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Messages - aquarius25

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I just posted in my journal about some of this but wanted to post here too maybe for feedback/ insight and conversation.

 I am have been thinking a lot about my husbands relapse and what circumstances lead to it as well as everything after. Being in quarantine gives a lot of time to think, lol. So here is where I am at now. This is our first big relapse in almost 4 years. That is a big deal and a really long time making great progress. At the end of the day he is a porn addict. Not was a porn addict, is. I think we both stopped seeing that. I think for both of us our guard went down. We both got comfortable and we both felt that porn addiction was part of our past. The priority and focus became less important because it was years ago, right? Well no. We both understand now that this isn't something you recover from in a past tense sort of way. It is a daily decision for him to choose recovery or to feed his addiction. Either way he is still an addict. Today he is an addict in recovery. His recovery is his responsibility, my mistake was I stopped seeing him as one at all. By doing this I disregarded a big part of him as this is a part of him. He stopped staying focused and slowly his guard came down and he caved in. I stopped thinking that was even a possibility. This isn't the flu that you get over. I stopped understanding the battles he deals with everyday and started seeing him as something he is not, I stopped accepting that he is an addict. So when the relapse came it was devastating. It felt like I was right back at day one because I put myself right back there. I had slowly allowed myself to live in a world where I wasn't married to an addict anymore and the realization was hard, again! Being married to an addict requires you to choose him, all of him, even the crappy stuff. You are choosing to partner with him even when it isn't fair and even. It is part of choosing to be married to an addict. It doesn't mean I can't have boundaries. It doesn't mean I am not important or that I don't need support. Is still have and need all of those things. It does mean that by committing to this man I am choosing the whole package. I am understanding that he is not perfect and there are days when he may not win this battle. He will still have maintain boundaries of honestly in our relationship but I am committing to also be supportive to him because I can't be his partner if I can't accept these things. For me, this is what it means to be married to an addict. I am staying because loving him, even when it hurts, it is better than life without him.

I understand not everyone will agree. Thoughts and support is welcomed and encouraged.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: Today at 09:52:07 AM »
Kopp, thank you. I don't really feel like a wonderful person but I am trying to be better than I was the day before.

Things are good. My husband continues to improve every day in his shared thoughts and actions. I continue to grown in more understanding of what it means to be married to an addict, to choose him and that includes all of him even the worst parts. He chooses me and I am no picnic sometimes. I am continuing to learn and understand that marriage isn't about partners and being equal its about supporting each other to the best we can be to our ability and that isn't always equal. Either way I am still here choosing him in all of his brokenness just as he chooses me. He is no worse or better than me just as I am no worse or better than he is. We are just different. His addiction does not define him and his worth but it does impact who he is. He would not be the same person in the good and the bad without it so I am not going to live with the idea that I wish he didn't have this. Instead I am going to accept this as part of him. We are both slowly understanding more of how this works and my hope is through this process he will be more equipped to handle temptation in the future and I will better understand how to support him while maintaining my boundaries and my own sense of place in this relationship. While I don't necessarily agree with all of the things in the 12 step program I do agree with step one, acceptance. I am learning now that maybe for a marriage to work with an addict (no matter what the addiction is) acceptance needs to be had by both of us. He needs to accept that he is an addict everyday and choose to walk in recovery. I need to accept him, that this is part of him, and love him for his whole self and not just the best parts.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 23, 2020, 02:23:47 PM »
Things are continuing to slowly improve. I am actually relieved my the slow part because I think it's a sign that it might last. I feel like when people make changes really fast a lot of time the fizzle out in their enthusiasm and it doesn't really last. When it is slow and gradual it feel like there is an attempt at lasting change.

