Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: zander13 on February 11, 2017, 08:40:21 PM

Title: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2017, 08:40:21 PM
I'm zander, 25 years old. I've been a porn addict for 12 years, starting off with limewire and then onto the tube sites once they became available. I have seen just about everything a guy could see when it comes to fetishes, except animal stuff, gay stuff, and and femdom. But everything else, I've seen, and I used to edge for 30 minutes at a time until climax. My pathways are deep as they come. It used to hurt to piss after my sessions.

I've had a lot of sex with girls, but I've never done it without the addiction latched onto my psyche. The first experience I had I couldn't get a boner for a bj. I was 16 years old. 16. After that I managed to lose my virginity at age 17 and have had 3 serious girlfriends and several other one nighters. But recently, say the past year, I've had next to nothing.

I've spent the last five or so years of my life with the knowledge that I had an addiction, but continuing to relapse. Not until I fully informed myself and actually read the science and watched the videos did I really start grasping what was going on, and how awful this addiction is. I hit a rock bottom of sorts, with thoughts of suicide coming popping up in my head. I never planned how I was going to do it or even fully acknowledged the idea, but the fact that the word even crept up into my subconscious was enough for me to take drastic measures. I moved into an apartment with no internet connection, got a flip phone, and started going to SA meetings. I did that for 3 months, in a brand new city, before the withdrawals really started to hit. I was more depressed than I had been in my entire life. I quit the school I was attending and moved back in with my parents. I was so scared and so anxious and depressed that I had no other place to turn. Withdrawals are no joke.

So let me reiterate. I'm 25 and living with my parents. But I've also the best I've ever been. I still have bouts of anxiety and depression and my flatline is still going strong, but I'm 167 days into this thing, and I like to believe that I can see a faint glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. Regardless, I wanted to post on this forum and spread the word. I wanted to chronicle my journey so everyone else can benefit. Because that's how I've been able to build this streak. By learning through the example of others, especially GABE DEEM. He is my hero.

It's 8:38 at night right now, and this day is almost over. But that means tomorrow is 168. And that fact alone makes me happier than anything else. It's my life's greatest accomplishment up until this point.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: D22clarka on February 12, 2017, 03:04:25 AM
Wow, 168 days! That's wonderful! I'm on day 1. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression. I know first hand the effects of both of those things. But man it sounds like you are making great strides on the road to your recovery. That's something to feel proud of! Thanks for sharing your story/progress with us! Keep us posted on how you are doing! Because it truly is an awesome thing you are doing right now. :)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Stowe2010 on February 12, 2017, 10:57:56 PM
Zander, keep up the great work! I can speak for all of us when I say that you certainly give us motivation and hope that recovery is possible. The worst thing we can do about our problems is nothing and you have proven that with the success you have had so far. Keep going strong my friend.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 13, 2017, 11:33:56 AM
Day 169

@ Stowe and @D22clarka Thanks boys. Means a lot, it really does. Nice to have such a comforting community on this forum. I want to give back as much as I can. Good luck to the both of you.

I woke up feeling more like I did as a child than I ever have before. I reached a new high today. I know that an upcoming low is right around the corner, but these occasional highs make it much easier to traverse through the lows. I totally agree with the notion that although recovery is far from linear, the trend is an upward one. There's much to look forward to, I feel as if I'm only halfway there and I already feel magnificent. To think that only 6 months ago I had the word suicide in my brain. Now my thoughts have naturally gravitated towards hope for the future, and ideas of my new life and how I'm going to go about doing it. Hell, I'm already in the process.

It's funny how in this life, you can't really force yourself to do things. I mean you can, you always can, but I've found that if you let yourself heal, healthy impulses to act beneficially for yourself come naturally. You naturally want to do productive, positive things. It's almost as if men are wired to go out into the world and succeed, so we can secure a healthy, virile mate who will help us expand our lineage. And when we're addicted up to our eyeballs, that natural inclination is removed and we feel depressed and lifeless. funny how that works right?

