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Messages - zazen

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Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: August 04, 2019, 06:30:42 PM »
thanks everyone for replying. Hope you've all had some good weeks.

3 months!.. I am 106 days in, all hard mode. 
There have been a couple of times where I was in the shower and really horny.. masturbated just to edge a bit, and as soon as the pre-cum came I stopped it.
I stop it instantly when I feel too aroused,, because I project ahead, that I'll feel bad afterwards.. so I stop it all there and then. Also that I want to keep it in, so my ejaculation will be with a girl etc. it's been 3-4 times at max and I never came, So I will take that as continued hard-mode. Pattern of when I get really horny is mostly after I've matched with a special tinder girl and thought about what I'll do with them etc.  I get a ton of matches, but dont really follow up for dates etc,, but some of them, I can get really turned on by, the thought of when/if I'd meet them.. what i'll do etc...   that leads me to getting horny. 

no porn usage or anything like that, so really glad about that!.. Still occasionally get these micro-suggestions,, they come in a fraction of a second.. but I've gotten so good at catching/observing them that I do not follow up on the suggested action. Really happy about that as well! that itself is an amazing thing for changing old patterns. I've found the pattern to be mostly when tired/alone... so when the suggestions come I talk to myself "dude, you tired.. get off the pc, or you know where you'll end up doing.. fuck that"..
or "hey,, remember the past.. of all that shit youve watched.. did it get you any real life pu*ssy,, no.. then quit wasting time on it.. dont go there"....     self talk like that helps me not taking the next suggested step.

Had some aestethic surgery this week (rhinoplasty), so just taking it slow and steady chilling at home. it was something i'd wanted for many years and I am so thankful everything went well .. and that I finally went through with it. I look forward to have a big ass smile on my face without thinking about my nose. Not that I've ever had anyone tell me something, or issues getting women or nothing like that..  its just something I wanted to do. So with that, starts a new chapter =) 

oh yea forgot I was hitting on some hot girl I saw on the street before the surgery.. man, my testostoron is getting higher and higher, and my gym isn't even regular yet.. I can just imagine when I get fit again + hardmode for +3,4m + I dont have this psychological issue with my nose .. then Ill be going beast-mode haha...   will start hitting the gym in two weeks, and get fired back up.

so, I've done the surgery. Now next step is getting a job. combine that in with gym, hit on girls occasionally on the way to work or so (will eventually make a daily schedule) and all will be well. Just getting back on my feet and making my life steady and stable with confidence. Even considering adding in some hobbys at some point too.. but not martial arts this time,, something social and fun..  I've been mtb'ing on trails with my ebike lately with a friend and that is crazy fun... but will think of something where there are women as well. We will see in time.

I was really thinking of taking a trip to moscow in a month or so. Always wanted to go, and have women lined up wanting to meet up.. getting their whatsapp via tinder etc.  I am not sure if that is what I want,, (the women part) but it could be fun just going to see the city and get back home. Will see how everything goes with job etc. Dont feel good about keep postponing job search etc.

anyways, all is well and continuing the ongoing battle. The battle seems less violent, its fading a bit down and staying in the background - but I ain't lowering my shield. Always vigilant!

goal : going for 120 days. That is 4 months :O... I'll be home these next two weeks recovering etc. so that will be an interesting time. But I got this!!

Pmo-free   .      August 05   .      Day 106

Ages 30-39 / Re: The Dead Man Has Arisen
« on: July 17, 2019, 07:02:42 AM »
Hey Pete,
Happy birthday! 32 is an amazing age.. and I see you are using it wisely )

Great to see you've gained so much vitality and how much N has helped you through your journey as well.
The healing is an ongoing process as you mention yourself, and it takes a strong determination and will to fight for the good.

I am happy for you, seeing you've turned things around so drastically. Great work!
am sure you will keep the train going and inspire even more!

- remember to stay vigilant despite not having urges)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: July 11, 2019, 09:12:54 AM »
Hey Lero,
Good job on day 4 - keep it up man! Yea.. the 'not peeking' and stopping one self before it takes over is important. It's not easy, but get better at it with time. Staying vigilant and observant of thoughts is key.. and also talking back to it when suggestions arise has been very helpful in my case. I am sure you will find you'r way as well!

Just here to do a follow-up and keep my journaling in check. Last couple of days have been somewhat 'easy'.. no cravings or anything. Started up gym again and slowly working my way up again.
Been having thoughts of thankfulness a lot recently.. "thankful for not been watching p for so long time"...  it's like my brain is starting to accept my new normal. That this is new normal, a life without P.
Kind of crazy to think about, when been so addicted to it 3months ago.. (and last 30 years) ..  .

and just thinking about that now, makes me sad.. 30 fucking years, destroyed every damn relationship because I compared them to P-stars.. and ruined my relationship to childs mother because I wanted her to be more sexy... trying to change her into a damn fictional p-character in my head..  fuck that shit.. never again. I've learned, and my healing is in progress... and from now on I will treat women better and stop judging and comparing them to paid actors on a tft monitor.

I feel grateful a lot.. I am so thankful i've reached to this point. I really look forward to the 20th, that will be my 90th day.  Setting small goals have been crucial getting here. Looking forward to a 7-day streak, and then a 10-day, 14-day etc.. Just putting small steps ahead and looking forward to the next goal. This is how I have managed getting here + getting a lot of help from all the replies here.