 We have talked a lot about the last 4 years and the progress as well as the relapse. One thing we both notices was in the first two years he was very intentional and focused and slowly he got comfortable and just stopped seeing himself as an addict in recovery and started seeing himself as recovered, past tense. He stopped being aware of his weakness when he is overwhelmed and sure enough when the stress was added he started processing it in old ways. First he was totally rationalizing it and then it got to a point where he really realized it was out of control again and I think he was too scared to tell me. He knew how much it hurt the first time and the reality was he was being selfish. He didn't want to loose me and he was worried that if he told me I would leave. I really feel like that isn't fair to me. That isn't giving me the right to choose. Also it isn't really considering who I am and weather or not I am a person who would choose to stay. I know I would have especially if he came to me humble and honestly. I understand that I am married to an addict. It doesn't make him a bad person but it does come with it's own difficulties and I am committed to this life together. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. It bothers me that he doesn't see that. One thing that occurs to me about his fear is most likely if the tables were turned, I fear he is a bit less forgiving. I feel he knows that he wouldn't stay so believing I would is difficult for him to understand.

Either way, I am here. We are doing better each day and we are both still committed to seeing this through.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: New to all this!
« on: May 21, 2020, 06:12:22 PM »
Well as sorry I am that you are going through this situation and hurt I am glad that you have found this site. You are not alone.  It is completely ok to feel all of the emotions and to be so angry with him and at the same time want to be supportive. Porn addiction reeks havoc on relationships. Everyone will say, and I will echo, that it is not about you. His addiction is his and it doesn’t mean anything about you being not enough. Even though that is the truth it still feels like the biggest blow to your confidence. i get it, I really do! Just know that you are not alone. This community is here to answer questions, encourage you, and to support you any way we can.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Red flags
« on: May 19, 2020, 02:42:28 PM »
I think it is important to keep something in mind when you are trying to communicate, (I also think this is a good thing for PA partners to understand). The dynamic of trying to stay in a relationship with a PA is a very different dynamic than other relational hurts. See the person who has caused you the hurt is also the person seeking your support. They are a victim and Perpetrator in a way. This is something most PA’s don’t want to hear and get upset about but it is the truth. See, you love them and you want to make it work but at the same time they have also been the one (in a lot of cases but not all) to lie, manipulate, and frankly make you feel pretty worthless. When communicating you need to keep two perspectives in mind. First and foremost you need to have boundaries in mind and start figuring out what you need to heal for yourself. Second, what you are hoping for the relationship. It is almost like these are two different Things. I have found in my own relationship and in connecting with other partners on here for the last few years that a lot of PA’s tend to want you to be their support and partner through this but a lot of times that is a mistake because you can’t be their accountability partner when that triggers you in your recovery. I found it very difficult to hear when my husband was feeling like he wanted to look at porn or when he told be that now was the time of day he was looking at porn knowing that at the very time I was busting my butt doing a bunch stuff and needed his support. There was a lot of sloppy emotions spilling everywhere and it created a ton of arguments. So my point is before you confront him know what you need, and know what you are capable of handling. Be prepared and know what you can commit to and what you can’t. Have that straight before you begin.   

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 19, 2020, 02:20:15 PM »
Things are going well. The hubby is communicating a lot and doing everything he can to stay on track. I feel like I really couldn’t ask for more than that, after all it is his best. I am excited for his enthusiasm but i am also apprehensive to get too excited about his efforts. In the past he would do really well for about 2 weeks and then slowly he would start slacking on his commitments and gets comfortable. He did really well for a while, years in fact but he also let some of his Commitments go and stopped continuing to grow and improve. It was like he just stopped looking at porn but the underlying attitudes came creeping back and then surprise surprise eventually with those attitudes the porn came back too. I want to be excited for him but I also want to guard my heart because I am just not sure I can handle another blow of disappointment. Another concern I have is that his usual behavior is to really fixate on one thing and try to fix it by thinking about it all the time, at the expense of everything else. He has been concerned about his PIED as that was the thing that tipped my off to his relapse in the first place. His erections have returned pretty quickly ( I suspect that he had more performance anxiety than actual PIED). So as soon as They returned he is wanting to focus all his attention on our sex life. I am concerned, while I do enjoy finally having sex I worry that he is just trying to recreate porn in our bedroom. I would like to see him put more effort into being present in his everyday life and working on his root causes instead of putting all f his thought process and attention into being better int he bedroom. This to me is a red flag.  While I don’t want to tell him how to do his recovery, I have my own emotions to work though, but I am concerned. We will just have to see how it goes.

