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Topics - Erasmus_xlt

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Ages 40 and up / My 12-Step Journey
« on: July 04, 2016, 02:06:31 AM »
Celebrate Recovery is a Christian based 12-step program similar to Sexaholics Anonymous.  The program is comprised of 12 Steps and 8 Principles that are based on the Beatitudes.  I will begin by posting the twelve steps and then attempt to cataloge my progress through them.

Here are the 12 Steps:
1 We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.Romans 7:18
 
2 We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.Philippians 2:13
 
3 We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship.Romans 12:1
 
4 We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.Lamentations 3:40
 
5 We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.James 5:16
 
6 We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.James 4:10
 
7 We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.1 John 1:9
 

8 We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.Luke 6:31
 
9 We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.Matthew 5:23-24
 

10 We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!1 Corinthians 10:12
 
11 We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.Colossians 3:16
 
12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore them gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.Galatians 6:1

I don't know if my Journey down this road will help anyone else, but feel free to comment if you'd like.  We must recover in our own way.  This path seems to go in the right direction for me in helping me to turn away from porn but also turning to a life of vulnerability, strength and intimacy.


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Ages 40 and up / 30 Days - Love Heals Program
« on: May 24, 2016, 09:16:12 AM »
Upon the recommendation of the significant other (SO) of another porn addict (PA) here in the blogs, I was introduced to Dr. Mark Chamberlain of Suncrest Counseling and his blog http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/?m=1 .  I needed his blog because it spoke straight to the heart of what I needed - learning to love.  Because of my background (which I have discussed in my other blog) I don't really know how to love myself - let alone others. Part of my journey away FROM the addiction of porn is TO a life of love and trust.

Dr. Chamberlain also has a web site called Love Heals Porn http://lovehealsporn.com/.  He has a 30-day challenge (its a program, not a challenge) that I am embarking upon in order "to keep life moving in a better direction."  I will log my progress for the 30 days as a way to keep up with the challenge and to not the improvements and changes that may occur because of them.

On to Day 1 of 30.

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Ages 40 and up / Because God and my Wife Deserve Better
« on: May 18, 2016, 01:25:09 AM »
Day 1.
Busted.  Again.
Its amazing how desperately dumb I can be. 
So, I'm doing homework at the table where I have the computer set up.  My wife is in the bedroom because she hasn't been feeling very well.  She even had to endure an invasive medical procedure to only find out that the doctors do not know what is causing the problem.
I've digressed...(already!)
I reason in my mind that its been a while since we made love (of course, my difficulty obtaining an erection and ejaculating prematurely haven't helped) so a little porn to help is better than the alternative (hooking up with someone on a dating site...)

Aside - Ah, so you see that, eh?  My problem already goes beyond internet porn addiction and straight into sexual addiction of which porn is but one outlet.  Acting out has already ruined one marriage so, porn is my only outlet now.

I open up a browser window to one of the free porn sites I visit on an infrequent regular basis ( you know, I'm fooling myself into thinking that I'm really trying to quit...riiiiight!) and start watching a short video.  Suddenly, she comes out of the room(!)  Oh the horror!.  I try to close the window, but can't.  Instead, I hide the window behind my school work - but the sound is still playing in my headset.

"Keep walking, keep walking" I'm thinking to myself as she heads toward the kitchen.  Then she stops.

"What are you listening to," she innocently asks.  Then, she bends down to listen in and that's when the woman in the video starts moaning loudly in the throes of ecstasy.  I'm mortified.  She demands to know what I'm doing and I sheepishly show her the video playing in the background.  She is hurt beyond belief and ready to kill me.  That night did not end well.  I hate sleeping on the couch.

Skipping forward a couple of days, she discovers that I was using the tablet to cast erotic videos and soft-porn to the tv.  Insult on top of anger.  You know what I did.  That's not a question...you've probably been there too.  I justified and lied.  Presumably, to not expose her to the truth and horrendous pain that she would experience.  But, the truth is, I lied because I was embarrassed and felt lower than snail slime and was trying to protect my non-existent ego.

How is it that I am on the brink of destroying a second marriage?  After all, I am a seminary graduate.  I project blame on the demons that haunt my every waking moment (and most of the sleeping ones too).  I blame my father.  My sisters.  Kids in the neighborhood.  That boy in the bathroom.  That church leader.  Those girls that teased me.  Doors that should have been shut.  Heck, I was even aroused by sex in the Bible (that Song of Solomon!).  But, it's me.

I am the Broken Hallelujah.  I put the nail in His hands.  I pierced His side.  I stole my wife's security.  I damaged her soul.  I did it.  It was me.  I can't blame my past for hijacking my future because of acting on my ever present lust and desire.  I am sinking deep in sin - and I can barely swim recreationally.  Now, she won't talk to me.  She barely looks at me.  She sleeps in the spare bedroom.  And, I am desperately dumb. 

My name is "Erasmus" (name changed to hide the guilty).  I am a wannabe recovering Sex Addict.  Its been two weeks since I have P'd, longer since I have M'd or O'd. 

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