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Messages - Punk Monk

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1
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 29, 2018, 11:27:51 AM »
Thanks, Light.

If I can get there...you can too!

P. Monk

2
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 09, 2018, 09:39:27 PM »
Hey Folks,

Just checking in. Didn't realize it'd been so long since I posted! But I'm happy to report things are going pretty well!

At the end of March, I tried to adopt a "No Fap" lifestyle. Unfortunately, I was only able to stick to it for about three weeks. So, as an interim step, I tried to cut it down to a single fap a week. This seemed more doable and I'd turn to that whenever The Missus wasn't available.

However, the major difference was that I didn't use porn. Instead of jumping on the internet and scouring hours for fantasy fap material, I'd simply go into a quiet place...and do my thing.

Then I'd move on. When the dopamine urge came on later, I'd busy myself with music or writing or time at the gym until it went away. As time went on, I began to notice a serious change in...everything!

For starters, I noticed a surge in my empathy and awareness. It was literally like a fog had lifted and I was waking up. I could deal with my fellow humans...particularly women...as fully realized people.

The relationship with The Missus has improved. I'm more present and in-tune with her and am finally back to being bold and adventurous when we get it on. I admit, though, I sometimes still need to duck into my head to reach The Point of No Return. But there are just as many times when I can be fully present and let it come naturally (pun, as always, intended).

I'm still not quite where I want to be. But both the PIED and PIDE are gone!

And if I can do it...I KNOW you all can too!

So Keep on Rebootin'!

P. Monk

3
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: March 16, 2018, 10:12:39 PM »
Thanks guys!

And using the Reboot Nation as my Virtual Sponsor is working pretty well.

Had an urge to something naughty. Came here and saw the motivating posts from Strike and TAN and <POOF!>

Naughty urge gone.

See? It really works?

P. Monk

4
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: March 12, 2018, 09:57:19 PM »
Been meaning to post for awhile, but life sort of got in the way.

Things have been actually been pretty good lately.

For one thing, I left the old oppressive job for greener pastures and, for the most part, am pretty happy with my decision. That's relaxed some of my tension considerable and the Missus and I are back on track.

The PIED is completely gone. And for the first time in months, I'm actually happy to have sex. It's become a pleasant fun occasion once again instead of an activity I dreaded due to shame and fear.

The PIDE hasn't been an issue for the last month or so, either. But I admit, I do occasionally go into my head to help me finish. Usually it's a fantasy about Mrs. Monk. But the problem is that it's still fantasy. This impedes my ability to connect to the moment, which in turn makes fantasy necessary for me to get off. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Of course, this is completely my fault.

Much as I hate to admit it, I still venture to the "soft stuff". And there's a part of my brain that still feels more "aroused" by fantasy. Although ironically, I once again enjoy real sex WAY more than masturbation (as it should be).

Anyway, the only way to quit the soft stuff is to quit the soft stuff. And to help me, I've decided that every time I get the urge to Google something I shouldn't......I'll come here and post.

So expect to see me here a lot for the next few weeks!

P. Monk

5
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: February 11, 2018, 03:43:27 PM »
Been awhile since I've visited and wrote. And I'll be honest, things have been a little...shaky.

January was a really bad month. Between my wife and I passing the flu back and forth and some major life stress (work/family), it was challenging to find some intimate time.

So, I found myself using my imagination a LOT. My excuse was using the "soft stuff" to evoke fantasy situations for my wife. After all if she's still the star of my sexual dreams, it's okay, right? It's not like I'm really using those soft core images, right?

Ah...but fantasy is fantasy. And the use of those "soft" images became more pronounced as the stress in the workplace increased. And while I recognized that it was my primitive limbic lizard-brain trying to find a quick hit to dopamine relief, it did its damage.

Ordinarily, I'd seek refuge in physical activity and music. But...since I was sick, trips to kung fu and to the gym were limited. And the draconian situation at work had severely sapped any creative juices I'd reserve for guitaring around (yes...I know that's not a verb. But it should be, damnit!).

But slowly, I took control of the work situation and it began to turn around. And my wife and I were able to make a full recovery finally eject the illnesses from our house. These brought about a newfound confidence in me. And I finally was able to leave the need for the "soft stuff" behind.

I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks.

And my wife and I had sex for the first time in over a month.

