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Messages - anewme

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1
Ages 30-39 / Re: Trying Again
« on: October 25, 2016, 04:05:52 AM »
This is only day 2 and I already feel like I am on the bring of a relapse. I am sitting here looking at the screen, close to clicking onto something else. I know these first few days will be hard. If i can just keep myself away from it for the rest of today I should be fine for a while as I go away for a few weeks and will be busy. Then when I return home we are moving decorating a new house so for the next 6-8 weeks i will be really busy.

I need to ficus, get passed today and things should be fine,

Day 2

2
Ages 30-39 / Trying Again
« on: October 24, 2016, 06:43:49 AM »
Hi I am starting a new topic. I have been on here before and I went 22 days with no porn or masturbation. After that I collapsed and I have pretty much been back doing it as much as I wanted ever since. My last day of my last run was 6th May so since then I have been watching porn and indulging in cyber sex. I am also now married.
Things were not too bad most of the time because I was busy so porn was only an issue when I had access to it, but recently I have had as much access as I want and it has again began to effect things in the bedroom with my now wife. It is starting to take much much longer to get aroused and its getting more difficult to maintain an erection, last night was the worst performance I have had in months, which has led me back here.

I have also been spending hours and hours on porn and cybersex when I have been saying that I was working, this has led me to show less interest in my family, made me irritable and made sex with my wife less and less frequent.

I am back here to try once more to cut this out but I just don't see how I can manage it. last time I went 22 days which was a record for me, after that I stopped writing here, i gave up totally. This time my goal is to get passed what i did last time.

Hope to hear some replies from you, I need to get my counter back up on here again.

Today is Day 1.

3
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: May 06, 2016, 04:49:18 AM »
Day 22

I had morning wood today. My mind has been wandering a lot recently, thinking more vividly after my near relapse a few days ago. So ive reached three weeks with no P and M. Very new territory for me.

4
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: May 04, 2016, 10:58:46 AM »
Day 20

I almost had a relapse today. I dont know what caused it. I contacted one of the women i used to talk to on social media, i think my intention was cyber sex. Thankfully she knew why i had contacted her and wasnt interested. off that gave me a chance to think about what i was doing, come back to the forum, remember about the dopamine and put a stop to those thoughts. When the urge comes, it comes with such a surge that nothing else seems to matter. Everything else in my life became secondary to that impulse. This is difficult, but i think i got through this one.....just.

5
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: May 02, 2016, 10:11:41 AM »
Day 18

Recent days have been busy with almost no thoughrs of p at all. There are about 2 women at my work who i hardly ever see. My mind has not wandered far. This is the lingest time in my life i have went without thinking about women or sex. Im not sure how i feel about it. Its kind if like a big part of ny life has left me.

6
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: May 01, 2016, 05:25:09 AM »
Day 17


I have not posted on here for a few days because i am busy with work. I feel a bit like my penis is redundant. Im away with work and im not PMOing and only have erections when i wake up in the middle of the night. My mind has been clean this whole time, im just wondering if this sounds like flatline as ive never had it before. I am a bit worried about my loss of appetite to think about sexual things. I am away from home so have not been seeing my gf. Im worrying that my drive wont return before i see her. How long does a flatline last anyone?

7
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 28, 2016, 01:54:58 PM »
Day 14

It has been a busy day, coming to work in another country. There were a lot of women around, and i did my fair share of looking, and did not try to stop myself enough. I did not have any urge to look at P or do anything related to that, but I do have urges and thoughts when I see women, struggling to dampen those thoughts down. It will now be 3 weeks with no O. In the last 14 days I have done this several times but only with my gf. There has been absolutely no P or M. I actually feel like my urges get weaker the less attention i give them, so that fact alone tells me what my best course of action is when they arise.

2 weeks down.

8
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 27, 2016, 03:20:15 PM »
Day 13

Probably the hardest day so far. I was in a big city today and seen a lot of triggers (hot women). I was also alone in a hotel, a time which normally means only 1 thing for me. I also has some flashbacks and thoughts about some of the porn i used to watch, and some of the cyber sex I used to have. These thoughts did not have the effect on me that they have previously, and I did not go further than that.




9
Ages 30-39 / Re: Reboot - My Journal
« on: April 27, 2016, 03:58:20 AM »
Amart 170,

Now your challenge is to go longer than 25 days next time. Just look at it that way.

