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Messages - dhindermann

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Damon's Diary
« on: December 22, 2016, 04:21:49 PM »
OK, so I'm feeling a stirring and was thinking about spending some time on my computer (if you know what I mean) and I just about started my searches.  Then, I thought about my counters and realized I really don't want to reset them.  Then, thinking more about the counters made me think of coming here to talk about what's going on instead of going the wrong direction from what I want.

So, here I am going on about how I'm feeling horny and home alone.  If I weren't alone, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way.  So let's just say I'm triggered and trying not to stumble.  This group and my counters are providing some degree of accountability.  Speaking of accountability, I think it would be good for me to have a partner, but I'm not sure how that really works.  I'm not at much of a stage to hold someone else accountable when I'm really needing that for myself right now.  Are there men around that are further along than I am that could be help to me?  I don't think I'd be much help to them though so it seems rather one sided.

Has anyone ever tried the software that sends reports to a partner about your internet usage?  Things like x3watch or covenant eyes.  Have they been useful?  What are the downsides? Besides my counters, it might help me to know that someone will get a report about what I'm doing and that could be a good deterrent for me.

Really struggling here...  trying to stay strong, but loins are calling!  Going to investigate x3watch right now instead of P and hope it carries me through this episode.

DH

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Damon's Diary
« on: December 21, 2016, 07:28:40 PM »
JJacks, thanks for your comments.  I didn't realize it until I read your comments that I was looking for the men that were more of an idealized version of me.  I did miss out on some good friendship with my father which has lead me to seek more of that from other men.  When I see some men together in pron, I get a bit jealous that they have a friendship that I have never had.  However, I've not really wanted sex with men in reality, just fantasy.

These forums really do help because they let us share and come to see what our issues have been and where we can start looking to address them.

Also, the ways in which we give ourselves permission to do things no one else would give you person to do, like our wives.

Have slept nude for over 30 years.  When I have to wear something, I usually have a hard time falling asleep.  Funny, because I remember having difficulty when I first tried to sleep nude.  I'd get too excited and end up JO followed by no longer desiring sleeping nude.

Another day without PMO - MO has been OK.  I did catch myself searching for inappropriate material which means I think I need to rethink my goals a bit.  I need to add just P without the usual PMO to my PMO MO counters.  So a big goose egg for the P, and ... well I'll have to see why my signature is missing and update it for my other counters.  I look forward to having automated ones that I can sign up for.

DH

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Feels like im full of cum while peeing?!?
« on: December 20, 2016, 04:18:17 PM »
I agree with penitent, sounds like prostatitis to me. I have often what happens to the prostate when it's used to refilling frequently and then that stops. WDs, prostatitis, ...?

DH

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Damon's Diary
« on: December 20, 2016, 11:38:40 AM »
Well, another day down. Restless night with a lot of trigger thoughts going through my head. I think this might be from thinking earlier about what some of my triggers might be. But then I realized at 4:00am what some of them are. I started to reach for my tablet then stopped. Aha! It was some inocuous thing I wanted to "research" that I  know I would have eventually gone to tumblr to see images and once there it always escalates.

When we were shopping last night, I saw some men's pajama bottoms and I  commented to my wife that I always wish I could wear bottoms like those but that I would just sweat in them all night and not get any sleep. Often just wearing boxers to bed is too much to wear. So I was going to look up things like what most guys wear to bed. This I now know would lead to no good.

I'm  now going to need to think about how I use the internet and what it will lead to.  I need to think on what types of research will lead to porn and not just learning about new things. This is going to make this process a bit more difficult than just stopping porn. My triggers will be many and subtle.

DH

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Ages 40 and up / Damon's Diary
« on: December 19, 2016, 04:00:49 PM »
My name is Damon and I'm now 58 and I'm certain I have PIED.  I'm married and my wife and I have not had sex for 3 years.  It started mostly when I started to get a severe bend in my penis. I have been diagnosed with Peyronie’s and it has left me with a substantially shortened hard penis.  The embarrassment of this has made maintaining an erection with my wife almost impossible.  We moved to mutual masturbation and eventually I could never orgasm or stay hard.  This I now realize is caused by my porn addiction that started when I first got the bent cock.

I have now gotten to the point where it is almost impossible to orgasm from porn.  I didn't realize this was all happening because of a porn addiction.  My porn has slowly moved from hetero to gay.  I find it far more arousing because of the intimacy between men.   But when I imagine having real sex with men, I get nothing from it and can't imagine I would ever go there.  It’s a porn thing. I love my wife very much and want to be faithful to her only.  Sometimes I think gay porn allowed me to think I was still being faithful.

I'm now ready to work on this and so my goals are to stop porn altogether, not just PMO.  I also need to stop all masturbation. I have been unemployed for a year and it has given me far too much time to spend trying to edge for hours only to find it's getting almost impossible to orgasm after hours of porn.

It just so happens that I haven't looked at porn or masturbated since 12/14/16 because I have been busy and my wife has not been at work due to snow issues.  This means I'm going to use that day as my start day.  I'm going to let some of my daily journal entries help bring more of me out.  Right now, I just want to get on record as beginning the journey.  I think having a tool that shows my progress will be very helpful for me since I won't want to be breaking streaks that would break records if I didn't falter.  Hope that made sense.  So, my first goal I want to set is what I believe to be achievable.  I'm setting 30 days as my first with the final goal of 90.  I think if I can make it to 90, then I can resist beyond that. My wife and I played seriously with chastity 10 years ago, and I think the longest I ever went was about 18 days. So, 30 will be quite the task especially with nothing physical in the way to stop me when lying in bed in the morning.

So here I go! 6 days and counting!

Damon

Counter and better avatar coming soon

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