Take care all

Pmo-free   .      July 11   .      Day 81

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: July 08, 2019, 06:05:17 AM »
what helped me in the beginning was coming here and writing daily.. just if to update the counter and nothing else.
maybe it could be a different approach that would help u.  regards

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: July 04, 2019, 05:55:35 PM »
Thanks Pete, yea I am sure it as well!
Yea I really liked that book as well. I’ve always been authentic when I actually go beyond my thought. It’s always the thoughts before taking action that keeps me back.
But when I start it up again, I am sure it will all come back to me,, and the boat will be rocking once again.

haha yea I know what you mean about the january-new-me syndrome,, never lasts .. My approach has always been 1% better a day - to improve myself. I try to use that approach to many parts in life and have patience with the process. It doesnt always go after the plan, but usually it does=).  Fortunately I have had many positive past experiences with women, dating, sex, etc.. so it's just getting things back up slowly again.  Stable gym, health and getting a job is my main objective for now - when these routines are in,, ill be back in shabba-ranks mode once again ).

I have made a tinder account recently, as I said i would do. Just to be a bit active in case something should pop up.. but not spending too much time on it. and I'm really picky so swiping left 95% is not getting me far there.. but its ok for now. might bump things up later.

So,, wanted to touch on some things I feel in my body.. Rapid surges of lust all the sudden, followed up with an autosuggestion. What I mean by autosuggestion is a subconcious voice, that wants you to do that thing… ya know,, lead you into “wonderland”.  That voice that will do and say anything to get that dopamine kick. The voice usually pops in when I am bored (mostly at the pc doing stuff).. and it can be doing anything absolutelly not women related or anything.. could be making some math calculationns etc. and boom ,, body is triggered suddenly - > then > the voice pops in usually like this  :

“hey…….. remember that scene?.. dont you feel abit horny?… what if you just touch yourself just a bit… it is ok!..  it’s just for a tiny bit. .. mayne just go watch xyz,, just for a small second, they you can shut it down! you are strong enough to shut it down. It’s just to get you a bit more horny, just a small arousal,  then you just close it..   just watch some (part on women) for a second.. it's good for you.. you will become even more horny and then you'll attract more women when you are out about. “
.... shit like that, just 1000x the speed and hundreds of these suggestions in a fraction of seconds.

see, the good thing is I am becoming better at observing them. but it’s a effing battle … I spend so much energy saying no,, I am combating that voice, with my other side.. my concious and rational mind.
I can hear myself from a third perspective,, argueing with that voice. I feel like its my concious vs a fucking devil discussing. . and that guy is slick, he knows how to ‘charm’ and say things .. “just a little bit”. …  and when he keeps popping in 10 days a day at random times,.. then it’s hard to resist.

— but.. i never gave in. Today was especially hard as I had to resist many times,, I told the voice “NO” many times …all it had to do was to make my finger-tips type two words, and the cycle would start from there. I didnt do nothing..   even if my body is on the tip to explode.. there were times I wanted to M to nothing, just to get some testostoron out of my system.. but I didnt do anything. I even tried to make it OK by planning it in. like “I will M in 2 hours to nothing, just my thoughts etc’. .. but end up not doing it.   

I know all of this comes from boredom, my brain is bored,, then the dopamine monster kicks in the door and tries to lure me. I can totally understand why now..  Of coarse he wants to see some action, he sits and does nothing all day,, and when he does he is in front of a computer...  hmm... 

anyways, my conclusions is its better to let my juice be in there, so I have it when I see someone I like.  I think that is my why, that I don't want to let my stuff out for “nothing”..
 it’s like that reasoning is strong enough to fight that inner voice.  I will keep doing that.

I know what to do,... I am slowly doing the things needed to get my stuff back. get a daily routine etc. it just takes time.  Fixed my bike with a friend these last days, with the objective to get back on track with gym and decided towards healthier food habit (no sugary or carbs). all is progressing slowly.

not sure if any of this makes sense,, i am super tired right now and going everywhere (as usual).
I just know that today was challenging, but I fought back and I came out alive. I am proud of that.

am grateful for making it this far. I am thankful for the support of people here, really.

 15 days to go and it will be 90 days… i have something to look forward to,, but i’ll always be vigilant no matter the count.

Pmo-free .   July 5 .   Day 75

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 30, 2019, 03:31:51 PM »
hey, thanks man! glad some of my stuff can inspire))..

So, day 70..  I am almost finish with my CV stuff and having someone to have a look at it next week. Ready to send out applications for jobs after that.. will be a very challenging period, as I have been living off savings for the past 5 years or so (had quite saved up, so all good).. getting a job is more that I feel lonely, well also for the money etc... but more to just socialize as I use to.. be around people and not staying home all day. It will be challenging. I will feel social anxiety. I will sweat... but fuck it!.. Better to face fears or whatever they are and just fucking do the damn thing.. tired of this lonely shit,, no wonder I resolved to p. Lets see where it takes me.

If anyone here has experience in reading CV's and applications for IT-Jobs, I would be glad to send it to you for some feedback. Would mean a lot.

I had one day last week where I fell into a suggestion "just watch it a bit more".. again some harmless pics, but I observed the action,, that obsessive search for more..  It is the second time i've done that now and it is really hard getting away when you put yourself in that situation. So my battle is to say NO when the suggestions of peeking pops up all the sudden. I didn't edge (do anything sexual), touch or nothing .. it's just that grip that gets you, and wastes your time.. trying to lure you into more empty dopamine spikes for the brain. I will be more vigilant and stop it.   I do not qualify these two times as failing/reboot .. no, a reboot for me would be full-out PMO after endless watching. Thankfully I've held back from that shit. It was close, but I was strong enough to stop my behaviors.

It is an ongoing battle... I definitely feel insanely horny, and it shows.. well,, on a dating site i've been on some time. I can feel it in the way I write to the women.. I do it with tact, and they really like it.  Getting a date etc would be fucking awesome tbh.. not sure if im there yet, but i cant hide from the world forever..  Let's see where it takes me as well. I am sure I wouldn't be able to hold my hands for myself when I get on a date.. pretty confident going out  - when that day comes hah..   but yeah'.. im saving all that man juice up for the next girl. That thought inspires me NOT to pmo at all,, so I can feel the real thing fully and entirely.

