Reboot Nation

Journals => Women => Topic started by: aquarius25 on July 14, 2016, 12:26:24 AM

Title: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 14, 2016, 12:26:24 AM
I have read a few of these journals and I can see how making them helps process everything so I thought I would give it a try. I want to do everything I can.

My husband has been watching P apparently since before we met. I also think he has been experiencing PIED off and on since before we met as well. We were best friends. I knew he battled ED but had no idea why. I loved him completely so I figured we can work on the sex thing, no biggy, he is worth it. Fast forward 13 years, 2 kids, 5 houses and me recovering from cancer. We have dealt with a lot in our marriage. I think I took that for granted, I took him for granted. For that I am so sorry. I thought we had not a perfect marriage but about as close as you can possibly come. Then it all came crumbling down. After thinking about the entire scenario its actually a little comical, lol.

I saw our cat under the desk in the office portion of our bedroom sitting on some clothes. I was collecting all the dirty laundry anyway so I reached in to pet him and get the clothes. Then it hit me....I was holding another womans underwear! I had the kids around and was getting ready to take them to my parents as my hubby and I were leaving later that evening on work/ romantic weekend. I was trying not to freak out. I thought there must have been some reasonable explanation but none came to mind. It didn't seem real. I thought maybe it was a joke, but I couldn't see how. So I texted my husband and told him I found something under the desk. No response. Then I said he had better say something cause I was kinda freaking out. His only response was Panties.  I asked him WTF?! He said, "you caught me, I was masturbating". I said I didn't care about the masturbating I wanted to know who's fucking panties they were?

Long story short he had found them at our house in the back of a drawer as the desk used to be a friends and she used it as a dresser for a bit. I do find it funny that his story, that was actually true, made him look like a huge cheater. He was really scared. A week earlier is ED had gotten really bad when we were trying to have sex and it wouldn't work at all. He had went online and found out about PIED and was already starting and hoping to fix it without me ever knowing. The panties were bad timing. I am glad though. They brought the longest weekend of our marriage, 16 hr car ride from hell, lol. The two of us stuck in the car with nothing but panties to discuss, lol. But we are now closer. We are openly talking. That is good.

I have always known that he looked at porn. I didn't know just how much he was doing it. I have always know he struggled with self image and issues with his self worth. He feels bad that he isn't a sex god or something. At one point in our marriage I heard him say that M and P he thought might actually help us. Clearly that is not the case. I think he was doing it to feel good about himself. Like see, it actually does work! But in doing that he was making it worse. I didn't care about him MO, I didn't even care about the P. I hated the lying. So much I hate the lying.

Now I feel like our entire marriage was a lie. All of the sex and the progress we made over the years was about his porn. The new things we tried was reliving his porn. I feel so ugly, rejected, confused and frankly heartbroken. It consumes my mind every moment of every day for the last 7 days. I need to get this out of my head.  This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing, lol. If you do thank you. Its nice to know I am not alone. I feel so lonely. I have no one here that I can talk too. I love my husband. He is committed to getting better. He really does love me. I have so many fears. I guess this will be one way for me to work them out.
Cheers and tears.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: IMNOBODY on July 14, 2016, 02:08:00 PM
Quote
This is super long. i'm sure nobody will actually read the entire thing,

I read it as I'm sure many others have or will too. there are great people on this site that will give you support. Thanks you for sharing your sorry.


PS: Sorry to hear about your cancer.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 14, 2016, 05:03:15 PM
IMNOBODY,
thank you for the kind words. Cancer sucks but at least its something at you can talk about with your friends without shame. My husband has a problem but he is a good man. He is a good father, friend and person. I hate how much shame is attached to this because it makes it hard for him to find support and me too. I am sad to think that I may confide in a friend and have that change their perspective of him. I don't want them thinking something "dirty" about him. I understand it though because I  admit that I thought that too.....at first. Those were my first thoughts. I can't imagine how hard that would be for him to live with this secret. I have been mad, angry and overwhelmed but mostly I just feel sad for him. I have and compassion for this struggle. It is so much harder than cancer. I am looking forward to the day that we can be a healthy couple and have an amazing sex life! Really looking forward to the last part!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 15, 2016, 12:51:55 PM
Well getting ready to go away for the weekend. I have so many feelings about leaving my husband with the kids. I am scared that we will relapse and also there is a part of me that knows its going to happen at some point so lets get it over with. I know that doesn't make much sense but lately nothing has made sense. I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, it's really hard. Another thing that has been crossing my mind is other men. I feel like it has been forever since I have had great sex! I would like to get laid, lol, badly. Not by someone who feels obligated to "try" and need medication to preform but someone who finds me irresistibly attractive and wants me. I miss having that connection with someone. I don't even care about love or anything like that I just want a physical experience. I know its cheating, and I certainly wouldn't follow through with this but I can't deny that I have been fantasizing about it. There is also most likely a terrible part of me that is angry and maybe hurting him is something I want in some horrible part of my heart. That's sad. 13 yrs of marriage has boiled down to this.

I feel like I need to start trying to enjoy doing things with him. Maybe that will help remind me of the man who I married? I don't know. I think I just need to keep processing.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on July 16, 2016, 07:04:26 PM
Aquarius25, I found this site about 3-4 months into recovery, maybe? Can't quite remember but till then I suffered in Silence because it is not some bring we can talk about to others. I feel your pain. I don't think I have experienced anything quite so hurtful as this. Just remember not to allow what he has done and what has happened to make you feel less about you. It's not about you, it's about him. It wouldn't matter who your husband had married he would've had the same issue. Watch your thoughts because without realizing it you will blame yourself. I understand your lonely feeling. I think it was the worst feeling when I first started to go through this. I constantly felt so lonely and like our life was all a sham. Thank God my husband has taken his recover very seriously and as yet hasn't had any relapses. That's not to say he won't. We are a year into recovery. I can talk to him at times about it now in a calm manner but it still Hurts like hell. I also still yell and occasionally have a flipper as much as I hate to admit it. He has no PIED anymore but I do think he struggles with temptations when it comes to looking at women and stuff although he claims he doesn't. I can't even begin to describe it all to you here. I pray for you in this journey. If he is serious about hair recovery there is hope. The road is bumpy and not fun but things can improve. You need to take care of you. Journaling helps a lot and if you can find a pastor/counsellor/non judgmental Friend or any of the like to talk to it will help. Take a look at my journal posted just below yours. It's long but it details a lot of the ups and downs I have had in this journey. Check out the spouses section of you haven't already. There are some VERY nice and helpful ladies there. Too many to list.
My journal is called my journey to restoration.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 17, 2016, 09:39:56 PM
Thank you ladies for the support. After going away for the weekend I was finally to think about something else beside P. I really needed that. I didn't tell any of my friends about it, did seem appropriate. It was a bachlorette party and was supposed to be about the bride to be. It was difficult at first because all I could think was, "Why would anyone want to get married?" LOL. After some time it got better. Some of the other married ladies stating talking about their husbands and it created a moment for me to reflect on the good parts of this man that I have shared so much with. There is a part of me that feel completely lied to and wonders if all of our marriage was a lit but the majority of me knows that is just not true. I do believe that this really is the only thing he was keeping from me and it was done out of shame. He is a great father, friend and person. I am glad to have shared so much life with him. I am also glad for the opportunity to remember that.

He was so supportive too. Constantly in contact with me and reassuring me as to what was going on (and what wasn't) on the home front. I think he knew I was having anxiety and he has been taking every effort he can to help in any way possible. I am glad that we are talking more and are doing this together. Recovery is for both of us and without communicating neither of us will recover. I really think I was letting this consume me. I know that will probably happen again but its nice to have a break from time to time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 19, 2016, 12:55:49 PM
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on July 19, 2016, 01:57:01 PM
I was reflecting this morning on how much communication my husband and I have had since this whole thing came to light. In a weird way I am grateful. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying i am glad my husband is a recovering PA!!! I am saying I am grateful for the opportunity to have a new layer of honesty and know him at an even deeper level than I did before. Seeing how he handle this and watching him be inspired to change makes me fall in love with him all over again. I am really blown away at how much he loves his family and me. It not only inspires me to want to be supportive in anyway I can but also to heal myself. I have a responsibility to him just as much as he does to me. I can't watch him through this process and sit in my own depression. We need to heal together! I am looking forward to seeing this through and experiencing our relationship  on the other side.

That's really awesome. You're moving past the anger to the good stuff - understanding and healing. Best wishes.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 25, 2016, 11:21:46 PM
Well another week has passed and things for the most part are finally feeling normal, almost. I have noticed that P doesn't occupy a huge portion of my thoughts anymore and I am not constantly talking about it with my husband.

 I am ok if he relapses and I am to a point where I am just sad for him. I can't imagine how he has felt the last honestly 20 yrs. He has been doing this and experiencing PIED for all of his sexual life. He started M way too young and I can see how this has destroyed his confidence. I can also understand now how PMO was a confidence booster for him. I truly believe that he thought it was helping when in reality it was making things worse. I can also see how over the years I made it harder. I had no idea I was doing that but I can hear the offhanded comments that I made from time to time were probably shaming. The pin-up photos I had taken of myself. There were a number of years we were really into classic cars and rockabilly culture, that is all retro porn. He honestly had no idea that P was causing his ED and I feel sad that I had encouraged it to some degree.

I want to support him because I love him. I want to see the man he is without this. Initially I was scared. There are so many emotions this has stirred for me. It has brought every insecurity I have ever experienced to the very surface. For that frankly I am glad. I am not there yet but I know I am going to be a stronger and happier woman. I was scared of his recovery because I had thoughts like "What if he recovers and realizes he doesn't love me?" and many others. The reality is I know our relationship is stronger than this. I also know that in supporting each other we will be closer and stronger. My heart breaks for the years of dishonesty and we can't go back but we can move forward. He has carried this for so long, longer than I have known him. I am glad to be walking along side him and being an encouragement.

Thank you everyone here for your encouragement as well. It really does make all the difference.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 27, 2016, 02:18:35 PM
Yesterday was hard. He must have been having a bad day because he was crabby as all get out! It uncovered a trait that he does. We own a business together (a start up lighting manufacturing company). So we have to work together all the time, lol. Life gets interesting from time to time. We have been super slammed! We both also have other day jobs as well while this business gets off the ground. So I understand that we are both exhausted.  Anyway I had asked him about a few things that he said he was going to take care of and he shined me on. I just felt like we had been communicating so well and when he did that it brought up all those emotions of being lied to. I feel like I over reacted and blew up. I am not saying that I didn't have reason to be upset but I am realizing how I let my emotions get away from me. That realization was big. As I look back I am seeing how I have done that from time to time about various things. I think that is one of the triggers for him. He feels like crap about whatever we were arguing about and then goes to P because that isn't going to argue back and make him feel like crap. I am not saying its not ok to communicate when your displeased but maybe I should not be sooo upset about it. Everything feels so at the surface. All my emotions feel raw. I don't want to be part of his triggers. I want to be helping him. I think it would be more healthy for me too if I wasn't so emotional.

Thankfully he didn't relapse but I can see how he could have. I am really proud of him. He is making huge progress and so am I. This morning I apologized and so did he. We both talked about our feelings in a better head space. I can tell he appreciated me apologizing my crazy, lol. He is doing so much to better himself, I need to meet that effort and better myself too.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on July 27, 2016, 07:03:29 PM
That's good that You guys talked and he never relapsed. Hopefully he is learning new coping skills because in life he will have to deal with many stressful situations. PMO can't be the answer. The key is to minimize stress whenever possible but when not possible to learn to cope PROPERLY, because you can't always minimize or avoid it. It is Imparative for everyone (spouses and PA's) to learn to deal Properly with stress. Addicts hide and avoid instead of coping or dealing with life as it happens. All addicts. They are hiding in the vice of choice (alcohol, porn, drugs etc).
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 27, 2016, 11:13:56 PM
So true Objectified1. You are completely spot on. I have been reading about breathing techniques so when your having a discussion and feeling yourself become worked up to focus on breathing, allow yourself to calm and slow your mind. I am hoping that I can practice it a bit and try that next time. Although it hard to remember in the moment, lol.

 I talked to him today a bit. We have had a few things that have been difficult to work through. Sex is hard. We have been trying every 2 days and frankly it is terrible. I have been trying to be encouraging but its just not working, then he feel disappointed and its just bad. I had posted a question about it on one of the forums and got a decent idea. The cool part is we were able to discuss it and we both didn't feel weird or anything. I am going to try something new for me. I am not an emotional person in the bedroom. Sex has been a fun and enjoyable thing but not emotional thing. The term making love was always weird and mushy to me. Well I am going to step out of my box and try it. Not even having sex but being more emotional with physical touch. He said that would help. He is more romantic than I, by a lot. I think it would take the pressure off is we are both stepping out of our comfort zones and trying something new together. I am also wondering if allowing myself to experience more emotion in these areas will be good. Not have emotion so bottled up and maybe I will be less inclined to explode other times.

Thank you for your encouragement. I so greatly appreciate it!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 28, 2016, 11:56:49 AM
Something I have been noticing is how much exercise have been helping my attitude. I know it sounds cheesy but it helps so much! Just like we encourage men and women who are PA's I think its great for their partners as well. I have been doing crossfit for a while and being about to go lift weights, see myself reach new goals is super motivating when my confidence is in the dump. It help be realize how strong, capable and worthy I am. I encourage anyone experiencing low confidence to go workout and get your sweat on!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on July 28, 2016, 12:55:39 PM
How long has he been in recovery? You say things are not working in the bedroom. I am thinking you mean he is having trouble with PIED. If so, as long as he stays away from ALL artificial stimulation he will improve. This includes checking out women in the streets and fantasizing. My husband had trouble with both of those after he stopped porn and it was months afterwards that he actually was able to say he stopped it all and not just the porn. At the time he wasn't telling me either. It wasn't till after the fact that I found that out. That's not to say your husbands the same. It could be anything. Of course no one can say how long it takes as everyone is different. You have to be careful in the bedroom while he is recovering. I know with me and my hubby anything that resembles porn was a no no, things he watch or Took part in via porn (oral sex etc). Of course Everyone's different like I already said. Focus on just being naked together and touching in a loving way. Not to have sex or start sex even but to just gently and lovingly explore each other's bodies. Go slow and let sex happen on its own. If it doesn't happen don't worry about it. I know with my hubby his PIED turned into performance anxiety. After a while I could tell the difference. Anyway, best of luck to you both!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: stillme on July 28, 2016, 01:45:37 PM


I just finished a workout about 15 minutes ago! Yes, exercise has really been helping me feel better as a partner of a recovering PA.

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 29, 2016, 09:53:34 AM
Its been a bit of a stressful week. I have a test for my crossfit trainer cert and it also mean I have to go out of town again. I have mixed emotions about this. I think its actually positive that I am more nervous about my test than leaving my husband for the weekend. I am come to terms with his addiction and progress. He is doing great and is just shy of 1 month no P. I am really proud of him. What I have realized is if he does relapse, he is doing his best but he is human. I know he is giving this all the effort he can. I see how important it is to him and us but at the end of the day its up to him. I am here to support him. If I shame him or get really mad it just makes him feel worse and destroys his progress. The only thing I can do is love him and accept him for who he is today and help him be who he wants to be. His relapse (if it occurs) is not mine, not my fault, not my responsibility. I feel really good about that. I am seeing how that is huge progress for me.

Now if I could just make some progression this test, lol. The stomach acid that churns up are a result of the nerves is terrible, lol! I guess I should just go get some tums. Ha ha ha.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 03, 2016, 01:21:59 PM
Well I left for another weekend and I am glad to say that I wasn't constantly thinking about if he was looking at anything or not. We have had some ups and downs the last few days. A bit of a roller coaster. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. The positive part is I am able to put some distance between my emotions and my mouth, lol. I am able to stop and think logically about the situation. I am starting to learn how to think rationally and decided how I should feel instead of reacting or more often than not.....over reacting, lol. I understand that this is not my fault and even though it really difficult I am try very hard to not take it on myself and make it personal. Breathing and helped a lot. Clearing my mind and creating a moment between me and my emotions. This is the hardest thing we have ever battled in our 13 yr marriage. We have endured a lot and I can honestly say this is without a doubt the most difficult.

Another thing that has been over the moon amazing is I have finally found someone I can talk to. Someone who understands. They have a different perspective a bit but the one thing they don't have is judgment. They are a safe sounding board for me whenever I need it. They are encouragement when I feel crummy and they believe in me and my relationship with my husband. All they want is for us to find happiness. That has been life changing! I don't think they will ever know what an amazing gift they have given me and I am eternally thankful! If you are going through this you need to have safety to vent and seek support. Not just in a forum but more personal than that. You need to connect with an individual, even if its just in a text conversations if that is all you can do. Reach out and find someone!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 07, 2016, 05:58:49 PM
The last few days have been less crazy thankfully. Things are starting to slow down. My husband is most defiantly still flat lining but he is handling it in a much batter way.  Those first few days were pretty rough. Learning to separate myself from his recovery yet still be a part of his process is a tricky balance. For a while I felt angry, all the time. That anger still creeps in usually when I least expect it. It is triggered by random things and I feel like I am experiencing the entire situation all over again as if we were at day one. Then I have to remind myself, forgiveness is a choice. When you remember you have a choice that gives you power. You no longer feel helpless, taken advantage of, or small. Choice gives you a voice ,a stay in your circumstance and with that choice you have ownership in the outcome of your circumstances. I choose to stay. I can honestly say it is the hardest choice I have ever made. My choice was made with careful thought and care. I used not just my emotions but logic as well. My emotions will lead me down a crazy road if I live my life according to them as they are a roller coaster reacting to everything and anything. My mind and logic is more steady. I take ownership of where I am. I take ownership in my marriage and ownership in my happiness. I am responsible for my happiness and weather or not I experience it. I choose to be happy, I choose to be married and I choose to support my husband no matter how difficult this process is. That is a very empowering realization.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 10, 2016, 08:55:56 AM
Ok I know this might make me sound terrible but I just have to vent one frustration into the void of whoever is reading this ridiculous process, lol. I in no way have been pressuring or venting this to my husband but can I just say that when one spouse is "rebooting" you both are! Flatlines are experienced by both too! The problem is only one person is experiencing the low libido. I don't have a P problem, I am not experiencing a flatline but somehow we partners have to pay for it too. I don't want to pressure him but I do like sex! I would like to have some, lol! This seems like a very one sided situation. Just saying.
 Ok done venting.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on August 10, 2016, 09:49:09 AM
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you Voicing how you feel to your husband. Personally I felt that just because he was in a flatline (no desire to have sex) didn't mean we shouldn't have sex. It is possible to have sex without wanting to have sex. I felt that since he had gotten us to this place without any regard, care or concern for me, once we got to recovery I no longer had any acceptance of selfishness towards me on his part. Recovery is so much more then not watching P or PMOing. Recovery, although gradgual of course and not all at once, should be seen in his change of attitude. They got into PMO to the point of addiction due to poor choices and poor attitudes, mainly selfishness and immaturity. They won't get out and recovered the same way.  During recovery we had sex if I wanted to have sex. Of course there has to be some consideration of them on our part as well. Meaning, it's not right for us to take on the selfish, this is all about us stance. BUT I felt it is ok, normal and necessary for him to put himself aside for once and put me first, think about me. It may be some work to get him in the mood, which it was at times, but once we got going, it was alright. We had lots Of issues with PIED which caused me lots of mental trouble but thank God it is better now. We didn't avoid sex because he was not up to it. Sometimes he just did things to make me happy and we didn't even have sex. He was very remorseful for the pain he caused me and that he had turned our sex life into the mess it was from his selfishness and ignorance. It showed in him putting me first in his recovery when it came to sex. We always have to Remember that the journey is different for each of us though and what goes for one couple May not apply to the next. Hoping things improve and you guys recovery quickly! :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 12, 2016, 09:41:24 AM
Thank God!!!! My husband did not break his penis, LOL! I know that sounds odd and maybe even slightly offensive but knowing how long he has been doing this there was a small part of me that was worried it would never work again. Well I am happy to report that things are starting to work. He is just under 45 days and he has had a few erections without medication. It feels weird to be this excited about it but ya know what.....I don't care! I am really excited. It gives me hope that we can have a healthy great sex life. I have never received this much hope from an erections before, LOL! Anyway things are going well. We are communication a lot more than we have before and I am feeling very hopeful for what's to come. I understand we still have a long way to go but at least it a "we". Our marriage will last and we are both committed to each other 100%.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on August 12, 2016, 10:57:30 AM
Fantastic news! I understand where your coming from. I tell hubby occasionally now how much I appreciate his erections lol. I now have an appreciation for it I never had before.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 23, 2016, 09:36:01 AM
Well the last few days have been pretty rough. I had found out that what I thought was a natural erection for my husband was in fact pill induced. Of course I freaked out. I really wish I was better at processing this information without so much emotion, I really think it would help the both of us. It bothered me because I just felt lied to all over again. Trust, I am convinced that is the worst part of this process. I have never been a very patient person and trust requires so much of it. I guess we are both learning new things. I can see how if we can make it through this process that we will both be better people individually and as a couple. Since he came clean about our last sexual experience being pill induced and I was very clear about my boundaries regarding it thing have been going better. He has started getting occasional erections on his own, just now I am left suspicious. I don't want to be that way. I really just want to love and accept him where ever he is at. I just really need complete honesty. I have noticed that when he isn't completely honest with me I find I am hesitant to be honest with him. I end up reminding myself and forcing the honesty out. Its like a little mental battle I play out in my head instead of the way it used to be which was just natural.

He is around day 50 now. I can see how physically things are starting to get back to healthy function. I also think he is starting to fully realize just how damaging the emotional element is. He is realizing just how low my self esteem is as a result of this process. And I share responsibility in that too. It is not just his fault. I am responsible for the way I see myself. Its just this situation makes it very difficult. Another think I have noticed. He is much more attentive to me and has been trying to build me up but his words feel like nothing to me. He calls me beautiful and it just doesn't feel the same. I think that is in part because the trust is broken, it just feels like an empty complement. Also I feel like his complements feel like they are out of obligation. Like he knows he screwed up and he has to fix it. I don't want to feel this way. It bothers me quite a bit. It bothers me that when another man compliments me I find it means more now. That is just so sad. I am seeing just how deep the wounds between us are.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Fungia on August 24, 2016, 12:05:47 AM
Thanks for your story. I must confess that my addition cost me my marriage and a long term relationship.  Now that I have made the decision to truly break these chains, I look back at my life and the pain I caused two wonderful woman.  I am so ashamed and wish I had the skill and support when I was younger to deal with these things.  I just realize that I now have the opportunity to make good and hopefully find forgiveness. It is amazing that you can support your husband but I guess he needs to truly want to be free.  I started to exercise too and agree with you it makes dealing with things easier.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 24, 2016, 02:58:00 PM
Fungai
I am sorry to hear about relationships ruined due to P. I am sorry for you and the partners you lost. I am glad to see you are here and rebuilding yourself. I truly believe that no matter how far or where you are in life you can recover and that there is hope for a better tomorrow than yesterday. My husband is doing everything he can. I see the areas he is weak. I will admit that for some reason I lose respect for him in those moments and I am trying to be a better person. I should not see him in that light but rather see his effort. See him struggling and trying and love the effort. Its just hard when trust is broken. I am slowly realizing that in order for this to work I need the let go of my belief in fair. Nothing is fair about this situation. I didn't have this problem and lie but I am suffering for it. I need to be willing to realize he means more to me than fair and that I need to lay down my self righteous attitude to love him. Love, real love is bigger than one person. Its about putting yourself aside. I thing when we can start to see and demonstrate that we will all improve. P in not love, there is not room for love in P environments. There is not love in shame. If you can start treating people with love first and starting treating yourself with love then I do believe not only will you beat this P shit but you will find peace and be a truly happy person! You have my complete support! I am so happy to support anyone who wants more than this for their life because there is so much more to life than this!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Fungia on August 28, 2016, 07:52:35 PM
Thanks and i wish you and your husband well. You both will be blessed
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 29, 2016, 05:21:08 PM
Things are finally starting to feel normal again between me and the hubby. I am enjoying his company again. I am sad the see all the areas that this break in trust has affected us. Its everywhere. In our business when he says that he is taking care of something and I question weather it is really taken care of all the way to when we go to bed. If he stays up later than me my mind starts to wonder if he is staying up to view P. Here he is over 50 days in and I am still stuck there. I don't want to be the kind of person who has trust issues like this and I don't want to diminish his success. I know and understand it just takes time. Even the unintentional little lies feel so big and that is just silly. Something that has been helping is when I am feeling that way I tell him. I just bring it right up, so sugar coating about it. I know that it is probably hard for him to hear but honestly I feel so much better talking it through with him. He has said he appreciates being part of my rebuilding since he feel so responsible for this situation.

I have also been thinking a lot about that. I understand that he is the one who chose this addiction and chose not to tell me but I do feel responsible too. I don't have any logical reason for why I feel that way but I do. My heart breaks for him. The few friends we have told I have noticed have started treating him differently. Not all but a good part of them. It kills me to see them treat him the exact way he thought they would. I have also noticed how it has an effect on their relationships. All of a sudden any  of our friends that are pro porn feel this desire to defend it. Frankly I could care less. I just want to move past this. I want my husband to be healthy and I want to enjoy time with friends without this in the air. I regret telling any of them. O well the most important part is that my family is still together! That to me is a win! Everyday that we stay together P doesn't win.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 07, 2016, 01:09:01 PM
Well more time has passed. He is still doing well as far as no P is going and I can see how this rebooting process is working for him. He is physically working a lot better and I can see now how much of his confidence was attached to his sexual performance. I can't decide weather that is sad or not. We have sorta fell back into some routines as far as our day to day things go and I have had an interesting realization....this makes me scared. I am terrified of things going back to "normal". See I was lied to when things were "normal". I had no idea but during all of our best years of marriage in our routine he was lying to me. SO now anything that things settle down I get scared. It brings up all of my feelings of insecurities all over again. I feel like, "what else is he hiding right now?". If a healthy normal life terrifies me how can we have a good relationship? I am trying to trust him again. He is doing everything he can and he is quick to respond to anything I mention as being helpful but for some reason I still can't seem to get there. There is always this little voice in the back of my mind that feel like he is hiding something from me. Then there is the resentment. I don't want to be a person filled with resentment but I can't help but realize that he has spent a minimum of just under 3000 hrs with his dick in his hands! I have never spent that much time on something just for myself ever!!! Especially something that was at the expense of my family.  What was I doing during this masturbation and porn fest???? Raising kids, cleaning the house, working and basically serving everyone else. Its hard to not be upset about that. I'm wondering how long I am going to feel this way? How long can I live carrying this with me and at what point do these things rot away at my soul. I don't know how to let go of it as I so very much want to. I feel like he is the one with the addiction but it's the partners that pay the real cost.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 08, 2016, 12:18:35 PM
I really hate porn but I hate lying more. There is no love in lying. When one person lies they are robbing the relationship of authenticity. Two people can't fully and authentically love each other when one person withholds truth. Its just the way it is. I can see how much his heart is breaking with the realization of just how much hurt he has created in this relationship by being completely self centered. I know that we can weather this storm but man this is a shitty storm to weather!!! I also understand that it won't happen over night. I was coaching at a gym I work at and a lady had said she was trying to loose her baby weight. She was frustrated it was taking so long (3 months). I told her that it took 9 months to put it on don't expect to loose it in 9 days, that's not healthy. Well the same goes for this. He took 14+ years of us being together for him to create this wedge one can't expect it to be healed in 90 days. Just because his dick can work again in 90  days doesn't mean my heart will. That is going to be a longer recovery road for sure. I really hope that anyone who is struggling with porn addiction and has a partner can understand that. The reboot isn't just about PIED and the porn its about your family and how you have been associating or disassociating with them. You loose relationships when you turn to porn. You have to put in the work to rebuild them or you will loose them forever. It sucks to apologize all the time but when you add up all the times you PMO'ed well you can't expect it to be wrapped into one big I'm sorry and have it be all better. Hearts just don't work that way. Or at the very least mine doesn't. For that I am sorry. I really with it did. I love my husband so much but I am so incredibly hurt. I know it will get better, I just wish it didn't have to take so long.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: stillme on September 09, 2016, 09:16:56 AM
aquarius,
My husband and I am finding very good advice, support, and a plan with the books:

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner has been Unfaithful by Janis Spring and

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To also by Janis Spring

Both books have done a couple things for me recently - validated my feelings (and frustrations) and provided a realistic template for my husband and I to get back where we need to be (or not). It is helping us move on porn recovery to the things we need to put in place for marriage recovery. The biggest thing is that the books have allowed me to see I have a right to require restitution for my hurt and pain - he must prove his love and commitment with actions. Not just any actions, but ones I will feel are validated. The books are not one sided, they also address things I need to do to help rebuild. However, the scaled are fairly balanced, with the larger requirement being on his end. It continues with my thoughts - the person who broke it is responsible for fixing it.

Another thing I have gotten is a validation of my fluctuating feelings. This is normal - to go between hopefulness and despair, being all in to having apathy - those are all normal parts of the healing process.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 13, 2016, 10:56:42 AM
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: stillme on September 13, 2016, 01:06:03 PM
Stillme, Thank you for the book recommendations! I will defiantly be getting those.

I'm getting ready to head out of town again for a work trip. I am going alone! No husband, no kids, just me!!! I am so looking forward to a break from all of this, from life. I have 1 work meeting but I'm taking 5 days. There is a beach nearby and I plan on being on it!!! This is the first time I have completely done something just for myself in years. Usually when we do trips its for the entire family or with friends or something. This is just for me!!! I am so excited. I am no longer going to feel guilty (or at least I am going to try) about investing in myself. If he can spend all that time, all those years masturbating then I can start spending my own sort of me time. I am hoping to start investing in things that I have always wanted to do and figure out who I am on a deeper level. Thankfully my husband is supportive but honestly this wasn't a questions. I kinda just told him this is what I am doing, lol. I will admit that guilt feelings have arisen, like OMG I am spending money on myself. I feel bad, maybe I should try  to take the kids? Then I stop myself and realize I deserve this. Investing in myself will help me be more present to my kids. I am excited for this part of my recovery! And for margaritas on the beach!!!

That is awesome news! I am so glad you are doing this for yourself. Like you said, it is your turn. I have also started to do a few things for myself. At first it felt awkward, but realized it felt awkward because I was never doing anything for myself - just my husband and the kids (or work). My husband has also been supportive, and that does feel good. However, the bigger thing I realized is that 'not' looking out for myself put me in a bad situation for his porn use to affect me so deeply. So, we are doing a bit of a dance   he is pulling in towards me and I am pulling back a little bit. At first it felt odd, but it is slowly feeling more right. He was too far one way and I was to far the other way. We are finally finding appropriate balance, and I am finding my own identify.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 21, 2016, 11:07:27 PM
Well I'm home from a fantastic vacation/ work trip. It was so nice to get away. I feel like I have learned a lot of things. It was nice to get away from the drama. We have two kids (6 & 8) so the break from all of the parenting stuff was nice. My mind could actually focus and relax a bit. It was also nice to be on my own for a few days. I had to go to a few different cities and drive in a new places and as silly as it sounds I had a ton of anxiety about it. I feel like since my confidence has been in the dumps I have felt totally incapable. It was nice to go out on my own and realize I am more than capable of handling this and more. It felt good being on my own. I sounds terrible but it was also nice to see men check me out, lol. It reminded me that I am a completely attractive person who is more than capable of handling life on my own. I choose to stay with my husband, I am not stuck there. Also after a few days it was nice to actually have the feeling of missing him. There are lots of things I take for granted like when he brings me coffee in the morning. There are lots of little things that I noticed he does. It was nice to appreciate those things and actually just miss him. Another terrible thing to admit....it was nice to hear him struggle a little to handle the house and kids, lol. I do the rat race every day and I think that is something he takes for granted too. I think he finally got to realize how much I actually do. We both walked away from the experience realizing a little more about the other person and that was really healing. I so needed to get away and really reflect on everything. We did get into a big argument when I returned but we transitioned out of it much better than before. We have a lot of stress right now in our business and I think that just makes everything so much worse. It was really nice to sit on a beach and enjoy the moment for a few days. A few times there was even a part of me that wished he was there. In those moments I realized how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how glad I am to be choosing him even despite all this crap.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 23, 2016, 02:58:53 PM
Shame is such a funny thing. I am noticing how there are subtle things I do that my husband perceived as me shaming him, and subconsciously he may be right.  Its in the long breath that I take when I realize that he isn't getting hard when we are making out. It in the lack of interest I show in when he is getting dressed and I can see he is trying to be sexy. All of these things are so subtle that I honestly never even thought he noticed them but I am seeing now he did. I saw that as me loosing interest and respect for him. He is right. Its hard to find yourself super turned on no matter how sexy he is when you have experienced sexual disappointment so many times. Its like I don't even notice myself doing it. It has only been since this reboot has started that I am now noticing all of the ways my husband felt shame. I am so sorry for this. I feel terrible that I may have added to this issue. I know and understand that I didn't get here on my own. That it was a long history of things adding to where I am but still it hurts. I can see it in his eyes. He tries so hard to be something that I can lust after, respect, find attractive, and love madly. Honestly I just want him to be confident with you he is. I want him to be himself. That is the person I fell in love with. I have been trying lately to notice and correct my behavior. The first step is acknowledging and apologizing. I am realizing how I have some responsibility in his addiction and i am owning that. I know its not my fault but in some ways I didn't make it easy. I see how I may have been a difficult person to talk to. That doesn't excuse the behavior but it does help me understand a little more and allow for a higher capacity of grace for him. Hoping that our future can be better than our past!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 30, 2016, 01:46:29 PM
Well today is day 90 for my husband. It feels like just another day. Even he said he didn't feel like it was a big thing, lol. I think he has finally realized just how much hurt he has caused this family and he is realizing that it is going to take a lot longer than 90 days to fix that. I see that as progress, big progress! He has started seeing the need to invest in me and rebuild my confidence and self worth. That desire alone means so much to me! We added up the approximate amount of hours that he has M'ed over the past 13 years and it was pretty surprising to him. He couldn't believe just how much of his life he spent away from his family, lying and jerking off. I think see it like that was big for him. He has decided if he can spend that much time destroying his family that for the next 13 years he needs to invest that much time rebuilding it. He has encouraged me to take some art classes as that is something that really means a lot to me. I have always wanted to do it and we have always has some excuses not to spend the $. Well He is showing me that I am worth that.  We are talking more vacations (nothing big just camping and stuff) but mainly spending time as a family. It is actually really amazing.

If there are any PA's with spouses, partners or families out there. I encourage you to invest the time you were spending on yourself and put it back into your family and relationships. That is the first step in rebuilding.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 05, 2016, 03:22:37 PM
So far things are settling down. I have had a few things come up but I am managing them fine. One thing I have nocited is I am realizing that I am becoming less and less attracted to my husband. It really makes me sad but the longer this goes on the less I respect him. He hasn't relapsed or anything I just find that I am seeing him as weak a lot more. And for me that is one of the least attractive qualities out there. I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Johan on October 06, 2016, 12:53:44 PM
I am not sure how or what to do about it. I hope this changes. Boy is it difficult. I am trying to be supportive but I have noticed every time I have to give him a pep talk and motivate him I am secretly thinking that he is pathetic and weak. I know that makes me sound like a real bitch but it is the truth. Any ideas on what to do???

What you mean by saying "i am seeing him weak a lot more?" What he does or not do?

edit. oh you mean this http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10879.0
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 06, 2016, 04:22:02 PM
Johan,
I am noticing when he does small things that don't meet up to his word. Like when he says he wants to start working out 5 days a week or that he wants to accomplish certain things. When he doesn't follow through I see it as yet another example of him not being his word, lack of integrity. He says he wants to build my trust but him not being his word in these little things hurts any progress he has made. Then when I confront him about it instead of taking ownership for it he just gives excuses. That is the worst part. If you screw up own it, take responsibility and deal with it! Don't sit in stupid excuses, that is just not taking responsibility for your behavior as I see it. That to me is what weak people do when they don't want to dish out the real work. And the fact that I have to sit here and tell him its ok and give him a pep talk because his confidence is down is ridiculous. He has destroyed my self esteem and I don't ask him for a pep talk!

His PA has made me feel like crap about myself but I finally got to a place where I had to take responsibility for myself and my self image. I am the only one who should determine how I feel about myself! I am a cross-fit instructor part time and I decided that if I was feeling a but flabby in some areas then I need to work on them! To give myself a bit of motivation I am even entered into a power-lifting competition in a few months. Something I realized along the way is that I don't have a cut set of 6 pack abs. That is a diet issue. I eat pretty healthy but I do like wine and tacos from time to time. Instead of feeling sorry for my lack of awesome six pack I decided I like tacos more. I am going to own that and not complain about no six pack.

Its the same for him! Its all about where your priority is!!! If he really wanted to be his word then he could but he would rather sit is self pity! That is weak and unattractive. If he says he wants to sexually please his wife and when given the opportunity he just focuses on his PIED dick then he is basically choosing to feel sorry for himself over pleasing me. That is not something I can get behind. I truly believe that you accomplish in life whatever you make your priority. He is choosing that self pity is more important than recovery. That is just sad and yes I am loosing attraction to him as a result.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 07, 2016, 12:03:40 PM
Finally had another good talk with the hubs, lol. He agreed that he is choosing to sit in self pity and that is not a fun place to be. He doesn't know why its so hard for him to move out of it but it seems to be. We worked through some things and he has been working on some phrases that he can say to pull himself out of it. I am trying to help where I can. If he needs to be reminded that he doesn't need to feel sorry for himself but that he is choosing it, I can do that. It is his subconscious that fill his brain with shame so we need to start building healthy routines in his conscious and eventually with practice that will sink into his subconscious. I think it is sad that he is feeling this way but at the same time the first step is taking responsibility and ownership for it. Recognizing when he is being selfish and feeling sorry for himself and then choosing to take a different direction. I also told him the kids and I are not going down that depressing road with him. We are choosing to be healthy. I am no longer going to allow this to effect my self image and self worth and I will certainly not allow this to have a lasting effect on our children. We are choosing to have healthy boundaries, to respect each other, have integrity, see value in ourselves and others, and live life with joy! He can join us or sit in his pity. But if and when he is choosing shame and pity I will point that out to him kindly and if he chooses to stay there then he needs to go on a drive or do something on his own. We aren't going to allow this to have such a big impact on our family anymore. I did say if there is anything we can do to help to please communicate that because we love him and want him to get better but I will not sit and enable this behavior. I love him, I donot plan to leave but one thing I don't think he realizes is when he trashes himself and sees himself as a piece of crap then its insulting to me too. He is basically calling the person I value most in this world a piece of crap and insulting my taste in men. And by choosing to become that very thing is sad and not respectable. It makes staying with him difficult because that is not an attitude I would ever pick in a partner.

I really hope that PA's with SO's can understand when you shame yourself you are unintentionally shaming your partner too. Its important to pull yourself out of it not just for yourself but for them too!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Emerald Blue on October 12, 2016, 05:45:51 PM
My SO also gets stuck in the shame mindset. It's tough because it's like he turns even my feelings into his shame, as if how I feel about myself, my negative body image and low self esteem (as it was) is down to his behavior. Well.... yes and no. I would rather that I could say [the addiction behavior] happened and my response to [the loss of intimacy and his lack of interest in real sex] was .... and see it as MY feelings. I may have been reacting to circumstances and how I perceived the situation (bearing in mind it was all hidden from me) but that doesn't mean it's ALL his "fault". Then there's this weird attitude he has about masturbation, like being found out was the worst humiliation, and how undignified to be busted as a porn addict.

I said to him, please let go of this shame but he kept on insisting it was his behavior and his decision and if he hadn't got hooked on porn I wouldn't have been as broken as I eventually became. It's sort of true but how I felt about myself wasn't 100% down to him. Still, he couldn't get past it. The shame around masturbation was a bit strange too. Did he really think I didn't know what men did when they watched porn? I grew a bit impatient. I felt his shame was getting in the way of communicating and making progress, for both of jus. There has been no big turnaround but he seems to feel the shame less intensely. The fact that my self esteem and self image has improved might have helped him, but like you I get a bit impatient with it. I can't see why he is stuck there.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 13, 2016, 09:38:13 PM
EB, Shame is such a funny thing. I can't figure out how to fully wrap my mind around it. All I can think to do is move forward with my life. I am working on just being a person filled with peace and love. When my husband is in a rut I tell him he can choose to come out of it and be with us or go take a break because I feel like I have been unintentionally enabling his shame. The last thing I want to do in be an enabler. He really is a wonderful man with so much to offer but not when he is buried in shame and feeling sorry for himself.

I have had some ok days. Things are mellowing...well emotions are mellowing. Life is crazy, business, homeschool, soccer ballet and the list goes on. Thankfully my husband has been a lot more involved and attentive to helping out around the house. One area that I have noticed he has slowed a bit is in his interest for my recovery. I get it, if I look like I am doing fine then he doesn't think anything is going on and he doesn't think to check in. He is communicating his recovery fairly well and so far he is doing really great. He seems to be starting to come out of this tunnel of shame that he likes to hang out in, lol. I am glad because he is a lot nicer to be around. I talked to him about checking in more and he responded really well. At the moment I am very optimistic about us making it through this. Lets hope we can keep these good days going!

My new art classes are fantastic and it feels great to get out and be creative. It has helped me so much in so many ways. Also my hubby has started going to the gym and help spot me on my powerlifting training. Its nice to have his support and do this with him. I feel like we are finally sharing things together. It feels really good. I am finally enjoying spending time with him. I haven't felt that since D-day.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 17, 2016, 03:16:37 PM
Well the weekend was good. We had a great family day with the kids on Friday and my mom took the kids after the soccer game saturday so we had saturday night all to ourselves. My husband wanted to go out to dinner and celebrate all of the progress we have made not just with P but also in our business. We have had some big things come up and he has been really excited about lots of aspects of life. Seemed worth celebrating. He mentioned noticing that I seem different these days. That he is hoping we can get back to "normal". It hit me kind of hard. I finally was very clear with him that we will never be "normal" ever again. Its sad but one thing I have been becoming more and more aware of is the realization that I am mourning the loss of a piece of myself. It died on D-day and it will never come back. He is an amazing man. He is a good father, friends and for the most part a good husband. I have no intention of leaving and I do love him very much but I will never trust him again. The fact that he could deceive for as long as he did and I was played the fool make me realize not only can I not trust him but it has cause me to loose trust in myself and my own judgement. I am realizing that even if I were to leave it wouldn't be better elsewhere. I don't think I could be with anyone and trust them with the level of blind 100% trust that I used to view my husband with. I will always wonder if I am being played a fool again. The young and innocent idea of love and trusting your partner 100% seems naive to me now. I view it more as an unrealistic view on love. I was always transparent with him and he did not reciprocate and now I feel like everyone in this world is probably hiding something....even me now. I go to lots of efforts to keep my husbands reputation good even thought I know his truth. I don't want others to view him poorly. So yeah now I am just one more person in this world with a secret. I feel like in this process of helping him recover I have become some of the things I hated in him. That is really a sad awareness. I don't think it will go away either. I know we can enjoy each other and have a decent marriage but honestly I will always assume that he is hiding something from here on out. He lied to me for well over a decade without any intention of coming clean. He got caught, he did not confession his own. I do plan on staying with him. I am just adjusting to living this new life learning how to accept this new reality that I cannot trust anyone 100%.

