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Messages - Yax

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Ages 20-29 / Re: A New Chapter of My Life (25yo, PMO-free, 90 days)
« on: September 04, 2017, 08:49:55 AM »
Relapsed yesterday night, and again today. Feeling really really shitty. Three fucking days... I couldn't last three days!

Will probably get back on my feet and analyze what happened, what were the triggers, how did I end up giving in... But for now I just feel completely floored. Maybe it's good I'm feeling this bad about it, had gotten into a period of non-reflective relapses before my reboot where it felt like I stopped caring whether I caved in. But this is the complete opposite. I literally feel knocked down, but I know I have to get up again...

Ages 20-29 / Re: A New Chapter of My Life (25yo, PMO-free, 90 days)
« on: August 31, 2017, 03:35:50 AM »
Day 1 (cont):

Forgot to mention that my sleep cycle is completely screwed. Not been able to sleep all night, and was still not feeling tired in the morning. Forced myself to sleep for a few hours anyway... Is this normal?

Ages 20-29 / Re: I am Starting Again [My 3rd Attempt]
« on: August 31, 2017, 03:31:04 AM »
The fact that you're aware of the problem and been wanting to change for 3 years is already great progress. Keep at it and good luck! Looking forward to hearing about how it's going for you.

Ages 20-29 / Re: It's the final countdown
« on: August 31, 2017, 03:28:01 AM »
Keep at it vince, you're doing great! I can relate to a lot of the things you're writing about and see you as an inspiration for my own journey which I just started. So keep going strong (No pressure!) Oh, and your English is better than most native speakers' so I wouldn't give it any thought.

Ages 20-29 / Re: A New Chapter of My Life (25yo, PMO-free, 90 days)
« on: August 31, 2017, 03:23:24 AM »
Thank you for the great tips and the motivation, man! Helps to know I'm not alone. Especially the tip about not spending too much time here, as that means I'm still obsessing over porn... Will definitely remember that!

And thanks for the links too. Been listening to the videos. Turning off images on Chrome was a really neat trick too. Makes using my laptop so much easier, and removes all unwanted triggers.

Day 1:

So far so good. I knew the first day was gonna be tough, after a string of daily relapses, so I decided to fast today and it is helping immensely. Still kind of in limbo until the move next week. Other than packing, not much to do. Currently reading a great book, which was been my go to distraction/replacement activity. But I really feel I need to get out more. Been mostly indoors for almost a whole week now (except a great walk in the woods the day before yesterday which inspired me to start this journal).

Realised that I need to start structuring my week in advance to preempt boredom, and preferably avoid being alone for a whole day. Spending the day with family tomorrow and made plans to play squash with a friend on Saturday. Just need to make it through the rest of today - focusing on packing and getting a few chores done, and I think I'll take a walk for some fresh air even though it's raining.

Ages 20-29 / Re: **Accountability Partner Requests**
« on: August 30, 2017, 11:31:21 AM »
Looking for an accountability partner. Moving on after a divorce and looking to kick the habit for good and get back on track. Will comment your journal if you comment mine:

Ages 20-29 / A New Chapter of My Life (25yo, PMO-free, 90 days)
« on: August 30, 2017, 11:27:55 AM »
Eternally grateful for finding this site and listening to Gabe's talks and interviews on YouTube. Got quite emotional today, to the point of tears. I'm ready for change.

Where I am now: After over 10 years of addiction, I realise this isn't a journey I can make alone, and that I need to start documenting my progress. Now is the time to start really changing. I married young and after 2 years I am now in the middle of a divorce (where my addiction was one, though not the only, factor). I am also moving in a week's time to start studying again (after working for the past 4 years) in a completely new town. Looking forward to this new chapter in my life and think it gives me the perfect opportunity to make a fresh start and start my reboot for real.

My addiction: I am hooked on porn, and for the last few days have been PMOing about once a day. I have had longer and shorter periods of being sober, of up to 4-5 weeks at most, but never more. It came to a point where I started lying to myself and my wife about my addiction and telling myself I was recovering when I knew I wasn't. Have tried therapy and 12 Step group sessions which did help but I was never consistent and honest with myself about my recovery and my relapses. My P addiction also led to problems in the bedroom, both PE and ED. It started when I was around 12, maybe younger, with images of video game girls moving on to cartoon and anime porn, and then real life. Since then, it has developed into being focused mainly on bi and gay porn, which does not reflect my IRL sexuality. I have never moved on to violence/fetishes/etc, only vanilla stuff (something which I am proud of). However, the addiction is sucking away at the joy in my life – I feel depressed, lethargic and demotivated whenever I'm not actively using. It has effected every aspect of my life - emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological. But I'm looking forward to getting clean again, and hope that writing things down will help.

The triggers: Being alone and bored. Being upset or frustrated. Watching TV shows like Game of Thrones. I usually relapse through my laptop or my phone in bed or in the bathroom. O is followed by immense guilt and depression which draws me into a cycle of further relapses.

The goal: I want to be able to regain control of my life, be more present in the moment, and to be able to experience intimacy without sexual dysfunctions. The plan is to go three months (90 days) without PMO – do you guys think this is a reasonable first goal? Looking forward to those one month and two month milestones. I figure that moving, being single again and starting studies in a new town will mean that I will naturally have a lot of things to keep me occupied and to give me less time to focus on PMO.

Alright, that's it for now. Will try to post every day or every other day, or as and when I need to. Any tips and encouragement along the way are highly appreciated. Here goes!

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