I always have something holding me back though... and usually its thoughts,, such as 'im not good enough' ,, im not muscular enough, im not xzy enough...   man,.. this has killed me throughout my life. Tired of it. It tries to rule me in every situation.. women, jobs, challenging situations.. always comparing, always judging...  I remember when I meditated these thoughts were reduced.

Gotta take meditation up again. and gym..  starting from tomorrow again. I will do my best to stay consistent with it. but it seems I need a stronger why......  I always 'fall off the wagon' some how. suddenly I stop gym ,, and meditation as well. baah..
im all over the place now. wrapping it up.

so.. what are my goals for next up day 80? : 
: Apply for 1 job.
: Meditate once a day
: Go to gym once a day

Will do my best.

Day 70

Ages 30-39 / Re: Did I just relapse?
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:41:15 AM »
hey, my opinion is.. show compassion towards yourself and decide RIGHT NOW that you wont do that shit again.
then no, in my book you haven't broken the streak....... as long as you don't go back seeking it.

I made the mistake when my girlfriend was pregnant.. same story as your's - but I kept watching porn. after two years when my son was born.. we broke up.
This is not a situation you want to be in... trust me, I would do anything to have a family,, living happily with the mother to my child. but no.. I hurt her, I dissapointed her.. I destroyed the trust and everything - that day she caught me with porn and she was pregnant.   

Don't make my mistake, please. I am seeing my son once a month.. you have no idea how much that hurts as a father.

Good job being pmo free for 2 years. Proceed with that!!

All the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: A Voice from the Dark....
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:35:05 AM »
Hey CL,
A lot of us are listening, you are definitely not alone. We are all in this.. The more you write, the more support you'll get (this is my experience).
I can relate to a lot of the things you write, I've been on sertralin (im eu based as well) when I was younger as well.. hated it but was necessary in that period of my life.

Taking the steps towards a P-free life is a good choice. Even if I am new to this as well (70 days) I feel it is worth it, despite it is hard.
I am sure you are able to do that as well, and take control of this fake stuff.. and shifting towards a more kind and social approach to women. That is my goal at least. It is possible, more than possible. We all need a bit of guidance and support in order to fight the battle.

Hope this message can inspire you and start the journey as well.

btw you are 35, you'r best age man.. imo, everything over 20 is a-ok as long as the women are mature. We tend to overthink these things.. the fact is .. nobody knows, before you try it out. you have zero knowledge if the girl you are looking at likes you back or not. meaning ,, just say hi.   I am sure you know of daygame community, I had great experience with it in the past, and i'll take it up again when sorting some stuff out.  Trust me, I've approached women in their  18's and was completely baffled that they super interested in me  (when i was 35/36) age plays no part there trust me.

All the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 30, 2019, 07:21:25 AM »
vaca fully deserved man!.. watching you'r progress and seeing great improvement.
great job becoming better at being the observer,.. catching thoughts like ""just look at it... maybe just pictures.... what's the big deal?" " etc....

it's what we do after, which is important. Not letting these suggestions have their way but us taking control.
I have full confidence in you being able to catch the suggestions and divert them...  with one day, one thought a time.

Enjoy vacation)

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 24, 2019, 07:55:45 AM »
Day 64 hardmode - no P, no O, no M.
I am getting more confident that this time, I can manage this addiction for good!.
meaning, no more wasting time on fake stuff.

Held my sons 12th birthday with family this weekend. It was a great time, and proud of seeing my son so happy and thriving. I love him unconditionally and would do anything for him.. actually everythingn I do is for him. I promise myself that P shit needs to go,, I want to lead by example and teach him from my experience. He is getting that age where girls are becoming an interest.. so at some point, I'll slowly educate him around this subject - when time is due. I will learn him the importance of love, being with people, showing affection and all that is related.. all from getting heartbroken, crying, feeling up, down, sex, and falling in love and the crazy stuff people do for love. I was never taught these things, affection and love was never talked about.. so I held in my feelings and felt it with P and online dating (sex).. but never what love was. 

I don't blame my parents, I don't blame anyone. All I can do is pass on my experience so my (and parents) lack of love wont continue. To this day I still long for love, connection and affection.. but I am doing little to get it because I am so tangled in being 'successful',, as if having a lot of money or fame is the solution to finding love. Won't get too much into that part as I am doing my best to overcome this.

I hope that this journey eventually will open up for more ; connection, people, love around me.
am I there yet?,, absolutely not - but I have hope, and that is enough. for now, I feel worthy of receiving love, I feel worthy of giving love.

This is what this journey is about for me. Discipline ( self respect and self love), kindness and compassion towards people.
I believe eventually the body and mind will open up more towards being affectionate when eliminating the empty and endless soul-destructing hole of P.

One day a time baby.. one day a time. We got this! =))  and reminding myself that = There is no finish-line..  no "when I hit day 365, then I'm FREE" ..
No, this is a life-long journey of learning how to love one self and trusting one self throughout the hardship of this addiction.. 

One thing that comes to mind is the battle of loneliness.. I don't want to 'end up lonely',, but this is where I am in my life for now. This is where I have been when ever gone to P.

How can I get the opposite then?.. I felt loved when I had my ex..  when I felt loved. So is women a solution to my problem?.. not sure,, there must be some inner workings that needs to be solved first I think. Question is, how can I not feel lonely?  being part of a hierarchy? a team?.. Feel like the questions I am asking myself when looking for jobs fx, are mostly around connection with like-minded people.. doing cool shit together and feel accomplished. This is not where I am today... and for that, I feel kinda sad and lonely... doing my best to get out of this situation.

I trust in myself and will gradually get myself out of this hole. .. and it helps that I now feel proud, accomplished with being disciplined enough to stick out almost 70 days of pmo-free..  It gives me that 1% extra motivation.. and this is what I need for now.

