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Messages - aquarius25

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: June 18, 2019, 03:17:47 PM »
Just remember every big journey starts with one foot in front of the other. Its all about those little steps building to something great. You are doing a fantastic job, keep it up. Remember you can't change yesterday, and no amount of trying will bring tomorrow any sooner so live for today. Be the best version you can of yourself now. Two weeks is fantastic! All of the men who have left porn for 1 yr, 5 yrs and beyond all started with 2 hrs, 2 days, 2 months and so forth.

2
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 14, 2019, 08:25:33 AM »
Yes, PE30! I have heard of him and he is great. I think you are spot on and I completely agree. Also Thanks for the kid words. I find your sincerity in a desire for a life change to be very inspiring as well. My heart really wants to see more men in this world who want to live healthy lives and raise healthy families! We need those examples for future generations.

On the life front things are going better. The poison ivy in my eye swelled it shut and pushed on my optic nerves creating a very sever headache when I tried to open it so I had to wear an eye patch. When you start your week as a pirate you know its gonna be rough, lol. Thankfully the antibiotics are helping and I am patch free now! Everything else seems to be good. Just working on our house and trying to rebuild our porch. Its a lot of work. We have decided to divide our time, so he is working at our shop and I am working on the house. We have always been hard workers and it made me realize just how much more he works now. It seems like he get so much more done. I asked him about this and he said that the difference is porn. Before not only did he spend time watching porn, time that he now spends working, but it also ins't taking up brain space either. He has a more clear head. I am continuing to be amazed by the impact porn has on a life in so many countless ways.

3
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 12, 2019, 01:12:58 PM »
Feeling a bit better. My husband and I talked for a while, first we said we would think about it a bit longer. He didn't want to take any action unless we were both on board. Now he says he just really doesn't want a Facebook page at all. If there is a group that needs it for him to be a part of then he just said that is probably not a good group for him. He doesn't want to deal with social media and likes his life without it. I have to say i am really relieved.

Other than that life is pretty much the same. I have been doing some yard clean up and have managed to get poison ivy in my eye! It is all swollen up and itchy, so I am learning self control too LOL!!!! I have never wanted to itch something so much in my life! Hopefully this too will pass!

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: June 06, 2019, 10:08:29 AM »
Good insights! Something I would encourage you to ask yourself to find those deep root causes, Example would be in the 1 reason "it feels good" and "boosts your ego" the question would be why do you need this? Are you not feeling appreciated? Are you not feeling needed/ wanted in your relationship with your wife? What is causing you to need that and how can you deal with the root causes in your relationship with your wife and with God? I know my husband didn't have a lot of confidence. He had to accept and learn to love himself, to learn that he is perfectly created just as he is and that he is enough. Women talk a lot about being insecure but men don't talk about it as much. I feel like they are just as insecure though. They need to know that they are desired and needed just as much as women do. This is because we are all human and we were all created to connect with each other. My point being look at each reason why you do look at porn and ask yourself what is the root? What am I missing or needing in my heart and in my relationships that I am try to fill with porn and why? Then when you realize you can start to take healthy steps to replace it with more constructive and fulfilling things. Heck I would encourage you to sit down and talk with your wife about it. Have her answer the same questions, you can support each other. Then in addition to building good communication you are both able to strengthen each other and you won't feel alone in this. I think it is important for both partners to openly discuss their shortcomings and struggles. It prevents one partner from feeling like they are the only one who is struggling. Everyone struggles with something, you are not alone. At the end of the day ask yourself with each of these reasons, "Why am I not enough in this area? What void is porn filling an why? What do I need for me to feel fulfilled in this area?" Or even  ask "What lie am I believing about myself?" An example would be in my husbands case he was believing that he was not good enough just as he is. That is a lie, a complete lie, because he is more than enough, he is incredible. So once the lie is identified we asked "What truth can I replace this lie with?"

This is just a suggestion. These are questions and steps that helped us get to our root causes. Things still come up sometimes but we both feel like now we have to tools to handle them. If these don't work for you than you can completely disregard them, lol. I will be praying for you and your family!

