Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: CB on December 20, 2018, 04:21:09 AM

Title: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 20, 2018, 04:21:09 AM
Today is a day I’d like to say goodbye to you, you gave me a quick fix, comfort, taking away my worry and anxiety for years I’ve been a slave to you (addiction).
That feeling of comfort slowly was turning in to shame and putting myself down.
P and M and O became to sexting and trading pictures, and more shame and anxiety about my relationship with my girlfriend.
Today I say goodbye, there’s a hell of a rocky road before me, but when the rocks turns slowly in to sand I know I’ve made it. Eventhough I know there will be a rock somewhere now and then down the road to recovery.  I know I
have to stay strong.

I relapsed and went on to reddit and PMOed this morning, but I have been free from PMO and had great sex with my girlfriend maybe once a week, maybe one or two weeks and I relapse one time and another two weeks free from PMO.
But I will set a goal for myself and keep writing here.

I have ADHD and OCD and they’re surely one of the reasons I have this addiction. And now it just have to stop, I’m tired of myself blaming myself and feeling shameful.

It’s the times when I’m home alone that’s the most difficult. I’ll start from here and I want to make a week at a time.

Day ONE.
I’ll keep myself busy and do my best to keep away from my phone and checking social media for triggers.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 20, 2018, 04:27:53 AM
The weeks I’ve stayed off of PMO I’ve been getting these vivid dreams of girls and sex and sexting.
I know this is all part of recovery, but it makes it harder for sure.
I started to get panic attacks and agoraphobia for a while was bad, got these lightheaded feeling and dizziness most parts of the days. And I think there is a link to my addiction when recovering I get these feelings and anxiety when I’m not able to fix myself.
Anyone got these withdrawals or any other symptoms?
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: thephoenix on December 20, 2018, 01:46:30 PM
Yes. I had terrible anxiety attacks a few days ago from severe cravings for an O. And also feelings of guilt and shame for having severe cravings and thoughts and flashbacks of porn all day.

Its was a very shitty day. The gym got my head back in the game that evening. Working out regularly is an extremely important part of a male reboot. It helps regulate dopamine and endorphin shots in a very healthy way since the brain is not getting its regular “fix” from PMO anymore.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 21, 2018, 02:33:28 AM
Thanks for the reply, yeah It was really bad for a couple of weeks for me as well. I didn’t get time to go to the gym this week before Xmas but I will be going next week, it surely makes withdrawals more easy to handle. This is such an hard addiction and obsession to beat.
It just takes like one trigger to set me off in fantasizing and escaping reality kind of. I used to rely on fantasizing when I had a hard time to sleep when I was younger and it’s been with me since I was 12-14 years old.

Day TWO. Me and my girlfriend will be driving to her parents house to celebrate xmas, will be a long drive from here. So I guess it will keep me from triggers since Im the one driving.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 25, 2018, 06:26:38 AM
Okay haven’t been on here in a couple of days since me and my girlfriend have been traveling to her parents home. And it’s been great here. Haven’t even had time to think about my addiction, no triggers no dreams. Just calm here, there’s lots of snow and the air is refreshing.
I think it’s going to be a challenge again when I’m home.

Merry xmas everyone and hope you have some time away from negative thoughts.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on December 25, 2018, 04:17:43 PM
Okay haven’t been on here in a couple of days since me and my girlfriend have been traveling to her parents home. And it’s been great here. Haven’t even had time to think about my addiction, no triggers no dreams. Just calm here, there’s lots of snow and the air is refreshing.
I think it’s going to be a challenge again when I’m home.

Merry xmas everyone and hope you have some time away from negative thoughts.