But the real deal just wasn't as exciting as the fantasy scenarios I'd cooked up in my mind. And while I had no problem getting it up, I wasn't able to finish. However, something strange happened after. I was more attracted to my wife. Little things like the small of her back or the rise of her cheekbones began to excite me. It was as if I had been reminded how much more fulfilling The Real Deal was.

So with more focus, determination and some lights at the end of the proverbial tunnel...I think this temporary setback will be just that. Temporary.

P. Monk

6
Ages 40 and up / Re: Aiming for a genuine and healthy me
« on: February 11, 2018, 03:25:44 PM »
Dude...are you me?

A lot of the same has happened to me throughout the month of January (reasons are in my most recent post). But that "soft stuff", man. It's a killer.  Like you, I got to a point where I just felt awful and unfulfilled afterwards.

Now I realized that it's my mind's limbic lizard-brain response to stress and discomfort that's driving me to it. Since for the longest time, that was the easiest way to get the dopamine rush. But TAN's advice is spot on. Finding better ways to utilize time and minimize stress are great ways to rewire the brain from porn.

Good luck, brother. And thanks for posting.

P. Monk

7
Ages 40 and up / Re: Aiming for a genuine and healthy me
« on: December 10, 2017, 04:24:28 PM »
Strike and TAN.

That's great to hear! I'm proud of you both.

TAN, wow! Two half marathons?! That's amazing. And I say this as someone who absolutely hates running. The most I can muster a lap around our Kung Fu school to warm up for class.  So, my hat's off to you sir!

Strike, really cool about the six months of "sobriety" (for lack of a better term). Love how you're getting into your art as an outlet. I'm finding the same joy from total absorption; sat down to noodle on my guitar and by the end of the night, I had a complete song written, recorded and mixed!

I'm reminded of a quote I once read from the Late Great Bruce Lee.  He was describing the difference between wasting time and spending time. "Wasting time," he said. "Is like playing an arcade game. You put in your quarter but you really get nothing back. Spending time, on the other hand, is like going to a vending machine. You put in your money and you get something useful in return."

Porn is a waste of time. But what you guys are doing...that's spending time.

P. Monk


8
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 26, 2017, 11:11:49 PM »
A good tryst with The Missus this weekend. She had anxiety about work, I was hungry, thirsty and tired from working in the yard all morning. Yet somehow, we managed to give it a go and have perfectly normal  and pleasantly routine married people sex!

And, while I did inch into my headspace a little to reach The Point of No Return, it was literally for only a second. I felt the slow pressure building to release almost immediately. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it was the headspace or just being Present.

So, yet another victory against PIED/PIDE! And three solid weeks away from The Soft Stuff.

Odd side note, but lately I've been having "cravings" to look at images of a particular minor celebrity. It's really strange as to why I just want to ogle at her and I can't really figure it out. Usually, when an alcoholic has a craving, they're not particular about what they drink. So why is mine so specific?

Any way, I have so far resisted and will continue to do so. I mean after all, I just had the real thing not too long ago! Who needs fantasy?

P. Monk

9
Ages 40 and up / Re: Aiming for a genuine and healthy me
« on: November 24, 2017, 06:16:05 PM »
I hear ya, Strike.

The "soft" images have always been my drug of choice (so to speak). The fantasy of being with a gorgeous, photoshopped celebrity just fueled the fantasy fire. And it the end of the day, it's the dependence on the fantasy the kills (or at the very least severely impedes) our interaction with the real world.

The challenge, of course, is that's it's everywhere. Even "legit" news sites like USAToday, CNN or Fox all have some section about "see how so and so got into bikini shape" or how "such and such 'stunned' on the red carpet".  In that respect, I find avoiding the "soft" images almost harder than staying away from straight up porn. So kudos to you for staying clear.

I think I've been able to stay off the Gateway stuff for a good three weeks and I'm definitely noticing a change (for the better). The challenge will be when The Missus has her period (and "the store is closed for the week" as she says). That's usually when I give myself license to self gratify. Of course, it can be done without porn...gateway or otherwise. But...it's a challenge.

The key, as you alluded, is to occupy your mind with other creative outlets. Keep up with the drawing and painting. For me it's composing music and writing short short stories. Often, when I sit down at the computer, instead of opening up the browser, I'll either pop open Cubase or MS Word.

To paraphrase the old saying..."And idle mind is the Devil's playground".

Monk

10
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 19, 2017, 04:46:38 PM »
Wow. What a difference a few weeks away from "Gateway Porn" (thanks for letting me borrow that, Strike) can do.