I did tell him all of this. It seems like he is realizing more and more just how much things are different and how they can never be the same. There is no going back only moving forward into this unknown. I don't know what things will look like 10+ years but I know that I, and my marriage, are forever changed by this. It really saddens my heart.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 20, 2016, 02:44:37 PM
Well I have been staying busy and that really helps life move along without me focusing on negatives too much. I have been trying to keep more of a positive perspective on things. I can see that the awareness of my husbands addiction is really weighing on him. I am trying to appreciate that at least he is finally understanding just how much damage he has cause but I also don't want him to stay there so I have been trying to be a lot more encouraging to him. He has been so supportive to me and I am trying to reciprocate that now that I feel like I am finally in the place emotionally to do so. I have started thinking a lot about us and what our future looks like. What does a good marriage after porn look like? I know that things will never be the same but I really have no idea what a successful marriage after this experience is supposed to be. Are we living it right now? Is this as good as it gets? I have been analyzing what my hopes are for us and trying to figure out if they are realistic or not. Its a huge step that I am seeing and visualizing a future for us at all when I look at just how depressed I was just a few months back! I am proud of that.

Another thing that has come up lately is my desire to move. I know part of it is running away. We have confided in a few friends and some of those relationships are not the same. It has been unfortunate for both my husband and myself. Things are really awkward now and that has made healing more difficult for sure. I just feel like we are working on becoming a new couple and would like a fresh start. There are financial reasons that for our business it could be good to live in a different state with a more business friendly tax structure but honestly that would just be the excuse we use for our friends. Really I just want a fresh start but then again that feels like running away to some degree. Our family is here and it would probably cause more harm than good. Still I can't seem to shake the feeling of wanting to start over somewhere. Has anyone else ever thought about that?
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on October 20, 2016, 03:05:39 PM
What my husband insisted on was we got married on our 30th anniversary again.  We did it with just family and grandkids read our vows to us.  It was a good thing.  We also bought a new bedroom set.  He was a tv user and I told him by using in our room while I was away let these women in our private personal space.  That really go to me.  Soooo we did that and it was enormous help.  Also he had a chair in the living room where he would sit after work until I went to bed.  He now sits on the couch with me.  He sits in the recliner occasionally but now sits with me.  Those things made a great difference for me.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 21, 2016, 03:47:02 PM
Thanks Gracie! Those are good suggestions. I think for me being as stubborn as I am the biggest thing I need to do is genuinely learn to let go. My husband is working so hard to make me feel better. He would do literally anything. He hasn't relapsed and has been communicating so much more. I am just having a hard time letting go and fully accepting his apology. Its hard. I feel like I have to consciously choose forgiveness almost every hour of every day. I know that by not letting go I am suffering more and so is he. I see it is hindering our progress together and that makes me sad. I am learning that this is a problem I have. He is responsible for the P but this stubborn streak I have isn't helping anyone. That is something I really need to work on. I am understanding just how hard it is to forgive when the hurt is so great and you are in the "right" about it. It is so hard to let go and move on. Sex is getting better and that does help. He is doing so many things and really becoming the man that I have always wanted and believed him to be. Actually he is way more attentive so he is doing even better than before D-day, lol. Its my turn to put in the hard work and learn to be more forgiving. Sometimes in life we are called to forgive even the big offenses and I am realizing the only way I and my marriage can heal is if I do.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 23, 2016, 01:03:25 PM
Life is hard. I feel like the longer I am going through his reboot process the more difficult it is getting. He is doing a lot better. I can see he is becoming the person that I have always wanted him to be but I am not. I feel like he is bettering himself and I am getting worse. I don't trust people anymore. I can forgive his porn addiction but I don't trust him and not sure I ever will 100%. Frankly I am not sure I will trust anyone 100% ever again. I feel like he has deceived me for so long I no longer trust my judgment anymore. I assume that everyone is hiding something and they all have a hidden agenda. I am noticing that I am seeing the worst instead of who I was before, an optimistic to the core. I feel like I am in Oz and someone just pulled the curtain on the wizard. I see the truth now and I can't un-see it. I feel like I am realizing that I was ignorant before, foolish really. Now I see the way people really are. Honestly I was happier before and I carry anger at my husband for this experience. I am over the P but the deception has made me a worse person. That I am upset about and I don't really know how to move out of it. I don't know how to get beyond this point. I want our family to be happy again. I just feel like I am living in a chronic state of functioning depression and it just sucks. Any advise? I just can't get over the fact that he is the one who became addicted to P and somehow he comes out a better person and I feel like I just get the shit end of the stick. I am a very "fair" person and its so hard to let go of that because there is nothing fair about this. The partners of a PA just get the shit end of the stick!

Advice and thoughts would be greatly appreciated because I am really needing them right now.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 02, 2016, 02:39:08 PM
Well more times passes. We decided to take the kids on a work trip with us. We had a good time as a family and it felt good to be a family. I was glad to notice that the kids are good. I feel like so far they have weathered this storm pretty well. That makes me so glad because as a mother I worry about them so much! On our marriage recovery note its just the same. Nothing better or worse but stagnate. I am learning to just live with this feeling of un-trusting. I am learning to live with this as my new normal and I am realizing that it is making me depressed. So much so that I spoke yesterday with my husband about getting on some depression medication. I just feel unhappy all the time and frankly I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel. I am tired of feeling sad and feeling like a worse person while watching my husband become an amazing man. I feel like less of a person all the time. Not really sure how to turn it around.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 03, 2016, 06:52:19 PM
Another day. My hubby has been working out of town most of today and I have been getting the house stuff done. I was doing laundry and came upon the panties I found him masturbating to, the ones that weren't mine. He wanted to get rid of them after D-day but for some weird reason I kept them. I can't seem to let go of them. Its like they are a reminder for me of everything. Anyway it wasn't great and I ended up going through all the computers to make sure nothing has been viewed recently. For some illogical reason I feel like he has been M'ing. We haven't has sex in a while and he hasn't seemed in the mood. He says its a flatline but I have this nagging feeling that its something else. I feel like I am going crazy. I really hate this lack of trust I have for him Its hard to be married to someone you don't trust. How is this going to work?
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 04, 2016, 02:37:44 PM
Hey, I've read through your whole journal. So much of it rings true for me. Even the part about wanting sex with someone that finds you desirable. I would love nothing more right now than to be taken by a man who is just totally into me. Sex with hubby feels contrived and awkward. Plus all the memories of our past sex life feel like a sham as well. Oh well, I did think about cheating, I even threatened it at one of my low points (told him I know where sex addicts go for hooks ups and that I could likely find someone by tomorrow to shag), but I won't and don't really want to, it would make me feel worse and my reason was for revenge as he has no issue with me watching porn I needed to ramp it up something he does feel is cheating.

The rest rings true as well though at the start I had shock but also hopefulness. Then I spiraled into a pit of depression and extreme anxiety. I've gone on meds for that and feel more stable but now it's like the reality of everything is really setting in and it feels like this heavy weight dragging me down and I just see no end to the unhappiness and uncertainty.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 04, 2016, 08:30:47 PM
Cupatea, I completely understand that heavy feeling. My husband is well over 100 days. I have stopped counting. I trust him to not look at porn anymore. He feel so terrible about the entire thing that I think the thought of it just makes him sick. I don't want to be upset anymore. I wish I could just let it go but every time I go even just to the grocery store I run into another person that my husband used to PMO to. It brings everything up all over again. I feel like I just want some space from this tiny town to heal our marriage.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 05, 2016, 07:24:24 PM
Well the kids went to my moms house for the night after a soccer game this morning. We have been working on some construction projects around the house. I had went to HomeDepot to get some things and the ever so helpful man working there was such a jerk!!! He kept saying things like "I'm sure if you show your husband he can figure it out" and crap like that. Also anything that was over 10lbs he wanted to find someone to carry for me. I finally had to tell him that I can probably lift more than him and that I will be doing the work. I know what I need and he doesn't need to give me instructions! My project is non is his damn business I just needed to find a few items! That I taught my husband to weld and have an entire fabrication shop in our garage so I think I can handle a few power tools! I have no idea why this bothered me so much but it really pissed me off to be treated like some dumb woman. He kept looking at my ass and boobs the entire time like I wasn't even a person. I think men should really evaluate how they look at women. We know when we are being ogled!!! (note I know its not all men, but this guy really had a problem)
Sorry to vent it just really pissed me off, lol!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 06, 2016, 03:26:35 AM
Urgh sounds like a disgusting encounter on many fronts, can understand why it annoyed you so much.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on November 06, 2016, 10:45:29 AM
Stereotypes abound.  I remember when I was in early 20s and weighed 110, I worked at a very physical job.  I would arm wrestle men and beat them.  Gave me great pleasure!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 08, 2016, 05:50:13 PM
Well my husband and I talk quite a bit the last few days. We talked about not just his actions but how they have impacted me, our kids and our entire family dynamic. I told him I am committed to figuring this out. He said he is absoutly committed too and will do whatever it takes. As much as he will probably never know the pain this experience has cause in me I think I will probably never understand the amount of remorse that he is experiencing knowing, seeing and experience the aftermath of his actions. I feel like this addiction has but us at odds with each other and we are trying to hard to be on the same side and support each other but there is this big line between us. Physically things are better. We are communicating more and learning different things about each other. I am trying to be more patient with him as he still continues to off and on struggle with PIED. I think part of it is just the anxiety of preforming. I can see that he so wants to make me happy and he just feels terrible.

We talked about moving and both agreed that it would be nice but in the end he said with our business it just wouldn't be doable right now. Maybe in a few years we could but not at this time. I appreciated that he considered but in the end it probably is the right choice. I am just going to have to learn how to deal with these emotions as they come up. Its hard when I am out and about and constantly seeing friends that I know he PMO'd to several times a day. I just continue to hope that time will help. Its been almost 6 months since D-day. In someways it feel like a while ago and in other ways it feels like just last week. Seeing reminders daily doesn't help. In the positive ways I am more committed to my marriage. At first I really wanted to leave, then I decided I wanted to stay but I just wasn't sure if it could ever work. Now I am resolved to stay. I am committed to this marriage and family and I don't want to see porn tear us apart. I am hopeful that years from now we will have better ways to communicate as a result of this experience.  I just need to take it one day at a time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 09, 2016, 01:00:38 AM
Sounds like you are making progress. Have you read Paula Halls partner book? I was rereading it on Monday as she has a section on how to deal with triggers. I got triggered yesterday as I found a mag in the garage, it was old and covered in dust so hadn't been looked at for a while but still i got all the feelings from d-day triggered back up and also was annoyed because I had asked him if he had any mags and he had said no. Yesterday he said he forgot he had it and hasn't looked at it for years, probably true as it was dated 2007 and was at the bottom of a stack of mags the others being gardening etc ones. I asked him to go through all the rest though and chuck anything out, so he found an FHM and a tattoo mag that had a few semi nude women in it (also had semi nude men). I managed to use the stuff that Paula Hall talks in her book about though to stop it hijacking me totally, she talks about a trigger cycle and interrupting it. It's hard, but I feel it's the first time I've been triggered and dealt with it in a healthy way. I also saw his morale drop when I confronted him with the mag and could see he was thinking "of fucking shit here we go again", especially as we had only just come out of another low point. He's taking these sorts of things more seriously now and not just trying to tell me it's nothing, meant nothing, isn't that bad, every bloke does it, yadda yadda yadda.

Kinda had to laugh and despair though, the mag had written under the title "the true gentlemen's magazine" and inside it was like everything was pitched at 15 year olds, all boobs and dickheads doing stupid shit and then a bunch of porno/cam girl ads at the back(was not a hardcore porno mag, more a stupid lads mag), but I'm like there is nothing gentlemen like about any of it. "The true nobheads magazine" might have been more on point. I despair that I'm with a bloke that would look at a piece of shit magazine like that, it's so goddamn juvenile.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 10, 2016, 02:46:55 PM
Cupatea, I hear you! Magazines are the worst. Even the ones for girls are almost preparing them for P. Its pretty bad. I am trying to practice slowing my breather when I start to feel something trigger my emotions and they start to feel overwhelming. I have been try to just focus on my breathing and then try to find a reasonable excuse for me to leave where I am at and take some time. I try to tell myself that this is only a trigger to my pain and that the emotion I am experiencing isn't a real representation of the current situation but just a trigger response to pain that is now here now. I have been mentally practicing this most of the morning because I was at the gym. One of the girls there (who is a friends, although i have been distancing quite a bit these days) was a big deal when I looked at the history on my husbands facebook PMO material. Every time I see her all I can picture if him with his pants at his feel and his dick in his hands. Today my husband came to the gym with me and it was a partner workout so we were doing it together. I tried really hard to not be consumed with worrying about him staring at her or wanting to. Even when he isn't staring I just feel like he wants to. Like he wants to take in her experience to MO later. So finally I just took a break and went to the bathroom and focused on my breath and calmed myself down. The hurt didn't leave but it felt manageable and I didn't end up crying in front of everyone or anything.

Tonight I also have a birthday party that I have to go to. I have been canceling on a lot of things and my friends are starting to notice. So I promised I would be there. There are going to be 5 friends and 4 of them are on his PMO list. So I am just trying to get myself in a good head space and I will try to only have 1 drink. Getting buzzed doesn't help the situation at all! We have told a few friends about his PA but we have never mentioned the FB part. That just doesn't seem like a good idea.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 10, 2016, 03:43:27 PM
We haven't told anyone and I don't plan to, can't cope with that idea. I've also cancelled heaps of plans and people were noticing so I told them about my anxiety and depression so they know that's going on but not really why. I've also told a few close friends about my abuse from the past so I can get help with that. But pretty much totally alone with the porn stuff, except on here and with my counselor.
Dealing with knowing he was looking at friends must be so hard.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 10, 2016, 04:09:47 PM
Cupatea, Yes it is the hardest part of this entire process. Knowing that my husbands wasn't just looking at Porn to MO but also looking at images of my closest friends is absoutly the hardest part. I have talked with him about it quite a bit. He is beyond sorry and I also know that somehow in his mind he felt that by looking at FB and not hard core P it was better but personally I just feel like it has made the situations so much worse. It took the PMO from "porn stars" which feels far away and brought it home to my own personal friends. Not only do I feel all the feeling of rejection but they are pitted against my friends. Like he prefers them to me. Also I can't seek support from them because well can you just imagine if some of your friends told you their husband liked to masturbate to images of you that you posted on FB? I just don't see that going over well, lol.

One thing I have come to realize. My husband is sorry, beyond sorry. I know that I am pretty sure he is being honest when he says he doesn't do it anymore and doesn't even want to. He tell me every day how much he loves me, how he thinks I am beautiful, and just about anything else that he can think of to reassure me that I am the center of his attention. I just am not yet able to fully believe it. I want to so much. I just feel so small every time I see my friends. I don't want to continue hurting. I would love to be able to just move on and be over this but I'm not. I know time will help.

I believe in God and I believe that when you marry you truly become one. So I am suffering for his actions, it doesn't make it fair but we are one person in the eyes of God and the suffering is for both of us. This part I get to experience. His suffering seems to come with the realization that he has to watch me suffer and he can't fix it. He caused this pain and it can't just fix it overnight. I do see in him that he is suffering with that too. So we get to experience hurt together. I am  hoping as the years progress it will get less and less and we can be stronger and stronger but for today it just hurts.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 11, 2016, 08:38:07 PM
Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on November 11, 2016, 08:42:35 PM
Well work have been getting even more busy than normal. I think it has been good for me to be staying busy. We have decided after exhausting conversation that we are going to move after all. I am excited about it. We will be moving out of state so its a pretty big deal. Fortunately this will not only be beneficial to our marriage (hopefully) but also a huge step for our business as we will be moving to an area where we will be able to reduce out overhead expense quite a bit. I am thankful that my husband is standing by me and supporting me through this. I am nervous about a moving to a new place and meeting new people but a fresh start is going to be very helpful. There is so much to do as far as planning, we have to sell our house and everything, but I am finally getting excited about the future!

Excellent! Sounds very promising! I'm very excited for you.  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 11, 2016, 08:45:49 PM
Oh that is exciting, sounds like a positive step for a few reasons  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 14, 2016, 06:05:31 PM
Moving is a lot of work but I am so excited about it! I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It still hurts to see people all the time but at least I can tell myself that it won't be for much longer! I am thankful to be able to restart our family and our marriage.

Something at has been bothering me lately, not too much but it is just something that nags at me. Its some of the men on this forum. I feel so sad for the men with SO's who choose not to tell them. They have all kinds of excuses but the reality is that it is sad. Not only from a partners perspective that they have a right to know, and that honesty is a foundation to a relationship. It's more that they are just hurting themselves and making the reboot even harder. When I look at my husband and hear what motivates him its me in a lot of ways. When he fully realized just how much porn has had an impact on our family and our marriage realizing and seeing that hurt in me has completely changed the way he views porn. Its like seeing and fully owning his actions has made him completely turned off of it. He now associates porn with hurt and pain and its not appealing in any way. When these men choose not to tell their SO's they are robbing themselves of complete ownership of their actions and behaviors and from possibly the biggest motivation to quit. It feels like such a cop out.

I don't mean to be judgemental and I have tried to see thing from their perspective but I am really struggling to understand why they would choose more lies.  Are there any men who can lend some insight? 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 14, 2016, 07:03:48 PM
I see it as an extension of the addictive behaviour and thinking. Feeling that it's still ok to lie and deceive. I doubt many succeed at beating the addiction whilst they still operate that way, more likely that they just white knuckle abstinence and then relapse. It would be interesting to hear of anyone who has managed to recover whilst still lying, i just can't see it though personally.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 17, 2016, 01:35:51 PM
How's the moving plans going. Do you have a date for when you leave?
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 17, 2016, 03:33:36 PM
Hey thank you Cupatea for checking in! The moving plans are coming together. We are actually moving across the country. Its crazy but it ended up being the best opportunity for our business. We are flying out in two weeks to go check everything out. We own a start up lighting company and work with a vendor over there so being closer to him will help a lot and the fresh start will be a huge help to us and our family. We won't be able to actually move till probably March sometime as we have to finish a few things on our house and sell it. We will have to rent to start as we don't want to buy a house we haven't seen in person, lol. So there is just so many details to go over.

Right now we are on a trip out of town on an install in Sonoma (wine country). We drove down and took the time to talk about things. We are doing better but I think there are a few things that I will probably never get over and never understand. I am just trying to lean how to be ok with not understanding everything. I am starting to enjoy his company more and trying to focus on the future and the moment instead of focusing on the past. Its hard....really hard. I still have a difficult time understanding why it took him breaking his penis from porn overdose to get his attention. Using another woman's underwear to masturbate with repeatedly for years wasn't enough, viewing pictures of my friends while stroking his penis for over a decade wasn't enough. Only after realizing that it was the reason he had to take pill just to get hard did he finally start to work on things. He didn't even tell me, I had to come across panties 2 weeks later, he still wasn't ready to be honest. I have tried to put myself into his shoes but I just can't understand what would justify him to sit down in front of a computer, pull his dick out, grab his secret panties, search for just the right picture, and stroke himself until he orgasm. And repeat this process for an average of 6-8 hrs a week for over a decade of marriage. Its actually mind blowing to me. I am trying to get over this but it really doesn't make any sense. He is doing everything he can to not only beat this but also to support me. I ask him about it and why he would think that was ok to do, how he was able to justify that behavior for so long. Even he says he has no idea. I just don't understand. Knowing that he could just lie like that so for many years and do some pretty (sorry for my judgement and language but) pretty fucked up shit! Its so unsettling to me. I feel like I am one of those women that don't know they are married to a serial killer, lol. In all honesty he really is a great guy, good father, and he does love me very much. I just can't shake the questions of what is it that I don't know? Really hoping that this feeling will fade when I am not daily reminded of it by seeing all of my friends everyday. I know there will never be any official "closure" as long as I stay with him and I love him. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with this feeling.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 21, 2016, 05:57:02 PM
Well back to the grind. I am home and realizing just how much this experience has changed me. In some ways I have grown. I am better at handling situations and not blowing up. I communicate more and I am more aware of my emotions, but in other ways I am so much worse. I feel like I get overwhelmed a lot easier. I work thought the overwhelm better but still I get overwhelmed much faster than I used to.  It is more of an emotional experience and the emotion is hard for me. I notice I am quite to put myself down more and if I am being completely honest I still have a lot less self worth than I used to. I know logically that I have worth, I know I am the only one that can controller this and yet it is almost an irrational thing. I just don't feel like I am worth anything. I don't see myself as attractive or worthy of love. I want to! I just don't. I have been trying to talk myself into it for a while but its hard. I feel like I am constantly reminded of the refection and realization that I do not hold my husbands attention. I know he loves me very much and says he is attracted to me, I just don't feel like he is "in love" with me. I bothers me because when I heard women talk like this before I would have been so annoyed but now it is totally me. This is the way I feel. It makes no sense. I just feel like my heart has been shattered. I really thought that by now I would have started feeling better than this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 23, 2016, 08:50:00 PM
Another thing I have noticed is how much my husband has changed. He really is slowing becoming the person I hoped him to be. There are still plenty of upsets but overall he is doing amazingly well. He hasn't relapsed and he really is trying to help me. I am not sure that anything will help except time. I keep coming back to the thought that it took 13+ years of lying to ruin this relationship, it will take most likely years to rebuild it. One thing that helps is knowing how committed he is to the process. I don't feel rushed to recover or judged if I am not where I should be. I just feel supported and that is really good.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 25, 2016, 04:29:48 PM
Things are crazy but I am glad that I am managing them better. I am so excited for this move. We are supposed to go see more friends for a game night tonight. Of course there will be a few ladies that were on my hubby's M list. I can feel the anxiety build but now I just remind myself that this won't be for much longer. I will have some space soon. I don't want to be mad at my friends, as its really not their fault at all. I just want some space so I don't have to constantly think about this whole thing every time I leave my house.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 28, 2016, 02:28:00 PM
How did your game night go? I can only imagine how hard it must all be.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 28, 2016, 07:08:07 PM
Hey Cuppatea, thanks for checking in! Um game night went ok...sorta, lol. I didn't do anything that would make them suspect but I defiantly drank my discomfort, lol. Over a bottle of wine in discomfort. I held everything in while at their house but as soon as I got in the car I was just fuming. I got a little feisty and not in a playful way. My hubby got pissed and we both went to bed without talking. I am going to limit myself to one drink when out in public and even at home for that matter because drinking just brings the upset more to the surface.

Lately I have just been feeling so stuck. This sounds terrible but I think I am actually jealous of my husbands progress and recovery. I can see how much he is improving and becoming a better person and I just feel like I am more negative, cynical and unhappy. I don't want to become a resentful crappy person but I don't know how to get out of it. We are working on moving and starting over to the best of our abilities. I can see he is doing everything possible and I do love him. I just feel so stuck.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on November 29, 2016, 02:27:42 PM
I have to limit alcohol too, I use to abuse it quite a bit in my younger years (binge drinking, and far too often), I found recently if we have any in the house I can't seem to stop at once glass. I think it's cos the first one helps me feel a bit better, then it's tempting to drink some more but of course you reach that tipping point where it just makes all the bad shit come to the surface. It's also suppose to be good to avoid alcohol when you have ptsd.

With you being stuck have you thought about doing counseling for yourself? This is all so much to go through, I don't think I could have coped without my counselor to talk to, she's really helped me deal with my emotions and she gives me the empathy that he can't. It's not a great substitute, but it is something, someone that gets it and knows how to respond and also how to help me peel back my own layers.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 05, 2016, 02:56:35 PM
Well I haven't been on for a while. My hubby and I flew out to the town where we are planning on moving to (we have never actually been there so we thought it might be a good idea, lol!) It feels a little crazy. For our business it makes perfect financial sense. Lots of opportunities and a much lower cost of living. Explaining it to friend and family is not problem for those reasons. We spent a lot of time driving around the town and really checking it out. While we were doing that I was thinking emotionally as to how I was feeling and it was really an interesting experience. Only when I was consciously choosing to take stock of my emotions did I think about my husbands PA. There were no reminders constantly in my face. There were no friends who I have an emotional attachment to that he used to PMO to for me to feel hurt from. I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears every time we went out in public. In fact I felt the urge to be affectionate towards him. I felt really connected and enjoyed holding his hand on walks, making sure to sit extra close so our legs would touch. I just felt in love with him. It was fantastic to be reminded just how much I love him. I even thought about a few of my old friends and the realization that I won't be seeing them all the time, there was a part of me that knew I would miss them. It felt good to know I was going to miss them. I want to feel that and not be focusing on my husband masturbating to them. It just felt great to get some space. I felt like I could breath finally. Like we could be a family, a normal family. I didn't feel inferior to the other ladies I met there. I wasn't analyzing them and thinking about how my husband would prefer to masturbate to them instead of have sex with me. I just felt normal, and loved even. His willingness to do whatever it takes for us to be healthy has meant to world to me. The biggest thing I notices is that I didn't feel angry. I just felt relief and happy.

Now I know that it won't be like that every day. There will still be triggers and there was one when we were there. We went to tour a shop and on the back on the bathroom door was a calendar with skimpy ladies on it. It reminded me that we can move to get space from my friends that he PMO'd to but you can never escape P. I did watch him when he used the restroom to see what he would do. He didn't pay any attention to it when he walked by. I don't even think he knew I was watching. I asked him later and he said he just ignores that stuff. It didn't bring up old baggage or anything. I felt like we were moving to a new level in this process. I felt like it was a successful trip both for our business and for us.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: cuppatea on December 07, 2016, 01:40:23 PM
Sounds like a really positive step for you both and your family. That's a great step with your friends as well, being able to think about the friendship foremost.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 08, 2016, 12:31:19 PM
Well overall things are getting better. I have been focusing on the true concepts of forgiveness and working on truly forgiving him. I know he is sorry, I know if he could he would go back and change everything, but we can't do that. All we can do is work forward. I feel like I have all of this hurt in me an I don't know how to get it out and let it go. I think the act of consciously telling myself that I am forgiving him, this hurt will slowly fade. The concept of justice and restitution have been in my head and I am realizing that those are human concept that aren't real. We humans have decided that they exist but in reality if you look at nature, thing are fair. This world isn't a "fair" place, its broken. I am a christian not in a religious sense but in a true relationship. I don't abide by rules but I choose to live for a purpose. I am learning how to carry that into this healing process. I am learning that if I hold my husband to the standard of what is fair, I am the one who suffers the most. This situation is not fair. If I wanted him to "pay" then my children would pay too  by living in an environment with that hostility. Our relationship would never heal and in the end I would still never feel even and better. You cannot erase this hurt and there are no works that can heal it. Only forgiveness will allow me to let go and have peace. If I choose to constantly analyze his past behavior and elevate myself above him. By telling myself that he did this and I would never (even though these are the facts) if I harp on them I start to build an entitlement in my heart. That just brings division into our relationship and that too will create the same horrid environment for our family and do nothing to help my healing. So I choose love. I need to take the example set before me and humble love and serve my husband, trusting that God will come along side me and fill in when I am empty. I need to trust that my choosing to forgive and love that the pain will fade and be replaced by peace. I know that this is a daily choice and it is very difficult. I am not becoming a doormat, I am not enabling, I am not serving out of fear. I am doing so out of love, for my husband, for our family and for  myself. This I believe is what we are call to do. Through this process I hope to fall in love with him again and for the first time. He is a new man and I feel pretty changed myself. I hope our new selves will love each other more fully than the previous ones.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on December 08, 2016, 01:36:25 PM
Beautifully put, Aquarius. And very wise.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 08, 2016, 08:10:52 PM
I don't know a bout wise but thank you for the kind words.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 12, 2016, 03:16:14 PM
Well over the weekend we participated in a marriage workshop Friday and Saturday. It was put on by a local church and it was called The Art of Marriage. It was really great to connect. It gave us a roadmap of some good questions to ask and some great things to think about. Overall I felt that we were already starting a lot of the things they were suggesting and it was good confirmation to know we are on the right track. It was nice because they didn't have group conversations but we would just have conversations with our partners, that way we didn't have to talk all about our crap with everyone. I really appreciated the privacy! The biggest thing I took away was how much I really do love my husband and how incredibly important forgiving his is, not just for him but for me too. Half way through we had to write each other love notes and it was really nice to hear and read his heart. I will treasure that letter forever! I feel like we aren't over this and we still have a long way to go but lately we have been having more good days than bad and I am really appreciating that.

On a completely different note the weekend took an unexpected turn sunday when we had to rush our cat into an emergency vet hospital for surgery. He had been bit about a week ago and it was healing great but apparently he had developed an abscess. Yuck!!!! His skin started turning blue.....like a smerf situation for real! Of course the kids were upset. They had to do surgery and now he is home with 16 stitches and lots of morphine. The look of the stitches creeps me out!!! Like super yuck!!! I am glad that I have my husband who is able to be strong that the things I am not. We do make a good team. Now if I could just get this stupid cat to lay down and sleep! He keeps wanting to walk everywhere and he keeps bumping into everything because of his cone of shame! I am thinking to glue some festive holiday garland to it just to make him look more ridiculous. Is it bad that I kinda love him wearing this thing? It's so funny and after $800's of vet bills I feel like I could use a good laugh, lol. I know I am horrible.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on December 12, 2016, 03:30:01 PM
Sounds really positive and promising, Aquarius. I'm so happy for you guys!  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 14, 2016, 12:23:52 PM
Boy this cat thing is really taking my time. In addition to all the other craziness of the holidays we have my son's birthday on the 16th, our wedding anniversary on the 17th, and now I have to feed my cat by hand and syringe feed him water because with this cone of shame he can't really get to the bowls. I also have to do hot and cold compresses 3 times a day and give him pain meds and antibiotics too. O man its nuts! On the plus side I am pretty happy to see we are making it to our anniversary. There was a few weeks there where I wasn't sure if we would to be honest. It will be officially 13 years of marriage and 15 years together. I was really young when we got married (20). I don't think either of us really knew what we were getting into but I am glad to see that we have come this far. Hoping that 2017 is full of a lot more joy and happiness than 2016!

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 15, 2016, 01:29:10 AM
Hey thanks, Just_Keep_Swimming! Yes it has been nuts but overall its getting better. I am learning that the first step is up to me and my attitude is my own responsibility. I can't control my husband but I can control myself and I can choose the quality of life I want to live. It has made such a big difference in my daily life! I hope that you are doing well also! Many blessings on your holidays and may 2017 be a year of re-connection with you and your partner!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 19, 2016, 02:23:02 PM
So an update on the cat front. These cones of shame make it very difficult for him to move around, feed himself, or do much of anything. Its been crazy. I have to syringe feed him water, hand feed him food and help him with just about everything, lol. This is a lot of work for a cat and during the holidays no less! Ahhh! We are hanging in there though and it looks like he is going to be fine. He gets the stitched out tomorrow and it couldn't come soon enough!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 27, 2016, 02:47:11 PM
Well another Christmas has come and gone. Our cat is still in his cone of shame. We took him in and it just wasn't healing quite like they hoped so he has two more weeks and then if it still isn't there they are going to do another surgery. He is becoming a very expensive cat, lol. Overall Christmas was ok. The kids had a great time and my mom enjoyed having them stay at her house for a few extra days. We finally told the entire family that we are moving and it looks like it will be at the beginning of March when we load the truck. We found a house and are in the process of selling ours. I had a head cold on Christmas and asked my hubby for some decongestant. After I took them I started feeling super tired and found out he gave me the night time stuff. So I spend most of Christmas day in a fog. It was super frustrating because I really wanted to visit and see my family but I kept needing to go take little cat naps.

On Christmas eve when we were driving to my moms we got in a discussion that kindof dampened my mood with my hubby and I. I am trying to stay positive but I also must be honest that my feeling are still very hurt by this whole thing. It comes down to the fact that I am not his first choice. I just feel a bit unwanted. When we married I chose him. I desired him and he was my pick. He was what I wanted. After realizing everything about his addiction and how long it has gone on for I just feel really rejected. He never wanted me first. I was never his first choice. He always had porn. The women in his porn are better looking, skinnier and more of what he desires. At least that is how I feel. I feel like a consolation prize. I know he loves me very much but I don't feel like he lusts after me. He lusted after porn. I feel like second best. That really hurts. He says that isn't the case and he feels different now and that he does find me very attractive but the words loose their meaning when his actions show otherwise for a very long time. I think it also makes sex less exciting because the entire time I just feel like the consolation prize. I don't want to be anyone's second best. I want to be desired. I want to be their first pick. The funny thing is at this point I don't think he would be my first choice either because I wouldn't choose a porn addict. I feel like we are repairing the friendship but this part of the marriage is deeply wounded. I just really hurts to feel so rejected by the one person who meant the most to you. No matter what they say now it doesn't change the fact that it happened. Whats done is done. Now we just have to deal with the consequences together.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 28, 2016, 04:57:47 PM
Just_Keep_Swimming, I had a talk with him today and we talked about this. He was trying to explain that he is attracted to me and I told him how its hard to believe considering the past behavior. He understood that completely and finally we both came to the realization that we just have to keep moving forward. We can't change the past. I know he is sorry and regrets his choices but we are here now. The only thing he can do is start doing what he can to make me feel like I am his choice now. I might not believe it at first but my hope is over time I can start to believe him. That is the only think I could think of to do. Just keep moving forward. I certainly don't want to go back.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on December 28, 2016, 06:08:13 PM
That is what we decided too, keep going forward.  We had a discussion about what caused the porn choice.  He said deaths in family.  I said so somebody dies and you think naked women?  I do not get that.  And I never will.  I had to take care of family stuff over a few months and he thought I chose that over him.  He thought he was losing me so that was why he chose porn.  Don't get that either.  Then you wonder is that the truth or handy excuse?  He did cry and say he almost threw it all away.  So in 15 years he never thought he was throwing it away.  Really?  So much hurt so lttle explanation or answer to why.  So move forward, keep talking and keep loving and accept the new relationship.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 29, 2016, 08:13:06 PM
Gracie, thank you for the supportive words. Yes I agree, every time I dwell on the past I can literally feel all the hurt all over again. It consumes me for days. I have to choose to move out of it and start focusing on all the work being done in the present to allow my mind to move out of the funk. I know I need to ask him to be more verbal about his feeling for me but for some reason asking someone to compliment me ruins the compliment. Its like forcing a kid to apologize, it just doesn't feel sincere. I just want him to tell me on a regular basis for a bit how much I do mean to him and that he does find me attractive and I don't want to have to beg for spell it out for him. I feel like he should naturally want to say these things to me. When he doesn't it just makes me feel like maybe he doesn't feel these things. I am seeing just how raw, vulnerable, fragile, and insecure I still am. Long way to go in my recovery.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on December 30, 2016, 09:27:34 PM
We all feel that way.  It is harder for us I think in the long run.  So many things as time goes on are explained by the addiction.  And it is overwhelming.  Today on a program I watch a man said what he thought when he saw a young girl.  (Sexual).  My husband asked if I was okay and I said no.  You thought this too.  You fantasized about them touching you and you touching them.  You could look at a picture and be turned on, you had them hidden.  Then you took away my sex life.  For 15 years less and less sex.  While they got more and more. 

And, I still love him.  We have rules and boundries.  But it is such hard work.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: mobilfreak on December 30, 2016, 10:49:00 PM
Me and my wife read the book "the five love languages". It made big difference in our marriage.

Can highly recommend it!

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 31, 2016, 03:08:07 PM
Yes I have read the love languages book. The funny thing is through this process my love languages have changed a bit. I have always been an acts of service and quality time. I never used to need words of affirmation or gifts or anything. Now I am finding that I do need those things very much. Its a weird feeling as I am not used to needing this. I really think it boils down to needing to be pursued by him. Needing to know that I mean enough that I am worth the effort for an extended period of time. Just as he went through all the hoops and jumps for his addiction I want him to put that same if not more effort into me. Into earning my trust again, and building our relationship. I really need that right now.

He is getting ready to go on a work trip for a big job. He went on a job similar a few years ago before D-day. Its about 3 hrs away and in the town him mom lives in, so he stays with her. The last time he went he would come home on the weekends or we would visit him. At the time I didn't know about his PA and his PIED was very bad. Apparently he was jerking off everyday when he got back from the job, at his mothers house!!! Anyway when I would see him on the weekends I wanted to have sex and connect and it just wasn't working. He didn't have access to the drugs he was taking to gain an erection (I had no idea he was even taking them) so he couldn't get it up at all. At the time I thought it was me. I felt so horrible about myself. I would cry after we left. I didn't want to put more pressure on him so I didn't want to tell him how upset I was. I was taking care of the kids during the week all alone, managing the house, homeschooling, the business and everything all while feeling like crap. We did that for almost 4 months! Now I know it was all because he was looking at porn. Having him go back to this job even for just a few weeks is bringing up so many emotions and anxiety! He will be working 7 days a week so we won't see him on the weekends and he will be gone for about 2-3 weeks. I am going to be left home to maintain the rest of life, kids, business, work, packing the house, fixing last min repairs myself so we can list it to sell, and all the other aspects of life. I really thought I was doing pretty good maintaining a positive attitude and now I just feel like its all crashing down. I am just going to try to stay out of my head and try to focus on the tasks at hand. Trying not to get overwhelmed by everything. I keep reminding myself, this too will pass.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: mobilfreak on December 31, 2016, 06:54:21 PM
sorry to hear that u dont will be able to be together and u need to do much of the job by yourself.

Anxiety is really a hard thing to come over, what so ever is causing it. The things u are feeling are not strange, it seams all natural and direct healthy in my opinion.  Feelings is something good, even if we feel sad, anger or anxiety. the feelings tells us something and that we need to vent and take care of. Often life is coming in between and hinder us from taking time for these feelings and deal with them. I cant understand fully your emotions and feelings, but i can tell u it can be better, and it will probably will, as long as he quit PMO.

One thing I have learned from my anxiety is that i need to stay at my half of the field. A relationship is always two sides, and when we are close to someone, we often (well at least for me) want to go over on the other person half and help them. We call it love and caring. But imagine a goalie in soccer, who start to go from his space and start to tell the midfield how to play. He may have right and be correct about his opinion, but he will risk to fail at his own work, if he concentrate to much on what the midfield should or not should do..

U and your husband are in the same team, even if it not always feels like it. Me and my wife have come up with some rules, and we have been working hard to vent our emotions when needed. Its okey to feel what ever we feel, and we can act upon our feelings as adults, and talk about it. My wife need to tell me if she is sad or lowly. And i need to do the same. Its not easy when u feel betrayed.

When my wife was cheating on me during one of my deep depressions, i was devastated. We talked about it and then i made up my mind to forgive her. After that i did my best to show my love to her, because i believed she was feeling like she didnt have the right to be loved by me. I believed that if i not do my work to support her and make sure i show my 100% love towards her, it will be more difficult for her to come over her feelings. But i never stepped over the line, she needed to do her things. She needed to make the decision and make the actions to stop seeing her lover. So she changed her phone number, quit her job, even if she didnt have a new one. And then she started her "new life".

What i wanna say to you is that dont feel guilty for not doing enough and like its on you that he PMO. Its his responsibility. and make time with your man and set up a new life together, do your part, and if he fails, sit down again and make a new plan, that better fits your lives. One of my favorite quotes are "if u do the same thing today as u did yesterday, u will get the same results as yesterday, if u want another result, change your actions" and Jim Rohn "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree."

U cant stop him from PMO, and he cant help you with your feelings. We all grow from within, and when we are in balance with ourselves, we are able to enjoy life even when bad/sad things happens around us. The best advice I can give is to find a way to love yourself and that will help u recover and feel more happy in life. Its not good for anyone who relay on other people or things for their happiness.  Your husband need to stop seek happines thru PMO as someone need to stop work and buy stuff for happines. Or as for me, i need to stop focusing on have close best friends, like i need them to be happy.

U are doing great, and its all fine to be anxious, sad or angry, its part of life and it tells u something. Whar does it tells u?

