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Messages - malando

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Ages 30-39 / Re: A Better Tomorrow
« on: August 16, 2019, 01:32:30 PM »
Hi NS, no need to apologise for anything you said, or the length of it. It was an honest, well-expressed exposé of where you're at - and I can only commend you on your honesty and courage in examining yourself like that and writing it down. You are on the right track: becoming more and more aware of yourself and your inner workings. That's a good thing and that's what will get you to your desired destination. So thanks for sharing, man. Best wishes, M.

Porn Addiction / Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 16, 2019, 12:06:44 AM »
I know how you feel, I have never made it more than a week without fapping in my life, since I first did it when I was around 13, and now I am almost 30, I feel like it is impossible, I have tried and failed so many times that I gave up on quitting years ago, and accepted it a part of my life and lived in denial that it wasn't an addiction, thinking that it won't ruin my life if I don't fight it, but every time I try to leave it alone for a while, I fall off the wagon harder and rougher than before, I was surfing the deep web looking at highly illegal porn and masturbating to it, again and again, till it was my normal, normal hardcore stuff didn't do it for me, I wanted illegal, highly taboo and violent stuff to get off to, I can't even say the stuff I was into here because of the blow back I will get and probable legal problems I can get into, but believe me I know how you feel, I have been suicidal for years, since I was a young teen, and I have seriously planned my own death countless times, or thought about just cutting off my genitals to get rid of this curse. I relapsed twice last night within one hour after 4 days of abstaining, the trigger as I see it is fantasizing about something, as soon as my brain is thinking it, my body will follow. I try to fight it, trying to go to sleep when I feel like I may relapse, I can't think straight.
I just find it hopeless, I don't even know if there is a another side of this fight, where it will be easier or if I will have to live like this when abstaining, with muscle cramps, and temper on high alert, violent and cranky all the time, unable to sleep, unable to work or study on computer without watching porn or reading erotica or sex chatting . ever where I go I can't escape it, this is hopeless, but I will continue to fight, as long as I am alive, even if this has to become my new normal, I am rewiring my brain and it wont be easy, so I will keep doing it, no matter how much I hate myself, I will keep doing it.
You should think very carefully about this illegal stuff you're viewing. Do you think this material is actually morally wrong? If any part of you is indifferent to this material, you should seek help immediately. You should do that anyway because what you are doing could very easily take your freedom. These days, law enforcement can catch up with you when you least suspect it. Your entire life could be in the toilet if you don't get yourself away from this stuff pronto. More than that, you shouldn't let yourself think that just because you're a raging porn addict who wants ever increasing stimulation to get off, then it's acceptable to arouse yourself with material that involves the illegal exploitation of others. So let's just get this clear right now, shall we? Do not consume material like this - it's evil, it's cruel, it's exploitative. No amount of stimulation can justify supporting that industry. I'm coming down hard on you here because I think you need a serious reality check. It's not that I can't relate or sympathise with your addiction. All of us here can. But you can't be looking at that illegal shit. I think you should throw all your computer devices in the trash before you look at that again. I'm not even kidding - if you can't resist, you don't deserve to even have a computer in your life. If word gets out what you've been looking at, nobody is going to understand or be forgiving just because you are the product of porn escalation. They'll just judge what you were caught looking at. So stop that shit, okay?

Now, what changes are you actually willing to make to stop this cycle? How far are you willing to go? I think you need to take this more seriously than you have been. It's a give up at all costs scenario for you now. I'm happy to talk this through with you, but I want you to make a promise that you won't go near that dark web stuff again, ok?

