for some reason i needed extreme gay porn in order to get off.
My depression, OCD, anxiety, and despair continued downhill for the years to come. During which, I've been in and out of short term relationships, occasional dates, and the last few years in a long term relationship (my first), with a woman. Which is a very problematic on-off relationship. (i would not go any further into this subject right now...).
The whole time porn was always in the background, and a few times a week in the front line as well. Reaching days which i wasted entirely on porn and masturbation, that climaxed this year to using apps and sexual video broadcasting of my self in the gay forums usually.
Apps which led to a few gay sexual encounters, that were very troubling, making myself a sexual surrendered submissive at best, expecting abuse. (During those encounters i never had an erection).
Still fighting with OCD, i immediately needed to "correct" the gay sexual acts to a "right" straight sex act. These made me at first resort to the service of prostitutes, and later just to meaningless sexual encounters with women with which i didn't particularly had interest in. I'm very ashamed of my behavior and i believe most of it is highly influenced by my porn addiction.
I'm currently in therapy the last year or so, and before i was in a 2 years therapy with another psychologist. I'm also taking prescribed medications for the treatment of depression, OCD, Anxiety and sleep.

Today, about a week ago i spoke with a friend who's a doctor, about my very low libido and my inability to have sex with my girlfriend, as my erections are very unstable and my very bad case of PE, and after questioning me a bit, he asked me if i have an addiction to porn, and i agreed. Especially after testing my ability to have an erection using porn, which was immediate and long lasting.
He prescribed me with ED drug and told me to quit porn, take a 20mg pill only before sexual intercourse until i gain some confidence, and gradually decrease the dosage until i no longer need it.
It helped a bit, not to increase my libido, but when i got an erection it would be long lasting, even when i masturbated with no porn.

Right now i'm writing this after a few days of no porn, and i'm feeling the flatline pretty rough. I masturbated a few times without porn, and without fantasizing of porn, and sometimes no fantasizing at all. And i don't orgasm during my masturbation, so i will have strength for real sex with my girlfriend. (which we had only once since i quit porn, and in that time i had PE).

Also, today, a few weeks (while i was in a porn frenzy) after ordering a dildo online, i received it today and tried using it while i masturbated (not having an orgasm).
Does that mean i relapsed? and should i reset my Counter?

I very very much would like to get my ED and PE fixed, and i would be very relieved if quitting porn would help that...

Sorry for the long story, but i wanted to make sure i hit every point i thought was relevant here (also, having OCD doesn't help much in that department...).
Thanks,
Johnny
 

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