Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: PE30 on February 02, 2018, 10:58:11 AM

Title: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 02, 2018, 10:58:11 AM
Right, day zero again.

BACKGROUND:
I'm a man in his late 30s, married, two children. I have struggled with porn and chat room addiction since my late teens. I got clean in June 2017 and went three months without anything. Had maybe two or three brief relapses and then a long relapse of about six weeks coming into today.

I received another message from a woman I'd been messaging previously, saying that I had essentially ruined her life. In a way, this is true: on a chat room, I was able to hide large parts of myself, my relationship status, parental status and so on, and present myself as this good looking, kind man who'd be good in a relationship. Of course it's all nonsense because I already am in a relationship.

Previous relapses haven't been as hard and as entrenched, but there's still that horrible underlying dissatisfaction in myself. Why do I feel the need for validation through others? Why do I convince myself that I need more than what I have at the moment? I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters, a good job, good friends, health and wisdom and talent.

Anyway I'm calling this day 0. Everything needs to start again.

To those who previously followed my journey and were so encouraging to me: I'm sorry. I ask for your forgiveness and ask that you will help me start my journey again.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 02, 2018, 01:54:15 PM
PS- for those who pray, I'd really appreciate your prayers to help guard me against despairing and sometimes suicidal thoughts. I know that people quite often start this journey with a sense of hope and determination, but I don't feel like I have this yet. Instead, I just feel broken and desolate that I've failed to break this habit and that I've undone the good work I did in the second half of 2017.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 03, 2018, 03:39:14 AM
So this is day one again.

As a cautionary tale to those of you who are tempted to relapse: day one after a relapse is horrible. My hormone levels are all over the shop after losing the regular dopamine hit of chat rooms; I feel guilty, I feel ashamed of myself, I keep crying in front of my wife; it's horrible.

But I guess I just have to keep my eyes on the future. I am going to beat this addiction; I have to. I have no future other than a clean one.

I'm praying for strength, peace and joy.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 03, 2018, 12:58:29 PM
Ugh. Had a nice day but just had a wave of guilt and shame when I got home.

Every so often I daydream that I changed the course of my life and that didn't get in this mess. And then I remember what a horrible person I've been and how lost I am.

I'm in dire need of grace. If anyone reads this and has any encouraging words then please feel free to reply; just feels like I'm talking into a void.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 04, 2018, 08:28:19 AM
Day two

It's been okay so far. I felt a bit emotional listening to Hillsong United in bed this morning but it felt cleansing rather than desperate. At church, I felt a sense of peace about my circumstances.

Before bed last night I looked around our house and thanked God for everything I saw: my wife, my daughters, the security of a home, the layers and layers of goodness and mercy that have followed me. I'm trying to be more aware, more thankful, spend less time on my phone and more time in the real world.

There may still be repercussions from my actions but I can still make positive choices each day.

PS. Is anyone actually reading this?
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 04, 2018, 02:22:05 PM
So why am I doing this?

I'm doing this because I want to put this part of my character and behaviour to death. To life a life of true integrity.

I'm doing this because I have a wife I love so dearly and who I want to be with for the rest of my life.

I'm doing this because I have two beautiful daughters. I want the opportunity to watch them graduate, to walk them down the aisle. I want to be fully present for them.

I'm doing this because I acknowledge the hurt I've caused to women. Not just the one who found out the true me, the one I had the affair with, but the others I've strung along believing they had a connection with me that could lead further than I could promise.

I'm doing this because porn is a destructive industry for all involved and goes against my core beliefs of respect, love and honour.

And in doing this because I serve a mighty God, and because I want to serve him fully without shame and without hindrance. Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 05, 2018, 04:19:25 AM
Day 3

Slept pretty well last night.

Experience tells me that these first few days are pretty tough. I guess I'm having to deal with two things:
- the dopamine withdrawal from the removal of all chat apps etc;
- the guilt of past mistakes.

I've ordered a book on self-forgiveness so I'm going to read that cover to cover when I get back.

I need to stop thinking of myself and start focusing my energies and efforts on others. I'll get there!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 05, 2018, 06:36:13 PM
Hi there, I followed your last journal and I can really hear in your words just how fragile you must feel. Know that Grace is abundant with Christ and it's ok to have that grace for yourself too. The important thing is what you choose to do today. Move forward. Focus on the things you want in your life. Starts living for those things. Also another thought perspective you can take or leave is this. You have two daughters. Studies upon studies have shown that they will most likely gravitate towards the example set forth in their life. They are watching you and looking to you as an example of what they will be looking for in a partner. Who do you want them to look for? I don't say this to shame but more to be keenly aware that your actions have consequences. That is a good thing because you can start living to be the person who you would hope for them to have. I hope and pray that you find peace, grace, and love. When you are living these things there is not room for shame and most certainly no room for porn.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 05, 2018, 08:49:38 PM
Thanks for your message.  I'll be praying for you.  I find that thinking a lot about the future and everything good you have to look forward to helps with the temptation to depression and also helps you to remember why you're doing this, so that when the nasty temptations come you have more reasons in your head to resist.  I make sure I spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day doing this, to be sure it really sinks in.  Once you get through the tough parts it will be easier and you'll have a whole new, clean life of integrity to look forward to.

:)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 06, 2018, 05:34:27 AM
Day 4

Felt last night like I was beginning to turn a corner.

A couple of months ago, our pastor had emailed a few of us asking if we would contribute towards a church-led "New Testament in a Year" reading plan. I'd ignored the message because I was mid-relapse and felt too ashamed to be a part of it. Anyway, last night I signed up for my first contribution and am beginning to prepare a short study on parts of Mark 4 and 5.

I felt that, by doing something positive, I was beginning the fightback - starting to claim my life back again as a man of dignity and wisdom. The study is writing itself and I'm looking forward to giving something back to the members of our church. Also, I'm defeating the purposes of the devil. RT Kendall says something like "if you ever want to find out God's will for your life, think about what the devil would want for your life, and do the opposite".

The feelings of guilt and panic are still there from time to time but it's less intense than it was over the weekend.

Broccolini and aquarius - thank you so much for your contributions and prayers. To be honest, my children do look up to me, and I have a really strong relationship with them. As I said before, I want to watch them grow up, I want the chance to watch them graduate. Maybe I'll walk them down the aisle one day.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 07, 2018, 02:26:47 AM
Day 5

I've been really careful to keep social media use to a minimum. In previous reboots I've relied heavily on things like online Scrabble, music forums etc to help me cope. This time I'm trying to be mindful and thankful for all the things around me: those things that are actually real and present.

It's meant that I'm coming to terms with some feelings I've maybe not felt for a couple of decades. Boredom for example! I was bored at work yesterday. Typically I'd spend the quiet times on Facebook or whatever but I took time to talk to colleagues and read Christian articles.

I'm also asking for prayer every time I feel low. I keep thinking of that image in the Bible of God hiding us under the shelter of His wings.

I feel a bit embarrassed talking about this side of things but my wife and I had sex last night. It was good... During relapses, I was still able to perform but it was often a struggle... Last night there were no problems whatsoever!

Anyway I'll leave it for now.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 07, 2018, 06:25:40 PM
Glad you're being aware of your triggers and difficulties.  Boredom & restlessness are always difficult during rebooting.  Best to find something really positive and engaging to fill that hole.  We can't be reactive in this fight, have to be proactive always.  Keep it up. :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 08, 2018, 02:27:36 AM
Day 6

I felt pretty lousy for much of yesterday. But I came home and saw my daughters playing around giddily and it made me smile. I then had a long chat with my wife about some of my fears; it really helped to talk things through.

I'm aware that there are people on here from all faiths and none, but I'm really finding prayer such a powerful tool in fighting the doubts and fears that crop in. I find it so difficult to accept grace and forgiveness, but that's what Jesus offers. And it's what I need. I can't do this on my own strength; I submit this addiction to God and say that I walk under His guidance. It doesn't mean that I negate my own responsibilities (after all it's my eyes, my brain, my private parts) but I know that staying close to Him is the best way to keep clean.

Am working from home today. Going to stick on some music and be positive!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 08, 2018, 04:47:57 AM
Broccolini - in terms of finding something engaging - I think one strategy is to actually engage properly with the job I'm supposed to be doing.

If I look back at the dates / times I've relapsed over the past six months, most of them have happened when I was supposed to be doing something else: usually either working or sleeping. I've used other crutches to deal with my boredom before: online Scrabble, online music forums, Facebook... you can sense a pattern here.

I'm trying to concentrate on work the best I can. I've started quite well today and feel good about myself for having been productive. I've got some uplifting music playing in the background.

It's a little bit easier to start to think about hobbies and interests now that our children are a little bit older and my wife and I are no longer in that stage where we're permanently exhausted and stressed. We have our difficulties but life is good.

I'm also thinking of giving up caffeine for Lent (!)... I think I'll see how I'm getting on by next Tuesday and make a decision from there! I drink a lot of tea (typical British, huh) - I think it's probably a bad thing if I get caffeine withdrawal headaches. We'll see. Concentrating on the porn and chat room use for now. Don't want to be overconfident but things feel okay so far. The horrid reality is that during a relapse I'd be one hour into a day working from home and I'd already have the porn and chat room windows up on incognito mode. It feels so good to be clean! Lord, please keep working on me and cleanse me thoroughly. Put to death that which leads me to sin.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 08, 2018, 04:21:24 PM
Hey PE30,

Just wanted to reach out and say that a lot of your story resonated with me. I've been struggling with trying to break free of this addiction.
I admitted the problem almost 4 years ago and I have been on and off the wagon numerous times. I had about 120 days under my belt at one time and have been stuck in a relapse cycle ever since.  I have a son now, he's almost 3. I know I'm not the husband and father I could be when I'm continually shooting myself in the foot by placating myself with this stuff.
My problem has caused a lot of strife in my marriage. My wife and I are constantly struggling with communication. Probably, in large part, due to my irritability and my lack of empathy when I am acting out with self serving behaviors.
I  know I can do it, I can give up pmo. I know it's a choice to act out. I'm working to find ways to live clean, been failing at getting started and sticking with the daily practices which I know are help my sobriety. I suppose I keep listening to the addict that doesn't want me to quit. I keep finding justifications to do it just "one more time." Or "I'll quit once my wife cleans up her act."
I  use pmo to avoid the tedium and difficult situations that pop up in my every day life. It's affecting my productivity and my ability to concentrate. Screen addiction with my phone seems to be a problem too. Instagram, FB, etc.
I'm right beside you man, I'll do my best to keep up with you and cheer you on.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 08, 2018, 04:44:40 PM
Hey chief, thank you for the words of encouragement.

It's good that you know you want to be clean; I can relate that it's tough to actually go through it. I had something happen last week which acted like a shot to the heart (like that scene in Pulp Fiction if you know it?) and since then I've been clean of all PMO and chat room use.

I guess I'd say that I'm starting to feel the benefits already. I'm calmer, I have fewer concerns about leaving my phone around, my sex life has improved, and I'm more productive at work. But those first few days were absolutely horrible. It's actually like coming off a drug, with the low moods and the guilt and the headaches and everything.

I need to remember this when I get past 30 days. It's so easy to feel like I've earned a little break from the routine, and before I know it I've relapsed. I made it to 150 days a few years ago. I've got a few targets in my head. First is to get to Easter PMO and chat room free. I think that'll be 50-odd days.

Thank you for posting anyway. I will be praying for your strength to start this journey again!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 08, 2018, 08:19:34 PM
I am so glad you are doing well! I think a big thing to remember especially as you progress further and further down your recovery is to set new goals. Rather than focusing on how long its been since you viewed porn focus on what you want to do. Where are you going, what are you working towards as you turn away from this? Then the attitude of treating yourself for doing so well doesn't come up because you are focused on a new direction. You are working towards something bigger and there is no room for that behavior. Look forward, keep your eyes ahead, on who you are becoming! You are doing fantastic!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 09, 2018, 02:38:45 AM
Thank you for the message aquarius :)

My long term goal is to live a life of integrity. From the outside, I probably look like I have the perfect life: happy marriage, two lovely children, job, house, car. I'm tired of the disconnect between the image I portray and the darkness that lurks within.

I also want to get serious about my faith. I feel like the past few days have convinced me afresh about the realness of God: that He is interested in my life and has intervened time and time again to keep me from danger.

The day counter is handy for charting my progress, but actually the ultimate goal is something like 18,000 days! (That's assuming I live til my late 80s).

Anyway it's day 7. Yesterday was a really good day: I listened to a lot of worship music, kept fighting those negative thoughts and was quite productive with my work.

Clean is starting to feel good!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 10, 2018, 09:55:49 AM
Day 8. Just a quick note to check in and say I'm still in the game. Feeling pretty level today. Went for a walk this morning in the cold with the family; having a quiet afternoon then having pizza in front of a film later on. Bring on the spring!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 10, 2018, 05:41:58 PM
Sounds like you have some good plans and direction. If your goal is integrity I am not sure where a reward for Porn would ever fit. Glad you are turning away from that. Something I have pondered a lot as a fellow person with a relationship with Christ and as a wife who on the outside seems to have the perfect life is this... authenticity in all things and vulnerability. As Christ followers aren't we called to be transparent about who we are and our faith? I feel the conviction in my heart regarding the mere fact that on the outside everything appears even slightly different that what is happening on the inside. That would mean I have something to conceal, right? Like my inside and outside aren't in alignment, that isn't in integrity because what I am putting out into the world is different than the truth inside. Why? Usually out of fear and shame for one reason or another. Both fear and shame are not products of the holey spirit. My goal goal has been to be more transparent and the only way to do that is to be willing to be vulnerable with others. At first I was scary but then I realized, I have nothing to fear, I am redeemed! Sorry for the ramble. I guess the point is in your effort to achieve integrity don't be afraid to pursue real authentic relationships with others who can be a support to you. Be open with them, honest about who you are. Who knows maybe you might find that they don't harbor judgement but understanding. Just a thought. Keep up the good work, you are doing really well!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 11, 2018, 12:15:05 PM
Thanks aquarius, I'll reply properly tomorrow :) I have a few good friends who know me, warts and all. I'll reply properly tomorrow.

Day 10 anyway. Church was amazing this morning, then had a lovely walk with some friends and tea and cake at theirs afterwards.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 11, 2018, 06:18:41 PM
Glad you're still going, and that you're keeping positive.  Sounds like you're starting to see some benefits already. :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 12, 2018, 04:06:55 AM
Day 11

I'm starting today as I started my last day working from home: youtube on, listening to worship music and praying. I've decided that it's  right for me to give up all social media for Lent - I've never done this before but I feel led to strip away every crutch that might lead me away from pursuing my faith and battling this addiction.

I don't want to bore people who are reading this who don't have faith, but honestly, I've been so convinced of the realness of God during this past week. I feel able to surrender all my fears and doubts to Him, and it's feeling like it's working. Church was great yesterday - I could really sense the Holy Spirit's presence with us as we sang. I feel like God is doing a healing work in me that's going deeper than before.

Aquarius - thanks for the message. You're totally right: there's no room for porn in my life, as a reward or otherwise. I think I just used that as an illustration of the kind of wrong-thinking I've slipped into in the past. And yes, there are a handful of people who know everything. My pastor has been especially good to me: we've known each other for about 15 years now and he's seen my ups and downs. The thing that's the trickiest is the temptation to misrepresent my life on Facebook. I guess it's inevitable in a way - it's nice to tell people the good news, the holidays, the breakthroughs at school etc - but it's easy to end up craving validation through the approval of others.

Anyway, things have been good over the weekend. We went for a couple of walks with the girls, had some time chilling out at home, ate pizza, ate cake, enjoyed family life. Any ED problems are long gone, my sex drive is normal again and our sex life has been good.

I need to guard against unexpected temptation, not get complacent and fight a daily battle. Thanks for all your support.


Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 12, 2018, 06:13:56 PM
Glad you are already seeing the benefits, spiritual and otherwise.  Always good to keep those before our eyes for those moments of temptation!  God bless you, keep up the fight!

:)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 13, 2018, 03:47:43 AM
Eh, I got my days mixed up. So today is day 11! (And yesterday was day 10).

Working from home went okay yesterday. I put on lots of music, took a proper lunch break, stayed away from my usual replacement activities. Trying to push myself further away from things that might either waste my time or trigger a relapse. The brain is a funny thing, isn't it? It's almost like I'm going on a dopamine diet: adjusting myself to a life that's not constantly seeking the next high.

I'm chewing over some thoughts about some of the journals I've read on here. Not quite ready to share them yet, though.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: jazzy-d on February 13, 2018, 10:37:53 PM
Hi PE30, I read your story and felt it also resonated with me.  I also have a beautiful wife and daughter and want my relationship to improve with my wife and my daughter is the cutest thing on this planet as she's only 1.5 years old! 

I've struggled with PMO for a long time and I think the longest I've been without PMO is probably like 10 days.  However this time I'm quite serious about it and want to give it up for good!

I've read a substantial amount on ybop.com as well as watched a lot of inspirational youtube videos.  One thing that really stands out for me is that it is obviously no easy task doing this, but self-forgiveness and self-compassion is really important - which is something I think you've started looking into reading/judging from your posts.

All the best with your journey!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 14, 2018, 04:00:42 AM
Hey :) I'm on a day's leave today so I'll keep the journal entry brief, but thank you for your encouragement. Self forgiveness is so important. It's a skill I need to keep learning.

It's weird how we end up deceived into thinking we need more than we have. You have everything you need in your family! It's a tough time though, especially with a child that young. Stay strong!

Day 12 anyway. Better go and make breakfast.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 15, 2018, 03:08:52 AM
Another brief check in as I'm on leave today. But it's day 13.

I keep thinking: what's my plan for when temptation returns? Right now I'm as likely to put my head into a hot oven as I am to watch porn, but there'll come a time when the revulsion I feel towards my addiction fades. That's the point where I need to dig in anew, reject this addiction and accept afresh the grace of God and the strength He provides me to keep going.

I've given up social media for Lent, which is strangely liberating. Been trying to use the time to meditate and pray instead.

It's really good to have a few folk on here who are at roughly the same stage of their reboot. Let's keep each other going. The class of 2018 who beat their addictions this year!

Lord, keep me from the love of sinning.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 16, 2018, 04:22:43 AM
Day 14

A few things:

1. I felt a little voice in my head last night say "you're going to fail today, you're going to mess up". So I feel like I've had to dig in overnight, pray, commit myself to the task afresh. In previous reboots, I've found that I've had little problem getting through the first 10 days but have come unstuck further down the line.
2. Linked to the above: I heard something interesting a couple of weeks ago, which stuck with me. The Devil has none of the fruit of the Spirit. And one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. Therefore the Devil is impatient and will give up and go away if we resist him. (For those who don't believe in a god, let alone a devil - I think the point still stands. Temptation is never permanent, unless we sit there all day with a porn site URL typed into the browser and our finger over the return key. It passes)
3. I had a really, really nice day yesterday. Went for a walk with my wife and daughters in the winter sunshine, had lunch at a nice pub, had some friends over to watch a film in the evening. The sun has been shining over the past few days and looks set to continue! Giving up Facebook and social media has helped me to be more mindful, to think and pray and contemplate. To wrestle with my thoughts and be victorious over them where necessary.

Working from home today. Got some uplifting music on and am trying to renew my mind over and over again. Push this addiction into the past. Keep praying for me, those who pray, and keep sharing your wisdom with me.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 17, 2018, 03:03:19 AM
Day 15

So I didn't fail yesterday! I got a little bored working from home but I read a couple of news articles, listened to some music (regular and Christian) and took breaks every so often . I'd actually forgotten about the voice in my head until I reread my journal this morning!

Went out for dinner last night with my wife, was lovely.

Had a couple of fairly racy dreams last night. I guess my subconscious is probably still looking for ways of satisfying itself. I'm digging in, though.

It's felt like a long fortnight. For me, this reboot has not just been about renouncing those things that sought to destroy me and my relationship, it's also been about trying to rediscover who I actually am. It's been hard work doing this without various crutches and replacement activities but I feel like it's enabling a deeper work of healing.

There are things like Facebook that I've put a pause on, in order to give myself breathing space. It's not bad per se but it is really tempting to present a skewed picture of myself on there. I've got til Easter to make up my mind as to whether it stays in my life.

Anyway, all is good today!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 18, 2018, 08:37:18 AM
Day 16

Just a quick note to say that I'm still going and still clean. Had an awful dream last night that I'd been unfaithful again, and woke up in a panic.

"The thief seeks to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come to bring life, and life in abundance" (John 10:10)

Have a great day everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 18, 2018, 08:27:02 PM
Ugggh hate those dreams!  Always nice when you wake up from them though.  Our subconsciouses are annoying some times eh?  Sometimes I think if my subconscious had a butt I would kick it.  Great that you're still going strong though; so many more great benefits to look forward to as you reboot. :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 19, 2018, 02:50:38 AM
Day 17

Morning all. Had a really good weekend: lots of time with the family; great church service on Sunday; plenty of rest. This week I'm back in the office which means I'm back on the train this morning.

I'm slightly worried that something is going to go wrong. I've been feeling so happy and relaxed over the past few days that I'm thinking in the back of my head: when is the bubble going to burst?! And then it occurred to me that maybe a life spent worrying every single day is a life wasted, and that it wasn't the worst thing in the world just to experience a bit of contentment in the moment.

But anyway, clean feels so good. Sex is so much better at the moment and I don't have to hide anything from my wife or compromise on my sleep or work ethic. I'm so glad not to be stuck in that rut anymore.