Don't feel like you "failed" and that there is no point going on, on the contrary, you have done an excellent job and it should prove as motivation to show that you can do it.

I just wonder what led up to the relapse? It might be a good idea to really analyse your emotions, state of mind and try to figure out what you were thinking and feeling at the exact moment you decided to "do it". This may help you to recognise when these moments are coming again in the future and you might be able to remove yourself from temptation if you recognise the emotional triggers.

Well done on the 25 days, this is not a step back, but a necessary "rest break" on the road to success, dust yourself off and keep going. 

10
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 27, 2016, 03:48:17 AM »
Thanks for the reply offaxis,

I am going to try to thing about the person more than the shell they are in more, and i will definitely try the eye contact thing.

Yesterday was day 12

Yesterday I had a few light urges, I was on my own, and there was a moment when I had nothing to do, it was almost instinctive for my brain to start thinking about porn, but I managed to divert my attention quickly to something else.

I think I am in the flatline. What I have noticed since stopping watching porn is that, at the moment, nothing seems to be exciting me sexually, nothing is giving me that buzz. Except during the night, or having sex with my gf, I have had no erections at all, which is extremely rare for me because normally Im having them every day several times to porn. I can see that normal things in every day life has stopped exciting me sexually and that this down time from porn is completely necessary to go back to being stimulated by the things that I should be stimulated by, eg, real people, and the touch of a real woman. It almost feels at the moment like, I was more turned on by real women while I was watching the porn, because at the moment i feel sort of uninterested. I mean, if my gf wants sex, we can have it, but my interest level is lower than I have ever known it, and I can only attribute this to the flatline that I have heard so much about, but don't fully understand.

I am now away to work for 3 weeks so I have that time to lay off PMO completely and see how things are when I return.

 

11
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 25, 2016, 03:28:56 PM »
Yeah definately energy levels feel way up, sort of feel like im buzzing lol.

Day 11

Was watching a video on youtube today, in the background was a woman with a short pink dress on, I then noticed that I was totally in a trance watching her, it was the first time i felt any sort of..........i dont know the right word.......stimulation.......it didnt make me want to go to watch porn, I just wanted to keep watching her, thats when i knew I had to stop the video and do something else, which i did. Since then the day was relatively event free, same as usual recently, so much more productive, getting so much more done in a day than i used to in 3 or 4, i feel like I am getting my life back.

12
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 25, 2016, 02:13:51 AM »
Yesterday was Day 10

Another fine day. I don't know if it is connected or not, but I work out at the gym and I record everything I do and try to build strength. I had been stuck for quite a few weeks but last week each day I went to the gym my strength seemed to take a jump from what it had been before. The last 2 nights I have been walking around the house singing and whistling very late on and my gf is asking me why I am not coming to bed, I just didnt realise the time and I was busy doing things, extra energy.

I used to plan my days, thinking about what windows I had to look at porn and porn subs, over the last 10 days I have been able to use those windows for paying attention t my family, and doing jobs around the house, DIY things that have been needing done for ages etc. It almost feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, like I don't "have to" find time each day to obsess over sex.

I never used to be able to see a trigger, then turn my attention away from it immediately, but I am able to do that recently. Thanks for the responses. It is very encouraging to see and to know that there are people going through exactly the same thing as myself.

13
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 23, 2016, 04:01:13 PM »
Day 9

I had a few P flashbacks today when driving. I was feeling good today also, which I recognised as danger time, sometimes that makes me complacent. I had a slight urge to watch P during the flashbacks but obviously I didn't do it. I made love with my gf this evening. I thought that since I had not taken part in any P or M in 8 days that I would be extremely in the mood and "ready" immediately. This wasn't the case, i took me a bit of time to get there, but when I did all was good, and I could have went for as long as I wanted, which is not usually the case with me. Maybe I am flat lining, because I assumed that I would have huge urges for everything sexual as I usually do If i do not take part in any O for a week or so, but this time it feels different. I feel like I could lose interest in it for a month, but clearly I can't do that or questions will be raised.

Anyway, onward and upward. I was just talking to my gf there about how things have been really good between us this week, she agreed, she actually said to me that this week i was "the guy she fell in love with" , which just goes to prove all the issues we were having were stemming from the lack of attention I was giving everyone around me. I feel like I have woken up. My goal is to never watch P or M to anything unwholesome again.