OHH.. and just remembered,, there was no social anxiety going to the birthday party!.. like, NONE!.. what?!.. normally I tend to sweat on my forehead and get super anxious about "them seeing me sweat" if I get into conversations with people being aroundn me.. then I try to avoid / eject the convo/situation - but none of that.. I was great at making conversations and holding it .. and if any subject I didn't feel like talking about, I manoeuvred around it without getting nervous. That is actually very good, as there were a lot of people around me listening in on the conversations I had. Huge improvement there!!..

Pmo-free .   April 24 .   Day 64

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 20, 2019, 11:19:21 AM »
Alright, I hit day 60...  meh,, not feeling anything. Guess I'm just having an off-day, low energy, no motivation, no desire for anything etc....  still working on my CV.. but not even sure if I want a job or not,, well..  so confused about anything.. but my conclusion is I have nothing to lose - just go to job-interviews and I'll get a better feeling from there. I am not obliged to take the job, there are no one pressuring me - I am to decide. And that takes some pressure and uncertainty of my shoulders. 

For the pmo journey, I can definetly feel a lot of hornyness.. it's usually like this at summertime. I'd really like to spend some time with a female.
I think trying tinder again would be ok I guess..  and some dating sites. dunno.. ... dont know what I want, this is my overall issue. I guess adhd does that, sigh.

have been peeking some YT videos,.. just to get horny ,then just to shut it down...  I think I want to "reward" myself some way,, like my mind is saying "hey it is good to be horny.. just watch some, then shut it down"... happened a couple of times - and this is exactly what I want to eradicate from my life.. the fake, the isolated, the lonely, the disappointing, the tricks ... all which are not real. just an artificial stimulation, that works me up and I shut it down, just to realise I spent my time on nothing. That which I was idolising was not there beside me. No one beside me to love me.. No one to adore me. ... I miss that. Been so focused on "fixing" my life, and focused on everything thas was wrong in my life, so I made got more of the negatives. Time to do some changes, I owe that to myself, to my son and family.. they want to see me happy as well.. not coocked up in a room all alone trying to 'make it' whilst being all isolated.

What am I doing to overcome these issues?.. well.. a job is a start to get social. that would get me into some routine again. I'll see what I can do about that..

for pmo.. not feeling anything.. just careless... I guess that is a part of it, being apathetic and not feeling it's going anywhere at times. I acknowledge that is part of the game.. trucking on...   I want to stop peeking completely, I think the couple of times I did it was not healthy,, it was not P,, but still.. it's the same act of searching, looking for something.. that dopamine-grip that takes over until you realise and wake up. 

I cannot put blame on any technologys like 'it's because youtube, or instagram etc'.. no, it is me. It is that sudden impulse in my body that just says "have a look at some *part of a womans body*" and makes my fingers type that shit in youtube or smth... its that automatic impulse that takes over. It is THAT which I need to observe, acknowledge and explain it with kind words "no my friend.. this is fake. let's not go there.. it has never, ever, given you what you wanted".

So, for the next 10 days I will try this tactic and see if I get better at managing my impulsive behaviour and control myself. 
besides that everything with pmo-free is going really good. something weird happened the other day,, I was taking a piss and out came some of my man-juice as I was pissing - ehh,, that was weird.. I pressed it out down the toilet.. My body must have been in excess haha.. normally I use to O and since I havent done that in 60 days, my body reacted like that.   

Still going hardmode and not touching etc. decided I will save it up for the next girl I am with. I am probably going to explode in my pants as I undress her.. its ok, I wont even explain or get embarrased.. I know there is so much in excess that I would be able to hit it off multiple times when I get a girl in my hands..  Need to stop talking about it though,, wont happen anything sitting here. So yea',, will take up some tinder and dating stuff again. They dont get me aroused in that aspect of wanting to peek/edge etc.. these sites really do bore me.. and my main focus is to get her out.. So I find can reason to install such apps.

So the next 10 days goal :

- Get my damn CV done completely   (next is to send to jobs)
- Snap some photos and get my tinder and some dating apps up again

Attending my sons birthday this weekend, so will probably be busy with that tough. anyways, have a great summer everyone.
Next stop day  70

Pmo-free .   April 20 .   Day 60

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 16, 2019, 02:39:06 PM »
All well, put on some gangster rap and cleaned up entire place and fixing up CV. Productive day

Pmo-free .   April 16 .   Day 56
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 16 .   Day 13
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 16 .   Day 13
30x Morning pushups .   April 16 .   Day 13

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 15, 2019, 05:36:20 AM »
Got through yesterday and fought the urges. My mind was trying to trick me..  seeking dopamine spikes so I could 'release'.
Have some hard time staying consistent with the gym and other things.. so I am going to cook counter down to to basics again and start from there. Will take up gym up again when I have my other things sorted out. For now, just coasting along more vigilant towards urges and peeking. When I feel it happen, I will replace it with meditation instead.

Pmo-free .   April 15 .   Day 55
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 15 .   Day 12
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 15 .   Day 12
30x Morning pushups .   April 15 .   Day 12

I am getting close to day 60!.. makes me proud I've comes this far.. and I withstood the strongest test up to now (day 54) I learned a lot from that day.
Going strong - onwards and upwards

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 14, 2019, 07:28:00 AM »
Man.. filled with shame now and riddled with questions. I know I did not relapse, but just the thought that something took over me, 'I got tricked' feeling.. annoys me, I just have so many questions.. why?..