Man, I remember when I was a kid, I must've been 12 or so but I had been masturbating several times a day. My dad asked me if I wanted to go with him to this city because he had something to do there. We went there and had to spend the night at someone's apartment. There were 4 people in their family. I ended up not masturbating even once all day and a day without masturbation had never happened in my life, not even when I was down with the flu. Definitely being in those people's apartment shut me down completely. I couldn't bring myself to jerk off. I couldn't go to the bathroom to do it or anything like that.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 27, 2018, 01:31:36 AM
Back home and just as we arrived home I felt some triggers and urges coming on, what do you guys feel about sex with your partner during rebooting?
I feel as sex feels dull and my brain wants to PMO, I hope this feeling will ween off. I love my partner so much and we have great sex when we have it but I think I’m not relaxed from all the anxiety and or thinking about rebooting.

Day SEVEN without PMO.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on December 27, 2018, 04:26:03 AM
Back home and just as we arrived home I felt some triggers and urges coming on, what do you guys feel about sex with your partner during rebooting?
I feel as sex feels dull and my brain wants to PMO, I hope this feeling will ween off. I love my partner so much and we have great sex when we have it but I think I’m not relaxed from all the anxiety and or thinking about rebooting.

Day SEVEN without PMO.

I support the idea of "Listening to your body". People may not agree with it but it worked for me. This idea is that, if you feel like sex is dull and your brain wants to PMO, then maybe you should stay away from it, for awhile, it won't be forever.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 28, 2018, 06:39:51 AM
Thanks for the replies.

Today and yesterday has been more challenging. Keep getting these urges to visit a site or look at gitls to trigger me on instagram. I’ve not allowed myself to do so. I’m just tired of the feeling to letting down me and my girlfriend.

Day EIGHT.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: joepanic on December 28, 2018, 07:23:36 AM
Hey CB   I def  subscribe to  making love to your wife during a reboot  as long as it works and you get it up  and she is into it .  Even it its a bit dull for you,  you  need to think that making it not dull  is a huge goal for you(plus you cant  pmo   while making love to your lady)  start working on ways to put wanting to pmo out of your mind  while in the sack with her   think about the wonderful things she is doing and how your making her feel    Does she know your suffering through this.   My wife does not know I had a 30 year addiction(I don't ever plan on telling her)  and it never affected our  love life or family in any way  just me not being able to pursue other interests and of course the brain fog that came with it   I have made huge progress here in the last year  and am winning the battle   Make changing your outlook a big part of your recovery  with mine it was not so much giving up pmo rather it was reclaiming the life I really wanted

       Post often it helped me it will help you
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 28, 2018, 11:07:04 AM
Thanks joepanic for the encouragement!

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I need to learn for myself that everything can’t be perfect all the time, neither is my emotions. As with sex, mostly it’s great. But she is okay going without it for 2 weeks and I’ll be struggling to keep away from pmo, but I think this view on sex is healthy for me. To have it once a week or once every two weeks, but I’ll have to handle going without it for even more if so. Life is dynamic. Just as you I’m wanting to reclaim the life I want. Today’s been a struggle, I went in on a site to look at girls and I stopped myself and went for a shower instead and trying to be constructive and active. My girlfriend doesn’t know about this either, I’m actually going to a CBT therapist soon and I’ll man up and tell them about this.

Urges and a feeling of longing for pmo or missing it, do you guys get that too?
And a slight headache comes with it too..
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 29, 2018, 04:14:29 AM
Day NINE

I’ve been having urges and lots of dreams last night. I’ve had quite lightheaded feeling dizzy a little, agoraphobia kind of symptoms. My stomach and bowel is going crazy as well. Anyone else having these symptoms during withdrawal?
I’ve been thinking the stress and anxiety during reboot is making my stomach/intestines stressed. Been like this for weeks now since I’ve been withdrawing from pmo, or had a relapse the last months once a week or less.
I used to pmo like 3-5 times a day, sometimes 5-10 times at its worst.
Withdrawal symptoms has been strange since I quit. How about you guys?
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 30, 2018, 04:35:35 AM
Day TEN

I made it while home alone yesterday, I went in to some sites and had a look and stopped myself. I’m really happy about that. But the withdrawal symptoms is continuing I woke up with the headache, it sort of feels like when I quit tobacco, it’s a fight. But this feels way more difficult to over come.. It’s been there with me since I was 12-13 years old. It’s been a compulsion to calm myself or aid stress or depression and anxiety. It’s becoming more clear as the time passes, I knew all along one day I have to face myself and stop running..

Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on December 30, 2018, 09:05:58 AM
Day TEN

I made it while home alone yesterday, I went in to some sites and had a look and stopped myself. I’m really happy about that. But the withdrawal symptoms is continuing I woke up with the headache, it sort of feels like when I quit tobacco, it’s a fight. But this feels way more difficult to over come.. It’s been there with me since I was 12-13 years old. It’s been a compulsion to calm myself or aid stress or depression and anxiety. It’s becoming more clear as the time passes, I knew all along one day I have to face myself and stop running..

This is a reason why some people (myself included) have wanted to quit for years but always ended up relapsing, because of the withdrawal and subsequent fear of it. When you see how hard it is, you say: "Fuck, man, I can't quit cause it's hard."
If anybody is serious about quitting PMO, he needs to understand it is an addiction, not just a sick habit, and a very difficult addiction if we started as teenagers. I don't think there is some magic pill that we could just take and avoid the withdrawal (methadone for our porn addiction) so we have to go through this stupid withdrawal to get clean.
But, we might as well go through withdrawal once and be done with and never look back. If we keep relapsing, we keep encountering the withdrawal again and again because we stop the withdrawal with the relapse, we have calmed ourselves for a couple of days then the same withdrawal starts again. I'll suffer through it once and then fuck it.

Peace.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 30, 2018, 09:57:34 AM
I’m totally with you on this Changemylife, I’ve had another day at home without relapsing. Stress is up but it’s doable for sure. Feel quite empty right now know it will pass. Takes time to heal.
Hope you guys are having a good day, I’m looking firward to the NFL games to start soon.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on December 31, 2018, 07:31:45 AM
Day ELEVEN

Yesterday me and my girlfriend had great sex, we both felt very relaxed afterwards. Todays been tougher because I had a O yesterday. But I’ll keep strong. Keeping busy until tonight when we’ll celebrate the new yea.

Happy new year to you all!
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 01, 2019, 04:41:44 AM
Day TVELVE

I’m happy I made another day alone at home yesterday, going to keep push myself. I know how much I hate that feeling of failure and shame. Trying to keep remind myself about that.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 02, 2019, 11:06:54 AM
Day 13

I’ve been at work, urges to look at girls on instagram and facebook flared up during my time in office. But I’ve largely handled the tempatations well.

I know this is triggers and part of the compulsiions.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: Allinya83 on January 02, 2019, 11:49:28 AM
Hey CB, I've read your story and feel your pain.  For me, I deleted Facebook and Insta because the good looking girls are nearly impossible to miss.  You don't need to delete your accounts, just delete the apps for a while and find a book or keep writing.  Also, it could be very freeing to tell your girlfriend.  It was for me to tell my wife.  I completely understand the caution about telling her and not knowing how she will react.  I'll just say my wife was supportive and understanding. It has made our sex life better and more often because she knows she is the only one that gets my sexual attention.  *Its easy for me to say to you, but I don't know anything about your relationship, so only you can make that decision.
Stay Strong!
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 02, 2019, 12:22:48 PM
Thanks Allinya83! Yeah I’ve actually thought about deleting them. As you say, the good looking girls are impossible to miss. I’m happy I’ve done almost 13 days without pmo. I get urges all the time, but as any addiction the impact of them gets less powerful every day we keep ourselves from pmo or other compulsive behavior. It’s really hard right now, and I believe it will be like this for a long time. But I feel good about feeling a little more free from the grasp of it.
I’ll definitely tell my psychiatrist about this, and see if I’d tell my girlfriend about it later on. I can see telling your wife has been a help for you, and probably would fir lots of us.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 02, 2019, 12:31:05 PM
Staying away from social media is another key to success. I mean, I get a rush even by reading "the good looking girls from Facebook". This is how those platforms could brainwash you. They get so well tattooed on your brain that you will have to fight to just "forget them" if this is even possible. Maybe better said is: "Until they lose their power over you. When you are able to think about it but feel no urge." Cause going there to stare at pictures I will definitely not do. I mean, I don't even need Facebook, Instagram and all this bullshit. I am not popular there, I don't make money with that, I don't even have friends there, so why would I stay there all day long? Yeah, only to look at pictures and edge. Bingo! Even the smallest trigger needs to be thrown out the window. I can't even watch my favorite TV series, for Christ's sake! Because they contain some nudity and triggers that I really can't embrace anymore. It's a tightrope, man. Every small step and I'm fucked. Until I can "think more clearly" about this whole mess, I need to stay away from everything.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 04, 2019, 03:09:29 AM
Day 15