14
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 23, 2016, 03:38:39 AM »
ATWANTtoStop, offaxis,

Thank you both for your replies, advice, support and kind words.
This group is truly the difference between success and failure for me so far.
I take on board everything that was shared here and will endeavour to put this advice into practice.

Yesterday was day 8 for me and this is day 9. I have been on courses for work the past few days and except from getting my head turned from some pretty girls and the odd day dream back to P scenes, everything has been quite good. My relationship with my gf this last week has been really good. I have had so much time for her and i've been in a better mood all together. I can see she appreciates this in the way she has responded to me. This just goes to prove that most of the irritations in our relationship were stemming from me being distracted by P and P subs and her feeling neglected, which she definitely was being.

Offaxis,

It is not that she doesn't know about the issue. She knows about it because one time in the past I explained to her that I watched P and sometimes I watched it too much. I think i explained this to her after I had trouble "performing" one night. I told her that I was dealing with it and her response was that I should deal with it, but I don't think she wanted to be actively involved in the process. Since then, as described in earlier posts, I have been managing the issue of performance by abstaining from orgasm for several days to a week while still watching P and P subs, this largely kept performance at a level where no questions were being asked (not that it was at a level that it should be). What I am getting at is that I could tell her, but i don;t get the impression she wants to be burdened with it, she will most likely tell me that it is good what I am doing, and get it under control, but if she finds out about some of the other areas that this has led to, she will be crushed, and she will quite rightly, walk away, there is no doubt about that.

So far on this journey things have been positive and I have had no strong urges to relapse. Hopefully it continues. 

15
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 21, 2016, 02:13:47 PM »
Day 7

Has been another day the same as usual of late. No urges to watch P, but still having the odd thought about P and finding it difficult not to look at triggers in the street. Apart from that things are going pretty well. No more strange dreams, still no morning wood, although i'm not too concerned about it. This must be the longest i've gone as far as I can remember without stimulating myself in some way sexually and the good thing is I have not felt a strong urge at all to do so. Hope it continues. 1 week down.

16
Ages 30-39 / Re: The long haul
« on: April 21, 2016, 10:16:49 AM »
"My breaking point came when I was watching a movie in the basement and my wife was taking care of our two young boys at the time (that scenario should have been a red flag in itself!).  The boys were crying and screaming and the only thing I could think about what why the F*ck can she make them stop"


This statement struck a few cords with me. There have been many times where I have been absolutely glued to my laptop or phone when I have been watching porn or having cyber sex with someone. My gf has been running around the house, cleaning, cooking, doing this , doing that and I am sitting on my ass doing something like that. She thinks I am studying, because I do study from home, but not as much as she thinks i do. So when she looks to me for help, I always jump behind the excuse that I have an important assignment coming up. Even saying this now makes me feel so much shame. I have buried a lot of the terrible things I have done such as this because it was too hard to face them. Now I am facing them and using it as constant motivation to stay away from the behaviours that led me her.

This site is a huge help and a constant reminder of the destruction and pain this addiction can cause.
Good luck.

17
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 20, 2016, 03:24:06 PM »
Day 6

I felt better within myself today, less disgusted in myself and I was vastly more productive than usual. I had a much better time with my family too. My attention is all on them, i'm not distracted or trying to find excuses to hide behind my laptop to do the things I usually would do.

I did notice some triggers and urges today. I was formatting an old hard drive from an old laptop and I found my old browser favourite pages. i read the titles, i almost automatically clicked on them but i hesitated and then i deleted it. I also had to enter an old email address that I used for purposes other than that which are wholesome. I had to do what i needed to do in there and then get the hell out, which I succeeded in doing.

I think that because my mood is better today, my libido is more active too. it was another warm day and the same old things were happening, being out in public and seeing the women wearing less and less each day. I need to learn how to drown those things out. I have become so accustomed to only thinking about sex that it is just automatic.

i like how these last few days have been. Im getting things done, being productive, i've been less irritable too. I think im in a danger zone now because the better i feel the more likely I am to tell myself that I was never really an addict and that I will be ok to go back to it but just do it less often....i've been here before, so not this time. his time im sticking with it.

Almost a week in now.

18
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 20, 2016, 02:23:15 AM »
Thanks for the reply.

I have K9 and it has helped. The ads I am referring to was my own fault really because I had to disable the ad block and some aspects of K9 to view a streaming site I use when me and my gf watch movies in bed at night, but obviously I am not going to PMO infront of her so that isnt such a big issue. I might just stick to netflix from now on though!!