5
Thanks Redfire03 for you perspective and suggestions. I didn't think about a joint profile mainly because the groups are mens networking groups. They have some groups in our town that are men's christian entrepreneur groups. They are meant to not only be a support group for other men but also a networking group as well. This group does a lot of events and community related things. I have heard on several occasions from other men that my husband should come to their events and how great it would be. They post all of their meetings and things on a facebook group so he is always hearing about it after the fact. It is frustrating. Honestly I feel like I go back and forth on two perspectives. Yes I could share a profile and monitor everything and there is this big part of me that wants to do that but.... there is this other part of me that says no. Not only do I not want to be his parent that is also not trusting him, that is not allowing him the freedom to show me that he can do this and I can trust him to be honest. I can't control everything. If he really wants to relapse than there really isn't a lot I can do. I don't want to be the wife that has to checking and is constantly obsessed with this. We are not 6 months into a reboot, he is 3 yrs porn free. He has not PMO'd for three years. I feel like at some point I need to start trusting more. It is really hard to say that. It feels really scary and it defiantly triggers all the memories and emotions of D day but today is not D day. He is not the same person and neither am I. 

As you can see I am a bit of a mess going back and forth on these thoughts. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I talked with him last night and even he said that yes in someways it might make a few things easier but that he doesn't want to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. That attitude right there is a huge improvement! We both have decided to just think on it for a bit and not make any decisions until we both feel good about it. I like the idea of sharing a profile to start. I certainly don't care if he sees all my stuff as I don't believe in asking him to do something I am not willing to do. Transparency in a marriage is really important to me. Do you think it would be weird of we share a profile and he participated in the mens group with a shared profile? Other suggestions, perspectives, thoughts are welcome. I am sure I am not the only one who deals with these things.

6
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Needing advise and perspective
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:37:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing our friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

7
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: June 05, 2019, 11:30:56 AM »
Well I am feeling supper triggered. I feel like I am having a mental battle with my mind and my emotions. This morning my husband and I had a conversation about social media. He doesn't have Facebook or instagram or anything because they were a big part of his addiction. He was viewing friends and masturbating to them while viewing porn at the same time. Ugg it was awful. Well here we are years down the road and we constantly run into issues with our business because he is missing events and things that are happening because there was  a facebook event made and that is what they are using to get the word out. So dumb because Facebook is so old and not a current platform but alas we are in the heartland now and everything is years behind, lol. Anyway, I am usually the one who has to tell him what is happening and I miss stuff. Well now there are some closed groups that he has been asked to lead and would be really beneficial for our business but they require him to have facebook. This has brought up so many emotions. He hasn't made an acc or anything yet we just had a short conversation about it this morning about how it might be needed. He said he actually likes life without it because in a lot of ways it is easier but our business needs him to be more up on what is going on.

Mentally I know he isn't viewing porn. I know he actually doesn't like social media. Heck he doesn't even come on here because he just wants to connect more on an individual basis with people. I know he texts a few men he met on here and that is more his speed. I know he has changed and would hope he wouldn't make the same mistakes as last time. We moved across the country and started over in big part due to his Facebook usage and the impact it had on relationships. I know and believe that he is not the same person and I do trust him....but.... why am I so emotional? Why is this a big deal. Why does even the thought of him having a facebook page make me want to cry and make my heart beast faster? I feel ridiculous and yet I know that these emotions are valid and telling me something. This probably sounds like a rambling rant but hey its honest.

Advise would be appreciated. I may repost this in the partners forum too so that I might get more feedback on this pickle. I hate that after all this time it all still hurts. ugg

8
Ages 40 and up / Re: Yes I Can!
« on: June 03, 2019, 07:53:16 AM »
I think that is a great perspective Bob! We are all works in progress, and since I have yet to meet a perfect person, we will probably always being growing till the day we die. Our lives are made up of a bunch of baby steps that over time create something really beautiful (or at least I hope so, lol). One day at a time. Even my husband, now a few yrs porn free, views himself as recovering not recovered. We are all recovering from something. Focus each day on making it a little better than the day before and tomorrow will be even better still. Give grace to yourself when you stumble and allow that grace for others too. Learn to love yourself and know that each day is an opportunity. Keep at it!

9
Women / Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: June 03, 2019, 07:46:56 AM »
I am so happy for you two!!! So glad to hear a good outcome! It is not easy but having a relationship healing is so good to hear! Congrats again and best of luck in the years to come!

10
I am so very sorry for all of the destruction that you and your family are experiencing. It really breaks my heart to hear about families being broken. I am praying for you and your kiddos. I am glad to hear how you have managed to continue to progress in recovery and I really appreciate all of your insight on this forum. I am so very sorry for your hurt. I really hate porn.