Anyways, I just want to say good luck to everyone on this forum and all of the other websites dedicated to stripping porn from our lives. I know how shitty it is to be a porn addict. It's the most taboo thing I can think of. If a guy is a drug addict and he heals, he's a fucking hero. No one doubts the obstacles he had to overcome. But when you tell people that you're addicted to watching girls have inexplicable things done to them, or worse, there's not much room for sympathy is there. It's a tough, tough reality to face. Because it's a lonely fuckin habit and a lonely fuckin' addiction. We mostly have to face the demons on our own, or at least that's how I thought of it. But that's not true, because places like this forum exist. With real people who's lives are so ridiculously comparable to our own. We've all read the same story a hundred times. But thant doesn't take away the individual pain each person suffers. I know all about that pain. And I want to help out as many people as I can at this point in my life, because I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. It's dreadful, but also beatable. At least so far, I still haven't made it out of the gauntlet.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2017, 08:56:25 AM
Day 170:

2 weeks until 6 months. Feeling great this morning. I wake up early naturally. I feel happy, naturally. Everything is more natural. Bad day is around the corner but I'm loving these good days, I thank God for them.

Woo!

And had a normal sex dream last night. I was the person engaging in the act, not watching someone else. Good signs all around.

Happy Valentines day, hahaha
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 17, 2017, 02:00:00 PM
Day 173

Not much to report. I've still been very up and down. The past 3 days I've been in a pretty depressed state, and that was because my body was craving porn. Craving=depression, because all the brain wants is its fix. It'll make you feel as uncomfortable as it can so you feed it what it wants. And it's a fucking strong impulse. It's goal is to catch you in an unaware state of mind. Mindless technology binging is usually how I get there. Watching youtube or reading articles I didn't intend to, one after the other. Videogames are another one. It's all kind of related anyways. It's all massive amounts of pleasure through artificial means. Rewards without effort. Clicking and button smashing. Technology is a major tool for our society, but it also is a major threat. Somedays I'd prefer a world without the internet.

Had a dream last night where I watched porn. Kind of freaked me out, but once I came to I realized it was only a dream, and that I was still okay.

Little over a week until I reach a half year mark, 7 days if I'm counting 180 days as 6 months. I still have a while to go, but the improvements are coming. Slow and steady. I'm thinking 9 months will be the length of my flatline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 27, 2017, 11:51:53 AM
Day 183

Slow and steady. Not as many changes have occurred over the past week or so, other than the fact that I made it 6 months.

I still have more bad days than good ones, but the bad ones aren't nearly as bad and the good ones are pretty darn excellent. Today, unfortunately, is a bad day, and I can tell by the brain fog and ever constant tugging feeling I am experiencing in my nether regions.

I need to stay vigilant and always be on the prowl, because the last thing I want at this point is a relapse. I never want to experience this rebooting process again. It's something that I need to experience in order to become a man, but going through it more than once would be masochistic.

I really can't wait until I'm at least a year into this journey. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I can tell I'm well on my way though.

6 months though. woo!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2017, 11:30:54 AM
Day 191

Morning would occurs more than it doesn't at this point in my reboot. I get it 5/7 days. That alone is so ridiculously encouraging to me because it is a phenomenon I never had the pleasure of experiencing the past 25 years I've been alive. It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I cannot stress enough how WORTH IT this journey is. It's hard as hell, but so fucking worth it. I feel like a real human today. I can't imagine what things will be like a year into it. I have so many things to look forward to.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 08, 2017, 10:20:25 AM
Day 14

I'm back. It's been a long road since my last post. Made it 250 days before I relapsed. Since have had streaks of 30, 60, 90, and now back to 14. I've never been closer to the finish line, but need to make sure I tie up loose ends and fix the emotional reasons why I relapse. I need to continue to build up on my values and to create a life that doesn't need the instant gratification of PMO to manage my emotions. Because that's what it turned into--a way to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

God bless everyone here, because we are the only ones who know how difficult it is to break free from this addiction. Especially when you began as a teen or younger. My parents, my friends, my brothers. they don't understand. i think they want to, but it's impossible. Only when you've gone through it can you understand the pain.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 20, 2017, 02:29:12 PM
Day 26

Feeling good. Confident about the success of this final reboot. My mind is strong and my emotions are stable. I feel as if I've slowly but surely replaced the gratification I would get from my addiction with life habits that are more productive/rewarding. It's really a matter of replacing pleasure with authentic happiness/satisfaction with life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 28, 2017, 12:41:54 PM
Day 32 or 33

Good day today. A pattern is beginning to emerge in my recovery journey. I have 4 days of good moods, decent libido, and energy/motivation. Then I'll have 2 days of cravings, which are basically withdrawals. At the end of the second day the withdrawals hit a crescendo of pain, and then fade away. I'll usually have a wet dream around this time.