The Mrs. and I had normal married people sex this afternoon and everything worked out as it should have. Still had to go into my headspace to get to The Point of No Return, but this time it was just a little push as opposed to a full blown visit.  And for the most part, I was keying into the feeling of the moment rather than any particular imagery.

So that's progress.

I am still concerned about the lack of "adventure", but I'm sure that will come as the confidence increases.  So hey...Baby Steps

P. Monk

11
Ages 40 and up / Re: Aiming for a genuine and healthy me
« on: November 18, 2017, 04:55:44 PM »
"Gateway porn"! Nice term! Because that is exactly what it is. (Sorry...I'm just now realizing that you've been calling it that for some time).

And yes, it definitely slows down the reboot process. It's like a recovering alcoholic having a "small drink" or even a "sip of beer" every day. The whole idea to free one's self from the need. Can't do that if you want it even a little.

Good luck, man. Enjoy those holidays.

P. Monk

12
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 12, 2017, 10:00:40 PM »
At this stage it's remarkable easy to hop on and off the wagon.

I admit it. I fell off the wagon pretty hard a couple of weeks ago. And yet, I haven't visited any soft core or fetish sites since my last post. I didn't miss it...didn't crave it...didn't want it.

There was a two or three day flat line period and then voila! The Wood of the Morning!

Unfortunately, it seems that I'm still flatlining in the PIDE department. Today, I simply could not finish. Even tried desperately to resort so some of my old mental trickery. But none of that worked.

Unsurprisingly, I actually felt more aroused in the moment than in my head. But when I tried to use a little fantasy to get to The Point of No Return, nothing happened.

My immediate inclination is to go Google some softcore. After all, addiction is the comfort food of the mind, right? That would make me feel better for the moment.

Except it wouldn't. It would just delay my recovery and create more days of frustration like this. So...I haven't. And I won't.

When my wife was getting sober, she remembers the exact moment when she realized drinking wasn't worth it anymore. I think that's where I am now.

Because Lyon always says..."PORN IS NOT AN OPTION".

P Monk


13
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 12, 2017, 09:35:17 PM »
Thanks for the posts, folks.

Gracie,

Props to you for working with your husband through his addiction. Supportive partners are everything when going through a recovery. As for where the fun sex went...only you and he can answer that. In my case it was a loss of confidence. PIED and PIDE are really emasculating experiences. It's tough to feel brave and adventurous when you've lost faith in yourself. Open minded partners help. There are days I feel I can lead the charge and play like we used to. And there are days where the fear creeps in and neuters the moment. It's a process...

jjacks,

Wise words, man. Good advice. I hope to be where you are (metaphorically speaking) very soon...

14
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: November 05, 2017, 11:01:53 PM »
Lyon and Strike,

Thanks for checking in and for the advice.

Lyon, to answer your question, my drug of choice has always been the soft core stuff...nude or semi nude images of celebrities. It was never the full penetration, X-rated stuff. That was never as exciting as the fantasy of being with a famous lingerie model or actress.

But that ties into Strike's comments. The bottom line is that it was the fantasy. So...why? What was it about the fantasy that was better than the reality?

Well, at the time, the reality was that my wife's an alcoholic. She was either drunk or passed out when I wanted to have sex. So, I turned to the fantasy to escape and satisfy my urges. By the time she got free from her addiction (she's been sober for three years, God bless 'er!), I was deep into mine.

For the past year, she's been helping me break free of my addiction to porn. She was patient during my six week reboot period and has been very supportive during those times I couldn't perform to my fullest. But when we have sex, it's very safe, simple and subdued. Which is, without a doubt, my fault.

She and I used to be really adventurous in bed (and other places). That was a more true expression of who we both are. It's funny but now when I fantasize, I fantasize about her. Which leads me to the answer to Strike's excellent question of "What triggers me?"

The answer is quite simply, I'm not allowing my fantasies (or rather, my imagination) to manifest in real life. Recently, when we've had great sex, it's been when I lead...take more risks...become a more imaginative and creative lover. 

As you know, Porn Addiction saps a man's confidence. This has made me believe (falsely) that the safe stuff is for real life whereas the fun stuff is for fantasies.

So I think the key for me is to be fearless and free and to just have fun. Easier said than done...I know. But let's see how it works!

Thanks for the support and wisdom.