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 03, 2017, 12:14:46 AM
Well thing are going..not sure if they are better or worse, they just are. We are now over the holidays and can focus on getting our house sold. We moved into a "fixer" a few years ago and have done quite a bit of work to it so we are definitely getting some decent gains but there is still a lot of projects left to finish. Also we have to remove about half of our stuff so the house will "show" better to potential buyers. Of course my hubby leaves tomorrow for the traveling job. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. We connected a bit over the weekend and even had sex. It was ok. I am still trying to get comfortable in my own skin when we are together naked. It has made it almost impossible for me to orgasm with him. My mind keeps straying to the realization that for years I wasn't his priority, when all the while he was mine. That is not something you want to be thinking about during sex, lol! Also I wonder about a hundred times when we are kissing if he is thinking about me or porn? I really hope that this changes with time. I am tired of feeling second rate and frankly like crap. In the meantime I have a lot of things to occupy my time! I will have to do all kinds of house projects from roofing, painting, moving lots of heavy furniture and getting carpet installed in the bedrooms, moving a ton of heavy metal from our shop all by myself. Plus all the homeschooling and keeping up with the business. Its all a little overwhelming but I am looking forward to the day we get to move! I have distanced myself from a lot of my friends that they hardly call anymore. They just think I am too busy for them (which I am pretty busy) but mostly I just don't want to see them because it hurts so much. One of my closest friends is the hardest. She is a truly amazing woman and now every time I see her all I picture is my husband sitting there starring at her with his cock out. I even feel jealous of it! That is so pathetic. I still feel uneasy about him traveling again. He has to take his computer with him and he is pretty much over porn even being tempting, plus he is going to be working a ton but I still wonder. I wonder if he is lying about everything and is actually looking forward to getting a break from his family to go and PMO every night. I wonder if he has and still is this entire time and I just don't know about it. I wonder if I will every be able to fully trust him again, to fully believe when he tells me about his progress. I really do love him, and I think he is a good person but I have to say this experience has changed the way I see him. It has left deep scars. I hope that we can make it through this and still be able to continue loving each other.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 03, 2017, 11:56:05 AM
Honestly the doubts are all in my head. Oddly I feel split in two. He is doing everything he can. He said he could even leave his computer at home but that just adds more stuff on my plate. I feel like he need to take it so he can get our accounting caught up and start the taxes. He said he wouldn't hook it up to the internet if that made me feel better. He plans to check in every day/ several times a day. He also said he wouldn't wipe any history on the computer and I could check everything when he returned so I can see everything he has done. His phone is connected to mine on the cloud and he lets me look at it anytime I want. He said he would close anything on their either and he lets me put whatever restrictions I want on it. He really is doing a good job. He is willing to do anything I want/need. At this point I am the problem if we are going to be absoutly honest. Its true. I feel like my mind is split in two, my logical side. The side that knows he isn't even interested in porn. It came up on conversation with some friend a few weeks back and the look on his face was one of complete disgust. The idea of porn make him sick at this point. I know he just wants to do what ever it take for however long it take to get our family and marriage back. But then there is this emotional side. That is where all of the doubt lives, the hurt, and broken trust, the second guessing. That is where it creeps up and takes over sometimes and I just feel like a mess. Trying to allow myself to experience these emotions so they are not repressed yet also keep them in check so I don't run away with them is a tricky balance. This really is a long process.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 05, 2017, 01:22:27 PM
Well my hubby has been gone for two days now. Of course the night he left we got hit with a snow storm. I love snow so it was exciting but the added things to do has made it a bit more stressful. I have been moving a lot of furniture and in the snow (super slippery) is making it harder. Glad I work out regular cause otherwise I wouldn't be able to do this! We have been burning through more wood which requires staying on top of the fire and moving and spitting wood more often. On the plus side I am noticing all the little things that he does for this family and I am appreciating them at a deeper level, lol. I love how he brings me coffee in the morning! I had to call him last night to ask how to set the alarm on the coffee maker, I had never done it before. I can see all the little ways he says I love you every day. I can see all the small acts of service that make up my daily life and tell me how much I mean to him. Its nice to appreciate those things.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on January 05, 2017, 07:15:10 PM
What a nice post! I don't have anything to add to that other than it made me smile. :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 06, 2017, 06:49:30 PM
Looks like the hubby's job is going to be a bit lighter than initially expected and he will be able to return home on the weekends, that is a plus. The kids are crazy excited. We are a very close family as we work both work together from home, we home school our kids together and spend a lot of time together. It baffles me sometimes how he managed to find the space to PMO all these years living in such closeness, lol.

I have been chipping away and my mile long list of things to do and while boxing a bunch of stuff I came across an old CD of pictures I had taken. It was actually a gift for him since he really likes vintage pin ups girls. I had a friend a while back who did a ton of professional quality pin ups pictures of me with props and everything. At the time it was a lot of fun and I have to say I am kinda proud of how great they turned out. Now I just feel like it is porn. It has left me feeling like I don't know what to do. I really like some of the pictures. None of them are naked (as most of the tasteful pin ups  from that era were completely clothed). I don't know if I should throw this away for keep it? I certainly don't want my husband to masturbate to it, although I really don't think he would. He is pretty much committed to no masturbating period. Still I am at a loss.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 08, 2017, 11:00:13 PM
JKS, yes I think you are right and I will keep them. Thanks for your support!

Well the hubby left today. This kids are not handling it well. They have been crying almost every night when he is gone. They loved having him home for the weekend but saying goodbye is always hard. I have been reading some of the other journal on here in the other categories. I just have to say how amazingly helpful they are. Reading mens accounts, and hearts regarding improving their lives is very motivating. On the other hand there are a few that seem to be focused on just sex. On wanting their penises to work and not much more. I think a few months ago this would have been upsetting and hard for me to read so I am glad to report that it isn't bothering to me anymore. I just feel sad as they are missing so much and when you only focus on fixing the symptom without finding the root cause will only bring them back to more symptoms. I can see how my progress is improving. There are still things that come up. Most of the things lately that have been bothering me are when I am out and about and not prepared and run into one of my husband big facebook PMO ladies. Of course they have no idea that my husband liked to "rub one out" to pictures of them. I just end up feeling so uncomfortable, insecure, and hurt when I see them. I haven't been going to the gym as much as I felt that my reason for going had changed a bit. Before all of this I was going to improve my health and to be able to do more with my life by being more physically fit. Lately it has changed to wanting to be more sexy, and I spend my time comparing myself to the other women who are there and who my husband masturbated to. I was going about 10 hr a week to work out and then I coach another 5. So lately I have cut back to 4 or so hrs per week. Of course now I feel lazy and then I run into all of these women and I just feel like crap. In addition we weren't able to have sex this last weekend and even thought my rational mind knows that he isn't going to go back and look at a bunch of naked women, there is a part of me that is scared. I want to be further than this, and I feel ridiculous for still having this feeling but to be honest I am still here.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 09, 2017, 02:59:18 PM
JKS, you are absoutly right. I have been working on breathing and meditating. I usually try (when I have a moment) to stop and acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and then work through a breathing exercise to help move past them. The first part of knowing what I am feeling and letting myself accept that is it there is key. Right now we are in winter and we have had some crazy ice storms. It has been perfect (I love winter). I have been going outside where it is so cold you can see your breath. I imagine myself literally breathing out the feeling of hurt, anger, and everything else that comes up for me. Then I see myself breathing in love, empowerment, kindness, forgiveness (for myself and others). Seeing my breath when I exhale is actually helpful because I can see a visual for this supersize. I know it sounds silly but it has been oddly helpful in those moments of overwhelm.

Today has been better. I when to the gym this morning and decided I was going for myself, not for my insecurities. When I started feeling insecure I acknowledge that it is coming up and I tell myself I am a badass chicka and I don't need anyone making me feel less that amazing, lol. Its just not helpful to anyone. Plus I did pretty well at my workout. I ran half a mile and deadlifted 180 lbs 77 times in just under 9 1/2 mins! What better way to empower yourself then lifting heavy weight. Feeling pretty good now. I have to go back and coach this evening and I am getting my mind in a good place so I can be encouraging to others and not get stuck in my own head. Plus the long list of stuff to do on the house is still ever present and I am continuing to chip away at so I don't have to worry about being bored, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 10, 2017, 01:23:19 AM
Ok today has been hard. I have been feeling not only overwhelm but also loneliness. I feel like all the the responsibility of the house work is on my shoulders and I really wish that I had not just help but also the company. I love my kids but they are less than helpful in some ways. I miss my best friend and partner. Then today I was splitting some wood and stacking it in front of the house and I fell in on the icy steps. I thought I have broken up all the ice in the walk way but apparently I missed a spot and BAM! It really hurt! I had to coach tonight and even with lots of ibuprofen my tailbone still hurt a ton!!! Well I am hoping that tomorrow is better cause I have way too much to do.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: K__ on January 10, 2017, 10:45:54 AM
Plus I did pretty well at my workout. I ran half a mile and deadlifted 180 lbs 77 times in just under 9 1/2 mins! What better way to empower yourself then lifting heavy weight.

Just wow. You really don't need to compare yourself with others ;)
Hope you are healing well.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Fight or Flight on January 10, 2017, 06:25:32 PM
Hope you are feeling better aquarius25..
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 11, 2017, 01:04:10 AM
Today was better. I had a friend come over and help me paint and my mom even came down and helped a bit too. It was nice to have someone help me. I have been feeling like everything is on my shoulders so it was nice to have some people come to help. I am getting really excited about our move in so many ways! We finally have a place to move to and that is a huge relief. Its nice to know where we will be driving the moving truck too, lol! Looking forward to getting this house on the market!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 13, 2017, 07:27:43 PM
Well lots of progress happening. My hubby is home for the weekend which is really great. I feel a huge relief just having him here. He seems to be happy too. I think he has been feeling bad that I am left handling the bulk of the work. We have been making great progress and things are starting to come together. We even have a few people interested in our house and it isn't supposed to be on the market till Feb!

We have been working through things quite well and communicating quite a bit. He hasn't seemed to have any urges and I am working on believing him and taking that step towards trusting him. I recently read through  my journal and it was really great to see how far I have come on this journey. Not sure sure if half of it is rambling or not but this has been an extremely helpful process for me. Although I am convinced that anyone who actually reads this and gets past the first page probably thinks I am crazy, LOL! For anyone who is actually following this process I thank you and where ever you are in your process I am sending you lots of love and blessings.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Fight or Flight on January 15, 2017, 06:25:37 PM
Aquarius your journal gives me hope :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 16, 2017, 12:26:19 AM
Thanks FoF.

Well this weekends was a lot of work but we got a lot done. Overall it was a good weekend but just like anything two steps forward and...well... more like .5 step back. Not a huge setback but today was hard. Not only was my hubby leaving again this evening but I had a rough day working on the house. I didn't handle it very well and frankly I was a bit of a bitch. Yep, that is the truth, lol. I call it like I see it and I really was. I feel like I over stepped a bit and was not very nice. We did talk through it later but I think he was still a little hurt. I really hate that i did that. I need to take responsibility of my part and need to handle it better when I have having a hard time.

It was hard because in the process of cleaning up the house and finishing all of the uncompleted projects one included my project room. I have a room I added to the back of the house and I built it basically by myself. I even glued 33,000 pennies to the floor with a compass start made of commemorative coins in the center. The walls are mostly windows and and recycled wood layered in all these different shades and its really beautiful. I had the roof made of a metal roof and its insulated but I never finish the rest. So today I was trying to hurry and finish it cause we are selling our house. I wanted to do something cool but settled for a tissue paper ceiling. I was trying to get the tissue paper to work and my mother was trying to help and she kept tearing the paper. I was just feeling so many emotions. Everything from complete frustration with my mother because she never understands anything that is not just normal and boring (sorry to offend anyone). She was complaining and thought the entire idea was stupid (but she thought the pennies were too till she saw them completed). Then everything else just set in all over again. The fact that I am grieving the loss of the desire to maintain my friendships because of porn. The fact that we are moving mainly because of porn. I just with that it had never happened. I wish that he had been honest from the beginning.

Anyway My mother was in the middle of complaining about my husband and how messy he is and how silly the tissue paper is (as she was butchering it) and I just started crying. I lost it and said F*&$ it we can just pain it boring white!!! She apologized and offered to take the kids for the rest of the day. After she left my hubby came in and we talked and I wasn't nice. I said I was looking forward to him leaving. It wasn't even true I just needed some space. I feel like I have put a lot of my heart into that room and I am really proud of it and leaving it is hard. We talked later and I apologized but I am sure it still hurt. I am just sad for the situation. Later this evening when he was leaving I told him I loved him and how sorry I was. Seeing him leave made me miss him already. I just feel terrible that I would even say that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on January 16, 2017, 04:35:38 AM
Oh Aquarius, you're human and you're under a lot of stress. We make mistakes.
I hope you have a much better day tomorrow.
Exactly this! You are under pressure, A25, your husband knows that. He knows you didn't mean it. He's probably feeling the pinch too - he's probably just more careful about mouthing off now because of all that's happened. Still, it's very honourable of you to own your behaviour. You show a real wisdom and maturity in how you process things. Doesn't mean you won't fly off the handle once in a while, but generally your attitude is great given what you've been through.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on January 16, 2017, 05:10:46 AM
Aquarius,

You are entitled to your feelings, and to venting once in a while.

You've been so strong for so long dealing with this situation, something has to give from time to time. Your husband understands that, I'm sure; your mum less so, but she loves you because she's your mum. Families DO forgive us for our transgressions, because they love us.

Not only that, but you've shared, helped and supported so many of us. There's a lot of love for you here.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 16, 2017, 03:00:56 PM
Well today is going to be a long day. Over the weekend our kids got a stomach bug and unfortunately last night I got it too. I woke in the middle of the night. It was terrible. I was really wishing my hubby was there. Today I am feeling a little better just super tired and I am still trying to finish painting my ceiling. I probably look like death but its almost done. I just can't stop knowing that I have piles of stuff to do. Its exhausting. On the plus side I got to connect with my hubby and he seems to be feeling ok so I am hoping he left just in time. I really hope he doesn't get sick while working outside. Than would be awful!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 19, 2017, 01:28:56 PM
Well that little bug was no joke. I was really sick for 3 days!!! I haven't been that sick in a long time! Finally starting to feel better today. Man that was awful!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on January 19, 2017, 11:28:14 PM
Hi Aquarius, Hope you and the children are fully recovered.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 23, 2017, 12:22:07 PM
Ok so WOW. That was a terrible flu! I was sick for a week! Thankfully the hubby is home now. Unfortunately the kids got sick over the weekend and now the hubs seems to be looking.....not so great, lol. Well hey at least we are a family that shares, right? LOL

Things with the house seems to be going at full speed. I am getting really excited about it. Our family has finally come to terms with the fact that this is happening and we aren't going to change our minds. I worry about the kids though. I know they are going to miss their friends a lot. My heart breaks a bit for them.

On the recovery front things are good. Stuff comes up from time to time but I am managing well and am happy to see how far the both of us have come. I am finding that I don't have to remind myself and talk myself into the attitude of forgiveness anymore but rather I am doing it more naturally. It feels like a bit load is slowly leaving my shoulders. It feels good.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 26, 2017, 11:38:32 AM
ugg I got sick again!!! I have no idea why I am getting so sick so often. I feel like it is mentally breaking me down. Even the kids have been getting sick. This sickness has to leave our house!! I can't handle this. I feel like I am getting better again but I am scared to say that I am over it cause I don't want to jinx it. I am really struggling right now.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on January 26, 2017, 01:15:05 PM
That's no fun. Really sorry you and the family are unwell.

I can't offer much more than my support and wish you all a speedy recovery.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 30, 2017, 07:27:21 PM
Finally feeling better for a few days in a row! We went camping over the weekend as a family. It was great to get away! We even got an offer on our house! It was a low offer so we had to counter offer, fingers crossed. If it doesn't work out then we should get another one soon. I am trying to not stress about anything but to just trust and roll with the process. Things with my hubby are going good. We both  are looking forward to the move and are making plans for new routines when we get to the new town. We are both so thankful to have an opportunity for a fresh start. This is my last week coaching at crossfit and I am nervous about joining a new gym. I don't think I will coach in the new place. I am scared that they are all going to be super "heavy hitters" and I am going to be a puny loser but I am trying not to think on it much and to learn to be ok with who I am and where I am at. Over all life is good.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 02, 2017, 04:36:52 PM
Well the last few days have been good. I had a bit of a bad experience with my husband showing all of his old attitudes. Of course it came out when I was already super sensitive as we had dinner plans that night with our friends and one of them was a close friend of mine who he used to PMO to quite a bit on FB. Every time we hang out now I feel a lot of anxiety. I have been trying to let it go, it't not her fault she doesn't even know. Still it hurts and brings up so many bad memories. Anyway that was the day he apparently was feeling a lot of stress and he was just being rude and completely self centered. Putting himself above me and the kids and not claiming responsibility for some of the mistakes that he had made about loosing paperwork. I was able to communicate and tell him how he was behaving and he actually heard it. He was able to stop and take in what I was saying. That was a big improvement. He started to apologize and i just stopped him. I am glad he was quick to say sorry but I wasn't ready to forgive yet and I didn't want to hear it. I also thought it was a big step for me to be able to walk away and take time and not feel obligated to forgive so quickly. We have been able to talk since and we are both good. It was nice to see us both work through something and both show progress. That is very hopeful.

On the house front we accepted a full price offer today. We will be closing on March 31st. Pretty exciting to be almost done! Also not having to constantly keep the house clean and show it will be nice too. Our house was only on the market for 8 days and we had got two offers. Amazing! Feeling very blessed.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on February 02, 2017, 08:22:23 PM
Yay!   Glad for you about the house.  I think telling them about their behavior is the hardest.  Because it is a series of things:

We feel a little off.
Then we get triggered.
We feel really off and anxious
Then we have to deal with our inner turmoil
We then have to say Hey something is wrong here
Discussion ensues
Then most of the time they get it.
But whew!  Those few moments when we process it all it wears us out.

Good job.  The change will help.  I know just changing our bedroom furniture helped me immensely!  And I really changed it.   We can do this.  Men think they have the hard part.  No way!  I don't think they can imagine the pain.  Or how little bits continue to hang around for us for a long time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 06, 2017, 03:42:24 PM
Well things are moving along nicely as far as the house closing goes. He have inspections and appraisals coming so we are getting ready for those. Most of the stuff is already done but we still gotta few last min things. All of our friends and family seem to be scrambling to try and get things on the calendar for get-togethers. Its a bit exhausting. Especially since half of these people I am looking forward to not seeing much anymore. I don't say that though cause its just not worth the drama. I would just like to "loose contact over time". I feel like that is mean, but its true. My birthday is this week and all of the girls are wanting to go out to a local place that serves long island's for cheap every Thursday (that my birthday) so they are planning on having a bunch of ladies go. I feel like having drinks surrounded by all of the ladies my hubby PMO's to all at once doesn't exactly sound like a fun birthday. At this point its not about me, its about all of these people wanting to spend time with me before I move. I appreciate their heart and thoughts. Its not their fault and they have no idea but for me it just sucks. This move could not come soon enough. Maybe this will be like ripping off a band-aid, I will just see them all at once. I am going to make sure not to drink much. Like 1-2 drinks for the entire night. I really don't want to say or do anything to cause a stir. Beside drinking less is cheaper and a lot of our cash is tied up in this move plus my daughter and I have the same birthday so I want to spend my $ on her party rather than on myself. She is my present every day! I am so looking forward to a fresh start and a new town, new routines, friends, and everything. There is so much reminders everyday. Its hard to heal and move them to the past when they are front and center all the time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 06, 2017, 04:32:27 PM
Hi Aquarius,

Happy Birthday (in advance!)

I know what you mean with the constant reminders issue - I'm still living in the same "world" that I occupied in a previous relationship and find myself constantly reminded of  happier times. I'm trying to approach those reminders in the same way as I approach my porn triggers - recognise them, deal with them and move on. It's not easy, but seems to be working.

I hope your drinks with the girls proves to be an ok evening - I can't imagine what I'd feel like in your shoes.

Good luck with everything regarding your move.

FBS
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 06, 2017, 09:16:49 PM
Thanks for the encouragement FBS. I have been getting better and better at putting on a face. I am learning how to hold it together when I feel like falling apart inside. That is pretty much the experience every time I see most of my friends. Had a conversation today with the hubs about facebook. I asked him if he ever wanted a facebook account again. He said no. My heart was beating so fast before he answered. That has truly been the hardest thing to get over, and I am still not over it. I feel like I am not only processing the feelings of realizing all of this dishonesty, and broken trust, lies and everything else but it has stripped away my friends. I  am grieving those relationships all while trying to maintain them on a surface level. Its pretty remarkable how many emotions one person can experience at a time! I probably sound crazy, lol. Well as the very least I hope that some of the PA's on hear can read these words and realize the impact their actions can have.
Things will get better though. In time things will be better, I have faith in that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 08, 2017, 04:00:00 PM
Ok so I have been having a really hard time with something. I am hoping that anyone reading this will maybe give me some input and advice. I also want to say I welcome the input of men as well as women and PA's as well as partners. I really value differing opinions.

My husband still struggles with his performance. He is healthy, physically very fit, attractive, and in the past all of his testosterone levers were great last time he was checked out. He has never been happy with his performance. I view it as average, honestly. I think yes he is still experiencing occasional PIED but its more anxiety than anything. I really think most of it is because he has no clue what "normal lasting time is" since he has been into porn for so long. He is extremely hard on himself. Maybe a little too hard and it just makes everything else worse. Yes he is too full of blame. I have been trying to communicate this to him but apparently I can't tell him this.

 I am also coming to understand that as much as we have been moving forward together and we have been progressing together, lately I have felt I need to distance myself from him. Being a partner really sucks sometimes. I want to be there to encourage and support him, but at the same time I need to process my own hurt and feelings. There have been some moments where I have noticed that to encourage him I have to push my feelings aside. That isn't good for me. The reality as a partner is that you are basically trying to have a relationship with your offender, attacker, the one who has caused you the pain and trauma. Then on top of that you feel like you need to help support them, and usually it ends up at the cost of your own healing. I have been trying really hard to balance this. To communicate my own feelings as well as support him but one thing has come to my realization. My feelings of hurt, lack of trust, lack of respect, and all of the other emotions associated with being a partner are a big part (I think) in why he is so hard on himself. I feel like when I communicate that I am having a bad day, he views himself as responsible.....and honestly the reality is that he is responsible. But I don't mean to shame him. This in turn makes me feel like I can't communicate that I have having a hard time and then I feel responsible for his low self esteem and then we both end up feeling shitty. It is a terrible cycle.

 I really don't see a way to fix it either. I have no plans on leaving him and I do see how healing would be easier if I did. Can anyone lend of advise to this? Also just so I have some numbers for him, how long do most men last during sex? I mean the actual intercourse not foreplay
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Mayer on February 08, 2017, 05:04:55 PM
I totally get you there with your hubby. Me being the PA it is difficult from my point of view too. My wife asks for empathy and love and support yet I feel like I am the wrong person to give it. I am the offender after all, it is a very challenging situation to be in. Even though I love to comfort my wife sometimes she doesn't want it because I am the offender, it is a very conflicting position. For me I have hurt the one I love the most, but I can't fix it. Any other situation with my wife I can be there for her. And for her the one she loves the most has hurt her, I can see the internal struggle, a lot of the time I feel helpless, she needs me but doesn't want me, but also I need her but I am afraid to get too close. I suppose it can all be fixed with rebuilding trust, the rest will come with it. That is what I need to concentrate on. As for the sex duration, I have no idea really, from a guys perspective you want to be a stud and last for hours and give your wife the best sex she has ever had every night. That means each time I am looking at myself to improve so I put pressure on myself, sometimes too much. Times also differ with hornyness I suppoose, if it has been a long time since the last time usually sex isn't going to last that long. Every guy is different, I always try and make sure my wife is fully satisfied, I normally don't last long at actual intercourse so I try to satisfy her first, I enjoy this though, it makes me even hornier doing this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 08, 2017, 05:51:51 PM
Oh Aquarius.

My heart goes out to you.

It's a horribly complex thing, isn't it?

Although I'm the one with the porn use problem - and I'm not deliberately giving the word addiction a swerve here- I ended up leaving my wife.

We had no sex life - probably my fault; no common opinions - mutual and a shocking living environment  - her.

But the whole cyclic nature of blame and responsibility is a really tough one : at some point someone has to stop reacting the way they always have. Even if it's only on a temporary basis, it can change the cycle. Once you're NOT (can't do italics on my phone - sorry!) simply playing out a loop, you both have a chance to change how you react and then you can play out some different plays.

As to stamina...

Guys (me included ) often get hung up on it. I'm NOT  (this time caps ARE meant!) typical. I could go on for an hour, if I were fit enough. But no one really wants that. Many times, both my partner and I have wanted sex to be over in about 30 mins including foreplay. As to the idea of a "quickie"  - no chance! I think any guy will have days when it's quick and days when it isn't.  Sorry - any normal guy... not one who's wanked himself stupid for 30 years like me. Tough to say, but this forum is the place I'm most honest.

If your husband can get it up for long enough for you both to enjoy it ON YOUR TERMS,  and no one else's, that's what matters. It's NOT about lasting longer ,it's about feeling good together.

Love to you both - your posts have been an inspiration.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on February 10, 2017, 11:28:29 AM
It's unfortunate that he can't set aside himself to be there for you. Which in short is what goes on when he is feeling bad because he's ruined your days and having low self esteem over it. He needs Counselling from someone who has been there. PA's are as a rule, are very self centred. That's why instead of dealing with life and the emotions that come with it, they turn in and get themselves lost in a sexual fantasy  land where everyone and everything serves them. Everything, even supposed recover is about "me" and they don't even realize it because they're so used to being like that. We're the same where we're so used to everything being about them we don't realize that's what's going on and we feel bad when we demand or expect more. He's not taking responsibility for what he did and then acting to make your life better.  He's doing the same things that got you guys where he's at in the first place.  Poor me. So you have a situation where your feeling hurt and sad communicate it to him and he then internalizes it (his usual course of action, which is not conscious but just automatic ) and shifts it to being about him. Oh I'm such a horrible person, look what I did to her ... etc etc . This is normal. He needs to realize that he is not being there for you and instead doing his usual when this happens and he needs to learn how to get outside himself and think about you. Your pain. Your needs. Etc. What's done is done. What can he do NOW to go forward? I honestly would suggest seeing a experienced Counsellor. Jason and Shelly martinkus with redemptive living, google them. They have helped me and my husband tremendously!!! I waited over a year and a half before going to them because I didn't think we really "needed" it. We could get over it on our own, right? Uhm.... nope. Something's weren't getting better or moving forward it seemed. In 3 weeks I notice a huge difference with us, and I've learned so much it's crazy. You need REAL help and support. My husband was similar to yours at the beginning of our "recovery". Of course he still feels guilt, shame and hurt over where he has put us. But he now realizes he must face those feelings and work through them and that wallowing in poor him is not helpful to him and especially not to me. I need him and I need him to take responsibility for his actions and then take new actions to help us recover. That can't be done  from a "poor me" position. He needs to stop shaming himself and realize he did this but he isn't this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on February 10, 2017, 11:36:10 AM
How long should he last? I really think it's totally different for everyone. My hubby doesn't last an hour or anything. I really dont time it I guess. I would guess actually intercourse is approx 20-30 minutes. Sometimes it's shorter, sometimes it's longer. However, he often has to pause, change positions or stop for short periods to make sure he doesn't O because he is getting "to" close.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 10, 2017, 12:44:32 PM
Thank you to everyone for your response. I really appreciate all of the input, I am continuing to process and figure out how to work through this experience. I do think counseling would help and I do think after the move we are going to start doing that. Right now it would just be too much to add to life.

Yesterday was by birthday, and my little girls birthday too. We went to lunch together and had a really great time. Then last night I went out for "girls night". Seems all of my friend are anxious to get together all the time because we are moving soon. I don't really want to go into the details why I am not in the mood to hang out so I just go with it and put on a face. I had lots of anxiety about it all day yesterday so I ended up going to the gym and doing the workout twice. I got to pick it because it was my birthday. It was grueling. I don't pick easy ones, lol. It felt good to work out, so that was the upside. Helped me try and work out my nerves. Downs side, everyone was complaining at me for picking something super hard. I just chalk it up to them being wimps and ninny's, lol.

The workout was:
34 pushups
then 3 rounds of
34 wall ball sit ups (20lb ball)
34 overhead walking lunges (the first time I did 25lbs, the second time I did 45lbs)
12 toes 2 bar burpees
12 box jumps (24'' box)
After you finish the 3rd round you do a 100m farmer carry (I did 55lbs in each hand)

I thought it was super fun. I guess my version of fun is skewed, lol.

Last night ended up being ok. There were so many friends from different parts of my life that they didn't really blend well and ended up in clumps so I just drifted from one group to another. It made it easier because anytime I started to feel uncomfortable I could just move on.  The hubby collaborated with a local artist and friend of mine and surprised me with a sculptural art piece made by the both of them. It was really sweet. I wasn't expecting anything and it meant a lot to me. Thing overall are ok. Just one day at a time..... defiantly a little sore today too, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 11, 2017, 12:31:31 PM
Well went out again last night, but it was with friends that are a little older than us and ones my husband didn't PMO to, lol. I find it funny how much more enjoyable it is. I feel like the past doesn't hang in the back of my mind as much. I even felt sad, to a small degree, because these are the friends I am going to really miss! Knowing and really consciously experiencing this has gotten me very hopeful and excited for the move and change. I really think it will be a new chapter in our life, marriage, and for our family. I am so excited for what is to come.

I also talked to my husband about my feelings about not being able to share and he understood. Be bother have decided that honesty is the best. We will both continue to be open about our feelings and if it brings something up for the other we will communicate that too and we will work together to support each other. Neither of us have the intention of purposely hurting the other. Knowing that help a lot. The pain we both experience is cause intentionally and we can help and love each other through it .We are committed to each other for the long haul. He is doing really amazingly in his recovery and he genuinely  has done and is doing everything he can to repair our relationship. I have chosen to stay by him and forgive. So when I am upset I need to evaluate if this is because something recent or past actions that I have already forgiven him for. If that is the case, I remind myself of who he is today and focus on that. I tell him that the hurt is coming up and that allows him to be more supportive. As much as I hate this experience I can see how we are becoming closer than ever before. For that I am thankful.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 16, 2017, 05:24:27 PM
Well things are coming along. Our inspection report came back and there was a few things on it that we will have to look at. Selling a house is so much work sometimes. I am trying to not get carried away with the stress but to just trust that God has a plan. I am really working on not hanging on to my emotions but rather to acknowledge them and let them go. It can be really hard sometimes. Today has been rough for no big reason just a lot of small things, but still I am working on moving forward and continuing to keep my chin up best I can.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on February 16, 2017, 06:45:31 PM
Yeah, house stuff is very draining!

I've come across multiple spiritual belief systems that are very strong on the idea of emotions being an ephemeral thing and the importance of not making them into monuments or thinking they are reality. They flow in and they flow out. It's important to acknowledge them and then let them flow out of you. Think of them like a river - you can't control what comes down the river, but you can let them flow by without grabbing hold of them.

You and your husband are doing great - I really can't see how you two could have handled things much better. Remember to acknowledge your amazing progress on a regular basis!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 18, 2017, 06:21:03 PM
JKS, you are totally right. Also, OMG!!!! I would back probably pissed my pants if I was on that plane. You are one brave woman!

Malando, Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate your support and perspective.

I met with another friend this morning. She was again another one of the hubbies fav spank bank friends. Yeah, I have about 50 friends and literally I think only 5 that he didn't masturbate too. There are days when I wonder how his dick is still attached to his body with all the yanking on it he did, lol!!! Anyway she is going through a really difficult divorce and needed encouragement. I tend to be a bit of the "strong one" with my friends. Most of them come to me for support or advise, which is crazy cause I just feel like I am bumbling through life 90% of the time. LOL! Anyway it felt good to be an encouragement to her even though I was hurting I was still able to be supportive and not allow my hurt to hinder helping her. That felt good.

Over all things are good. Really excited about the move!!! We reserved the moving trucks and are trying to get the closing date moved up a week. We are just too excited! Even the kids are excited to move. That makes me really happy cause I was worried for them but they are handling everything amazingly!

One thing I have noticed that has bother me quite a bit is this forum. I know other partners have felt the same way. Honestly there is no solution but I have to be honest that the PA's with partners who choose to hide and lie and then say its for a noble cause like saving their partner from hurt...well frankly it pisses me off! Especially when they encourage others to do the same! I understand that each person needs to make that decision for themselves but to encourage another recovering person to live their marriage or relationship without integrity, lying to save face is cowardice and reflects low moral character. Why would you encourage and want someone to live that way? That is crazy! They act like it is the save their partner from experiencing hurt but in reality its because they don't want to see their partner hurt and know they are responsible for it. They don't want to take full responsibility for their actions and as such they are still living the same attitudes that got them addicted in the first place. That is not the road to recovery. Marriage and well frankly all relationships are founded on trust. They aren't living that. They are just being manipulative. Their partners are living in a false reality because of this. Anytime their wife says I love you  it is not too them, its to the illusion they have built. That is not love, its just sad. Its one thing to choose that for your own relationship because  you are too scared to take full ownership of your actions but to encourage another to do so as well?!? Sad, heartbreaking, and well, just plain pathetic!!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on February 19, 2017, 01:07:38 AM
One thing I have noticed that has bother me quite a bit is this forum. I know other partners have felt the same way. Honestly there is no solution but I have to be honest that the PA's with partners who choose to hide and lie and then say its for a noble cause like saving their partner from hurt...well frankly it pisses me off! Especially when they encourage others to do the same! I understand that each person needs to make that decision for themselves but to encourage another recovering person to live their marriage or relationship without integrity, lying to save face is cowardice and reflects low moral character. Why would you encourage and want someone to live that way? That is crazy! They act like it is the save their partner from experiencing hurt but in reality its because they don't want to see their partner hurt and know they are responsible for it. They don't want to take full responsibility for their actions and as such they are still living the same attitudes that got them addicted in the first place. That is not the road to recovery. Marriage and well frankly all relationships are founded on trust. They aren't living that. They are just being manipulative. Their partners are living in a false reality because of this. Anytime their wife says I love you  it is not too them, its to the illusion they have built. That is not love, its just sad. Its one thing to choose that for your own relationship because  you are too scared to take full ownership of your actions but to encourage another to do so as well?!? Sad, heartbreaking, and well, just plain pathetic!!!!!

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now, lol.

I totally agree! I let rip on a guy on the 40+ forum recently. He was acting like he was trying really hard and somehow thought he deserved credit for not using porn when he's out there using "hookup" sites to have sex with random women (and of course, browsing for women on Tinder is actually porn, IMO) Oh, you poor thing, it must be so hard for you! And all while claiming his "marriage is good" and how he has great sex with his wife. I find his attitude utterly offensive and no part of me has any sympathy for his bullshit. I just thought, the damn arrogance of this jerk! His wife has no idea what a creep she is married to, and he'll never give her the chance to find out. What a loser. Thinks he's special enough that she would want to keep hold of him, yet won't actually tell her who he really is. And of course, putting her health and potentially her life in jeopardy by possibly bringing home some vile STDs. Guys like this just make me want to reach through the screen and throttle them. It wouldn't even occur to a guy like this that his wife deserves honesty and to know who husband really is. 

That was probably the worst I've seen, but some of the stuff being posted is pretty disheartening. I don't read much of it anymore. I give the occasional ignorant fool a strong rebuke, but mostly I tend to follow certain people who I think really are trying and offer my support.

Rant over...

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 20, 2017, 12:03:53 AM
Malando I completely understand and agree, lol!

The weekend went well. We had some great family time. Went swimming with the kids and had a movie night. Ended with an epic game of Risk with our son. Another things we did was have "the talk" with the kids. We have had pieces of of the talk but we finally had the full conversation about sex with them. Initially I felt they were too young but quite a few of their friends know and I have heard kids talking. Our kids have asked questions a few times so we figured I would rather talk to them instead of have their friends "educate them". I think it went well. They seemed to be ok and they agreed that they felt comfortable talking with us. They were also totally grossed out that their parents have had sex, lol. They were a little surprised with how babies are made, lol. My hubby and I also decided to put blockers on our computers. He hasn't really needed them but I think while the kids are growing and starting to learn to google and starting to research topics of interest I think it is best. My daughter loves kittens, I really would hate to have her youtube that, lol!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 22, 2017, 01:25:24 AM
Well things are coming along. The house process has had some unexpected hiccups and we are sorting them out. The stress has been building quite a bit. I have been struggling with my mood. I am not sure what exactly triggered it but I seem to be in a funk and having a hard time pulling out. I was talking the other day about my husbands progress and and about this experiences as a whole and my mind could help but reflect on the fact that I don't seem to be a priority to him. I know he loves me very much. I am not saying that he doesn't care about be. More the fact that over the years of our marriage there were a few occasions that I caught him and expressed  my feelings about it. It never seemed to be enough of a wake up call for him. It wasn't until it looked like he was actually cheating that he confessed to everything and and was finally honest with me. He is a great father, the fact that he could loose him family was the wake up call for him. I am just, I guess, sorta grieving the fact that I wasn't ever that wake up call for him. He has been my best friend and I have always regarded him as such and it just feels like while he was my best friend, I am realizing for most of our marriage I wasn't his.

Another thing that has bother me has been the security factor. We own a business together and i do play a role in it but he does a lot of the work. Mainly that is because I do a lot of the homeschooling and everything else to keep the house and life going. I am the one driving the kids to soccer and ballet and everything. Over the course of our marriage I have been picking up odd jobs and things while taking care of our kids. He is the one that got a career. I just feel very useless. If our business ever closed he can go get a job no problem. I don't have that. My best bet is some sort of minimum wage. It just makes me feel like I can't contribute to the same capacity. What am I? An over glorified babysitter? If I ever had decided to leave I really couldn't cause I don't have a way to support myself. That is a really terrible feeling. I have considered going back to school but it is never an option or a priority. Everything else takes prescient like the kids, business, family, my husbands job. I never seem to be a priority or the moment never seems to be the right time to invest in me. 

I know this feeling will hopefully fade but for right now it is just a crappy feeling.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on February 22, 2017, 07:47:45 AM
I can empathise with how you feel.

It feels pretty crap to suddenly not be a parent, too. I'd give anything for my marriage to have worked. Sure, I can work my ass off and fund my family, but not being with my daughter is the loss of something no amount of money can buy.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 22, 2017, 03:44:27 PM
Still in a bit of a funk but trying to pull myself out.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Objectified1 on February 22, 2017, 10:58:25 PM
I can relate to how you feel With hubby being the one bringing in all the income. When we depend on them for everything and they are our everything and then this happens we suddenly realize how vulnerable we are and how much we really do depend on them. I felt devastated because it was like
He was my everything because I wanted it that way and I was his what? His something. I felt stupid for leaving myself in the hands of someone who obviously didn't seem to care or see the importance of my life. Who didn't appreciate the choice I made when I said yes and put on his wedding ring. It was a slap in the face. I gave up my life for him.  What did he give up for me? Come
To find out, not too much really. I felt like an obligation. Like I was just an option. The last one to be picked in the gym class sort of thing. Yea he might as well have me, but was I his everything? Not
At all. He wasn't an option to me. He was my everything. I wasn't just with him because it was easy. He swears that's not how it was or is but sure sends that message when he's jerking off to my sisters , the 18 year old at church & countless other people. A year and after after the start of his staggered disclosure & 3 counsellors later and we finally seem to be making a little bit of headway . Praying it continues.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 23, 2017, 05:16:52 PM
So apparently my journal has become famous, lol. Some poor pathetic loser with no life has decided to post one of the comments here in my journal on a feminist hating site full of a bunch of misogynistic pigs to pick apart. I am not sure what is more sad the fact that  they have nothing to do but read and pick apart my journal? Or the fact that their entire forum screams compensating for so many things. Just as they laugh at me they should know I think they are pretty sadly funny too. O well, just another day in paradise, right?

Below is a link  and also before anyone posts here you should know that my journal is officially being trolled and I wanted to give a heads up. I understand if that makes anyone reading not want to post but I also want to say I appreciate when people do post here. I have really gotten a lot out of the support I have received from all of you! Thank you!

http://forums.avoiceformen.com/showthread.php?20290-Feminist-Rant-of-the-Week!

(the link to my journal is in the #4 comment)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on February 23, 2017, 05:26:05 PM
So, we are all famous?  YAY!  Maybe they should know that we all have self esteem and we are not afraid.  I love the "rights" we have that they do not.  They forget they have their precious right to objectify all they want.  Perhaps they can't get a woman and can only fantasize!  Oh well.  I agree he must be a very insecure individual and cannot express his own thoughts unless he can argue.  Got to get that dopamine running somehow. 

We will continue to persevere as we work hand in hand with our husbands in our commitment to our marriages/partnerships.  This is how we know we will succeed it is a joint effort.  Sometimes it is a painful process but my husband and I have learned a lot about each other as we have worked on this addiction.
Power to the Women!

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 23, 2017, 05:32:24 PM
Gracie, I couldn't agree more!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 24, 2017, 03:48:52 PM
Well things are coming along. Finally talked with my husband about my funk and initially it didn't go well at all. He kinda blew up, thus driving home the point I was trying to make, lol. Later, he calmed down and we were able to have a good conversation. I am glad we were able to talk about it. We will probably not do anything until after the move but I am hopeful that things will start to change.

On the house front we have had some major hiccups in the process as the appraisal didn't come back great so now we are trying to figure out plan B. O well, this too will pass. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: StartingOffNew on February 24, 2017, 11:29:58 PM
I mostly just read the first post and some of the replies. 

But I just wanted to say, thanks for posting this.  The understanding you've shown and love you have for your husband has really touched me and made me feel better about my own potential relationships with women.  It's nice to know there are girls like you out there. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 25, 2017, 11:20:55 AM
StartingOffNew, Thank you for the kind words. I am not perfect by any means, far from it! I have my rants too, good days and bad, but overall I try to have a positive attitude because in the end that will get you a lot further than a negative one. I really believe that we are each individually responsible for our own happiness .If the environment is bad it is your responsibility to leave. I don't believe in victims, even thought sometimes even I play that card here and there, lol. I know that I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I am committed to my husband, and he is committed to me. We are in this together. It will be a long road but ultimately we will be happier together than we would apart, even though I wanna ring his neck sometimes. 

On a totally different note to anyone reading this who is a crossfit person I just finished 17.1!!!! I am pretty excited about my performance. I finished the WOD in 16:10 rx! I know there are a lot of people with way better time but for me, I worked my ass off! And for anyone who has no clue what this is you can disregard it or google it. It was one hell of a workout! O and my time even beat the hubs, he he he!  ;)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: StartingOffNew on February 25, 2017, 11:53:41 PM
StartingOffNew, Thank you for the kind words. I am not perfect by any means, far from it! I have my rants too, good days and bad, but overall I try to have a positive attitude because in the end that will get you a lot further than a negative one. I really believe that we are each individually responsible for our own happiness .If the environment is bad it is your responsibility to leave. I don't believe in victims, even thought sometimes even I play that card here and there, lol. I know that I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I am committed to my husband, and he is committed to me. We are in this together. It will be a long road but ultimately we will be happier together than we would apart, even though I wanna ring his neck sometimes. 

I don't expect anyone to be perfect, and the fact that you're trying and care means a lot in my book.  And right, you're not a victim.  The fact that you're trying to make things work is a very proactive and non-victimy thing to you.  It speaks to your strength, not your weakness.  It depends on the situation, of course, but often the easier path is to walk away. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 27, 2017, 02:03:51 AM
Thanks StartingOffNew for the kind words.