Taking day by day, minute by minute.

Yes social apps and media can be a trap for us with this addiction. Each and everyone of us is having our ways to cope with rebooting. I know I’ll need professional help to keep me on my way.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: BootLoader on January 04, 2019, 01:44:08 PM
Check this out, it helped me a lot back in the days.
https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-step-reboot-plan-that-helped-me-quit.24999/
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 05, 2019, 07:30:10 AM
Day 16


Wow thanks a lot Bootloader, I read the reboot plan, really good!
I’m keeping at it. A minor flatline right now, no desire for sex and I don’t feel like MO either.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 06, 2019, 05:59:58 AM
Day 17

Yesterday I felt depressed and a feeling of restlessness and anxious. I’ve felt easily irritable but it will pass, feels little better right now.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 07, 2019, 03:59:33 AM
Day 18

Just didn’t sleep that well, know I’m more prone to get urges and relapse when I’m tired. Keeping on pushing..
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: PE30 on January 07, 2019, 04:34:36 PM
Hey, just reading through your diary. You're making good progress,keep it up. And don't kid yourself that a minor relaxation is a good idea. Don't convince yourself that Insta is fine because it's not porn. Set your mind on better things. And enjoy your real life relationship. Wishing you all the best.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 04:37:51 PM
Hey, just reading through your diary. You're making good progress,keep it up. And don't kid yourself that a minor relaxation is a good idea. Don't convince yourself that Insta is fine because it's not porn. Set your mind on better things. And enjoy your real life relationship. Wishing you all the best.

That bullshit Instagram, Facebook and other shit like that, are like taking sips from the bottle when you are a recovering alcoholic. Why sabotage yourself. True, you brain is begging for any micro-dose of dopamine, that's when those platforms become interesting. It's like mating season but with a screen hahahaha

Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 08, 2019, 12:00:39 PM
Day 19

Me and me girlfriend had a great chill evening yesterday, just great not doing anything sometimes.
Today has felt a little bit easier to ignore the urges and not wandering off on the internet and looking at pictures of girls.

Thanks guys! Means a lot for the encouragement, we just need to readjust our behavior and not falling for temptation. I remember quitting snus wich is tobacco you put under your lip, it took more than a year for me to quit. And I haven’t used it since.. Just need to keep pushing and working on my psychological thought progression in this as well.
Knowledge about obessive behavior and addiction is a great deal of help. As you guys say, the other voice we have in us trying to convince us stuff is okay.. ”just one more time it’s okay” And ”what if I can’t get rid of this?” I’m sure everyone with addictive personality faces these false thoughts.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 12:03:43 PM
Day 19

Me and me girlfriend had a great chill evening yesterday, just great not doing anything sometimes.
Today has felt a little bit easier to ignore the urges and not wandering off on the internet and looking at pictures of girls.