11
Porn Addiction / Re: Just lost my family
« on: May 25, 2019, 01:57:06 PM »
I am a partner and the wife an a porn addict who lied for a long time. I understand how that feels and it sucks. I don't know your situation and I certainly don't know where your wife is at but one thing I do know is she is hurting too. You have children together so she will always be in your life. Start today. Be the man you want your kids to be. Be an example of what it looks like to crawl out of the darkness and walk with integrity. I am not her so I can't really say if forgiveness is an option or not but I do know that is will not be if you just sit in feeling sorry for yourself self. I am not trying to be harsh but to give you perspective. Set back and think about her perspective and what you would need had she done this to you? Start today. Make goals, small ones to start. Communicate, even if she isn't responding much I guarantee you she is listening. Read the book " Love you, Hate Porn" it is good. It will give you some insight as to a partners perspective. A lot of men don't realize that scary place a partner finds herself in. They love their husband but at the same time he is the one who is causing the hurt. He is lying and it makes their reality feel shaky and uncertain, they feel unsafe. Weather you patch it up or not you need to help her feel safe again and the very first step is honesty and recovery. Encourage her to come on here too and get support from some of the other partners. It is really hard and partners don't always have someone they feel comfortable talking to so having a place where there are other women who have been there is huge. She needs to know she is not alone.

I am truly sorry for you and your family but there is always hope if you are willing to work for it. If she does come on here let her know she can reach out to me if she wants. I am happy to encourage anyone who is hurting because I know how much it can hurt. Both of you should read partners journals and start trying to talk, if not for your relationship at least for your kids.


12
Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:37:56 AM »
So while I was reading this thread my husband came in and I shared it with him. He used to come on here as Metal22. Anyway his response I thought was good so I wanted to share it. He said one of the things he did (and I remember him talking about this during his recovery from time to time) and still tries to do is to get back to the feeling of life before technology. He tries to set a goal once a week of doing something he really enjoys that is fulfilling and gratifying that doesn't include a screen at all. We are makers and we own a business welding things for our work. He tries to make one thing that is just for him. He says it really helps him get back to who he is. He said in the early part of his reboot when he was really tempted he started doing this to get his mind to focus on something other than porn. Instead of wasting hrs in front of a screen we now have a beautiful coffee table and some really cool art! It is a story written in craft about his recovery. He gets to appreciate the labor of his recovery. I think it makes me love those things so much more. I mention this as encouragement to others. If you are struggling and feeling tempted maybe now is the time to learn a new skill. It could be a simple as learning a new instrument, drawing, running, anything. If it is helpful great!

13
Porn Addiction / Re: Objectifying Women
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:23:33 AM »
I just noticed this thread was originally from 2014. This is a great thread and I am glad it has been brought back up. Interesting and astute thoughts Rich! I agree quite a bit with your perspective! One question I have for you is this.... living in the culture we have today how would you go about trying to replicate this porn free world while navigating life today? Are there certain things you would do or say to protect the future generation from this distorted life? I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on a call to action. While I agree and appreciate your view I am always looking for different ways to put it to action, lol. You know, gotta try to make the world a better place and all, lol.

14
Porn Addiction / Re: back in the 80s
« on: May 19, 2019, 08:20:59 PM »
I think this is a great thread. We still use a VHS player!!! My kids watch all kinds of classics. Yes the 80's were pretty fantastic, being 36 myself, but there are a lot of great ways to get away from technology in today as well. We hike a bit, go on cycling day trips. We cook together and visit farmers markets. When we are sitting down to eat at a restaurant or at home we don't have our phones in that room and don't bring them out at the table. That is time to talk, laugh, and connect. Our kids are only allowed 4 hrs per week of screen access. We just increased it because of an online science class they are taking. That is enough time to take their class, watch 1 movie per week, and 1 extra hr for research on a topic of interest. That really is all they need it for anyway, right? Maybe we are just too weird and strict but I try to let them have a childhood full of life not screens. They are outside all the time, they build, play, and adventure. Those are all of my favorite parts of the 80's and I am glad to see my kids get that experience. It takes more self-control but yes it is still possible.