Today was long!!! We worked in the shop for 12hrs finishing up an order. I was welding for most of it. Our shop was so cold because of all the metal and I still managed to burn myself a few times even through all the layers of clothes, lol. Well at least we made some good progress. Almost done and getting ready to ship out. Feels good to be productive. I am exhausted!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 01, 2017, 12:06:23 PM
Well the last few days have been crazy. Finishing up some orders and then had too go out of town to deliver. It was nice to spend some time on the road with the hubby. We were able to talk about all the changes and everything. He don't really initiate conversation and when there is a lot going on then I find we don't really connect as much. So this drive was nice. I know he has a lot of anxiety about his PIED. I feel like its getting better and I have no complained but he get so in his head about everything. I don't understand the anxiety but I also know that he is going to do what he does. I ask him what I can do to help and he never has any answers. I just need to let him sort this one out I guess.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 02, 2017, 12:12:54 PM
Hi aquarius,

It must be very frustrating for you at times. For me, I had no idea I even had my problem until I had a Eureka moment. To fond out that you are and addict and that you suffer from PIED in any other way is probably a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

I feel really lucky that it hit me like a ton of bricks - I just wish it had happened about 20 years ago. It didn't, so I am where I am.

Rest assured, you have support here.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 02, 2017, 02:59:00 PM
FBS, thank you for your understanding. It is difficult but things have been getting better since our talk. I can see how hard he is trying and how much he so very wants to makes this part of our marriage a success too. He is defiantly stepping out of his comfort zone and I am stepping out of mine to meet him there. Hey isn't that what marriage is about? Meeting half way, right? I am just glad to see us opening up, talking, communicating, and working on this together. I am really appreciating the progress that has been made over the past 10 months. Especially considering that there was a time I wasn't even sure if we were going to make it through this. SO this is nothing short of miraculous.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on March 02, 2017, 03:23:07 PM
I agree, to get on the other side of this with my husband was a miracle!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 02, 2017, 11:37:10 PM
Congratulations to all of you who have successfully navigated your way through the turbulent waters of this addiction and recovery with your marriages intact.

Sadly, mine failed before I found this site.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 06, 2017, 06:03:59 PM
Well so far life feels really good. We went out of town this weekend and had a fantastic time. We have been trying to get in one last visit to some of our favorite places before we leave this beautiful state. This weekend was really fantastic. My husband and I both remarked at how much we enjoy spending time just with our family. Just us and the kids. Both of our extended families are over here so we are usually overwhelmed with family and friends all the time. We have been slowly pulling away from a lot of that chaos. It feels really great. We officially leave at the end of the month and time feel like it is flying by and the move is fast approaching. I have been trying to be respectful to my friends who are sad and going to miss us. I tell them I'm and sad to miss them too, but if I am going to be truly honest I don't really feel much connection to anyone anymore. I am just excited to get out of here! I know that sounds terrible but it is the truth of how I am feeling. I am sure after a bit of time that I will feel sad and miss a few people but overall a lot of my relationships have just been tainted by porn and I am so over all the reminders.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 12, 2017, 12:14:10 PM
Well just over two weeks till the big move! We have been slammed with orders with our business so in addition to trying to say our goodbye to friends and pack we are also trying to wrap up orders and get them shipped before we leave. It is nuts! Busy is good when you own your own business but it is also crazy, lol. The hubby is doing his best to keep the stress at bay. There have been a few times where it has come out in less than positive ways but over all we are doing fairly well considering the high stress situation. Even the kids have had great attitudes! Only a few tears so far but I am expecting more to come when we pull away. They have a of friends they will miss but kids make new friends so much easier than adults do....especially these two!

I took the kids swimming yesterday with a friends (one of the friends who was in the top ten of spank bank FB material). Her kids and ours are really close and she wanted to take them to an indoor water park to do something fun one last time. There were a few moments when I started to let  my emotions creep up but knowing that these outings are going to be few and far between I just reminded myself of all of the work we have done and that the move is coming and the day went well. I am really looking forward to having friendships with new friends.....ones my husband hasn't lusted after, hasn't touched himself and stroked his hard penis,  and fantasized about, ones that the mire image of don't bring him to cum while I was in bed sleeping. Yes I would very much like friendships without that!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 13, 2017, 09:15:16 PM
Well today was an interesting day. I was trying to get started on some of the packing and my kiddos were playing as they had finished most of their school work. Anyway my son stopped at one point and asked me about sex. We had "the talk" with them a little while back but not in too much detail, mostly just covered the main points and answered any of their questions. Anyway today he had more questions. I know that when we did the talk we told them it is was to ask us questions later and not to ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of talking with us about it. I was completely caught off guard today when he asked. I made sure to keep it casual and all but inside I was kinda freaking out. I guess I had assumed a few things. One, that my son would take his questions to his dad. I asked him why he wanted to talk to me and he said he felt more comfortable talking to me about it. I felt sad for my husband that had been closed off for so long and I can see how being emotionally closed has not just impacted our relationship but the relationship with his son too. Also I saw my son pondering things in a new way. He is showing signs of becoming a man. He is growing up and it is happening so fast. It broke my heart and yet made me proud all at once. He is 9. I read some of the men's journals and some of them mentions seeing porn for the first time as early as his age. I hate the thought I my son viewing anything like that but in the same breath I know he will see it sometime in his life. I just really hope he makes good choices. What an emotional day.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: StartingOffNew on March 14, 2017, 10:40:42 AM
I think it's great that your son is asking you questions.  I never had that kind of relationship with either of my parents.  I remember once my dad caught me masturbating and he just slammed the door and muttered "sick guy."  Even if they were cool about it, I would have never felt comfortable talking to them about it, even if they broached the subject themselves in a rational way. 

I guess just when you're talking to them, let them know that they need to be safe and that their sexual urges are normal.  If porn comes up, let them know that doing it too much can negatively affect them.  I don't think you should outright tell them it's not allowed, because a)That will make him feel guilty when he does eventually give into his urges, and trust me, he most likely see it at some point and b) I honestly think some experience with masturbation is healthy.  Do it regularly, but not too often, and not to things that are too extreme. 

'Course, an actual conversation is bound to be messier and more complicated than that, so keep your head on a swivel and just try to be honest.  But I think it's also ok if you opted not to answer some questions if they're not in your comfort zone, or just aren't sure how to answer.

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 15, 2017, 10:32:40 AM
I entirely agree.

My father, custodian of the first porn I ever saw, gave me grief for "Sitting in your room playing with yourself" then presented me with one of HIS magazines at Sunday lunch with the family, saying "If you want to read this, why not read it now?"

He also told me, a confused, insecure 17 year old, that if I turned out to be gay, he'd change the terms of his will...

So we've had a few of "the conversation"s with my 11 year old daughter. We've done some sex, some drugs, some personal safety, internet usage, health... but my main aim is to be as honest as seems appropriate at any point. I won't lie, but I don't think she needs to know that her dad had a porn habit. What she does need to know is that porn use can lead to a habit; that sexting is NOT ok, unless you are an item; that No means No; that being gay is ok and a whole lot more. They do grow up fast...

i just hope that I am seen as an honest, open, dependable father for her to ask questions of. Time will tell, I guess.

Good luck with everything you are facing and working through and love to your family.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 15, 2017, 03:48:04 PM
StartingoffNew & FirstBigStep,
thank you for your insight! I very much appreciate hearing others experiences. I am sorry for your past experiences and hope that you can find some peace and know that you can't change the past but from today forward you can start a new and have a more healthy perspective of yourself and your sexuality. I really pray for great recoveries for both of you!

My husband and I talked and we actually plan on telling the kids when they are older. We want them to know we are human and we screw up. Even their dad. We want them to be able to talk to us about anything and know we are not going to judge them, but just love and encourage them to a better future. We also want them to understand that it can happen to anyone and to understand the importance of the impact porn can have. Obviously they would need to be a lot older but honesty is important. No matter where they go or what they do I want my kids to know that I love them deeply and they need not be ashamed with me. I just want them to feel loved.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on March 15, 2017, 06:38:08 PM
On talking too your kids, even if they are an item.  Once your child hits send, it is no longer their picture.  The other person can share it however they want.  As parents of young ones, watch Audrie and Daisy on Netflix.  If you have any college age or about to be in college watch The Hunting Ground.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 15, 2017, 10:25:30 PM
Thanks for the heads up on those resources - I will check them out. And yes, I agree re sexting, though I have done it with a partner I trusted...and as far as I know, that trust has not been betrayed.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 16, 2017, 11:00:42 AM
Great point Gracie!!! My kids don't have any electronics with Cameras right now but I know its only a matter of time, lol.

Life is still racing by. The move is fast approaching and we are hurrying around to get everything done and say last good byes to friends. As far as this healing progress goes I feel like I am in a really great  place. I am hopeful, I see a future for my family and with my husband, and I feel more love for him than I have for a long number of years. I am not in anyway thankful for my husbands addiction but I am thankful for him stepping out and dealing with it. I see the progress he has made and who he is becoming and I am proud of that work. I feel like I could sit in a place where I could say that he should have been this all along and he should have been this person from the beginning and yes that is probably true but life isn't always that easy and nobody is perfect. I am glad that he is here now. Rather than looking back at what could have been I find myself looking forward at what is coming. I am excited to be his partner and love him so much. There are still days when I feel sad and he still battles performance anxiety and occasional PIED but we talk about it now. He is supportive in a way he never was before. He has always been my best friend and now I feel like we are closer on a new level and I am glad for that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on March 16, 2017, 12:15:07 PM
Great point Gracie!!! My kids don't have any electronics with Cameras right now but I know its only a matter of time, lol.

Life is still racing by. The move is fast approaching and we are hurrying around to get everything done and say last good byes to friends. As far as this healing progress goes I feel like I am in a really great  place. I am hopeful, I see a future for my family and with my husband, and I feel more love for him than I have for a long number of years. I am not in anyway thankful for my husbands addiction but I am thankful for him stepping out and dealing with it. I see the progress he has made and who he is becoming and I am proud of that work. I feel like I could sit in a place where I could say that he should have been this all along and he should have been this person from the beginning and yes that is probably true but life isn't always that easy and nobody is perfect. I am glad that he is here now. Rather than looking back at what could have been I find myself looking forward at what is coming. I am excited to be his partner and love him so much. There are still days when I feel sad and he still battles performance anxiety and occasional PIED but we talk about it now. He is supportive in a way he never was before. He has always been my best friend and now I feel like we are closer on a new level and I am glad for that.

Wow, what an inspiring thing to read! Wonderful.  :D
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on March 17, 2017, 05:17:26 AM
What s fantastic beacon of hope you offer to us all aquarius. You and your husband are a brilliant example of the fact that hard work can get us past this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 18, 2017, 01:24:46 PM
Well 12 days till we drive away with moving vans! I am so excited, a little overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, and so many other things. Mostly excited though! It feels like we are moving to a fresh start. I am happy start off in a new bedroom and have our house set up differently this time. Our current home is small and we had to put our "office" in the corner of our bedroom. Having the computer in the bedroom is defiantly a reminder of my husbands porn addiction. I am looking to set  up our home differently. Having more space to move, have the computer in the living room maybe? Just those little things that can make a big improvement in change in your daily life. I am excited to set up new routines for our family, for myself, and for my marriage. I want to be more mindful of being an encouragement for my husband. He carries a lot on his shoulders. He supports me so much and I want to be sure he is being supported as well. I read a book a years ago called "The kin of Ata are waiting". It was a 70's sci-fi novel. I know I am a total nerd, lol. Anyway in the book there is a village where everyone feeds each other every night. When the main character asked why they said when they fed themselves people when hungry but when they fed each other every left full. That thought process has resonated so much for me. I know it sounds silly but if my husband is emotionally feeding and pouring into me and I in him then we are both supported. With porn I realize that I am giving to him and he was giving to me less and less until he wasn't really giving to me at all. I was starving and he was full. In relationship you have to support the other. If you don't, then it not much of a relationship. I am glad to start this move and the rest of our marriage being more conscious of this in our marriage and work on a more mutually supportive relationship.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on March 18, 2017, 05:54:18 PM
What a wonderful read!  You are doing great.  It takes hard work to take care of each other in a marriage!  I love the fill each other up!  So true!  As long as we communicate we can feed each other!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 22, 2017, 01:31:29 PM
Down to the last week. We have been working like crazy and in the evenings spending the last bit of time with family. It has actually been nice. I have been slacking at the gym a bit though. Only going about 2-3 times a week instead of 5-6 like normal. That has made me feel sluggish. Other than that everything is pretty much the same. Finishing last minute details and getting the packing and organizing done. I am excited for the drive across the country with our kids. Since we have so much stuff with our business and personal we are renting 2 UHauls and towing our vehicles behind them.  We get to drive almost 3000 miles!!! The kids are going to love riding in the big trucks and it will be my first time driving a moving truck. Should be pretty fun. I love adventures so this is right up my alley! I am looking forward to stopping off at random cool sites and just making it a fun and memorable trip.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on March 30, 2017, 07:45:49 PM
I hope your move has been going well and the move is all you hope it could be.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 31, 2017, 08:47:11 AM
Thank you Gracie! Yes the move has been a bit nuts but good. It ended up raining while we were loading the trucks so I fear everything is soaked in there. But overall it's been good. We are thinking it's gonna be about a 6 day drive to get to our new place so we are just taking it one day at a time. I feel a little like the funny farm on wheels. We have two uhauls (one with our stuff and one for the business), two kids one in each truck with us, and in one of our vehicles we have our two cats! It's quite the sight, lol!!! Our kids really haven't been out of the Pacific Northwest much so we are trying to make this drive across country an adventure for them. We just finished day one and so far it's been a lot of fun.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on March 31, 2017, 09:20:51 AM
Don't know which route your taking but the canyons in Utah are amazing, so is Grand Canyon.  Assuming you are heading east.  Be safe.  And just think, you have your whole life with you!  My dad was in the Navy so we had a lot of moving.  I always thought of the Okies and the overloaded trucks moving west.  How necessary it was for them to do, but how funny the trucks looked. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Firstbigstep on April 03, 2017, 07:09:05 AM
You sound like a modern scene from The Grapes of Wrath - my favourite book ever.

Good luck with everything involved in your move.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 10, 2017, 09:44:26 AM
Well we made it. Wow that was quite a trip! We drove from the west coast to closer to the east coast. About 2500 miles! The kids did great. Only 2 little squabbles for the entire trip and we didn't even take any screens for them to play with! That felt like a parenting success, lol. Our favorite part may have been in Nebraska when we found a life size replica of Stonehenge made out of cars. It was quite the sight! We saw lots of other amazing sights too, canyons, cool rocks (had to pull over several times and let the kids play). It was a really cool family experience that I am sure our kids will remember for the rest of their life.

We have been in our new town for about a week. It took a bit to get the internet installed and everything unpacked. We are living in an apt to start while we look for a house. It is a lot different. Our kids have never lived in an apt (or even knew what one was, lol) so I feel the need to apologize daily to the people living underneath us. Overall everything is going well. The kids are anxious to make new friends and my husband and I are excited about a fresh start. It feels really great. There is stress that comes up but it is mostly pertaining to the business and everything needed to get it up and running. Our relationship feels really close right now. We have talked about new routines and he has already been starting to change a few of the old habits. He is an introvert for the most part and I am really impressed with his effort to get out and start up conversations with people in order to develop new friendships. It is really outside of his comfort zone so I can appreciate how much effort the is putting into this change. So to sum it up, for the most part life is good and for that I am thankful.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 11, 2017, 12:05:33 PM
Getting back in the swing of things today. We had taken some time off of homeschooling the kids due to the move so today we are back at it. The kids seem less than excited but they are doing fine. The hubby is a bit overwhelmed today. Not sure quite why as nothing is really different from yesterday but today it has hit him and he isn't handling it well. We had some hiccups with the house close and they have been adding some stress to everything and it seems today it just feels worse for him. There is a lot of work to do at our shop and I can see him spinning his wheels and feeling like he isn't getting anywhere. I have tried to ask what is bothering him and then help with those specific issues. After those things were done then he was still in a sour attitude. Finally I just told him to leave and go somewhere else with his crap ass attitude. If he isn't interested in receiving help then I don't want to be around that and have it drag me and the kids down. I am sure he will figure it out and be better later. I have noticed through this process that yes he has left porn behind but the attitudes that come with it still haunt us. He doesn't transition well from negativity. He seems to sit in it for a while. I know we have a lot on our plate and there is a lot going on. I know he feels the weight and responsibility in that but at some point he has to share that load. I am not interested in being married to a recovered porn addict just to have him be depressed all the time. That is like jumping from one issue to another instead of moving up. O well, I am sure tomorrow will be better.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 12, 2017, 12:35:47 PM
Well my husband was in a much better mood this morning thankfully! We went to our new shop space and made a ton of progress on getting everything set up. Its no where near done but still its nice to see and appreciate the progress. On the drive back to where we are staying I was noticing that the weather is changing and for the first time in a while I got scared. Its been in the high 70's for the past few days and now there are runners with short shorts on and girls are starting to bust out the skirts and such. My husband has a huge leg fetish, like its a big thing for him. He started his reboot at the end of May last year and those summer months were really hard. For the first time in a long time I was actually nervous that he was going to fall into old habits now that the weather is changing. My mind wants to think that maybe all the progress he has made is simply due to it being colder all year and now that the sun is back he is going to become that jerk to oogles every pair of legs he sees only to go home and start jerking off to leg crap again. All of this fear builds up in me. I can't get upset with these ladies as I wear short shorts too. I do crossfit and wear booty shorts cause its hot and they are great for working out in! I get it. My hope is that this summer will be better than the last. That he can control himself and not be a pig about it. I have always figured you can't help the first look cause you don't even know its coming but you can control weather you have a second look. And he can most certainly control weather to whip out his dick and masturbate to porn that he had to hunt down on the stupid computer! Ugg so frustrating. I feel like I was doing so well and then, wham, back to day one. I really hate that, I just want to be over this!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 13, 2017, 11:38:16 AM
Well today is much better. We talked and I feel a lot better. Life here is finally settling into some sort of routine. I still get lost all the time and all but overall things are coming together. Started the kids homeschooling again and glad to have them back into their schedule since they really like that stability. Looking forward to starting up crossfit again next week. I feel like it has been way too long since I have worked out. I think it will help lift my mood a bit too. LOL Also today I am starting a new project to learn some computer programs that would be hugely beneficial to our business, namely adobe Illustrator. First off I am so terrible at technology that I don't even use itunes, for real! So this is way outside my comfort zone but I am excited to try out something new and grow in a new area. So on that note any of you who are actually reading this and a pro at that feel free to PM me so I know who to ask questions, lol. My hubby has been doing a great job of stepping outside his comfort zone and making changes so I wanted to as well.

Also another thing I wanted to mention was a big thank you to this community. It has really been so beneficial to my healing and progress!!! There are no words for how much I have appreciated the support, thought, comments, and encouragement received. Even those who disagree, their different perspective has helped me really figure out what I think, believe, and my thoughts on things. So thank you so much! I just hope I can be a difference for someone in the way you all have been for me.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 18, 2017, 07:34:54 AM
So far things are going good. We had a fun and relaxing holiday weekend. Tried out a new church and met some people that were very nice. Our kids were excited to meet new friends and we even got into on scouts for them. They have been missing their old scout groups so it great that they are going to be able to start up again. I started at a new gym and boy is it hard to come back after taking almost a month off. Man the muscle and endurance goes fast! LOL. I am a little sore today. Thankfully it should take long to get back into the swing of it.

Things with my hubby are going good. We are communicating very well (at least I think, lol) and both of us seem to be handling the stress of everything pretty good. I am very thankful for everything right now and for all of the progress we have made.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 26, 2017, 09:59:27 AM
Finally feels like we are getting settles pretty well here. Boy that was fast. We are still in an apt and it looks like the house we are looking at is more of a "fixer project" than a home so it looks like we will be in this apt for a while. I am trying to get  more comfortable with that idea. I know in the long run we will be happy with this decision as we will be buying a house with cash and no mortgage but right now I am getting a little tired of apt living and we have only been here about a month, lol! This should be interesting.

Things between my hubby and I are going ok. We are continuing to learn and work on communication. I think it is a never ending process. He is learning a lot about himself. Its really strange. As he continues to dig into the deeper issues of his "why" he is learning so much about himself. Sometimes I feel like I am with an entire new person. He is enjoying activities he never used to before. He is more outgoing and talkative with people. Most of it is good but there are some things I am not as excited about. But hey no one is perfect right? I am just learning to accept this new version of him. I will admit that I do still get upset that this is even an issue. Sometimes I feel robbed, and angry at the entire situation and the last 13 years of my life. But then I look at my kids and everything else, I remember who he is and how he is becoming and I don't regret my decision to stick it out. Life is never easy but it can be joyful if we focus on it.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 27, 2017, 08:51:52 AM
Ok I have a terrible confession.... I am in love with books. Its true and frankly getting a little out of hand. My husband and I haven't had sex in a bit and honestly it's my fault. Every time we get a moment all I want to do is read, lol. I had to apologize to him last night. I feel a little bad but the book is soooo good!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on April 27, 2017, 09:39:58 AM
Ok I have a terrible confession.... I am in love with books. Its true and frankly getting a little out of hand. My husband and I haven't had sex in a bit and honestly it's my fault. Every time we get a moment all I want to do is read, lol. I had to apologize to him last night. I feel a little bad but the book is soooo good!

Lol, at least it's not erotic books! ;)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 27, 2017, 01:26:56 PM
Hahaha!!! No not that kind of book, lol!!! Just good ol fashion fantasy with dragons and lots of fighting. I know I am like a kid. LOL!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 29, 2017, 11:39:55 AM
We had a great time yesterday with some new friends who have a kid around the same age as our kids. We went to an ice cream dairy and the kids loved it. Today I am taking them ice skating (they have only tried it 2 times before but both times they just took off and left me in the dust). Should be a fun afternoon. Our family is settling into a norm and it feels good. My husband, is helpful, attentive, and very present in our lives now. It feels like he is part of the family instead of on the outside and we are all walking on egg shells around him. He feels like a center piece of our family now.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 04, 2017, 07:34:15 AM
And life ticks on. So far things are settling down. We have had some issues on the house front and the sale of our house back home has fell through because the buyer lied about his income and his mortgage agent and realtor tried to help him cover it up! So upsetting on many levels. I have noticed that when I am lied to I get way more upset than I used to. Anyway we found out and decided to pull out of the sale. They kept asking for more extensions and blaming it on underwriting. Even before our house was relisted we already had another offer for the exact same amount waiting. The new buyers have supplied verification that they do have the funds to buy, lol. Also our realtor knows the family so she trusts them. Thank goodness. Now we just have to wait another month for closing again! Frustrating, so very frustrating to pay for the move, our rent here and a house across the country!!!

We have been visiting churches in the new town. Last Sunday we went to one that both my husband and I really enjoyed. After we came home and I was prepping dinner and telling him how much I liked it and wanted to make it our home church and he agreed he liked it but wanted more confirmation. I looked down at the handout they gave us and noticed they have a support group for men with porn addiction. He was shocked as that is very specific. We decided to set a time to meet with the pastor to get more info on their church and a better idea of their stance on things but I am hopeful. It would be nice to find a place to be part of instead of continuing to always be new every Sunday.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 08, 2017, 09:03:16 AM
Another great weekend. We had some family time and still got a lot accomplished. Thing are moving ahead. The kids are settling back into their school routines and our business is starting to pick up and get busy. So far things are good.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 09, 2017, 10:03:33 AM
So we are in a new town and the kids have started doing scout and things. We homeschool so those extra things are super important as that is the majority of their socializing with other kids. We usually do a bunch of stuff from soccer, scouts, ballet, church, and awanas. They are busy kids. Lately though it has been slower for them since ewe are still getting settled. Setting up the shop has been slow since we have been trying to watch our $ till our house closes. Anyway my son has been acting up a bit. He is 9 and really ready to make some friends. The other day he was starting to show attitude again (which we don't tolerate) and I just stopped and asked him what was going on. I don't want him to always feel in trouble but I also don't want to condone poor character and attitude either. I asked him if he was doing ok and he said yes but he was having a hard time with himself. He said he was feeling like a huge disappointment and he didn't know how to stop it. I ask him to name three great things about himself and he said that right now there aren't any. My heart was so sad for him. We talked for a bit and we talked about the attitude cycle. How when you feel down everything turn to crap and it hard to pull out of it. We talked about a ton of the things that he is amazing at. What kind of heart he has, and how proud of him I am, even when he does something less than awesome. It just struck me how terrible that must have felt for him. He is 9 and already feeling the pressure of fitting in. He said he is scared to make new friends sometimes. I noticed these are the same cycles I have heard from my husband. These are the root causes that lead to porn. These feeling right now, at this age. I can't shelter him for everything. He will probably see, hear, and have some exposure to porn and other things in his life but I am noticing that if I can build him up. He he is confident in who he is and where he is going then those things won't be as enticing for him.

I had him help make dinner that night, he really love helping with cooking. I even had him chopping some of the veggies and stuff. He pretty much made the entire meal. After dinner I told him that there are lots of things he is good at, including making one amazing meal for us and it was delicious. I just wanted him to feel that he accomplished something great. I wanted him to feel proud of himself. Even his sister said that he is the best brother she could ever have. It really warmed my heart. I hope and pray so much that he can see the person that I see in him.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 11, 2017, 11:12:32 AM
Still getting settled. I feel like my husband is doing really well. I am glad we have made this move. I think he needed a place to start fresh. It was hard to me to loose my old friendships but honestly they were lost the minute I realized that my husband had turned them into porn fantasies. It was hard for me to see my friends who I loved so much and feel they were preferred over me in my husbands eyes. For my husband once he realized how bad this had gotten I could tell that he felt uncomfortable in their presents. They were nice to him and he felt awkward because he had completely exploited them without their consent and knowledge.

Now he is really excited and making new friends a lot easier than he ever has before. I have noticed that I am a little more reluctant but honestly I think its because I just haven't found any ladies I connect with like I had before. Also I am nervous about making friends with attractive women out of the small fear that the past will repeat itself. For the most part I feel good about the progress made. I feel good about where my husband and I are in are relationship but there are still some wounds that will just take time to heal.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 15, 2017, 08:53:54 AM
Well this weekend was hard, not gonna lie. We went to a boy-scout camp on Saturday, just for the day. That meant that all of my house stuff I wasn't able to get to. We had a good time and the kids really loved it. Sunday morning (Mother's Day) we woke, he said happy mothers day and then nothing. I asked if he had anything planned and he said maybe we should go to a vineyard that he has been wanting to check out. It just seemed like he just wanted to do things that he wanted to do. He didn't think at all about all of the stuff I needed to do. Or even what I would have liked to do. He didn't even make breakfast or have the kids draw me a picture. We don't normally make a big fuss out of holidays like that but after everything from the past year and this move I just thought it would have been nice to feel appreciated. This move does help our business but it is mostly for our marriage. It hasn't been easy, and I have been struggling to make friends and find where I fit. I have been picking up a lot of extra work because its just us. I do a lot more of the kids raising where as before he did help a little more. He has said that he would help with some of the homeschooling and frankly in the last month he has put in less than three hrs of help. I have been doing everything else. He has been spending his spare time looking at houses and making new friends. Before we left we agreed not to get too much of a fixer so our time could be used at the business and now he has been looking at all of these huge project houses. I have been trying to be supportive because I am glad that he is enthusiastic about it. Some of the project houses are literally dream houses for him. I just wish that he was that excited about us. I still feel like I am along for the ride here.

Sunday was a boiling point. I know that he isn't using porn or even masturbating. But we have been here for a month and a half and have only had sex once. I hold some responsibility in that as I do like to read at night. Still it just feel like he would rather look and research restoring old houses rather that sex. I am clearly not that exciting to him at all. I feel really taken for granted. I know he loves me but I don't feel appreciated at all. I kinda blew up finally. I was crying and piling all my clothes because I needed to go to the laundromat (since we can't plug in our washer and dryer in our apt) and it was just terrible. We did finally go to lunch and visit a new board game store but it just felt like the only reason he did anything was because I bitched about it.

I have really been trying to be positive and be supportive, encouraging and everything. I just felt so unimportant to him. I know he doesn't mean it to come off that way but it did and does often. Even my aunt sent me a mothers day gift. She did more to appreciate me than my own husband. I just feel like he still thinks about himself more than others. At his most basic level he seems to be self centered and I just feel like the kids and I are in the shadows along for the ride unless I make a big stink about it. I was hoping him removing porn from his life would help with this part of himself. Apparently not. He really is just an ass sometimes....lately its often. All of the things I said were important to me regarding this move have been side barred for his wants and needs. He didn't even notice to apologize.

He has been porn free for almost a year. At what point do you realize that porn or no porn, you are really just married to an asshole. I guess I need to figure out where I fit in this life and if this is really what I want to commit my life to. Cause right now I am living with no family near by, no friends, and I am just in the shadows of someone else's dream. That is not want I want for myself or my kids.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on May 15, 2017, 01:04:42 PM
I know I will sound like a broken record.  And trust me, every suggestion I make about healing has had a lot of tears sometimes for bot of us, but we do have a sense of moving forward. 

One of the best things we did was say sex every other day.  I know for some that is more often than can be managed, but when I used to see schedule sex, I was like pfft, it needs to be turn on time.  However, what ever interval you pick, makes it freeing.   

The other is get the book Hold Me Tight.  Like I said elswhere, I read it out loud and we both talk as I go along.  This weekend was the three demon dialogues.  And I was headed right down the rabbit hole.  She calls it the Protest Polka, I call it Poke the Bear.  And as I got caught up in the dance my husband responded with how can we stop?  Then he said, how do we stop the dance?  And that made me see it differently.  I realized I poke the bear same way every time and expect a new result.  Well that aint happening.  So I asked for his help.

Read about Emotionally Focused Therapy.  It helps sooo much.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 16, 2017, 10:09:03 AM
Thank you Gracie for your input and support. You are always so helpful!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 17, 2017, 09:22:28 AM
Well its been a few days since our mother's day blowup. I have talk to him about all of  this and he agrees that he is completely self centered. We both looked back over the last decade and he started to see how all of the things he has done for me were things of inconvenience. He wanted to do them anyway and might as well kill two bird with one stone so to say. He said he understood and that he wants to work on it but here is the thing. I really don't believe him and I am also realizing how I am caring less and less. I am at a point where he is my friend. He really is a great person, he is the father to my children, sure he isn't perfect but I could certainly do a lot worse. Its just if I want to have an emotional connection with him on an intimate level I have to hold his hand and parent him through it. Well that's not sexy. Nope. Its not attractive to me to have to parent a man through the process of treating me like I am important. Shouldn't I just be important to him and it moves him so much that he want to do things to show me that love? It should delight him to see me happy, That is always how I have treated him. I have sacrificed so much of myself and my life so he could live his dream, I wanted him to be happy because I love him. Clearly he experiences love differently. I am not attracted to this dynamic at all!

I love him, he is my best friend. I am glad that he is working on himself and I want to support him in improving in that. I have no desire to break apart my family and leave. Over all my life is pretty great. I just need to except him as he is. I need to let go  of the notion that this will improve and I need to not rely on him for my emotional support. Let me be clear, I am not planning on having an affair or anything like that. Frankly that is way more drama than I care for at all, not to mention wrong. I would rather just leave than stir that pot. I just feel like I need to learn to invest in good friendship and learn how to me more self reliant for my emotional well being. I am starting to feel like my marriage is more of a friendship and less of a marriage. I am at a point where I am pretty sure he is being honest and not looking at porn but if he isn't, I don't know that I care. I am over it. We have been doing this for almost a year now and the most basic things I was hoping to see change haven't. Sure his dick works ok. I could give two shits about that frankly. I wanted a partner. I got another child. I am committed to this marriage. But it is more out of convenience and my love for my best friend. I love him, I am just not "in love" with him. It is hard to feel passion for someone who you struggle to respect. I am there now. I hope it gets better, I am just not going to hold my breath on this one. In the mean time and am just going to start following my dreams and he can figure out how to deal with the rest. I have supported him for over half my life, if he doesn't want to support me then maybe I don't need his support? I will start prioritizing my need for myself. I have always felt guilty about it. Last fall I took a Jewry making class and loved it. I even got some supplies to start making some things and I haven't touched it since November. I think I will start pulling that crap out! We don't have room at our apt but I am sure I can find some space somewhere. I have always wanted to travel out of the US. We went to the UK for our honeymoon 13 years ago. I am going to renew my passport and maybe I will take a trip with the kids. I don't need him for me to achieve my dreams.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 17, 2017, 06:23:02 PM
Well we have been talking a bit since our last discussion. One of the other partners sent me a video to show him. It is a sex addiction counselor who made a video helping men understand how to support their partner through the partners recovery. It was not about the PA but about the PA understanding the partner. Well he watched it and we talked later. One thing he said was that he didn't fully realize that this is a life long fight. Everything made sense to me in that moment. He has been under the misconception that he can work on him self and just be over it, and I should too. Like he makes a check list and then does everything on the list and then he is recovered, done. I don't think he ever realized that he is an addict. He will always carry that tendency and I also don't think he fully realized the severity of his addiction. I do think there have been moments when he realized the severity of my hurt. I think those moments were like waves, they come and go. He sees and understands that I am hurt but I think part of him feels like I should be getting over it by now. I think because he never relapsed that he feels he wasn't that addicted. Well he was/is!!!! The man experienced PIED for over 10 years!!!! He would lie and hide for over a decade and he thinks it "wasn't that bad"?!?! 

He agreed that yes he was starting to understand the severity of the problem. He sees how he has done a lot wrong over the past year and again he is apologizing to me about the hurt he caused. Again he is saying that he will "try harder". I am not even sure what that means, lol, also not sure I care. Just so frustrating to be doing so well and come so far just to realize you are right back at the beginning. He would read articles about PA and literally think that some of the things relate but that he wasn't really that bad. So much arrogance! Yuck.

I know he means well. I know he is trying, even though it is a pathetic effort. I know that he does love me as much as he knows how to love. I know he is my best friend. I know he is the father to my kids. I know he is not a terrible father, in fact he is pretty good. SO for all of those reasons I am still here, and still committed. It just sucks.  I am so frustrated.

I don't want it to sound like I am discrediting all of his progress but more that yes he stopped looking at porn, yes in moments he has tried to understand my pain, and he has tried to find why he started looking at porn but he never took full ownership of what it means to be an addict and because of that  he not only can't fully heal himself. But he also can't really be much of a support to me either. When he diminishes his addiction, it feels like he is diminishing the hurt I am feeling too.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 19, 2017, 09:00:25 AM
Things are starting to get a little better. He is slowing becoming more and more aware of just how much of his life has been effected by this. He is going to start going to a support group here next week. I think meeting other PA's in person on a weekly basis will be really great. I am hoping that it will help him stay focused and have some accountability for his recovery, aside from just me. Also it would be great if he had some friends who understand what its like and can be supportive. For me, I can see that I am still a bit on the depressed side. I think there has just been a ton of changes and this past week was a big trigger. Also we have the D-day anniversary looming and I think it has made me more sensitive. I am really glad and proud of his progress of being able to not look at porn for a year. That is a big deal, really. But there still is a long way to go as far as everything else. He still battles some severe performance anxiety and it makes intimacy difficult. I think he has moved past PIED and on the Performance anxiety. He says he doesn't know but he is really in his head about...well everything, lol. I am going to get some counseling to help me process everything. Hoping that maybe we will both start improving.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 22, 2017, 01:40:41 PM
So far things are ok. The hubby is still trying to stay focused and keep up with his word and commitments. I feel like after a blow up he really does good for about two weeks. So i am kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. We shall see. Other than that the weekend was great. Got my bake on over the weekend and made Cinnamon Rolls and ham&Cheese rolls with the kids. They seemed to really enjoy getting in the kitchen with me. So far just hanging in there. The hubby has his fist PA meeting tonight and I can tell he is a little nervous since its a real group that meets in person. I am glad that he is going.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on May 22, 2017, 02:35:53 PM
Sounds good, A25. Be happy wherever and whenever you can - baking sounds fun. Take it one day at a time, see how it goes. Things can improve further - and don't forget the gains you've both made.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 24, 2017, 07:30:00 PM
Thank you again Malando, you are a great encouragement.

The meeting went well for my husband and he says he is committed to continuing to go. I guess only time will tell if this sticks or not. I am going to try and remain hopeful because frankly being filled with suspicion only hurts myself. I am learning to draw better boundaries and learning what those boundaries might be. Seems like sometimes you don't realize an area needs a boundary until your are already experiencing the hurt from the lack of one. Does that even make sense?

As for myself, well honestly I am feeling a little lost. I just don't seem to feel like myself for some reason and when I don't feel right making new relationships is difficult. I find I am quite a homebody as of late. I have been trying. I make sure to get one at least once a day and go to the gym to a group class and socialize a bit. I just feel like I don't really know who I am much anymore. I am trying to figure it out, there is just a part of me that feels forever changed an I am not sure how to sit with it. I am working on trying to rediscover myself it is just really hard. Our business requires creativity out of me and I am so far from inspired. I am trying but my concepts and ideas feel very forced.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 26, 2017, 09:00:42 AM
Well another week has pasted. So far things here are pretty uneventful. Our house closing has been delayed but should be closing finally in the next few weeks. We are pretty ready to to buy a house in our new place. This apartment is getting pretty small and crowded. Even the kids are ready for some more room. They are ready to unpack the rest of their toys and things. O well hopefully the next two weeks will fly by.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 30, 2017, 07:44:57 AM
Well we had a pretty good holiday weekend. I finally started getting a little more social and opening up to a few ladies that I like alright. Overall is was a fun weekend. Found out that our house in Oregon in finally going to close in the next two weeks!!! I am so excited because that means we can finally buy a house here and move out of this apt! That is so relieving!

Over the weekend the hubby and I had a conversation about sacrifices made in our relationship, not even about porn. He expressed some guilt for some of the things I have given up for him and he acknowledged how he does see that it hasn't been fair. I gave up my education for him to receive his. By the time we was done we had kids and all that comes with it.  I had never really herd him verbalize that he saw and understood that. It was nice to know that he does see these things and cares. It made me feel good to know he understands. That was a big step for him.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 31, 2017, 10:07:19 AM
I have been working through a 12 step book designed specifically for partners. It is really great! I can see how far I have come and areas where I need more work. There are exercises and things it has me do and they have been helping my mood and overall mental health a lot. Overall I feel like I am in a lot better place. I have also been doing some research and considering changing some of our homeschooling curriculum. There are a lot more resources in this area so it is exciting to try something new.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on June 01, 2017, 09:15:58 AM
I have been working through a 12 step book designed specifically for partners. It is really great! I can see how far I have come and areas where I need more work. There are exercises and things it has me do and they have been helping my mood and overall mental health a lot. Overall I feel like I am in a lot better place. I have also been doing some research and considering changing some of our homeschooling curriculum. There are a lot more resources in this area so it is exciting to try something new.