And maybe, just maybe, I've got enough in me this time to break free of the shackles of addiction for good. That's my prayer.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 19, 2018, 04:00:58 PM
I have been thinking on this shame thing quite a bit. As a partner I carry shame too. I went through a long period where I felt so much shame for so many things. I even had friends telling me that it's my fault. I carried so much insecurity, like I am not good enough and that is why my husband views porn and so forth. Those are all lies that keep us off our focused and keep us from being on purpose. If you are a Christ believer than you believe at your core that you are designed to serve Christ, to honer him, to love him, and most importantly to share his heart with others preferably through actions. Words are only meant to reinforce what my actions are saying. This is my personal belief anyway so feel free to disregard if you like, lol. When you carry shame, insecurities, self loathing, and unforgiveness for yourself and others (this was and is a big part for me) you prevent yourself from walking fully in the way you are created to walk. This prevents you from really being fully usable for God. Yes we are all broken, but we need to starts walking in the healing that comes with accepting him in our life. We need to start really walking with the heart that we are forgiven and made anew. He has crafted us perfectly, live that. Live that with your actions and attitudes for others. I have been practicing anytime I feel myself have thoughts (because it starts with thoughts) that aren't in alignment with this wholeness approach, I stop, repent and claim my restoration and healing. I declare that I am forgiven, repaired and perfectly made. For me I feel this is so important because my kids are watching, and I don't want them to carry these attitudes of brokenness. They hurt so much and my heart for them is that they feel loved and alive. 

I am so glad that  you are doing well! Keep it up, you can absoutly do this!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 19, 2018, 08:55:44 PM
And maybe, just maybe, I've got enough in me this time to break free of the shackles of addiction for good. That's my prayer.

Of course you do!  And it's much easier when you really start feeling the benefits; much more to hold onto in times of temptation.  When that little voice whispers in your ear, you'll have much more to answer it with.  Glad you've been going well too! :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 20, 2018, 03:07:08 AM
Day 18

Thanks broccolini and aquarius for your words! Aquarius - you're totally right - I have no need to feel shame in Jesus. He has taken away my shame. I feel like it's a daily choice at present to *reject* that shame, to declare that it has no part in my life. (As an aside, have you heard of a book called Unashamed by Christine Caine? My wife and some other women from our church have run a course using this material, and people found it really helpful). You are doing a fantastic job, by the way.

And I keep making the right choice, the choice of integrity, the choice that keeps me close to God and close to my wife and family.

It's a daily choice. So, today:
- I choose to accept myself as I am, loved and honoured and forgiven;
- I choose to reject thoughts of worthlessness, guilt and shame;
- I choose to reject porn of all kinds;
- I choose to accept God's perfect will for my life as His child;
- I choose to life in the goodness of who I am, to enjoy life and be full of joy.

Bring it on!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 20, 2018, 08:40:33 PM
Hooray!  Much better than the old choices we made, eh?

-I choose to escape real life and live in a fantasy world?
-I choose to use my god-given sexual energy and reproductive faculties for purposeless self-indulgence?
-I choose to isolate myself from my fellow-man and indulge in feelings of worthlessness and shame ?

No thanks!! XD  Not much of a choice to be made here, eh?
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 21, 2018, 07:18:55 AM
Day 19

Weird start to the day: had another very intense and scary dream, this time with some kind of crab or beetle that kept pouring out of me and onto the bed. Must have woke my wife up in the process.

I felt really peaceful when I woke up, but then I was on the school run and my daughters were being really difficult so I felt pretty lousy by the time I got on the train.

I feel like things have settled down again now - feel a bit drained but otherwise well.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 22, 2018, 04:17:45 AM
Day 20

My dreams are all over the place at the moment. Once again, dreamt that I'd kissed someone who wasn't my wife. Feeling a bit down right now, but hopefully my day will improve.

I don't feel tempted though. I feel like I've been thrown a lifeline of sobriety, and it's good. I want both feet on solid ground, not wavering, steadfast and stable. Am going to pray for a bit and hopefully that will help my mood improve.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 22, 2018, 08:51:31 PM
Will pray for you too.  I'm already noticing that even though I had a tough day, I'm already starting to feel better (which would never happen in the past).  So I'm sure your lousy period will get better soon.  The longer we stay clean, the more resilient we'll become without resorting to the highs and lows of addiction.  Just remember that! :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 23, 2018, 03:16:03 AM
Day 21

I've made it to three weeks :) I had a much less disturbed night's sleep, no bad dreams and woke up feeling a bit more together.

It's been quite a useful process to give up Facebook and other social media as part of this reboot. It's helped concentrate my mind on the important things in my life: God, my marriage, my family, my job. I spend far too much of my time indulging my need to be validated, and I know that this isn't healthy! I don't need to prove myself; I am loved as I am.

I keep thinking about my reboot in terms of rocket launching. At some stage I hope to be free from the gravitational pull of addiction, but I know that in the meantime it continues to take effort to flee from the things that have chained me. I continue to fight.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 24, 2018, 09:48:02 AM
Big congratulations on 3 weeks! It's amazing how long that can seem to an addict in recovery isn't it? Cheers! Keep going man, day by day. I'm standing shoulder to shoulder with you.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 24, 2018, 10:09:09 AM
Day 22

Thanks for the encouragement chiefmitch - you're right, it's felt like a long three weeks! But it's a crucial time- three weeks, 40 days, 60 days. They're all milestones.

I'm continuing to have weird dreams but they seem to be less effective at making me feel bad about myself. I'm starting to brush them off, which means I feel better about myself.

It's 3pm UK time and I've been out for the day with my family. It's been a good day and I'm hoping for a good rest of the weekend. Staying focused and strong.

Let's keep it going, everyone!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 25, 2018, 02:32:39 PM
Day 23

Another quick check in as it's evening here and I've been busy all day. Church was good again and I had a nice day with the family. Had a bit of an argument with my wife but we've apologised to each other and all is fine now. I don't expect to lead a perfect life but I know that I can live one free of porn and chat rooms. I'm continuing to seek God daily. I'm so glad for the chance to live in grace that I don't deserve.

It's really encouraging to read other journals on here especially as there are quite a few of us who are at around the three week mark. Let's stay strong together!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 26, 2018, 07:14:42 AM
Day 24

No massive change. Had a really nice evening with my wife - talked lots, watched some TV together, listened to some music. Was feeling really grateful / thankful when I went to sleep.

Had yet another bad dream last night - this was to do with my daughters rather than with my addiction. I'm growing sick and tired of these bad dreams. I was awake for maybe half an hour afterwards before I drifted off again. Is this a common thing amongst people who are in recovery? I guess my brain has a lot of catching up to do.

This Friday will mark one month clean. Okay, February is a short month so it's an easy win, but I'm happy about it. I know that I've relapsed a few times but since June I've been clean for maybe 6 out of the 9 months. I'm beginning to feel quietly confident that I can beat this for good and live a life full of integrity.

Speaking of which, I've been feeling challenged about other aspects of my character. The language I use, for example - I swear too often, regularly at myself. I need to be speaking about myself more positively!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on February 26, 2018, 06:21:34 PM
Woooohooo.  You can do it!  Nearly 4 weeks - GREAT job!

I personally haven't experienced any bad dreams (I hardly remember my dreams at all), but I have heard of that happening.  People usually say their dreams are more vivid - maybe your subconscious is confronting and dealing with things that it has put aside while it has been occupied with porn?  I'm sure they will pass as your recovery progresses.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 27, 2018, 05:26:22 AM
Day 25

Brief one today as I've got lots to do at work and a busy evening ahead. Dreams were a little more normal last night and I feel pretty calm today. It's freezing cold in the UK though!

Just going to say briefly how grateful I am for the layers of support I've got around me: my wife, a small handful of good friends who know my struggle, my counsellor (who I'm not seeing at the moment but is available), and this place. We're stronger together.

Hope you're all doing well. stay strong.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 28, 2018, 03:13:15 AM
Day 26

A good day yesterday: productive at work and had a good evening even though I had to attend a meeting I didn't want to attend. This morning it's snowing! My wife and children are off for the day but sadly the trains are running alright and so it's easy enough to get to work.

I know the temptation will return one day but I'm grateful that porn and chat rooms hold no allure for me right now.

Trying to keep my life as simple as I can. Love God, be a good husband and dad, work hard, be a good friend to people. Simple living seems to work well.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 01, 2018, 03:51:39 AM
Day 27

Another clean day yesterday. I'm trying to keep things as far away from danger as possible. For instance: there was a story on a news website and one of the subjects of the story was quite attractive, and I was tempted to Google her for more images. But I didn't - I don't want to be anywhere near any of that.

I mean, we're never going to get away from that first level of temptation - the attractive woman on the train, the advert, the sidebar of an otherwise innocuous website. But it *is* possible to make a choice at that point. Do I linger my gaze? Do I click through on the sidebar? Do I justify myself that it's not really porn, it's not this, it's not that? I feel like I'm making good choices at the moment. But frankly, I'm not really interested in that. I'm beginning to realise the deceptiveness of my own brain, I'm beginning to realise that it's possible to make *good* choices, not just ones that substitute one dopamine thrill for another.

I'm also really happy not to be on Facebook. I will probably go back on after Easter but the break is doing me good. It's keeping me focused on my own life and the things immediately around me, rather than continually comparing myself to others or seeking validation. It feels really good.

I am working from home today - I'd be lying if I said that I felt *no* temptation - but I feel that the temptation is manageable, I have coping strategies, I have strength. Tomorrow will mark one calendar month clean. I'm looking to keep the momentum going. I keep thinking of what it takes to send a rocket into space. Incredible power and energy compared with the pull of gravity. This is what addiction is like. But there is a point where gravity no longer has a pull. And I'm beginning to believe that there will be a point where porn and chat rooms and all kinds of addictions will have no pull on my life.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 01, 2018, 10:08:21 AM
Awesome job! You have a great attitude and perspective! It sounds like you are shifting from objectification to really seeing people. Porn objectifies everything. People, men and women, are just there for gratification. That thinking is infectious and will seep into so many areas of your life unknowingly. The women online or the cute girl walking down the street. Yes the first glance you can't help, but to continue looking is kind of like your brain treating her like a nice object here for you to enjoy instead of seeing her as a person. The awareness of this shift is really difficult to be aware of in the moment, it happens so fast. Also to shift. I know my husband would do a lot of afterwards thinking, like I should have done this, or I wish I had done that, ect. You sound like you are really becoming aware of this shift and it is a really big deal. You should be proud of that! That is big. Remember when you start to feel that pull, rather than focusing on looks think about the person. Think about your people. She may be someone's wife, sister, mother. Then think about your wife, kids, family. My husband said he is trying to shift his focus to have his thoughts be something he would be ok sharing with people. Example: he wants what he thinks to be acceptable for the person he is thinking them about to know. If it's something He wouldn't be comfortable telling them, maybe it's not appropriate to be thinking in the first place. That really is the best way to battle objectification.

Great job!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 02, 2018, 07:15:05 AM
Thanks for that, aquarius. You know that old cliché / meme "dance like there's no-one watching, sing like there's nobody listening..."? I think us addicts could do with an alternative one. "Browse your internet like your wife is stood behind you... walk down the street like everyone can see what you're fixing your eyes upon"... It'd serve as a useful reminder.

So anyway

DAY 28

The first big milestone - one calendar month porn and chat-room free! Some positives:

- I feel a lot better about myself. I still have a long way to go to truly love myself and be kind to myself but I am getting there.
- I am sleeping better. I had reasonable dreams last night - still more vivid than when relapsed, but nothing scary. I am getting a good 7-8 hours' sleep per night, which is optimum for me.
- I am working harder, am definitely more productive at work. I feel like I'm a better colleague too, more fun to be around, more present.
- I'm really enjoying time with my wife and daughters. Life is good with them.
- I've been working on feelings of regret; I'm trying not to feel hopeless but instead I'm trying to be thankful for God's grace on my life: that I haven't got what I deserve, that I have a home, a job, a family, when I could easily have lost everything.
- My relationship with God has really blossomed and I feel closer to Him than I have felt in years. I am as a result a lot more comfortable in church, and feel happier round my brothers and sisters there.
- I've quit Facebook and have also quit a music forum that I used to contribute to on a regular basis. I've been acutely aware how they've both been feeding my addiction to dopamine, my addiction to the same thrill of acceptance and validation that chat rooms gave me.

Next goals:
30 days (should be easy enough)
60 days (end of April, I think I can get there)

and then I'll keep going and keep going until the pull of addiction is no longer strong.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 03, 2018, 09:18:53 AM
Day 29

Short one today as it's the weekend. Just checking in to say I'm still in the game.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 04, 2018, 10:37:20 AM
Day 30

Yay, made it to 30 days! Can honestly say that there have been no slip ups or be misses, which I'm really pleased about.

What's working well? Two things, really. One is that I'm finding it really helpful to avoid my usual replacement behaviours like Facebook and online forums. It does mean that from time to time I find myself feeling bored at home or at work, but I don't think that's the worst feeling in the world ever. I remember a time before porn, a time before chat rooms when I would be bored at home and would always find a practical way to occupy myself. Those years were really productive! So it's good to be operating on a lower level of dopamine and to find pleasure in simple things such as a nice walk or a chat with a friend.

The second thing that's working well is that my relationship with God has blossomed over the last month. I think it's a two way thing: I'm seeking God more as I'm desperate for Him to be real in my life, and I'm more open to Him as there's less blocking me from His presence.

I submit myself again and say that I am powerless against addiction without him, lost without him. I am so glad for His strength in my life.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 05, 2018, 03:42:46 AM
Day 31

Back at work today. The snow has passed and it's beginning to look a bit like Spring might be on its way. We went for a walk round the park yesterday afternoon, just to get some fresh air. It felt good. Then in the evening I chatted with my wife, we read some books and I fell asleep listening to music.

One of the side-effects of this reboot seems to be that I'm sleepier than normal. Is this because I'd previously been on high alert the whole time, waiting for a message back or an opportunity to sneak online? I'm not sure. I think it's partly because it's winter (or at least, early spring) and my body is still in hibernation mode.

Interestingly, my wife is out tonight and I don't feel fearful about slipping. I am still alert against temptation. But in previous reboots I've been scared in the run-up to time alone. I'm feeling strong without feeling over-confident.

I continue to renounce porn and all forms of sexual sin.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 06, 2018, 03:53:40 AM
Day 32

Things are okay here. Drove to work this morning and was aware of how angry and stressed I get when behind the wheel - bad language and generally feeling a bit crabby. It's funny how, by examining one area of my life and bringing it to the surface, other character flaws are coming to my attention too. "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" - I'm trying to let God examine my heart and bring things up that need restoring.

My wife was out for the evening last night - I did a couple of jobs and then played some guitar. Was quite a nice evening actually. And I didn't feel particularly tempted to relapse! This is definite progress. I've had previous reboots where I've felt like I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

Let's keep going :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 06, 2018, 12:23:43 PM
Great job really thinking about how you are feeling and being aware of your attitude! You are doing really great!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 07, 2018, 05:29:38 AM
Day 33

Felt a bit low last night. There are quite a few small but annoying things going on in my life at the moment: bits to do with church, bits to do with our house, bits to do with my family... various things. Also I think I do struggle around this time of year emotionally. It's coming up to the 20th anniversary of when my mum died and I think it affects me on a subconscious level every March / early April.

It's also to do with the way that winter seems to bleed into March. I think I *expect* March to be full of new life, warmth, light etc... but in reality it's still cold and damp. I'm sure this would make a good metaphor for something or another.

Anyway, on the plus side, I still feel a long way away from wanting to look at porn or go on a chatroom. It's what I'm aiming for: keeping these things a long way away and taking captive ever thought that tempts me back to my old ways.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 08, 2018, 08:20:55 AM
Day 34

I'm feeling a bit better today. I'm pleased with myself, in that I haven't used my low mood as an excuse to act out, or even to go after subs / things that I know are bad for me. A full Facebook fast is good for me; also I'm keeping myself from clicking through on news stories where I know that the pics are going to be triggering. I mean, it's a minefield, and it's impossible not to accidentally stumble across someone in swimwear, or whatever, but I'm walking away in such instances, and I'm not clicking through when I know that my motives are ultimately lustful.

I've had a few other small things bothering me over the past few days but I'm trying to get them in their right perspective. Also, I have had quite a productive morning of work, which means that I feel a bit better about myself.

Most importantly, I'm trying to stay close to God. Honestly - I don't want to be preachy, but the more I dwell upon it, the more I'm totally convinced that God is real and has a loving interest in my life. If anyone on here wants to talk to me about that kind of thing then I'm more than happy to share.

Onwards and upwards!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 09, 2018, 04:47:33 AM
Day 35

Five weeks clean!

Had a busy day yesterday working from home, which included having to do a couple of things at my daughter's school. I'm really pleased because I was struggling with WFHing for quite a while - it was a real area of weakness. But I was able to get through the day, far from danger.

Looking forward to the weekend. Got friends coming over for dinner on Saturday so am going to cook something nice for them. Church on Sunday should be good.

Clean feels good, everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 09, 2018, 08:35:46 AM
Congrats! Big milestone!!! You should be proud! Be sure to communicate your successes with our wife so you can share in the celebration together! It's so important to communicate the good!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on March 09, 2018, 10:37:13 PM
Well done!!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 10, 2018, 10:59:50 AM
Day 36

Just a quick one today as it's the weekend. My wife and the girls are out for the afternoon and I've just been preparing food for our friends who are coming over later. I've peeled a bag and a half of shallots and now my eyes are watering!

Another example of the change I've undergone: my pre-reboot self would be scrabbling around looking for someone to talk to on a chat room, wondering whether I could get away with it before my family got back. Now the idea just seems like something I used to do, rather than something I want to do in the future.

I had a dream last night that I relapsed, though. Always so nice to wake up and remember I'm still clean.

Wednesday will be day 40!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: El Goodo on March 10, 2018, 09:00:55 PM
Hey, late to the party but I related with a lot of what you said in your Day 34 post. And I'm down to talk the god stuff.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 11, 2018, 01:02:39 PM
Day 37

Not much to report today. It's Mother's Day in the UK so I went out for lunch with my wife and daughters. Then we spent the afternoon making costumes for World Book Day, which is happening in their school a couple of weeks late.

Have had a couple of very deep sleeps over the past couple of nights so that's an improvement. However, I'm still very physically tired at the moment!

El Goodo- thanks for the message, I'll reply properly tomorrow.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 12, 2018, 06:10:58 AM
Day 38

The start of another full week!

Had a good night last night. I had a meeting last night that I was dreading slightly but it was really encouraging. Plus I've managed to get a few things resolved (if I look back to the list of slight worries at day 33, I've managed to deal with the majority of these). I slept beautifully last night and felt really good this morning.

Ironically, I find myself at some risk to relapse during periods of time where I feel very relaxed and almost elated about my circumstances. I'm aware of the danger that I pose to myself: to think "ah look, it's 38 days in, you're doing really well, you can let this slip a little bit can't you? Just with *this* or *that*..." and actually that's nonsense: I need to be as resilient during a high period than I do during a low.

In terms of the God stuff: I think I've just been increasingly aware that God is actually real, that He wants me to know him and that I can be satisfied in Him. I've been spending a lot of time praying, reading the Bible and reading helpful articles online. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that His design for my life (and for my body, and for my libido) is the right one. So much in society is set up to make a monogamous, faithful relationship (especially one where sex is saved for marriage) seem like an unnecessary straitjacket, but I can't help but feel like it was a design put in place for our protection and safety.

I mean, I'm not trying to force this opinion on others or anything, and I think there's a huge spectrum of sexuality out there, but I'd say this: it's so easy to make sex our god. I know I've been making it my god for too many years, and that it nearly destroyed me. In recovery, I'm still sexually active but within the safety of a loving relationship with my wife. It's a part of who I am, but it's in its right place.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 13, 2018, 04:07:08 AM
Day 39

Not an awful lot to report today. Things are pretty busy at home, which led to a bit of tension between my wife and I last night. We managed to talk it through before bed, which is good, though.

Life's definitely different during this reboot. It's tough at times but it feels like I'm taking the path that's going to benefit me most in the long run.

 
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 13, 2018, 08:37:46 AM
Glad things are good. Keep up the great progress!

One thing I have been noticing from a lot of the journals on here. A lot of men in relationships seem to feel that disagreements are bad. I find this so funny. We are all made differently and it would be crazy to think that you and your wife will agree on everything. Not agreeing on everything is ok. What I have found happens is when we bottle those discussions and avoid them, then a blow up happens. Both men and women do this (myself included, lol). I have been working towards just bringing up these differences in a conversational manner right when they occur. I have found it makes is a lot easier to work out as there isn't any build up. It ends up being quite enjoyable. I get to hear my husband voice his thoughts and we end up having good conversation that brings us closer. My point is that disagreements are not bad, they are opportunities of bonding on differences. But if we allow them to bottle, they become points of division if we let them. Just a perspective shift, that's all.

Glad you are doing so well!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 13, 2018, 09:01:03 AM
Thanks aquarius. I definitely agree that disagreements are part and parcel of being in a relationship. Anyone who says that they and their partner never argue is either a liar or in a very unhealthy relationship!

I think I mention them on here because it's been a trigger in the past - I've definitely been guilty in the past of acting out after an argument. Not in revenge, but more as a means of stress release. Also we've been really busy and tired recently.

But as a whole, things are going well! Tomorrow is day 40 :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 14, 2018, 04:12:15 AM
Day 40 :)

I'm happy to make it this far, but I know I've been guilty of letting my guard down after this point. Can't afford to slack off now. Day 60 is my next big goal. That's three weeks away. I can do this.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 14, 2018, 10:37:41 AM
I came here to post a similar "back on the wagon" post so your entire thread really resonated with me. Seeing your progress is very encouraging to me. I have been on and off the wagon many times over the last year and this is my most recent 'on the wagon' period and I'm hoping it sticks.

I am not counting days this time around because I don't feel that helped me. I generally know the last time I looked at porn and masturbated, so I can look back eventually and see how long it has been. But I am just taking it a day at a time and really trying to just avoid that all together.

Other than the physical symptoms there have been, I have really been struggling with my general perception of sex and relationships and it is really messing with me. It is almost like I'm expecting my wife to be one of these porn actresses that just wants to have sex at the drop of a hat and can't keep her hands off of my pants. My mind then goes further down the rabbit hole picturing her with men she's been with in the past, imagining that she used to be like that with them but I am different. That maybe I'm not good at sex. Maybe it's boring. Even though when we do have sex I can tell she is into it, she has multiple orgasms, and she tells me unprovoked how much she loves sex with me. All of that, and I still have this insecurity eating away at me that I really feel is due to porn. I picture good sex being 'porn sex' which just isn't the case.