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Thanks Kimba. Its been rough but we are slogging through it.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 11, 2020, 09:41:12 AM »
Happy late mother's day to all the mama's out there. Things here are steady. Now that some time has passed I am more and more confident that I do have full disclosure, or at least I know everything that he knows. As he unpacks his raw emotions and feeling about this I am sure he will uncover more and I do hope he confides in me per our agreement. For the first week or so he wouldn't touch me. We usually hold hands and are very cuddly and lately he has been hesitant to reach out at all. It hurts. It makes me feel even more rejected. I think about reaching out to him and then I just feel more angry and it's almost like I get stuck there. I want him to want me, to reach out and hold me and tell me this will be ok. I want him to be strong, but he is not. I understand why, I am just tired of always being the strong one for both of us. I am just tired of so much. I am slowing knowing more and more that we will probably get through this but right now I am just exhausted.

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Hi there. I am so for all of the hurt you are experiencing. This situation is never easy and I understand the feeling that can come up. Know you are not alone in this. What you describe does sound a lot like a porn addiction and maybe even PIED but I am not a professional. A reboot wouldn't hurt anything. The most important thing is communication though. You two need to be able to talk to each other and share your thoughts and feelings freely. If you can't do that than porn addiction or not you have some real things to work out. I know this can feel overwhelming and you go though a see of emotions, it really does just plain suck. At the end of the day there is support here. You are welcome to ask questions, seek support, and be able to vent frustrations whenever needed. Welcome. While I am sorry for the situation I am glad you found this space.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Covid quarantine and recovery
« on: May 07, 2020, 03:02:35 PM »
I saw a post in the main forum regarding this topic and thought I would start one here. How is quarantine effecting your recovery? Is it helping? Is it hurting? How so?

For myself in some ways it’s helpful because on one hand we have more time together. On the other our time together always has kids around. The stress if being a small biz owner add a lot to the tension and stress in the house. Then there is the fact that there is no real escape from each other. I mean we do get away from each other every once in a while but. We are together a lot. I sometimes feel like I am suffocating with this hurt and thoughts of his porn addiction. I feel like it’s important to be able to get out and enjoy each other too and with everything closed there isn’t much opportunity for a “date night”. We have tried to go on neighborhood walks together so that helps a bit bit we both feel a bit uncomfortable talking when all of our neighbors are around.
So that’s my experience. What’s yours?

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Darkhorse, I am sorry to hear that. Glad you are back on track!

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 06, 2020, 02:32:31 PM »
Well things are continuing. My husband is still on track and claims to have not had any relapse issues so far. He seems to be trying to figure out some things for his triggers and his root causes. He is attempting at communicating, although most of the conversation is more of him talking and telling me how he is feeling rather than a back and forth conversation, but at this point I will take what I can get. I would appreciate if he would actually ask how I am doing and make ore effort to have actual communication. I find it a bit on the ironic side that one of his big issues is self-center-ness (porn being a big self focused act)  and so far his plan for repairing our relationship is to analyze himself and talk about himself, lol. I know, baby steps, this is progress because at least he is communicating.