That's great to hear, Aquarius. Sometimes you just have to let things ride for a bit, then wait for your gumption to come back - and you've got plenty of that! Sounds like the worst is behind you now. :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 02, 2017, 09:32:47 AM
Arg! Kids are so horrible!!!! They can be so mean! My son was trying out for a travelling soccer team. He is 9 but his birthday is in December so he is the youngest and smallest kid out there. Anyway there are 27 kids trying for 20 spots so not all the kids will make it. They divided the kids up and were having them scrimmage. Well none of the kids would pass to my son because they didn't know him. He would be wide open and in perfect position and they wouldn't even consider it. Then he would be aggressive and get the ball and as soon as he got it all the kids would scream at him to pass it. So he didn't really get to show much of his skill. He is a really good player and I could see just how frustrated he was. Finally, near the end, he ignored the team and just scored a goal, the coaches weren't even looking. He was so disheartened. It's a two-day tryout so he is going back today. I am hoping and praying that it goes better. He is keeping his head up and he said he is just going to do his best but he said he isn't sure if he will make the team. My heart is just crushed for him. Even on the water breaks, the kids didn't even talk to him. They just clumped amongst themselves. He is having a really hard time fitting in. There is a local rec league here that he could play on he has just had bad experiences on those cause he is a really good player and he ends up scoring a ton. He said he wanted a team that will challenge him. He really had his hopes up for this. I am just so sad for him. Hoping and praying tonight goes better. He is such a good kids and he just loves everything about the game.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 05, 2017, 07:22:26 AM
Well, my son completed his second day of soccer tryouts. He gave it everything he had. He played so well! He was super aggressive and scored several goals. He showed great footwork too. He wasn't the best out there but by no means the worst either. He definitely showed the most passion and spirit. It was crazy hot and when the other kids were tiring and slowing down he just kept pushing. I could see how much he wanted this. In the end, it appears to be a good ol boys club. He didn't make the team because he is an outsider. Sucks for your kid to experience politics like that at 9 but o well. He will be stronger and learn from this. As a mom I am so sad for him. I could see how hard he tried and just how crushed he was but I also know this is an important lesson and I can't shield him the world. I can only love him and encourage. By the end of the weekend, he pulled his soccer ball out again and started playing in the back yard. Said he would try out next year and that he will keep playing and make sure to be even better. I can see that it wasn't his skill that caused him to not make it but I am glad that this experience didn't make him want to quit but rather made him want to be better.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 06, 2017, 03:07:06 PM
Owning your own business and homeschooling makes all the days just blend together. I feel like I have no barring sometimes on what day of the week it is, lol. Every day feels like Friday and Monday all at once. SO far things are going alright. I have started a 12 step program designed for partners and it has me fill out a bunch of stuff. I have to go back through this last year and list my feelings from d-day to where I am now. It is interesting to see where I have improved and in areas that I have sorta stalled. Overall I think it will be a good thing. The kids are starting to finally make some friends and get out a little more so they are excited about that and life feels like it is starting to fall into place.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 07, 2017, 08:52:44 AM
I am trying to post daily as part of the 12 step for partners program I am working though. I am reading the book and doing some exercises on my own as the group didn't seem like a good fit. It has been interesting to reflect on this last year and see the areas where real progress has been made. Also to see the areas where I overlooked and tried to hide, or disregard and how those wounds have festered. I am hoping by going through all the cobwebs of my heart that and dealing with everything that I will find more peace with everything. I feel like I have experienced moments of peace, but they are fleeting. I would really like to come to some sort of stability with this experience.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 09, 2017, 02:07:31 PM
Not a whole lot new so not much to report. It's Friday and our daughter is at Girl Scout camp so I am hoping that we could do something fun with just our son. My hubby wanted to go out with some friends I just don't think that would be much fun for our son, he is 9. He doesn't really have any friends yet so I think he feels a bit lonely. I know my hubby just wanted us to go out and meet people I just felt like dragging our son to a thing with a bunch of grown-ups (that I don't even know if I really even like) isn't really a great way to cheer him up on a Friday night. We will just have to see how it goes, I guess. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 12, 2017, 07:23:20 AM
Overall it was a great weekend. We took our son to a free concert in the park and he had a great time. Then Saturday he went to a new friends house for a slumber party so my hubby and I had our first kid free night in months. It felt weird. We have been here for 2 1/2 months but it still doesn't feel like home. Having my daughter at camp and my son gone just felt odd. I am hoping once we move out of this apt and into a house that is our it will start to feel more home like, I am just not there yet. I wasn't even in the mood for sex. First kid-free moment and I totally ruined it. We really haven't had much sex since we have been here. Some but not enough. It just feels weird, being in a new place that I am still getting comfortable with. Our bedroom in the apt has lots of windows that face windows to other apts and I just feel so weird. Like there is not privacy, lol. I can't explain it, I just can't seem to get in the right headspace. I don't think I am the only reason either. We both have been working and running around a crazy amount and are usually exhausted by the time we get to bed. I know these are just excuses and I need to prioritize it more, it just hasn't been a priority. I am hoping to work on making more of an effort this week.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 13, 2017, 09:54:19 AM
Well, my husband went to another meeting. I am really surprised with how serious and quite frankly the amount of effort and priority he is putting into this. I don't really want to get my hopes up but at the same time, I want to be encouraging. He seems to be putting our family as his first priority. His remorse seems genuine and he seems to be doing everything he can to heal himself and be a support to me. It is bad to say it weirds me out a bit because I am not used to this person, LOL! Part of me keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop and doesn't want to get hopeful about this progress, but at the same time, I want to celebrate it none the less.  I am glad to see how hard he is trying, it means a lot. I just hope the effort stays for a consistent length of time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 13, 2017, 10:35:15 AM
I understand feeling weirded out by the sudden change in behavior, like, "wait what's going on?" For me, on the days I see an improvement I let myself enjoy that, but am also remaining cautious in my hopes. I hope he keeps it up!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 13, 2017, 01:25:47 PM
So true Anna, thank you for the reminder to stop and enjoy it. I try to appreciate the positives but at times I can get negative. The reminder is good. Every once in a while I will even re-read my journal and see just how far we have come. It is good to do when I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I can go through and see that we have made so much progress even when it doesn't feel like it every day. Little by little things get better and over time is a big difference.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 14, 2017, 06:54:53 PM
So I have been working through this book and reflecting on myself quite a bit. One thing I notice is that I allow myself to get scared a lot more easily now. I do a lot of things out of fear, and that is not a good place to be making decisions from. I am working on making more of an effort to not view things from a place of fear. I was in a conversation today and realized just how much I keep quite and don't share my thoughts and feeling out of fear of others. When I do that I am devaluing myself self. That isn't a path to recovery at all. I am working on making steps to stand up for myself. I even talked with my husband about it and he completely agreed. He seems really happy to see me coming back to a bit of awareness of where I was and where I am today. Before all of this, I had a lot more confidence. I really want to work toward getting some of that back. I am tired of being afraid and really I don't have anything to be afraid of. That is a good thing to realize.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 19, 2017, 09:38:46 AM
We went out of town this weekend to visit my sister who was having a baby shower. She also has a son who is just a few months older than our son. After being on here for a while and reading all of the journals in the various PA sections I started to realize just how young boys are when they see porn for the first time. My son is 9. Her son is turning 10 in August. Some of the men who come on here start around age 10. My husband and I are very careful with "screens" around our children. We don't watch much tv at all. In fact, we have a rule in our house that our kids aren't allowed to look at any "screen" Monday through Friday morning. So basically only on the weekends. That includes phones, computers, ipads, tv, all screens. I never really thought about how different that is from the norm but after spending a few days seeing just how much time my sister's son spends "playing minecraft" all by himself in his room, well it kinda scared me. I didn't freak out or anything, at least not that anyone could see. I would go check on them all the times though! I don't have a say in how she chooses to parent. I did try to mention that he is getting older and she might want to have a talk with him about things. She was shocked! I told her boys can start masturbating and looking at porn around that age. It had never even occurred to her! Her son is already socially awkward, and a huge introvert. My heart just breaks for him. It made it a bit of a tough weekend, emotionally that is. My heart just breaks for kids when I see them so focused on screens and not engaging in life. It's almost like I can just see it happening and there really isn't any sort of prevention that I can do. I try to politely mention these things but if parents don't want to figure it out then there isn't anything to do. We incorporate the conversation of charact in our daily conversation. Part of our homeschool curriculum involves memorising different character traits and discussing how to embody them and why they are important. People look at us like we are the freaks, but I have to ask why aren't more parents doing this?!? I just hope there are still some good men and women out there for my daughter and son to marry someday. It is sad how prevalent this problem is and it feels like everyone has their head in the sand.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 19, 2017, 10:07:04 AM
I can relate to what you're feeling. I know that since I've ben pregnant, Cody and I have been discussing parenting a lot. If I hadn't met Cody I never would have been aware that if I had a son this would be a problem, let alone at age 9 or 10. I can tell you that we are also limiting screen time in the household once they are of age, where they are going to want that stuff. We agreed that no phone with internet until high school, and if they need/want a phone prior it would be a very old school flip phone with no internet and limited texting. Also Video games are not going to be in our house until they are older and then Cody said he wanted to make sure they enjoyed the "right" games (as in simulator style for flying planes or driving cars) because there are so many video games out there that are porn-like. We agreed we would teach out kids the dangers of technology as they grew up and started asking for it (it's not only porn, having kids exposed to screens at certain ages is actually proven to be harmful to social development). So we hope to teach our kids to play outside, and engage with people and the world, rather than be stuck behind a screen.

I know that I've been around people's kids in the past year that are ages 9-13, and most of them are sons. I suddenly worry when I realize how old their sons have gotten and seeing how much they are on their phone. I really don't think many parents are aware of this issue.

I agree, it is sad that this problem is prevalent.I have to say I admire your parenting. It must be tough but at the same time rewarding because you know they won't be behind a screen 5+ hours a day. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on June 19, 2017, 08:48:58 PM
Ok, so I am a grandma and I say just speak about it.  Not in a gross way but talk.  I show my grand daughters in ads, manequins at the mall etc. And ask why do you think girl mannequins have legs open?  They are not elementary age, older.  The boys you know this is what people say about...and then choose topic at hand what do you think and we talk.  We can only plant seeds, let them know they can talk to us.  And we can keep talking!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 21, 2017, 08:23:20 AM
Anna, being a new parent is almost scarier than having kids that are well into elementary age. I say that because you are living in the land of "what if".  My imagination is a terrible place to reside sometimes, lol. You two will do fine. Gracie is so right! Just keep talking. We talk to our kids a lot about things. I want them to know that they can tell me anything and not to be scared. We have already had the sex talk with them but I think our son is at the age where we might need to consider having the porn talk with him too. Our daughter still has a bit of time.

There are times when I am so surprised with how much my husband has struggled with character. Our kids used to attend a charter school (they went 3 Tuesdays and the rest was homeschool) and it was centred around character. The school was literally a character education school, lol. He would help with their character lessons, lol. The irony, right? The kids memorize different character traits each month, the definitions, and "I will" statements on how to achieve good character. There is a constant conversation in our house about what character is and how it has an effect on the world around you. When the kids act up instead of disciplining the action we talk about the character behind it and what traits they were missing in that moment. We have them repair damage caused by lack of character and then make a plan and write a paper on how to improve that charact trait for themselves. We try to deal with root causes.

My husband has been working on talking with our kids about how we parents are still working on our character too. We try to give examples of how we miss the mark and what we are doing to improve as well, so they have an understanding that character is a life long process. I really think that working on this root of character will transform a person, especially a recovering PA. My husband is learning so much about self-control, learning how he was objectifying people instead of seeing them and honouring people for who they are. Not much honour in porn. He plans to share this with the kids as they get older so they can understand and fully realize the transformation he has made. Maybe they can not make the same mistakes? Our hope would be, by teaching and parenting with a character foundation, they become humans that exude quality character, love, and have a sense of peace and how to achieve it in their life. I want them to have all the possibilities available and I don't want lack of character to keep them from following whatever passion they have.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 22, 2017, 08:32:23 AM
Well, as soon as you think things are going good everything starts to unravel. I think that God has a sense of humour but maybe I am the butt of the Joke? So to any of you who have read the first part of my journal then you would know my D-day consisted of finding undies that were not mine. They ended up being a friends and my husband had "found them" and was using them to masturbate with while watching porn. Well yesterday, it was almost like deja vu! I found another pair of panties!!! They are my sisters....my pregnant sister. I found them in the laundry.

So there are two explanations:
1. Our suitcase was right next to her laundry hamper and I can reasonably see how they could have gotten mixed up in our clothes. SO that isn't out of the realm of possibilities. But it is hard to believe when it's two weeks from D-day anniversary and this is not the first pair of panties I have found. Seems odd that this would happen again, considering the timing.

2. He took them and he has relapsed. Now if that is the case then I really need to look at things. That would mean he took my pregnant sister underwear to masturbate with. I can't be married to that. I just can't. That is borderline predatory. I can't live with that.

He swears he has no idea how they got there but he didn't know anything about them. He said he saw them when he was doing laundry and thought maybe I got new underwear. They aren't even the same style that I wear. It also didn't occur to tell me or ask me about them. I just started folding laundry and there they were. If he is telling the truth, it requires me to trust him. That is something that we are working on but I still don't have a lot of trust for him, and with this...well yeah. The other part that bothers me is his reaction. It didn't occur to him that this could be a trigger for me? Considering the history he didn't even think that maybe he should bring it up first because it could be upsetting? He doesn't do nice little things for me, even when I tell him that would be nice. He didn't do anything for mother's day until I broke down crying. I feel like I have to beg for his attention. He just went to work. When he got home he didn't even bring it up. He was there in the morning when I found them and he said he was sorry and that he didn't know about them. He could see I was upset and that was it. He just left. Later that evening he didn't even bring up the subject for several hours and even then he was just trying to defend that he didn't take them.

At some point, I have to realize that I am not a priority for him. His actions clearly show that I don't even rake in the top 5 of priorities. I feel like he is married to me because he loves our kids but that me personally isn't really his thing anymore. It felt like D-day all over again. I  can't believe after all of this progress that we would be right back here. This is so stupid. I am feeling so down and defeated, it's beyond words. I not even sure what to do from here forward. I am trying to sort out whether I believe him or not. Its basically between him being a complete sicko or a complete self absorbed ass hole. Do I really want to be married to either of those? Honestly?
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: AnonymousAnnaXO on June 22, 2017, 10:25:53 AM
I am so sorry you went through that! I know that I still get triggered sometimes, and my guy misses the mark on occasion, but he does apologize after.

I am hoping that he hasn't relapsed. Sometimes with the addict brain, they still don't think about the obvious of mentioning those things to us that might trigger us. It's very frustrating. My guy was like that until a couple weeks ago when we were reading Hold Me Tight and started EFT couples therapy. I haven't read through your entire journal, but have you guys ever tried counseling together? Also, Hold Me Tight is an amazing book, and I know Gracie has been speaking praise for it too. We started reading that book before we found an EFT therapist, but the book helped us a lot after listening to the podcast https://soundcloud.com/loverice/the-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson I don't know if you've listened to it, or if your husband has, but it really is worth listening to.

I can understand that if he did use your sister's underwear that obviously crosses a very big line and is unacceptable. I really hope that he just didn't think when he found them and forgot to tell you, rather than the potential of him relapsing. I hope you are able to take care of yourself today and stay strong through all these tough emotions! I'll be on and off throughout the day if you need to vent and message me.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 23, 2017, 01:23:31 PM
We have been talking a bit and things are ok. I actually think that maybe he is telling the truth. It's almost like a cosmic joke. Seriously what are the odds, lol. Really crazy. But here we are. He is really going to try and work on himself and continue his recovery. This situation brought up a lot of things I was hanging on to. Some resentment that was building and I am hoping that we can work through this. Taking it one day at a time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 25, 2017, 08:31:03 AM
Well, things are still moving. Slow and steady. We started some of the work on the house we are buying and that felt good to get going. It's nice to see forward momentum. My husband is still doing well with his recovery, aside from this recent setback. He is still going to his 12 step group and is looking for a sponsor. When we first moved to this town and met with the pastor at the church the groups is held at, I had asked about a partners group. He said they didn't have one. Recently he emailed me and said he wanted to have a conversation about what that would look like. He said it has never occurred to him to have a partners group but after I mentioned it he could put the idea aside. So maybe that will be something? I am extremely nervous about the idea of me helping start something like that. I worry about what other people will think of me, my husband, our family, our business. We just moved here and are still trying to get to know people. But I also see that God is clearly doing something. I need to trust and not live in fear of others opinions of me. I really don't have great self-esteem for some stupid reason care way too much about what others think. So maybe this is a way for me to deal with that crap. Who knows. We will just have to see how it goes. One day at a time.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 05, 2017, 09:21:15 AM
Just crazy busy. Did a lot of work on our house and our business is busy too so we are just juggling lots of stuff but it is all good stuff. We had a great holiday weekend got the chance to connect a little more with some of the neighbors. Over everything is going good.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 06, 2017, 08:16:37 AM
Things are coming along. We measured and drew out some plans for the house we are fixing. It's a big project but we should be able to do all of the work ourselves for the most part and pay for everything with cash. No mortgage! I am so amazed by that. Pretty exciting to think about. I am amazed by how much our life has changed in the last year. Hubby hit the one year mark that this week is our d day anniversary. I feel hopeful for what is to come. He still has issues, as do I, but we are both committed to working on them and sticking this out. We are working towards rebuilding the broken trust and shaping our marriage to a better future. Overall I feel blessed.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 08, 2017, 03:29:07 PM
Spent the day working on our house. We have been super blessed by the neighbourhood community here. There are a few families that have been letting our kids play at their house while we work. It is so helpful. The best part is when they come home and I hear what a huge help our kids were and how kind they were. I feel so lucky to have such great children. Really they are amazing. They are both super sensitive though and I can't imagine what life would feel like for them if my husband and I had split. I am glad that we are committed to being a family not just for my husband and I but for these amazing kids too.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 10, 2017, 06:32:09 PM
Life keeps moving. I am slowly letting my guard down and allowing myself to connect with some of the ladies here. They really are amazing women. I just get nervous and scared. I have been reflecting a lot of that attitude of fear. Why do I even have it? It is a dumb, self-destructive attitude to carry. It doesn't help me in any way what so ever. It just breeds insecurity. I need to let go of my concern for what others think of me. What do I care of someone likes me or not. If they don't then they have just freed up my time in that relationship so I can have more time for the ones that do, right? I also want to show my kids what confidence looks like. If I can't display that to them who will? I don't want them to grow up with this insecurity and go though like carrying it. It doesn't feel good. I want them to be full of humility, confidence in who they are, and above all else love for themselves and others. I want that for myself too. I am working on it little by little. Learning to love myself more.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 12, 2017, 08:08:40 AM
Had an interesting conversation with my kids this morning. My son is so fixed on the concept of "fair". He has a strong heart for right and wrong and fair. My heart just breaks for him because that attitude will create so much hurt in his life if he can't get past it. Really learning grace is such a hard thing. So today over breakfast we talked about "fair" and how it honestly doesn't really exist. Nothing in this world is fair, and if that is all you focus on and let it consume you then you miss out on so much! He was complaining about his sister getting the last of a cereal and it wasn't fair. I just started agreeing, that isn't fair, but there are kids in this town who don't get breakfast. Is that fair? We started talking about all kinds of things in the world that aren't fair. We talked about love. We talked about being happy for others when opportunities arise, even if they aren't fair. We talked about how that impacts our lives and how joy can be infectious.

I reflect on that conversation and think how that applies to my husband and I. Nothing about being the partner of a porn addict who received is fair. When I get caught up in what is fair, resentment starts to creep into my heart. If I let that consume me I would destroy this marriage. That would be on me, and it wouldn't be fair to my husband who is working so hard to change his life. But when I let go of "fair" and I allow myself to be filled with love. Then I am excited about our future. I have hope for what is to come. I am amazed by his progress and am glad we are doing this together. I am going to try to keep my own advice that I tell the kids and keep my heart filled with love, joy, peace, patients, and be filled with the fruits of the spirit. When the attitude of fair come up I need to let fo of that and focus my attention forward.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on July 12, 2017, 10:05:55 AM
Fantastic post, A25. Very wise and insightful. I think we must strive to be fair-minded, but not be obsessed with every outcome because you come up against forces you have no control over.  You have to cut the best deal you can sometimes and move on - whatever that means in the context concerned. Otherwise it becomes resentment - and resentment is the worst state to live in. It will literally kill you: good health is impossible when living in a toxic environment like resentment. So I think you are right on the money there.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 13, 2017, 10:39:08 AM
Thanks, Malando. Your encouragement is appreciated.

Last night the family went down to the park to listen to a Band my husband and I love. We met about 17 years ago swing dancing. One of our favorite bands to dance to happen to be playing last night in the park. We have wanted to see them live for 17 years and we finally got to last night. Pretty cool opportunity. It was really great to be able to dance again with this man who I have been dancing with for 17 years. Even before we were dating he was always my favorite dance partner and still is today. Saturday another fun band is playing too. Pretty exciting that this town we moved to just happens to have all of these amazing opportunities for us to fall in love all over again. Feeling really blessed.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 18, 2017, 09:57:02 AM
Well had another productive weekend. We have been putting a lot of work into the house here in our new town. It is a big project. I have been going back and forth with that feeling of overwhelming. Sometimes when I think about everything on our plate it just feels like so much. Then I start breaking it down into pieces and make a list. Start chipping away at things and it feels a lot more manageable.

My hubby and I are doing good. We take every Sunday off from work and do a family day. Those have been going really well and we are settling into this new town quite nicely. Overall things are good. Our business is staying busy and that is good. The house project is coming along and our other house should be closing this week, fingers crossed. The kids are starting to make friends and get more settled into this town. We have even found a church we like. So, all in all, I am very thankful.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 21, 2017, 01:51:54 PM
Well, learning patience is so hard but it is here. We have been working on our new house project and our old house still hasn't closed. They were supposed to sign yesterday but again we are still in a holding pattern. This experience has been so crazy and exhausting. Everything that could go wrong has. It seriously should go down in the books of crazy house selling history, lol. I have been doing well managing the stress. My husband has been struggling. Granted, I have had my moments but overall I have been hanging in there. I think as he has been processing and delving into himself as he deals with this addiction he has come to realize just how num he was. He was living life without really experiencing all of it. Now it's like he is feeling everything. So when we experience high stress he feels overwhelmed so fast. I am trying to be supportive but it can be trying. I feel like I am not only trying to handle and manage my own stress and emotions but I have to help him process his as well. I feel like I have to hold his hand a bit and that can be frustrating. Hopefully, it is almost over though. Just trying to hang in there and keep my head up.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on July 21, 2017, 03:18:10 PM
It's true, using porn is very numbing to all aspects of your emotional life. I used it to dull feelings related to how I was feeling about myself, to deal with anxiety, to distract from a second addiction to sugar, to escape from intense feelings of loneliness, to avoid worrying about finances. Most of this for me was only directed at myself because I wasn't in a relationship for the majority of my addiction. So I was mostly only hurting myself, but it was a heavy price to pay. Being addicted means you don't really make good progress on a lot of these things. Indeed, it was my relationship and the arrival of my daughter that actually prompted me to get serious about looking into how I was really going in my life - and that led me to realising I had an addiction. It wasn't because I had ED or anything, I just found myself looking at different aspects of my life and wondering if I could do better - and wondering why I was feeling so numb about a lot of things. Eventually I clued on to the fact that this addiction was robbing me of my energy to deal with real things properly. It takes time to recover the sensations after such prolonged numbing - like having years of anaesthetic and then having to wait for it to wear off.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 24, 2017, 01:42:19 PM
The weekend went well. Our house in Oregon finally closed!!! So glad to have that sold and done with. I feel like now I can be more present here instead of feeling like we have one foot in each city spanning the entire country. Paying for two households is way too much.

So my parents have been in an RV driving across the country and coming for a visit. We weren't expecting them till Thursday but I just received word they will be here in a few hrs. The kids are over the moon excited. Me, not so much. I have so much anxiety about their visit. We are still living in a 700 sq ft apt and working on our house. It doesn't even have water yet. There is a lot of work to do on it, but hey it was $10,000! LOL, no mortgage feels great! We can have them park their RV in the back yard and our apt is only three blocks away but there are no hook ups for them. I am nervous about them not liking the town, house, and life here. Then I will have to listen to them constantly nag about it.

There is another underlying thing fueling my anxiety....my husbands PA. A few months after D-day I mentioned some of the details about my husbands PA to my mom. Basically, she asked because she knew something was up and I came clean and told her that I had recently found out that my husband had a porn addiction. I didn't go into any details about it. Her response was that I needed to "put out" more so he wouldn't want to look at that stuff. She has never mentioned it since and I haven't brought it up either. Every time I see her, I always feel like there is an elephant in the room that is draped in judgement. I know she is upset that we moved. I know she is mad that we "took her grandchildren away". She reminds me every time we speak, lol. But she doesn't understand all of the layers as to why we left. SHe just sees it as an opportunity for our business. SHe doesn't know that we had to for our marriage. It feels so good to not constantly run into women my husband masturbated to. To feel inferior and small around all my friends because he preferred images of them to me. She doesn't understand how much hurt I felt all the time. Instead, all I got was that I needed to have more sex. Well I couldn't, my husband had PIED!

So here I am, just trying to breathe. Trying to stay calm. Praying that this will all work out. Wishing I had a mother who was supportive instead of a huge trigger and hinderance.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on July 24, 2017, 09:03:50 PM
The weekend went well. Our house in Oregon finally closed!!! So glad to have that sold and done with. I feel like now I can be more present here instead of feeling like we have one foot in each city spanning the entire country. Paying for two households is way too much.
Congrats! Now you can move ahead with nothing dragging you back. :)

Quote
So my parents have been in an RV driving across the country and coming for a visit. We weren't expecting them till Thursday but I just received word they will be here in a few hrs. The kids are over the moon excited. Me, not so much. I have so much anxiety about their visit. We are still living in a 700 sq ft apt and working on our house. It doesn't even have water yet. There is a lot of work to do on it, but hey it was $10,000! LOL, no mortgage feels great! We can have them park their RV in the back yard and our apt is only three blocks away but there are no hook ups for them. I am nervous about them not liking the town, house, and life here. Then I will have to listen to them constantly nag about it.
I would just suggest that you completely ignore any negative insinuations they make about your new house and town. Don't defend it, just leave them be with their ill-considered ideas. They don't know what you've been through and there's no way they could ever know. Just stay centered and know that you did the right thing for you and your family - regardless of how it looks to anyone else. If they push you to breaking point, just point out that they have an RV and they're welcome told drive their house to someplace more to their liking!

Quote
There is another underlying thing fueling my anxiety....my husbands PA. A few months after D-day I mentioned some of the details about my husbands PA to my mom. Basically, she asked because she knew something was up and I came clean and told her that I had recently found out that my husband had a porn addiction. I didn't go into any details about it. Her response was that I needed to "put out" more so he wouldn't want to look at that stuff. She has never mentioned it since and I haven't brought it up either. Every time I see her, I always feel like there is an elephant in the room that is draped in judgement. I know she is upset that we moved. I know she is mad that we "took her grandchildren away". She reminds me every time we speak, lol. But she doesn't understand all of the layers as to why we left. SHe just sees it as an opportunity for our business. SHe doesn't know that we had to for our marriage. It feels so good to not constantly run into women my husband masturbated to. To feel inferior and small around all my friends because he preferred images of them to me. She doesn't understand how much hurt I felt all the time. Instead, all I got was that I needed to have more sex. Well I couldn't, my husband had PIED!

So here I am, just trying to breathe. Trying to stay calm. Praying that this will all work out. Wishing I had a mother who was supportive instead of a huge trigger and hinderance.
We're in the middle zone between two very common attitudes:

Oldschool - a woman must "satisfy" her man to keep him - and by extension stop him acting out with porn.
Newschool/post internet - porn is normal, everybody who doesn't have hangups has no problem with it.

The people in the middle who are aware of the dangers of porn face a world with little knowledge or recognition of the problem. It's a hard sell to get people to listen or understand. We can't make most of them understand. Unfortunately the main way people learn is to have it affect their lives - usually in a very damaging way.

Older people have usually foreclosed on further development - they think they've lived long enough and seen enough to think they know enough. It's a shame because there is so much to learn in this life. But if your mom has decided that porn is just something men do when their wife doesn't put out, it's an attitude that will probably be very hard to shift because it already sounds judgemental and dismissive. That means not only does she struggle with the idea itself, she also is resisting your message about how your life has been affected by it. She's seeking to minimise it.

Unfortunately, most of us have to accept the limits of what our parents can offer us. I'm dealing with the same thing with my parents. They are a bit less capable every year in terms of what they can grasp and what they care to put effort into. I'm at the point where I'll only try once or twice to get them to understand anything - if I am still getting resistance, I drop it because I don't like bashing my head against a brick wall. It sounds sad and defeatist, I suppose, but I need to protect my state of mind and not invest in futility.

Anyway, stay calm and breathe! Good luck!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 01, 2017, 06:43:06 PM
You are so right Malando!!! My parents are part of an old narrative that is before the internet. I am learning to really understand the phrase "take it with a grain of salt", lol.

I haven't been able to post as much because I have been working like crazy on our house and spending time with family. Life seems to be hard to juggle right now. All good things just a lot of them. Our house is coming along but it sure is a lot of work. Hanging in there!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 04, 2017, 07:52:22 AM
Well, lately I have been working on appreciating myself more. Learning to love me and see myself as beautiful and capable. If there is one big takeaway I have realized this is it. I have changed and compromised so much of who I used to be for my husband in an effort to compete with porn. Some compromises weren't even conscious. I have gone from a confident, outgoing, spunky, full of life, creative, spirited woman who loved her body and appreciate who I looked and was comfortable expressing it. Now, if I am going, to be honest, and make myself vulnerable, I don't like myself. I have a hard time hearing someone pay me a compliment much less say thank you or even think about agreeing. I have a hatred for my own skin. I try to cover it up as much as possible. I am physically uncomfortable in my physical skin. I feel like it is a coat of horrendousness that I cannot remove and I am embarrassed and ashamed of it. I even sometimes get mad at my husband for calling me beautiful because I think either he is lying to feel sorry for me or he must have terrible taste and he just likes ugly women. This hatred and that really is what we are talking about, a deep seeded hatred, well it's not ok. It is scary honestly. It feels terrible.

Over the years I would occasionally catch my husband or come across his porn. We would have a big blow up and then move on. What he didn't know, I would compromise. Mentally telling myself that he must need that because I am not enough. I would go back find those images and study them. There was the bench mark for what I needed to be and wasn't. I have tried everything from only allowing myself to eat 1000 cal. per day for months to waxing everything.....I mean everything. It hurts btw, lol, just don't do it, trust me! Nothing really helped, ever. Then I would go into a mode of self-hatred and eat cheese cake or something for self-pity.  On the outside I appeared confident, inspiring, and like I had everything together. I don't believe that I have ever really told anyone about this level of self-loathing that I have for myself.

This attitude is my responsibility. I take full ownership of it. Sure years of porn can do some real mental damage of a persons mental well being. I am responsible for allowing my husband to have that effect on me. I am responsible for myself. So today I am consciously making an effort to change this attitude. I want to love myself and I want to show my daughter what loving yourself looks like. Any thoughts, exercises, or tip are greatly appreciated. My small goals:

To say three nice things about myself and try to mean them.
When someone pays me a compliment to accept it and sit with that uncomfortable feeling. Not just change the subject real quick and move on.

My three nice things
1) I am creative
2) I love people, I truly love people
3) I am strong, like for realz, lol. I can back squat 255lbs, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on August 04, 2017, 09:43:50 AM
I can relate to much of what you wrote there, Aquarius. The only difference is that the direction is reversed. I was taught to hate a lot of things about myself when I was growing up. I think this weakened my self-esteem enough to make me highly vulnerable to porn. After all, if you become convinced that you are no good, it's only logical that you aren't going to be getting anywhere with girls. So porn becomes your sexual outlet. After a while things moved on and by the time I was 18/19 I did have a girlfriend, but I think a lot of patterns were already set in place - and for some reason all the girls I went out with were not bothered by porn. So I had little incentive to quit it. The decision to quit came purely out of myself and how I want to feel within myself and within my relationship. I felt like porn wasn't good for my emotions, and put a barrier between me and my partner. 

Porn is all about what you can't have - if you're a woman, you can't be as hot as all those porn girls. If you're a man, you'll never be able to have these hot girls. It's designed to mess with your head - whoever you are. I'm convinced that the makers of porn know what their material does to people. They build the addiction by manipulating our feelings and desires. They need their target audience to have a low self-esteem. That's their stock in trade. It's insidious.

I tried eating feelings, numbing myself, using porn, hating myself. The list is endless. But it gets you nowhere until you do what you said above. You gotta own your shit! I think that's half the battle in life. And not just the self-pity version that sounds like you're owning it when really you're not - "I'm useless, I'm no good, I'm ugly" etc. That isn't owning it at all. That is self-deafetist at best, some sort of bargaining with God at worst. But what it isn't is owning it. Owning your shit means having the courage to look at yourself and identify what is good and what is bad and what needs work. It's understanding that you alone hold the power to change what you don't like - regardless of what's happened to you in the past. It's really hard to own your good parts when your confidence is down. That's probably the hardest thing to do. But you have to do it because that is what you have to rebuild yourself on. You can't build yourself up from a clean slate. You are who you are - you have to start from somewhere. So the logical thing is to figure out what is good and functional about yourself and then use that as your platform. That means affirming these good things so you don't forget them. The more good things we recognise in ourselves, the more we want to grow those things.

As far as accepting compliments - that's an important one. It's very important to be able to accept a compliment because it's only half about you and the other half is about them. They want to pay that compliment because they are inspired by what they see and it makes them happy - maybe you even inspire them to be better themselves. So even though it might be tempting to swat away compliments or reject them entirely, it's not a nice thing to do to them. They might feel rejected, disappointed that their inspiration doesn't care what they think or doesn't believe it. They might feel foolish or like their values have been ridiculed or rejected. It makes their world less special to have their compliment rejected. So even when we feel that we don't deserve a compliment, it's important that we remember that it's important to the person saying it. We must learn to not argue with compliments and accept them with grace and humility.

Nice list! I think you're a whole lot of nice things. A lot more than 3.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 06, 2017, 08:12:24 PM
Thanks Malando, you are very encouraging!

I am heading out of town for a few days to go up and visit my sister with the kids. She just had a baby and my parents are up there too. I am excited to see her and get away from the house for just a bit. My husband I think is also excited for us to go because he is looking forward to uninterrupted work time. He is hoping to make some good progress on our house and get caught up on all of the business stuff. Things are starting to pick up there too and it is making everything very busy. Just trying to manages everything and not feel overwhelmed. We had a nice family day after church and relaxed a bit. I am really glad we had a moment to do that, it was really nice.

At church today I had a man from our discussion group pay me a very high compliment. I wasn't expecting it at all and it caught me a bit off guard. I initially downplayed what he was saying but then he just kept on saying how impressed with me he was and how he really appreciates my perspective. I finally just sat and said thank you. I was mentally trying to just accept it and be ok with someone appreciating me. It felt awkward but good. I hope one day I can see in myself what he sees.

Positives:
I am unique
I lead with my heart
I love others
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: PE30 on August 10, 2017, 07:55:50 AM
Gah, just accidentally deleted a post!

But it's really interesting that you posted about self-compassion - I'd posted a similar thing (from a different perspective) on my journal prior to reading yours. It's so important yet so difficult.

For the record, you've been really encouraging to me and I've valued your wise words and counsel. It's clear that you are an encouragement to many others on here. It's a gift; thank you for sharing it.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 11, 2017, 01:23:19 PM
PE30, thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate hearing that I am a help. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am that annoying gong sounding, lol, so it's encouraging when I get positive feedback from others. I also like knowing that others are reading and listening. There are days when I feel like I am typing to myself, lol, so it's comforting to know I am not alone. That is one thing this site has really shown me, I am not alone. No matter where I am at in my hurt and my recovery, no matter how small I feel, I know that I am not alone, and that I matter. I am trying to understand that more and more. I want to make an impact in this world and help spread love and not destruction. That really is what I feel my true heart calling is, to love.

I spent most of the week with my sister and family camping. Every time I see my sister's son I get more and more concerned but not sure what to do. I had talked with her shortly after D-day when my hurt was really raw and at the surface. At the time I wanted to just walk away. She was one of the few people encouraging me to stay, as she just finished a long drawn-out divorce and said it really isn't worth it. We haven't spoken about everything since. She finally brought it up and asked how it was going. I told her about it. I talked about how big of a problem porn addiction is, especially in younger men. How allowing a ton of screen time wasn't helping this situation. She seemed surprised by how big of a problem this is but in no way associated it with her son. I mentioned that this is the main reason we don't allow a lot of screen time for our kiddos. Her son and my son are about the same age. Her son turns 10 this month. He has a tv in his room, a laptop, an iPad, and his own cell phone. He is on them most of the day every day. He surfs youtube watch funny cat videos and Minecraft stuff. Half the time she doesn't even know what he is looking at because he is up in his room. When we visit all the kids just go up there and hang out. I try to politely mention that I am uncomfortable with that but then everyone attacks me for being a stick in the mud. They act like I am freaking out for no reason. I have read countless journals on here when men started watching porn at this very age!!! It bothers me that her son could expose my son to porn without her ever knowing! Not sure how to handle this but I do feel like I need to figure out something. Advice anyone?

3 positives:
I care about my kids and their future
I am empathetic
I totally rock out the workout today. (My time was even better than my husbands, lol!)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on August 11, 2017, 06:11:50 PM
That is indeed very worrying, Aquarius. If your nephew is already using screened devices that much, I would say he already has an addiction to the bright and colourful stimulus of computer screens (dopamine response modulated by visual stimulus and anticipation of new material). After that, it's only a matter of time before that progresses into adult content. It will be when puberty really kicks in and he and his peers start getting curious and talking about sex. If he has unfettered access to these devices, he will be googling everything he hears about in the schoolyard and beyond. The internet has become a place where kids go to confirm everything they hear - they want to see pictorial examples of everything, especially the more salacious stuff.

So no, I don't think your worrying is unfounded. I would classify your nephew as "high risk" in terms of vulnerability to porn addiction. Living with a single parent means there is less supervision and your sister possibly feels like letting these devices do what she can't do is helping (keeping him busy and entertained). But it isn't. The more kids use these things, the less they develop socially and the more they become hooked on the content they watch. In fact, giving a kid a device of every possible configuration and leaving them unattended with them is basically exactly what you would do if you were trying to get them addicted and onto the path of porn discovery. There's no question that sexual material is coming next. Trust me, as somebody who used to be a teenage boy! I am certain my addiction would have started around the age of 11 or 12 if I had been born in the internet age and with the opportunities your nephew has. That's the result of low parental supervision and a lot of isolation and loneliness.

I don't know how you tackle this with your sister. It sounds like she's a bit in denial about what you're saying. But I do think this is emergency level stuff. Your nephew is on the brink of something major that's going to shape his life in a big way. I hope you can find a way to reach her.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 14, 2017, 10:30:30 AM
Thanks, Malando, I appreciate that I am not the only one who thinks this is a problem. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me who is having the problem and I am being too sensitive or if it's a real problem. I think good boundaries for our kids is really important.

On a different note, our Pastor has asked me and my husband to pray with a couple who is really suffering due to porn addiction. We both felt really honored that he thought of us and that we could lend support. I am also getting ready to start my partner's support group and I am actually very excited. I have noticed that my confidence in myself builds the more I help others. I think that says a lot about who I am. I definitely have a servants heart. I don't really like constantly saying all of these positive things about myself, it makes me sound full of myself or something but I am trying to slowly be comfortable with acknowledging that I am good at things, I have talents and gifts, and it's ok to say so. It still feels weird but it is slowly getting better.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 16, 2017, 08:06:53 AM
My heart feels heavy and I am saddened by how much hate is in our world and country today. (I am in the US) So today my goal is to spread love wherever I can. My hope would be that we band together and have love be infectious. Let it be louder than the hate.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on August 16, 2017, 12:50:36 PM
I agree. But as the our culture shifts away from closeness, I sometimes think it is easier for hate to slip in.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=53XyCbIJGKY

The Youngbloods.  Loved this song!  Yes I am that old!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: PE30 on August 17, 2017, 03:11:30 AM
It's really sad to see the events in the US, but in particular Trump's failure to properly condemn neo-Nazis. I was watching a clip of one of your talk show hosts and he said something like this: "Trump said there were many sides.... there were two sides. And one of them had Nazis on it."

I guess from my point of view as a British guy - I know that Trump is not representative of the USA as a whole. I was in Florida (Gulf coast, not Disneyland!) in February and met dozens of Americans, all of whom were lovely, kind and welcoming. There are more many, many more loving people in the USA than hateful people.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on August 17, 2017, 06:39:37 AM
Thank you!  I hope people elsewhere think that this is us. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 17, 2017, 07:26:08 AM
PE30 & Gracie, I completely agree. Yes, there are much more people who don't align with his message but just like life, it seems the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So the loudest one seems to be what opinion is based on. That tells me that the rest of us need to be louder. We need to step up and show the world that this is not us. We are more than this.

I also am a bit saddened and shocked at the entire situation because it reveals a deeper issue. It shows the character (or lack there of) content of our nation. Trump is a narcissist, and frankly quite scary. I really view porn as a symptom of a greater problem. There are many symptoms in our culture, not just in the USA, but around the world. People don't seem to prioritize character and an importance much anymore. There are plenty times in history where it was much the same and honestly those weren't fun times. Your personal belief or religious view can differ and you can still maintain good character and a good moral code. Our lives seem to be so self- centred that we have often lost the ability to relate to others. I talk to teens who actually don't even know what character is...literally!
THe character of porn is the same as many other things in our culture but look at what you display when you are consumed by that lifestyle
self gratification
lying
shame
disconnect from others

In order to leave it you must put yourself aside. You must think of others, go outside and get a life, be your word, have goals that make you want something more than self-gratification. I think that is why single men have a harder time. they are not accountable to anyone but themselves. THe best thing they can do is go make some friend and get a life. We are not meant to be hermits, I really believe, no matter your religious affiliation, that we humans are best in communities and support each other. Those communities can only exist if we create them.

Sorry for the rant, I am passionate about this, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 22, 2017, 07:18:30 AM
Things here are good overall. We had a speaker at our church. He is the guy that leads my husband's 12 step group. He gave his testimony and was bringing awareness to this problem and letting men know that this group exists. He also mentioned my group (not my name). He just said that a group is forming and gave an email address for more info. I thought I would be really nervous about this but as it starts to take shape I am just getting really excited. I was able to talk to his wife a bit after, we went to lunch. It was so nice to connect, face to face, with another woman who understood. Sometimes when I am going through difficulties regarding this situation, I feel like I am crazy. Having that affirmation that another woman out there that I can see and hug is going through a similar thing was so amazing. I try to be encouraging most of the time, it nice to know that there is a safe place to just be. Ths forum has been so therapeutic for me and I excited to bring something like this into real life. I have also noticed that I am more confident and less insecure when I am helping others. I really want to do things that build me up. If serving others does that then I welcome it. My husband has mentioned for a while how he would like to speak more about this problem. He thinks shame is such an isolating factor that makes this problem more wide spread. Talking about it and taking that risk shut down shame. I could see how inspired he was. I am still not in a place where I would be comfortable for him to just go around speaking at churches or anything. I wish I was, but I am just not... not yet. I am really impressed though with his courage. He is so confident in who he is and he is very compassionate with me in his willingness to wait until I am ready as well. I can see the man I married, the man I believed him to be, in who he is becoming day by day.

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on August 22, 2017, 02:41:45 PM
Well, woo to the hoo!  (A mathematical computation  LOL)  This is good to hear.  I understand what you are saying.  It takes a lot to do a team thing.  Sometimes when I have watched a partner and addict the partner appears soooo cheerful.  I do not think they give the bottoming out enough airtime.  Not that I want to revisit that but there are things that cause it to be right under the surface as we walk this walk of partnership.  The PTSD part is so real.  I feel women need to be validated more on the impact it has on them personally.  In Love You, Hate the Porn, there is the analogy that we are pushing a loaded apple cart and when we find out the apple cart spills and all the apples come out and we cannot get them back in the same way they were and there are some apples missing.  (Run on sentence to the max I know) 

You and he have come so far!!!!  Good for you!  And now with the church talking maybe your group will get a good start!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 23, 2017, 07:21:57 AM
Thanks, Gracie! Yes, I have read that apple cart story and I thought it described things pretty well. This experience has been quite the roller coaster but I am learning how to roll with the tide and come out stronger. It is a lot like swimming in the ocean. If you fight the waves you will be exhausted and drowned. But if you just relax your body and allow yourself to float you kinda just roll with the waves of emotion and allow yourself to experience them. Then you don't become too exhausted. I feel like I am there. The emotions still come, I allow myself to feel them. But I don't allow them to consume me and take me down. Porn addicts might have urges to watch porn but for us partners, I feel like there is an urge to let the hurt consume you. If we aren't careful that can be almost an addiction for us. My continued theme is to look forward to the future. When I look to where we are headed and what we are working towards I am hopeful. When I look at the past I am filled with sadness and hurt. So I pray daily and look ahead knowing that today is only one day. If it is a bad day, then tomorrow will be better. If it is a good day, make the most of it. Over time, there have slowly been more good days, that is where the memories and healing start to happen.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on August 23, 2017, 09:28:41 AM
I know what you mean. In the beginning, I would say, "I will get through this day and not cry."  Sometimes I did it and sometimes not, but I became a big believer in "One day at a time."  And then there is dealing with the cultural view that it hurts no one. So my husband now does not believe that.  We were both incredibly surprised at how deep the wound was.  And how much his view of us, me, him, our kids, our marriage etc. had changed.  He found out that he did not have to go through things alone or in his head.  And he found out that by sharing he actually became a stronger person and more able to face things. 