Porn Addiction / Re: I Don't Know If I Can Sink Any Lower
« on: August 14, 2019, 12:58:33 AM »
Man, I'm so sorry to hear of your anguish. It's a vile beast, to be sure, but you can fight your way out of this. I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your family, but I really think your friend would understand. The thing about those "rock" friends is that they have certain attributes that make them the perfect confidants: they are loyal, non-judgemental, supportive, compassionate. I think you should trust in your friend and say something like, "man, you are the only person I trust to talk about this, but there's something I'm really struggling with and I am not coping on my own with it" and go from there. I'd be astonished if he wasn't supportive to you. He'll want to help you. He would have noticed all the anguish anyway, and he hasn't left yet. Why would he leave just because he finally found out the reason? You need to have some faith and confide in somebody so you can get some support - and somebody you can call in your hour of need. Please think this over because I sense from your post today that isolation is really hurting you. Don't lose hope! Best wishes, M.

Ages 30-39 / Re: A Better Tomorrow
« on: August 12, 2019, 06:58:37 AM »
I'm sorry to hear that, NS. And yes, we all know the feeling of relapse. I understand the devastation. You'll have to give it a day or two for that feeling of anger and remorse to dissipate. But it will. So just make sure you don't relapse again - it's really easy to do when you've been doing really well and you feel like you've let yourself down in a big way. In can activate a quitter's reflex (you want to quit quitting porn), and cause you to act out in protest and frustration. I don't think you're thinking that way now, but be on guard for that type of cascade of thoughts. It can lead you down the same rabbit hole as the one the magazine lead you down.

You have learned a valuable lesson from this. It will strengthen your resolve once you are through this feeling crisis. You'll know to avoid that trigger next time, and anything that resembles it. For now, you just have to ride out the feelings of frustration, let it go somehow, and recommit to your goal. I think you can do it. Best wishes, M.

Porn Addiction / Re: Disturbed by choice of material
« on: August 07, 2019, 02:31:25 PM »
I would say that it's pretty common for people to end up disturbed by what they have been watching to arouse themselves. For most, in their non-aroused, non-seeking state, they wouldn't find such things ok at all, but when they are in that obsessive, maniacal state where they are seeking maximum arousal, their inhibitions vanish and they are willing to look at completely abhorrent material to get to their end result. They might find that only seconds after they "finish", they are quickly jolted back to reality with feelings of disgust, self-loathing and remorse. This goes to show how porn can mess with our minds and take us away from the person we want to be and the values we want to uphold. The danger is that the disgust we feel about ourselves can lead to a lowering of self-esteem which actually leads to the next relapse. People often make deals with themselves based on what standards they feel they are reaching - or not reaching. Somebody who decides they are a failure will often use that as a justification to keep failing - so they relapse again and again, and use the resulting feeling of failure as confirmation of what they think they are - rather than something that is unacceptable and changeworthy. Somebody who is determined to succeed will not feed this cycle - even when they relapse. They will use that failure moment to redouble their commitment to their goal. As with all things - it's all a matter of perspective. Some people need some serious help with their self-esteem before they can hope to defeat this addiction.

Ages 30-39 / Re: Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
« on: August 06, 2019, 01:45:02 AM »
Good luck, GG. We are here to support you.

I know it's typical for people who respond to such honest confessions to give the proverbial pat on the back and give some encouragement. But I'm going to have to take a different position. I can deal with everything you wrote except one thing - going to see prostitutes. Are you freaking kidding me, man?! You're in a good place in your relationship apart from the fact that you're seeing hookers behind her back? If you want to confess your failings, that's fine, we've all done that, but don't be kidding yourself. Your relationship with your wife is on a knife's edge. If she knows what you're doing, she probably kicks you to the curb. So whilst you can compartmentalise this as a disorder you are experiencing in isolation from your wife, I can assure you that your wife would not be able to compartmentalise it in the same way. To her it would represent a catastrophic failure in your relationship. You are breaking your vows to her. You are not being honest with her. You are breaking your communication with her. You are exposing her to the risk of sexually transmitted infections - possibly even fatal ones like HIV and Hepatitis. So, when you read that, do you still think your relationship is on solid ground and that if you can just get hold of your sexual mania, you and your marriage will be fine? I really hope not, because people with this level of self-delusion don't tend to solve problems as large as this.