Couple this with the fact that my wife has gained some weight and has not wanted to have sex as much lately due to her body image issues. But of course I internalize this, making it about me. This puts even more pressure on me to perform when she IS in the mood, and to make it good. And to make it PORN good, which is just stupid.

I think that one good thing that has happened is that I can't even watch porn anymore because I just picture my wife with other men when I'm watching porn and it just makes me feel sick. That is obviously not normal...but I'm hoping that as I distance myself from porn and those perceptions, things with her will improve and I'll stop obsessing over her past sexual relationships and feeling inferior.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 14, 2018, 11:25:11 AM
Hey, thank you for your encouragement. Glad to hear you're "on the wagon" and long may it continue!

This quote really interested me:

Even though when we do have sex I can tell she is into it, she has multiple orgasms, and she tells me unprovoked how much she loves sex with me. All of that, and I still have this insecurity eating away at me that I really feel is due to porn.

I think that porn has so much to answer for in this respect. I'll be quite honest: my sex life bears absolutely no relation to porn! And it's really easy to think that, because it's not like porn, it can't be any good. (A bit like how people can think that, because they don't look like a model in a fashion magazine, they're not beautiful). It sounds like you have great sex with your wife, and the more you abstain from porn, the more your sex life will begin to feel normal (but in a good way not a boring way).

Besides, good sex is just one part of being a good husband. Openness, kindness, care and good humour are probably more important.

Keep going!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 14, 2018, 11:41:27 AM
Hey, thank you for your encouragement. Glad to hear you're "on the wagon" and long may it continue!

This quote really interested me:

Even though when we do have sex I can tell she is into it, she has multiple orgasms, and she tells me unprovoked how much she loves sex with me. All of that, and I still have this insecurity eating away at me that I really feel is due to porn.

I think that porn has so much to answer for in this respect. I'll be quite honest: my sex life bears absolutely no relation to porn! And it's really easy to think that, because it's not like porn, it can't be any good. (A bit like how people can think that, because they don't look like a model in a fashion magazine, they're not beautiful). It sounds like you have great sex with your wife, and the more you abstain from porn, the more your sex life will begin to feel normal (but in a good way not a boring way).

Besides, good sex is just one part of being a good husband. Openness, kindness, care and good humour are probably more important.

Keep going!

I agree 100% about the 'well rounded' husband thing. My wife and I are so, so connected on so many levels. I am more in love with her than I have ever been with anyone, and we are best friends along with everything else. No one makes me laugh like she does, and it's the same on her end. Sex is just a piece of a successful relationship/marriage and I just need to figure out how to get this image of 'good sex' out of my mind, but I do think the more distance I have from porn, the less I will have those scenarios in my head.

I feel like I need to talk to her about this, and I have not. She has asked me a few times if something is wrong and I just say no. But she is working through her own issues right now as far as the body stuff, which I am trying to be supportive of and I don't want her to feel even worse for not feeling 'sexy' or seeming to not want to have sex. When she doesn't feel sexy I show her affection in other ways, tell her she looks pretty, sexy, etc. I just don't want this to affect my sexual performance, because I'm thinking about 'measuring up', and then she will take it personally and think I am not attracted to her. So it is a very tough line I ride right now.

On my end, the more regular sex we are having, the easier it is for me to let go of these hangups about not measuring up to prior partners. I am hoping I can just tough this out until she feels better about herself and feels sexy again so the frequency can increase.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 15, 2018, 04:36:02 AM
If I'm honest, Jason, I think you should tell your wife what's been going on. As to *how* to tell her - well, I'm not sure if I can offer advice on that. With me, I ended up telling her at 4am on a Saturday morning in a massive tearful wreck, trembling with fear because I thought that my marriage was going to be over at that point. And telling her was the hardest thing I've had to do in my marriage. Nevertheless, I know that I'm stronger in my fight, knowing that (a) she knows and (b) she's fighting with me.

(Do you have your own journal, by the way? Just might be useful in order that other people can encourage you in your reboot!)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 15, 2018, 04:39:27 AM
DAY 41

Another busy day ahead. It really helps that work is busy at the moment, as this helps keep me from sinning. Remember that when David was unfaithful with Bathsheba, it started off because he was lazing around at home when he should have been out at battle. Maybe that's one of our chief weapons. Not busyness for the sake of being busy, but true productiveness - expending our energies in ways that are going to bless others.

I have been having some very vivid erotic dreams over the past couple of nights. As nice as they are, I'd rather they stopped! I haven't been feeling tempted to act out as a result of them, but I have been waking up relieved that I've not relapsed. I've not O'd in my sleep - that's never really been a thing for me.

Have a good day everyone!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 15, 2018, 08:51:01 AM
If I'm honest, Jason, I think you should tell your wife what's been going on. As to *how* to tell her - well, I'm not sure if I can offer advice on that. With me, I ended up telling her at 4am on a Saturday morning in a massive tearful wreck, trembling with fear because I thought that my marriage was going to be over at that point. And telling her was the hardest thing I've had to do in my marriage. Nevertheless, I know that I'm stronger in my fight, knowing that (a) she knows and (b) she's fighting with me.

(Do you have your own journal, by the way? Just might be useful in order that other people can encourage you in your reboot!)

I have considered it, but the how is really what's stopped me. I know if I leveled with her, she'd be understanding and supportive. We went through a period where she just thought I wasn't attracted to her, and I sometimes feel like I'm still fighting that uphill battle.

I think I will start my own, even if I don't post every day, just to keep myself accountable and let others chime in on my progress.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 16, 2018, 04:00:54 AM
Day 42

Six weeks in :)

In the great scheme of things, that's not that much time, but it's 42 more days than if I'd sat around still making the same mistakes. Feeling a bit headachey today for some reason but hopefully it'll pass.

Things are generally good at the moment - I've had a busy week but it's been pretty successful.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 16, 2018, 09:36:51 AM
I'm not keeping close track, but I think I'm around day 7 and my libido is non-existent. Also keeping busy at work, which definitely helps. One day at a time.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 16, 2018, 10:55:24 AM
6 weeks is awesome! Good job! Keep it up!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 16, 2018, 03:55:00 PM
Going back to my point a few days ago: it's impossible to avoid triggers. Just watching a film about the 2007 housing crisis and there have been two scenes in a strip club so far... I'm not counting this as a relapse by any stretch (I didn't go looking for scenes of nudity, and in fact I kind of looked away for most of it! And I haven't touched or anything)- just saying it can be a minefield.

Still in the game, folks.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 16, 2018, 04:21:07 PM
Going back to my point a few days ago: it's impossible to avoid triggers. Just watching a film about the 2007 housing crisis and there have been two scenes in a strip club so far... I'm not counting this as a relapse by any stretch (I didn't go looking for scenes of nudity, and in fact I kind of looked away for most of it! And I haven't touched or anything)- just saying it can be a minefield.

Still in the game, folks.

Yeah...almost seems like some kind of a Brave New World type of agenda/programming going on these days. Even some female characters in kids' shows and movies are built in ways to illicit a response from grown men.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 16, 2018, 04:56:06 PM
I guess this is probably a sign of the progress I'm making: pre-reboot I'd have watched it and felt no qualms. As it is, it's made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I hope you're all okay with me keeping my counter as it is. My  main rationale is that I didn't seek it out: it just appeared in the film. Nor did I linger on that scene or act out as a result of seeing it. I thought I'd just be honest with you all!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 17, 2018, 09:01:51 AM
Day 43

Just a quick one as it's the weekend. Pleased to report that I finished the film and went to bed without too much urge to relapse: I listened to some music and then switched the lights out. My wife got home a few minutes afterwards which was nice- I always find it harder to sleep in the bed without her.

It's very cold here today!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 18, 2018, 11:43:15 AM
Day 44

Just a marker for the day really. Church was so good this morning, we prayed together for much of it and people really got into the worship. Went on a freezing cold walk this afternoon too! Quiet evening tonight, I think.

No real challenges or temptations today but aware of the need to stay alert.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 19, 2018, 03:50:05 AM
Day 45

Morning all. It's the start of a new week - I feel pretty well-rested from the weekend even though it was quite busy. Hopefully the spring is going to start showing its face in the UK.

I continue to feel incredibly grateful for the new chance I've got. I know that I could easily be divorced and living in some grim house-share with a load of other divorced dads. I'm so glad of the chance to rebuild my life. I came so close to losing it all. And to put it in perspective: my wife came so close to losing me. Before I started this fight, she was desperate to keep me but was petrified of losing me. She was desperate for an excuse to start the process of forgiveness but she didn't know what she needed to forgive.

Guys (and especially husbands): keep going. Stay strong. 
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 20, 2018, 05:11:37 AM
Day 46

Not a huge amount to report today. Life continues to be quite busy and will continue to be this way for a good week or so! However, it's all good stuff. Just really checking in to say that I'm still in the game.



Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 21, 2018, 11:18:00 AM
Day 47

I felt the slightest pang of temptation this morning. I think it's good to treat temptation like a fire: put it out quickly before it burns the house down. "Take every thought captive" as it says in the Bible. I just know that no good comes from dwelling on stuff, skirting round the edges, trying to treat my addiction like a pet and not like a monster that needs continually killing.

Still on the wagon :)

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 21, 2018, 12:32:43 PM
I'm about to hit the 2 week tomorrow and it's actually scaring me how little temptation I've had thus far. Like when it hits, it's going to be BAD. One day at a time though, and focusing on what's really important. Family, marriage and my REAL sex life, and work/hobbies. All have been great at keeping my mind out of the gutter.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 21, 2018, 02:06:03 PM
I'm trying to see it like this:

1) I don't *have* to relapse. It's not inevitable. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That includes resisting the allure of porn and chat rooms.
2) killing this stuff off at the root seems to work. Just realise it's there as a temptation, acknowledge it and mentally throw it in the bin.
3) I only need to stay clean one day at a time. I've managed 40-odd because I've taken it one day at a time. That's why I've been updating my journal daily, as it acts as a reminder of the slow gradual process it is.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 21, 2018, 02:34:19 PM
I agree 100% with the day by day approach. That is how I'm looking at it too.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 22, 2018, 03:48:02 AM
Yep. The day-counter ticks along but I try not to get too excited about the progress I've made or too daunted by the work I have yet to do.

DAY 48

Not a huge amount to report. Had our church small group meeting last night, which was good. Studied the word and prayed and worshipped.

It does sometimes feel weird that the majority of people don't know about my addiction. There are maybe half a dozen people who know, plus my wife. What would they think if they knew? I think maybe there's a balance between trying to do this in secret, and having the whole world know my addiction. I'm happy with the compromise at the moment. Maybe there'll be a time to open up in the future, so that I might be of help to others in this situation. But I have to think of my wife and my children, and their needs / wishes.

Anyway, one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 23, 2018, 06:06:19 AM
Day 49

Seven weeks clean :)

Things are okay here. I'm just taking a moment to appreciate how much better life is without porn and chatrooms. I am more productive at work. I am less stressed and edgy. I am less concerned about pleasing others. I have formed better relationships with the people around me and am a better colleague and friend. I am a better husband and father. I have no concerns about my sexual performance. I still live in huge regret of all the wasted years, but I am confident that God can work in restoration. He is a bigger God than I could ever ask or imagine.

I'm realising how important it is not to dwell on the past. On the way home yesterday I remembered one of the people I used to chat regularly to. I needed to put that thought to death straight away, not to swell on it, not to 'miss' the past but to acknowledge that I'm so much better off on the wagon. (And actually, so is everyone else).

I'm going out for a meal this evening with my wife, which will be lovely. And then this weekend is looking pretty fun.

Stay strong!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 23, 2018, 10:48:09 AM
So great to hear the transformation in your heart and mind! You are doing such an amazing thing not just for yourself but your everyone around you too!
Many blessings!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 24, 2018, 10:53:46 AM
Day 50

Half-century, to borrow a cricketing term. (You're mostly American on here aren't you? So it might be lost on you, haha)

Nothing much to add. Had a really lovely meal with my wife last night and have been doing bits and pieces today.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 25, 2018, 01:56:36 PM
Day 51

Just a quick one as it's the weekend. It's been a good weekend and a lovely spring day. My wife is out tonight and I had to steel myself slightly as I'd not really mentally prepared for a night off. But I'm doing it now and have been able to steer clear of trouble.

I'm keeping going :) one more day done.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: iwanttobeagoodman on March 25, 2018, 07:10:32 PM
Hey man, good to see your progress.

I also had good recovery periods in the past and fell off the wagon again. This is encouraging that you have been able to turn things around after falling off again.

Its sooo difficult, but you are doing great. Keep it up and well done, you are very inspiring to the rest of us!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 26, 2018, 03:02:27 AM
Hey - thanks for the encouragement. I won't lie - it's not easy. But there are ways of making it less hard for myself! My top two tips:

1. Keep as far away from temptation as you can. For me, giving up Facebook and other social media has been really helpful. I feel like Facebook feeds into the same craving for validation that I have satisfied through porn and chat rooms in the past.
2. Pursue something better. I've been a Christian since I was 16 but I had let things slide and was sleepwalking my way through life. I've been pursuing my faith strongly over the past few weeks and it's really helped. I feel like I've been trying to get by on my own strength when actually I am powerless against my addiction without Christ. Resources: lots of book recommendations, the Desiring God website, and my local church. (I don't want to be preachy and I know that loads of people on here have had bad experiences with church in the past; just testifying that it seems to be a good source of strength).

Anyway, it's DAY 52

Nothing huge to report this morning. Feeling a bit sleepy as the clocks went forward on Saturday night. Another cup of tea might help.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: iwanttobeagoodman on March 26, 2018, 08:57:00 AM
The silent battle continues. There are many of a stuggling with this silent shame. Its going to be the hardest mountain we ever have to climb.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 27, 2018, 03:40:38 AM
Day 53

All is fine here. Had quite a pleasant evening last night: spent some time with my wife, which I'd missed over the past week (combination of in-laws visiting and busy life meant that we'd not had one of those evenings where we just sat and watched some comedy and chatted)... I'm really glad to have her in my life, she's amazing.

The busyness is easing off a little bit. My daughter has got her birthday party this afternoon. She's autistic and so it's been a struggle historically for her to make and keep friends. She's got maybe two or three close friends in school. Nevertheless they're going to have a nice afternoon making pizza!

Let's keep going, yeah? We can definitely stay clean of porn and all that nonsense.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 27, 2018, 08:40:20 AM
I'm glad that you have your wife to help you through this. I am in the same situation. My wife does not know about my porn/PMO addiction, but she obviously knows about the few times that PIED has cropped up for us. But being off of it helps me enjoy being with her more, both in and out of bed. I adore my wife and value every second we get together when laundry is put away and the kids are in bed, even if it's eating popcorn and watching a movie that we both fall asleep during. THOSE are the things, in addition to good sex, that make this worth it.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 28, 2018, 04:29:33 AM
Day 54

Yesterday went really well - my daughter loved her birthday party and all her friends had a really good time. I went to the football (soccer, Americans!) in the evening and we won 2-1. I'm actually enjoying sport a lot more as a result of the reboot. I've got a mate who I go along with, so that's good.

Busy day at work today so I'd better get on. Still in the game.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 28, 2018, 09:51:43 AM
And Jason - yes, you're totally right. This process isn't *just* about having better sex. That's one tiny fraction of it. It has a positive impact on every aspect of every meaningful relationship. Which is amazing, really.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: broccolini on March 28, 2018, 10:55:52 PM
Great to see you made the half century and beyond! Keep at it, I'll be following behind you :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 29, 2018, 09:52:25 AM
Day 55

Feeling pretty good. Woke up really horny this morning but felt that small voice saying "you don't have to do this" and so I didn't do anything about it. I probably won't be able to have sex again until maybe Tuesday next week but again, it's not like my penis is going to drop off if I leave it be.

I am working from home this afternoon, having taken the family on what turned out to be quite a long walk (over 6 miles / 10km) this morning. We sat and had fish and chips on the seafront, was just about warm enough to do so. I do like the spring, and that first day where it's just about warm enough to eat outside (albeit in our coats!)

My wife is out again tonight. It's so nice to feel like I can approach an evening with confidence, knowing that I am fully able not to slip up. That it's within my grasp. The key is just to bat those tempting thoughts away at the earliest opportunity.

Still in the game.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on March 30, 2018, 08:40:02 AM
That voice is key for me. Stops my brain from even going there.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 30, 2018, 12:59:23 PM
Glad to hear you are doing so well! Keep it up!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 30, 2018, 01:22:22 PM
Day 56

Eight weeks clean :) I am glad to have got this far and am feeling good about myself as a result, but I'm still on guard. I don't think I can ever afford to let my guard down.

It's been a good day today: we had a church service this morning for Good Friday, then we came home and had some lunch together and alternated between spending time with our daughters and doing some housework. Right now I'm relaxing on the sofa waiting for dinner to cook.

Tomorrow we're off to London for the day :) should be fun.

Thank you for all your support, it's so good to be able to come on here and share my thoughts. I am up for the fight.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 31, 2018, 02:18:45 PM
Day 57

Just a quick message as I've been out all day and only just sat down. Lovely time with the family, saw lots in London. Was super busy though.

Still in the game. Looking forward to being two months clean on Monday.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 01, 2018, 09:44:54 AM
Day 58

Happy Easter everyone! We sang this beautiful song at church this morning:

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace.

The further I get into this reboot, the more aware I am of my powerlessness save for the healing work of Christ.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 02, 2018, 10:29:24 AM
Day 59

Two months to the day since I got back on the wagon. It feels good for having done so. Today is my daughter's birthday and we've had a lovely day even though the weather hasn't been up to much. Back to work tomorrow.

Onwards we go.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 03, 2018, 06:58:56 AM
Day 60

60 days clean! I'll tell you: this milestone felt a long way off when I started my reboot at the beginning of February. I remember how awful I felt, how I was essentially in withdrawal, how my emotions were all over the place, how I was gutted with myself at having relapsed again.

Am I out of the woods yet? Not by a long way. I need to come back to God every day and say that I need Him; I need to expect that I'll be tempted in some way on a daily basis. (Today, I woke up at 4.45am and I'm acutely aware that my tiredness has acted as a trigger in the past). Complacency is an addict's worst enemy.

But it's 60 days without porn, 60 days without chatrooms, and for that I'm grateful.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on April 03, 2018, 08:43:47 AM
60 days is huge! Congratulations for making it that far!

Emotions all over the place...that's where I am. I find myself reading into things with my wife that I never would before. Feeling down on myself. I can't wait for that to pass.

Your story has been an inspiration to me. You are about a month further along than I am, which is a good motivator. To see someone more or less in the same boat as me, but just a few steps ahead. It makes me want to keep up! :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 04, 2018, 05:08:20 AM
Day 61

I'm working from home today, which would have previously been an opportunity for many hours wasted on chatrooms and porn sites. Instead, I read some Bible first thing, had breakfast, and prepared in my head that I'd get a lengthy report finished by the end of the morning. I have finished an hour early!

I'll be honest, it's not easy, and part of me wishes that I would feel no temptation, but it's not as straightforward as that. I just have to trust that I have enough strength to get through today, and then deal with tomorrow when it comes. "Sufficient for today are its own troubles" as the Bible says.

Had a really nice evening with my wife last night. We had sex for the first time in a week (time of the month and all that) and it was so good. As I've said before, our sex life bears no resemblance to porn, but I like it that way. I don't feel like I need to stay hard for an hour or go through a zillion positions - we know that we can make each other feel good, and feel loved, and that's it. For me, reboot is so much more than just a cure for ED - it's a new life based on love, honesty, self-discipline and trust.

Still in the game.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on April 04, 2018, 11:52:03 AM
That is awesome! I am sure your wife notices the difference too!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 05, 2018, 03:19:58 AM
Day 62

Not feeling amazing today, for a few reasons:

1 - it's the 20th anniversary of when my mum died. I lost her to cancer when I was 18 and in my first year of university. I move on but I've never properly recovered.

2 - I have some work worries at the moment. There are a lot of changes at the moment and it's making me feel pretty unstable about things. I have a meeting with my boss later, which I hope will clear things up a bit.

3 - linked in with 1, things aren't amazing between me and my dad at the moment. Last autumn he started dating someone 20 years his junior, which is not a huge problem in itself but it's driven a bit of a wedge between the two of us. He barely calls / emails these days - I know that we're both adults but I'm fed up of having to be the bigger man.

On top of this, I didn't sleep amazingly last night. Hoping that I sleep better this evening.

On the reboot front, everything is continuing to progress smoothly, for which I'm grateful. Maybe this reboot is leading me to address other deep-rooted problems. Porn and chatrooms have acted as an unhealthy coping mechanism for all kinds of stresses. Maybe this reboot will be a time for me to get other things resolved that I've left untouched til now.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 06, 2018, 03:05:31 AM
Day 63

Nine weeks clean :)

Yesterday was tricky for all of the reasons mentioned below. However, we had a small party for a friend of ours who had just got her citizenship, and that took my mind off things. I texted my brother, sister and emailed my aunt yesterday, and had some nice replied back.

Weirdly, I felt tempted this morning - does anyone else get tempted *after* a stressful time, maybe more so than during it? I wonder if it's some kind of pleasure / reward principle, in that maybe my mind tries to tell me that I deserve a bit of indulgence after a difficult week. Anyway, I'm developing my skills at recognising temptation at its root, and not allowing that stuff to grow beyond an initial fleeting thought.

Still in the game, anyway.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 07, 2018, 05:12:23 PM
Day 64

Literally just checking in to say that I'm still in the game. It's late now so I'm going to bed!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 08, 2018, 10:16:59 AM
Day 65

Been a bit of a tough day. My eldest, who is autistic, had a really difficult morning, worse than I'd seen her for many months. But things are calmer now. Had a nice meal last night with some friends - maybe I'm not coping so we'll because I'm tired!

Early night tonight I think.

Still keeping on. Hope you've all had good weekends.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 09, 2018, 03:09:09 AM
Day 66

Morning all. Had a quiet and slightly subdued evening. This probably sounds quite sappy but we watched Inside Out as a family last night and I kept crying - because (a) so many of my core memories are sad or difficult ones and (b) I was worried that my behaviour in the past had affected my daughters' core memories. I find it so difficult to strike the right tone when it comes to disciplining my children - I seem to either be too gracious or too harsh.