Why could I see myself pressing, the very thing I was not suppose to do.. to stimulate myself 'a bit'..
Why did I click onto the next video, and the next?.. to stimulate myself with this 'just a tiny bit more'

I think the term is 'edging'.. clicking a bit, then a bit more,, until it eventually would escalate into a full blown release.
thankfully I didn't go there but I still feel the shame of going astray (or what it's called - english isnt my primary language)

Why was I aware of my actions the whole time,, but didn't stop it earlier?.. in total wasted 15min of clicking on 'innocent' stuff.. and when I ended up on that P vid and viewed a full 1min vid,, then it hit me..  "get yourself together fool!". 

For now, I mostly, just have questions..  what led to this?..
- procrastination (i was suppose to do something completly else today,, but ended up surfing).
- alone-time (not having a structured life, job, I manage my own time.. and no social life).

These are the main reasons... me not staying busy with anything. I had actually decided to update my CV so I could apply for jobs next week .. somehow I procrastinated that I led myself into the arms of the devil. Kinda feel sad about that.
But not gonna stay and have a pity party for myself. Gonna get up, take a shower and get out the door..

will bring my laptop and go to a coffe place and write that damn CV ffs!! I expect of myself to post an update tonight with my CV being done. I cant go on not having a social life, being totally isolated and not going out etc.. this is no way to live.
Maybe it was a sign.. a sign so I could do exactly that - take action and get my ass up instead of procrastinating.
.. Get busy with life!     

btw - thing is I just remembered,, when I had a job. I would still fall into this (mostly when I was bored).. I would go to the toilet to get a release and go back "working"... so the issue with P is not having a job..  It can be boredom, stress, loneliness..

but I will still apply for jobs, to get the social aspect in my life. I need that for my life as things are now. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 14, 2019, 07:04:34 AM »
almost slipped today..  watching yt, led to some old behaivors watching abit of twerking,, and led into me watching an xrated vid for 1min.. holy shit, wth am I doing?!!... Instantly I knew that was a wrong path, and I shut it down before doing any harm.

quickly hurried up here to do some writing. Nothing done, no touching, no M or O - so this is not a slip, but a lesson, a warning..  I caught my behaviour in time before starting to touch or do anything to stop my progress. I learned from this lesson, be vigilant, do not even peek for a splitsecond, it will lure you down the rabbbit hole even if you don't want it. The power of the addiction is stronger than the rationalisation of 'I know I should not do this' .. all of that rationlising shuts down when our evolutionary body is seeking to reproduce. I am so thankful I was able to come to my senses.. I've never been this close to slip-up in my entire journey to this day. What a punch to the head this lesson was..

Today will be a tough day, as I can feel the crave for stimuli. Man fuck this Im not going down like this!!!

Not going to let this rule my life and relapse again and again over the years.. im done with this. Thank you for the warning, thank you for showing me I need to NOT PEEK, NOT SEEK anything at all!.. Thank you for showing me that it is easy to let guards down for just 1min.. thank you for giving me power to stop myself, realising the truth, that what I was watching was FAKE and would only harm me by continuing the process. Thank you for showing me I deserve more than this fake stimuli.. that I deserve true love and affection and to be loved for me - not a screen that does nothing for me.

What I did was an impulsive act which I initially had little control of.. I was observant of my acts but hard to resist it as my brain felt 'stimulated' - but I regained my senses and my self-control and came back to the truth. I feel like I need help from some higher powers at this point, so I will only use my laptop to seek information about god (I have been an atheist all my life, so this is a some shift to do this.. but feel like I need help from a higher source atm).

Thank you all for being beside me as we go through this addiction. I will add to my counter and mark this day with bold, to remind me of the marked day,, The day that almost took over but I did not let it.   For now, I need to take some time off and forgive myself for this behaviour, I need to ask for forgiveness and strength to continue my fight. I will ask for love to enter my life from real people.

I put my trust in the process and will truck along. I didn't come this long to give up. I deserve better. All the best -

Pmo-free .   April 14 .   Day 54
Get up at 09am .   April 14 .   Day 3
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 14 .   Day 11
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 14 .   Day 11
30x Morning pushups .   April 14 .   Day 11
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day 1

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 13, 2019, 07:32:36 AM »
... continued post (2h later)
Taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this
took my pills, prepped my gymbag and bicycle, got gym clothes on.. then.. I got disorientated,, procrastinated.. My mind did everything else than just getting my shoes on and getting out the door.. so I ended up wasting time on the internet. My friend called me and I told him I was my way to gym.. but I never went. I feel bad ,, no I feel dissapointed.. why cant I follow up and just do it?..  actually I do feel bad . and down.. I am really trying to tell myself "relax, it's your ADD,, relax you didnt sleep well" etc.. but fact is im just sitting at home now and not doing shit..  Will go meditate now and wait for my friend to pick me up... will help him change out tires on his car.. and i'll bring my laptop with him and ask him for help - getting help to sit beside me and do things i've been procrastinating.. seems like I dont have the willpower to do it by myself. I need help.

I finished the porn myth audio book. really got some great knowledge that will help my journey being pmo free. I am proud that i've come this far and I believe I can hit the 90-day pmo free for sure. But what I am dealing with now I think is my ADD (lack of motivation in everything) and therefore I bought 'Driven to distraction', a book about ADHD and how to get the best out of it.

I will try to get sleep early today and start fresh tomorrow. I feel sad right now for todays turnout, yet trying to stay compassionate and forgive myself. 

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 13, 2019, 05:36:35 AM »
Day 53!.. trucking along. Yesterday I woke up early and hit the gym and did some work after.

had a crazy wet dream last night..  dreamt I was watching a P movie and I could feel my body really wanting to get have an orgasm,, then in my dream things shifted and I was all the sudden being an observer of myself watching the P-movie … and I was shouting to him/me “NO dont do it.. shut it down.. dont watch it.. its fake..” it went on like this and I woke up from the dream. I felt some sort of shame, because I thought I had PMO’ed since I still had some sexual feelings + wood .. then I relialised, it was all a dream =).. piuh.. 