Your temptation will be to get angry at what I'm writing here - it's happened before when I've called people out on stunning hypocrisy. You should resist the temptation to dismiss what I'm saying just because it makes you angry. I'm saying this because I think it's more helpful to you than being all "hey, that's too bad, keep trying". You need harsh truths to pull out of this. Don't be in denial. This is an emergency for you and your marriage. You need to hit this with everything you've got. And maybe even telling her about your problem is part of that. Many men think they can hide it or fix it quietly, but that almost never happens. You probably think she has had no effects from your behaviour because she doesn't know about your problem, but trust me man, she is worried about you and what's happening to your relationship. Even if she's seeming fine, she's probably hiding her concerns because she can't quite give a voice to them. She will have noticed a decline in intimacy, a change in the way you relate, a change in your connection with her. It's only a matter of time before this blows wide open. You might want to consider getting out ahead of this and confessing before she finds out through other means.

I'm going hard on you here, I know that, but its only because I am concerned for your situation and the danger you are putting yourself, your marriage and your wife in. Give it some thought. I'll support you if you want a brutally honest voice.

It's quite galling to see how these pseudoscientists operate. One can only hope that they will go the way of the climate-change deniers as the evidence mounts on this issue. They will end up looking like Donald Trumps in the fullness of time. Not that there's not enough evidence already, but we will have to wait for enough people to have been affected so that the tipping point is reached where the public consciousness (and the mass media's reporting) tilts on the issue as a whole. I suspect it's a way off yet, but thank god there are fierce minds attacking the issue with integrity like Gary Wilson.

Thank-you Gary, for your tireless efforts. You are changing the world, one article at a time - even though it must feel like a thankless task sometimes.

Hey man, don't lose hope. The fact that you feel so down about this reflects that you do have morals and ethics - just that you are not using a successful strategy to stick to them. The more you think things through and reflect on where you want to be in, say, 1, 2, 5, 10 years time, the more the right answers will come to you. Having a child is a big motivator. Even though you have relapsed since your son was born, it's not too late. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - so to speak! He doesn't consciously know you yet. Make sure that by the time he's walking and talking, you have conquered this addiction. Then you can throw all your energies into building memories and bonding with him. There will be bumps along the way, but make sure your overall momentum is continuous. Best of luck man, and congrats on becoming dad. It happened for me 4 years ago and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Really helped to straighten me out.

Porn Addiction / Re: Are friends causing me to relapse?
« on: July 26, 2019, 10:05:52 AM »
I think you're thinking the right way. People do outgrow relationships. When things change for one person, the relationship has to evolve, or it withers. I would suggest that you talk to them and explain how you're feeling. It can't be that you're spending you're life propping up a friendship to suit their wishes. What about them making an effort to change things for your benefit?

So for friend number one, I'd sit him down and express how you feel about his reluctance to do things and meet up with you. Tell him you don't feel supported by him, and that it's a constant grind having him shoot everything down. Explain that you need things to change for you to keep going with the friendship. Be honest and say that you're ready to walk if he's not into it.

Same for friend number two, really. You have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him what you're finding hard to accept, and more importantly, what you would like your friendship to be like. Maybe he has reasons for what he does that need a spotlight shone on them for his own good too. If you need him to raise his tone around jokes and commentary on women, then just go for it. It's part of your recovery - holding yourself (and others indirectly) to higher standards.

If either or both of them scoff at your requests and blow it off, you really have your answer about them. You'll know that it's a waste of energy putting any more time into these friendships. But I wouldn't drop them without trying to talk with them. They might surprise you. Maybe they want things to change too. Just make sure they are committed to a healthy friendship with you. Sometimes having poor company is more lonely than just being alone.

Excellent post, PH! Very thorough, we'll considered, and totally true. With that attitude, you will succeed. Thanks for your contribution.