But in a way, I think that this reboot is bringing a lot of stuff to the surface that I'd previously suppressed. Maybe it's painful but maybe it'll help me in the long run. I know what I need to do, in order to keep progressing.

Anyhow, I am still in the game. 66 days gone. The ultimate aim is to be permanently porn and chat room free, but I can only achieve that one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 10, 2018, 05:08:10 AM
Day 67

Things are okay here - am at work, albeit at another office. One of the advantages of being free of this addiction is that I am a much better colleague - I am more closely engaged in the work I do, I am friendlier and funnier. It's nice - I still feel good about myself when people are interested in the things I say, but it's a healthier kind of dopamine, I think.

I have been tempted to go back onto Facebook, but it just feeds back into the same habits as before. I think I'd rather live a simpler life and stay clean, rather thank skirting as close as I dare to the edge.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: JasonGuitar on April 10, 2018, 10:12:21 AM
Glad you are still going strong. I have been so busy I have not had time to log on here and post much, if at all.

Working at home is a big struggle for me. I work at home all day, every day, and there have been days in the past I have spent 6 or so hours looking at porn and PMOing during the day, then rush to get 8 hours worth of work done in 1 or 2. Now I am much more focused on work and getting things back out to the people that need them at a much faster rate, which has been noticed!

I am still trying to steer clear of social media. On Facebook, I have unfollowed a lot of females that post pictures that may be triggers for me. That way I can still see what I want to see, keep up on news, etc. Instagram is a different story. I looked at Instagram yesterday (I have unfollowed pages that would tempt me) but due to past habits, Instagram keeps suggesting I follow all these women. So I am just staying off of it.

I am just past one month completely clean. Coming here has kept me accountable. I could not do this without it.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on April 10, 2018, 10:53:24 AM
Parenting is really hard sometimes. Discipline is never easy and I honestly believe there is no right answer. When you add autism on top of that, man, that is really difficult. Cut yourself some slack and know that you are doing your best. For me I try to view discipline as a learning opportunity. I don't discipline if I am feeling upset. I will put them in a time out until I can calm down because I want it to be an opportunity for growth and anger is never that. When our kiddos do need discipline we speak to the heart/ character condition of the situation. What character traits were not present and need work. Then we create a conversation and an action that give them an opportunity to learn and develop those traits better. We have a list of about 30 character traits that we have printed out on card stock and also posted on a paper hanging on the wall. They memorize them as part of our home school assignments. They are finally at an age (8&10) where they can tell us what traits they need to work on. They are everything from punctuality to integrity. It has helped us so much. Instead of just trying to punish because of bad behavior it has created a conversation encouraging them to grow and our family to grow as well. I am happy to share our list with you if you want. Message me and I can get it to you! They are a simple definition and a few "I Will's" that have small steps to achieve each trait.

I share this only to be supportive. You have to figure out for you and your family what works best. No two families are the same, lol. Good luck! Sending you prayers! 
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 11, 2018, 10:16:25 AM
Hi aquarius - I'd be happy to have a look at these so feel free to message me a link! Putting your children in time-out until you're calm is a great trick. I do think we do a good job with our children but there are moments where I feel like I've not acquitted myself particularly well. I hope their lasting memories of childhood are happy :)

Anyway

DAY 68

This is my last day of work for the week. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow so we're going away for a night. Should be lovely. Work has been pretty busy this week but it can be left until Monday.

Things have been fairly stable on the temptation front. Just got to stay alert and not get complacent.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 13, 2018, 11:34:14 AM
Day 70

Ten weeks clean :) just back from an overnight break with my wife for our anniversary. Was lovely- talked lots, went on a couple of really nice walks, had a delicious meal last night. Felt particularly special celebrating an anniversary knowing that things are better than they've been in years.

Still, taking it one day at a time. Was odd not updating my journal yesterday as it's the first missed day since the start of this reboot.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 15, 2018, 01:57:41 AM
Day 72

I didn't journal yesterday, because I was busy pretty much from the moment I woke at 7am to the moment I went to bed at 11.30pm. good day though.

Everything is fine but am aware of the need to stay constantly vigilant. This reboot is doing wonders for killing my pride. I'm aware how weak I am and how unable I am to take this any faster than one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Reishal on April 15, 2018, 06:14:58 AM
Be proud that you have reached 72 days. Don't beat yourself up, that's a great accomplishment. On top of that you are still focused on improving your life.  ;D
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 16, 2018, 01:53:08 AM
Day 73

In response to your comment: there is a degree to which I'm justifiably proud of where I've got to. However there's a good sort of pride and a bad sort. The good sort helps me feel pleased with what I've achieved and grateful for the strength of God to get through day by day. It's a pride that acknowledges I can't do this on my own. The bad sort of pride says "I've got this in the bag, I know what I'm doing, I don't need help." That's the sort of pride that leads to a relapse.

Also I'm conscious that this is two and a half months into what will be a lifelong battle. Despair and complacency are either side of me; I need to walk that thin, straight line.

Busy day of work ahead. Can't say I'm looking forward to it!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 17, 2018, 01:44:28 AM
Day 74

Morning all. I am working from home today, which meant that I made sure I was mentally prepared when I went to bed last night. I don't know whether this resonates with others, but I find it easier to stay clean if I mentally commit myself to doing so on a regular basis. Conversely, I've found myself relapsing in the past when I've got complacent.

I'm also committing myself to staying off social media. It's the same chemical, just in a socially acceptable dose. I go onto Facebook, post a nice picture of what I've been up to, get a few dozen likes, and whoo, there's the dopamine release. It's not what I was made for.

Here in England, it's becoming more springlike. The weather is warming up and the days are getting longer. It's a nice time of year. You know, it'd be nice to know where some of you were from - I just assuming you're all from the States but (a) that's not true and (b) the States isn't just one big amorphous blob of a country. Understand if you'd rather not share that information online!

Anyway, I'm still in the game. I'd like to get to day 100, but first I'll get to day 76.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 18, 2018, 03:43:11 AM
Day 75

Managed a day working from home yesterday with little in the way of temptation. My strategy is:

- acknowledge the temptation before it happens (I thought on Monday night: I need to be vigilant)
- get stuck into work as soon as I can when I log on
- listen to lots of music (either Christian or generally positive / uplifting)

I've got a presentation to deliver this morning, so am hoping that goes well. There's lots going on at the moment, just got to keep on top of everything.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 19, 2018, 04:09:35 AM
Day 76

Nothing much to report. Yesterday was a good day - the sun is shining here in the UK and the weather is nice and warm. If I'm honest, that means that I need to keep my eyes under good control and not allow my gaze to linger! Every woman is a beautiful creation and not someone to be objectified.

It's really good to have a few of you walking this with me - happysad and JasonGuitar, I'm really grateful for your journals and your honesty. It's good to see you both making such an effort! And there are lots of others too. Proof that it is possible to live life of sexual integrity.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on April 19, 2018, 02:52:17 PM
You sound like you are in a great head space! Very inspiring to see so much change.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 20, 2018, 02:44:45 AM
Day 77

Thank aquarius - I do feel like it's still a daily battle! I'm trying to avoid thinking of myself as "fixed" or "healed" or anything because I think that cleanness is a matter of practising daily self-control. And as a Christian, I believe that this is something that I have been given, which I can use! I think that it's important to stay humble too - I know that my actions have caused serious hurt in the past and I know that it's only by grace that I am able to attempt to live a better life in the future.

Am 11 weeks clean anyway. I think my last run on here got to around 80-ish days before falling apart. I have no such intentions. Next target is 90 days, which is a week Thursday.

I felt pretty headachey and unpleasant yesterday so I went to sleep at about 9.30pm after having had some dinner. Feel a bit better today, which is good.

Looking forward to a sunny weekend!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 22, 2018, 02:07:56 AM
Day 79

Busy day yesterday so I didn't get a chance to post. Went to the beach with the family, took my daughter to the football, had some friends round in the evening.

Feeling really blue this morning for some reason. I didn't sleep amazingly well last night, or the night before. There's a lot going on in my head at the moment and I don't think that's helping. Every so often my brain goes into this weird overdrive mode where it just can't switch off.

And it always leads to horrible thoughts of guilt and shame for the hurt I've caused and the rubbish actions I've taken, leaves me feeling defeated. Almost like I want to cry but can't even achieve that release.

Anyhow, I'm sure things will pick up.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 23, 2018, 01:57:30 AM
Day 80

Feels good to get to 80 days. Looking at my last journal, that's further than I got last time :)

Had a better day in the end yesterday. Church was great and we had a meeting in the evening which was super. People prayed for me, which I really appreciated. Honestly, I really couldn't do this fight without God, without being able to bring all my guilt and shame and leaving it at the cross, without his presence on a daily basis.

I'm still a work in progress but I can just do what I did yesterday: stay free of porn and chat rooms and get through til night time. Then tomorrow is a new day.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth;
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow;
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 24, 2018, 03:26:54 AM
Day 81

Busy day today so just a quick sentence to say that I'm still in the game. Thank you so much for all your kind words, encouragement and prayers. So good to be able to fight this with others.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 25, 2018, 09:04:46 AM
Day 82

Still in the game, keeping going day by day. It's been so busy at work and at home that I've had little time for temptation. But life is good:)

I'll keep it brief as I have a lot to do today!

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 26, 2018, 02:38:34 AM
Day 83

No major changes from yesterday, but it's important to remember these dual truths:

- I have the strength to make it through today;
- I have no strength without God.

I'm not complacent, but I trust that God will give me the strength for today and the hope for tomorrow.

I'm sorry if the God stuff is a turn-off for some of you, but honestly, I would be nowhere without Him.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 27, 2018, 03:03:59 AM
Day 84

12 weeks' clean :)

I had a bit of a sexy dream last night and therefore woke up feeling a bit tempted, but things seem to have settled again. My biggest tip to people trying to reboot is to catch those moments of temptation before they're allowed to flourish. It can feel a bit like weeding a lawn - just a lifelong, repetitive battle against temptation. But you can win today, and then tomorrow's a new day.

Got a fairly busy day lined up, then going to make butter chicken for my wife, yum.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 27, 2018, 03:40:00 PM
It feels a bit sad that there are a few people who started their reboot roughly the same time as me, and none of them are still going. I hope that you are able to dust yourself down and  start again. I'll be there to support you.

I guess we wouldn't need this place if porn wasn't horribly addictive.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 28, 2018, 03:34:25 PM
Day 85

Quick note just to mark the day. All is fine, have been with the family all day so no real temptation and lots of fun with them. Felt a bit blue earlier but it seems to have passed.

It's a bit quiet on here at the moment ...
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 29, 2018, 09:01:39 AM
Day 86

A quiet, family day today. I've just been to church in the morning and then out for lunch. And now I'm sitting around while my daughters do their Lego sets.

Nothing dramatic, just daily slow progress.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on April 30, 2018, 09:28:57 AM
Day 87

Today has been a pretty rough day. There have been countless difficulties with people I'm working with, and everything just seems to be going wrong at work. It feels like particularly bad timing as I'm due to be applying for a promotion - a bit rubbish as I feel like I'm barely able to do my own job, let alone someone else's.

So much of this stems back to my addiction and the impact it's had on my mental health. I wonder what kind of person I would have been, had I not wasted so many years of my life.

Ugh.

I should add that things have been fairly stable from a temptation point of view - other than the odd raunchy dream I've been in control. Just have to get through day to day. Thursday is 90 days.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 01, 2018, 03:07:00 AM
Day 88

It's been an interesting 24 hours as I think I've learned quite a lot about my own triggers:

- Stress - I have been feeling very stressed with work over the last 24 hours. As mentioned above, workload is really high at the moment, plus I have to apply against one of my colleagues for a promotion. It's all pretty unsettling
- Tiredness - as a result of the above stress
- Abstinence - my wife and I haven't had sex for a week, because of the time of the month
- Despair - I know that I've made it to nearly three months but it feels like a drop in the ocean compared with the wasted years.

Having said all that, NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE VALID EXCUSES FOR RELAPSE. And I know that I can get through today, because I got through yesterday. It's just a frustrating journey sometimes.

I also feel sad that there are a good few people on here who started the journey at around the same time as me and have tailed away. I hope they come back soon. I'm grateful for JasonGuitar and rnnr, whose journals are a source of inspiration. Also grateful for aquarius25 for her words of encouragement and support.

So what does today hold? A whole lot of work, then some more work afterwards, then I may just get an evening in with my wife. The sun is shining and it's not pouring with rain, so that's good.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on May 01, 2018, 12:54:16 PM
Each time you feel frustrated about the time wasted just remember you could still be there, wasting more time. Consider each day a gift and a new opportunity to create something new and not just feed an old addiction. As far as stress, Yes!, that was one if the biggest triggers for my husband. For me, it was a trigger to yell and get angry and break down. We both finally had to stop and whenever we felt stress we would literally remind ourselves of what priorities are in life. We aren't homeless, hungry, and our family is together. Everything else is just details. Do your best, feel good about that. That really is all you can do. If you get the promotion, great! It is a blessing from God. If you don't, that is ok too. Be thankful that your job isn't your provision. As a Christ believer put your trust in him to be your provision and let the job sort itself out. You will find a lot more peace in that. Remember, worry about nothing but in everything give thanks!

Chin up! You are doing really well. Breath, give thanks, and cherish everything you have in life! You got this!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 02, 2018, 09:02:26 AM
Day 89

Feeling a bit better today. Had a good chat to my boss and also to my colleague (who I'm up against for the promotion) and that helped clear the air. Got a whole load of my to do list done, so hopefully my other colleague will be happy when he returns from leave. Had sex last night, which always helps, haha. My wife is being really supportive at the moment and baked me some of these delicious American style chocolate orange cookies. Other than having a bit of hazelnut stuck in my teeth, life is a lot better!

Thanks for the kind words, by the way.

Oh, I've just realised that today marks three months clean! Woo, go me.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Georgos on May 02, 2018, 01:24:57 PM
There is a book I read called Journey's Out of Body by an assimilated American practising the four-colour theorem, "if you go on like this...the future...ME a nuclear wasteland...everyone golden brown...peace", I will tell you my story PE, I met a girl from the promised land, she said she had been speaking to me on the internet and was in love, a blonde-Japanese-Jamaican, she asked me for my email, I asked her for her number, but she was poor, as a token of my desire I gave her a book, she loved it, apart from the vampire bit, her father hated Chinese-Americans, our churches agreed to recognise each others marriage ceremonies, but I was never baptised, she accused me of doing witch-craft, though the churches had agreed that baptisms could be recognised too, I fought for my yiayia who sprinkled holy water on me after I was born to be recognised as a priestess, I regret sending it to you so that you could aid the moors, though muslim I Farrakhan speak for those incarcerated, reds have already practiced divide and rule, and if you wish I will tell you of the Jewish temple that was destroyed, for I too have red in my blood, four-colours, no centre, my brother says it is not I who buys colour, but the red you, is that green, I am trying to be a good salah to my relative, from where does he come if not the past;
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 02, 2018, 11:02:17 PM
I've no idea what you just said to me but thanks for sharing :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 03, 2018, 05:11:23 PM
Day 90

Very brief one as I've been at work for 15.5 hours. But I made it to day 90! Woo. Night.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 04, 2018, 03:27:40 PM
Day 91

Absolutely shattered... Didn't sleep amazingly well last night and had loads to do when I got into work. However! We had a nice couple of drinks after work and then went for a curry. Was lovely.

We have a bank holiday (public holiday) in the UK on Monday so it's a three day weekend. Weather is looking good too. Hoping for plenty of sleep!

Hope you're all well. Thank you for your support.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 06, 2018, 10:00:27 AM
Day 93

All is good here. The sun is shining, my daughters are happy, we are going to go and get fish and chips and sit on the seafront in a bit.

I've been neglecting this journal a bit as life has been busy. I am aware that I need to keep up the effort and not get slack- things have been going so well recently but I don't want to give in. Life is too precious for that :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 07, 2018, 02:15:26 PM
Day 94

A bit sad as (a) it's the end of the bank holiday weekend and (b) our local team lost their play off final (soccer) today. Nevertheless, it's been a lovely weekend.

Got a busy few days ahead of me. Need to be on my guard but the temptation is under control. One day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Georgos on May 07, 2018, 03:54:59 PM
PE30 what is your opinion of verbal sedatives; it raises the age of virginity and life expectancy in different conditions or it provides comfort and harmony between individuals; would you rather leave this site?
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 07, 2018, 04:30:08 PM
What are you talking about?
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 08, 2018, 01:54:47 AM
Day 95

Back to work today. Took some time to get to sleep last night as my mind was whirring with various thoughts. The sun comes up quite early at this time of year and so I can struggle to sleep. Also, we tend to have our window open at night which means that the birds tend to start tweeting away at about 4.30am. Nevertheless, I got back to sleep after waking up too early, and I'm on my way to work.

Despite the tiredness I'm feeling relatively positive. Still clean, still fighting.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Georgos on May 08, 2018, 04:42:43 AM
PE, how does intuition differ from guess work, that's all I'm asking in relation to language, for example, most of the time I hear the birds talk in English, only rarely do they talk in their own language after a long hiatus, do they choose to do this, for what purpose, there is a masterpiece by the Persian Farid ud-Din Attar called The Conference of the Birds or Speech of the Birds, I'd love to know what they say to you x
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 09, 2018, 10:43:35 AM
Georgos, I've never heard birds talk in any other language than bird language! Sorry.

Day 96

Things are pretty stable here. I have got quite a lot on my plate at the moment and it's been a bit tricky to juggle everything. Nevertheless, I'm beginning to sleep a bit better - I was hard at work last night and I drifted off at about 11pm, not waking up until 6.20am.

I keep thinking about putting my story on the "successes" page, but I keep feeling like I haven't achieved enough of a streak. 96 days is over three months, but then it pales into insignificance compared with the length of time wasted on chat rooms and watching porn.

Still, I'm doing this, one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 10, 2018, 01:37:28 AM
Day 97

I'm writing this early as I'm working from home today. It's been a few weeks since I've been able to do so, and I've been doing my usual thing of trying to set my mind straight at the start of the day. I have put on some Christian worship music and am praying for the strength for the day. I love the beauty of God's grace. We're like the adulterous woman who is about to be stoned to death. Jesus says "neither do I condemn you. Now go, and sin now more." He releases us, freely, from the grip of addiction, and gives us the strength to be addicted no longer.


Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 11, 2018, 06:56:15 AM
Day 98

Yesterday was moderately tricky - I was feeling quite turned on for quite a lot of the day. But I feel like I've developed quite a lot of resilience over the last three months, and so I was able to dig deep into my reserves to get through the day. I concentrated on work; I also played guitar when I needed a break from my laptop.

Had a really nice evening with my wife - had sex, chilled out together, was lovely. And I know that we wouldn't have had such a nice evening if I'd failed- I would have had to make some excuse as to why I didn't feel up for sex.

Two days til 100 :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 12, 2018, 02:45:02 AM
Day 99

All is good here. Went out for dinner and drinks with my wife last night which was lovely. Now up and about. Going to visit an old castle (11th century) today and then go for a short walk, should be nice.

I've been having some quite highly-charged dreams over the past couple of nights. I feel like these are being thrown my way to tempt me.

I just have to take this one day at a time. It seems to be working- that's how I've managed the last 99.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 13, 2018, 11:52:40 AM
Day 100

100 days clean! This is by no means the end of the battle but I'm pleased to have got this far. 100 days: no porn, no porn subs, no MO, a fair few temptations along the way but I have been able to keep these under control.

I might post on the success stories bit :) thanks for all your support; keep going, everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 14, 2018, 09:59:05 AM
Day 101

Things are okay here - work has been busy and as such there has been no real temptation to slip.

I don't know what anyone else thinks, but I definitely find it easier talking to women when I'm in reboot. I feel like I can just be a regular guy, be friendly, witty, not be a creep, enjoy a friendship without wanting to take it too far. I don't think I realised how much of a contribution porn made to my general social awkwardness. I feel like a different person now, compared with times when I've been in relapse (or those many years where I fought a losing battle).

Also, I realised that, if I stay clean until the beginning of June, and add my reboots up, I will have been clean for the majority of the last twelve months:
- 80 days from the beginning of June 2017
- 30 days from mid-September (can't remember exact date)
- 30 days from c. end of October (ditto)
- 120 days from the beginning of February
So that's c. 260 days clean.

But I can only do this one day at a time, so I shall resolve to stay clean today and then take tomorrow as a new battle.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 15, 2018, 06:41:39 AM
Day 102

Keeping it quick today as I need to get back to work. Still clean :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on May 15, 2018, 10:37:49 AM
Just wanted to pop in and say awesome job! 100+ days is fantastic. Keep it up! Also I wanted to ask how your wife is doing? Have you noticed improvement in your relationship? How is she handling everything as well? It's always good to reflect on all the layers this impacts in your life. Appreciate the progress on all fronts it give you even more motivation to continue! Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 15, 2018, 01:14:28 PM
Hey - thanks for asking. Yes, I've definitely noticed a change in her. She is calmer, happier, we are getting on really well - as well as I can remember, really. We have a lot of fun together, have better sex (more often and better quality!)... I feel like I'm a better dad.

She has moments of doubt and fear, I think. But she's an open book in that respect. I feel like I am being as good a husband as I could be to her.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 16, 2018, 08:22:48 AM
Day 103

Things are going well this end. I've got an interview this Friday for a promotion at work - so, quite a lot of my effort and thought is going into that side of things. I'm generally happy and well. I'm working from home tomorrow so I need to knuckle down and get plenty done.

One day at a time!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 17, 2018, 02:46:13 AM
Day 104

Started my working from home day as usual: two cups of tea and plenty of Hillsong music. I've got this interview tomorrow so I'm doing a lot of thinking, preparing and praying in advance. And then this weekend I'm going down to my Dad's for a couple of nights with the family, so I probably won't be able to post much. We'll see.

