Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 30-39 => Topic started by: OMMS on September 23, 2017, 03:49:33 PM

Title: OMMS Journal (Obstacles Make Me Stronger)
Post by: OMMS on September 23, 2017, 03:49:33 PM
Hey all, I have been a long time NoFap / reboot-nation lurker for some time and I finally decided to join and keep a journal of my journey.

I am 38 years old and have been addicted to porn since I was around 18 years old. I never considered it a problem until around the last year which was complete hell for me. A series of 'out of my control' life events transpired back to back that left me spinning. I also had a new responsibilities at work which stressed me out to the point I was completely burned out.

I have always been someone who has been pretty ambitious and driven and to lose sight of those things made me feel like I lost myself. It was during this time I realized I increased my PMO ritual to combat the stress & anxiety. I freaked out when I realized I was developing ED from porn. I talked to my doctor about it and I was very fortunate to have one who understood the impact an addiction like this has. After seeing a psychiatrists and a slew of councillors I finally found an addiction specialist that just 'gets it'. She knew about the NoFap movement and has been very helpful in the process.

It's been one hell of a ride but I have not watched porn or masturbated for 74 days. I have had real life sexual encounters on day 34 and day 68 which resulted in orgasm. Not sure if that hindered my progress (Afterwards I felt overwhelmed by the sensation). I have heard of the chaser effect but I am not sure if I experienced that or not.

An overview of my experiences so far:
It's not all bad stuff though just a few days ago I started to laugh (It's been awhile) and it left me feeling great. I also seem to be able to communicate with people without any underlining fear or anxiety. and I had a fear of driving which now no longer bothers me. OH! and by the 4th week I gained back the ability to have erections again!! Well it's an on and off affair but definite improvements!

This whole process has taught me many things about myself, I realized I have no patience at all. If anything this impatience is making recovery harder. It's like I want to race to the finish line, and if I reach a certain day or achievement then I will be 'cured'. The hard reality I learned is this isn't a linear journey, and I think not knowing when I will feel 'myself' again was driving me crazy and fuelling depressing feelings. Being comfortable with uncertainly is something I really have to make peace with.  The idea 'no one knows' when I will recover drove me into a total panic attack/depression today. I caught my mind saying 'When will this end', 'Why me?', 'I can't do this' but I snapped out of with one of my favourite montra's: OOMS -'Obstacles make me stronger' This is truly a test of inner strength, patience, persistence and diligence.

Much more to say but this is turning into a huge TLDR. It did feel good to write this out. I'll continue more in later journal posts.