P. Monk

15
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: October 22, 2017, 10:25:03 PM »
Been awhile since I logged on...which probably contributed to my current situation (foreshadowing!!!)

First off, thanks TAN and Strikeatruepath for your comments. They were appreciated.

I've been away because things have been going pretty good for the last few weeks. Seem to be able to get it up and get it out with little trouble. Still need to jump to the fantasy realm for a second or two to climax, but it's becoming less and less necessary.

Had a great experience with The Missus yesterday. I was feeling pretty confident and decided to focus on Mrs. Monk's orgasm. She's been so patient and understanding though all this, it was time to the focus back on her. Besides, her orgasm's been a long time comin' (pun intended).

The great thing was that, for the first time, I wasn't worried about finishing. Unfortunately, I was so relaxed I finished little ahead of schedule (No Minute Man, though. I lasted a "normal" amount of time. But that killed my "Ladies First" program.

But hey! At least my PIDE was gone!

So how did I celebrate? By going on an artificial stimulation binge all weekend. Fortunately, I stayed clear from porn, but yanked my crank to all the softcore fantasy crap the PG-13 internet had to offer.

So, here I am. Feeling pretty low about my lack of discipline.

And yet, reinvigorated to get back on the path.

Wish me luck!

16
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 24, 2017, 09:59:46 PM »
First things first, is it me or are all the counters gone?

Anyway, things are progressing well. This weekend was Mrs. Monk's and my 7th Anniversary so we celebrated with a lovely romantic dinner at a swanky place we'd never been to.

I wanted to do something "special" in the bedroom this weekend. I had in my mind what I'd do, what she'd wear, etc.  Of course, things never go as planned. Life got in the way and we both got caught up with chores, work and family stuff. So I'd pretty much written off the possibility of any nookie this weekend. But later in the afternoon, The Missus wandered by and said "Come on. Let's do it."

Unfortunately, I was kneed deep in some work emails. But I wrapped those as quickly as I could and joined my wife in the bedroom. It was fine. And The Little Monk did not fail me. But I was stressed, tired and a little annoyed that it didn't go the way I wanted. So, although I could get the party started, I couldn't finish. Although I was really close to discharge, it just wouldn't happen. Tried to resort back to the old fantasy technique, but that just got me soft all that much faster.

Anyway, I'm a little discouraged. I need to work on finding inspiration in the moment and not dwelling on a preconceived idea of how things should be. But I also shouldn't be afraid to admit that I'm not ready yet, and ask for some time to get my head together.

It's amazing how much of sex is a mental thing.

P. Monk

17
Ages 40 and up / Re: 49 yrs old Just started my Journey
« on: September 24, 2017, 09:36:05 PM »
Welcome, Farscape (one of my favorite shows, by the way).

You're off to a good start by coming here. I discovered this place a couple of years ago and it's totally changed my life. Yeah...I'm instantly cynical anytime someone say that. But it's true. I can honestly say this site has enabled me to regain control of my life, helped my marriage and greatly improved my sex life with The Missus.

You can read my story here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=5575.0

There are a lot of great people here and a wealth of wise advice, good suggestions and inspiration. 

Glad you're with us.

P. Monk

18
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 17, 2017, 10:37:22 PM »
Hey PM. How are things my friend? Just checking in after a long absence from the nation. I look forward to reading your next update brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Lyon, mon amis! Comment ca va?

Good to hear from you. Hope all is well in your world.

So far things are progressing nicely, but slowly.  I feel like my libido is finally returning to normal. The old unnatural urges and desires a thing of the past.

Nowadays if I'm horny, rather than get online...I'll just look for a willing and accommodating partner. Good thing, I'm married to one!

The PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation) is still an occasional problem. But more often than not, I can beat it by staying in the moment.

Mrs. Monk and I had a fun Sunday afternoon romp today and everything went fine. However, I did have to rely on a little imagination to get to The Point of No Return. For some reason, pretending The Missus is saying certain things to me helps get me off.

And while I suppose I could ask her to "talk dirty to me", she wouldn't be comfortable saying what I imagine. Maybe that's why they turn me on.

But that's a problem for another day.

But for right now, I'm Born Again, Porn Free!

P. Monk

19
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 04, 2017, 04:37:01 PM »
Thanks, Strike.

You can do it.

I still stay staying on The True Path (HA!) is harder than getting on it. Every day we're able to not give in is a victory.