Today's target: get through today. Win the daily battle. Same as tomorrow, same as yesterday.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 18, 2018, 10:17:47 AM
Day 105

I got the job!!! Cannot believe it. So pleased :)

Off to the sunny south coast for the weekend. Will try to pop on here tomorrow but we'll see. Don't panic if I'm not on here.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 20, 2018, 03:31:45 AM
Day 107

Weekend has been pretty decent. Weather has been sunny and the family have been happy. Haven't been sleeping amazingly but I think that's inevitable as I have a lot on my mind at the moment (in a good way).

Temptations have been pretty fleeting.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 21, 2018, 10:51:03 AM
Day 108. Busy day at work today- was helping out with a house clearance and therefore spent most of the day lugging furniture!

Going to go home and have a glass of wine or something. Think I deserve it. No major temptations today.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 22, 2018, 03:44:42 PM
Day 109

I spent a while this evening going through my journal and summarising my progress for the sake of someone who was asking me. It's amazing to see how things have progressed. I think I'd forgotten a couple of things:

- how hard those first few weeks were;
- how heavily I have relied on God during my reboot. (It's easy for me to get complacent and think 'I can do this myself' but that's ridiculous).

I had the house to myself tonight. You know what that would have meant pre-reboot... Tonight it meant that I watched some innocuous TV, ate some toast, played guitar and listened to music. My wife is downstairs and I will be able to look her in the eye properly when she comes up.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this one day at a time and certainly no quicker!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on May 23, 2018, 12:53:49 AM
This is so inspiring to read. I am just at the beginning of my third reboot. It is so inspiring to read about your success.

this is my day two. I can’t wait to get to day 100 !
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on May 23, 2018, 09:27:43 AM
Congrats on the job!!!!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 23, 2018, 10:14:04 AM
Thanks both of you! Andy - I remember you from previous reboots. Glad you're getting stuck in again. And aquarius - thanks, it's a big step up so I'm both excited and slightly daunted!

Today is day 110.

This is quite a useful article for those of you who are Christian and looking to reboot:

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-satan-might-keep-you-from-porn

It borrows from the style of "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis, and describes how easy it is for people to get into a cycle of lust and pride. It's a pattern I've been aware of before: I reboot, feel really good about myself that I've rebooted, end up fooling myself into thinking that I can do this independently of God, end up getting spiritually complacent. The porn won't get me initially but I'll get sucked into pride, gossiping, maybe the odd glance at a racy Instagram account... I'll drift along and then BAM, I relapse.

I've been really aware of the need to guard myself against complacency and to continue to take this reboot one day at a time. Andy - I can't emphasise this enough. Don't think about day 100. Think about today, which is day two, and then tomorrow's a new day. Of course, you'll have in your mind an ultimate goal to be porn-free, but you will only achieve that goal in incremental steps.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on May 23, 2018, 12:41:56 PM
Thanks so much for that.

Day two has been harder than I thought. A few things went wrong both personally and at work which then led to me feeling the need for that dophamine hit. It’s funny how so much of it is chemistry.

I got through it. Currently struggling through an evening alone. But I am determined. The next few days will be busy. So hopefully I will be looking at days 4/5 before I know it.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 24, 2018, 10:29:23 AM
Day 111

I've been working from home today - it's been a bit of a frustrating day as I've found it difficult to get going! Next time I work from home, I'm going to set myself some really strong, clear goals to help me through the day.

Nevertheless I've had a good day temptation-wise - listened to lots of good, Christian music and kept away from anything that might lead me on that slippery slope. As a tip for people who are in the early stages of their reboot: don't be fooled into thinking that you can skirt round the edges of your addiction. Stay away from certain music videos, films, instagram / snapchat accounts and so on. If chat rooms are your thing, don't convince yourself that you can talk innocently. Just steer well clear.

And take it one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 25, 2018, 10:43:44 AM
Day 112

All done for the week! Now I'm on my way to the Suffolk coast for the weekend :) the rest of the family are already there and I'm on the train.

Things have been really busy in work so I've not had much chance to stray. Likewise I'll be busy this weekend. At this stage of the reboot there are fewer (if any) close calls. It's more about keeping safe, keeping that healthy distance between me and the temptation.

Hope you all have a good weekend!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 28, 2018, 03:55:36 PM
Day 115

Home now from our mini break. Was really lovely: the girls had a great time, we fitted loads into our three days and got away from all the various jobs and stresses. Managed to sleep well, too, which was a bonus!

Slight point of interest: while we were away, we ended up watching a couple of hours of dating programmes on the caravan TV. (There's no Netflix in the average holiday caravan so we end up watching whatever is on). Anyway, I don't think dating shows are particularly good for me... I think they just make me think of that thrill of connecting with a new person online. I mean, I was a long way from wanting to relapse, but it was interesting to discover that this kind of programme is more likely to trigger me than, say, a brief sex/nudity scene in a film. I told my wife about it when we got to bed. I'm glad I did as I think it's important to be honest (with her, and with myself).

Anyway, I'm still in the game. Saturday will be 120 days / 4 calendar months.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 29, 2018, 03:48:48 PM
Day 116

Nothing much to report today. Work has been busy, and then I've spent the evening cooking. I smell of vegetable oil! Yum.

One more day done :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on May 30, 2018, 09:40:00 AM
Glad to see you are acclimating to a new normal, life without porn. It sound like it has just become part of your everyday existence. Not to say that you can't fall back into it but building this new routine is really great! Keep up the great progress! Glad that things are going so well for you!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 30, 2018, 10:53:16 AM
Day 117

Aquarius, you're totally right: it's a new normal. It's normal for me to pass my phone to my wife (so she can check directions or change the music when we're driving or whatever) rather than worrying about what I've left open. I know it's not *that* long but we went nine days without having sex (time of the month plus a succession of busy evenings) and I didn't feel like I wanted to act out. There are loads more examples of what the new normal looks like.

Life is so much better.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on May 31, 2018, 08:34:35 AM
This is so good to read mate.

I totally relate to what you are writing about.  I am on day 10 of my reboot and had to say I totally get what you mean about passing your phone to your wife.  It is lovely to have that weight off my mind. 

Really admire your progress and I am determined to add the days to eachother and build a successful reboot.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on May 31, 2018, 10:47:52 AM
Thank you! Glad you've made it through the first week. There'll be some tough days ahead but I do feel like I've reached a point where my addiction is manageable on a day to day basis. I still class myself as an addict, but one who is successfully in recovery. Taking it one day at a time.

It's day 118 anyway. Busy day at work, again. But productive. Being clean makes such a difference to my productivity.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 01, 2018, 09:58:15 AM
Day 119

Another week done, another week clean. That makes 17 weeks. Tomorrow will mark my four-month anniversary of being clean.

Also: next Friday will mark a year since I was contacted out of the blue by the woman who I had an affair with. (I lied to her about so many things... every day I regret what I did to her and to my wife). It was a horrible, horrible moment, being confronted with the hurt I'd caused her. But it has spurred me on to better things. Over the past 12 months I have had approximately nine clean months out of twelve. This is better than I've ever done in my adult life.

This is no time for complacency, though. I'll get through today porn-free and then tomorrow will be a new day.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on June 01, 2018, 12:46:37 PM
Remembering is important but don't let it consume you. Be thankful, most marriages don't make it though something like this. Hold onto that and continue to work on growing closer together! Appreciate each other everyday. You two can make this next season the best season of your marriage! I am so happy for you two!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 02, 2018, 09:35:29 AM
Day 120

Four months clean :) it's taken a lot of concentration and perseverance to get this far. God has played such a huge part in my story too. I know that I'm forgiven, and that He has given me everything I need, and that porn has no part in my life.

Things are generally good. We spent the morning shopping and now the girls are playing an imaginary game. We've got pizza for dinner, which will be lovely. This is the new normal.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 03, 2018, 12:03:37 PM
Day 121

A very busy and tiring day but a great one :) church was amazing in the morning- there was a real sense of God's presence as we worshipped. People were being ministered to afterwards, was quite special. Then we went for a walk straight after church- we had to go early as my wife had a meeting at 3. I took the girls home and we made brownies and I did some prep for the week ahead. Tonight I need to write a Bible study and some thank you letters. Yesterday was definitely my day of rest!!

I start my secondment tomorrow. Praying for a good start.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 04, 2018, 01:54:08 PM
Day 122

A good first day in my new role. I wore a suit to work and got lots of compliments, which was nice. I definitely feel like I walk taller now I'm clean - there are some great women in our office and I feel like I can talk to them without having impure stuff going on in the back of my head.

You know, I still do get impure thoughts and temptations. I mean, I'm home alone tonight, and I know I have to guard myself. The Bible talks about "taking every thought captive" - it's such a helpful analogy. I'll start thinking "oh, what about this / her / that site"... but I have developed an ability to snap myself out of it within a few seconds. Maybe God is developing the spirit of self control in me.

I'm not a finished work yet but I'm going to keep going.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 05, 2018, 11:11:12 AM
Day 123

Nothing dramatic today. Feel a bit out of my depth in my new job but I'm only two days in. Feel like I just need to back myself and not worry as much. Easier said than done!

Temptation has been pretty limited today. And last night was fine too. Battles that were intense are less so these days.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 05, 2018, 11:58:38 AM
That is such great news buddy.  I find that often being busy in work helps me fight my addiction from the point of view of distraction.  But also when I am emotionally vulnerable ie nervous about business stuff I tend to be at risk of relapsing.

Do you find that you still get temptations?  I am only on day fifteen, but I find the nature of the tempations change as my reboot continues.  So, what I mean is that on days 1-10 I almost have an enormous fear of relapsing.  I avoid the room and computer where I would spend long periods of time looking at porn.  In the last few days I have had to use that computer for work and gradually quiet cravings have kicked in.  I need to fight it and reading inspirational stories like yours helps me stay strong.

Please keep up the good work buddy.  Enjoy the sunshine if you have it too :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 05, 2018, 03:51:12 PM
Thank you :) yes, I do get tempted. But I have a number of irrefutable facts that help me to stay clean:

- I am a happier, kinder, more honest person without porn and chat rooms;
- porn and chat rooms nearly ruined my marriage and family and I cannot put my wife and children through that again;
- chat rooms led to an affair that also severely damaged the woman I had the affair with;
- the allure of porn and chat rooms is based on a whole stack of lies;
- I have a better promise and identity in Christ.

Additionally, the more I resist porn, the more I feel able to resist it in the future. I get through a day working from home and I know I can do it the next time. I avoid slipping when my wife is out and I'm better equipped the next time. It's all cumulative.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 06, 2018, 11:16:04 AM
Amazing stuff mate.  Genuinely quite inspirational.

I feel that as the days go by the allure of porn is growing for me again.  Quietly and insidiously.  I need to guard against it.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 07, 2018, 01:19:58 PM
Day 125

Forgot to journal yesterday. But all is fine-I've been busy both at work and at home. Life is generally quite good at the moment: my boss is really happy with how I'm doing in my new job. And I've been getting more exercise though my knees are quite tired now! I might treat myself to a nicer breakfast tomorrow morning.

Nothing much more to report! Stay strong, everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 08, 2018, 03:26:35 AM
Well done buddy.  Sounds like an awesome day 125!  I need to get on dong some exercise I find that really helped my last reboot!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on June 08, 2018, 10:16:46 AM
Great news on the job front! Congrats! It must feel really good to be more mentally present to your job when you are there. My husband comments all the time how much more focused he feels. Glad to hear you are doing well!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 08, 2018, 12:24:42 PM
Thank you both of you. I feel like I'm starting to actually fulfil some of my potential, now that I'm fully present and committed to my job. I used so many excuses as to why I shouldn't progress my career, but my addiction held me back massively. Both in terms of affecting my productivity and desire to grow and develop, but also in terms of thinking that I don't deserve the success.

It's made such a difference.

Anyway today is day 126. 18 weeks clean. It's also a year to the day since the the woman from the affair got back in contact. Haven't heard from her, and am quite relieved as a result!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 09, 2018, 10:25:12 AM
Day 127

Bit tired as we've had a busy day so far. My wife and I are going out for dinner tonight so we'll get a chance to chat and unwind.

Just marking time, really. No real change in the past few days. But still, no room for complacency.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 09, 2018, 02:08:51 PM
Enjoy your dinner mate. You are doing really well. And I think you are right not to be complacent.



Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 10, 2018, 11:57:00 AM
Day 128

Was a good dinner last night. Food was great and it was nice to spend some time with my wife. Was quite weird/amusing too because there was a couple (possibly on a first date?) who were really drunk, and the guy came and pulled up a chair next to us and started chatting to us about the girl and his life... It was surreal but quite funny!

Today has been good.

I'll leave you with a quote from the British preacher Charles Spurgeon: "it is easier to crush the egg than to kill the serpent". Wherever possible, destroy temptation at the earliest opportunity.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 10, 2018, 04:45:40 PM
That is a great quote mate and one that I will keep with me all day tomorrow.  I think that it is key.  Maybe I need to stop the cravings in their tracks before they occupy my mind.

Glad you had a nice dinner. Sounds like the reboot has made your life so much better!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 11, 2018, 01:19:13 PM
Day 129

Bit of a stressful day at work - lots of queries in my boss's absence, plus one of my staff (formerly team-mates) came to me just as I was leaving to tell me that they had made quite a significant error. I'm going to have to investigate what happened and ensure it never happens again.

We've also got a friend of ours coming over this evening. She's very nice and is quite easy-going, but I can't help but just want to have an evening to myself where I don't have to be sociable. I'll just stay fairly quiet, I think.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 12, 2018, 01:00:01 PM
Day 130

Another busy and tiring day in the office. I hope that at some point I'll feel like I'm on the level with work things, but at this stage I feel very out of my depth!

My wife is being lovely and incredibly supportive at the moment. I'm really grateful. And there are lots of nice peripheral things going on at the moment. Just need to keep going.

In terms of temptation: I typically don't feel too tempted during the day, but I usually feel a bit of temptation when I first wake up. However it's not a bad time to feel tempted as it'd be difficult to act out.

Stay strong everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 13, 2018, 01:05:15 PM
Day 131

Today started almost comically badly but has improved. I've got a bit of a headache; hopefully it will ease off over the course of the evening. I'm really hungry!

Hope is well with all of you.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on June 13, 2018, 01:19:12 PM
Remember that in all things give thanks. I know even amidst the hardest or most frustrating experience there is always some to give thank for and doing so changes your perspective so much! Hang in there.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 13, 2018, 01:22:18 PM
Yeah hang in there!  You are doing so well. Can't believe you have done that many days, I feel inspired!  Hope your head ache disapears!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 14, 2018, 01:32:06 PM
Day 132

A good day today. Met with my team and had a good discussion, was able to get quite a lot done. And went out for a couple of drinks with my colleagues after work- sat out in the sun, which was lovely. Train is delayed, just for a change, but all is good otherwise.

Temptation is pretty limited today. Just have to stay vigilant.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 15, 2018, 11:02:41 AM
Day 133

Another week clean :) I had quite a few tricky things to sort out but I've made good progress today. I'm feeling a bit better going into the weekend. Prayer is so important in all of this- I am totally hopeless on my own.

Weekend is lining up to be quite good. Walk and lunch tomorrow, Father's Day on Sunday.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 16, 2018, 11:09:32 AM
Day 134

Not much to report. Had a nice walk with the family and now I'm relaxing and watching the World Cup with my daughter. It's been nice and relaxing :)

Hope you're all doing well. Stay strong.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 17, 2018, 03:40:33 PM
Day 135

Feeling a bit of the old Sunday dread... I can't wait to get a few months down the line and start feeling good about my performance at work!

Nevertheless it's been a lovely day. We went out for lunch for Father's Day, then for a walk. And I gave the patio a good clean with the pressure washer. Bit tired now. Maybe that's why I'm feeling the dread!

I think all of this is probably good to keep me humble :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 19, 2018, 05:31:15 AM
Day 137

Things aren't too bad today. I have had a decent start to the week in terms of work: nothing terrible has happened yet! And my boss is back on Thursday so it'll be nice to tell him that I've kept the ship steady in his absence.

Temptation has been manageable. I think there'll always be those initial moments but I'm growing good at preventing things from growing. Kill off temptation whilst it's still in its infancy. Don't allow it to grow and gain strength and power.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 19, 2018, 04:26:14 PM
Feeling a bit low before bed. Might just be because I've got a headache and am a bit tired and worn out. Who knows. Will see how I feel in the morning.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 20, 2018, 11:25:57 AM
Day 138

It's been a bit quiet on here recently. There are a few folk who started around the same time as me, who I haven't heard from in a while. Hope you're all okay.

Still clean and keeping my head above water. I have a day off on Friday so tomorrow is my last day in work for a week. Pretty tired at the moment but am sure it'll pass!

Stay strong everyone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on June 20, 2018, 03:30:53 PM
This place goes in waves. It's busy sometimes and others crickets. I just wanted you to know that I was still reading and am so glad that you have found a rhythm and are able to maintain your reboot even in stressful times as that is a huge trigger for most men. You should be really proud of that progress. Keep celebrating those milestones with your wife! Take her to dinner or something and enjoy the new relationship that the two of you share porn free! Congrats again on all your progress!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Georgos on June 20, 2018, 03:57:43 PM
PE you're doing fantastic. My record is 150 days and you've almost broken that. Keep going. Thank you.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 21, 2018, 09:03:25 AM
Thanks both of you. Georgos, my record is about the same (can't remember exactly but just over five months). I'm just taking it one day at a time as anything else is impossible for me! Nevertheless today is 139. Tomorrow will be 20 weeks clean.

Aquarius- I think it's partly that there are a few people on here I've engaged with and replied on their journals but they've gone quiet. I know how difficult it is to come back in here after a relapse but I'd hope that folk might give it another go! And it's my wife's birthday tomorrow so we're going out for dinner with my daughters in the evening, and then tomorrow I'm cooking for her and her friends. Should be nice. Really grateful for how close we are at the moment.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 22, 2018, 02:52:35 PM
Day 140

Lovely day all in all. Did a whole load of work on our garden and out up some wall shelving on the courtyard wall and then put plant pots on the shelves. It looks lovely! Then took the girls out for pizza in the evening.

Tired now but it was worth it.

I have had a few pangs of temptation the past few days but I'm drawing a line for myself well away from danger. Just have to ride it out.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: achilles heel on June 24, 2018, 05:19:14 AM
Thanks a lot for your support on my journal, it's really impressive how far you've come yet and aside from the religious and family aspects I found lots of things in your story I can relate to.

Day 27

Another clean day yesterday. I'm trying to keep things as far away from danger as possible. For instance: there was a story on a news website and one of the subjects of the story was quite attractive, and I was tempted to Google her for more images. But I didn't - I don't want to be anywhere near any of that.

I mean, we're never going to get away from that first level of temptation - the attractive woman on the train, the advert, the sidebar of an otherwise innocuous website. But it *is* possible to make a choice at that point. Do I linger my gaze? Do I click through on the sidebar? Do I justify myself that it's not really porn, it's not this, it's not that? I feel like I'm making good choices at the moment. But frankly, I'm not really interested in that. I'm beginning to realise the deceptiveness of my own brain, I'm beginning to realise that it's possible to make *good* choices, not just ones that substitute one dopamine thrill for another.

I'm also really happy not to be on Facebook. I will probably go back on after Easter but the break is doing me good. It's keeping me focused on my own life and the things immediately around me, rather than continually comparing myself to others or seeking validation. It feels really good.

I am working from home today - I'd be lying if I said that I felt *no* temptation - but I feel that the temptation is manageable, I have coping strategies, I have strength. Tomorrow will mark one calendar month clean. I'm looking to keep the momentum going. I keep thinking of what it takes to send a rocket into space. Incredible power and energy compared with the pull of gravity. This is what addiction is like. But there is a point where gravity no longer has a pull. And I'm beginning to believe that there will be a point where porn and chat rooms and all kinds of addictions will have no pull on my life.

Many of my relapses started like you mentioned at the beginning, this entry really helps me out and your story is giving me hope on a difficult day. Patience might be the key as you mentioned before.

All the best for your journey, you have come incredibly far yet and will make it!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 24, 2018, 09:42:47 AM
Thank you :) I understand that the faith element to my journey isn't everyone's thing but hopefully there's enough common ground to help you in your journey. We all have temptation and we all have to find strength to get through each day.

Anyway it's day 142. I'm very tired but happy - it's been a good weekend. Just busy. My wife had a very happy birthday so that was good.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 25, 2018, 11:03:02 AM
Day 143

Another Monday over with. I have a bit of a headache from not having had enough to drink over the course of the day... But never mind, it'll clear, I'm sure.

Am into my fourth week in my new role. Things have been pretty busy but my boss is happy with me. Every so often I remember how much time I wasted to porn and chat rooms and chat apps, and I think about how all of this has held me back over the years. Maybe I'm starting to realise my potential.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 26, 2018, 02:22:00 AM
Mate, what you just wrote really speaks to me.  Since I have started rebooting my work has started to flourish.  I am taking on new projects and pushing myself.  I too wonder about the decade which I feel I lost to porn.  I only hope that someone reading this will realise as I did 36 days ago what a mess they were making of their life and make the positive change.

My work is flourishing and I am feeling so much more healthy.

Thanks for your friendship and support.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 26, 2018, 11:35:45 AM
Day 144

Good day at work- got lots sorted out and dealt with a couple of tricky situations. Got a meeting after work and I'm late because of a late train... Annoying! Was also late this morning.

Nevertheless all is good. Still clean, soldiering on.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 27, 2018, 06:46:57 AM
Day 145

It's a beautiful, sunny day here - I decided to sit out in the park for lunch. it's been a busy week but I feel like I'm getting through day by day.

Temptation isn't too bad- I seem to have settled into a decent groove, whereby the majority of my energy is spent working and being with family and friends, rather than being wasted on chat rooms and porn sites. Never complacent, though.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: achilles heel on June 27, 2018, 02:00:53 PM
Impressive! I keep reading through your journal finding lots of inspiration, keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on June 28, 2018, 05:21:45 AM
Yeah I am too inspired by your writing and friendship.

I think it's important to remember the good things that come from not relapsing - the additional time for family etc.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on June 28, 2018, 11:03:53 AM
Thanks both!

Day 146

A busy day at work: lots to think about and respond to. This role is really taxing my brain. Maybe that's one of the weapons we have against porn: if we use our brains to their potential then there'll be less room for porn. Don't get me wrong: I still get tempted when I feel mentally tired, but then I'd also get tempted when I was bored.