Had a bad sleep after that, was up to like 5-6am and due to rain and thunder and didn't get to wake up at 09. So its 12:30 here, feel unmotivated but I guess that is natural due to a lack of sleep. Despite that,  I am gonna follow the plan.  taking my pills now, pushups then heading out to gym. I got this

Pmo-free .   April 13 .   Day 53
Get up at 09am .   April 13 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 13 .   Day 10
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 13 .   Day 10
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 10
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 13 .   Day --
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 13 .   Day -
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 13 .   Day -

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 12, 2019, 03:50:30 AM »
Good morning day 52!..
check check check check chek and I am now out the door towards the gym.

Good day everyone!

Pmo-free .   April 12 .   Day 52
Get up at 09am .   April 12 .   Day 1
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 12 .   Day 9
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 12 .   Day 9
30x Morning pushups .   April 12 .   Day 9
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 12 .   Day 1
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 12 .   Day 1
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 12 .   Day 1

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 11, 2019, 04:15:54 PM »
Day 51.    edit : somehow I think this post will be one of my most important ones.
Thank you Pete and Jixu for the support! I am here because of good souls like you, people that cares.

Alright.. not really into any rah rah inspiration/motivational speakers.. but david goggins is excepted, he is the real deal.
And this is some real-deal Rocky shit so I had to share it :)  : 
Breaking down his words below to do some analysis on what he is trying to communicate.

A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.
You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourselfe.

You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life.
You need to live the grip of life to find inspiration

put challenges in front of yourself!

when you put challenges in front of yourselfe, and attack it.. that’s when you find inspiration.
Try to be 10% better than you were last week.
so if you run 30 miles a week.. run 33.
if you are swimming 500 meteres, swim 550.

and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch.

The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.

Find yourselfe in the grip of life.

You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.

Alright.. I had to share as it made me think about my situation. Staying at home, trying to think myself out of my situation. Not doing any planning, not taking any desicions, just roaming around here and there… tired of it. Not trying anything, just fearful about my future and if I am able to make my entreprenural journey.. constant thoughts of If I am good enought for it or not etc.
line 1 : “A lot of you are trying to find inspiration and motivation with a depressed mindset.” .. yup. a depressed mindnset aint getting me no where. I need to do some changes here. Going on.

line 2: “You are depressed because, you are not doing shit with yourself”.  It is true in some aspect, I definetly could do more.. I could take my business more seriously, I could take up gym, I could quit sugar,  I could take up buying a car in able to take my son out more.. I could find some part time job..  ( I still have an issue at trying to find a steady job even if I know I would rock it.. but the thought of robbing my time holds me back).. I could go out more, smile more, I could approach people daily and interact more,  I could hit on women more=),..   My depressed mindset have held me back from all of these things which made me happy. I believe that if I start doing more of these things, my monetary situation would become better.. why? because I wouldnt be so fearful or depressed.. I would have more courage, diciplined and hence make money with my business. All I mentioned are challenges to me. getting outside and doing stuff, and mostly talking to people as Ive conditioned myself to think i am a shy guy.. which has never been true every damn time I’ve approached women (when I was in my PUA mode a couple of years ago).  So > do more.. definetly some outlined stuff to improve upon.  Would be really cool to ever so slowly add to my counter here,, like “give a compliment today”… that would actually be really cool!..  that is such a low-barriere thing, and would eventually probably make me want to know more about her. anyways, back to topic : DO SOMETHING.  .. alright, peeking at the three things I wrote first,, that must mean something I really want to do ; 1.  I could take my business more seriously 2: I could take up gym. I could quit sugar.   These are some sort of repetative stuff which I can do on a daily basis. Becoming diciplined and following a daily process for my job.   and going to the gym.   Will add these to my action plan later.

line 3/4; “You dont find inspiration by living by not living in the grip of life. “ … Yep, feel really demotivated when just staying home. Roger that=). I’ve been doing that for too long time and it’s about damn time I make a change!! I might be in a slump, I might have financial worries, I might not have my own place - but FFS… slumps are not permanent,, just hard to see beyond. I am not dead, i dont wish to be.. I know my character and that I can overcome anything. I might have been let down by people but they do not dicate my life ahead of me. Time to grab the balls of the bull and make a ride of this life.  ehh, that came of weird.. but you know what I mean haha.

line 5:  “put challenges in front of yourself!”. Alright, I already identified some challenges that would move me in a better direction.. just 1% better daily.   
> STRUCTURE - not just for my business, but for my overall life.. when I’d wake up, when I’d go out the door, when I’d study business, when i do business, when I do workout, when it is ok to eat sugar, and when would be time to give a compliment.   A structure that outlines these things would give me some sort of accountability for myself.. and I think I would do it, and hopefully it would become a habit.
Imagine if I gave a complimennt to women on a daily basis.. I would become confident in myself and … holy shit,, I would actually become the guy I want to be.  ouf, that sentance hit my heart..  Becomind the guy I want to be. Why did it so?…  what is holding me back?..   fear?..  fear of what?…    digressing here - but hitting some important topics and really glad I am sharing it here as I write. So ,, challenges put into some sort of routine, which I can track on a daily basis (just as what im doing with that experimental counter).   Good, doing some introspective digging here and I like where it’s going.   moving on…