Since the last time I relapsed was in the morning/early afternoon, I'll feel a craving during that time that will only last for half of the day. I'm convinced that our withdrawals/cravings are directly correlated to our relapses. Since my relationship with porn has turned into long streaks broken up by binges, the withdrawals only occur on certain days, but are very intense. Very, very intense. Mindfulness is a must for me, since being aware of the state I'm in is key in avoiding relapses. I'm pretty confident that I will defeat this thing on this streak. I've never felt closer to the finish line.

I know I have plenty of more bad days ahead, but I must take advantage of the good ones.

God bless and keep going fellas. This is the only way we can secure a normal, healthy life. There is no way around this addiction. We gotta go straight through it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 02, 2017, 03:42:25 PM
Day 37

My emotions are very topsy-turvey. I can go from feeling depressed to feeling slightly euphoric in a single day. I hope this means that my brain is on the verge of healing for good. Lord knows I've done my due diligence--I've fapped maybe 20 times, total, in the past year, and most of those faps were parts of a single day's binge.

I'm still undecided on how much relapses affect our recoveries, but I'd definitely advise avoiding them. Of course they are necessary to learning about your own weaknesses, but I'd say to be as proactive as possible when it comes to this recovery. relapses hurt. Bad.

Like I said, I hope that I'm near the end of this journey, or at least to a point where the withdrawals aren't so bad.

I think that once I hit the 3 month mark I'll be in a very good spot, but who knows for sure. This is an unpredictable process to say the least.

Good luck everyone. 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 13, 2017, 03:09:09 PM
Day 49

Still going strong. It's been an uphill battle, like it always is. Very ready for this process to be over (?), if that's ever a possibility. I just want to get to a point where I'm too happy with my current life to even think about sabotaging it, though I know that there isn't much rationality when making the decision to cave in. Life will go on.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 29, 2017, 04:01:46 PM
Day 65

Bad day today. Cycle continues. Hopefully I will bounce back tomorrow. Good luck everyone
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 03, 2018, 11:39:17 PM
Day 70

I fully realize that the number of days I have been clean from this addiction is not the most important aspect of my recovery, but as a human I'm drawn to statistics and metrics, so I'll continue to post what day I'm on because I love having some kind of anchor when it comes to this abstract disease. I need something tangible in a world of intangibility.

I had a weeklong flatline starting around Christmas Eve, and got out of it New Years Day after a night filled with odd dreams, morning wood, and another wet dream. I've had about 5 or 6 of those so far during this particular reboot.

In 2017 I'd say I relapsed a total of 20-25 times, and most of those were binges that occurred over a span of a single day. I'd say I spent 5-6 total days in the porn-induced haze. The rest have been times of abstinence. And I still wouldn't consider myself anywhere near I want to be, though I'm very optimistic about where I am right now. I've adopted a mindset that I can only describe as "willing to do whatever it takes". Cold showers, meditation, success stories, telling my loved ones about it, working out religiously. I've finally gotten to a point where I'm confident in my ability to do whatever it fucking takes. I guess I just got to a point where I hated porn so much that I could not let it fucking take another extra day from me. I'm doing my penance for all of the times in high school that I'd jerk off onto my bedroom carpet at 2 a.m.

I know that I have an addictive personality. And, sadly, I believe that it has caused this addiction to dig its claws particularly deep into my brain. But what can I do about it now besides beating it one day at a time? Nothing. That's the answer. And it has taken me years and years of failure to get to it. Some things can only be learned by doing. I'm a firm believer in that idea. Even though there are already hundreds of stories/people/accounts that are filled with the correct information, I still needed to fail in my own way before I could grasp what the successful rebooters were saying.