Another thing that I have noticed coming up for me that has been a bit difficult is this...everyone loves my husband. He is much more likable than me. He is more outgoing. I am more a stay in and read kind of person. He is out wanting to serve on all of these city boards and helping do all these initiatives to help with economic growth and grow the city. He knows everyone, all the commissioners and the mayor and all of the big wigs of the city he has on speed dial.  I defiantly am less schmoozey, and more blunt (I always have been a very direct communicator) and not as out about the town. I do work part time in a food truck, its more of a hobby. I have wanted my own food truck for well over a decade but it has never been the right time. We have another business and since moving here (3 yrs ago) my husband has added another business of his to our load, so my truck has been on the back burner. A year ago I decided if I couldn't have my own truck than I would at least work in one and learn the ropes. SO anyway, I work in a taco truck and love it! My boss and his wife are really nice and they have become good friends with our family. He really likes hanging out with my husband. Anyway, I have noticed that men like to joke a lot about adultery.  They will say jokes about me being not nice if I don't just say my husband is the best thing ever. Or they will joke about maybe he will leave me or find someone else who will be nice. I usually laugh it off but I have to say considering current events it is actually really hard not to just want to scream. I know they don't mean it meanly but it still hurts. People think he is the greatest thing, they don't know the whole truth of it. It is hard to go places and have everyone talk about how great this man is who is currently causing me so much pain. I am trying to just smile and shake it off but honestly it hurts and it sucks. Why aren't people defending me in the same light? Is it because I am not a man? This is something I really just don't understand.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Wife of ST posting here
« on: May 04, 2020, 03:55:58 PM »
Welcome, so glad you were able to share your story. This addiction is hard enough but adding ADHD I imagine makes everything so much more difficult. I welcome you here! Feel free  to reach out, seek support and ask questions if you have any! I am sorry for your hurt but I am glad you found a community.

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Thanks ladies for the response. Gracie, yes I get it, we need to keep talking. I am trying but to be honest I am frustrated. I feel like if I am not the initiating the conversation than it doesn't happen. Yes, I have told him this more than once but it just doesn't seem to sink in or maybe he is too full of fear or he just doesn't want to. Either way he just doesn't do it. I am left feeling like the parent walking a child through the process of working through an argument with a friend of something. The problem is when I have to initiate all of the conversations it make me feel like his parent and not his wife. I am into interested in that dynamic with him. I feel like this behavior is something I am not attracted to at all and when he does this I feel like I loose attraction in him.

Me, I understand the dynamic of a marriage of convenience. I really don't want that. I know that technically I have grounds for a divorce and could file but I am not going to do anything like that until I am way more removed from the emotion of this whole thing. A weekend away won't cut it, lol. Plus with the quarantine right now it's not an option.  I hope that as time goes on maybe he will figure some things out and start communicating. Logically I know that relapses are part if this and staying in this relationship means dealing with them. Emotionally, relapses are terrible. They truly are crushing in so many ways. Maybe part of the frustration was that we had a plan of communication if he did relapse. I felt so much comfort knowing there was  a plan. (As you can tell I am a planner, lol) He just didn't do it, instead I have to be the one (again) initiating the conversation and clawing out scraps of information. Each time that I uncover more new info it's like a wrecking ball to any ounce of trust that is left. It is also a wrecking ball to any ounce of relationship that is left too. I feel like he tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me as justification for this hiding and lying behavior but the truth is he is scared and frankly being a coward and that is not attractive at all. So again, i am just going to give this some time. I am not going to make any decisions for at least 6 months. Let's hope things improve. In the meantime I so much appreciate having support here. Thank you ladies so much!

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I am not going to speak say one way or another weather your method will work or not but I wanted to bring up a few points that I experienced from my husbands severe PIED (he was addicted for over a decade and had PIED off and on for almost all of it)

1) we did have sex (when he could) during his reboot and something he experienced was that the chaser effect for him was very difficult to get over. He had his strongest urges to look at porn after having  an orgasm. SO if this is a method you are wanting to try be aware of this and maybe have a plan for what to do when you are extremely triggered in the days that follow.

2) He finally after a few months into his reboot did do a full 90 days without any orgasm (I actually think he did over 90 days) then we started up our intimacy and physical relationship again and he said the chaser effect was a lot less. He said the urges to look at porn were a lot more manageable and not as big a deal after going for a few months with no orgasm.