15
For myself I tend to see the line between habit and addiction is about your brain and dopamine. I know for my husband it may have started as a habit but at some point his brain started receiving dopamine hits from this and he defiantly crossed a line. The things he viewed were not something he wanted to view. Yes there is choice involved but at a chemical level when someone is "addicted" your brain is defiantly fighting against your choice. Now let me be clear, I am not saying this as an excuse at all. It is a battle he created, he chose to view in the first place but at some point there is a line where it goes beyond choice and that is addiction. That doesn't mean he can't choose to quit, but more that he has a lot more of a hurdle to over come. It isn't just choosing not to view porn like choosing not to wear a certain shirt or something. He has to detox the loss of dopamine that his brain is receiving. His brain will do whatever it can to continue to receive that hit of dopamine that it is dependent on. People can experience addiction with all sorts of things, try to stop eating sugar cold turkey, it is not so simple, lol. I truly believe that self control is a character trait that our culture doesn't really encourage and as a result of not teaching it in early stages of development it has made it a lot easier to become addicted to things. Sorry, side rant, lol. SO for my husband, yes he has a choice, but being aware of his addiction and equipping himself with the education of what his body and brain are doing to literally fight against him he has a better chance of success. He will be better equipped to not fall into "choosing" to watch porn. He will understand when every part of his being is craving that and he can start to recognize when his brain is trying to rationalize how "just one look won't hurt anything". He now recognized that is his brain crazing dopamine and he can do something about it.

Understanding addictions is not excusing the behavior. Accountability is still there and he is still responsible for his actions however, not being fully educated and understanding the full severity of the situation may set a person up for failure and could just add more shame which in turn creates more urge and desire to go back to the addiction. Also for an SO it helps me have a better understanding of what is happening. I know the person he is and the person he is when viewing are two very different people. He looks back on his actions and is flabbergasted by what he did and how he behaved. It helps me to be more understanding and not take everything so personally and internalize all of it. I would say this perspective has helped my recovery as much as his.

Again this is just my perspective. You certainly don't have to agree.  Whatever works for you in your recovery is great as long as your are recovering!

16
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: May 17, 2019, 07:41:39 AM »
Most SO's post their journals in the woman's section of the journal area. Its at the very bottom, lol. There are a few woman who struggle porn addiction who post their journals there as well so they are all a bit mixed but for the most part that area has partner journals.

17
I think that really depends of your views of addiction. I know my husband is almost 3 yrs porn free (next month is his official date) and he views himself as an addict for life but the difference is weather he is choosing to be recovering or not. He says he likes this because there will always be a tendency buried deep in his subconscious. He says that he has heard of several men who walked away for years only  to be right back at square one. Every time he asks them what happened he hears different versions of how they let their guard down and figured this was in the past and somehow they are back at square one. So for him he doesn't believe in "Cured" but more that he is consciously choosing to recover. No one is ever fully recovered because we are all works in progress right? We are all recovering from something, lol. I agree with this thought process because it encourages continued growth no matter who you are, how long it has been, and where you are in life. There is always room to grow.

I am sure other people share different perspectives. You just need to figure out what is the right one for you. Just like no two addicts are exactly alike no two recoveries are exactly alike either. Good luck and many blessings to you!

18
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 14, 2019, 07:59:44 PM »
Bench was 80kg, Back Squat was 120kg, Deadlift was 171kg and that was what I get the state record in for my weight category. It was really cool! Even my hubby was shocked I could pick up that much weight, lol. I am hoping to have a 400lb (181kg's ish) by the end of this year. I'm so close!

19
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: May 13, 2019, 01:19:21 PM »
Haven't posted in a while just busy with life. I did a power lifting competition and set a state record. I can honestly say I never thought I would be capable of anything like that. I love working out and lifting but I am not one of those fit looking ladies either. I am just a regular person. It was so empowering to try something, focus, train hard, and see what I am capable of. Knowing my kids are watching me, seeing me not give up and work hard, seeing me try something new even at 36! My husband was really encouraging and proud of me. It was nice to see the look in his eyes and realize that he has seen this capacity in me for years but I never saw it in myself. He has made comments from time to time just saying that he is sorry for his actions and how they have impacted me and my self confidence. It feels good to learn more of who I am and who God has designed me to be. Learning more about myself and having my husband walk along side me in this process.
Setting new goals and looking for the next adventure. Getting our passport and foreseeing some travel in our future. Overall life is good.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
« on: May 13, 2019, 01:10:56 PM »
Outside influences can make a big difference. Glad you are staying focused.