Thanks guys! Means a lot for the encouragement, we just need to readjust our behavior and not falling for temptation. I remember quitting snus wich is tobacco you put under your lip, it took more than a year for me to quit. And I haven’t used it since.. Just need to keep pushing and working on my psychological thought progression in this as well.
Knowledge about obessive behavior and addiction is a great deal of help. As you guys say, the other voice we have in us trying to convince us stuff is okay.. ”just one more time it’s okay” And ”what if I can’t get rid of this?” I’m sure everyone with addictive personality faces these false thoughts.

When hard urges would kick in, I had that voice in my ear telling me: "You can't do this right now. Just relapse this time and next time maybe you get stronger. Maybe now you are not that balanced emotionally and it won't work. Next time maybe it's different". bla bla bla Fuck this! You are never more ready. Better times never come. You have to do it this time if you've started already.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 09, 2019, 02:45:09 PM
Day 20

Yeah, it’s poisonous. The way the mind craves a fix. I think more or less throughout the days I’m in a wrestling match against my addict self. ”one more time, just one time and then I’m good” No can’t do that. That voice has led me down the slope for more than 2 decades.
Keep at it!
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 10, 2019, 11:15:20 AM
Day 21

Haven’t really reflected much over any withdrawals today. I noticed myself went in on facebook to look around and logged out. Had sex yesterday me and my girlfriend, it felt great. I felt I had a more intense feeling afterwards to look at pmo. But it went away, just keeping on pushing.

Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 11, 2019, 08:05:25 AM
Day 22

Have urges to look and impulses to get on the web and have a peek. Nothing I’ve done.
Still these thoughts ”what if it won’t stop?” and ”I’m maybe not strong enough”
Negative thoughts I won’t give in to.
Have a nice day!
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 11, 2019, 08:16:26 AM
That's exactly what happens. When the urges get strong, the impulses to peek, edge a little bit and any "micro-dosing" for dopamine, become very strong too.

I think everybody has these thoughts: "What if the urges don't go away?" "What if I can't control myself until the end and relapse?" I remember some time ago when I had urges pretty much all day which scared me because how strong could you be and endure them? It's crazy. I want to say: "I wish I've never become a fucking porn addict", but it won't make any difference now.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 12, 2019, 06:37:26 AM
Day 23

Yeah I pretty much constantly gets struck with these type of thoughts when I’m alone or got nothing to do. I’m worried about when my girlfriend is going away on vacation for a couple weeks. That’s when I’ll have to stay really strong.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 14, 2019, 03:11:16 AM
Day 25

yesterday I went on to a site and had a look, and stopped myself. But just the thing for me having a look is like failing for me right now. I have to get better at managing my urges and not give in to these things.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 15, 2019, 04:12:41 AM
Day 25

Today has been good so far, my anxiety isn’t as high as in the beginning but it’s going up and down.
It’s not as scary to be without pmo anymore. I used to depend on it, and my thoughts is set on never using it again. For the sake of this crazy internet society.. the sexism and how women are portaited in media. One more day to keep strong and push forward. The triggers are everywhere, need to change my thinking habit.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 16, 2019, 10:38:45 AM
Day 26

Had some dreams about sexting.
Generally had some urges to look at instagram but stopped myself.
Trying to keep on track.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 17, 2019, 03:02:22 PM
Day 27

Today has been harder since I didn’t sleep so well, the cravings and urges to look at pictures of girls has been more tempting today, but have stopped myself on multiple occasions when I recog ize my thoughts wandering off. Get this restless feeling in my body, got to go to the gym to get all this energy out.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: HumbleRich on January 17, 2019, 06:15:42 PM
Keep going CB, you are almost over the hurdle.  Keep it up!