Two together can always do more and are strengthened to carry more.  (Just my own little saying)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 25, 2017, 07:58:59 AM
So true Gracie! Two are stronger than one for sure!

Here things are getting busy. My parents are finishing up a visit with my sister and are coming back to see us and stay for 2 weeks! We are hoping that they will want to help us work on our house as we are wanting to move in sometime next month. There is still a lot to do! Also, our shop is having an open house. We don't really feel ready but the other person in the building is having an open house and making a big event of it so it would n't look good for us to be closed. SO ready or not here it comes. We have been putting so much energy into fixing our house. We have been staying ahead of our orders but haven't put much effort into decorating our shop because we aren't usually open to the public anyway. Now we are scrambling to get it looking nice and set up staging areas. I feel like a crazy amount but I am sure that it will work out. I am learning to have peace about these things and trust that what will be, will be. I can only do my best and that will just have to be enough.

I figured with everything going on that my husband and I would probably be snippy with each other. We are also juggling homeschooling the kids too! However, overall everything has been great. We have been communicating well and really trying to just support each other. He has been helping and encouraging me when I get overwhelmed and I him. He used to never be this attentive and caring under stress. I am very impressed with the person he is becoming. I am excited to get to be his partner. When this process started we were happy but we did have our fair share of problems. After D-day I thought he would never be who I thought he was, I thought all was lost. Today, he isn't there yet, all of life is a growing process for all of us. But he is slowing becoming an even better person than I thought him to be. He is pouring into his character and learning who he is. I am finding myself slowing falling in love with this new person even more. I just keep my eyes focused on tomorrow.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 05, 2017, 08:08:45 AM
Well, my parents are still visiting. We have been so crazy busy! I am exhausted. Between working on our house, working on our business (which is slammed), homeschooling, and trying to be hostess to my family....its just nuts. Only a few more days left and they will be gone. We are hoping to move into the house we have been slaving on in a few weeks too. In Oct we will finally go on a family vacation. I am really looking forward to it. I think in those moments I really appreciate all of the work we have done to keep this family together. It feels like when life is busy I get so wrapped up in all the things I need to do that I forget to appreciate what all of the hard work is for. Vacation is a time that we can be together, enjoying each other, and really appreciate this life we share. My husband is still doing well as far as not looking at porn and is really understanding just how much work is needed on his root causes. He is also realizing and really wanting to not recreate those issues in our son. We have been talking a lot about parenting and what a healthy life might look like. Every time we discuss it I can see the frustration he has towards his parents and just how far off base they were. We can't go back and change yesterday but we can decide that tomorrow will not be the same.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 08, 2017, 08:20:05 AM
Still pretty busy as tomorrow we have a big opening in our new shop space. We have been working around the clock in so many directions. One thing I have been noticing and really appreciating is just how great we have been working together. We haven't been bickering or anything. Just really focused and on task. Even our kids have been stepping in and helping where they can. They bring their school work places and have been doing a great job and getting their work done without me asking. Our son (9) even helped his little sister (7) with some of her math instead of stopping us. It was really sweet. We took them to dinner with my parents a few times and let them have milkshakes just because I think they are amazing. This family bond wasn't here years ago. I am seeing just how much our family is changing for the better. I am so thankful for this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 11, 2017, 03:10:26 PM
Well, we had our open house at our shop and it went really well. So much work was put into making our space look great, it was amazing to see it come together. The parents left this morning and we are hoping to put in some real hours into working on our project house in hopes of moving into by the end of the month. So looking forward to a vacation at the end of all of the insanity! Glad to be doing all of it with my husband who is my best friend still and now a more present partner. So glad that we do not have porn in our lives anymore.

I have had a few triggers with my parents in town and was glad to realize that I recovered from them a lot faster. I feel like I still have a lot of healing to do but I have come a long way. I am able to over come hurt a little better than I did months ago. That is a positive.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 14, 2017, 07:18:28 AM
Just trying to pop on here on a little more regular basis. I have found when I don't come on here as much I am less conscious of my recovery. Then when a trigger comes I feel more blind sighted by it. When I am on here and engaged I find I am more focused on my healing and I tend to feel more prepared for triggers and they are easier to handle. The support this community offers to PA and us partners really is amazing. Thank you.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 14, 2017, 07:40:03 AM
Just trying to pop on here on a little more regular basis. I have found when I don't come on here as much I am less conscious of my recovery. Then when a trigger comes I feel more blind sighted by it. When I am on here and engaged I find I am more focused on my healing and I tend to feel more prepared for triggers and they are easier to handle. The support this community offers to PA and us partners really is amazing. Thank you.
We're all here for you, friend! :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 18, 2017, 10:03:30 AM
Thanks, Malando. I so very much love and appreciate your encouragement. Bit of a crazy weekend. I may have had a bit of a breakdown, lol. Kinda blew up. Way too much going on and trying to do way too much at once. I had to ask myself why there is so much on my plate and had a big conversation with my husband. He has done a lot in his recovery, but some of the areas that I have put boundries and asked for support and gone to the wast basket. In addition to his inconsistency, I haven't been consistent with my enforcing the boundries. He has a tendency to over-commit to doing too much. When we took on the project house he agreed to still be able to manage family time and having us still be able to enjoy time together. That hasn't happened this entire summer has been working every spare moment. My parents came to visit and they helped work. THe few times we did go and enjoy the area, he stayed home to work. He agreed to help with the homeschool and hasn't helped at all. I feel like everything has just been piled on my plate. I know he is working crazy hard too, but I just have to wonder, is it necessary? He put this move in date so crazy soon that it just isn't realistic and now we are all exasperating ourself to achieve this stupid goal he has created. I have been trying to be encouraging and positive but this weekend I just broke. Doing a complete gut and rebuild on a 2800 sq ft 150yr old house, while running a growing business, homeschooling two kids, and doing the things needed for our personal recoveries, not the mentions ballet and soccer and scouts for the kids. Well, you can't do it all. Something has to give.

I think my freakout was a real wake-up call for him, I just wish I didn't have to have a mental breakdown for him to see I am struggling. Babysteps, right? Lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 18, 2017, 10:45:00 AM
Thanks, Malando. I so very much love and appreciate your encouragement. Bit of a crazy weekend. I may have had a bit of a breakdown, lol. Kinda blew up. Way too much going on and trying to do way too much at once. I had to ask myself why there is so much on my plate and had a big conversation with my husband. He has done a lot in his recovery, but some of the areas that I have put boundries and asked for support and gone to the wast basket. In addition to his inconsistency, I haven't been consistent with my enforcing the boundries. He has a tendency to over-commit to doing too much. When we took on the project house he agreed to still be able to manage family time and having us still be able to enjoy time together. That hasn't happened this entire summer has been working every spare moment. My parents came to visit and they helped work. THe few times we did go and enjoy the area, he stayed home to work. He agreed to help with the homeschool and hasn't helped at all. I feel like everything has just been piled on my plate. I know he is working crazy hard too, but I just have to wonder, is it necessary? He put this move in date so crazy soon that it just isn't realistic and now we are all exasperating ourself to achieve this stupid goal he has created. I have been trying to be encouraging and positive but this weekend I just broke. Doing a complete gut and rebuild on a 2800 sq ft 150yr old house, while running a growing business, homeschooling two kids, and doing the things needed for our personal recoveries, not the mentions ballet and soccer and scouts for the kids. Well, you can't do it all. Something has to give.

I think my freakout was a real wake-up call for him, I just wish I didn't have to have a mental breakdown for him to see I am struggling. Babysteps, right? Lol.

I'm sorry to hear that it's been tough for you, A25. It does certainly sound like the project was too ambitious to complete so quickly -  even without a family life to preserve, let alone with one. I think this kind of manic overcommitment to big projects is coming from a not so healthy place. It's what addicts tend to do when they generally feel a certain malaise of low dopamine. There is a certain rush that comes with a huge challenge and a deadline. It becomes one's reason to live, almost. There's also that horizon dream that once this huge mountain has been climbed, everything will be perfect thereafter. It's almost like deferring living in the here and now for a promised future that is somehow better. But the here and now is so precious. It's the heres and nows that builds up to the makeup of our futures. That's why it is very unwise to lose oneself in the future and let the present suffer. Ignoring the needs of the here and now can make that imagined future harder and harder to reach.

So I think it's time for a bit of a reality check. The assumption that you must complete the house at breakneck speed needs to be challenged. Would it really matter if you took an extra 2,3,6 months to complete it? I think learning to moderate one's behaviour is paramount to recovery from addiction. I know this myself. Being extreme never gets you to the promised land. Of that I am sure. It's unsustainable, and the rush wears off. That's what makes people return to their old ways (not necessarily referring to porn there, just general patterns of behaviour that might be problematic.) So I think it's worth looking at this situation as part of the recovery from addiction process and asking some tough questions about what sorts of avoidance and inner lacking might be driving this extreme schedule you're on.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 18, 2017, 01:18:57 PM
Yes! That is the exact conversation we had! We are setting new goals and I am putting new boundries into place. I don't want to enable this manic work crazy. I also want to be a model for my kids of what a healthy lifestyle looks like and this is not it! So today I am focusing on school with my kiddos, I will put in a few hrs of computer work on our business, hit the gym and not work at the house tonight! We might even go to the library instead as I want to get a book! LOL
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 20, 2017, 10:42:08 AM
So I went to a bible study for women this morning and I had an interesting experience. I have been trying to start a group for partners but I really haven't got much response. Apparently, this is an issue that nobody really wants to acknowledge yet. Anyway, I thought, well, I still need to be connecting and growing so I would join a woman's bible study. The first chapter in the book we are reading was about forgiveness. Ugg! As the group was talking and sharing about different things it finally sank in for me just how much I am forever changed by this experience. Not sure if it's for the better or not. I just know that I just can't relate to others like I used to. It is a bit sad. It makes me feel more isolated and alone with this. It feels a lot like grief. I am on the fence about whether I want to go next week or not. THe ladies seem nice but it is clear in their discussion that they either haven't experienced a profound hurt or they are not wanting to deal with it. I am in a place where I don't have time or desire for surface level friendships and conversation. I want something real, authentic, meaningful. Is it just me?
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 20, 2017, 11:31:36 AM
So I went to a bible study for women this morning and I had an interesting experience. I have been trying to start a group for partners but I really haven't got much response. Apparently, this is an issue that nobody really wants to acknowledge yet. Anyway, I thought, well, I still need to be connecting and growing so I would join a woman's bible study. The first chapter in the book we are reading was about forgiveness. Ugg! As the group was talking and sharing about different things it finally sank in for me just how much I am forever changed by this experience. Not sure if it's for the better or not. I just know that I just can't relate to others like I used to. It is a bit sad. It makes me feel more isolated and alone with this. It feels a lot like grief. I am on the fence about whether I want to go next week or not. THe ladies seem nice but it is clear in their discussion that they either haven't experienced a profound hurt or they are not wanting to deal with it. I am in a place where I don't have time or desire for surface level friendships and conversation. I want something real, authentic, meaningful. Is it just me?
I think you are picking up on a very real phenomenon, Aquarius. With the bible, concepts like forgiveness are very much aligned with high moral values that are inspired by God. That tends to mean that people feel they should practice forgiveness, even if their real emotions are not there yet. They try to adopt the behaviour of one who has forgiven because they know that that is what God wants them to do. But that is a somewhat disingenuous form of forgiveness. It's doing it in name, but not from the heart. It may even be sinful to invoke and project forgiveness in God's name when deep down you don't feel it. I don't know that one can really be taught forgiveness, or be required to forgive out of respect for God or another person. It just doesn't work that way. I'm not meaning to sound anti-God here either - I think it's something people often misinterpret. God doesn't want people to forgive because they are supposed to. Forgiveness is a process that people should work towards because it frees them from the chains of bitterness and pain. But it can't be rushed, and you can't just declare forgiveness because you want to. You have to be ready to move on, you have to have processed the pain and reached a point where you can leave it behind. I think a lot of church folk (but certainly not all) have lived relatively sheltered lives. They may not have experienced a lot of trauma in their lives - and more power to them if they haven't, but if they haven't, it can make them unable to really grasp what a person who has experienced real trauma may have to go through to reach forgiveness. In the absence of that experience, they might trot out lines from the bible which speak of forgiveness as a choice we make - and it is a choice, but it's not a choice that is made quickly or easily depending on what has occurred. I think they might misunderstand what God is asking them to do. It's not that we must forgive, but that forgiveness is a state we should aspire to because it means the end of our pain.

So maybe this sense you got was to do with some of these women truly not having the experience of trauma to really understand how difficult it can be to reach forgiveness. Or maybe they are trying to adopt a forgiving stance because God teaches forgiveness, but they are in denial about the fact that they have not in their hearts really reached that point. Both are problematic because neither can help somebody who it really dealing with trauma, and neither can guide somebody towards forgiveness. It's tough, but they probably just can't do it because they don't understand it. You'll have to forgive them their ignorance! ;) But maybe this isn't the group for you. You are very honest and self-inquiring - that might make it hard for you to gel with them.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 20, 2017, 01:34:50 PM
Malando, I agree. I feel like for me forgiveness isn't even for the person I am forgiving but rather it's for myself. It is something I choose daily as a posture, not a one-time act. I position myself in a posture of forgiveness because the reality is that I am no better or worse than them. I am on my own journey just as they are on theirs. We have happened to bump into each other and it hurts. Some hurts are bigger than others. If I don't forgive them then I am the one that ultimately loses. My heart gets clouded by bitterness and that festers into resentment. It keeps me from being able to hear the holy spirit and to love others authentically. Most hurts aren't caused by an attitude of malleus (some are though) and usually, if you peel back enough layers most hurts cause is a product of a hurt they experienced. Knowing and understanding that allows me to have a better understanding that we are all broken and just trying to survive most of the time. It shows me that grace can be given even when you feel you don't have much. It protects my heart from being soured by this world.

I am realizing just how much I am wanting and needing real relationships. Wanting connection. Wanting support and love. I miss having girlfriends I can get together with and talk about our lives over a glass of wine. I have been trying to make friends and we have made a few but none with real meat behind the lighthearted conversation. I am wanting a connection. I am a fairly easy person to open up to and a few of the ladies have opened up to me a bit. But when I realize that the most profound moment in their life was about losing a friend in high school because she moved away...well I just can't relate. I need friends who understand what trauma and real hurt is. I have a hard time being open with someone who I can't really understand. Maybe I am just being too judgemental myself? I am realizing as a result of this experience that making friends is hard, now more than ever and I am also realizing just how important those friendships are.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 20, 2017, 11:15:48 PM
Yeah, it can be hard to make friendships at this stage of life - just because a lot of people have their social circle kind of set, and they aren't necessarily taking new applicants. ;) But I think if the right person comes along, you hit it off, and then the only thing left to do it put in the effort to see each other. I've found my best friends have come in the most unlikely places - never when I was really looking. I think anybody would be super lucky to have you as a friend. You have such great qualities. I'm sure some good friends are on their way to you. You just have to wait for them to arrive.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 21, 2017, 07:33:52 AM
So I had an interesting trigger yesterday. I think I handled it pretty well. I had a friend call who I hadn't talked to in a while. She was a good friend, however, I have distanced myself from her as a result of discovering that my husband would masturbate to FB images of her a lot. Apparently, she was a fav for him as well. She called and we talked for a bit. Just catching up on life. Our kids were really close to her boys had written a bunch of letters and wanted to send them to my kiddos. It was hard. While we were talking my mind kept flashing back to an image of my husband sitting at a computer with his dick in his hands looking at her facebook page. It turned my stomach but I was able to continue a conversation and not cry or anything. In the past when we spoke in person before we moved I would burst out in tears. SHe would ask what was going on and I would just say the stress of life and that I wasn't handling it well. I eventually did tell her about my finding out that my husband has a porn addiction but I never told her that she was included in his version of "porn". It created a divide between us. She askes even still how he is doing and prays for his recovery. She is very understanding and encouraging. I just wonder if she would still be that way if she knew she was part of it? Yesterday she inquired if things are going better between us. I said that we are working on it and that it looks like we will make it through this.  She said she was happy to ear it. That is when it occurred to me. I am treating her the way my husband treated me. My stomach knotted up even more. That was when I realized, I can't be her friend, not really. Not like we used to be. I would have to do emotional trauma to her in order to be open and honest with her. I would have to tell her about his FB fetish and she would inevitably ask if she was involved, it would be really awkward. She would tell her husband and well, I just feel that is a huge line to cross. So instead, I am polite. I hold back information, I am not honest with her. This kills me, I hate it. I am hiding this secret from someone I care about. That is what my husband did to me with his porn addiction. I am perpetuation this same behaivor of lies and half-truths. The same things that cause me so much hurt, I am doing to someone I considered a friend. Maybe that is why the healing of a partner is so difficult? While he becomes more honest, I have to learn how to balance this act of dishonesty. I can tell it is not something I am used to because it feels so very wrong to me.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 21, 2017, 11:10:28 AM
Damn that's tough, Aquarius. It's a no win situation. I feel for what you've lost with your friends through this. It really highlights that you had no other choice but to start over somewhere new.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 22, 2017, 10:37:09 AM
Yes, the more I process this "recovery" the more I am realizing that recovery isn't the right word for what partners do. Addicts recover, partners do not. It would be better to say we learn to heal from the hurt but we acclimate to the new version of our lives. We don't recover because for most of us our life doesn't become better (sometimes it isn't necessarily worse either) it's just different. We have to learn how to become new people. THis is a new normal and we have to just learn how to live with this new reality. We heal from hurt but we never recover from the addiction, we were not the addicts. We have to adjust to a new life.

For most partners, the question becomes, is this new life something we want to be a part of? Can we handle and adjust to this new normal? For some it's yes, for some it's not. There is no right or wrong here. In some ways, this life is better, but in some ways, it's not. The real question is can I be happy here? I am learning to adjust. I am finding joy in new areas of my life, but this life is very different from the previous. From the outside, it looks similar but it doesn't feel that way on the inside. I have more masks I wear now, not for myself but for the benefit of others. I am different. I am working on learning how to be ok with this new person. I am working on not focusing on the negativity of this new life because that would build resentment in my relationship with my husband. For this marriage to work, we can't have resentment. I am working on focusing on my goals for myself in this new life.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 25, 2017, 09:40:32 AM
Had a really good weekend. We got a lot done on the house but we also spent some good time just as a family. My kids had some scouting events and our son had a soccer game. On Sunday at church, I connected with a woman who I really like and she mentioned getting together sometime. I am hoping that maybe I am starting to make at least one good connection. Sunday we sent to the city just outside of our town and took the kids to a big splash pad, ordered some stuff for the house at Ikea (the kids love the play place there, lol) and had a really great time.

Today we have a friend from back home coming to visit. We didn't actually know she was coming until Saturday night, lol. Bit of a spur of the moment thing. SHe says she is thinking about moving here. I am trying to be excited about that but I have some hesitation. My husband says that he never masturbated to her but for some reason, I feel like that might not be completely true. I can't put my finger on why it just a feeling. She is just his type. Maybe he didn't because he never had a picture to masturbate too? If he had, he totally would have. She is super sweet and is completely unaware of everything but I still just feel inferior around her. I want to enjoy my visit and a part of me is very excited but there is this other part that just wants to get this over with and have her go home. What a terrible friend I am.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 26, 2017, 02:37:37 PM

You're not a terrible friend! You've experienced a major trigger that caused a return of emotions that started way back at D-day when you started finding everything out. I think you need to cut yourself some slack and realise that whilst you've made enormous strides in your recovery, the stress and trauma didn't just evaporate. You can be triggered. Just like a person can be triggered 40-50 years later due to childhood abuse etc.

We all store our memories in our brains and bodies - it doesn't take much to reawaken them. Your trauma is still very young. You really shouldn't expect yourself to be fine and dandy with this situation - especially since you don't know whether this friend was involved (unwittingly) in what happened. In a way, it's probably even harder to deal with the uncertainty about whether she was one of the women involved, than if you knew she actually was. Being uncertain is very hard - especially when you've spent so much time being traumatised by uncertainty. Uncertainty will be bound together with your sense of security for a while until you've had more time to process it and hopefully return to a normal state where some (normal) uncertainty is manageable. But I think on this topic, uncertainty is the last thing you want - and that will probably always be the case.

So I don't think it's wrong if you don't want her to buy a house down the street and pop in whenever she likes. It's too close to home (literally). I'd say she has probably picked up on your lukewarm response and she might go cold on the idea. I don't recommend that you try to fake being happy about it - you don't really want to find yourself in a place where you feel like leaving your home again. I actually think you'd be better off telling her the truth than having her buy a house in your town, thinking you'd be delighted about it. I know you hate the idea of telling your friends, but it might be the lesser of two evils - especially since you've already sacrificed so much to move across the country to restart your life.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 28, 2017, 08:18:45 AM
Well, things here are pretty much the same. Malando you are right, I should probably just tell her but the truth is I am scared. She is a friend but not a super close one, I feel weird opening up to someone who I have never opened up to about anything of any emotional relevance. I don't know if she is really going to buy a house here or not. If she does I believe that she is planning on just renting it out so she wouldn't be residing here long term. Things have been going ok and I am learning how to be ok and sit with my emotions without having them take over in the midst of a trigger. I have also use the excuse of the business to give me some time each day to get some along time and think about things and process a bit. That, I am learning, is really important for me when I am experiencing extended triggering moments for days at a time. Have a moment alone to let my guard down and just be me is so helpful. Praying a lot! ALso being able to steal some time to come on here and be open about everything is really healing too. I am trying to enjoy seeing her, and reminding myself of the many things I enjoy about her. She is a pretty amazing and inspiring person. I am also realizing that for some odd reason she holds that same opinion of me. She seems to think that I am inspiring in the way I started our family business and what we have built it too. SHe likes how I am willing to jump into projects and help even when I don't know how to do it but I figure out how to learn. She even commented on how she believes I am more capable than her, which I was floored. I wish I saw that in myself, I am trying to and slowly it is getting there. My hope is that even though this has been a bit of a roller coaster of a trip that it is a good learning and growing experience for me.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 28, 2017, 09:29:13 AM
That's a great way to think, Aquarius. And you know, one day you are probably not even going to care about whether or not she was one of "the friends". In time, you will have processed that your husband has realigned what he desires and values. As your faith in the changes grows, you might find you'll be able to talk to your friends without that heavy feeling you have now. It's just going to take more time and healing to get there. In the meantime, you have to protect yourself from triggers as best you can, and when they do arise, take the time to process them and have some alone time.

Regarding what your friend said, don't forget that nobody is ever as self-assured and confident as they seem. You see what she projects, and she sees what you project. The truth is you are probably both highly capable women who have some areas of doubt - but that's a club of billions! If she's inspired by you, it's because she values what she sees in you. It doesn't matter if you don't feel as confident as what she thinks you should be - take it for what it is, an acknowledgement of your competence, if not your confidence.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on September 28, 2017, 08:20:29 PM
Aquarius,
Opening up as partners is difficult.  How much do we share?  Do we talk about the roller coaster ride we are on?  Do we share he liked women's butts, boobs, legs or whatever?  What do we do if they feel weird being around us or him?  What if they say how do you put up with this?  Or you should have left.    It is very scary this open up to friends and family especially when we are not where we either want or think we should be.  So, the answer is, we have to only do what we are ready to.  So we may need to take a deep breath and take baby steps.  Maybe you can talk to your husband and use him as a sounding board here?  This (friend being near fear) stems from his PA choices.  That will help you and him have a clearer understanding of the situation.  This is team effort. 

Gracie
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 30, 2017, 07:17:44 AM
Gracie, that is great advice. I can completely relate to everything you said. I have talked with my husband and he basically says do whatever I think I need to do. He doesn't mind who I talk to or about what. In some ways that is nice but in other ways I wish he help more of a stance. I sorta feel like he just wants me to do whatever I want because he doesn't know what else to do and this is a way of avoiding and trying to help all at once.

She left this morning so life can go back to normal. I am glad to get back to a rhythm. Hoping to move into the downstairs of our house in a few weeks. That will be nice too. The floor level is the same size as the house we left! I can't believe that this house is so big. We are planning on moving into the floor level and then working on the upstairs but a little slower. My husband is tired of paying rent and utilities at the apt because that is money we could be saving and putting elsewhere. I completely understand but I also don't want to kill myself working to death. Hoping that when we get in we can focus on more of a balance.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 01, 2017, 08:54:31 AM
Well, this morning was rough. Things have been a bit stiff in the communication area. This, of course, makes me upset because of how overly clear I have been regarding this. One of my boundaries was that he initiates conversation. Well, this was one huge triggering week and I really felt like I was on my own with it. I was holding it together thinking that he would start a conversation after she left....nope. SO I had to initiate the conversation. Part of why I didn't bring it up was because I wanted to leave room for him to. Then I found the longer he didn't, well the more I stewed. I started a conversation last night and it didn't go well but we were holding it together. Then this morning he was super quiet. I asked him what was up and we had a big blow up. He said I am not a safe person to talk to and I am basically not nice. I totally agree that I wasn't nice because I was already so upset. He keeps saying that we need to find a common ground to communicate on yet all the books I have read on how to do that, well, he hasn't read! He is still on the same damn book he started reading months ago!!!. He asks me questions about the books and I tell him he should read them. If I just summarize them then I know he won't read them at all!

I feel like he says we need a middle ground but he isn't willing to budge at all from his actions and stance until I do first. He needs to see me, once again, step out and be vulnerable and care about his feelings and help him process before he will even budge. All while still completely disregarding my boundaries. I call that a doormat. I am not a doormat. I have tried that in the past and we are still in the same place. I have stepped out and sacrifices a lot for him and he still can't respect even a few of the boundaries I have said are hugely important to me. THen he as the gall to call me "not a safe person" as his excuse of why he doesn't open up. I agreed, I told him that I am so full of hurt and anger, that I am probably not a safe person for him to come to. All he wants is to whine and feel sorry for himself. He wants me to listen and tell him how great he is. He needs to feel like I am pleased with him. I can't-do that, it would be a lie. I am not pleased with him. He doesn't even make me feel safe and secure, how can I feel, please?

I was really looking forward to going to church. There is a lady there who I was hoping to connect with. Finally starting to make a few friends I like. By the end of the conversation, I was sobbing and not really wanting to go out in public. I told him that we would probably never have the conversation he is describing until he actually read the book that tells you how to have those kinds of conversations. Then he asks, "ok what books are those?" Seriously?!? They are sitting by my bed!!!!! THey are the same books all of the partners have mentioned for the last year!!!!!! Then he left with the kids and went to church because he was supposed to lead a stupid discussion on a jewish holiday. I am now home crying alone. I really hope tomorrow is better than today.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on October 01, 2017, 09:17:00 AM
That's very upsetting, Aquarius! To be told you're not a safe person. To me that sounds like just a childish comeback when somebody feels criticised and they don't know how to deal with it. I hope he will apologise for saying that. The truth is, a lot of men are really childish in certain ways. Most men, in fact, I believe, can't handle criticism properly. They need to be encouraged, forgiven, let off the hook, mollified, mitigated. It's all pretty stupid. One of the best things I ever did in my adult life was to decide to actually grow up! Sounds stupid, but it's something every adult needs to do. That means tantrums, comebacks, I yell at you because you yelled at me, needing to be praised, needing to be forgiven - it's all off the table. I don't want to live like that anymore. And if I find myself going in that direction, I turn it around as quickly as I can! There's nothing worse than having to apologise later for having behaved like a child in a conversation - so it's better to not do it in the first place. I hope on reflection your husband will take back what he said and admit that it was just a cheap tactic to get the focus away from his own failings. I'm sure deep down he knows this.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 03, 2017, 07:42:15 AM
Well, things are settling now. Of course, he came home and apologized. He has since started reading a few of the books that I have mentioned for some time now. He is saying and doing all the right things and I know I should be happy about that. Unfortunately, I am a bit hesitant to get too excited about this progress. This trend is to do this for anywhere from 2 weeks to a month or so and then go back to the old habits of overscheduling, self-centred, and neglecting time with his family. I feel like we have to have a huge blow-up and I have to yell for him to treat me as an important person in his life. I know his heart and I know that he does love me very much. He doesn't purposefully do these things to be hurtful, but they are. I found it very ironic that in the heat of the moment his reaction was to attack and say I am not a safe person, well he isn't really a safe person for me to open up to either. I am not sure what I did to give him the impression I am not safe but I think we definitely need to really think about where we are at.

I have decided to tread lightly for now. We are talking and discussing. He doesn't ask questions but he is communicating (for now). I am not going to be that person that carries resentment and throws my scorekeeping list in his face everytime he screws up. I am just trying to give him a chance to really improve, but I am also not going to completely open up either. I feel it would be foolish to rush into the hope that he is going to get it together this time. We have done this dace way too many times before. So for now, we will just have to wait and see. I hope this time is better but I am not going to hold my breath either.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 07, 2017, 08:54:59 PM
Well, a few more days have passed and already I can see a few things starting to settle back into their old ways. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt but I feel that maybe that is my part of this cycle (dance) we do. I am an enabler, then when I can't stand it anymore I blow up. I have thought about this a lot, even considered if maybe I can just accept this a part of my life and learn to be ok with this reality. No, I can't. I need to know that I am important to him. I need to know that the kids and I matter more than whatever project he has going. I need to be married to a man of integrity and good moral character. I love my husband, and I would really love for him to be this man. I am just not sure if he can. Only time will tell I guess.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on October 08, 2017, 06:09:52 PM
Well, a few more days have passed and already I can see a few things starting to settle back into their old ways. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt but I feel that maybe that is my part of this cycle (dance) we do. I am an enabler, then when I can't stand it anymore I blow up. I have thought about this a lot, even considered if maybe I can just accept this a part of my life and learn to be ok with this reality. No, I can't. I need to know that I am important to him. I need to know that the kids and I matter more than whatever project he has going. I need to be married to a man of integrity and good moral character. I love my husband, and I would really love for him to be this man. I am just not sure if he can. Only time will tell I guess.

Yes, time will tell. It's true. Try not to expect too much all at once or you'll make yourself tense and miserable. If you think he has changed for the better over the past year, give him time to change some more. But you don't have to roll over and take what's unacceptable - you have a right to your voice, so use it! But just remember changing habits takes time. It's when you think nothing is changing or things have gone backwards that you need to really worry. Some of my habits took a while to shift, but they did - and feedback from my partner was instrumental in that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 08, 2017, 06:26:31 PM
Thanks, Malando for the wise words and encouragement. I am hanging in there. We have a family vacation coming up and still working on the house. Trying to not allow everything to overwhelm. Really hoping for good weather too. The kids are really wanting to spend some time on the beach!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on October 08, 2017, 06:40:13 PM
A beach holiday sounds like just what you all need!  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 09, 2017, 07:51:56 PM
So I have been pondering something and figured I would just get it out of my head and this seemed as good a place as any, lol. I have read countless times from some of the PA's on here. They say that we partners are so mean, unforgiving, making a big deal out of nothing, that we should be more encouraging of his healing instead of crying over our hurt. They say things like we shouldn't make such a big deal out of it and other various ways of devaluing our hurt and our emotions. They comment to the partners who have been on here for a while saying that we should be moving on by now and shouldn't be hurt for this long. Well, I'm sorry that my hurt doesn't fit their timeline that is determined by their porn-addicted brain, lol. This has brought up two things for me...at least for today. This attitude brings up a lot of things but two seem to really reside in my head for some reason.

1. They act like we enjoy being hurt. This is so ridiculous. I really wish that it didn't hurt. I wish I could be more of a support to my husband and have no hurt myself. I wish that the dishonesty wasn't so crushing, I really do. I feel like this attitude is so very one-sided. They are seeing only through the lens of an addict wanting someone to just help hold their had though a recovery. By partners expressing their hurt, it makes the addict have to realize that their actions have an impact on more than just themselves. They are expressing a self-focused thought process. This self-centred attitude thrives on porn and it will not help you recover. It is the same voice that tries to fix the limp dick and not the root cause. This person relapses a ton, finally reboots only long enough to get a stiffy again, and then finds themselves right back where they started. Down the road crying over yet another limp dick. Think outside yourself, get some accountability and support. Dig deep and look at your root causes. Develop some moral character! THey act as if we shouldn't be hurt by dishonesty and comment saying it is ridiculous to think that our husbands should be 100% honest. When did this lack of transparency and integrity become so accepted? Why are we tolerating this? This is not ok! These basic character skills are so sadly missing! What is more disheartening is the fact that people are offended when I have an expectation of seeing this kind of character. They act like that is asking too much. Is it asking too much for a person to be their word? Is it asking too much for a person to be open about who they are if they are considering paring the rest of their life with another? Why is this ok?

2. This attitude shows me just how sad our culture is. How much empathy for other people is missing. It is heartbreaking to see people come across another person hurting and respond in that manner. Sad. Truly disappointing on such a human level. Comments like this leave me really concerned for to future of my son and daughter. Will there be anyone with a kind heart left? Why do we need to be so mean? Why is someone so offended by a need for honesty and love? How will that attacking, judgemental, and mean spirited attitude help them recover from their own struggles?

Really?!? Come on people, we can do and be better than this!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on October 09, 2017, 08:46:49 PM
I hear you, loud and clear.  I wonder what it is and will be like for my grands.  The responses we get from both our partners and others is the result of looking in the mirror and not liking what they see. They do not like seeing their reflection. 

And when we comment truthfully about our feelings and the harm that has resulted here on the Nation the others do not like seeing what they have done and what they have caused.  They mostly want the quick fix for their dick.  Not many come here until the limpness begins.  Unfortunately that is the way it probably the way it will be.  Having been on this site and another for the last six years the men have been motivated solely by ED.  Not having sex with their wife as a choice does not create an epiphany.

 But, if one man changes his approach due to a comment I make or something I said has worked for us, or a book, or web page for me it is worth the a## hole comments.  Because if one woman's pain is lessened we women here have been successful!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 23, 2017, 09:43:06 AM
Gracie, I 100% agree!

Well we have just gotten home from a vacation/work trip. It was amazing. So nice to spend a few days splashing in the ocean, reading books by the pool, and just being a family without thinking about everything else. It also gave my husband and I some time to reflect on everything and get focused on what our priorities are and where we are going. It was exactly what I needed. One if the things I really enjoyed was being able to communicate with my husband and to hear his heart of willingness. He is so trying to become the person he wants to be. When we disagree on something he pauses and really thinks about what I am trying to say. Not to just quickly respond with what he thinks and how he thinks things should be. He is starting to finally understand that my needs are different, that I receive support and encouragement differently. It is nice to see how much effort he is putting in. He says he is trying to change and it is taking a long time, I think he is doing remarkably well. That was the thing I enjoyed most about the entire trip, seeing him grow.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 26, 2017, 09:48:10 AM
Well, life is whizzing by. Feeling really good. Another thing I was reflecting on from our vacation was how much better I have been feeling about myself. I see this as a big step from where I was. We were in Florida hanging by the pool and sitting on the beach and normally I would have been feeling so inferior and self-conscious and insecure. This time those thoughts would come up, a lot less, and when they did I was able to just move on. I was able to turn my focus to my kids and just being their mom and enjoying time as a family.  My kids think I look great, my kids just want to play and be silly if I am worried about my body image then I am less able to be present to them. I am glad that I was able to start moving past this and really start enjoying life with my kids in a bathing suit.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 29, 2017, 03:52:09 PM
Well, this was a fun weekend. We took the kids out to trick or treat in our neighborhood. They really go all out here, so it was a lot of fun!

Another thing I have been working is our homeschool curriculum. I have a character program we do with our kids and lately my husband and I have been noticing how much work we need in these areas. My kids get a character trait each month to memorize. It includes a simple definition and "I will" statements on how to achieve the trait. I was going through and planning the next month's traits for each kid and reading through all the character traits and I came across forgiveness. I felt it applied to me so much I wanted to share it.

Forgiveness: Letting go of bitterness and revenge

I Will....
*Acknowledge the pain
*Choose to forgive
*Not seek revenge
*Ask for forgiveness when I do wrong
*Move on with my life without holding on to my pain and or anger.

Compassion: Helping those who are hurting

I Will...
*Notice when others are hurting
*Stop and help
*Take time to listen
*Do what I can
*Be kind, regardless of differences

Just like I encourage my kids, this is so good for me too!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 03, 2017, 08:12:18 AM
Well, our friend who came to visit a few weeks back is now our here again. She has a realtor and is seriously considering this move. It looks like its actually going to happen. I have not told her about any of this, not because I am hiding, it is just not the type of friendship we have. SHe is what I would consider more of a good acquaintance/lose friend. Not close enough to confide in deep conversation. She doesn't initiate any conversation like that either. So kinda odd that she is considering moving across the country. She just said she was over the city where she is from and really needs a change. This place is so much more affordable and it really nice. I just keep telling her to make the choice on her own. Don't base it on us because I don't want to be responsible for her happiness here.

My husband still insists that she was not part of his FB spank bank but I still feel hesitant to believe him. SHe is just too much like his type for him not to have. The real truth is, it just doesn't matter. I have to learn how to let it go. It hurts, it sucks, moving on is hard. There are lots of feeling that come up and I don't always know how to process them or how to change my thoughts but I am trying. Just like I listed about, I want to really forgive and part of that is accepting this is part of his past, and now mine too. It hurts but I'm working on it.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 08, 2017, 11:41:38 AM
I haven't written on here in a while and have been feeling a bit, to be perfectly honest, pissed. I am not sure if coming on here is helpful to me or anyone else and I have been thinking about just bagging the entire thing. I don't even really know that this journal matters much. I was looking for support in dealing with the situation that I had posted about in my last post and put it out there in the partner's section to get other perspectives. Well, I guess I got other perspectives apparently. I just feel like some of the perspectives and partners are less interested in healing and forgiving and more focused on sitting wallering in their pain. Not all but one, in particular, was less than helpful and her suggestion bordered on absurd! SHe recommended I tell my friends who my husband has masturbated to out of respect them and our friendship. I can see on the surface how that could be argued but, I for the life of me can't see how that would be helpful or healing to me or my husband in any way. Not to mentions the possible trauma it could cause in my friends. Honestly, it just seemed insensitive. I was trying to be nice but hey this is my journal and I can say what I want in it right? I just felt like she wasn't seeing anything but wanting all porn addicts to suffer or something. It was less than helpful and it turned the entire thread in a different direction. It reminded me why I don't like posting there.

The problem is I don't feel like I really fit with some of the ladies there and I also feel like I don't fit in the main forum either. SO I am feeling more and more like there really isn't a place for me here. It makes me sad because I have really gotten a lot out of this place and I have enjoyed connecting with the men and women here.

Maybe I am just venting, I don't know, just feeling really frustrated.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on November 08, 2017, 10:09:05 PM
I think we are all different places in our walks.  I could not walk with hate.  To do that would require (in my mind) that my marriage end.  I hated the behavior.  I preferred righteous indignation.   I did feel anger at lies and being duped.  I did feel what the hell.  I only talked to one really good friend and my brother.   No broadcasting only support.  But I mostly felt hurt.

I do not want to lose you here.  Your journal is great!   Your insight is phenominal! 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 10, 2017, 10:02:36 AM
Thanks, Gracie, I am still here. Just was frustrated but I shouldn't allow that to ruin all of the good that is here. I have made friends here and I am not interested in walking away from those connections.

I have been continuing on my character journey. I had no idea that my kids character class (a curriculum that we purchased for homeschooling and then we kinda tweaked and added to make it ours)  would be so helpful. The kids just love seeing us use it too because they see that even when you grow up you are not perfect you still have work to do on yourself. I think it brings our family closer.

Anyway, the one I am on today is:

Tolerance-Showing respect for others who are different than me   .   
                Listen to others.
           Remember that not everyone is the same.
      Look for ways to connect with others.
      Know the difference between what is "popular" and what is "right".
      Help others, and myself, grow.
      Try to understand rather than feel offended.

This not only applies to my recent upset on the forum but also to my husband. I have had judgement and felt offence by his addiction. I am not in anyway saying that this behaivor is ok at all! But it is also an addiction, that is real. I need to have more tolerance to the fact that he is a recovering addict. Rather than just focusing on the action and feeling repulsion, I need to focus on his effort to recover and heal. He is trying, and making amazing progress. I need to see to understand. I need to continue to try to connect and remember not everyone is the same. We all have our struggles and rather than judge his in comparison to mine. I need to remember he is not better or worse. We are both working on ourselves and we both have areas that need improvement. At the end of the day, we are human and we love each other. The rest is just details.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 11, 2017, 09:49:25 AM
So, update. I had a long talk with my husband and my friend. He is completely in support of whatever I needed. He was also under the impression that I believed him when he said she was not part of his past usage. He thought having one friend who wasn't part of that might be nice. Clearly, the lesson here is a communication one. After settling things between us I went and talked to my friend. I did tell her about my husbands PA (with his permission) but did not go into any details or anything, more of a general conversation. I was really surprised by her response. She said she was sad that we were going through this and that we are her favorite married couples. She said she knows that PA is a real thing and it is actually a big part of while she is still single. Apparently, it has been a big issue for her with more than one boyfriend. It makes finding someone really difficult. She said she doesn't really care about sex in a relationship but she does want someone healthy and someone who is willing to work on themselves. They are hard to find these days. I think she likes being near us because then she feels less lonely. I can see her coming to a slow acceptance of being single and never really finding someone ever. It is an odd thing.

 I am glad we connected, but I am also glad I did not overshare and disclose the entire situation. I wish this topic was more out in the open. It would remove a lot of the shame. But it's not. I don't want to cause trauma and damage to someone else. I think that is a risk you take when telling someone that your husband masturbated to an image of them. It's upsetting, off-putting, and feels really violating. But the reality is that it happens all the time. No one likes to feel objectified without their knowledge. Maybe that is more the conversation we need to be having? Bringing awareness of that behaivor and how upsetting it is.