21
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: new PA partner here.....
« on: May 13, 2019, 12:57:29 PM »
I am so sorry you are going through this but I am very glad you reached out! Yes, it does hurt very much! The hurt doesn't go away overnight either. Over time with healing it does lessen though, that I can attest to. I feel like my husband and my relationship is forever changed. We can't go back but we can work to make tomorrow better. First thing is to work on you and feeling healthy and secure. His addiction is just that...his. He needs to work on that, he needs to communicate and the two of you can figure out what boundaries and communication you are comfortable with but now is time for you. I would really encourage you to figure out who you are and who you want to be. I know for myself I felt so hurt and like I wasn't enough. Well that is just a porn lie! You are enough, you are more than enough and his porn addicted brain doesn't get to determine your worth! It hurts so much but know you can get through this. Take it one breath at a time. Trust is built and that takes time as anything that is build overnight is not the quality you want in your relationship. It is ok to not trust him for a while. You can still love him and not like his behavior and not trust his words. I have learned in our relationship we had to define a new normal for us. There are parts that I love and are better than before and there are parts that are sad and will never be the same but at the end of the day I love him and we still choose to walk side by side together. It is not easy but know you are not alone.

I would encourage you to read some of the partners journals too. Feel free to comment and engage. Make a journal for yourself as well. I know it has helped me so much. If you ever want to reach out feel free to PM me as well. Again I am sorry you are hurting but I am glad you have found support. That is the first step!


22
Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Please help
« on: May 03, 2019, 07:45:14 AM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your words bring me right back to where I was those first few months. I know sometimes you feel crazy but know you are not and just keep breathing.

As far as not trusting but wanting to, I felt the same way. Overtime I have changed my thought on this. You don't have to trust him. He has broken that trust and it needs to be rebuilt. That does not happen overnight. Love him yes, but that does not mean you need to trust him. You can love someone and still want to wring their neck, LOL!!! It is ok to say "I love you, I do not like you right now, I do not trust you right now, but I love you". Just be sure you continue to communicate! I have always felt that when communication stops that is when the real separation and divide occurs. That is where your mind runs crazy and where you can give up. It is hard to continue to talk and communicate when you are so angry/hurt/mad but just keep trying. If talking is too much then write letter to each other, just keep reaching out.

As far as shemale porn, just like others have said porn warps the brain. I think they crave taboo and anything that seems naughty. Porn thrives on secret and makes you feel shame. I think my husband was actually addicted to that feeling of shame sadly. As a result he would view anything that made him feel like this is not ok and that he is not normal. That is just his brains way of finding dopamine. It is an addiction. I am pretty sure when he is years past this he will be shocked my what he used to view. This doesn't not define him and who he is, this is an addiction. He has to won it and deal with it. It is not a reflection of you or how much he loves you at all.

Hang in there and just keep breathing.

23
Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:48:34 AM »
Gerorgos, an acting class is great and encourages interaction as well but I also believe that some form of 2D or 3D art that you can also practice at home is good for using the right side of your brain more. I think considering how introspecting you are that you might find you really enjoy taking these philosophic concepts and putting imagery around them. Just a thought. Good luck to you!

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Ages 30-39 / Re: NoFap Consciousness
« on: March 26, 2019, 12:49:47 PM »
So I have just read a large part of this journal. I have to say I completely respect just how much you put into your analysis and thoughts. Quite the deep thinker and defiantly appreciated your perspective on many things. I am inclined to agree with Malando though, you gotta take a risk as well. Thinking and philosophizing is only one part of the life experience. What about feeling? I understand that individuals that are very deep thinkers tend to live in the mind more but I do believe that a balance is important. Have you considered taking an art class? That might be a good way to try? Art is very expressive and can be feeling base as well as intellectual. Taking a class also lends itself to you being around others and having the opportunity to interact, connect, and hear as well as see different perspectives of art. Just a thought. I mean this post to be encouraging and hope you receive it as such.

25
Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: March 26, 2019, 12:20:04 PM »
Life keeps moving. Recently someone my husband had received a lot of encouragement from in his early days of recovery had reached out to him again. My husband didn't give me details but just said that if felt good to encourage someone who he received so much encouragement from. He also said that it was a good wake up call to never take things for granted and get too comfortable. Even years down the road he still tried to hold the perspective of one day at a time. We both have tried to appreciate each other and our family so much more than we used to. I look back over this journey and especially in the early days there were many times I felt so hurt and wanted to call it quits but he was doing everything he could. He never gave up and seeing that and know how much I love him, well, I could give up either. I am so glad we stuck it out. I know he still gets urges and every now and then he will notice something and tell me, I can see this becoming a P-sub and I need to not go there or do that. I know that even years later he still can fall into a relapse and it isn't over but I am glad he is mindful and I am trying to be as well. Whatever happens I know I trust him to be honest with me. That feels good.

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