Rich
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 18, 2019, 09:05:29 AM
Thanks Rich! I’m keeping at it, had dreams of pmo last night. Been feeling easily irritated and grumpy today. Day 28 right now, looking forward to meet up with my girlfriend and a couple of friends.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 19, 2019, 03:06:50 PM
Day 29

Have been getting urges more frequently last couple days. Just keeping going. Hope it will pass soon.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 20, 2019, 05:38:35 AM
Day 30

I get pictures in my mind of things I’ve been watching and yesterday went in to have a peek at some pics on google. I stopped myself, I’ve had the feightening thought of not ever using pmo again, that’s the only way to go. It’s not about doing 30-60-90 days, it’s about not coming back again to pmo. It’s great goals but I think I need to get familiar with the thought ”for the rest of my life”.
That’s scary right now, but as these days goes it will probably fade, the fright of letting go.
Relapsing is part of recovery, as long as we don’t give up when we’ve had one relapse. I’ve done so multiple times before. But at last if I can stay strong and just keep away, it will slowly go away.
Got to keep myself busy, and do things instead of peeking on my phone.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 20, 2019, 06:25:05 AM
Day 30

I get pictures in my mind of things I’ve been watching and yesterday went in to have a peek at some pics on google. I stopped myself, I’ve had the feightening thought of not ever using pmo again, that’s the only way to go. It’s not about doing 30-60-90 days, it’s about not coming back again to pmo. It’s great goals but I think I need to get familiar with the thought ”for the rest of my life”.
That’s scary right now, but as these days goes it will probably fade, the fright of letting go.
Relapsing is part of recovery, as long as we don’t give up when we’ve had one relapse. I’ve done so multiple times before. But at last if I can stay strong and just keep away, it will slowly go away.
Got to keep myself busy, and do things instead of peeking on my phone.

The idea of quitting PMO for the rest of your life could definitely feel "scary", "sad" etc. Because pleasure is awesome. That's how we are made, to love pleasure. PMO is a big pleasure. As YBOP says, sex is the greatest natural reward we could get when you think about all the things we could do to experience pleasure without external substances. PMO is an artificial thing that we use thinking it's like sex. "Of course, I arouse myself then I masturbate and I come, isn't it like sex?" Of course it's not the same thing. We gotta understand that we don't need this, it's artificial, it's like eating plastic apples with apple taste. We need to look for the real apples. With time, the sadness of giving up such big pleasure should fade. 
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 21, 2019, 02:59:07 PM
That’s a good explanation, thanks changemylife!

Day 31 in the books here, this is crazy, never gone this long without pmo. Today as the latest days I’ve been feeling easily irritated and angry. Definitely feels like this is because I can’t calm myself with pmo.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on January 21, 2019, 03:06:03 PM
That’s a good explanation, thanks changemylife!

Day 31 in the books here, this is crazy, never gone this long without pmo. Today as the latest days I’ve been feeling easily irritated and angry. Definitely feels like this is because I can’t calm myself with pmo.

31 days! That's outstanding progress so far! Maybe those are withdrawal symptoms?
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 22, 2019, 04:17:15 AM
Day 32

Yeah definitely think these feelings are withdrawal symptoms more or less.
I constantly find myself venturing in my mind with fantasies and flashbacks.
It’s like my brain goes all in trying to get me pmo.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 24, 2019, 01:23:26 AM
Day 34

I have been extremely moody, getting really angry about minor things last couple days. Got a long way to go, but it’s absolutely been a rollercoaster so far, didn’t expect anything else either. I need to really keep myself togheter when my girlfriend will be away on vacation for 3 weeks. That’s going to be a challenge, I just need to prove myself I can do it.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 25, 2019, 12:25:27 PM
Day 35

Didn’t sleep really well but have been a calm and collected day though. Find myself looking at other women when with my girlfriend though. Or looking at women in general more, fantasizing. I feel like it’s some sort of edging behavior.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 26, 2019, 06:24:47 AM
Day 36

I still get temptations of going on the internet and look at different girls. Well as long as I can stop myself, it will get weaker and weaker but it will take some time.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 27, 2019, 08:55:46 AM
Day 37

Feeling a lot more temptations and fantasizing more since we are hung over from last nights dinner party. This wednesday I’ll be alone for 3 weeks, just got to prove to myself that I can make it on my own home alone.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 28, 2019, 09:01:40 AM
Day 38

Almost 40, can’t believe that. Never gone without pmo for this long for the last 20 years. I should feel happy about myself, but it still is a burden right now. No dreams about pmo or anything related the last couple of nights.
Urges haven’t been as strong today.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: PE30 on January 28, 2019, 11:02:02 AM
Brilliant! Keep going.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 29, 2019, 11:24:32 AM
Thanks!