Another thing I think I have taken away from this experience is the affirmation that I am on the right track. I am glad I didn't just freak out, blow up at her, and break this relationship off. The reality is that its hard to be in relationships with others. I have my hurts, they are real and valid. But she also has hers. My husband has his. We are all just trying to make it. From the beginning my gut was saying to face this fear and deal with this, not to run away. I can now see that I am glad I am dealing with it. This situation is not just about me. I have formed a deeper layer of relationship with this friend. I have also opened my awareness to what another person is going through. I had never really thought about how difficult life would be for her. Porn addiction impacts so many people. Even the women who are still trying to find relationships. Its ripple in this world and culture is large, a lot larger than I gave it credit for. I knew it was a problem, but seeing the problem and the sadness on the face of a friend makes me feel the problem more. For that I am sad, but I am also glad that we can be in a community and a friendship where we can support each other, not isolate. Healing is difficult if not almost impossible when doesn in an isolated state.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 13, 2017, 07:41:56 AM
Well, getting ready to fly out with the kids to go see my aunt. She is really sick and not going to be here for much longer. I don't believe in waiting till a funeral. What is the point then? The person has already died. If they mean something to you, then don't you want to see them while they are still here? So I am going. We are going to say goodbye. My heart breaks a little as this is not only going to be hard for me but it will be the first time my kids will watch someone they love pass away. (Obviously, they won't actually watch her die, just to clarify) I know it will be sad, hard, and a big step in their life. We have been talking a lot about it in preparation. We have also been discussing healthy ways to work out emotions. I hope this is an experience that set a pattern of dealing with loss in a healthy way. I will miss my aunt. She is an amazing woman full of life. I am sad to see her go, but I know she lived it to the fullest. I have peace knowing that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on November 13, 2017, 10:15:44 AM
I think you are doing the right thing. It's definitely more important to pay one last visit than it is to attend a funeral - although that has its place too, supporting those who are grieving.  Kids need to learn about death and saying goodbye will give them some closure along with the life-lesson. I hope your Aunt is lucid enough to enjoy your visit. Hope you will be able to as well. Try to get a laugh out of her -  that will be a great memory. Best of luck, Aquarius.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 15, 2017, 08:14:48 AM
Well we were here for one day and it seems that she is no longer lucid. Counting the hours now. Trying to enjoy the opportunity to see family. My kids are processing everything really well too. When they are sad they mention it and ask for hugs. As sad as this is it's a good learning experience for them.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 20, 2017, 10:51:26 AM
Made it home. It was a hard trip. She is still here but it is suffering. My heart just breaks for her because that is not quality life at all. Sad to see her late moments on this earth are like this.

My husband has been a lot more supportive than in the past. I can really start to feel his change. He has been checking in, asking questions, really engaging. In the past, he would have just got really busy and not talked about it because he would run from anything emotional as if it was Ebola! Now he isn't running at all. It is nice to know that I am not alone when something is emotional. That makes me feel like I am more supported. The situation is sad but now I have a partner who can be there with me.

On another note, it looks like we will be moving into our house soon. It is in no way finished or even close but we will be moving into the downstairs and that is a big step. I am nervous but also excited. It will be nice to be there and have all of our stuff in one place. It is also nice to see all of this hard work coming together.

I have also met with the pastor at our church and am taking next steps to get my support group for partners off the ground. It was great to hear that the church is not only supportive but also ready to help in any way they can. It feels like life is moving in a really positive direction.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 22, 2017, 08:36:57 AM
Well, I have been trying to make some new friends in this town and there are 3 ladies I really like. I am meeting with one of them today and I am going to tell her about my husband's porn addiction (I have his permission). I am also going to tell her about the woman's group I am starting. She has experience with some of these groups because she is a social worker and has dealt with a ton of different things. I have no doubt that she will be understanding. I am just excited to be in a place where I feel good about talking and sharing this experience with a friend. I don't have fear but more glad to allow our friendship to grow and connect on a deeper level.

Developing relationships as an adult feels harder and more scary for some reason. I am not sure why. My kids make friends so well but for me, it is more difficult to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable. I think children are so brave because they live with complete transparency. They aren't scared of judgement. I hope one day to live more childlike. I can see that not carrying the burden of fear would be very freeing and peaceful.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 27, 2017, 08:31:30 PM
Well, we finally moved into our project house. Feels good to not be stretched to 3 different places but also overwhelming because there is still so much to do. Just trying to take it one step at a time. I can see how happy my husband is because he gets to keep working on the house in evenings and is not away from the family. Already he has been engaging the kids in more the work. Our son was helping is various tasks and they even helped move a bunch of boxes. He has been teaching them electrical work too (he is also an electrician). So in that way, it's nice.

Our Thanksgiving was bittersweet. The aunt I recently went to see one last time finally passed away. I am glad that she isn't suffering anymore. I am also glad I went to see her when I did. I totally believe that if you can see them before they pass that is better than just going to a funeral. It was good to connect one last time and say goodbye. The kids were also impacted. This is their first experience with loss. I think after seeing her they understood why it's ok. We have had some good conversations and overall it has been a good opportunity for them to learn these tough lesson.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 01, 2017, 02:42:52 PM
Well, we are all moved in and getting settled into the construction zone. We still have a few things downstairs to do and the upstairs hasn't even been started so still a long way to go but we have made good progress so far. I had an interesting experience this morning. When unpacking a bunch of stuff I came across some pills that looked like they could have been viagra. My husband uses to use that without telling me hoping it would help his ed, it didn't. Anyway, at first, I was totally triggered! I wanted to scream. I showed it to have and he was super surprised. He said he sincerely thought he had thrown all of them away. I could tell that he felt like this was bad. I could see he was being honest and didn't know they even existed. I found them at the bottom of a drawer that we have had packed for a while. I know this was not intentional. He immediately threw them away. I didn't blow up. I didn't let it ruin my day. I just went on with things. I wish he had at least check in with me and said something like "hey, I know this is upsetting to you, I am sorry for that". He didn't really acknowledge that I could be upset. I think he was caught totally off guard and wasn't sure what to do, lol. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt but I will mention later that he missed a moment to be encouraging. The positive is that I didn't let it ruin my day. A year ago this would have been bad. I would be crying, upset, and wouldn't even want to be around him. Now we can work alongside each other, have a conversation and I am ok. That feels like progress.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on December 02, 2017, 05:20:30 PM
Good for you!!! That is a big deal to handle the discovery!!!  A couple years ago, I went through a drawer to get something I had put there for safekeeping in his dresser that he does not use.  There was a old (from the 80s) lingerie catalog there.  It took me a little to get past it. Because that meant it had gone on at the beginning of our marriage.  But, made it through.  We can only hang on to the change we have experienced with them and go forward.   Looking through the eyes of love. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 05, 2017, 09:57:48 AM
Feeling a bit triggered today. A friend of mine just sent me an article about Brock Turner, the college kid who raped an unconscious girl and then continued to victim blame as an excuse to not be charged. Well, apparently he is appealing his already light sentence. Anyway, part of what she highlighted to me in disbelief was the comments to the article. Mixed in the long list of people who find his behaviour appaling is this other narrative. This attitude of, "she consented before she passes out, what the big deal?" Unconscious people cannot consent! Men or women, if you are unconscious you are not saying yes to sex. Why does this even need to be said? Isn't this common sense?!? I really don't get it! Like at all! How is this even a thing?! Also, why is 6 months of and probation considered enough for a man that has changed forever a woman's life? I really don't understand this at all. Things like this bother me at a visceral level. Why do we value people so low? Why can't we treat humans (men and women) as human? This is ugly, no two ways about that. It bothers me that I see and experience this ugliness in my life and the hurt comes from those I love most at times. Why can't we spend this much time focusing on loving and affirming each other?
Feeling really heartbroken for humans
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on December 05, 2017, 10:40:29 AM
That's appalling, Aquarius. I read another report about a 23 year old man in Finland who raped a 10 year old girl and was acquitted of the heavier charge of rape on the grounds that  the court was not able to determine if the girl was “unable to defend herself and express her lack of consent”. This is a 10 year old girl! Do we think she could give consent, or that she could have defended herself? So shocking! He was given a lesser charge of sexually abusing a minor. He only gets 3 years for destroying a little girl's life. Did he get lenience for being a migrant? If we can't even draw a line here, where will we draw one? What's happening to our standards in society?
I'm beyond horrified at this.

Here is the report for anyone interested.

https://voiceofeurope.com/2017/11/finland-no-aggravated-rape-sentence-for-23-year-old-migrant-who-raped-10-year-old-girl/#.WiBJkIsDq8s.twitter
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 11, 2017, 02:38:55 PM
Well, another year passes. Our wedding anniversary is on Sunday (It's currently Monday so 6 days). I have mixed emotions about it. We have been talking quite a bit. We both are aware that if I had known what I know now, well if I am going to be completely honest, I am not sure I would have taken those vows. But alas we can't change yesterday, I do love him very much. Maybe I am glad I didn't know because I want to be married to him, it's just so much pain too. I think if he had been honest with me and came to me with an attitude of willingness to try and wanting my support then yes, I would have married him in a minute. But the lying, it's really hard. Since D-day, there have been several little things that have leaked out. I feel like as of now, I know everything that has occurred to him to communicate. I don't think he is intentionally hiding anything. It just makes me wonder if there is other stuff that he hasn't thought of to tell me? It's out there looming like a bomb, waiting to drop at any moment. The next week is going to be really crazy and I know a lot of emotions will be all over the place. I am trying to prepare myself for that. We have our son's birthday on Saturday. I still can't believe that is will be 10! My heart is a little sad at how fast he is growing up. Then our 14 year anniversary on Sunday. Then the following Tuesday we fly home to spend 3 weeks with family. I know I will be seeing friends I have missed, some of which were the center of my husband's masturbation fantasies. We aren't in that place anymore and he has done a lot to improve but I also know that coming face to face again is also going to hurt a bit. Being saturated with all of those ladies again and right after an anniversary is a very trigger opportunity. So today, I am going to try and rest my emotions. I am trying to be appreciative. I am trying to communicate and stay positive. I am trying to look to the future because the past feels like it is breathing down my neck and rest to pounce at any moment.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: rebootrapp on December 15, 2017, 05:27:48 PM
I’m sorry that the wedding anniversary is causing you anxiety, my wife is very much the same way around our anniversary.

I wish you peace and joy as you see family and friends again.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 18, 2017, 11:10:59 AM
Thanks, Rebootrapp.

I know I am not alone in feeling that way. I think it's like anything that you experience a trauma in, it just brings up sad memories. I have thought a lot about it over the weekend as we are getting ready for the trip and everything. I am wondering if in a few years we should do some sort of vow renewal and reclaiming. We are now at 14 years of marriage (we were really young when we got married, lol). I am thinking maybe at 15 or 20 we should do some sort of vow ceremony with new commitments, new promises, to celebrate this new us. It feels like that sometimes. The relationship we have now is very different than before D-day. There are things that are better than the old and there are things I miss. The innocents and mad love are gone. In its place is a more mature appreciation and admiration for what we have accomplished in staying in this relationship. I still am not totally sure how to work this shift as I don't feel like I totally understand it myself but it's there. THings are different.

I am preparing for our trip today. Last min laundry and getting packing done. Cleaning the house (I hate coming home to a messy house). Overall I am just staying busy but I finally sat down and decided to come on here and read and review how I am feeling. I am actually excited. Nervous, anxious, but also excited. I see that as a good sign. I have already had friends who were on my husbands M list contact me and want to get together. I do actually want to see some of them. I am glad that I don't have to see them every day but I am excited to connect and catch up. It feels like the visits can be just long enough that I can appreciate the friend but when the emotions bubble up and I wrap it up as we have lots of people to see. That is my hope anyway, lol. We will just have to see.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 11, 2018, 10:03:50 AM
Well, we are back. It was a long visit but overall pretty good. We had a few things come up but we both communicated quite a bit and worked through everything. It was great to see old friends and catch up. Sometimes it was hard and a little sad but I would just remind myself that the past is the past and that we are in a new place. Continuing to look to the future helps so much! I feel like I have really said goodbye to some of the not to great relationships and it was nice to not have to invest much time into them. I did run into a few big triggers and I can see how not living there is really helpful. I am not sure how I would have been able to move forward with some of those ladies constantly in my life daily. It would be a lot harder. For that I am thankful that we are not there anymore. There are so many things I miss about that area but most of the things are just related to the mountains and ocean not necessarily the people. I do have a few good friends that I miss but we stay in pretty close contact so it feel ok to have some distance, I don't feel like I have lost anything. I feel, instead, like I have gained so much. I am really glad to see my husband and I in a better place. I feel like this visit was confirmation that we made a good choice to move. That feels good. There were times when I would wonder or doubt, now I feel really sure, it was the right thing to do.

The hardest part was the kids. They really miss their friends. Neither of our kids have really found friends like the ones they had. I can see that they really miss their friends and just having some good kids in their life that really understood them, especially my son. My heart breaks for him. I keep praying for the right friends to come into his life, it is so important. The truth is the kids are the biggest losers in this whole mess. They didn't ask for this ,they have no control over anything and they are the ones that lost the most. I am not sure how I will ever be ok with that. I know keeping our family healthy and together is so very important, I am just sorry it has to be at the expense of their friends. Well its a new year, maybe this will be the year they make some good friends? I really hope so.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on January 12, 2018, 04:15:25 PM
AQ25, Good to see you back!  I moved a lot as a child.  My dad was in the military and moving and making friends was status quo.  You had a martal crisis to deal with.  As this has healed a great deal, there will be time to have you and your husband be with the kids.  Once the relationship gains its sea legs your children will gain theirs.   
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 16, 2018, 11:11:58 AM
Getting back into our routine again since we have been home for a week now. I am glad to be back. It has been pretty cold and we even have snow. That of course makes me want to bake all the time! I love to cook and when it is cold there is nothing more heart warming than an oven going with something made from the heart. We had some friends over last night and I was able to cook some food. I made fresh hand made pasta, salad, and even some homemade cinnamon and chai spiced cinnamon rolls. They seemed to be a hit. I was surprised by how many people had never had handmade pasta before, crazy! I really enjoys cooking for everyone. I am really beginning to learn more about myself and the think I get so much joy out of. Cooking is defiantly one of those things.

Things with my husband are good. Slow and steady. Overall I have a lot to be thankful for!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 19, 2018, 09:40:40 PM
I need to confess and own something.

Things are going alright. Had a frustration which led to an argument this evening. I noticed something interesting. When we argue about anything I always think about his porn addiction. That is so very not fair to him, lol. Lots of couples argue every now and then. It is just what happens when two people decided to share a life together, you can't agree 100% of the time. If we didn't have this as part of our past then we would still have had the argument we had this evening. I am the one that relates it to his porn addiction and it make me feel frustrated and triggered. I am the one doing that. He isn't bringing it up or throwing it in my face, I am. I have chosen to forgive him, it is not forgiveness if I bring it up every time we don't agree. That is not real forgiveness. I am choosing real forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't a one time thing, it is a constant choice. I feel like I have to choose it again every time we argue. That is not his fault, I am taking responsibility for this one. Its hard, the hurt is real, but I don't want to keep this habit up. I don't want to live here like this. I am trying to break this habit. I want to be able to argue with my husband like a normal couple, without porn addiction coming into the mix every time. Even when I don't bring it up, I am still thinking about it, and it hurts. I can see how it impacts my words and I can feel the specs of resentment building. I don't want to be that person. This road to healing is a long one. I am learning so much about myself and how much I need to work on being a more genuine, kind, and forgiving person.

Any thoughts or advise is greatly appreciated.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 20, 2018, 09:12:52 AM
So after peeling back some of the layers on last nights argument and my feelings of triggering I have noticed something else. Most of the time the disagreements are around small things that he has said he would do and is falling behind or not doing. This comes back to integrity for me. I think the reason his porn addiction come up is because I feel like if he isn't his word around this small mundane thing than I wonder what else he isn't his word about. The trust still isn't there yet. The trigger is me feeling and questioning weather I can trust him. In a way that is good, it means that in all of the other times I am slowing learning to trust him more, we just aren't there yet. I think that is ok. It took 14+ years of lying and deception for create this hurt, it will probably take just as long to repair it. That is ok. I think it is good and important to realize, recognize and understand what is occurring and talk about it. I am realizing one of the things that porn addiction has impacted is our ability to have simple disagreements. Anytime he is not his word porn addiction always comes up, not because I am not being forgiving but because there is fear of being lied to and hurt again. I am not trying to throw it in his face but more because I am worried that he is hiding yet again. When you live with someone and share everything with them. When they have allowed you to think for over a decade that it was reciprocated and you thought you knew everything about them only to realize that the world is not what you though....that is a very nerving feeling. It is scary, and it makes you second guess everything. I am constantly questioning things I thought I knew, eve still! Even a year and a half of him clean the scars are still very fresh. I am not going to say it won't get better, because I know it will. I just think it is important to understand and know where I am today and be ok there. I am not rushing this process I am just trying to learn and heal everyday a little more than the day before. I am still here and I am still committed.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on January 20, 2018, 12:36:03 PM
Hi A25, I think you are doing a good job in working out what's behind your feelings and reactions. I wish everybody would do that rather than waltzing through life believing that their own feelings represent the actual truth about every situation. Feelings are not facts, but they do point us to where we are not resolved, convinced or confident about things. They are like sign posts to look out for things, but they aren't the things themselves. The real world, and other people are very complex and it's easy to get the wrong idea of what somebody is doing based on what our feelings are telling us. So good on you for challenging yourself and examining your feelings and trying to verify whether they are objectively true.

It does sound your tendency to feel let down when promises aren't delivered upon is very strongly related to how let down you felt about learning that your husband was using porn behind your back for a long time. That reflex will be with you for some time yet - and it might take a very long time before there is no reflex at all. But I think if you continue the way you have been, the gradual restoration of confidence and trust will take care of that. The only reason that wouldn't happen is if a new betrayal happened - and there doesn't seem to be any sign of that happening. So take solace in the fact that as long as you are both still working on your communication and honesty, these reflexes will weaken over time and eventually extinguish themselves.

In the meantime, try to consider whether him not meeting promised targets could be more to do with other factors other than a disregard for you. Some people struggle with estimating what they can realistically do. They tend to be overly ambitious and honestly believe they can and will do X, Y and Z by Friday, when in fact they might only be able to manage X and Y - or even just X. It's something that can take a while to come to terms with, even when it's been pointed out many times that they tend to fall short on their promises practically every time. Sometimes such a person will feel like if it weren't for this thing or that thing that came up, they would have made good on their promises. But a more pragmatic person anticipates things that might come up and factors that into his plans and time estimations.

In the end, it's not really about letting somebody down (although that can be the outcome for the other person), it's about time management and having realistic expectations. For me personally, I dislike having other people set timelines and deadlines for me. It's an uncomfortable pressure for me and it doesn't bring out the best in me. I always get more done when I set goals for myself and I'm not promising them for somebody else. I might fall short of my own goals, but at least I don't have to feel like I let everybody down if I come up short sometimes. I think most people are more productive when they feel empowered to set goals this way. So my advice would be to let him know what you want done, but allow him to think about the time frame for a while, but not set too strict timelines unless it's a short term project. Sometimes you have to get part way into a job before you can even know what it entails and what roadblocks might come up. That might be a lack of experience or foresight, but it's not necessarily a lack of effort or respect for others who are affected by it.

I also think some of this might be related to coming out of the fog of porn use. I think most people take a while to rid their brain of a lot of scattered thinking after quitting an addiction. You might find that a lot of this stuff steadily improves with time because the clarity of thought is still making its way through the fog. Being addicted to anything is a very confusing state to live it. It's like having an intellectual disability. It seriously impairs judgement and rational thinking and planning. I wouldn't be surprised if there are still improvements coming in that area over the next few years. Over time I have learned to under-promise and over-deliver - but it took time for me to get to that. Previously I used to think I could paint a house in a day! It takes time to recalibrate a brain.

I don't know how much of this is actually applicable to you and your husband, but I thought I'd throw a few thoughts your way and see if any of them resonate. You're still there, and you're still committed - so that's a great sign!

Best wishes,
M
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: rebootrapp on January 20, 2018, 06:50:53 PM
Sorry you’re having these thoughts, but I’d imagine they are shared by every person, male or female, in your position.

You brought up “throwing it in his face” a couple of times, and that would be a conscious choice to be hurtful. But I get the feeling you’re not actually doing that, it’s just crossing your mind, and I think that’s just being human. Give yourself some grace! Some things aren’t easy to forget. But you are performing the loving act to forgive your husband and uphold God’s wish for marriage. Be proud of that.

All the best!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on January 21, 2018, 10:12:49 AM
Boy, there are a lot of thoughts that jump to mind when I read your post.   Sometimes I get weird.  I think look at him his life has just went on.  He gave up porn and just continues on his way. Because the only surprises he had were how badly it bothered me and he had to stop

Meanwhile,  we were in a situation where are whole sense of worth, our marriage, and basically our view of life was turned upside down.  We did not know who we even were.  Etc. Etc. (So I don't start down the rabbit whole). And then after this we try to help them get well. 

I know I told him there was no way he felt the viseral pain I felt at all this.  Because he knew what he was doing ie porn.  Sometimes I would lash out because I wanted him to see how painful it is to me.  I still feel pain now every once in a while.  For us the solid rock marriage we thought we had was untrue.  He did not experience that while doing his behavior. To us our husband changed.  To him he was the same.   He says I was all he wanted but looking at others in whatever form and then masturbating does not line up with that thought.     

So the porn thing stays in our brain I think more than theirs.  We do not want to be hurt like that again. So part of the betrayal healing is it cannot happen again, so we ke it close and keep watch.   It does get so we do not feel this way as often.  Because it doesnt for me but it is there .
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 22, 2018, 10:47:03 AM
Wow, thank you everyone for the great feedback! I feel really encouraged. Sometimes I feel like I am writing in here to a void, it is nice to know that I have such great support and it makes me feel connected to others with understanding. Thank you so incredibly much!!!

I think you are all right. Reboottrap, yes I do tend to hold myself to a sometimes unreasonable standard. I probably should give myself some grace.

Malando, I think you are also spot on. Porn aside he is absoutly terrible at time management and organization. I some ways I have a third child to clean up after, lol. He is a really hard worker but I just see how he could be so much more efficient if he was more organized. I probably need to give him more grace in this area too. We all have things we need to work on, I am certainly no picnic myself, lol.

Grace, I really see your point as well. I think that is one of the many tragedies of this whole addiction. It changes and scars couple for a lifetime. There are certain things that other couples can do (like have a simple disagreement) and not have it trigger something bigger. I can see how for any other person I would naturally have a tendency to cut them slack when they aren't their word with every little detail. Unfortunately because of the deep hurt I have experienced here I tend to have less grace sadly and am more in a state of caution. I know that time will help this. It is important to understand where it is coming from and it is even more important to have that conversation with him. I did so over the weekend and we talked about how difficult it is when we disagree and the different areas that are triggering. We need to be in a place where it is safe for both of us to no agree on everything. It would be unrealistic to think we should agree all the time, lol, that is nuts. I think communicating the upset and where it is coming from help the other person have understanding. I told him how I was feeling and he admitted that he didn't even think of that but he could totally see where I was coming from. He saw some of the ways that his response may have made it worse and I acknowledged how I allowed my emotions to go a bit nuts as well. We talked about what we both could have done better and at the end of the talk we were both in a better place. I am glad that we have put in the work to get to this place. That in and of itself feels like a win for us!

Today is his birthday. I was thinking about him, who he is, who he was, where he came from and where he is wanting to go. I am really impressed with his determination to improve himself. He does try to put his family in high importance, he is learning to love more deeply. That is something that he was never really taught or even experienced as a child. He is making incredible progress. I hope he feel honored and love today. I am hoping that it is a day he can celebrate who he is because he really is an incredible person and I am glad that I am in a place where I can see and appreciate that.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 29, 2018, 02:38:47 PM
Well things are going fairly normally. Life if finding a decent routine and everything is going fine. I had a weird dream last night about my husband relapsing and I found out. It was really weird. I had to think for a while about weather or not I should be concerned since things have been going to goo. I have decided that I have nothing to stress about. I am sure it is my subconscious and I am going to continue to keep my forward momentum going.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 06, 2018, 08:57:33 PM
Well its been a few days since i have posted. I have actually been a bit down. Nothing in particular is really wrong, just feeling sad, lonely, and having a hard time adjusting to life these days. Lots of incomplete in all areas of my life. I feel like I am trying really hard but nothing seems to be coming together. It has been a huge hit to my confidence. I have a birthday coming up soon. I share my birthday with my daughter. I got preeclampsia when I was pregnant with her and had a rushed c-section on my birthday. I don't mind sharing my birthday, I usually love it! For some reason this year has been hard. She is turning 8. I love to honer her on her day, but over the years the sharing has basically become her day. I thought about it and I havn't received a birthday present or anything from my husband since before we had kids. He doesn't even plan a date night or a dinner out. We just don't celebrate me. I usually don't care but for some reason I have been bothered by this. Maybe because he has done so much work on his recovery. He is trying really hard and truly becoming an amazing person yet at the same time I feel like he still doesn't see me. I feel like he still seems to be consumed by himself first. Between that and the kids, I just feel lost in the mix. I don't like demanding for complaining for someone to see me. It just feels so unauthentic then. So that is where I am. Man this post really sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, lol. I guess I am.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: PE30 on February 07, 2018, 06:56:32 AM
Hey, just thought I'd write a word back as you're always so encouraging to me!

I'm just trying to think how my wife deals with me when she has a need / expectation that I'm not meeting. She seems to manage to do it in a way that stirs me to action but without making me feel rubbish / compounding my guilt. Have you and your husband read The Five Love Languages? I thought it might be quite cheesy (and to an extent it is) but I think it acted as a good conversation opener as to what makes the both of us tick.

It's really encouraging to read your story, and it's also a sobering reminder to me to stay clean, for the sake of my own wife.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 08, 2018, 11:53:01 AM
PE30, thank you for your encouragement. Yes we have read the love languages books. We have even read the ones for parenting and educating as we home school. If you have kids understanding your kids love languages is so important.

 I have talked about them with my husband and mentioned recently even. I think that is part of what reinforces my feeling of lack of importance. He does fully understand and know how I receive support, love, and what my needs are. I have clearly spelled them out numerous times.  For a long time my self esteem was so low that I felt that maybe I was asking too much, but I am finally in a place where I realize that no it is not too much to ask for a happy birthday and at the very least a card on my birthday. Even if its just a piece of printer paper folded saying "hey happy birthday, I love you". Seriously it has been about a decade since I have received that. I make him a meal of his choice and a cake for his birthday every year because he loves food! I even threw him a dessert party this year. I baked an entire tiramisu cake from scratch and cream puffs! I made the pastry, custard, chocolate ganache, and whipping cream all from scratch! Plus my birthday is only 2 1/2 weeks after his. So it's not like he forgets since his celebration is fairly recent. Unless I schedule it, it doesn't happen. That is really sad. I am sure I will talk to him about it tonight. The the routine will continue. He will feel bad and agree that he should do those things. Then for the next 3 week (at most) he will be really great and communicating appreciation. Then goes back to the same thing. I am tired of having to bring it up. I wish we had a new routine. It just makes me sad. I love him and am not going anywhere. He is still my best friend. I just wish my need were more at the forefront of his mind as his needs are in my mind.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 10, 2018, 05:49:22 PM
Well yesterday was my daughter and my birthday. My hubby finally did something different than the norm. After talking with him and telling him, again, how I feel he asked me what would make me feel special. Normally he would go out and buy some random gift and apologize all over himself but I feel like this time he actually head what I was saying. I told him the only thing I wanted is to work on a project together. We are living in the downstairs of a project home. Progress has been slow. I said I would love to finish sanding and painting the staircase. SO we did. We had a party that evening and it looked so great! When it comes to love languages I am a "quality time" and "acts of service" girl. This was both and it meant so much! We had a bunch of friends and kids over. I made matzo ball soup, and gourmet build your own grill cheese. I even made all of the different breads from scratch. My daughter asked for me to make a cheesecake with a brownie bottom, chocolate ganache topping and fresh strawberries, so I did. It ended up being quite fun! I was able to finish a project that I have been chipping away at, I got to bake with my kids (I love that!), and spend time with my family. That was the perfect birthday.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: PE30 on February 11, 2018, 12:36:52 PM
 Just scrolling past the spam... That sounds like a lovely birthday! I'm really pleased for you. Food sounds delicious too.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 12, 2018, 06:03:15 PM
So the weekends went well. We had our family day Sunday and after church took the kids to an indoor swim park. It was so nice to relax. The kids swam and my hubby and I got to sit on the side and read some books, visit, and just put our feet up and chill. It was really great.

This week I am preparing to visit my sister. She is about an 8 hr drive away and I am going with just me and the kiddos. Her house is really difficult to visit because her son is the same age as mine and she doesn't monitor her son's screen use at all. He has an xbox, ipad, tv, iphone,  and computer all in his room! Our boys are 10 and I know that is the age that some of the men on here got started at. I don't allow my kids to use screen in other rooms that adults aren't in. We limit their screen time to about 3 hrs per week in total. Her son is on a screen all the time. We went camping last summer and he didn't have his phone and he had a total tantrum. He kept trying to use our phones. He would literally pick up my phone if he saw it laying on a counter and try to use it. Anyway all of this to say it is tricky being a guest and still being consistent to our parenting. I have talked to my sister about our rules and she knows about my husbands addiction but she doesn't really think about maybe turning off the tv when we are visiting. It can be really triggering. I am praying for peace for the trip, safe roads, and an enjoyable visit. Or at the very least I can be thankful its only 2 nights, lol.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 13, 2018, 11:01:17 AM
Just trying to be consistent to posting. Not much new. Feeling at peace with the trip this weekend for now, lol. Just trying to get everything ready to go (meaning I better deal with the pile of laundry so I have clothes to pack, lol).
Hope anyone reading this is having a wonderful day!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: whereismoxy on February 13, 2018, 03:22:41 PM
dang, your newphew sounds...like fun? 

but in all seriousness, enjoy your trip with the kids!  and i'm proud of you for your efforst.  not many men or women are able to front this addiction like you.  and like you said, it is a process.   

be safe, & make it a great day!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 19, 2018, 04:22:26 PM
Made it back home safely. It was a long drive 8 1/2 hrs each way. This trip was ok. Lots to ponder and process. My sister's son is the same. It is not enjoyable to visit as I am constantly watching the kids. Makes me feel like I can't relax. My hear breaks for my nephew. He doesn't talk to others well. For a while I even wondered if he is autistic but my sister has had him tested and he is not autistic. He doesn't express life like other kids. All he wants to do is play on his phone and ipad while watching tv. If you turn off one of those he get mad and throws a fit. He is 10, it is sad. My kids aren't allowed to have that much screen time so half the weekend was spent with my sister irritated that I wouldn't just relax and let my kids be on screen for the entire day because she wanted her son to play with my kids and my kids were playing outside in the snow. He went out for a little while but for the most part my kids built a snow castle with tunnels and everything, they road snow mobiles, and had a snowball fight while my sister's son watch tv and played on his phone. He misses so much in life. That future just doesn't seem as bight.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 20, 2018, 03:55:57 PM
Well life just never slows down. I have been doing laundry and packing for yet another trip. At least the whole family will be going this time. It is just not the same when it's just me and the kids. We are heading out a few states away to drop off an order at a new retailer and figured we would make a weekend out of it. I have been researching fun places to check out and am so excited to see the art museum! I LOVE art, lol. Even our kids get excited about art museums, it just makes me so happy to see them have an appreciation for creativity! I also love that we home school and have the freedom to go on these trips as a family. Looking back over this process since D-day I am realizing just how therapeutic these trip have been for me, us, and our family. I am so appreciative we have the opportunity to travel, and enjoy time together. Very much thankful for this life!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on February 20, 2018, 08:32:44 PM
Sounds lovely, Aquarius. Hope you have a great time with your family.  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: whereismoxy on February 22, 2018, 08:21:06 PM
how is your husband doing with his P addiction?

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 24, 2018, 07:16:37 PM
@Malando, thank you it was a fantastic time!

@moxy, my husband is doing well. He hasn't looked at porn in almost 2 years. We have both completely rebuilt our lives and marriage. He has and is still digging into his root causes and participates in a support group that meets in person. We have both completely changed our lives and rebuild and are still rebuilding our marriage. It has been a long process and it's not over, but we are so far from where we were at D-day.

So we just got home from our trip. It was fantastic. The family time was awesome! I also liked how even at the hotels in the evening the kids didn't even ask to turn on the tv. I am so glad that we have removed the dependency of screens in our lives. We use them to enhance our life of to control our life. We did watch a bit of the Olympics but other than that we would curl up to some books after a swim in the hotel pool. It was great. We took two days and went to some museums, the kids learned even more about different types of art and even got the try to make some stuff themselves. That was a lot of fun! The museum even had some original painting of some artists that I love and it was so amazing to see actual brush strokes and everything. The originals were even better than I imagined! We found a few really cool funky parks that we all enjoyed and we discovered two really great local book stores on the trip. The business end went well too! We make lights and the place we were delivering too was so amazing. It was a race track and they had so many cool cars. Everyone was so friendly and they even let the kids sit in a few. I have never seen so many farrari's in one place (that is not a car dealership) in all my life. It was nuts! We were even given a race scheduled and told we were welcome to come watch any race free! My  husband and son were on cloud nine! My daughter and I would probably skip that one, lol!

Overall I am thankful. I am glad to be in a place where I am enjoying my family and I know my husband is a big part of that. I am so glad that we both have committed to making this work. Numerous times my hurt was overwhelming and I wondered if I should leave. Those hurts still come up but more and more I am confident that we can handle it together. Our family is stronger together rather than apart.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: whereismoxy on February 24, 2018, 07:49:47 PM
wow, your family sounds awesome and your kids sound like they are going to grow up to be cool little people too!  im thinking of volunteering to coach kids basketball soon & i have little to zero experience with kids so i hope it goes well.

did your husband attend SA? im thinking about attending my first meeting this tuesday but still on the fence about it. . .

glad you guys had a great trip! 

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 24, 2018, 08:27:42 PM
moxy, his groups is through our church. It is very similar to SAA but it isn't exactly SAA. I have heard that SAA is good and he probably would have joined one of those groups had this not been available. This was just closer to home and worked out better. It was a huge game changer in his recovery. Him having a group, where men meet in person, and are vulnerable, that was huge!. He love being about to go and just be him, be open and honest and not feel pressure or judgement from others. All they want is to see you succeed, no hidden agenda. That is so important! We all need that. I hope you go and find a great support network! He did say his first meeting was the hardest because he felt scared to go and walk in the room. After heard others share he felt a lot better. Don't be scared it is good! I wish you the best!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 26, 2018, 01:42:13 PM
Well another monday, lol. I have a few frustrations I have been working through.

 The first I am trying to just let go. It is from this site. I get so frustrated from some of the point of views on here, but hey people are entitled to whatever thinking they want to have. It just bothers me when I hear men regret telling their wives because they don't like the reaction they get. Seriously?! You lied, what kind of reaction are they expecting. Then the worse attitude is to just keep lying and not tell at all. You have feed your brain all these lies and you think you can just beat this and keep lying (feeding the same pathways of guilt and shame that are huge triggers) and it will be all better? Wow! Not to mention that lack of respect you are giving to your wife. How would these men like if their wives kept secrets like that from them? Wow. Sound like objectification reasoning, they aren't treating their wives like people who are worthy of truth because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. They want their cake and to eat it too. That is all about themselves and no one else. Sad. I feel sorry for their wives.

Sorry to rant but it just drives me nuts! Probably because it reminds me of the hurt I felt when my husband tries that himself. He discovered his problem was PIED and wanted to fix it on his own and not tell me. Well I found out anyway and it just hurt so much more that he wouldn't even allow me the respect to be open and honest about something this big in our marriage. That is a huge trigger. I am glad we aren't there anymore but I also know that he is an addict. If we both don't stay focused he could relapse at any time and not tell me. And for me, I can allow this frustration to turn into resentment and anger if I allow it. For now I am going to just breathe. Inhale peace, exhale all of this frustration and learn how the accept an attitude forgiveness in the present. I am not perfect at this but I am trying.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on February 26, 2018, 04:55:25 PM
I have no tolerance for that argument either, Aquarius. It's such a house of cards to build a relationship on. It shows great emotional immaturity to even think that you can control the truth and make it dance like a puppet just so you can have the best outcome for yourself (gaslighting). It shows a lack of understanding of what a relationship actually is, and and inability to understand that this will end in the destruction of that same relationship. I consider it my duty to let such people know that this is a ticking time bomb and that their only hope of defusing it is to confess and work together with their partner to disarm it. Some get it, some don't. The thing I hate the most is when somebody new joins up and encourages the person to keep concealing it - right after I've laid out the reasons why truth is the only way out. And the person recommending concealment often seems to carry more weight. A lot of people are seeking justification to conceal, I guess. The path of least resistance. If only they knew how life is going to resist them if they continue on that path...
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 28, 2018, 10:50:22 AM
My heart is feeling really heavy today. My son struggles with reading. It is really hard for him because he doesn't have that inner monologue in his head. You know when you read something you kinda hear the words in your head. His brain is missing a step in the sequence and he is missing that step. He has done a program to rewire (yep, just like men are doing here, lol ,it is just for reading though) and the new pathways are still really new. He is in 4 grade, we home school. His little sister reads so much better than him. He is brilliant and so smart but this is a big struggle for him. I have been working with him on this for sometimes now. Well yesterday I heard him start to fill with shame. He is starting to say things like  he is stupid, not good enough, and dumb. He is filled with the feeling of shame and inadequacy, he feels small and helpless. As a result I can see how this attitude is hurting him from recovering. His progress is slowing and so is his self confidence.

This whole thing, the emotions he describes at 10, they are the same ones that fulled my husbands pron addiction. I know if he keeps this up he will isolate (he is already showing first signs of wanting to but I am too  involved to allow that, lol) and from isolation porn and all kinds of other destructive behavior is a step away. As my husband pulled back layer after layer of his root cause in his recovery (and continues to do so) a lot of it started with these same feelings at the age. I feel like I am witnessing the very first moments that shame and these base root cause feelings first ignite and I am seeing them in my son.

We are trying to be as encouraging as we can. I affirm him in so many ways, showing him so many areas that he is amazing and inspiring to me and other. I put in in activities that he is good at and can build confidence from. He just hasn't really found some good friends here that he can connect with. As a result I fear that I am just the mom, harping all her mom garb on him. I am wondering what else I can do? He is so amazing and has the capacity for so much. It breaks my heart to seem him suffering and harboring these feelings.

I may also post this in the main forum to get feedback on thoughts and ideas from others who doesn't read this journal. Just trying to get ideas to think outside the box.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 07, 2018, 10:48:42 AM
Thing are pretty much the sane ol same. Nothing really interesting or big to report. Business is picking up and our house is continuing to come along. Hoping to be able to move some furniture into the upstairs soon as we have been living in the lower half for a while and it is wearing on us. On the pulse side I am happy to have a home! This may be a project house but at least its ours and we own it, no mortgage! That feels pretty great!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: rebootrapp on March 10, 2018, 06:49:25 PM
Debt free!! I’m hoping to pay off our mortgage.... in a decade.

I’m glad you’re doing well
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 13, 2018, 08:44:51 AM
Rebootrapp, 10 yrs is a great plan. We were able to pay our house off because we only paid $10,000. for it, lol. It is a big project but with every finished piece we do it becomes less of a project and more like a home. It was really scary when we first purchased it, but the neighborhood was beyond friendly. It is a community with once a month dessert party and everyone trying to help each other out. The house is old, like 1800's,even has a tower and all. My husband like that part the best, lol. I like the space. When it is all said and done we will probably put way more into the house than if we just bought a finished house but this was we get to make it ours. We get to pay for everything as we go, and it will feel like an extension of our family. So today I am thankful. While my husband goes to the shop to build some product, I will stay home and work on the floors upstairs. Each day feels like there is always a new project to start or finish, but I am glad that I am able bodies, capable, and can do the work. My hands are tired but they are strong and my heart is full.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 20, 2018, 08:04:34 AM
Things here have been busy. We have a cat that is pregnant and is expecting any day now. The kids are so excited, lol. We have made some big progress on our house, our business is getting pretty busy as well so juggling everything has been tricky but good. My parents are coming to visit soon (for Easter) and then they well head up to my sisters house. She is about 8 hrs away. They drove their motorhome and are traveling around the country. We moved to the East and we were from the PNW. They have been asking for a while if they could take our kiddos with them when they drive home to Oregon. We wouldn't be able to fly out to get them for about a month and a half! I am already getting nervous. That will have been the longest amount of time away from my kiddos ever! My heart cringes just thinking about it, lol. I also think it might be good. My hubby and I haven't really had time to ourselves for a while and it might be nice to spend some time just us. The kids would love it, they would get to see the country (again,lol) and visit all of their friends back home. My husband thinks it is a great idea except for the expense of plane tickets but we can figure that out.

There is another odd thing I am noticing about this situation. We haven't been just us without out kids for longer than a week in just over 10 years! I am nervous about spending this much time with just my husband. I am starting to see all of these subtle ways I have forgave and allowed trust back into the relationship. I am worried that this time with just us might reopen wounds and break the progress. I know that sounds stupid but its true. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing so well because of the kids. They keep us from arguing because we don't want to fight in front of them. Instead we communicate better and try to demonstrate respectful disagreements rather than just yelling. Without them here, what will that look like? I honestly can't even imagine.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on March 20, 2018, 12:10:50 PM
That's an interesting situation to be in Aquarius. I think I get what you mean - my relationship certainly stabilised and improved after we had our daughter. She was the inspiration for us to try harder, drop a lot of hangups and baggage, stop sweating small stuff, behave better, etc. The idea of our daughter not being around for a while is an interesting thought experiment. I would like to think that we have actually grown and matured within ourselves and the relationship itself, but when you change one massive factor in your life, it would certainly shift the balance somewhat - hence the anxiety. I think it's something to be embraced though. One day the kids will be grown up and moved out, so it's better to know who you are as a couple now, so you can work on things in the intervening years before the kids do leave the nest. You wouldn't want to be in your 50's and learning how to be alone as a couple again! The earlier we confront things, anything, the better. That's my philosophy. It might actually be a great time too, you never know. Either way, it will be revealing and important. Good luck!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 21, 2018, 02:46:54 PM
Thanks Malando. You are right. I think this will be a good opportunity. It just feels like a long time. I am going to miss my kiddos crazy but it will probably be a great opportunity to spend some real time with my husband. Probably a good thing.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 25, 2018, 02:18:05 PM
Well it is finally starting to feel like spring. Still a little cold but at least the sun is shinning. Went out in our yard today. We have spent so much time on the house the yard is beyond a disaster. So bad, lol. Thankfully it will be a lot easier to come together. Glad that I am able bodies enough to be able to make a decent dent. Spent some time with the kiddos just talking and hearing what they think about things. Kids are so cool. They have a perspective that is so different and refreshing. Most of all, I love how kids play! They actually play! Adults don't play the same way that kids do. Kids pretend, they make sound effect, they wiggle, they adventure! Doing this with them is amazing. At first you feel silly but after a few mins it's like the entire wold melts away and your are transported to wherever they are going. I found afterwards my stress level was almost nonexistent. Amazing!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 02, 2018, 08:02:22 PM
Ha, just as soon as it starts to feel like spring it snows!!!! I love the snow so I was excited but everyone else was complaining. Our Easter holiday was nice, fairly quiet. My parents are visiting so they went to church with us and then we went home, I make a nice dinner and we just relaxed. Also over the weekend our cat had kittens. The kids got to watch the entire thing. Perfect biology lesson, lol. We have had the "where do babies come from" talk already but it was really cool to hear their questions and see their faces and they gained better understanding of this whole thing. Overall life is good. Every now and then I remember the hurt or something will trigger be to wonder but I am noticing how I move out of that so much more quickly than I used to. That is really encouraging to see progress be made. I am celebrating in those moments!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 06, 2018, 01:57:26 PM
Well I had some encouraging new this morning! My women's group now has more than just me in it, lol. I know that is a weird thing to be excited about but I am non the less. I also met with a pastor at another church and he is working on some new ministries within his church and he wanted to talk about working with me. My husband had shared with him some of our story (with my permission) and said he wanted to speak. I feel like things are starting to pick up. My heart really does want to help others, to be an encouragement, and to see people come out of hurt and move into healing and I am doing the same for myself. Praying that God move through me!