Last night I had a strange experience. I woke up at around 2 or 3 am feeling extremely erect....I had been having porn based dreams and I could feel as I was waking up that I had the urge to sort of grind myself against the bed. I quickly realised what was happening and then stopped it. I realised that it must be my subconscious minds way of trying to get its fix. The rest of the night I couldn't sleep. This was very strange for me and it proves beyond doubt this this is deeply embedded in my mind.

Today is day 6.
I can't remember the last time I went one week without viiewing P or P subs or thinking as cleanly as I have this week.

19
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 19, 2016, 03:22:57 PM »
Day 5

Today was much like yesterday. I have had no urges to go online and look at porn or go to chat sites / dating sites. I still feel quite disgusted with myself for my behaviour, but I am vigilant about hat feeling slowly going away, because I think it will, and when it does, i think that will be the danger time for me. I was out in town today and the weather was better, so there were inevitably less clothes on show, which made me look a bit more than I would have liked. That seems to be a pretty big trigger for me. I also remember when I used to look at websites that had ads with hot women on them, Id stare at the add, then after a few seconds id open a new window and go straight to my favourite porn site. I've been aware of these ads recently and have managed to totally ignore them. I'm only on day 5 and so far, so good. I am being much more productive and getting things done. I feel fine and just waiting to see how much more difficult things get in the coming days and weeks, as I am sure they will. One thing I want to see happen is the return of morning wood. This hasn't happened as yet but it will be a milestone of sorts when it does.

20
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 18, 2016, 01:35:04 PM »
Day 4

I have not had any urges to look at P or M, but I spent quite a long time outside today and I seen lots of things that I now regard as triggers. I seen lots of women basically and I noticed myself breaking my neck to check them out and checking my rear view mirror to see if I could see how their asses looked. I knew I was doing these things and could stop myself a few times but not every time. This would definately been a trigger for me but since I know what I am trying to do, I did not do anything about it, but I would prefer these things not to have that kind of effect on me. Of Course I understand that I am a red blooded male so I am going to have these urges, but I need to accept them and give them less attention.

I think I understand what brain fog is now. I have been feeling like that for a few days. I have also felt more low than normal. I am not sure if this is due to a lack of P and P subs or if it is just how bad i feel about myself after coming to terms with the fact that I have this addiction and I am finally facing it.

Anyway, I have no motivation or urges to look at P or M so long may that continue. 


21
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 17, 2016, 01:50:27 PM »
Thanks for the reply.

I am currently just trying to figure out exactly what my triggers are then once I identify them I will come up with a plan for avoiding / dealing with them.

Celibacy is not a priority for me, it is the opposite, I want to have great sex with my partner we actually had sex today and it was much better than it had been recently even with just 2 /3 days of no PMO.

My greatest concern is to overcome the addiction to porn and negative effect this has created in my relationship and the sheer amount of my life and time I have devoted to P and P subs.

22
Ages 30-39 / Re: New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 17, 2016, 07:47:40 AM »
So i guess this is day 3.

So far no P no M and no O. I have a gf though so I am going to be concentrating mainly on no P and M.
So far it has been very easy because of the disgust I feel with myself. I have added to P block softwares to my laptop and my phone. I was considering getting rid of my laptop and buying a computer and putting it in full view of everyone in the house and allowing everyone to use it, this way i will be less able to view anything and will be less willing to risk viewing P if other people will be using the computer.

I have also been thinking of things to do to get out of the house when I am home, but i feel I need to commit myself to something either financially or in some other way to remove my free will. By that i mean i "must" do something rather than tell myself that i "will" do something. I have more discipline when i feel like I have no other option.

My gf doesn't know about this. She knows I have used porn and knows it has effected us in the bedroom but se has no clue how serious it is. I am trying not to tell her about this and trying to take care of it on my own, i don't want her to think of me like that.

Feeling a bit disappointed in myself, i think this is with the realisation, after reading so many stories on here, that I actually do have a real problem, i think i've been telling myself that everyone is probably the same but now i know they are not.

I can't remember the last time i got a spontaneous or morning erection.  do get them with my gf, but sometimes it takes a bit of time, other times it is fine but it seems to depend on how much P and M ive been partaking in. Probably in 2 years there has been 3 occasions when i've not managed to "perform" at all and maybe once when Ive lost the erection during sex. Other than that it has been manageable but I know for sure that it could be so much better. I normally wait 2/3 days before even attempting sex after we done it, but i feel like I should easily manage 2 / 3 times in a day if everything is operating as it should.

