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Topics - newguyneedschange

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Ages 20-29 / Help Me Leave That Black Rose Alone
« on: April 01, 2014, 02:47:00 PM »
4/1/14
I'm 24 years old, and I want to quit porn for both ED reasons as well as religious. I have a good job right now, but I'm working on acquiring a new one with a local security agency. My goals are to decrease the amount of time it takes me to run a mile to sub-8:00, re-landscape my yard, and put pornography so far behind me that the branded images leave my mind.


When I was about 12 or 13 I had no friends, I was the weird kid at school who got good grades but sucked at sports and social situations. I was very shy and spent a lot of time alone or with my dad working on the farm. I wasn't unhappy by any means, but I was a loner. One summer a kid my age moved up the road from me, he was my age and was into some of the same things I was. We hit it off and became friends. It wasn't long before we started sharing stories and having sleep overs. My new friend told me about his step dad, who was extremely abusive and would hit him and his mom if he didn't do his chores on time. He also said he would watch movies with naked people and make my friend sit on the couch and watch them with him. My friend started to come over with porn when I was 13ish and he would ask me to stash it so he didn't get in trouble. I knew it was wrong, but I had this fear of him getting beat if I told an adult. I would look at it when he was gone and I finally started throwing it away and telling him I lost it or that someone had found it. My friend started to get mean and threaten me, so I did what he said from fear. I felt dirty and ashamed, but he was big could kick my butt, and if I said anything he'd get beat. When we were 15 my friend got into drugs, That was where I drew the line and decided that I didn't have to be afraid of him anymore. I stopped hanging out with him, took a few beatings from him, and told him I wasn't going to be quiet about it anymore. Once he saw he couldn't beat me into submission we stopped talking to each other. I still feel bad for this guy, were 24 years old now and I still wonder if he ever got his life in order and if his mom is still in an abusive home.

Over the years after I pushed my once best friend out of my life, I gained new friends have had a good life graduated college, and have had a good job. But whenever life has gotten really hard I turned back to porn. If a relationship went sour, i turned to porn, if i got depressed I turned to porn, whatever put me down just pushed me into porn. It gets to where even seeing a pretty girl makes me have fantasies. It makes me mad because that isn't how i want to think, I don't want to be a pervert, I don't want to be that creep, but when things get tough its like i turn off my willpower and let it happen.

I have mild ED from porn and I want to end it. I have made a breakthrough recently and I believe it has helped, but I know it alone isn't enough because I still go back when things get tough. I have realized that I turn to porn when I lose control of my life, or when I feel the need to objectify women because my old friend made me feel like i wasn't a man. I have overcompensated and turned into a stereotypical sexist jerk who uses women. I know that is wrong and I'm going to stop.

I have a belief in God and I know he probably isn't to happy with my choices thus far in my life. I'm hoping this can be the real start to getting my life back to where I want it, so I can become a real man instead of just trying to look the part. Please anyone who has any advice on staying and getting out of porns grasp give me tips. I know I am capable of beating addiction because I've done it with others before. But porn is a new animal it isn't like a substance that you can just throw out and not let yourself buy, its everywhere. The images are burned in my brain and even if i was all alone on a mountain top i could still picture and fantasize without having to lift a finger.

Please help me out and I'll try to return the favor.


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