On the family front, I am finally in a place where I am excited about the kids being gone for a bit and looking forward to spending some quality time with my husband. Plus my kids will be able to go the the family reunion with my parents and will be able to connect with family members that have never even met before. That is really exciting. Still hoping that maybe there is a way I can try to swing flying out to attend too but if not I am still glad that they will have that opportunity. Overall life is good and I am so very thankful.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: rebootrapp on April 06, 2018, 09:11:41 PM
Woot woot! Glad to hear you’re doing so well!!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 10, 2018, 11:04:56 AM
rebootrapp, Thanks! It's great to hear you and your family are doing so well too.

Well life keeps humming along. Parents are still visiting but will head up to my sisters house in a few days before heading west with our kiddos. I am excited for the kids to spend the summer with their grandparents and in Oregon! It really is beautiful and summers are the best! The ocean, the mountains, all of it!

We were interviewed, my husband and I, for a lady doing a show about porn and it's effects. I thought I would be super nervous but I actually wasn't at all. I am excited to be able to bring awareness and help others. I think, to some degree I carry shame too. I was embarrassed about my husbands addiction. He isn't embarrassed and he doesn't carry any shame, so why do I? SO odd. I am learning and understanding my need for people to approve of me. That is ridiculous. I have been doing a lot of work on myself. I am learning be more accepting of my whole self. To appreciate my strengths and failures. I am so good at seeing and loving others but not myself. The question begs to be asked. If I can't love myself, can I really authentically love others? Also, I want to show my daughter and son what good, healthy, self love, compassion for yourself, and confidence looks like. I can't show them what I do not posses. So I am working, and am improving in these areas. Doing that interview and now feeling embarrassed and genuinely excited about helping others just showed me how far I have come! Feels good to see and appreciate progress. I couldn't have come this far on my own. I am go grateful for my husband, my support here from anyone reading this, and from God. Truly a transformation by the Holy Spirit. So thanks. Lots of thanks.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: JedClampett on April 14, 2018, 11:01:03 AM
Here is an old post that could help someone's thinking...because that is what PMO is, faulty thinking:

"Thank you for explaining all that.  You are right in saying PMO is not an option.
We do not have to be taught how to have sex!  I think that it is a natural thing to do.

I am on Day 8 now and what I appreciate most about it is my productivity rate has gone
way up.  The trick is to appreciate the productivity rate and keep increasing it.

Before about 2010 I put so much into my days it amazes me now to think about it.
I did do some IP before that but it took some time before that nasty thing took a lot
of time out of my life.

It's been very easy to give up PMO to this point.  Hopefully I will continue to realize what
I gain by avoiding it.

1.  Maximum sexual health
2.  Maximum physical health
3.  High productivity rate
4.  Clearer thinking
5.  Less guilt
6.  More hours to learn important things
7.  The increased ability to think and do things for others
8.  The ability to do the little things that make people happy
9.  Better computer health and knowledge that it was not P that caused the problem!
10.  Better moods
11. The opportunity to be a model for avoiding PMO.  This is what Reboot Nation is all about!!!"
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 16, 2018, 09:02:45 AM
Bartholomew, which issue are you referring to? Just trying to understand better.
THanks
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 17, 2018, 01:53:20 PM
Well yesterday was interesting. Felt the urge to become overwhelmed a lot but managed to compose myself by taking several breaks to stop breath and focus my thoughts and attitude and it helps so much! Started with just a general annoyance that a certain individual on here has been sending me personal messages describing his relapse and then asking me if that is considered a relapse. It really just irritated me more than anything. Some people can be so rude. Then I went on a run and was repeatedly cat called while my daughter and son were with me. That was upsetting. The thought kept running in my head, "Seriously!?! Why can't people just keep that crap to themselves? Why do they have to should sexual advances at women in public, with my kids around?!?" So rude.

Then later had a bit of what could have been a blow up with my husband. I can see how I have learned a lot. I have noticed that when he is really overwhelmed his first reaction is to avoid. That is really not helpful. He had been handling the filing and paperwork for our business for the past few month and apparently got overwhelmed. He didn't communicate it he just put it off because he was overwhelmed and didn't want me to be disappointing in him. It was a huge trigger to come in to help and realize that everything was a mess and he hadn't told me and asked for help. I immediately thought, what else isn't he telling me?!? My heart started racing and everything. I stopped, took some deep breaths and decided before I come up with all of these scenarios I will talk to him. After a long conversation realizing how hard he has been working I am realizing just how much he desires for me to see him as amazing. He didn't want to disappoint me but he did need help. The frustration is that I already see him that way, he is amazing. I wouldn't be here if he wasn't, LOL! We talked it through, and he understood how triggering and upsetting this was. We got everything straighten out. It wasn't as big a mess and I first thought. I reorganized everything and we are good to go. I can see how a year ago I would have reacted very different. No person is perfect. I am glad that rather than going straight to red hot mad I was able to calm myself. Have grace and compassion for my husband. He really is amazing and works so hard and genuinely does his best. He will mess up from time to time, just like I do, but each time we work through it we get stronger. It gets a little easier and less scary to communicate and maybe next time he is overwhelmed he can get over the thought of disappointing me and just ask for help. We are supposed to be partners right? I know we will get there eventually.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on April 30, 2018, 03:54:51 PM
Well things are going pretty well. Just wanted to pop on here and check in. Took the kids to see the latest Avengers movie and of course they loved it. It was great to spend some family time together over the weekend. Also the kids have finally been making a few friends!!! Very excited about that! So all in life, life is good!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Dr. Wankenstein on May 02, 2018, 12:05:28 PM
I hope that things are still improving. I want to second what Objectified said earlier. His PIED is not a result of your decisions, but of his. There is no reason that he should not WANT to satisfy your sexual desires through whatever other means you might enjoy.  This can only help him, IMHO. When his mind is sufficiently healed, your gratification will boost him as well.

In the mean time, I'd also like to respond to one of your own earlier comments. I assume that the emotional, "just being together" thing you referenced is Karezza. If you have not read it yet, I highly recommend "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow," by Marnia Robinson. This has been a tremendous help in my relationship.

All the best.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 08, 2018, 09:10:15 AM
Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Moon on May 11, 2018, 03:47:50 AM

right. Continue on and get what you want!
Not a lot new. Got a lot of things done on our house. Living in a fixer project home is quite the experience. I appreciate so many of the little things. Like the idea of two bathrooms, lol. I started budgeting and designing the second floor bathroom today and I got excited to realize that soon we can start this project. This project has been a big esteem booster for me too. I am learning so many things and realizing that I can do more than I think I can. From installing subway tile floor to ceiling to helping with the trim out on the electrical outlets. I am more capable than I give my self credit for. I think I just get scared and maybe a little lazy sometimes. I need to continue to push myself to continue learning more things and trying a new project.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 15, 2018, 10:32:51 AM
Well I am making baby steps every day. I achieved a big goal at my gym and was able to dead lift 335 pounds! It feels really good to feel strong. I am learning more and more just how much I am capable of. When I step out of my fear and my doubts I can do quite a lot! Another thing I noticed is that I am experiencing the heartbreak a lot easier now. I am in a a group for women of porn addicts and hearing them tell their stories makes me remember mine. I do still feel the hurt and sadness. It hurts to remember being lied to and rejected for so long, but the one good thing is that it no longer consumes me. I just remember it, feel sad, and then move on. I  remind myself that we are not there now and we are moving forward. Instead of letting my regret and hurt just ruin my day I am now able to just feel sad for that time but not stay in the sadness. That is a big thing for me and it feels good to see and appreciate the progress.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on May 30, 2018, 09:37:47 AM
The kids have left for their big vacation with my parents. The house feels so different without them here. In an odd way it has been kind of nice though. I miss them and love them so much but I have also been enjoying some alone time and some time to connect with just my husband. Life feels slower. The kids add an element of chaos and busy and I have just grown used to. Having them gone everything feels a little less hectic. I am trying to use this time as an opportunity to gain focus and get a lot done. Overall things are good, but when this kid free time is over I am going to be so excited to see them!!!! I really love my kids so much.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 01, 2018, 12:52:18 PM
Getting a lot accomplished this last week. I have been painting, hanging trim, laying flooring, all kinds of things. Having time to myself seems to be very productive. Tonight we are going to hit up an artwalk and a brewery. Should be a fun time! Life seems to just continue to keep on moving along.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Redfire03 on June 02, 2018, 10:56:03 PM
I hate to see another woman hurt. I never realized i hurt my wife until it was too late. We men have a hard time seeing the damage we are doing. I wish my wife would join the forum i have asked but she doesnt care anymore unfortunately. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on June 03, 2018, 05:03:01 AM
I hate to see another woman hurt. I never realized i hurt my wife until it was too late. We men have a hard time seeing the damage we are doing. I wish my wife would join the forum i have asked but she doesnt care anymore unfortunately.
If she's this hurt and disillusioned about your marriage, maybe the only thing you can do now is accept her decision and say you're sorry and that you want to be on good terms with her for your kids. If you keep trying to force the issue to get her back, it comes across as selfish love - ie. It's only about what you want and not about what she wants. That's not really love. Sometimes if you love somebody you have to set them free. After that it will be up to her whether she changes her mind.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Redfire03 on June 04, 2018, 06:34:53 PM
I hear this a lot, just hard for me to except it..... i need to stop pushing the issue but it real hard.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 08, 2018, 08:14:08 AM
Redfire
Yes, sometimes the hurt is too much and it is for too long. You have kids together though, so she will always be in your life. The important thing is to preserve some sort of friendship. Be the man you want your kids to look up to. Be the man you want your son to become. Model what integrity, honer, kindness, courage, empathy, authenticity all look like so your kids know how to embody those traits. You don't know what the future holds but you will be happier and have more peace if you work on becoming that person. My  mom married my stepdad. They were married for 10 years. They divorced for 5 years and ended up getting remarried! Life is crazy! You can't know what tomorrow will look like but you can be the best person you can be today.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 11, 2018, 07:31:10 AM
Well, time is slugging by. I am noticing so many things different when the kids are gone. Sad. The house is so quiet, almost creepy quiet, lol. There are a lot less dishes, laundry, house cleaning. Also a lot less snuggles, big squeezes (hugs for my daughter), laughter, and silliness. The kids really make life so much more full and joyous! I miss them. I also notice they force my hubby and I to take breaks. Since their departure we just work, we work a lot. I have been trying to invite friends over so we at least take time to be social but for the most part we do some amount of work, weather at the business or on our house, everyday. Thinking we need to take a real day off.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 13, 2018, 01:29:54 PM
Staying busy as ever.  I am volunteering part-time with a local non profit helping women who have been in sex trafficking rebuild their life. It is really interesting hearing their stories and where they came from. My heart breaks in so many ways. I am glad to be part of helping them rebuild.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 15, 2018, 08:31:00 AM
Well, this has been a full week. We have had families over for dinner almost every day this week! Yesterday wasn't even planned, it was like an impromptu family of 8 and tacos were on the menu. You would think this was a restaurant, lol! It was a good time. The family had for small boys that were so much energy. I forgot just how much work little kids are. It's amazing how fast you forget some things, lol.

Work wise we had a roller coaster of a week. We had a large order return recently and my hubby is still processing that. This is the second time in 5 years that this has happens. He takes it very personal but that is the nature in handcrafting something and having someone reject it. It feels so personal, even though that is not their intention. We have been taking extra care since to be sure all of our designs are spot on and executed well. It has made things slow when we are already pretty busy. This adds to the stress. Yesterday was the peak of that for  my hubby. I can see how he is still learning how to process emotion. I was doing some computer work and he called just so frustrated and on the verge of tears. He tends to take on too much and then not want to ask for help. Well all of that has been blowing up like landmines and he is realizing just how important it is to let the people we have hired to help us actually help. He can't just do everything. I think he was just feeling so low yesterday.

I find those times tricking and sometimes  I feel like I don't handle them well.  I have a hard time knowing when he is just needing to vent and when he needs help finding a solution. I think I tend to come in with solutions when he isn't ready to hear them and he just feels like I am not really understanding his hurt. That is probably very insensitive. Pondering that I realized just how much we are alike. I, for a long time, thought we was insensitive and now I am seeing those same traits in myself. This is an area I will take extra care to stay aware of and improve in.

Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on June 19, 2018, 10:06:56 AM
Well this week is starting out better than last week. Progress is showing, progress on many areas of life. I can see how we defiantly argue less now. We used to argue all the time when things got stressful and in hindsight that is probably when my husband would PMO more often as well. I was pondering that last night. Life before d-day and when were the times I didn't know. What was I doing? I wasn't stewing or mad or anything while thinking about this, more just trying to analyze and understand. Then, last night I had a weird dream. I was dreaming about him PMO'ing. It was like I was a fly on the wall and I could see him doing this while I was gone. I could see him seeking out different photos of my friends and porn (he used to have both pages up at the same time). It was so odd. I woke up all so sad ad crying. Not angry, just sad. Before this would have set me back quite a bit. Now, I am able to really understand that isn't us anymore. That isn't our relationship anymore and even if he does relapse, I know we can get through it. I also am learning to understand that his addiction doesn't define me. It isn't an account of my worth. It is something destructive that he is choosing to do to himself because he has an addiction. I am not part of that. I love him very much, and I am happy to see him healthy and as a result see our relationship healthy too. It isn't my fault that he chose to digest stress and overwhelm in this manner. Now when stress comes up, I try to check in and communicate it before it builds. We talk about it out loud together. I understand his triggers more and his insecurities. He is really a strong person but at the end of the day he is just a person. Nobody is perfect. I am glad to be closer to this imperfect man than living a lie with perfection.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 04, 2018, 04:18:21 PM
Not a lot new going on. Continuing to work on this never ending project of a house. It is slowly turning into a nice home. Due to some scheduling miscommunications with my mother looks like my kids get some extra time with all of their friends out west. I am missing them terrible! We pick them up on the 25 of this month! Two month is waaayyyyyy to long to be away from them. Today is a holiday here but for some reason neither my husband or I are really in a super celebratory mood. We both just miss our kiddos, lol. Other than that everything is going great. I am getting some traction with my woman's group and really feeling good. I am feeling the Lords blessings in so many ways.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 09, 2018, 12:51:36 PM
The weekends was busy bit alright over all. We working on the house. We used to take Sunday's off for family day but since the kids haven't been here we have let that go and have pretty much been working non stop for the last month and a half. I am exhausted. Last night we decided to stay in and watch a movie together. This is the first time we have really sat down and turned on the thing since the kids left, lol. Anyway we were watching some crime mystery based on a true story and it had some decent actors in it. There were a few scenes where the detectives had to go into a strip club to interview someone. My husband was so uncomfortable, he kept fast forwarding then going too far and rewinding only to be right back at the scene he was trying to avoid seeing. We finally just found a different movie. He would have never done that before. He just said we would rather not have those images in his mind and it makes him uncomfortable. I really thought that was amazing. He is practically a different person.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 12, 2018, 08:19:32 AM
Just super busy. My partners group is picking up and I started shaping up some material for us to work through that is more organized. I also, along with my husband, started creating some material that we can use together. He is planning on starting a mens groups as he has been mentoring some men around town and more and more guys have expressed an interest. We are thinking to start some sort of groups where women can meet at the same time as the men and work through some of the same stuff to give a common language to communicate with. So many time my husband and I would end up arguing the same point because we were using different words to describe the same thing, lol. Anyway, all of these ideas get me really excited and hopeful for others. I love who my husband and I are today, I love our marriage. I would love to be as helpful and encouraging as I can be to helping others feel that freedom as well. Life is so much better without porn!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 18, 2018, 03:58:30 PM
I am constantly amazed by just how wide spread sexual addiction is. I was sitting on a neighbors front porch yesterday and the topic came up. My husband and I talk openly about this experience. We both feel that the shame is more sever because people don't like to talk about this topic, it's taboo. Well the best way to change it is to not make it taboo anymore. So when people talk about certain things I just openly say we missed that movie or whatever because my husband is in recovery and we don't like that in our marriage. I have even heard my husband say basically the same thing. He just says nope that movie has sex scenes and they make me uncomfortable because I am in recovery. If they ask what kind of recovery we say porn addiction. The cool part, almost every time they either say, awesome and are actually very encouraging or they respond with, yeah my husband too. Yesterday that was the case. In fact in the last week I have met three other couples who have experienced porn addiction in their marriage. We talked a lot. We talked about if they considered it cheating. To be honest, at first when d-day hit I didn't, now I do big time! It was great to connect with a friend who gets it, who have been there and has come out the other side. Who still loves her husband and yet understands the pain too. It was so cool.

There are a lot of ways that my life has changed, the hurt was defiantly a change for the worse but there are also ways it has changed for the better. I feel like I maintain less surface level friendships. I want real, sustaining lasting friends. Life is too short trying to please everyone. My husband and I are so much closer to each other and to ourselves. We have and still are learning so much about who we are and who we want to be. In those ways I am glad to have gone through this experience. I am glad to come out the other-side stronger! Porn has destroyed lots of marriages, it doesn't get this one!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on July 19, 2018, 04:26:32 PM
A25,

Just wanted to publicly say thanks for your journal. I did sit down and read it in its entirety. Took some time but it was well worth it.

Peace
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 19, 2018, 07:26:53 PM
Bob, Wow! The whole thing? Well now you must know I am nuts! LOL Thank you for your kind words. You are such a great part of this community.

Today was good. Learned some new things in a quickbooks class for our business. Overall not much new. I am getting ready for our trip to go pick up the kids. We have some lights to drop off on the way for trying to get everything prepped and ready is a bit stressful but nothing I can't manage. So excited to see my kiddos! There are no words to describe how much I have missed them and I am so excited to have our family all together again! 2 months is too long to visit grandma!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 30, 2018, 01:02:55 PM
So many things feel complete when we are a family together! I really love and missed my kids! We have returned and I just feel so much better knowing they are with me! My heart feels better and stress immediately dropped about 1000 degrees! I have been unpacking, doing laundry, and registering the kids for all of their extra curricular (ballet, chess, music, soccer,  girl scouts, ect). Looking at the schedule I would normally be overwhelmed because there is just so much between kids, homeschool, and business. Right now, there is no overwhelm, just excitement that my kids are home and I get to see them participate in all of these activities. I love being their mom! My husband missed them too. There were tears all around when we saw them! I touches my heart to see our family so close! I know that these kids will grow up and move out but right now its so good. Life is so good and I just want to soak up every minute of it.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on July 30, 2018, 03:06:07 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on July 31, 2018, 11:00:33 AM
I was journaling today and reflecting on the past two months without the kids here. One big take away was that my hubby and I will be ok. Someday these kids are going to move out. It will just be the two of us. We will be left with whatever we have nurtured up to that point. Our relationship takes work, time, investment. I look back over the years and see where both of us have at different times neglected it. We put other things as a priority over each other. These last few years have been really hard, gut wrenching hurt. There were times when I wanted so badly to just walk away. Slowing both of us started giving each other the time and attention that is deserved of a partner. We started treating each other the way we wanted to be treated. We finally learned how to love each other authentically. I know now that when the day comes and the kids do grow up and move out, when it is just us, we will be ok. We need to keep putting in the work and the effort each day, treating each other with grace, kindness, love, compassion, encouraging each other, laugh daily, and love always. It makes the thought of just the two of us not a sad thing but hopeful. Our future is good! I am so glad for that!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 15, 2018, 01:57:32 PM
Life has been good. Busy but good. The kids are home and we are back into our routine. We home school and don't really take summers off however they did do a lot less work when they were visiting family so we are getting back to a normal load of school work. It feels good to get back in the groove. The kids are excite about new school books so it should be a good year.

Over the weekend I got do a taco stand at a music festival! I have wanted a food truck for the last 15 years and I love cooking so much so this taco stand was a bit of a big deal to me. It was just one day and I doubled my $$. Plus I had so many people telling me I needed to open a restaurant or something. My food was a hit! It felt so good to try out a small version of a big dream. Maybe sometime I will do it again but I am thinking Hawaiian food next time. Humm, so many options, lol!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on August 28, 2018, 11:16:57 AM
Life has been full steam ahead. So much good stuff, just learning how to pace myself. I have been doing some reflection and going back into some of my old journals and realizing just how far I have come in my journey and where the work and attention needs to be. I am learning how to just let things go. Not for the sake of other but frankly for my own sanity. I met a couple that is going to be moving in across the street from us, they are renting and they have two small kids. Reminds me a lot of my hubby and I a few years back. Anyway her and I were connecting and visiting and she had mentions something about social media and why my husband wasn't on there. I was very open (I have my husbands permission, he is just as open himself) I just said because he is a recovering porn addict and that is a trigger for him. I am to a point where the opinion of someone else isn't as much a concern for me. This is who we are, it is part of our past, I don't hide it. If anything talking about it plainly and not making a big deal makes it easier for other to talk too. That is exactly what happened. She said that her and her husband are going through the same thing. They are two months in. My heart just broke for her but I said I get it. She said she is very depressed and started crying. She hasn't been able to talk to anyone about this. I just gave her a hug. I told her that I am here, she is not alone and it will be ok. The relief of being able to open up and talk to someone was so huge for her. I remember what that felt like. It is such an isolating feeling. I was so honored to be able to be a support to her.

I don't know what tomorrow looks like but I do know that I am supposed to live today with transparency. I am not ashamed of my husbands past. I am proud of the man he is today! I am proud of who we are as a couple and family and who we are becoming. I am excited for our future. The hurt was and still is real but it is worth tackling because life of this side is so much better!!!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 03, 2018, 11:08:28 AM
Things are good. Just trying to keep the momentum up. Saw the new neighbors and met for a glass of wine on the porch. It was really great! I love the community here. Also my hubby and I were watching a movie the other night. There was a sex scene and I didn't really even think about it, I just started fast forwarding through it, my husband immediately said thanks. I notice now how it is just part of habit at this point. For me it isn't a big deal but I can see how it is still a trigger for him. He says it doesn't make him want to view porn it just is a reminder of his past. He is reminded of the problems it caused and it just makes him feel uncomfortable. It is quite different perspective than who he was. I can see how all the little steps we have been putting in for the least few years are becoming patterns and habits now.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on September 03, 2018, 02:34:54 PM
You guys have come so far, it's almost unbelievable!  ;D

Congrats!  :)
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 06, 2018, 09:16:44 AM
Thank you Malando, I agree. I am very proud of how far we have come but mostly of where we are going. I am more in love with him today than I was the day I said "I do". I feel we both know each other more and we have a much more sure footing with each other. I feel comfortable with him, I feel safe with him, and I feel like what ever comes up we can handle it. 

Life has been good but busy as usual.  Just trying to get everything done.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 10, 2018, 04:43:29 PM
Enjoyed a great weekend with the family. We got a lot accomplished around our house and in the evening we all sat around the living room reading one evening and the other evening we plays some board games. I love that we spend the entire weekend together and the screen wasn't the center of entertainment. The kids didn't even care. We just enjoyed helping and spending time  together. These moments will be my favorite moments that I will hold in my memory forever.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 14, 2018, 10:28:14 AM
I have been connecting slowly with a few more ladies and of course porn addiction seems to be a prevalent thing. Ladies don't just come out and say it but it is the little things they don't say. I can almost feel the insecurity oozing off of them. In those moments I usually tend to mention my experience first and inevitably they always say how they are going through the same thing. The awareness of how common this is just hurts my heart. Seeing beautiful and amazing ladies, mothers, doing their best but hurting so much and trying to hold it all together and pretend that everything is just fine. I feel sad for them, for their marriage, their kids. I am thankful that I am no longer there. I don't want to live like that. If everything isn't fine, I want to say that. I want to live transparently. I have so much more happiness, joy, and peace now. So glad to be free from continuing to live in what I think is the expectation of other and just start living for me!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on September 14, 2018, 04:20:45 PM
It is such a pain isn't it.

I confessed to a dear friend and his response back was that he too is dealing with this and has for a long time. Somehow it has to come out in the open or it will continue to fester. I think many believe they are the only ones with this problem, PA and significant others.

So sad.

Peace
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on September 14, 2018, 10:34:45 PM
What is most puzzling to me is that sex is everywhere, tv, movies, ads, internet, social media, yet no one talks about it.  No one talks about the fallout from being sex centered.  Sex addiction, porn addiction, sexual abuse, sexual assault, significants others of addicts and victims.  It all seems to be taboo.  So all suffer in silence thinking "only me".   

How sad that this seems to be the case.  We must all talk.  We need to shine a light. 
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on September 17, 2018, 10:50:44 AM
Gracie & Bob, I completely agree! I find it very freeing to be able to talk about it, my husband does as well. I don't understand why sex is something we don't talk openly about it. I think there would be so much shame removed and isolation would ease as well. I find that as I am more open and approachable and I step out and just live transparently about my life others seem to meet me there. I am realizing that it helps me build friendship based on real honestly and connection. That to me is the type of friendship that I want and really value. The more I delve into learning to love myself and (as a christian) love this creation that God designed the more I realize that I no longer seek the approval of others. I am ok if people don't like me. I understand we are all different and I might not be everyone's cup o tea, that is ok! I don't have time to be everyone friend, lol. I do have time to create real connection and lasting friendships with a few. These relationships are built on trust, honesty, integrity, and transparency, grace, and love. Allowing each other to be themselves and encouraging each other, isn't that what it is all about? In a culture where sex is everywhere, shouldn't that be part of the conversation? It is impacting our lives, shouldn't we talk about it?

Over the weekend (and if I am going to be honest off and on for a while now) my 8 yr old daughter has asked to shave her legs. I have very thick hair and my husband is pretty hairy as well. I have to shave my legs regular and yes I can see my daughter has leg hair. It is pretty dark since she has dark hair and she is very tan. I think she is beautiful and she completely has my heart. She feels insecure about her leg hair. She says other kids comment on it a lot. It makes her feel shame and she says she doesn't want to feel gross about herself. The fact that this is a problem is sad. It is the byproduct of an extremely over sexualized culture for sure! Why do kids at 8 even care?!? Much less take it upon themselves to shame others?!? I explained that once you start shaving you have to keep it up. We talked about loving our bodies just as they are. Then the kids were playing outside with some neighbor kids and I heard it. Kids can be so mean. She is strong and beautiful. Not fat at all and honestly this is probably the only things that might be obvious to tease her about. She is small for her age, thick dark brown hair, beautiful eyebrows and eyes, she is 45 lbs and can carry a 55# weight up stairs! She is amazing! Sure enough I hear neighbor kids tell her she has hairier legs then them (they are 12). They say she has man legs. I watched as she just said, "So it's none of your business, that is the way God made me". As she walked away I could see here face, it hurt her. She is strong and didn't let that boy see her pain, but it hurt all the same. My heart broke for her. It shouldn't even be an issue, she is 8!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on September 21, 2018, 09:17:31 PM
I am so sorry. You are right, it shouldn't be an issue when you are eight. But, you have one gutsy little girl there. She will grow up with a confidence beyond her years.

She is a strong, with the emphasis on IS!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 02, 2018, 12:52:08 PM
Thanks Bob, you are right, she is very strong indeed.

Well life goes on.

Had a weird experience at the grocery store. I was in the produce section and it was a bit crowded, I was getting some things and someone brushed against my back. I didn't really think much about it as there were a few people around but when I turned I noticed it was a man. It surprised me but at the same time I told myself that it probably was an accident. Then as I rounded to the next isle to the fruit I felt it again. He was reaching for something and grazed my butt reaching for something. The same guy! Me a few years ago wouldn't have said anything but would have just tried to hide from him all over the grocery store. I probably wouldn't have even gotten everything I needed. Today was a very different story. I just looked at him and said "I believe the correct response is excuse me when you are trying to discreetly touch a woman's ass! I noticed on the last isle but gave you the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for you this isle is less crowded so you don't have that excuse. Instead you just look like a pervert! My ass in not for sale and available for touching!"

He just stood there. I think he was in shock. I finished my shopping and got a few glances from other people. When I was speaking to him other people heard and everyone looked at me like I was a crazy woman. When I got in the car I started reflecting on it and realized how upset I was. Firstly, I wonder how many other times he has done this? Is this a regular thing for him? I am not something available for his enjoyment, I am a person! Secondly, why is it when a woman speaks up people treat her like she is the one with the problem? If I walked through a grocery store doing the same thing would it be ok? NO!!! There were other women there and they all just stood there. No support from anyone! I just feel like that is not ok. It was really upsetting. Just like when a kid is being bullied we encourage other kids to stick up for the kids being bullied. Say something! Why as adults do we not? This is a form of bullying, is it not? So why doesn't other adults (male for female) support each other? I felt so alone and on display for the rest of my shopping. I wanted to leave but Iwasn't going to give that man the satisfaction. This is just ridiculous.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on October 07, 2018, 04:58:49 PM
To the first part; You go girl! To the second part, I bet there were others that knew he deserved it. They just didn’t know how to respond.

I’m proud of you.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on October 22, 2018, 07:39:04 AM
Well its been a bit and life just keeps going. I have been on here less due to some health issues. These things really put life in focus and for that I am thankful. Life is good. I feel so blessed to have kids that are my world, a husband that is my best friend, and a God that loves me unconditionally. I am counting my blessings for sure!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Gracie on October 24, 2018, 05:24:37 AM
Just saw your post.  Sorry you are having illness.  That is the worst.  Hope your husband and kids are giving you well deserved TLC.  Ihave found that when I have health issues especially when pain is involved, the triggers abound in my weary head.  My husband and I figured it out.  I let him know when I have physical pain.  If it overwhelms me, he holds me while I cry.   It is like the pain just opens the door.  Don't know if that happens to you or any of the others on here.  But it sucks.

Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on November 13, 2018, 04:05:20 PM
Been a while and wanted to pop on. Things are alright. Still working though some health issues and figuring out a plan. Overall I think it will be alright.

My husband and I are continuing to work on our communication. The topic have been coming up off and on quite a bit about FaceBook. People always asking why he doesn't have a face book account. Then he brought up about getting one again. He said he doesn't really want one except to see all the events because apparently that is where everyone advertises what's going on. We share an instagram acc and I would be lying if I didn't admit that it does occasionally make my heart skip a beat in fear when I pick up his phone to hand it to him and instagram is up. We both have an open policy that either of us can look at each others phones anytime because we have nothing to hide. There are times when he is upstairs and ask me to bring him is phone cause he left it down stairs and I will see instagram up. I always look to see what's been searched and what is in his feed. It always brings up those anxious feelings. There has never been an issue. Once there was a steampunk girl but I could see how that was just in the feed because of the old Victorian house photos that he searched and the architecture related searches. It was clearly not sought out and there are always spammers trying to fish. He seemed genuinely surprised that it was even there. It wasn't in any of his saved pictures just something that they used the hashtag Victorian to come up.  Anyway, facebook I just feel isn't a good idea. I told him it was his decision. I don't want to be his parent monitoring him forever. He asked me how I felt about him having a facebook account and I told him it made me uncomfortable. He used facebook a lot to masturbate to my friends and it was really damaging to me and my relationships with a lot of my friends. Thinking of him going back on there is really triggering. I feel like I should be over this by now. He really is a different person and I really don't want to hold him to who he was a disregard all the progress and effort he has made but at the same time I just feel anxiety in my gut. I guess I am not ready. Does that make me unforgiving? I am not sure. Well this post has basically been my thought process just spilled out, lol. I think I sound nuts, lol.

Well to anyone who made it this far I hope you are doing well! Thanks.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 03, 2018, 02:45:33 PM
Just wanted to pop back in while I am on the mend. Overall I am getting better and that progress feels good. Nothing on the porn front. My husband and I continue to communicate and grow together. This process was and still remains one of the hardest things for myself and my marriage but I am glad we stuck it out. We are an entirely new couple today than we were before this. I like this new us so much more! On the 17th we will have been married for 15 years and together for just over 16. I look back and realize just how much life we have managed to squeezing into these last 15. There have been lots of ups and downs and plenty times I wanted to give up but I am so glad that we are still here and standing together.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: Braved118 on December 16, 2018, 08:16:45 PM
Hello, I never experience your shoes but I believe that marriage is a couple who their love is strong forever because you can take care of the world together. Sorry if this sounds hurtful but you guys are blinded. I guess you think is a process because you find it hard to accept that you need a break to be alone to get you confidence up.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on December 17, 2018, 07:44:28 AM
As soon as I read something that is negative I check to see how long this individual has been a part of RN. Odd that someone who has only been a member 1 day feels the need to point out where they disagree. Particularly when the individual posting appears to be a younger person.

Seems particularly strange. Just saying...
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 17, 2018, 11:59:28 AM
Bob, I appreciate your support! Braved118 is allowed his opinion but  it doesn't make we wonder how long this individual has been married for to offer such words of advise. Before I had kids I had all kinds of ideas on how to raise them, now I have kids and I realize how little I know. This could be a similar example.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 24, 2018, 02:14:16 PM
To anyone reading this Merry Christmas!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: bob on December 24, 2018, 08:11:31 PM
A very Merry Christmas to you too.

Peace to all on earth.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 27, 2018, 07:53:56 PM
Well Christmas was good. Learning how to do the holidays in a new town away from family always feels different. Last year we flew home for Christmas so this was the first Christmas in my entire life that I wasn't with my family. So weird. It was just my husband and kids and I. I thought it would feel lonely and sad but it didn't at all. It was quite and did feel a little different. We usually go to my moms and there ends up being about 30 people with all the cousins and grandparents and all, so 4 was very different. It was actually really nice. I didn't have to spend half the day cooking a meal for 30, then doing dishes, and then pulling out dessert, and then doing more dishes. My mom and I usually do all the cooking. Instead I got to spend the entire day with my husband and kids relaxing. I got to see them enjoy their presents and help them build things. We cooked a fancy candle lit dinner together and we all helps clean it up too. I think it was actually my favorite Christmas. We took a walk through the neighborhood with cups of hot chocolate and just spent time together. We facetimed the family back home to say hi, but seeing all the chaos in the background made me appreciate the gift of enjoying quiet time with just our immediate family. I am so thankful that we have managed to work through things and continue to do so. I am glad that my husband and I have been committed to making this marriage a priority and that we are still together enjoying our kids and this life together. Looking forward to another year full of life, lessons to learn, and laughs to share.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: malando on December 28, 2018, 08:44:16 AM
Well Christmas was good. Learning how to do the holidays in a new town away from family always feels different. Last year we flew home for Christmas so this was the first Christmas in my entire life that I wasn't with my family. So weird. It was just my husband and kids and I. I thought it would feel lonely and sad but it didn't at all. It was quite and did feel a little different. We usually go to my moms and there ends up being about 30 people with all the cousins and grandparents and all, so 4 was very different. It was actually really nice. I didn't have to spend half the day cooking a meal for 30, then doing dishes, and then pulling out dessert, and then doing more dishes. My mom and I usually do all the cooking. Instead I got to spend the entire day with my husband and kids relaxing. I got to see them enjoy their presents and help them build things. We cooked a fancy candle lit dinner together and we all helps clean it up too. I think it was actually my favorite Christmas. We took a walk through the neighborhood with cups of hot chocolate and just spent time together. We facetimed the family back home to say hi, but seeing all the chaos in the background made me appreciate the gift of enjoying quiet time with just our immediate family. I am so thankful that we have managed to work through things and continue to do so. I am glad that my husband and I have been committed to making this marriage a priority and that we are still together enjoying our kids and this life together. Looking forward to another year full of life, lessons to learn, and laughs to share.
That's exactly how my family experienced Christmas this year! It was actually really nice - very cosy and intimate, just enjoying each other's company and joy. We cooked everything together and ate together. It was probably the nicest Christmas dinner I've ever had. We missed family to an extent, but we appreciated what we had so much more. Congrats to you and your family on a great accomplishment!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on December 31, 2018, 11:07:40 AM
Well another year ends and a new one begins. I don't have big goals or anything for the new year just a continuation of the progress that I hope to continue. My prayer for 2019 is to learn to love more and grow my capacity of love for others. I just want to keep the momentum going. I am continually amazed by how much this journal and the people here have help and made a big impact on my life. I am so grateful for all of you. 5 years ago my perspective on porn addiction and addiction in general was a lot different. I can see how I was viewing though a much different lens. After seeing the changes in my husband and in myself I have so much more compassion for those who are hurting though this addiction. My heart breaks for the addict as well as his family. I have experienced first hand just how much this can ripple though a family in more way than I ever knew. I can see how my heart has grown to love a group of people I had never considered before and for that I am so grateful. I have gotten to know a deeper part of myself and wrestled with so many judgments and attitudes that I never knew I carried. Even those that I have disagreed with or those that have frankly flat out attacked me have helped me understand myself and how I respond in the situations and I feel like I am stronger for it. I welcome hearing different perspectives and have come to realize I have an increase desire to encourage people where they are at. They don't need to see it my way for me to still be encouraging to them. The more I learn through these tough conversations the more I realize I still have so much to learn. So I am ending this year in gratitude. Thank you to all the people here who I have met. Thank you for being apart of my process, my life wouldn't be the same without you.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on January 14, 2019, 03:13:02 PM
Not a lot new going on. We got a bunch of snow and decided to make the weekend a family time weekend. My husband and I had planned to work but decided to just spend time sledding and throwing snowballs with the kids. In the evening we were planning on watching a family movie but the kids asked if we could just start a new book together instead. We started a new series and we all take turns reading a few pages. It is funny listening to each of us make different voices for the characters! We had a neighbor kids join in for most of the weekend. He is an only child and just wanted to be around friends while his dad is on the mend (recovering from shoulder surgery). He had so much fun and he kept says "my house isn't like this at all" or "My parents do really play with me they just take me to go play by myself". It never occurred to me that actually playing with my kids would be something unique. As I reflect on the years before my husbands reboot he would usually stay home and work (aka look at porn and do some work too, lol). Now he is so much more present and I am so glad we get to enjoy him being with us instead of looking for an escape from us. It feels good to be a family.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: PE30 on January 15, 2019, 02:23:46 AM
That's really lovely :) whilst I was using porn and chat rooms I'd use excuses to get out of going out with the family on a Sunday afternoon - a bit of a cold, or a headache, or just tiredness. I do often feel tired on a Sunday especially if the Saturday has been busy or I've been busy at church, but we have a better system: I might have a brief low-down on the sofa for 20-30 minutes and then I'll get up and go out with the girls. I'm in the main living area, everyone knows what I'm doing and the girls get plenty of time with me.

Glad to hear how well things are going for you and your family.
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on February 18, 2019, 12:42:48 PM
Well I haven't posted on here in a bit so I thought I would just on and post real quite. February is always busy for us. It is when we try to squeeze in a work trip/ family getaway for a week or so and my daughter and I share a birthday as well! Turned 36 on the 9th and my daughter turned 9. It is fun to share a birthday with her because she gets so excited. I probably  wouldn't celebrate my birthday at all but she is so insistent on making sure I am honored as well as her. It is really sweet.

  Valentines day rolled around. I am not big on hallmark holidays so it isn't really a bit deal for us. I didn't get anything for my husband and he usually never gets me anything either but this year he surprised me....sorta, lol. He got me a new chainsaw and wood splitting axe. I feel like this present was for the both of us, lol. We tried them both out over the weekend and cut and split a few cords of wood. It was fun just hanging out and working together. We have been working together more lately as we have added a small contracting business to our other business and we have a few restoration projects (in addition to the house we are still finishing). It is fun to be side by side again. Our other business keeps me more at home running the office and helping homeschool and he ends up doing all the shop work. I have been taking 1-2 days a week and doing some construction and I love it. Feels good to get dirty, work hard, and come home exhausted. I feel accomplished oddly. Plus the added bonus of spending more time with my husband. One of the things he loves about me is the fact that I can work power tools and am not afraid of a big project and helping with it. I feel like we havne't worked side by side in a while so this has been almost like a second honeymoon of sorts for us.

Hope all is well with all of you!
Title: Re: Its a process...I guess.
Post by: aquarius25 on March 26, 2019, 12:20:04 PM
Life keeps moving. Recently someone my husband had received a lot of encouragement from in his early days of recovery had reached out to him again. My husband didn't give me details but just said that if felt good to encourage someone who he received so much encouragement from. He also said that it was a good wake up call to never take things for granted and get too comfortable. Even years down the road he still tried to hold the perspective of one day at a time. We both have tried to appreciate each other and our family so much more than we used to. I look back over this journey and especially in the early days there were many times I felt so hurt and wanted to call it quits but he was doing everything he could. He never gave up and seeing that and know how much I love him, well, I could give up either. I am so glad we stuck it out. I know he still gets urges and every now and then he will notice something and tell me, I can see this becoming a P-sub and I need to not go there or do that. I know that even years later he still can fall into a relapse and it isn't over but I am glad he is mindful and I am trying to be as well. Whatever happens I know I trust him to be honest with me. That feels good.