Ages 30-39 / Re: My Journal (Arkray)
« on: July 22, 2019, 01:28:17 AM »
Yep, it's the battle of a lifetime! Just don't give up trying to find ways to turn your mind away from porn and onto good life-affirming things. The more I reflect on this battle, the more i'm convinced that the best form of defence is attack - by that I mean go and put together a satisfying and diverse lifestyle so that there is no longer any room for porn in your life. Don't sit in a room with computer and grit your teeth, chanting, "no, don't do it!". That will lead to failure. That would be my advice.

Porn Addiction / Re: Attraction to active shemales
« on: July 14, 2019, 07:23:40 PM »
I agree with what DoneAtLast posted. And I'll add that you sound like you're in a state of sexual mania/obsession. I have no doubt that you are still actively using porn when I read your words. So before you worry about these life-altering decisions regarding your life, relationships and your geography, the first thing you need to do is get off porn. Do it in any way you can. Block your devices, get rid of your devices. Any way you can stay away from porn. I think you are experiencing obsessive compulsive symptoms around sex, and your fetishes in particular. So first you need to de-escalate this obsession in your brain. Get rid of the porn and focus on other areas in your life. I know this is easier said than done - with your depression problem, you are no doubt medicating yourself with porn and sexual thinking. But this problem is also fuelling your depression. So you are going to have to detox from hypersexuality in order to work out where you stand on your sexuality and your level of depression. I think you will need some psychological support to do this - so do seek that out. You need to make sure you're not alone in dealing with this. Use this forum as a supportive resource too - but most of all, start making changes! The way you're living is not compatible with well-being. It's time to make some changes.

Ages 30-39 / Re: 35 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« on: July 14, 2019, 07:11:44 PM »
Friend: quiet. Pornography is not as bad as you think. It is true that in excess you can cause problems, but they are reversible in a matter of months.
Remove the idea from the head that the problem has been pornography.
What happens is that you have developed anxiety with the issue of pornography and that is what is affecting you.

All the men on the planet see pornography and a lot. Or at least, we've seen it, which means you should forget that your problem is porn.

You have another problem that can be cured successfully from professional help.

I imagine that in your country there should be good doctors and specialists.

I'm really questioning your attitude given your recent postings. How much thought and research have you really invested in this problem? Please do some more research before posting such flippant advice. Frankly, your advice is an embarrassment. Expect your posts to be edited or deleted if you continue in this manner. This site is intended for people who have realised that porn is not a good thing and how to quit and leave it behind permanently.

start looking for someone and as you gain experience you can improve. It does not have to be a girlfriend necessarily. You can go testing with sex workers. It is much better because you will have less fear and psychological pressure.

As more I read your case, but it gives me the idea that your problem is lack of sexual experience. To you, porn is not what has hurt you, but rather the lack of physical contact with a real woman.

Don't do this! It's appalling advice. Sex workers do not provide a natural or supportive environment for getting over sexual anxiety. The only things that will help are situations that make you feel emotionally secure. That means you have to develop your confidence with a real person who gives you feedback that they are happy to be there with you - not somebody who is jaded with sex and has devalued it to a mechanical transaction that disgusts them at heart.

Did I mention, BAD IDEA?

Ages 30-39 / Re: facing my worst fears
« on: July 09, 2019, 05:01:38 PM »
Hi guys. Don't want to seem rude, but I'm here not with my personal matter... well it's personal, but it doesn't involve me per se. I've a son Brian (14) and recently cought him doing... well you know what I'm talking about (I never knock on the door - stupid habit). The matter is not what he was doin'g, it's totally normal for his age. Obviously he ran out the room all humiliated, I didn't even have time to calm him down. Anyway, the reason I'm writing here is what I saw on the screen of his computer... Well it wasn't porn, it wasn't even naked or barely dressed women... It was a catalog of sports wear with girls his age or even youger. Isn't a boy his age supposed to be attracted to older women?