Gabe Deem is the fucking man. I plan on turning around an helping people just as he does, though on a much smaller scale. I truly believe that if I can help one person through the hell that is rebooting, that I've earned my keep. I would've paid thousands of dollars to find a person in real life who would take the time to walk me through this process, step by step. The first thing I would have wanted to hear is that beating this issue should be my number one priority. Above a career, above friends, above school. This thing needs to be taken care of before any real success can be had in the areas I've just listed.

The way my addiction has been going as of late is 3-5 "decent days" followed by 2-7 "bad days". Since I've already experienced 3 good ones, tonight being the end of the 3rd, I expect to entering another span of "bad days" shortly. No matter how much I try and prepare for them, I'll never get used to them. They hurt like hell every time. But I have no other choice, I need to do the best I can. I need to try and stay positive and to realize that I'm so much better off that where I was before all of this. I'm on the cusp of something great. Just need to keep going, no matter how many more days I need.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: SCHLEPenstein on January 04, 2018, 01:11:56 AM
Hey man. Just read this post. I'm looking for an accountability partner.

You got one yet?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 04, 2018, 10:52:09 AM
No I do not
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 05, 2018, 01:02:02 PM
Zander13,

Great story and remarkable work done! I commend you on your journey and the steps you've taken to beat this S.O.B. You are so correct in your statement about failure of your own. One cannot completely understand until they have tried, failed and tried again. Only this time you have the steps and the knowledge to succeed. I myself went through a similar stage and still feel I am in and out of it. The night of New Years Eve I had prepared myself for the thought of a possible overnight stay with my friend. I felt great and knew I could make it work if the time arose. When she had left that night, a sudden sadness fell over me like a weighted blanket carrying me to the bottom of the ocean and the next morning I MO'ed. This was my emotions taking control. I should have meditated and allowed myself a thought in the positive, but I acted. This past week I have been down on myself wondering what I did wrong. I allowed myself to get so excited about the possibility that when it didn't happen I was at an all time low. This is my failure.

Moving forward we need to take these experiences of "our" failures and turn them into positives and learning experiences. I have full faith in you that you will conquer this. You have the ability, knowledge and support to keep you going.

Keep up the hard work. You are already far along in your journey. Many steps forward from what once was!!

Best of luck my friend,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 08, 2018, 01:13:55 PM
Day 75

My last round of “bad days” ended yesterday in the afternoon. I expect to have 4-5 “good days” before the withdrawals hit again. It is very nice to know my addiction’s rhythm like I do. Makes it much easier to cope with everything.

Morning wood is getting more and more consistent. At around 90 days I’m going to start fully attempting to retire with a real live female speciemen. Had an opportunity to this past weekend but was weirded out by her age (21). Should’ve just pulled the trigger but what are you gunna do? It was nice to feel attracted to her, and was a huge hit in confidence. I’m getting to the point where I’m truly tuning in to the realities of life. Emotions, dreams, monetary realities are now beginning to slowly make their way into my consciousness. I expect that as I further progress I’ll begin to expend increasingly smaller amounts of energy to fighting urges. My brain will, through neuroplasticity, build larger maps for other activities besides jizzing onto my belly. Sorry for the crudeness but I felt it was warranted.

I know rewiring will be my final task, and I look forward to the process. It will be the most liberating experience of my life. I have a lot of anxiety tied into the act of sex, and a successful completion of it will do so many things for me, not the least of which being a boost in confidence that can only come with that sort of thing. It’s validation of the highest order.

So long for now my good friends. Good luck to everyone, and don’t ever get cocky about this shit (this includes me). Complacency is perhaps our number one enemy.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 11, 2018, 02:08:15 PM
Day 78

One thing I realized today was that in order to truly free myself from this mess, I need to alter the way I approach the world. I've been operating under faulty values for a while now, and not until today did I realize just how moronic the map I've been using has been, map being a metaphor for the guidelines I've set in place for how to live life in the correct way.

The most important thing I need to focus on going forward is connectivity and putting myself out of my comfort zone. I need to constantly be willing to put myself under duress, that is the only way I will grow. I need to have my worldview challenged at every turn. I need to be willing to make mistakes and to be wrong about things. I'm a perfectionist at heart, but that is no excuse to let myself be surrounded by a bubble of safety.