Now every recovery is different. He continued to experience PIED off and on for almost 2 years post D-day.  He has been fine since all the way up until his recent relapse and I will also say that PIED came back right away. I think part of it is physical and part of it is mental. I mention all of this to offer up a personal account of someone who went through this, recovered, and has now returned in hopes that it can offer something that might be helpful to anyone one here who may be experiencing something similar. If you are going to try and have Orgasms during your reboot don't be caught off guard if you experience the chaser effect (you might not but it is good to be prepared) as it could derail your progress and that, I imagine, would be very frustrating.

Good luck!

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 04, 2020, 02:59:20 PM »
Redfire, yes stress totally adds to the equation. It's already not an easy situation to be in and adding this quarantine is crazy. I really hope you find success in your reboot and lifestyle change. That is what this has to be for it to last, a total life change.

As for now, we are talking. I think that is a good sign, I guess. He did finally bring up our missed date to work together. I asked if it was because he read about it on here, he admitted yes he did read this bit that he actually didn't completely forget. He said he remembered but didn't know how to bring it up and we were busy with other things so he just never said anything. I feel like that is a theme with him. He doesn't like to bring up uncomfortable topics so he just doesn't and then I have to hold his hand through talking about the big important issues. I told him that I am not going to do that anymore. If it means we talk less than that is fine but it is not up to me to have to be the one bringing up everything and making sure we are working through things. If ends up feeling less sincere. (Like the kids who's mom tell them to apologize, it just doesn't feel like they mean it when you hold their hand through it).  HE agreed that he does that and said he is going to try to be more proactive about our communicating. I am interested to see if that actually happens and how long it lasts. I know this makes me sound like a real jerk but honestly, I am at a place where I just don't care. I am ok being the jerk because I am tired of his addiction impacting so much of my life. He needs to figure out what it is he is wanting and he needs to have gumption to be willing to communicate that. If not than this relationship just won't work as I am done pretending, tip toeing, and playing all of these other game around hoping he will be the husband he said he wanted to be. I understand people make mistakes, I understand addiction. If he was honest and took accountability for his actions rather than having me have to confront him about all of this I would probably feel much different, however, this is the situation we are in. He got us here, he needs to be part of getting us out!

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Me, yes! I completely want to say there are no more fuck left to give but then I think, if that were true than it should hurt this much. Does that mean there still are a few fuck left? Ugg. I feel like it would be easier to be indifferent however for some stupid reason I just can't be. It probably because it all too fresh. Like reopening an old wound but in the process of reopening it you realize its a bit deeper now sure there's old scare tissue but there is also some new damage that is pretty serious. My husband isn't really getting it, unfortunately. Sure he says he is not looking at porn and we have gone an entire 72 hrs without new information coming to light... Is that a sign I finally have all the info now? Who would know? But he isn't really addressing his desire and plan for how to heal us. To me that is the most important part. I am not removing the thought of packing my shit and leaving until he can tell me that he has a plan for us. I am not going to make a big move like file for divorce right now but I am not removing it as an option until I see some progress in this area and the longer he waits to not address this the stronger this rout appeals to me. Am I off base in this? Just looking for outside perspective. I feel like I am too close and not sure if I am able to see the whole picture right now.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 03, 2020, 10:13:55 AM »
Gracie, you are such a positive and reassuring consistency for me. I really hope you know how much I appreciate you! You remind me that I am not along. You show me that it is possible to keep working at this, and I can see that even year later it is ok to still be feeling the hurt and that there are still old cobwebs of resentment/hurt to clean out. A koi pond sounds beautiful. I understand. Before this latest relapse I had finally set up my jewelry bench and had added a few new power tools. I am fairly power tool savvy but my husband is much more experienced than I and I had asked him if he would spend a day working with me and getting me started. I think more than anything I wanted to company and encouragement to help inspire me to get going on a few things. See we have been working on our old Victorian house that he picked. It's his style, not mine as much but it was cheap so I went along with it. This has been a big project and living in a construction zone and defiantly worn on me. I have waited with all of my art supplies basically packed and moved from one place to another but not really in a usable space for 3 years. So finally setting up a studio was big! I was hoping that he and I could work together on a few things. I was looking forward to it. Now, I think because I was so looking forward to that time together it has kinda ruined it for me. I would be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a bit depressed. I just feel down, even with the sunny day outside. I just want to say in and away from everyone. So going and working in my studio is just a reminder of the 3 years of pouring into his wants at the expense of mine, all the while thinking we are working on a path of healing, only to find that in face I have been played the fool. It is a bit disheartening and has crushed any motivation for creative expression.