To continue: there's a story in the Bible where King David ends up sleeping with someone else's wife. It's a right mess. But it starts with David lounging around in his palace when he should be in battle. We weren't born to be superheroes but we all have amazing potential.

Just think what you could do without porn.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 01, 2018, 01:27:00 AM
Day 149

It's been a bit of a busy couple of days so I've not been able to post. Had a good day yesterday, met some old friends of mine and had a catch up. Had pizza in the evening.

Had a very strange and slightly sexual dream last night but thank goodness it was just a dream!

Still going on. Tomorrow will be 5 months / 150 days.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 02, 2018, 01:44:09 AM
Day 150

150 days clean, porn free, chat room free. This is the new normal. You know, I do think about the old life every so often but I don't long for it. I know how much hurt I caused and I cannot do that again.

My next aim is to get to six months. Never done that before. Actually, my next aim is to get to day 151. I can't defeat this overnight.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on July 03, 2018, 03:30:24 AM
WOW!  150!!!!! That is amazing mate.

These are fantastic milestones.  Its funny I was thinking about my "old life" on porn the other day.  Its a really good way of describing it.  I dont want to go back to that.

Lets stay strong and beat this
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 03, 2018, 11:32:19 AM
Yeah I agree. I don't want to go back. Life is too good without porn and chat rooms.

Day 151

Having said that- life would be much better if I wasn't stuck on a roasting hot bus in the stifling heat! I've had a long day that's not due to finish until about 9.30pm tonight. Counting my blessings that I don't have to do this journey every day.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 04, 2018, 07:19:11 AM
Day 152

Pretty tired today- was a late night last night and an early start this morning. Working from home too. I am not sure if this makes sense but it feels like there's a wall between my temptation (which is real and present) and actually wanting to act out. I am aware of it, and I don't think it was there before. Today would have been a real white knuckle of a day in the early part of my reboot. I guess that's an encouragement to others in recovery, that it does get easier. I'll stay resilient though.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 05, 2018, 03:33:20 PM
Day 153

Another tough day at work but I stayed an hour later than normal and got quite a bit done. I feel better as a result. It's hot here (28C for Europeans, low-80s for North Americans) - Most of our houses don't have air conditioning so we just swelter!

Not much else to say. Keeping on, a day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on July 06, 2018, 08:40:44 AM
If you don't have AC then try putting trays of ice in front of a fan and just rotate them. When one melts then put it back and pull another out. We didn't have AC when I was a kid and it would get into triple digits! This was what my mom and grandma used to do, worked pretty well.

Glad to hear you are doing well! Awesome job. I really love the continued reading of a success! So glad you and your wife are doing so well! Transforming!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 06, 2018, 10:03:27 AM
Ah I'll have to try that! We had the fan propped up on the window ledge last night- it's been quite breezy but last night was very still.

Thank you for the encouragement too :)

Today is day 154. That's 22 weeks. I'm not sure the exact period of time but I'm approaching my record spell (I previously made about five and a bit months but was lagging quite badly in the last month or two with various behaviours creeping in). I feel pretty good- I'm generally happy, getting lots done at work, and spending time with my family. Trying to lead as simple a life as I can. Life is so much better clean.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 08, 2018, 10:26:06 AM
Day 156

Another sunny, boiling hot day here! We've made the most of it this weekend though: beach yesterday and pizza in our friend's garden, then a lunch out after church and a walk in the woods. Things aren't too bad all in all :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 08, 2018, 02:37:15 PM
Day 156, part two

This is such an insidious disease. I am all clean and I'm still very much on the wagon, but I did feel the pang of temptation a little more strongly this evening. My brain thought "why don't you just go on [name of chat site]? You could just have a normal conversation with someone, you don't have to turn things sexual..."

My brain is obviously talking nonsense. Most of my major relapses have started as a result of indulging myself in some intermediate way, thinking that I can resist the pull. It's nonsense though.

I wonder why I've felt this way? A few factors spring to mind. I'm pretty stressed with the working week ahead, as I have so much to get done in the next five days. I am tired too - it's been a fun weekend but a busy one. My wife is out and I didn't really set myself a solid enough plan for having the house to myself. And it's been just over five months since I last went on a chat room or used porn. I think maybe I let complacency creep in.

So what I'm going to do now: I'm going to arrange a few things that I needed to arrange; I'm going to get my bag ready for the morning; I'm going to stick some Christian music on and pray. And then tomorrow is day 157. I'll deal with tomorrow's problems tomorrow, and today's problems today.

I thought I'd post this as encouragement that (a) even someone who's been clean for five months can still feel tempted, and (b) temptation doesn't have to lead to failure. Temptation isn't failure; overcoming temptation is victory.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on July 09, 2018, 12:45:29 PM
Great job recognizing a temptation before you go down the rabbit hole! Keep it up!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 09, 2018, 01:57:00 PM
Thank you.

And just to say that today is day 157. I'm having a torrid time at work but I'm not cracking. Not today.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 11, 2018, 04:37:32 AM
Day 159

I've worked out that this is actually the longest streak I've managed in my adult life. I thought I'd done 5 1/2 months before (in 2014/15) but I worked out that it was actually 4 1/2 months.

I think maybe that's part of the reason I'm feeling the temptation a little more keenly at present. I'm in uncharted waters. Nevertheless, one day at a time seems to be working well.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 12, 2018, 10:42:33 AM
Day 160

That's 40 days, times four. I'm not going to lie: it's been a tough couple of weeks. I've found work really difficult and stressful, and it's had a knock on effect on my general mood. I also woke up at about 2.30am last night and then struggled to get back to sleep until about 4.30ish. So I'm exhausted today.

Nevertheless, I keep going. Am going to practise a bit of self care tonight and have a quiet, restful evening. Tomorrow will be 23 weeks.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 13, 2018, 12:10:08 PM
Day 161. Not much to report. Glad it's the weekend!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 16, 2018, 02:03:29 AM
Day 164

I've not found the previous few days particularly easy- am pretty tired from workload and have quite a few things on my mind at the moment. However I'm going to soldier on. I have holiday booked for three weeks' time- am hoping to get through til then and then regroup.

Got to remember what I'm doing this all for. I can't go back.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on July 17, 2018, 10:12:27 AM
I am sorry life have been stressful. Just keep focused on who you are becoming and try not to fixate on the past. Keep your eyes ahead to who and what your life is working towards. The future holds so much! You are doing a great job! Hang in there.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 20, 2018, 12:40:24 AM
Agh, I had a slip last night and MOd. I didn't watch porn or anything, but even so, I acknowledge that my thinking and behaviour has become a bit ill disciplined of late. Plus I think I've been so worried about trying to stay clean whilst my wife is away in a couple of weeks, that I ended up losing sight if the daily battle.

I told my wife and apologised- she was okay with me and forgave me instantly.

So it's day zero but without the crushing sense of defeat. It's a set-back rather than anything. And 167 days is a new record for me.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 28, 2018, 07:40:18 AM
Okay, right. Today is day zero. The past week or so hasn't been great: I've MOd a couple of times and let me mind wander too much. No porn but still. Today is day zero. Let's do it again.
 
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 29, 2018, 01:54:48 AM
Day one

Ugh.

I feel horrible. I keep crying, I feel like there's no way out for me. It's awful. I'm crying to God for mercy, for forgiveness, for His peace... I cannot believe I let myself slip from so many months of abstinence.

I just want the life back that I had a couple of months ago. Fun with my family and my wife, a clear head and a clean conscience. It was amazing. Yet today I'm broken again.

If you're reading this and you pray: please pray protection over my family and over me. Please keep me from my darkest thoughts. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: hector123 on July 29, 2018, 02:49:52 PM
PE90,

Sorry to hear you slipped. I never post, but I have read your blog pretty much every day for the last several months and found it helpful and inspiring. Don't let this throw you. If you're half way up a mountain and you fall, you're still half way up a mountain. I will say a prayer for you.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 30, 2018, 08:07:02 AM
Day 2

I'm so broken. I really don't know how I can go on. It's so hard. I risk losing everything over this horrible habit and I just cannot see a way out. I just cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.

To make matters worse, my wife and daughters are away this week so I have to go home to an empty house every night.

I'm currently sat in the loos at my work, tears streaming down my face, it's about the fourth time today I've broken down.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 30, 2018, 09:06:57 AM
Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2     Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 30, 2018, 02:45:26 PM
I called a helpline this evening- CALM. I thought it might help clear my head - and it really did. I feel loads better as a result... I mean, I'm not out of the woods yet but honestly, I felt so bleak earlier.

I know that many of you might feel let down that I slipped again... For that, I'm sorry. But I'm getting up again and battling on.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 31, 2018, 10:32:03 AM
Day 3

A better day today than yesterday. I've had bouts of anxiety and panic but I've been able to function properly, in general. I have to keep reminding myself:

- I'm an addict in recovery and I'm actually doing well;
- I'm not the person I used to be;
- I am a child of God, chosen, redeemed, adopted, forgiven.

And nothing in the future will ever stop that.

I have tonight and then three more nights before I go on leave. Can't wait :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on July 31, 2018, 10:43:09 AM
First, breathe. Stop and focus on your breath, in and out. You are a Christ believer with a relationship with holy spirit, rest in that. Inhale love, exhale grace. Grace for other and grace for yourself, rest in the knowing that there is unending grace that you can receive, not by your works or how many days you have on a counter. The grace is because you are loved and a part of the kingdom of heaven. Stop and rest in that. The amount of days means nothing, focus on today! That is what brought you the progress you had and that is what will bring you freedom today and each consecutive day.

I would also encourage you to continue to talk to your wife. Send her a text saying you are struggling and could use her prayers and support. As a spouse it is really such a good feeling knowing that you are being communicated to and included in the process. It give reassurance that this time is different and helps build trust in the relationship.

Also put up some goals and words of affirmation and declarations around the house. Statements that will remind you of what your are working towards. Put them on post it notes and stick them everywhere! Put them on the edge of your computer screen, make them the background on your phone, put them anywhere you might act out. Saturate yourself in reminders of who you are becoming and what you are working toward. Shame is worthless and only fuels porn so don't sit there, instead realize the capacity that you have to achieve greatness! You can do this! I am so excited for you to discover just how much potential you have within you! Shake off yesterday for that is gone. Today is a new day and  live it to the fullest!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on July 31, 2018, 02:32:08 PM
Hey, thank you for your kind, wise words. I've been in regular contact with my wife over the past couple of days and had a lovely, long phone call with her too.

The weird thing is that I actually thought I'd be in more trouble this week, and I think I got caught napping when my guard was down a couple of weeks ago. To use a cricketing analogy: it's like when two batsmen are playing out the last overs before the new ball, and one of them plays a loose shot off a part-time bowler. (This will probably mean nothing to you but still!)

I'm so prone to feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Neither of these are from God; these are dark feelings. And they both cause and are caused by porn and chat room use. I'm trying to invite God in: perfect love casts out fear.

I'm back on it anyway.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 01, 2018, 11:49:35 AM
Day 4

Still not easy. Every so often I get a wave of panic and nausea, fear of the consequences of my actions and fear that I might never beat this awful habit. I'm really struggling to get on the level, just need to get through to Saturday and see my wife and my lovely daughters and give them a massive hug and have some time away with them. My whole brain needs a reset!

On the positive side: I need to remember this awful feeling when I'm next tempted to relapse. Also on the positive side: five nights away from my wife is normally a recipe for disaster. This week, thoughts of relapse have been miles away from my mind.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 02, 2018, 11:42:04 AM
Day 5

I just about feel like I'm turning a corner. I haven't had a panic attack today; no crying; I've actually had quite a nice day at work. Plenty to do as well. And then Saturday morning I'm reunited with my family.

I'll keep going, one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 03, 2018, 11:26:28 AM
Day 6

Last day at work for a week. And assuming I stay clean tonight, I will have managed five nights alone in the house without any P/M/O/chat rooms. It's been an incredibly tough week but I've got through it :)

Going to reward myself with a takeaway tonight I think, and maybe a beer (just the one). Maybe just maybe I'll have the chance to rebuild my life again.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 04, 2018, 01:35:17 AM
Day 7

Up early today as I'm catching a train to meet up with my family and go for a week away :) I know that the circumstances were far from ideal but I'm proud of myself for having been at home for the whole week and managing not to relapse.

My motto has been 'one day at a time' but ultimately I want to go to the end of the year, then to six months, then to a year clean. Then rid of this habit for good. But first let's get through day seven!

I'm also trying to stick with a "look once and once only" policy. There's no place in my life for objectifying women, and that extends to the high street, the train, the workplace etc. I don't think I can ever stop myself from seeing a good looking woman and thinking "yep, she's good looking" but I think I can then make a covenant with my eyes not to look again. I'm going to give this a go, anyway.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 05, 2018, 10:38:15 AM
Day 8

Brief blip of feeling really low and despairing earlier. But I feel like I'm back in a good mood again. It's my daughter's birthday tomorrow and the weather is looking perfect for it, should be a good day!

I cannot change the past but I can make decisions in the present to make my future better.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 06, 2018, 12:49:39 PM
Day 9

A generally good day. Had a nice day out for my daughter's birthday. Sun is shining lots but it's not too warm. Just perfect really.

I'm taking this one day at a time but I'm thinking that this is it. I don't want to turn back again; it ruins me each time. I'm pleased with my progress but I just want to be free of this addiction for once and for all. I can't go back.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 07, 2018, 09:47:07 AM
Day 10.

Another goodish day. Enjoying the sunshine and the fresh air of the Peak District; overcame my fears and descended a really steep hill (whilst gripping my wife's hand!)

I'm so done with this addiction... I'm really annoyed with myself that I allowed myself to slip but it's just strengthened my resolve to be rid of this for good. Day 10 of 18000 (assuming I have another 50 years on this planet).
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 09, 2018, 01:07:09 AM
Day 12

Was my birthday yesterday. Had a decent day but woke up at 4 this morning worrying about everything and feeling rubbish. Managed to get back to sleep but still, kept having relapse dreams.

I just feel so alone and feel like I've overburdened my wife with all my worries. I think I need to pray. I need God's grace so deeply.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 10, 2018, 10:31:20 AM
Day 13

A bit better today. Woke up feeling really peaceful and had a lovely day walking and a nice lunch out. Back home tomorrow and then out to our friends' wedding as soon as we get back. I think the general busyness is getting to me a little!

I've had a lovely holiday but it will be nice to settle back into regular life again.

It's difficult not to feel despondent after relapsing, especially when I thought I'd kicked the habit for good. But all I can do is dust myself off and keep going. Tomorrow will be two weeks clean, which is a fair start.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 12, 2018, 12:56:27 AM
Day 15

Just woke up- its one of the times that I feel temptation most keenly so I'm posting on here instead. Life has felt so stressful of late but I feel as if the cloud might just be starting to lift. Who knows.

We arrived back from holiday safely and had a lovely time at our friends' wedding.

I have been so busy beating myself up over the chat room relapse that I didn't acknowledge to myself a smaller milestone: I've been free of porn for over six months :) it's difficult in these early days not to feel horribly despondent, but I guess this is all part of a battle. How much do I want to succeed? How badly do I need to avoid failure? How close do I need to stick to my God, who created me and sustains me and strengthems me.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 12, 2018, 10:54:37 AM
As an aside: it's a shame this page is pretty quiet at the moment. I feel like I gain and lose 'buddies' in this journey and it feels like one of those spells where there aren't many people fighting this. Maybe it's just quiet in the summer or something.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 13, 2018, 09:18:18 AM
Day 16

Back to work today. it's been a decent day so far: reasonably productive and it's been nice to see my colleagues again.

I've been having 'relapse' dreams over the past few nights. I've definitely had these before- it's horrible to wake up feeling like I've failed again, but it's a relief when I realise it didn't actually happen.

I don't feel like I've fully got into my stride with this reboot. My main motivation so far has been fear and self disgust, which is not very healthy. I've been trying to seek God and draw close to him, but I feel annoyed that I'm coming to him broken again rather than with confidence. There's a definite disconnect between my head and my heart. I *know* God is drawing me back but I *feel* like I've blown it one too many times.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 14, 2018, 03:38:59 AM
Day 17

Here's a horrible admission: I often feel bored during a reboot. There's a point at which I will find some enthusiasm for something or another, and I know that point will come. But right now, I have cut off so many things (in order to keep me away from chat rooms and porn) that I am having to re-evaluate my whole perspective. This is no bad thing: I've ditched Facebook, Twitter, the music forum I used to post on... But I need to find my enthusiasm again.

I wonder if our brains have forgotten how to be bored. We're so heavily stimulated these days and I think that maybe we've not worked out how to do life at a less intense pace. Maybe that's just me.

Still very clean though. I've been making a concerted effort not to linger my gaze on women. It needs to start from the very root.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on August 14, 2018, 12:29:54 PM
I am back buddy but I am struggling. The last month has been one big long binge and I feel so ashamed of that.

I am back and determined to get through tomorrow. 

That is where I am. Trying to string two days together.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 14, 2018, 01:36:34 PM
Hey Andy, so glad you're back. You know, I can really relate to that feeling of being stuck in a binge. Make tomorrow day one!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on August 15, 2018, 01:38:31 AM
It’s ridiculous. I honestly don’t know how it is so seductive. I wake up determined to beat this addiction and yet by 10am I am questioning whether it’s that bad a problem.

This is my day one. If I can make it through till Friday then I have a family holiday with lots of engagement and distractions so really day five will turn into day ten very quickly
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 15, 2018, 06:48:54 AM
Day 18

I've definitely started feeling a bit better over the past few days. I'm over the worst of my despair and am trying to look forward to the future. All I can do is keep fighting day by day.

I've had a couple of quiet nights in with my wife, which has made a huge difference. she's such good company. I love her and my daughters so much. They're worth fighting for.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on August 15, 2018, 10:14:21 AM
I think your determination is really fantastic! Keep it up! I also would agree with you about the oogling. I feel like for my husband when he would oogle women that is where the seeds of porn would start to stir. He would see an attractive woman and then keep looking at her and after that he would crave porn a lot because his mind was in that frame. He and I both finally came to some resolve about it where he said "The first look or glance I really have no control over, but the second glance I do" Rather than just looking at the attractive pieces of a person he would try to recognize that she is a person. She has a name, a story, she is a daughter, possible a wife, she is a person and treating her as just eye candy doesn't feel very honoring and respectful. You will have to figure out your own action with this but I think its great that you are realizing you need to deal with it! Keep up the great work!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on August 15, 2018, 11:59:15 AM
I have enjoyed reading this. It’s inspiring.

I think what you say about your family is so important. I love my wife so much and being honest my porn addiction could cause issues. It would risk our marriage. It’s a testament to how addictive the dopamine high is that I would risk that.

Keep up the great work mate.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 15, 2018, 01:18:17 PM
Aquarius, that's so true about the first and second glances. I can certainly make the choice not to allow my gaze to linger... Put simply, I have no right to objectify someone.

I know the counter is for the inner circle stuff that I cannot indulge, but I cannot allow any form of lust to creep in, from any angle. I have no choice but to remain on high alert!

Thanks both Andy and aquarius for you support.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on August 16, 2018, 04:32:27 AM
Than you for your support mate.  Have a good day and keep up the hard work.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 16, 2018, 11:35:28 AM
Day 19

A busy and quite stressful day: a few of my team are struggling at the moment and unburdening on me, plus there are quite a few problems to address. I think the 'honeymoon' period after my annual leave is over!

Still clean though. And feeling a little more positive about the future. Got a nice quiet weekend ahead.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on August 16, 2018, 11:39:47 AM
I have found that in all my previous reboots that I struggle more when life gets tougher - ie - work stress etc....  you are a bit of a role model.  Please keep going.

And thank you for your friendship and support in my journey.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 17, 2018, 03:56:05 AM
Day 20

Things are starting to stabilise for me emotionally- the horror of relapse is starting to fade. I'm slightly concerned about the following cycle:

Reboot > initial shame and disgust > struggle > gradual feeling of wellness and recovery > successful recovery mode > general well-being > complacency > relapse

I guess what I'm saying is that I never want to reach that complacent stage again. It's a constant fight and I cannot afford to relax my guard. I'd rather be clean and slightly discontented, than be freewheeling towards another fall.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on August 17, 2018, 09:09:46 AM
For my husband stress in life was a huge trigger and it always came after a bit of complacency. He felt like porn was not only a little excitement when he was feeling a bit board but then when stress was added porn was also a relief that he had control over and was on his terms when he felt like everything else in life was out of his control. When he finally recognized this he found it really helpful. When that perfect storm of complacency and stress would come about (because we own a small business so its inevitable, lol) he would stop and make some declarations immediately. He would recognize this pattern that he was following and out loud declare that he is breaking that routine and pattern. This made him feel like he was taking control of his recovery in a new way and that was helpful. Then he would seek some more healthy way to relieve stress. Weather it be an impromptu family movie night or a phone call to say "hey I could really use a batch of my favorite cookies, that would make my day" and other times (to be perfectly honest) some great sex helps too, LOL. Sometimes even the smallest thing makes the biggest difference. For me it meant so much that he was including me in his recovery.

Its great that you are assessing and realizing your own pattern, figure out what you need, communicate it with your wife and keep up the great healing progress!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 19, 2018, 01:49:10 AM
Day 22

Having a good weekend so far. Went out for a nice long walk with the family yesterday, cooked for my wife last night and the night before. It's a bit weird weather wise here today (kinda windy but humid too) and I think that's triggered a headache.

It's so true about stress as a trigger. Maybe it's worth just acknowledging to myself / my wife when things aren't ideal. Get it out in the open, break the chain. Right now temptation is far away but I am on guard nevertheless.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 20, 2018, 08:05:15 AM
Day 23

Well, I really wasn't looking forward to today at work but it's actually worked out pretty well. I have had a couple of meetings that I was dreading but were actually fine; I've got plenty of work done, all is good.

