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Topics - vanguard01

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Ages 20-29 / The Start of my Journey
« on: June 29, 2015, 04:34:41 PM »
I'm 23 and have been using porn for close to 10 years now. For most of that time, I never even looked at porn as a problem, or worse yet, an addiction. I always looked at porn as something natural and that all guys do it so what harm could it cause to me. The porn I watched got more extreme over the years, as did the number of times a day I watched porn and the amount of money spent each year on it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I came to the conclusion that I had a porn addiction. I was spending many hours a day, every day watching porn, which greatly affected my social life and my relationships.  I was having trouble concentrating, and remembering simple things after I heard them. My brain felt like a fog. I'm a few classes into my senior year and have still been able to maintain a good GPA, but these last few classes have really taken a hit as a result of my porn addiction. I passed them, but not with the grades I'd like.

A few months ago I took the first step to overcoming my porn addiction. I actually got rid of all porn or sexual related content on my computer, as well as some magazines and DVD's I had. This is something I never thought I'd do because of all the money I've spent on obtaining everything. In the end I did it and for the time being, felt better, like I was taking a step in the right direction and beginning to move forward with my life. From that point on I have been on a rollercoaster of emotion because I have been actively trying to quite PMO. I've had days where I was super depressed, and some days where I simply felt nothing, no emotion, no feeling, nothing.

I just get off of a 9 day no PMO session. I ended up relapsing because for some reason the urges that day were more strong than I was used to and I ended up giving in. So now today, I start over at day 1. I am proud of myself for going the 9 days with no PMO, and even though I relapsed, at least I got to experience how I'd feel going an extended amount of time with no PMO. The changes I experienced weren't anything major because it was only 9 days, but I definitely felt much happier, more positive, and more motivated than ever before. Those 9 days were my most productive days I've had in a long time. They also taught me what my triggers are, mainly boredom, but also stress. At least starting over today I know that I need to keep myself busy as much as I can. One thing that greatly helped me was only using my computer and phone when there's other people around. When I'm in a room full of people, I'm most likely not going to sit their watching porn lol.

I'm going to be out of town for three weeks next month so I'm looking forward to getting away from my technology for a while and essentially forcing myself to go without PMO. I'm debating if I should even bring my phone since I really don't want that temptation to be there. I figure if I can go three weeks and not have access to any of me devices, I'm kind of forcing myself to go on a porn detox.

My long term goal is to forever quit porn, but my short term goal is 90 days, which is what I've read that a lot of others set as a goal as well. After 90 days, I should be pretty good at dealing with my urges as they arise, and by that time, I should be experiencing more of the great affects associated with no PMO in my life. I'm someone who loves quotes and one that I found that I think really applies to this situation is:

When in the process of self-transformation

Desires are aroused, calm them with

Nameless simplicity.

When desires are dissolved in the primal presence,

Peace and harmony naturally occur,

And the world orders itself.
                             
                                     - Lao Tzu


Another great one I got from that "The Imitation Game" movie:

Sometimes you can't do what feels good, you have to do what is logical.



I'm going to try to make a post on here updating my journal on a daily basis.

Ryan
06/29/2015
Day - 1

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