 This whole things is such a mess. He has been talking and trying, sortof. We talked with the kids and he followed up one on one with them and talked a but more. Both kids admitted to feeling like he hasn't been present and he said he would work on that. So now, of course, he is giving them lots of extra attention and they are all excited. It's like if he graces them with his presents than he is the hero or something, when in reality he should have been doing this all along. I am not going to kiss his ass for doing something he should have been doing and something I have been doing in overtime because I have been picking up his slack. Also, he hasn't once brought up to me and initiated to conversation of how he plans to help repair us. He is giving a lot of time to the kids but pretty much crickets to our relationship. He hasn't once mentioned or apologized for not helping with the art studio. We had actually scheduled a few days last week before all this happened and I am pretty sure he just forgot. He never mentioned it, and I felt bringing it up when I am thins mad will only end in an argument. Honestly at the end of the day I feel like he is trying to repair and make this work for the family as a whole, not for me and him as a couple. Its the family he loves, not necessarily me individually. My fear is that the feeling might be mutual and that truly is heartbreaking.

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Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 01, 2020, 06:41:18 PM »
Today is another day. The other night more details came out. Apparently he was masturbating up to 4 times a week. He defiantly gave the impression it wasn't very often so getting this fact out kinda took my breath away, especially since I have been waiting a long time to have good sex and this while time he as been just selfishly satisfying himself. I just don't understand any of this. We were doing so good. I was really trusting him. I felt so good about us before all of this and now it just feels like that reality that I had I am now understanding I was being lied to the entire time. I know not everything was a lie. I know that he was really trying and that 4 years is a really good amount of time. But I also feel so much hurt anytime I allow myself to think about it. Most of the time I just don't allow my mind to wander this far. I am just trying to get through each day being present to my kids. Our business has had a huge hit from the quarantine and that has added quite a bit of stress and I know it is hard on the kids. They both had been working on things for months to only have them cancelled and they are dealing with losses of their own. So for now I am just trying to be there for them.

I know this entry sounds like total rambling, and it is. I am just trying to get all of this out in what I hope is a safe space.

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Hey Gracie, thanks for the reply. Yes things have been rough here. Adding the stress of being a small business owner during this quarantine is not helping. We are talking more. He claims that he has told us everything, yada yada yada. I don't think it really matter if it is true or not, it more that I have lost interest and care to try. I am thinking I just need to give it time. I believe in not making rash decisions when your emotions are running high so I am trying to pass the days. Trying to just do my daily life and not allow my mind to wander because when that happens I just get overwhelmed and unhappy. My kids don't need a mom depressed right now. When there is nothing consistent in the world I need to be the consistency for them. So for now that is where I am at.

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Porn Addiction / Re: Today = 548 days/18 months of pure sobriety
« on: April 30, 2020, 05:55:49 AM »
I first want to say congratulations! The time spent living and distance from your addictions is no easy step and I am sire you are experiencing a better quality of life. That is awesome! I also wanted to say to keep it up. Never think that you are “over this” even years later if you let your guard down you can find yourself compromising and your thoughts and decision making can slip. My husband went just shy of 4 years and recently relapsed. He got comfortable. He thought he had beat this and it was over rather than continuing to look at it as a daily choice. Keep up the good progress, stay humble, it’s a daily choice everyday even a decade later.

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Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: April 29, 2020, 03:00:45 PM »
Glad to hear you are in a good place! Sending you much peace and love my friend.