line  10/11 :  “and some of you ain’t doin shit.. that 10% is just getting up of the fucking couch. “
                     “The more you walk away from accountability.. the weaker you become.”
Hmm… so what I get from this is,, just do the minimum amount possible!.. if that means showing up to the gym and untying your shoes and putting them back on.. then do that and take it as a victory (I showed up).   If that means doing 45min of effective business work and stoppingn for the day, then that is successs. If that means going outside to ask a girl for the fucking time, then do that and take it as a victory.
I think what he is trying to say is ; do a little bit of what challenges you,,, just that little bit - but on a daily basis… and by time and repetition you would be comfortable doing that thing that it would natturally progress to take it to a higher level.. like fuck, after asking women for the time 30 times eventually you would stop giving a fuck about the time and tell her you like her smile,, right =). I know I would.
Now that other line is interessesting… I’ve mainly been home trying to make my business work and have totally neglected myself, joy, my family, my damn soul…  cant even remember when I’ve smiled with true happyness last time… come to think of it. I do… when I fell in love 3 years ago with my x. Which turned out to be a toxic relationship - but none the less. I was happy.. I was wanted,, we were both in love.. I felt loved. That made me happy.  I believe there is another out there for me which can give me that again. I miss that. oh, back to topic… have I become weak?…    I can already feel the answer inside of me wanting to get out.. YES!.. mentally weak. Not believing in myself. doubting. scared. as i am writing this I feel my innner child is talking to me, ok this might sound weird but I am typing what I am thinking and feeling in the moment.  Feel like he is confused and dont know what to do, where to go..   he lacks structure.. he needs to know what to do.. and know that, whatever he will do is OK. He wants to have fun again and know that everything is going to be ok. I am going to make him a promise…  …. me and you, we are going to have fun again. I promise you that. Trust me.
.. ok im back. sorry for the sudden shifts, told you.. ADHD kinda does that to you at times. but yea.. lack of accountability/structure can lead into slots and into weakness. that what’s happened to me. Time to turn the damn boat around and put some GPS on it with laser-sharp direction.

line 12/13: : “Find yourselfe in the grip of life.  You cant find yourselfe by doing nothing.”
ok. grip of life .. what is that for me? .. challenge myself. fail. have fun. mess it up. smile at it. laught it off. just do the damn thing. show up. do 1% every day. be kind. be compassionat to other people. laugh. have fun. express yourself. show yourself. give love. take action. be decisive. be clear. make plans. stick to the plans. control my mind.
… ok what does all of that exactly mean in actionalble steps.. because for now all of that sounds all good, but its useless if not put into action. I know, I’ve had these great plans and thoughts MANY times and ended up fading out after a week or two.. I was never consistent with it. …. but I am seeing things are slowly changing after my presence here. I have the support. I feel obligated to update my counter (hold myself accountable part).. I believe it’s possible. I am starting to have faith.   SOO.. Time to make a damn plan !!.. BUT cant put too much on the plate,, I am very cautios with that.. Too much and I’ll get overwhelmed and ditch everything and that will make me feel like a failure .. and who knows, that could lead into PMO.. hell no, not taking that route! one step a time baby one step a time!..

so.. plan for now. lets see,  3 main things were:
1.  a structure for my business. Which is basically a daily planner such as get up at 08, etc.   out the door at clock 09 , be at gym at 10 etc. ..
2. go to the gym.
3. no sugar.

So,, I tried these things before and sometimes I can do a streak and just do it on a daily basis without thinking - and some times,, things in my life just happened which made me ditch it all and become all slot and lazy…  the inconsistency is what I am fighting against the most. This is one of my root causes and mostly stems from my innatentive ADD.  well, remember the very first thing I added my counter : TAKE MY ADD PILLS !! Yahh.. and i’ve actually been taking them every morning - sticking to the plan. So it seems some consistency is starting there. It havent gotten me out the door though, but I didnt plan that in. But I am doing that now.  What can I commit to?.. Can I commit to go to the gym on a daily basis?.. hmm.. it’s a mouthful right now.. but I know I really want this, and I know it could benefit me immensly (I was SO damn confident when I was buff).. I think it’s the right thing to add. Add gym as a daily pracsis. .. alright, so.. I need to put it in as a super-low barrier.. nothing like workout for 2hours daily.. no, … way way lower. thinking thinking.. how could I trick myself to commit to the absolute lowest act, that would get my ass out the door without hesitating. hmm…….  Tie my shoes and untie them at the locker room??.. really.. are we going there??.. fuck.. haha..  I mean, just the thought of that,,, I’d be ok with that.   “OK I know I have to get my ass to the gym just to untie and tie my shoes, and it’s a success” .. yea.. that could actually do it for me. I know i’d end up working out anyways hehe but the mind-trick is on another level :D ..    So, typing that in as an update to my counter right now!..

no sugar.. hmm.. I think this part will come naturally when I begin working out. I’ve always been very healthy and fit.. especially when I do gym on a routine basis. I am actually starting to look forward to going to the gym as i am writing this.. why, not sure..  maybe that low-commitment funny crazy idea I just came up with.. tie/untie my shoes haha wth, if this shit works I am going to write a book about it haha.

then the first part.. the structure thing, which again, has been super inconsistent for me. working late.. staying up to 3am mindlesly watchingn random YT videos until my eyes cant no more. I think it has been an escape for me. Kind of like what PMO was in the past.. an escape of sorrow, lonelyness, lack of connection.. just wanting to drown my mind away and falling asleep. Its time to make a change here..  I need more structure in my life. I remember when I had a daily job, there was structure. well, i wasnt ‘happy happy’ but, at least I werent doing the shit i am doing to myself today.. hiding, depressive, not going out, all tied up in front of my pc all day…  I was active and outgoing when I had the security of a steady paycheck, the structure of knowing what to do for the day. I need that back!..  No one is going to make it for me but me. so..  lets see. main things are get enough sleep and get up in the morning, so I have enough energy to take my pills and get my ass out the door towards the gym. That alone would be a great accomplishment.. by time and repetitions i’d have muscles and fit look again, get some confidence, stay diciplined, get some mass on, get a better mindset, be more optimistic, be more approachable, smile more, approach women more and become a super stud .. ok ok, taking it too far now, easy now heh. But yea’,, ..  Get up at clock X and sleep at clock X, would be a good start. So,,, adding to the action plan, my counter. 