Day 39
Today I’ve felt a little low, not so many urges. Had sex with my girlfriend yesterday, felt really good but I’m thinking too much resulting in some kind of anxiety where I over analyze or check my emotions. I know it’s great but I need to alow myself that everything doesn’t have to be perfect everytime. I can’t be on top everyday.
I think my thinking patterns has been a little black/white.
Keeping on fighting.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 30, 2019, 10:46:42 AM
Day 40

Ever since my girlfriend left home for vacation, I’ve been getting this urge to pmo. Heightened anxiety and feeling stressed. I just need to prove that today can be like yesterday, If I could keep away then there’s no difference, but the urge is stronger.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on January 31, 2019, 10:49:33 AM
Day 41

I did it yesterday, home alone without pmo.
Urges got stronger, but I don’t want to give in to them.
It’s just, all the years I’ve been thinking about quitting. But I was scared to quit..
I need to constantly remind myself about why.. I believe 90 days is a good start.
But I need to stay away for the rest of my life.. It’s a great goal. Hey one week is a great goal when your down there.. We all know that. I’m going to have to keep fighting this for the rest of my life now. Feels good to come here and write, thanks to everyone on here!
I won’t let my guard down
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on February 01, 2019, 08:48:20 AM
Day 42

Got urges, and they feel stronger now during the weekend. If I can stay busy they calm down, and it’s easier to handle. Get these pictures of things I’ve watched and fantasies.
I’ll keep myself busy.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on February 03, 2019, 07:41:43 AM
Day 44

When I was drunk and got to bed I went on to some sites and watched a few pictures, did the same when I woke up. But have stopped myself.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on February 04, 2019, 05:49:51 AM
44 days and I relapsed. I can’t believe myself...
Need to restart this.. not happy with myself right now. All those days and weeks with the dizziness, anxiety, crying spells and so on.. and I come home drunk and go on pmo..
 
I’m doing this for myself and for the relationship I’m in, I’m not going to let this ever be a part of my anymore.. I know relapsing happens but I mean 44 days, I’ve never gone so far before.

I’m going to need help, like professionally.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: Pete McVries on February 04, 2019, 05:55:22 AM
Stop drinking while rebooting. All my relapses happened when I was drunk. I get ultra horny while being hungover. Don't drink!
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on February 07, 2019, 11:16:00 AM
Day 4 since relapse without pmo

Exactly what happened to me, I went to the psychiatrist today and told her about my compulsive habit of pmo. I really miss my girlfriend right now, 2 more weeks alone until she gets home.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: CB on February 08, 2019, 09:01:01 AM
Relapsed yesterday and today..
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 10:34:00 AM
Stop drinking while rebooting. All my relapses happened when I was drunk. I get ultra horny while being hungover. Don't drink!
On YBOP, there is an article and a part of it discusses how, with time, people could start mistaking anxiety for arousal, because both raise dopamine or something like that. Drinking increases my anxiety and I've PMOed many times because of this. It's one of the reason why I haven't hit the bottle in 38 days. My anxiety is lower.
Title: Re: Time to put the pen to paper
Post by: changemylife on February 08, 2019, 10:40:40 AM
Look, this is the section of that article:

"Many of these same emotional states (anxiety, shame, shock, surprise) not only elevate dopamine, but each can also boost stress hormones & neurotransmitters (norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol). These stress neurochemicals increase excitement while amplifying dopamine’s already powerful effects. Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm."

Drinking increases my anxiety hence the above is true. If you get anxiety from drinking, maybe you should stop.