P. Monk

20
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: September 03, 2017, 11:04:09 PM »
Great day with Mrs. Monk! We were chill. We were fun. We ended up in the sack.

And..everything worked as normal!

Hooray! No PIED or PIDE in sight.

But I have to admit, I had to go "into my head" to just crest over The Point of No Return. Strangely, I imagined The Missus talking dirty to me. It was something she used to tell me when we were dating that, for some reason, just took me over the top.

I guess in the future, I can ask her to say it for real. But, for now, we'll count this as a win!

Now I just have to resist the urge to do a Victory Fap...

21
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: August 20, 2017, 11:24:00 PM »
My Kung Fu Sifu often says "If do you things the ugly way, you become expert in ugly. Don't be ugly!" So lately, I've been focusing on throwing out the Ugly Habits and doing things The Right Way.

Nowhere is this more applicable than to my nemesis, the PIDE (Porn Induced Delayed Ejaculation)! Been really focused on breaking those Ugly Habits that prevent me from enjoying sex as completely and fully as I should.

This means not relying on imagery to get me to The Point of No Return (TPNR). I think it's working because I've hit a mini-flatline. The fantasy images that used to TPNR no longer work. And I'm forced to return to the present and stay in the moment.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work either...yet.

Today, with The Missus, I could feel the sensations arising. Then I panicked, went into my head so I could climax and damn near lost steam! I hastily returned to the present and felt the ol' Mojo returning. But alas...I wasn't able to finish.

I'm considering instituting a No Fap policy since the masturbation feeds the need for imagery. Though I'll admit, sometimes I jack it just to make sure I still CAN get off...and that there's nothing medically wrong with me.

I dunno... Have to think about this a little.

P Monk.

22
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 16, 2017, 10:23:29 PM »
This week's been a series of Good News/Bad News events.

Good News! Been able to stay clear of any soft core porn stuff for the week!
Bad News! Still feeling the impact from "leaning" off the wagon.

Good News! The Missus' "monthly visitor" didn't drop by today as expected...so we were able to get it on!
Bad News! I wasn't able to finish. Seems like I could get close, but I just couldn't ejaculate.

Good News! At least I was able to stay in the moment, focus on my beautiful wife and not cheat by going into my head.
Bad News! See above.

I think if I stay the current course, everything will work itself out. But I'm disappointed in myself. The DE shouldn't a problem anymore. In addition, my Niece-in-Law just had a baby and Mrs. Monk has been staring longingly at the pictures of the newborn. As I've said before, we're not trying to get pregnant...but we're not not trying. And I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't "spill my seed".

Or maybe I'm putting undue pressure on myself to finish, which in turn stressing me out enough to prevent me from doing the very thing I want to do!

Either way, it's really getting damned annoying...


23
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: July 09, 2017, 10:14:51 PM »
Crap.

Feels like I've been "leaning off the wagon" a bit lately. It hasn't been a full blown fall, but I can see it coming.

Simply haven't been as disciplined. I'm also getting cocky (pun always intended). I noticed it definitely impacted my performance with the Missus today. Thankfully, she's a patience and encouraging partner. So the Little Monk was able to start and finish...but things were a bit touch and go for second.

So, I'm resetting the counter to a full month. And I pledge that any time I get the urge to surf the web for naughty places...I come here instead!

24
Ages 40 and up / Re: Re-Boot Camp Journal
« on: June 04, 2017, 11:12:01 PM »
Interesting observation regarding that "change in perspective" I mentioned last time.

The Missus wasn't feeling too well this weekend (it's Allergy Season and the histamines took her down hard!). Naturally, that put a damper on our  "sexy-sexy time" (as my wife likes to say).

Now back in the day, this would have filled me with joy and relief. Because that meant I had an excuse to masturbate to porn. In fact, I actually preferred it to the real thing. I mean, that's like wanting to play a driving video game instead of actually going for a drive!

Today that was the furthest thing from my mind. In fact the though even just jacking it "normally" wasn't appealing. It's just a very poor substitute for the real thing.

And THAT my friends, is the sign of a brain in the midst of rewiring.

Monk.

25
Ages 40 and up / Re: That's it, never again!
« on: June 04, 2017, 10:53:38 PM »
Hang in there, KC.

I had to go through the Reboot Cycle a couple of times. Wouldn't say I'm necessarily cured, yet. But each trip around brings us closer to the goal.

If I can do it, so can you.

Be strong, brother.

P. Monk

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