My sleep has been pretty disturbed over the past few nights. Has anyone else experienced an increase in bad dreams during a reboot? I woke up at 5am in a full sweat. Can't even remember what I was dreaming.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 21, 2018, 06:46:26 AM
Day 24

Work is so horrendously busy at the moment, which combined with some heavy duty feelings of dread means that I'm feeling pretty rubbish today. I don't know when I'm ever going to stop feeling like this, it's ruining me.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on August 21, 2018, 07:37:31 AM
This sounds like a stressful time. A lot of men can be triggered in moments of stress and unhappiness with work and life. Be sure to tell you wife how you are feeling. Ask for support and communicate your needs and tell her you love her too. These are the times that can build to relapse. Set healthy habits amidst times like these. You will feel better and have a lot more success in reboot and life. Try to bring something with you in your pocket that reminds you of joy. Carry it in your pocket. Maybe its a picture of your family or picture your child drew or a rock from a fav swimming hole, whatever. When you feel the stress start to swell then put your hand in your pocket and hold that. Allow it to refocus you. Remind yourself that yes, this is a stressful season, but its just a season and not forever. That you have something you are working toward and a family you love that you are working for. Ask for the presence of peace and take a few deep breaths. That will help center and refocus your overwhelm. You will be a lot more effective when you are not feeling overwhelm. Then you are working from a place of stress and overwhelm you make decisions that are reactionary. When you are in a place of peace you make decisions that are discerning and more long term focused. Stop, breath. Remember God says to worry about nothing but in everything give thanks. He has this covered and he has you covered too! You have so much to be thankful for even in this crazy time! Hang in there my friend! You can do this!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 22, 2018, 12:50:08 PM
Ah thanks, appreciate the advice and encouragement. It comes in waves, to be honest!

Day 26

It's been busy today but it's been a bit more positive overall. I've managed to get quite a lot done over the day and so I think I can see things improving over the course of the next week or two.

Things are pretty good at home- am enjoying the summer with my wife. She has been so supportive over the last few weeks, holding me together when I have felt like I'm on the verge of falling apart.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 23, 2018, 12:17:36 PM
Actually today is day 26!

I've got a weekend away with my family coming up. That'll be nice. They're so lovely, I am so blessed to have such an amazing family to support me. I could have lost everything and it's a miracle we've survived.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 24, 2018, 08:58:37 AM
Day 27

Am on a train to the coast- should be a nice weekend ahead. Work has been really busy this week, but manageable. I've been praying lots and trying to stay positive in everything.

I can't imagine that the temptation will be too bad this weekend, but I'm trying to stifle anything that's unhelpful. In the Bible, Job says something like "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully on another woman". I think that's something to aim for as married men. I don't want to settle for a compromised reboot. I'll admit I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to kill all forms of lust at their root.

Thank you all for your support. It's been quite a battle to overcome despair but I feel like I might be starting to win.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 27, 2018, 03:11:59 AM
Day 30

Apologies for not having posted for a few days- have been away with my family and haven't really had the opportunity to write anything. Weekend has been lovely- lots of time with my family and lots of time in the countryside. Off home later today.

It feels like quite a small milestone after having reached 150 days clean previously, but today is day 30. It's a start.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 28, 2018, 02:09:30 PM
Day 31

It's been a really busy start to the week but I feel like it's been quite successful. I've had loads to do and I have managed to get most of it done. Hopefully by the end of the week I will have caught up to roughly where I was hoping to be before.

Temptation lingers but it's not overwhelming. I have to keep killing it. Bash bash bash!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 29, 2018, 08:04:53 AM
Day 32

For those of you who are Christians, there is some really helpful material on the Desiring God website in relation to overcoming temptation. A series of short talks aimed at tackling this issue:

https://www.desiringgod.org/topics/sexual-purity/labs

We can be pure, we can overcome temptation. But we can't do it alone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 30, 2018, 02:13:25 PM
Day 33

Nothing new to report here... Still clean, getting through one day at the time. Things are very busy at work, but it's all very productive.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on August 31, 2018, 11:20:12 AM
Day 34

Tomorrow will be five weeks clean. Just seems like such a pitiful milestone compared with all the years I've lost.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 01, 2018, 04:13:32 PM
Day 35

Five weeks clean. Feels like this is a pretty lonely battle. But it's one I must face even if I face it alone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 01, 2018, 04:56:55 PM
Congratulations! That is quite an accomplishment.

And you shouldn't face it alone. I know what it feels like to be here, post in your journal, and not get any response. It sucks! So, just to let you know you are not alone, I wanted to say you are doing a great job!!!

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 03, 2018, 08:57:20 AM
Thanks Bob.

This is day 37- I've been too busy over the past few days to entertain temptation. I've got the house to myself tonight but I've got a plan of action. All is good.

I have been clean for most of 2018. Which is an achievement in itself.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 05, 2018, 08:51:37 AM
Day 39

The evening to myself passed without incident. I did some cooking and wrote an article for our local newspaper. Yesterday was a really busy day at work and a really busy evening too. Today I'm at home with the girls. They've settled on an imaginary game after a couple of arguments.

I really struggle with self-forgiveness. It's weird because I've been forgiven for far more than I deserve, so it's illogical to keep beating myself up for the past. It's not easy though. I just want to be clean forever, no going back.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 05, 2018, 01:22:47 PM

I really struggle with self-forgiveness.

I know loving yourself and forgiving yourself can be difficult but this addiction feeds on the alternative. When I don't feel like I am worthwhile, the first thing I think about is the self medication of porn. I know that feeling bad about myself breeds this sort of response and that doesn't help at all.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on September 05, 2018, 02:18:40 PM
Well done PE30
You have a good life and you are a great person. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 06, 2018, 07:34:16 AM
Day 40

I'm not saying that I *refuse* to forgive myself. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that it's difficult. I have a wife, two children, I have a respectable job and a good bunch of friends, and yet I've chosen to put all of this at risk to feed my addiction.

I'm not saying that I don't want to forgive myself. I do. And sometimes I manage it. But it's sometimes hard. Sometimes I'm overcome with sorrow.

I've read RT Kendall's book "How To Forgive Yourself Totally" and I understand all of the reasons, psychologically and theologically, why I should forgive myself. I'm trying to. It's just hard, that's all. At present it's a bigger battle than that of avoiding porn and chat rooms, which has been pretty straightforward over the last 40 days.

I hope this makes sense.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 06, 2018, 07:50:44 AM
PE30,

It does make sense. Perfect sense. To assume that a comment like, "just forgive yourself," will instantly  transform someone is ignorant and insensitive.

Please forgive me if I sound like I hold the answers.

I too struggle to forgive myself and the pain I have caused others. I feel like I have been stuck in this cycle for over 50 years. Adding up the wasted time I spent masturbating is daunting. Time I can't get back. How can I forgive myself for that?

This process continues to be a struggle for many of us.

On another note, was the book helpful? It. sounds like it was able to provide helpful information into this critical issue.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 07, 2018, 10:39:09 AM
The book was helpful- it's from a Christian perspective so that may or may not be of interest!

Day 41 anyway. Glad to see the back of this week. Everything can wait til Monday.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 09, 2018, 02:15:49 PM
Day 43. Got a bit of a headache for the second day in a row but hopefully it'll be gone by the morning. It's been a good weekend all in all.

My wife is out and I've had an incident-free evening. I don't want porn in my life in any form.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 11, 2018, 09:21:31 AM
Day 45. Bit of a long day as I was up at 5.30 as I had to meet someone for work first thing. But tonight should be pretty quiet.

Things are generally okay, though.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 13, 2018, 05:43:34 AM
Day 47

Life is pretty busy and stressful at the moment - work is pretty intense and there's loads of other stuff going on. I don't particularly feel the need to go towards porn or chat rooms; I just know that I need to take care of myself. We're going away Friday night and I'm a bit anxious about the drive, about sleeping arrangements and so on... Hopefully it'll all be okay.

I don't know if this makes sense but I feel like I need more joy in my life. Things aren't terrible but they feel quite flat from time to time. I guess this is just part of life, really.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 14, 2018, 11:53:54 PM
I understand completely. Joy in life is like a light shinning in the darkness. It shows the way when things are challenging. However, if you are like me, you can still find your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night when you get up to go.

I guess I am trying to say that I know you can find your way, even if it takes the joy of the dawn to appear. Keep moving forward. We are all behind you in this.

Honestly, you guys that are working to eliminate this in your lives are an inspiration to me. You help me stay focused on what is important.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: BabySteps on September 15, 2018, 08:10:56 AM
PE30

Your rise and fall is inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
You success rate for the year 2018 is greater than 60%
Now that you rose and hit the day 47 mark again.
.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 16, 2018, 02:07:24 AM
This is day 50 :)

Thanks for the encouragement. I haven't done the maths properly but we're about 250-odd days into 2018 and I've been clean for at least 200 of them, in two bursts. My aim is to see the rest of the year out clean and then go for a full year in 2019.

I'm still a bit annoyed with myself that I let things slip after 150-odd days of a reboot, but I feel like all the good habits I nurtured during that time are paying dividends this time around.

I'm not free of temptation - I wonder if I'll ever be. But I'm convinced that God will use my weaknesses for His glory.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on September 16, 2018, 04:25:05 AM
Day 47

Life is pretty busy and stressful at the moment - work is pretty intense and there's loads of other stuff going on. I don't particularly feel the need to go towards porn or chat rooms; I just know that I need to take care of myself. We're going away Friday night and I'm a bit anxious about the drive, about sleeping arrangements and so on... Hopefully it'll all be okay.

I don't know if this makes sense but I feel like I need more joy in my life. Things aren't terrible but they feel quite flat from time to time. I guess this is just part of life, really.
Joy is coming from contentment/gratification. Try to see all the good things in your life and be content with that!
Porn makes you discontent - you want something you can never get.
Be satisfied with what you have, then the joy will come back. Joy comes from the inside, not from things!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 16, 2018, 06:25:12 AM
PE30,

I think the "pull" will always be there. The goal is that over time, it fades into the background, slightly.

This may sound strange. I does to me as I remember thinking my early 60's were the true sign of being old. But at your age, you have so much of your life ahead. Think of the difference between spending your time pleasuring yourself when you could be giving pleasure/support to the one you love, to your friends and the world around you. Pleasure doesn't always have to be about sex. It can be the care of someone that is sick, down, or of need of a good friend. The time I have wasted over these years is astounding. Please don't make the same mistake I made.

PE30, you have been doing amazing. My comments are not to you directly. I know you are working on directing your mind and writing that you wish it would go away. I am just thinking about my own journey.And, at your age, I too was thinking this "habit" wasn't a good thing. But i continued. Now I am comig up on 62. My dad died at age 63 and that looms close in the future. It levels a great deal of emotion on who I am as a man, of what I wanted and thought I would accomplish at this stage of my life.

Sorry for being so maudlin but life passes by quickly. We have much to accomplish and it becomes difficult when we are distracted by the lifestyle of pmo/mo.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on September 16, 2018, 09:11:43 AM
And of course I agree with Bob. You have done great!
You are a motivation for all of us in the same boat!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 17, 2018, 07:07:50 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind words. These feelings come and go: I know that porn and chat rooms are not the answer; they'll promise so much initially but lead to so much misery...

There is so much to be thankful for, and there are so many sources of joy out there that are clean and edifying. I've had a really tough couple of months but I feel like I might just be coming out the other side.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 20, 2018, 08:41:43 AM
Day 54

Not an awful lot to report. Kind of regret getting drawn into arguments on here with people I don't even know... It's a distraction from my reboot.

Life is generally good and my reboot is running smoothly.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on September 21, 2018, 08:48:25 AM
Hang in there. I have noticed that this forum, like any other forum on the internet, sometimes attracts argumentative people. I honestly am at the point where I don't even think those people care about porn addiction. They just like to make up a random user name and come on here just to argue because they enjoy being an antagonist. It is pointless interacting with them. They really need to grow up and get a life, lol. I saw your post and really think your point was spot on, the only problem is that they don't actually care. If they don't have ears to hear then speaking to them is just like a noisy gong, it's pointless. What I do appreciate about your post is that other people on here will see what you are saying and maybe your point will get across to them! So for that, thank you!

54 days is fantastic. Keep up the good work! Just think about how much your life has transformed from even a year ago. Don't forget to appreciate and celebrate the progress!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: hector123 on September 21, 2018, 09:50:02 PM
Way to go PE30. It is impressive how you just got up, dusted yourself off, and are now up to day 54!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Finwë on September 22, 2018, 11:01:37 AM
Quote
I think the "pull" will always be there. The goal is that over time, it fades into the background, slightly.

Quote
I'm not free of temptation - I wonder if I'll ever be. But I'm convinced that God will use my weaknesses for His glory.

Can you guys explain this? I'm over 11 months free of porn, and have no desire to watch. I'd rather smack myself in the face with a hammer. I'm not interested in casual sex anymore either, unemotional sex has no appeal to me. I have a thread full of quotes to the same effect from other people who rebooted:
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=15974.0

Did you guys just quit porn or are you doing other things as well? Do you still ogle women besides your wife? Do you re-enact porn tastes in fantasy or real life? Sorry if the questions are intrusive but I'm just really confused as to why some guys change in this manner and others don't.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 23, 2018, 07:26:57 AM
My reboot means:

- no porn or porn subs
- no chat rooms
- a sex life exclusively with my wife, that reflects our mutual tastes and preferences (I was never one to want porn movie style sex: I kept the two things in different compartments in my head)
- an active effort to kill all other lustful thoughts (e.g. when I see an attractive woman on the train, or whatever)
- an active effort to avoid temptation (television shows etc)

Regarding the final one: I don't think I'll ever stop feeling tempted. But I have a choice to allow a brief moment of attraction to die, or to allow it to take root. I'm choosing the former as part of my reboot. Hope this helps.

It's day 57 by the way. Feeling pretty low in general but the reboot is going steady.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 24, 2018, 01:17:33 PM
Day 58. I had a really horrid dream last night relating to my past behaviour and woke up in a panic. Its amazing what the subconscious can throw your way, but I'm glad it was just a dream.

Today has been busy at work but not unsuccessful. There is so much to do and it's quite a job keeping on top of things! But my manager is really pleased with how it's all going.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on September 24, 2018, 04:59:14 PM
You are such an encouragement for me. Sorry if I led you in to arguing with me over my comment even only in your mind.

I'm proud of all of you walking up the road for us others. We need to believe that it's possible!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 25, 2018, 07:34:38 AM
Day 59

Things have been a bit better in work. I had a long chat with our new starter this morning and I'm hoping that she'll settle in well. I've got a busy couple of evenings outside of work ... But then this weekend isn't looking too bad. 

Imaquitter - no apology needed. Appreciate your encouragement :)

Tomorrow will be 60 days; Friday will be two months. Never give up, never get complacent, stay alert, be watchful, fix your eyes on the right things.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 26, 2018, 01:58:08 PM
Day 60

Quite pleased with this as a milestone. Still want to just be rid of this addiction permanently but I can only do so one day at a time. I have a sense of discontentment but I don't know if this is necessarily unhealthy? I'm not beating myself up but I'm not going to be complacent either. Just trying to push myself to a safer and safer position, as far away from temptation as I can. But also running headlong into good things: God, my family, my wife, good friends, and so on. If I'm running away from something, I also need to be running towards something. There is a better plan for my life.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on September 26, 2018, 06:10:09 PM
60 days, that's great!

The further we get from our past, the less it's hold on us.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on September 27, 2018, 03:06:00 PM
Awesome job!!! I am so happy for you and your family! Sounds like you are in a great place! Enjoy life! Porn is not life! Enjoy focusing on all of the great things you have in your life! You are so blessed!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on September 27, 2018, 03:36:23 PM
That is so great PE30! I'm exactly half way :) (30 days today)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 28, 2018, 12:17:39 PM
Day 62

My mood really does fluctuate. I felt really down last night, but also quite panicky. I ended up having to put on some music and doze. I feel a bit better today but I'm still up and down. I have so many blessings but I can so easily end up dwelling on fears.

This weekend should be relatively quiet, so that's something.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on September 29, 2018, 12:46:14 PM
Day 63

Nine weeks clean / over two months clean now. Had a lovely day with my family today, and have got some friends coming over for dinner. Just got to take it one day at a time. I had some pretty arousing dreams last night but I didn't act on them in the morning. Not much you can do about those dreams other than wake up and write them off.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 01, 2018, 11:03:50 AM
Day 65

Things are ticking along. I oscillate between feeling pretty happy and struggling mentally. But I'm not too bad today. Just tired. Glad for a quiet night!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 03, 2018, 12:45:03 PM
Day 67

Another couple of days ticked off. I wonder: at what point will I start to feel a sense of achievement again? I've been clean for over two months (and for the majority of the year) but I don't feel in any way satisfied. I wonder when the peace will kick in again. I've not really felt peace since the end of July.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: achilles heel on October 03, 2018, 02:32:53 PM
Day 67

Another couple of days ticked off. I wonder: at what point will I start to feel a sense of achievement again? I've been clean for over two months (and for the majority of the year) but I don't feel in any way satisfied. I wonder when the peace will kick in again. I've not really felt peace since the end of July.

One of the hardest tasks of rebooting is to learn patience: Not only did we suffer from an addiction of constant novelty with thousands of new impressions within hours, but we did so for many, many years. "Another couple of days" might appear to be nothing at this point, but every day you put between you and the last time you relapsed is a valuable day won! I sometimes feel that reading the success stories of new superpowers aren't very helpful, because one starts to build high expectations on the reboot. This is about daily success, about not using and you made a huge achievement by another day of not using. More than 2 months is just great, keep going!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 07, 2018, 11:01:55 AM
Day 71

I've had quite a decent few days. Received some good news about my daughter; managed to get a few things done that I'd not had the time or energy to do over the past few weeks; spent a nice weekend with my family. There are a good few anxieties floating around but on balance I'm doing okay.

I did wake up feeling quite turned on this morning but I kept disciplined and didn't let things escalate. I figure that I can't help it if I wake up that way, but I can then make a positive choice not to allow myself to dwell on those thoughts.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 08, 2018, 02:08:14 PM
Day 72

Busy start to the week. Also, it transpires that (due to a couple of different circumstances) my wife and I aren't going to be able to have sex til early next week, having not had it since maybe Tuesday last week. It's not the end of the world but it does mean I'll have to be particularly disciplined over the next few days! I'll do what I normally do in such circumstances: keep myself busy and set my mind on better things. It'll be fine.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: the_terrible_one on October 08, 2018, 04:39:47 PM
You are crushing it Sir! Only another 18 days until you reach the magic number, AND BEYOND!!! :D Keep going PE, you're doing an awesome job.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 10, 2018, 09:55:44 AM
Day 74

I've had a bit of a stressful few days at work- lots of different things have happened and I've felt a bit overwhelmed with it all. My wife has been lovely and really supportive. Just need to get through til the weekend!

Today is world mental health day by the way. I'm not ashamed to say that I've struggled with poor mental health for much of my adult life, without ever really passing the threshold for treatment. It just nags away at me from time to time. I can blame some of it on my bad decisions but I think there's an underlying weakness there. One thing is for certain: I'm healthier clean.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 12, 2018, 11:17:44 AM
Day 76

Work is pretty rubbish at the moment. Was on the verge of tears this afternoon at my desk and nearly cracked when someone asked if I was alright. I was supposed to be going out with my colleagues tonight but I've bailed out as I'm feeling miserable. Going to just get an early night and try not to ruin things for everyone else. I wish my brain was different, I wish I didn't feel this way. Ugh. Ugh.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 12, 2018, 02:01:57 PM
I'm beginning to think that there's no magic number. What if I make it to day 1000? That's not even three years. I've struggled with chat room addiction since I was 19. I'm 39 now. (I've been clean every day of my 40th year of life, I just realised). These kinds of numbers just don't make any sense. It's day 76 but that's just two and a half months. I can't imagine feeling *free* of my addiction at day 90, day 100, day 200. I can't imagine a life without this awful, nagging heaviness.

Even now, I am sitting here in my room because (a) my wife is downstairs with her friends and (b) I felt too rubbish to go out with everyone this evening - and there is still that lingering sense of temptation. I should know myself: I'm tired, I'm feeling emotionally low and stressed. I don't want this.

Don't worry, I'm going to stay clean. But it's a battle sometimes.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on October 14, 2018, 05:05:30 PM
Stay strong! Its not worth it. I can relate, had a hard day yesterday and almost lost it totally. But im not giving up. You are a great encouragement for me. I'm half way in my first phase of reboot, but only on day 2 of my cold reboot. I really think a AltCtrlDel reboot will have some effect, but a real power switch flip, maybe even disconnect the power cord for 5 minutes, is always best. We want the circuits to empty fully before starting up again. And then avoid the RAM eating processes :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Mariot on October 15, 2018, 09:27:41 AM
Thank you for sharing your story! I am in day 1. I think reading stories of others help me realizing that I am not alone, and that it can be done.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 15, 2018, 01:14:08 PM
Day 79

A much better day. Things that have helped:

- praying at the start of the day set my mind at ease
- talking to my colleagues rather than being cross with them
- quiet time on Saturday with my family
- chatted to my church pastor yesterday

Was nice not to feel rubbish all day.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 19, 2018, 11:55:11 AM
Day 83

Managed to get to the end of the week. Pretty tired but it's been fairly productive. Have managed to get most of my work done too. 

Still struggling on and off with my mental health but never mind. Surviving.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 21, 2018, 03:40:09 PM
Day 85

Undramatically plodding on.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on October 24, 2018, 08:10:49 AM
Great achievement again.
I look up to you!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 26, 2018, 08:49:24 AM
Day 90

Well I've made it to 90 days again. No slipping this time. I have no aim other than to stay clean each and every day.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on October 26, 2018, 02:38:56 PM
That is a real accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 26, 2018, 03:38:33 PM
Do you know what? I feel more like some who's been clean for nine months with a brief relapse, than someone who's been clean just three months. I am starting to feel the cumulative effect of the last 16/17 months' serious rebooting efforts.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on October 28, 2018, 12:33:16 PM
Day 82

Today marks three months clean. I'm not out of the woods but I'm glad I'm on the right track. I've managed eight clean months this year.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Hopin4Better on October 28, 2018, 02:34:43 PM
Congratulations on your all your success.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on October 28, 2018, 09:12:52 PM
You are doing amazingly well.