I think i am going to keep it at that for now. it’s a good experiment!.. I really hope I can find consistency in these things as I am experiencing with PMO-free right now….. and imagine if I could.. if so..
I would become the guy I want to be.

Pmo-free .   April 11 .   Day 51
Get up at 09am .   April 11 .   Day 0
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 11 .   Day 8
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 11 .   Day 8
30x Morning pushups .   April 11 .   Day 8
Tie and Untie shoes at gym .   April 11 .   Day 0
Make 1 bizanalysis + plan .   April 11 .   Day 0
Goto bed at 11pm .   April 11 .   Day 0

(for new visitors seeing my counter : I know this might seem confusing , but it’s an accountablity counter which seems to have a positive effect for me staying consistent. so just testing things out until 1st of july).

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 11, 2019, 04:05:15 PM »
great posts today! you inspire me. thank you for sharing that!
we're definitely going to take that bull head on again.. but we got this. this time we are suited up with the very best tactics, experience and support.

all the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: First relapse
« on: June 11, 2019, 03:28:28 AM »
So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!

Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: June 10, 2019, 04:51:54 PM »
Hey OrangeSpider.
Just checking to see that you are doing well. I'm sure you are just busy with work etc.
Anyhow,.. we are all here to support if needed.

all the best

Ages 30-39 / Re: Starting my 30s Porn Free, one day at a time
« on: June 10, 2019, 04:45:10 PM »
NOT TODAY! If I didn't have this forum and the plan I've been implementing to deal with these cravings, there's no way I would have made it through that moment. Instead of using, I went for a walk, and within a few minutes, that feeling that seemed to demand all of my attention at the time simply went away.

Nice work! as you already know, there will be a lot of these "character building" experiences.
...and what you did, was a demonstration of true inner strength! a true will to change. keep it up

I agree, it is about so much more to this.. compassion and a loving connection toward one self and others, are definitely on top of the scale.
Wish you strength ahead - 10 days is outstanding! you are on to a great start

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 09, 2019, 11:00:30 PM »
Good morning day 50!
I did it. reached my goal!.. yesterday did scare me though.. the instant pull that came in a fraction of a second was immensely strong. Normally I would succumb to feelings like that.
So glad I caught the feeling right away and found ways of not taking the easy route,, just to fulfil temporary emotions for a short-term feeling. I quickly realised I was in a stressed state and thankfully I knew that anything that would lead to PMO or any kind of artificial stimulation, would not solve my issues.

I am thankful to stay on the path and be here for the long run. To be honest, it was really scary and getting teary eyes right now how fucking fast it can come,, how tricky it is and how much power it has to lure one in, in a splitsecond. thankful I didn't fall for it.. so thankful! This I believe was the first time I really felt strong and fought against it… because that instant urge was stronger than previous times I felt it. Now I know to NOT binge eat sugar and icecream in one day when stressed,, as it can get me in that state again.

Alright, now on the the positives!.  effing day 50!!  I told you boiii… I was coming for you!! and I got you!!..
50 days, wow.. and in 10 days that’l be 2 months!!!..  Hence : new goal   > >.   the 60 mark!! 

I like to break it up in small reachable goals like that. Still feel the need to journal daily as the powers are still hidden in there, ready to attack.. so I need to be here to stay vigilant in order to come out strong on the other side. I have 1 week to go on the experimental counter thing for vitamins etc. So far I like writing it here as it keeps me accountable. like, I would absolutely HATE updating my counter here without actually have done it. That would make me a liar, a fake and cheat only myself. I would never do that.. I have self integrity to stay true to myself so keeping the counter alive for now. so far im doing good with 1 week in.

Oh yea and I finished YBOP and started The Porn Myth which Pete McVries suggested. Good read so far!

Pmo-free .   April 10 .   Day 50
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 10 .   Day 7
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 10 .   Day 7
30x Morning pushups .   April 10 .   Day 7

Ages 30-39 / Re: Journal of Zazen - go through the pain
« on: June 09, 2019, 01:59:49 PM »
whoaa just hurried in here to write so I wont do anything I'd regret...

My son and I had a great day yesterday and the rest of it today. Then he was picked up,, and I was again alone..  left finding ways of 'making money / what to do' endless search..
get a job? try out this? go travel? start this business idea? what about doing this, or this? .. etc etc etc.. searching like this all day.

on top of that.. I've eaten too much sugar all day and it is putting my body in an elevated state of emotions,, or something like that.. blood sugar probably bouncing everwhere by now.

then.. all the sudden,, it came in a split second out of nowhere > "just do it.. release it.. you will feel good and relaxed after".. that voice.. telling me to find smth to M to..
holy shit!!.. that's when I hurried up clicking the Reboot Nation bookmark... I just wanted to get in here asap and just write ANYTHING!!

..It's probably a combo-mix of stress, anxiety for the future and the high amount of sugar-intake that is doing all of this. I am really thankful I am this observant when these sudden urges / spikes of malware thoughts enter my brain..  I had that instant flashback memory of me in a PMO act as it was happening....body were trying to make me go there again - hell no,,,, it scared me how powerful the pull was,, so I instantly pressed the shortcut to get here instead.. damn ..

ok, writing seemed to reset everything... focusing that I am reaching my 50th day goal for tomorrow. I can do it!.. no urge or stress is going to set me back!
I am aware i'm in a high-state of stress and anxiety.

Will calm myself down with some meditation and go to bed early, so I can get up and celebrate my 50th + be productive early on.  Take care all!

Pmo-free .   April 9 .   Day 49
1 X Morning ADD pill .   April 9 .   Day 6
3 X Vitamin pills .   April 9 .   Day 6
30x Morning pushups .   April 9 .   Day 6

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