Actually it's more normal for young adolescents to be attractive to people their own age. Older women are intimidating and confusing to boys. I wouldn't be concerned about that aspect of what you found - only that he might be in the embryonic stages of developing a porn interest. I would be putting my energies into how you can educate him on the risks and perils of becoming a porn user.

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 09, 2019, 04:57:07 PM »
Pete, I think it's highly debatable that such material can be bad for kids, but somehow suitable for mature adults. I doubt that it is - everything we take in is altering our thinking. The more of this anti-social dreck we stick into our minds, the more we become proponents of it in one way or another. The mind tends towards that which it focusses on. Even people who claim. "oh, I maintain my rage/shock/opposition to what I'm hearing here, I'm just interested in the social commentary of it", they are still directing their minds toward dark matters and off other matters which have a more life-affirming effect. It's not going to promote anything good within the person - no matter how much of a fan they are. There's an analogy with porn in there, I think. Things accepted by the mainstream as acceptable or at least go unchallenged, yet the longterm effects are completely unresearched. Both given permission to exist by the freedom-of-expression/free-speech mantra.

I tend to agree, Bananasplit. This is not something to just chip around the edges at. This is a personal crisis that needs some serious commitment to set right. It's great that he's here seeking help, but I don't think he should be sounding certain and foreclosed about any aspect of his sexuality. He must be open-minded to challenging every assumption he has. He clearly has a moral compass, but he's found ways to evade it. I think getting in touch with the basic do's and don't of life is very important at this juncture. I do sympathise for what he's going through - it must be hell being so confused and messed up around sex. I got pretty bent out of shape myself, but I think he's on a different level with some of the things he mentioned. Nevertheless, the process is still the same: you must take stock of everything and reorient yourself with what is decent, healthy, moral, positive and life-affirming. It's the only way out of this shit.

Porn Addiction / Re: Great presentation by Gary Wilson
« on: July 06, 2019, 02:57:56 PM »
Of course I'm depressed, I''m 35 and I've never even shared any intimate moment with a female - extremely soul shattering.

Yeah, of course psychologically I'm affected now, but I would say PIED is more of a problem.

I don't think I have prediabetes, I eat healthy foods, do exercise and maintain a healthy weight - and this has been happening for the last 15 years or so.

Your use of language is interesting: twice your response was "of course". Why do you think you attach those devices to your sentences? Let's have a look at that without "of course":

"I'm depressed, I''m 35 and I've never even shared any intimate moment with a female - extremely soul shattering."

"Psychologically I'm affected now, but I would say PIED is more of a problem."

I think these statements suddenly sound more open-minded to investigation when "of course" is omitted. There is a certain level of arrogance attached to those two little words - like, "Don't tell me about my life! Don't you think I've already thought of everything you said? I've already evaluated all that and determined that unrelated to my situation, or useless as a line of enquiry."

In my opinion, this attitude is bad for you. For somebody who is in the dark about what's happening and what to do, you can't really be shutting down any line of enquiry because you might be shutting down the wrong one. I have my doubts whether what you describe is classic PIED because you are saying that it has been there for 15 years (actually pre-dating the high speed internet age, which is unusual for PIED in itself) and is completely unresponsive to the giving up PMO. Rather than concluding maybe this isn't PIED at all, you are concluding that it is, but that some people just can't recover from PIED. Do you not see any problem with this logic?

I think your case might be a tricky one because it's composed of more than a single culprit. There might be 3 or 4 things that are contributing to your symptoms and all of them need to be treated simultaneously.


1) You didn't answer my question about anti-depressants. They are erection killers. I'm not saying you should just bin them if you're taking them - only that they may be contributing to your condition.

2) Maybe there is a physical issue that hasn't been uncovered. You can't exclude something like diabetes at any age - even if you are living an exemplary life. It's genetic for some people. Substantial weight gain around the middle is associated with diabetes. You would need to have a glucose tolerance test to exclude this. Also insulin levels can be tested.

