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Topics - DonReboot

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Teens / On my way to build my life!
« on: June 26, 2016, 01:19:08 PM »
Hello to all,

first a few basic information about myself, my motivation and any other things i consider important:

Basics, what did lead me here:

I am 19 years old, and have watched and obviously masturbated to porn for 5 years, a long time i didn't even know
how influential it was on my life, my everyday tasks, school, going out, meeting people, all the social stuff. I first realised
that it was a problem about a year ago: The first time sex was horrible! I wasn't able to maintain a good erection, nor
did any methods my girlfriend tried any help, the experience was a catastrophe whereas it should have been some kind of a victory.  And because of this horrible experience, i suddenly lost control. The feeling I had afterwards can best be described as a collapse of my world as i knew it. Thanks god i had already finished school, because for the next 2 months, i felt really shit, but did NOT knew what the cause for my bad mood, my missing connection to my girlfriend and in general my bad view on life was.

And then, after 2 months of a miserable life, of a time i wished it was evening immediately after i woke up, i thought i found a way
to take control back, through mediation. I still remember my first time of mediation, it was as amazing as listening to your favourite songs
on a good hi.fi setup, just appreciating the "calmness" of the sound (sounds strange, i know). So after this great realization, i started to mediate on a regular base, usually half a hour before going to bed. It helped, but at this time i didn't know about my porn addiction, i kept masturbating to porn as before, even though i had a heartwarmed girlfriend.

It was a few months later when i found out about my porn addiction (the sex life so far could be best described as mehh, viewing back now). I don't recall what it was that made me first think about porn, but as far as i see it, it doesn't matter, because the thing is, that i found out about it. The next days were basically everyday relapses, one followed by another, drowning me down beacause i knew it wasn't doing me any good. Then, the daily relapses became weekly relapses, but i didnt follow my mission as hard as i should had.

So months went by, accompanied by relapses, urges, even more frequent relapses. Until i decided to tell my girlfriend about it. Yup, i havent told her all the time, and still today i (rightfully, as i see it) feel like i was a very bad person for not telling her about it, right after the start.

But then, in February this year, things became better (based on how it has been before), and i managed to do a few 3 or even 4 week streaks. But this period didnt last long, and i went back to weekly relapses ( i obviously stupidly did keep this a secret :( ). Until i told her, that i have relapsed again, this time she was angrier than before, and i felt very sad / uncomfortable for doing this to her.

But it wasnt over yet, a few secret relapses followed, until this ony day it made a snap in my brain, and some kind of fighting monster in my brain awaked, battling all the urges beside on relapse, which was a week ago. I then made the decision to cut out sex, based on the experience of other people this is thought to slow rebooting. So today i have 1 week of no sex, and 8 days without any porn orgasm - but i did peek on porn this morning, which then lead to a "normal", no-porn orgasm that i dont consider as a fallback.

So now i am here, starting my personal journey out of my current brain fog, concentraition problems and all the other side effects, a thing i should have done waaaaay earlier.

What is my goal/ motivation?
My goal now is to diminish my remaining porn addicition to a black, bold 0. I have a vision of myself:

I want to be a an even calmer, reflecting guy (calm, not silent), a man who is fine with his body, who has muscels, goes out more often, who is proud of what he has and what he does, a man who can have sex without the fear of getting the chaser effect, somebody my girl can always relay on, a person who is social, helpful, who is a human. Point.

How do i get there?
This is an easy yet difficult question.
  • First, going to the gym on a daily base will cover the body problems.
  • Second, mediation will take cover of the calmness.
  • And third, time will heal the problems with the urges, the chaser effects and all the other shitty signs.
  • Fourth, music seems to have a greater impact on me since i reduced porn to a minimum, so ill try to listen to my favourite songs ( Brothers in arms, anybody? ;D ) instead of giving in to urges, but will not force myself into listening, because i dont want to ruin my music-experience
  • Fifth: spending more time with my girl aside of the bed (not that it is bad though, but it is not yet as i want it to be), instead cuddling, having dinner, cooking together, baking, visiting the cinema, basically making her proud of me

What will i do now, when will updates come?
Now, i'll take care of my appereance, shave myself, go to bed early and start building up my life, stone on stone, time after time.
And i will keep you updated on a weekly base - or randomly, e.g. instead of giving up, keeping it up.
So you will hear/ read from me again in one week, which for me is the third of July.

Go and have your life!

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