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How to handle when your spouse relapses? I have been mulling this over quite a bit. He has gone almost 4 years without porn or porn subs. I feel like the past 4 years has been nothing short of a psychopathic roller-coaster of emotion. A lot of hurt but also a lot of growth on both our parts. I feel like through this experience I have become a stronger person. I used to come on here almost every day or more and I received so much support. As I healed and worked through things I noticed I would come here not as much to receive support but more to offer support to others. As life got busier I just had less and less time and honestly I just felt good living life.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I noticed certain attitudes returning. Sex became less and less frequent and when it did occur it was not good. I noticed that my husband was becoming more and more focused on himself first. This attitude was in all areas of life but most obvious during sex. It was short and mostly him getting off and pretty much nothing else, no connection and frankly no fun. I tried to tell myself he was just stressed. All the regular excuses but honestly the reality is that I knew this behavior. This is the attitude of an addict. Why has this monster returned? Why would my husband throw away 4 years of progress? Why isn't he telling me. So I waited.

 Finally, after attempting sex and realizing that PIED has returned I hit a point. I just said he needed to be honest and that I felt like he was viewing porn. He first denied it. Then admitted to not viewing porn but a few porn subs but not masturbating to them. Then he said he had been masturbating but not at the same time as viewing the subs. Every time its like he admits to a little more but is still insisting that he hasn't looked at any porn. I am less than likely to believe him. Plus there is the PIED, lol.

 So how do partners process this? It feels like we are all the way back at square one and yet it feels so different. While on the one hand I can look and say "Look how far we have come! If we did it once we can do it again!". On the other I feel like I am not the depressed small person I was before. Do I really want to spend my life dealing with this shit? I deserve more that this shit! I don't want a repeat of the past 4 years. All the hurt and garbage, no way! He is not a terrible person. He is an ok father to our kids (I am not going to say he is stellar because frankly he is self centered) but he isn't naturally mean spirited at all. He is nice. We own a business together, we have a family. Is it really worth throwing in the towel? Is there really anything better out there? These are all the questions I feel running through my mind while I put on a good face and pretend to our customers and kids that everything is fine. When we are alone I just can't bring my self to even want to talk.  I feel less concerned with how he is doing and I am less interested in him as a person, and if I am going to be real honest I am not really even attracted to him right now. That may just be the emotion and hurt but that is where I am. Where do I go from here?

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Jo, my personal opinion (and this might not be a popular one) is that if a spouse knew and was fine with it then no. To me the "cheating" is because of the dishonesty and lie. If the spouse is fine with it then I don't perceive it as cheating. Every couple has their own story. I assume if you are here than you have your reasons why you need to reboot and are experiencing addiction. Now I will add (again this is just my perspective) if the spouse says later that actually it makes them uncomfortable  and the other spouse decided that they will stop viewing porn and then continues to view then it has become cheating because again, it's the lie that is the trust breaker. That is what kills the relationship. Both partners need to feel safe and that they can trust their partners. If not the relationship will have problems.

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Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Confused and need advice
« on: April 28, 2020, 03:13:12 PM »
As much as I can appreciate the perspective of Pete McVries I want to add something. His perspective is coming from the perspective of the addict (or post addict), not a partner. Yes it is good for an addict to not experience ultimatums and they need support. Sure they want to know you will stand by their side but (and this is a very big BUT) only if you can, if you feel safe, and if you are in an emotional place to do so. If you are experiencing hurt or anything as a result of this situation it is perfectly ok to get space, need a break, and basically not be the perfect cheerleader for him. Will that make his reboot harder? Maybe and maybe not, either way his recovery isn't dependent on you and you don't need to do something if you are not in a place to be able to do so. It is ok to feel hurt, it is ok to not be ok with this. If you are feeling fine and you are wanting to be the supportive partner suggested about great! If that changes at anytime, it is ok if you can't be as supportive too. There is no one answer that is correct. I, as a partner, wanted to mention this perspective because it hadn't been mentioned and that just doesn't feel right.

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