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Topics - discobolus

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I’m 41 years old and have been married 7 years and have 2 boys ages 4 and 18 months. I’ve really been having issues lately with ED, especially losing my erection after I’ve got it. It kind of came to a head tonight when I kept losing my erection and my wife was really turned on. She then said she thinks we need to get to the bottom of this and thinks we should do some sort of couples sex therapy. This was all very loving and non-judgemental although it did make me feel like a failure as a man.

The thing is we actually have a very happy marriage and an active sex life, averaging about every other night which is way better than most married guys I know. She is a sexual person and she enjoys it, it’s just that the ED is getting more frequent. 

I’ve had issues with pornography ever since high school and it escalated in college when I got out on my own. Then in medical school and residency (I’m a physician) it escalated even more and I would even see escorts from time to time. My wife is aware of this as we had a conversation about porn while dating and I told her about the escorts after we’d been married about a month. After I met my wife I decided it was time to give up the porn and it was actually quite easy to do as I was riding the dopamine high of a new relationship. While we were dating I was still masturbating to fantasy of her though. I wasn’t in many real relationships to speak of before I met her and my only sexual experiences were with the prostitutes. I wanted to do things correctly with her so I tried to hold off on actual intercourse until we got married. We were successful barely as we were both into each other. The problems really began on the honeymoon as I was just super anxious and ED started right away. Things improved after a while and we’ve actually had long periods where it wasn’t happening but the last several months have been bad.

Anyway the first year of marriage was rough and we ended up in marriage counseling and things improved, but what really changed things was reading the Married Man’s Sex Life by Athol Kay which revolutionized how I interacted with my wife and things got really good.

I put a long streak together from December 2010 to July 2012 with zero porn but slipped up when at a long medical conference by myself while my wife was overseas visiting her brother who had moved to Japan to teach English and married a Japanese women.

We moved closer to her family and she got pregnant with our first child and other than a few fights here and there things are actually really good. I’m crazy about my wife, she really is great, and we have an active sex life despite her being tired all the time from the children.

Ever since that relapse I’ve never had any extended period of sobriety. I might go a month or two but never more. I’ll admit it to my wife if she asks but she rarely does. I just sneak it in on my smart phone when she isn’t around. I know it has to stop and I’d actually not looked at porn since Friday night even before our conversation tonight.

I know performance anxiety and PIED is the biggest part of my problem because I get really solid spontaneous erections all the time, but now even masturbating to porn doesn’t always result in a good erection.

I know I need to do a reboot but don’t know exactly how to do that. Obviously it means no viewing of pornography or masturbating to pornography but what should my sex life with my wife be like? Sex is an important part of our marriage and bonding and she is pretty high desire although she downplays it. Should I even orgasm with her is the question, or do we just do a lot more foreplay and I satisfy her. I just don’t know.

My wife is great and very supportive and we are honestly in a good place, but this ED is getting old for both of us and I’m ready to tackle it head on.

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