Keep it up.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 01, 2018, 01:22:24 PM
Day 96

I got my day stamp wrong last time. Anyway: still clean, staying clear of secondary stuff, too (e.g. keeping my friendships with women at a sensible distance).

Life is busy but not bad.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on November 02, 2018, 04:51:58 PM
Passed the 90 day mark! Congratulations!
Keep it up, you are really doing well!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 06, 2018, 12:11:17 PM
Day 101

I've made it to 100 days again :) really pleased. Just need to keep it simple, not go near anything that might lead me on a slippery slope... And also, keep in mind everything that is good and lovely.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on November 06, 2018, 12:36:55 PM
Wow 100 days!!!

That is amazing
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Andy9120 on November 11, 2018, 04:18:22 AM
Hope all is good buddy!  Thank you for your ongoing support!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 11, 2018, 10:52:34 AM
All is good :) I've been pretty busy lately but am still on track. I make it day 106 (15 weeks and one day).
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 12, 2018, 03:32:22 AM
Day 107

Posting this morning particularly for accountability reasons: I'm working from home all day and am alone in the house this evening, plus I am tired from two late nights. So I'm acknowledging that it's not going to be the easiest of days and I need to be particularly vigilant.

Had a brilliant weekend though - cooked for a load of people,went to see one of my favourite bands play... Had a lovely time with my wife and family and friends.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: ddmmyyyy on November 12, 2018, 03:51:57 AM
Sounds amazing - your determination is an inspiration!
And great to see, that you are still alert about your possible triggers after being sober for so long.
Looking forward to get to 100+ days myself. Well, for now I need to go past 10 as a start ;)

All the best and thanks for posting!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 12, 2018, 04:05:24 PM
I don't think the temptation ever fully goes away. The whole 90 day thing is a useful initial target but is no guarantee for cure.

The fact is that I've got a lifelong weakness in this area. It means I can't join something like Meetup or Bumble to make friends, I can't go for lunch with female friends/colleagues, I have to stay away from a whole bunch of stuff that wouldn't be any issue for most adults. I also need to keep nurturing an active hatred of porn, chat rooms and anything of that sort. It's not a 7, 30 or 90 day thing. It's a lifetime thing.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on November 13, 2018, 02:50:48 PM
The whole 90 day thing is a useful initial target but is no guarantee for cure.


I agree. It has to be a change in lifestyle.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on November 13, 2018, 03:50:48 PM
That is a great perspective! Lifestyle change!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 18, 2018, 03:10:48 PM
Day 113

Really tired today - put a lot of work into a meal I cooked for some friends last night, but didn't get to sleep til 1am and then woke up at 7.

I'm partly posting because I know I'm easily tempted when tired. This is a form of accountability.

Things have otherwise been good. Work is busy but productive. Lots of other stuff going on.

Hope all is well with you all.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on November 18, 2018, 03:58:12 PM
You are an inspiration to all of us.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 23, 2018, 09:01:25 AM
Again, posting for self preservation as I'm home alone and tired! Old me would have made the most of a lazy day in the house, but I'm done with that. Even though the temptation is still there, lurking away. Never get complacent.

Today is day 118.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Edit_undo on November 24, 2018, 08:02:07 AM
Well done PE30. You have had quite a journey and I’m encouraged by it. I find the temptation to use or peek lessens (yes, lurks in the background but less). Now the recovery part is how I perceive and handle images and real life encounters. Sounds like you are doing great, keep it up.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 26, 2018, 04:40:33 PM
Yes, the temptation does lessen. I just need to keep doing the things that keep me away from it. Draw deep on God's love, embrace my family, work hard, rest well, try not to be either too hard on myself or too lax.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 26, 2018, 04:41:04 PM
Today is day 121 by the way.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on November 30, 2018, 12:10:15 PM
Today is day 125. I had a minor moment of temptation earlier in the week after getting into a very brief conversation with a woman on the train. But it didn't lead anywhere. Shyness is a blessing sometimes. Ridiculous how one's mind ends up wandering, even when in the cold light of day you realise how daft you're being!

Week has been okay, but pretty busy. Glad it's the weekend.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on December 08, 2018, 04:14:10 PM
I make it day 133

I had a horrible relapse dream the other night: like a dream within a dream. Took me ages to realise I hadn't actually relapsed.

Life is still busy but good. Just checking in to say I'm still going strong.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: allthelights on December 08, 2018, 05:42:37 PM
You are not your dreams and your dreams are not reality!  Good work on sticking it through.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on December 13, 2018, 01:53:39 PM
Just checking in on day 138. I'll make time for a fuller post in time, but all is well and I'm still clean.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on December 17, 2018, 05:25:31 AM
It's day 142. Just worked out that Christmas day will be day 150!

Am posting really because I'm aware that this is the sort of time when I'm tempted to relapse. I've had a busy few months and I'm approaching a lull where there's not so much work on.

I went out for my work Christmas do on Friday and I must admit that I found it a little difficult/ triggering in the evening due to lots of fairly attractive women being out in the bar where we were. I didn't cross any lines and I didn't ogle, but it wasn't the ideal environment for me. So much of this battle is about admitting your weaknesses. I don't think it would be sensible for me to spend much time in bars (mind you, it's not like I go out loads!) And it's also important that I make a mental note to myself in that situation. It's too easy to indulge a fantasy even in the most fleeting of moments.

Still clean, still battling on. Thank you for all your support over the past few months. I need to take stock and remember how far I've come since some dark days earlier in the year.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on December 17, 2018, 07:11:48 AM
Amazing. You are doing great, an inspiration to all.

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on December 17, 2018, 12:04:19 PM
You are doing great and I think it is so wise of you to notice and admit where the weaknesses are. Remember to make a plan now for when you encounter that weak area again. Is it to send a text to your wife checking in? What ever it is, maybe even just a mantra to say, have something handy as a plan so that you can feel even stronger in the future. You have so much to be proud of  and thankful for going into a new year! Congrats on all your progress!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on December 24, 2018, 12:09:42 PM
Day 149. Tomorrow will be day 150.

It's been such a tough year - there have been times where I have genuinely felt like I couldn't go on. Nevertheless I'm still here, I'm fighting on, and (assuming I make it to the end of the year) I will have spent about ten and a half months of 2018 clean of chat rooms (in two stretches), and just under consecutive eleven months of 2018 clean of porn.

Onwards we go.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on December 24, 2018, 02:12:35 PM
That is awesome progress!!! May 2019 be filled with more upward progress and joy! Merry Christmas
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: changemylife on December 25, 2018, 04:20:37 PM
Day 149. Tomorrow will be day 150.

It's been such a tough year - there have been times where I have genuinely felt like I couldn't go on. Nevertheless I'm still here, I'm fighting on, and (assuming I make it to the end of the year) I will have spent about ten and a half months of 2018 clean of chat rooms (in two stretches), and just under consecutive eleven months of 2018 clean of porn.

Onwards we go.

When you feel like you can't go on, remember that you've made it to day 150 so you could definitely do it. You can go another round of 100 days as well.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: bob on December 25, 2018, 05:40:24 PM
More power to you in the quest for freedom!

Peace
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on December 31, 2018, 04:29:27 AM
It's the last day of the year. And you know what? I think this is the first time in a while that I've ended the year still on a good run. It's day 156, which is approaching the high water mark I made between February and June - obviously this is only the beginning of a continued life of discipline.

I've got a lot to be grateful for, looking back at the last year. I have spend the majority of the year clean, save for a relapse in July. My relationship with my wife and family is at its strongest. I have survived seven months of a challenging secondment in my role, and am using resources that I didn't think I had. I have been digging into God's word, to seeking him in everything. My health is good and I can feel the benefit of having had a few days' annual leave.

Every so often I have dreams that I've relapsed in some way. As horrendous as they are, they remind me how miserable a relapse is, and how much better life is when I fix my eyes on things that are good and healthy. I think I've also realised that I can go to better places when I'm bored, stressed, weary or ill. I don't need to fall back on old habits, and I don't need to false validation of a chat room to survive.

Anyway, I'd like to wish you all a happy new year. Thank you for all your kind words (and challenging words), for your prayers, and for walking with me in this battle in 2018. I'm aiming for a 100% clean 2019, but that's a target that's reached through daily decisions and continued vigilance.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 06, 2019, 04:40:00 PM
Day 162

No significant temptation over the past few days but my goodness, I've felt lousy about myself. I'm not sure what the root cause is but I keep beating myself up verbally for making stupid mistakes. Like, the other day I was trying to help my daughter make a robot for her school project and I just couldn't get it to work. Ended up in tears, feeling so stupid that I couldn't make a success of it. Just wish I liked myself more. I really struggle.

Work is pretty stressful too. Just need to keep on with everything that I'm doing and not be overwhelmed.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on January 08, 2019, 10:09:30 AM
I get feeling down and being hard on yourself but I want to remind you of something. You have made amazing progress!!!! Look at where you were and where you are today! You did something right for sure! You made a big changed that will forever impact your kids in a positive way! The fact that you were helping with the science project in the first place instead of withdrawing from your family to go look at pron is way better than actually having a working project anyway. Seriously! Her science project is one small moment in time, you spending time with her, that is priceless. You are a different person, be proud of that. We all have bad days but don't let that shake you too much because you are doing great! Celebrate that!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 11, 2019, 05:34:25 AM
Thanks aquarius. It's difficult to stay positive sometimes but I'm fighting away for the sake of my family.

This is day 167 and I believe that I'm now into my longest ever clean streak. Feel like I need to knuckle down and get through the next few weeks as it'd be easy to get complacent or think that I can reward myself. I know how awful failure feels, and I'm trying to use that as part of my motivation to stay clean and well.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 20, 2019, 02:00:30 PM
Today is day 176. I'm posting here as my usual means of killing temptation even though I'm tired, I'm going to be alone this evening and it's been a week since my wife and I slept together (nothing terrible has happened between us, it's just been a combination of evening commitments and tiredness).

I feel slightly knocked by the news that someone else I follow on here has relapsed, but I hope he gets back to a good streak again. I know how bad a relapse feels and I can't let myself go down that road. Onwards and upwards! Aiming for the six month mark in a few days' time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on January 20, 2019, 05:10:41 PM
You are certainly encouraging me. I have not relapsed yet on my second attempt, but have been really close several times. But like you said to another one of our brothers, "remember how strong you are now!" All added up we are getting stronger every day and our combined forces are changing the world!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 20, 2019, 05:21:22 PM
How many days in are you? It feels really good to get through a period of temptation - I just got on with some work and waited for my wife to come home.

I'm looking forward to getting to the first weekend of February - that'll mark one year free of porn. Next weekend marks six months chat room free.

My life is so much better without porn and chat rooms in it. Previously I would have used the two hours alone for these things, then had to lie to my wife. Instead I caught up with some work and then we slept together when she got back. Trying to live life as it was intended.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on January 22, 2019, 05:23:31 AM
I'm at 95 days now, and soon a month in hardmode.
Your story encourages me! Stay strong!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 22, 2019, 04:30:01 PM
Good going! It is possible to break free of addiction.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 24, 2019, 10:17:14 AM
Today is day 180

Here are some thoughts as to what has helped so far:

1. There has to be a vision for a better you. I know that when I'm free of porn and chat rooms I'm kinder, more focussed, less tired, in a better place spiritually, happier with myself and my family, a better husband, and so on. These things are undisputable facts.
2. There also has to be a real disgust for the things you did before. Take a look outside yourself and imagine: if someone saw you on a porn binge, up at 3 in the morning, or sat on a chat room, getting yourself off, what would they think? What do you think when you look back on that? Don't hate yourself, don't hate women, but develop a hatred for porn in all its forms.
3. Count the cost. You probably do these things in the dark, but what if... your partner walked in, or your children, or your boss found your internet history, or you left your phone in a café and someone saw everything you'd looked at? Go and read the 40+ section and look at all the men whose lifes have been ruined by a porn habit.
4. Take it one day at a time. Day 180 seemed so far away at day 1, but it's only through a daily choice that I've got here. Don't expect miracles overnight.
5. Remove temptation and triggers. Don't kid yourself that you can stay up late on your tablet, or spend an hour on youtube or reddit, or whatever. If you need to quit social media, or alcohol, or anything to get clean then do so. It's worth it.
6. Don't go near the middle circle. For me, I'd convince myself I could go onto an internet forum site were we all just talked platonically. But it's a fallacy. If A leads to B, don't go to A.
7. God is good. Seek Him.

There may be more, but that gives you a flavour as to how I've been thinking over the last 180 days. Keep going.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on January 28, 2019, 12:11:14 PM
Today is day 184, and is also six months since I last went on to a chat room.

I don't think there'll ever be a magic day where I'll no longer feel the pull of temptation. I have definitely felt temptation within the last week - even within the last 24 hours. However, I think two things are of particular help when it comes to maintaining a long streak. Firstly, I know I got through yesterday and therefore I got through today. I've got through days where I've felt suicidal, where I've despaired, where I've just felt angry and frustrated about life... and I've got to the end of those days and not used porn and not used a chat room. Secondly, I know how much it hurts to fall. I don't want to do that to myself. The pain of failure is worse than the fleeting thrill of porn and chat rooms.

I've had a bit of a rubbish few days: I fell off my bike last week, and I've had said bike stolen over the weekend. Nevertheless I'll keep going.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Pete McVries on January 28, 2019, 02:13:28 PM
I don't think there'll ever be a magic day where I'll no longer feel the pull of temptation.

I have observed the same thing. There is this rebooter on YBR who is almost 3 years squeaky clean and he still gets cravings and temptations. It's like with every other addiction, the brain remembers and knows the sweet dopamine rushes you got from P. But there is hope I think. As you go, you learn how to manage these cravings. But you also have to be careful how you spend your days. Like, if you spend your whole day in front of the computer at home alone, relapses will be almost inevitable. It's like being an alcoholic and spending your whole day in a bar trying not to drink...

In conclusion, I think it is not only crucial to completely abstain from artificial sexual stimuli which is almost impossible in this hypersexual world (during my first reboot 3 years ago, after a week clean, I was baffled how sexualized EVERYTHING is. Sex was (is) on billboards, in songs, on the radio everywhere on the internet and so on and so forth. During my porn days, I wasn't noticing this because of being desensitized but, holy shit, when I started abstaining from PMO it got almost overwhelming. I had to get rid of certain songs in my playlists because it was too graphic for me) but to build a life where relapses become more and more improbable. Solely abstaining from PMO will only get you so far.

Sorry for the rambling. Anyways, keep trucking and don't stop being a trailblazer. Us single and double digit rebooters need people to look up to. You (and other successful rebooters) are basically the evidence that it is possible to get out of the chokehold of the PMO addiction.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: ruuddejong on February 03, 2019, 01:57:17 AM
Well done PE30!

Have you done a post where you outlined the changes you noticed in yourself like mental, physical or sexual? I checked a few pages of your post and saw some bits but a good summary would be great :)
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 03, 2019, 02:29:29 AM
Thanks. I don't think I can say much more than I've already said. ED was gone by day 3 or 4; impact on MH has been lifelong and scarring.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 03, 2019, 02:31:28 AM
I'm on day 190. Also now a full year and a day clean of porn.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Edit_undo on February 03, 2019, 08:31:31 AM
Congratulations on 1 year clean!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 03, 2019, 01:53:05 PM
Thank you :) the chat rooms have always been the biggest temptation so I'm looking forward to a year clean of those.

Still, this has been by far the cleanest twelve months of my adult life.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 04, 2019, 11:23:29 AM
It's day 191. Weirdly, I had some pretty intense dreams last night: one (not sexual) involving the person I had the affair with; another (a bit racier) involving chat rooms and some irl cheating (only as far as kissing but still). I wonder why these dreams still occur?

I think there is still a part of me that still grieves for my past life. Recovering from an addiction is a bit like living with brain damage: there's a well-worn groove in my brain which tries to point me down that path. I think there's always be a battle to stay clean.

I had a good time at church yesterday. The sermon was on freedom, that is provided by the grace of God. I know that in my own strength I will always fail. But grace unburdens me from the failures of the past. Just have to keep holding on to it!

We're going away in a week and half's time. That'll make 201 days chat-room free.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 07, 2019, 03:44:41 PM
Congrats on the amazing progress! It's only uphill from here!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 11, 2019, 04:50:28 PM
Day 198

Getting through the days. I've got two days of work to go - then we head down to Gatwick and then over to the USA. Can't wait. Feeling a bit nervous for some reason but I always get a bit like this before going away somewhere.

Things are generally okay at the moment. Just trying to stay healthy, not slip, be kind to others, make the most of each day.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 13, 2019, 06:11:50 AM
Day 200! It's getting to the stage where it's tricky to count the days. I know that Saturday was a day zero so I work around multiples of seven.

I'd say that the second 100 days are a lot more straightforward than the first. That's not to say it's easy: I still get occasional pangs of temptation. I have been trying to put temptation to death early and not let it germinate. I've read stuff about emotional relapse before: where you haven't physically succumbed but have spent so much time dwelling on the possibility that it's very difficult to prevent a full relapse.

I'm still praying lots, seeking God, not taking anything for granted. I can't do this alone.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Edit_undo on February 13, 2019, 10:07:25 PM
Well done on 200 days. I agree with you about the second hundred days- easier to follow a set routine than it is to make the new routines.
Enjoy your trip across the pond!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on February 15, 2019, 01:16:56 PM
Huge accomplishment! You have worked hard on making this a life change, good job! Congrats!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: imaquitter on February 18, 2019, 05:45:45 PM

I'd say that the second 100 days are a lot more straightforward than the first.

I love to hear this  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 20, 2019, 04:25:19 PM
Day 207

Halfway through our USA trip! It's hot and sunny here - there are plenty of good looking people on the beach but I'm working hard to keep my eyes honest. Having a lovely time with the family.

Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 26, 2019, 10:36:59 AM
Day 213

Just back from the USA - was an amazing trip all in all! Am very tired today as I didn't really sleep on the plane, so I do need to watch myself over the next few days to make sure that temptation doesn't creep in.

Still going.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on February 27, 2019, 04:32:10 AM
Day 214

Slept for nearly 12 hours last night and feel a bit better. Got a busy day ahead at work - first day in the office for a fortnight.

It would be easy to feel quite low following a holiday but I've got lots to look forward to - just need to remember that my mood levels are going to be a bit all-over-the-place over the next few days. Old me would have definitely indulged in some chat room or porn or something. Trying to develop a healthy hatred of that side of me.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: Georgos on March 01, 2019, 04:00:51 PM
PE, you're my inspiration to make the choice of a path away from PMO whilst keeping my experience as a learning curve. Thank you.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 01, 2019, 04:49:53 PM
Ah that's really encouraging. I want people know: it's not easy, but it is possible. I just have to make a daily choice to stay away. Today is day 216, but look back when I was on day 13 or 33 or 56 or whatever. I still have to make the same daily choice now as I have done for the past seven months.

Tbh I'm aware of how easy it would be right now to fall. But it's not going to happen because I'm not going to let it. I choose to stay close to my wife, to love God, to be a good colleague and employee. I can't beat this through the mere absence of negative. There's got to be a positive alternative,a new life to nurture.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 06, 2019, 01:23:28 PM
Day 221 I believe

Nothing really has changed. Trying to just keep on a sensible and straight path - nothing dramatic. Keeping an eye on myself when I'm tired and tempted. Not doing anything stupid. Eyes still have a slight tendency to wander but I think that's just something I need to kill off every time it happens.

Life is busy but otherwise good.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 09, 2019, 12:06:23 PM
Day 224

Feeling pretty up and down emotionally - was really happy and relaxed yesterday after a day off, but now I feel a little stressed about work and general tiredness / busyness. I could spend every hour of my day working and still not resolve everything. Life is pretty relentless sometimes.

Nevertheless I'm still clean and have been staying clear of temptation. This is 32 weeks now. Really want to mark my first anniversary in a few months time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 11, 2019, 05:49:02 AM
Day 226

Had some very intense dreams last night about the woman I was involved with a few years ago. Previously when I've had dreams they've been about how angry she is with me, but this time she indicated that she wanted me back. I think that's quite interesting: I do think there's a degree to which we're fighting this battle in a world where there are forces for good and evil, and I do think that temptation is out there, trying to dilute my will and desire to put this thing to death.

As it happens, there's no way on earth that I'd get in contact with this woman, but it's weird how these things crop up from time to time.

Life is otherwise progressing. I'm making good progress with my work, and the sun is shining outside. No particular milestones to look forward to in my reboot - I just have to take one day at a time.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 18, 2019, 03:47:46 AM
Day 233

Nothing major to report. Another week under my belt- no real desire to go back to old habits but there's still the ongoing fight against general feelings of low self worth and stress. Overall though I'm in reasonable shape.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: aquarius25 on March 21, 2019, 12:42:43 PM
Glad you are still on track. I would encourage you to reach out to your wife. Anytime you start to feel like you don't have worth look at how far you have come. Also talk with her and tell her how you are feeling. I am sure she probably has a lot of things to say towards your worth. I know that because For a woman to stick by your side means you have a lot to offer. Yes those negative thoughts are going to come but don't let them get you down because you have come a long way! You have a lot more character and are working towards becoming the person you want to be. You have over come a lot and you are doing everything you can to become a better you! That is huge and amazing. Don't discount that, instead realize just how amazing your progress has been! You got this.
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 22, 2019, 02:41:16 AM
Thank you :) my wife is amazing, she's such a rock. I'm really open to her about feeling low from time to time - I've been through counselling and CBT in the past and she's been really supportive. She's amazing and I love her loads.

This is day 237 anyway. I'm doing my usual thing of posting on a day when I know it's going to be slightly tricky for me. I didn't have much sleep last night as I had to be up mega-early for work, and I've got an afternoon at home. Probably going to have a nap when I get in. Things are otherwise okay. Have a great weekend everyone!
Title: Re: Back On The Wagon: 2
Post by: PE30 on March 25, 2019, 04:00:17 AM
Morning all

It's day 240 - I gave myself a bit of a shock over the weekend as I sailed far too close to the wind on Friday afternoon. Didn't go on a chat room or watch porn or anything but was properly properly tempted for the first time in ages. I know where I went wrong, but I scared myself.

Still on the wagon. Onwards and upwards for the week.