3) Depression can change physical responses. Maybe sex as a whole is so laden with negative thoughts and feelings, your brain doesn't want to engage with it fully any more. If that were the case, you probably wouldn't experience improvements around sex unless you had a substantial improvement in your anxiety and depression levels.

4) Social skills with women. Probably stands to reason that if you feel useless with this, it will have a negative affect on your brain's response to sex. If it feels there is no prospect, it will down-regulate the sexual response. Healthy sexual response involves lots of parts of your brain lighting up together. I suspect you are trying to get your sexual response from very little arousal in your brain as a whole. Even for a fantasy during masturbation, the ability to imagine a scenario requires a well functioning brain to pull together a simulation of sex. Maybe years of avoiding women has dulled important parts of your brain that are crucial to sexual response. How would you even know how much of a factor this is unless you had experienced intimacy with a woman? I'd say you definitely need to spend more time relating to women and enjoying their company - allow them to impact your brain in a positive way. At the moment, women probably represent anxiety and depression more than anything. You will need to ease into this, but I suspect this is a huge component of what you need to work on. Anticipation of pleasure with a woman is paramount to your sexual functioning - and it's part of what initiates dopamine. I can tell you, it's different to the porn response. It feels different in the brain. A much more complete and multi-dimensional experience. Even though as addicts we trained our brains to exchange sex for PMO, they are still different in nature. I think this is why you can exhaust your brain's response to porn, but not to actual sex.

5) PIED. There still might be some of this going on, but I don't think it's all that's going on.

6) There are studied links between dopamine and anxiety. Anxiety affects dopamine and dopamine affects anxiety levels. There may be an interplay between your history of porn abuse and your anxiety/depression, which then feeds back into your brains response to dopamine. This is speculation of course, but it stands to reason that any time you spend being anxious is extended such a problem. If I were you, I'd be doing all I can to reduce anxiety levels. Meditation is a skill that is proven to affect this - it can remodulate the brain and restore neurotransmitters to healthier levels. The only problem is that most people with severe anxiety usually struggle to concentrate well enough to do it well. Still, might be worth introducing it to your health program and try to extend the session time gradually until your brain has a high degree of mastery over anxiety and rampant overthinking.

I can't say which of these apply to you or to what extent - I'm just throwing them out there for you to consider because I really want to help you in some way. But I think you need to start thinking of yourself as a complex whole in which multiple streams of improvement are necessary. It's certainly better than putting all your eggs in one basket and having them fail one at a time. If you've tried one at a time, you need to try all at once. And don't assume anything. Assumptions from the past can be very misleading. Try to eliminate "of course" and other such weasel words from your enquiries. They don't help you keep an open mind.

Anyway, have a think about it. Try not to shut it down prematurely. Even if it sounds irritating at first! Good luck, mate. I'm here for you if you want to discuss anything.

Ages 30-39 / Re: A Voice from the Dark....
« on: July 06, 2019, 03:47:46 AM »
  I always give myself a few preparation days, to get ready for attempted a no-PMO streak.  So, tomorrow it begins.

When I read that, I take that to mean "I'm going to PMO furiously until the last possible moment".

IMO, this is a bad strategy. It's part of a "negotiation" fallacy that addicts engage with. It's like saying, "I love you so much, but I know you're bad for me - so I'm going to shag you half to death until midnight tomorrow, then I'm going to try not to call you for a while". If you think that way, you will return to what you love. You have to get off that particular love train and stay off it.

Porn Addiction / Re: Great presentation by Gary Wilson
« on: July 05, 2019, 02:13:19 PM »
Regarding the fat thing: It's probably just middle age, man. It gets to most of us. Fat gets harder to shift. You might be type 2 diabetic, or pre-diabetic too. That can have big implications for your health and body composition. You might want to have a blood glucose tolerance test if you haven't already. If you've only done fasting tests, you would have no indication of this. But if your body is becoming resistant to insulin, your body will up-regulate insulin production and this makes it near impossible to lose weight, and can make gaining weight very easy. You should be on a "ketogenic" style diet if that's the case. In fact, you should be on that anyway if you want to lose body fat. Carbs are your enemy in a situation like yours.