Im just at the start of this journey. I feel like this website and forum is going to help a lot. Its really good hearing all the other stories and seeing that there are so many other people in the same boat.

My two main reasons for being here are
1) improve my sex life with my gf
2) get my life and time back that i have wasted on P and other P subs.

and my goal is to completely remove P and P subs from my life all together and M.

Im determined to get there.

23
Ages 30-39 / New Member: My story so far and Journal
« on: April 16, 2016, 11:26:29 AM »
Hello to all members.

I found this community 1 day ago and I have been reading a lot of posts and watching a lot of the videos etc.

I have finally had to admit to myself that I am a porn addict and it is causing some serious problems in my life.

I am a 34 year old father. I am also in a long term relationship. My situation has gotten to the point where I feel like I am going to destroy everything if I don't get this under control.

I use porn / chat sites and dating sites frequently to fuel my addiction. I have been using these things for about 7 or 8 years now. I have had trouble with PIED in the past but I have kind of used some techniques to control it. For example, a few years back I had issues where I was having trouble getting it up for "real girls" I then searched on google and found out that many guys had the same problem, i realised that all the porn and masturbating was causing this. A lot of this advice was similar to what it is on here e.g stop porn. So i did, I stopped using porn and masturbating for a week or two and I noticed a huge difference, everything seemed to come back and it didnt take as long as most people were saying, maybe because i didnt view porn until i was in my 20's.

Anyway i found a technique to sort of control it, but still watching the porn and using the other sites. I work away from home, so one week before I know I am coming home, i "detox" by not allowing myself to orgasm. I still watch the porn and masturbate but just not to orgasm. This worked most of the time, but the main problem was that I needed to wait a few days to get back to "normal",  and if i PMO'd in that time it wouldnt work very well, by that I mean, it needs constant stimulation to stay up.

Sometimes I loose my erections and occasionally I cant get it to happen without quite a lot of foreplay. I know that the issue is all the P and M, its no accident that when  abstain, even for a few days, things are much better in the bedroom.

This is not the only issue for me. As i said I use chat sites and dating sites too. Mainly I use them to find other users to cyber with, but recently I have met a few people for actual encounters. This has resulted in me feeling terrible, and being absolutely terrified that I may have picked something up, I have also used a prostitute. These things are the ultimate reason why I am here. I don't want to be this kind of person. I spend hours and hours of my life trawling chat and dating sites looking for people to talk to who share my ever increasing list of fetishes. I see something in a porn movie that turns me on then I spend hours looking for a person in real life who would be willing to do those things, then when i find them I create a meeting with them, usually that was enough but recently I have actually been meeting a few of these people and this is the make or break time for me because this is a path I really don't want to go down, and thats why im here. I beleive porn is the main  factor in influencing me do do these things and causing the functional problems in the bedroom.

I am also begining to hate the person that I have become. I have a vision for myself as the kind of person  want to be, and this is not it, at all. I can't even begin to understand how no one knows what I am doing or how I have managed to keep all this secret for so long.

I just wanted to come clean somewhere about myself and my story. I have tried this before but I usually just waited till my erections got batter then went straight back to "using again". It has really seeped into all aspects of my life, I have even looked at these things behind my laptop with a room full of people, on chat sites with my gf next to me, porn with people in the next room, even in the same room with the volume down. I am going to get caught and i know it and it is going to destroy my life.

One of my main issues is the way I work. I work away from home and stay in a hotel where i have access to anything I want with no one there to question me. When I am at home, I study which gives me a great excuse to always be on my laptop, my gf works too so I am free to do what I want with my time at home. I really need to find some kind of project that keeps me away from the internet, ideally it would keep me out of the house too. As i said, i came to P quite late in comparison to many people, therefore i know i can function normally without it, but it has been some years now since I knew how to do that and when I have free will and spare time, I always end up back in the same place.

I have a problem and I need advice on how to keep away from it. I just wanted to get all that out there as I really need this to work this time for the sake of my life and my familys future. Thanks for reading.

24
Ages 30-39 / Re: **Accountability Partner Requests**
« on: April 15, 2016, 10:18:43 AM »
Hi, I am a new member, Just discovered this today. I am 33 and engaged to be married. This addiction is starting to rule my life and I need to get it under control as soon as possible. Im looking for an accountability partner and someone to talk to who understands this.

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