I suspect the sexual component of your problem is largely a psychological one. You identify as profoundly depressed - that has huge implications for anything with a psychological component - which sexual arousal certainly does. Are you on antidepressants? They can nuke sexdrive on their own - I remember that when I tried them for a short time 20 years ago. Terrible things - for me anyway.

Porn Addiction / Re: I feel trapped
« on: July 05, 2019, 03:47:11 AM »
Get rid of Twitter. Don't kid yourself that you need it for "news". It's an appalling vehicle for actual news. It's gimmickry at its finest. Don't forget who you're talking to here: we all know how the brain makes excuses for things when it doesn't want to give something up.

Delete Twitter. You don't need it.

Porn Addiction / Re: Great presentation by Gary Wilson
« on: July 04, 2019, 03:35:55 PM »
So did you get your testosterone level checked recently? You really must confirm/refute your theory rather than just suspecting/fearing it. Even if you had it checked 2 years ago, you still need to check it again if you think something has changed. Maybe have all your hormones checked, including prolactin.

I think you are right  regarding the down-regulation of desire when you are living completely sexless. I think the body reacts to your disinterest by becoming less switched on/less ready for action, so to speak. This was my experience too. People like us who need to stay away from porn really have to either accept this, or get into a relationship so that sexuality has a natural and positive outlet. Being a career masturbator with a porn problem really only points in one direction - and that's eventual relapse.

Women / Re: Its a process...I guess.
« on: July 02, 2019, 07:14:37 PM »
Thanks for sharing that, Aquarius. Very touching. I think it's healthy too. I am very open with my emotions with my daughter too. Sometimes I well up when I just tell my daughter I love her. She does the same. It's not sad though - it's just appreciation for each other. I'm sorry about your pet. I know I'll be a blubbering mess when my dog finally leaves us. I try to appreciate him every day too.

Partners of Rebooters and Addicts / Re: Justified or not?
« on: July 02, 2019, 07:11:43 PM »
That's a great response, A25. Very insightful.

Redfire, I think, like it or not, what your ex is doing now isn't your business. She has drawn a line between the past when you were married and the present, in which she has control over her actions and decisions - which of course does contain her reaction to what happened in your marriage, but who's to say that she should or shouldn't do anything?

She may be playing out some additional sexual issues that precede your relationship with her, but were reawakened by your porn addiction. We can never fully know the full extent of a person's inner emotional landscape. Even though I'm in a happy, functional relationship with my significant other, I'm quite aware that I have emotional damage which I'm choosing to set aside so I can be happy and be in the present. However, I know that if my partner were ever unfaithful to me, my old damage would explode like a powder keg and I wouldn't handle it well at all. It's a certain level of self-knowledge that I have, whilst at the same time recognising that I can't work through that whilst being in a relationship - and if I can remain happy and productive with my partner, there's no real need to unpack it. What I do have to do is make sure I stay clean, present minded with her, and don't play out any subconscious games or dramas with her. To some extent, I think we are all playing this game when we're in relationships. We all come with baggage, and we all try to adapt to the present through what we've been through in the past.

I think it's good that you've reflected a lot on what your porn addiction did to your marriage, but I think you also need to be careful not to obsess over what your ex is doing now. It's probably better to not find out anything about her life anymore. Just focus on your joint responsibilities as parents. I would certainly caution you against being a sounding board or confidant for her current sexual relationships. That will be disastrous to your state of mind and the relationship you need to maintain with her for the good of your kids.  If you are nursing hopes of a reconciliation, don't. If that did happen somehow in the future, that's one thing, but you won't steer it there by thinking about it. But in reality, she is probably done with your relationship, and you probably are too now that you know what's happening with her. Better to call that chapter to a close and try to rebuild your life. Look forward to what you might have in the future.

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