This has happened to me before--I find a good amount of success with a reboot and then find myself in a void of sorts. Abstaining from porn becomes easier and it no longer is an immediate threat--once this shift occurs, I no longer have a clear, definitive purpose. I'm basically on par with the rest of the world. I'm no longer as "different" as I used to be, I no longer have an excuse as to why I'm not fulfilling my potential.

I understand that I always need to be vigilant about porn, and that I'll never be allowed to view it or fantasize about it again, but it's time that I turn my attentions to al of the holes/problems/issues that have resulted from me putting all of my energies into beating this thing. I need to grow the fuck up. I need to figure out exactly what I want, what I need to do to get there, and then start taking the steps. I don't want to be a pulsating, nervy ball of unfulfilled potential. I want to be the guy that lives life to the absolute fullest.

It's going to be hard, because I think, deep down, my brain is wired to want to get home as fast as possible, be alone, and masturbate myself into an oblivion. I don't know if that will ever fully go away. But it's my job to fight that impulse and to remain out of the house. To be in front of others and to engage with the world. No more excuses man. It's time to saddle up and get after it. To take full responsibility for where I'm at and to do my best to remedy everything that has "gone wrong." I'm only 26 years old, I have time. But I don't want to waste any more of it. I have all the skills required. It's just a matter of sticking with something. Of not quitting when the going get's rough.

The more I fully engage myself in my life and with the world around me, the less I'll care about morning woods and minor withdrawals. I know this because I've been there before. I've lived hard enough to where the addiction is a minor nuisance. I don't want to downplay its potency or its danger, but I also know that as long as I take the proper steps each day, that I'm going to be fine. Most of the habits I need to beat this thing are already in place. Now it's time to focus on the other stuff.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 11, 2018, 04:09:41 PM
Full faith in you man. Keep it up. If you need anything just holler!!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 14, 2018, 01:29:39 PM
Day 81


Another day another dollar. I'm in the midst of one of my "bad days", but the funny thing about it that I don't really feel that bad. I know as the day goes on it will get worse (I think as a result of my relapses occurring at night), but compared to when I first began this final streak, my bad days aren't that bad. They really aren't. I think meditation has a lot to do with that. Meditation has been the biggest factor in my success. Scientifically, it strengthens my frontal lobes. Ephemerally, it helps me be keenly aware of my thoughts, moods, and emotions. It allows me to observe my mind from a third party perspective. Without getting too into spirituality, the idea of meditation and mindfulness has given me the gift of awareness. True awareness. I see things for what they are. Ego is ego, withdrawals are withdrawals, emotions are emotions. It all passes eventually, no mood or thought or sadness lasts forever.

I never want to get too cocky or arrogant about this addiction, because I know how powerful it is. It's better left alone--ignored. Instead of focusing on fantasies or past scenes (which rarely occur anymore), I take some deep breaths and center myself on my breath. Then I do my best to steer my head away from porn. I acknowledge it and do my best to move on. I ignore any movie or show that contains explicit material and if I do happen to come upon pornographic scenes, I either fast forward the program or turn it off immediately. It's that simple. I advise anyone struggling with this problem to think about using this method. It's all about the little things. There is no grand gesture involved when it comes to beating this addiction. It always comes down to the little things, the minor moments. Sometimes a little luck, too. This shit is so fucking powerful that even if I felt like I've done everything right, down to the last percent of a percent, I'd still, in the beginning of my reboot, feel urges so powerful that I thought I'd lose for sure. And as we all know, one loss usually equals a few others. The hardest part about getting back on the horse is getting back on the horse. But it must be done.

I've rambled and I've preached. But it helped me to read other people's successes, so I want to pass as much information along as I can. If I didn't know that other people had successfully conquered this addiction before me, I would have had a ridiculously difficult time beating it myself. Not saying that I've beaten it, I don't think I'll ever say that (I have too much respect for it's potency and persuasiveness), but yeah. Hearing about methods of success and examples of success was good for me.

On a more statistical level, I have MW almost every day of the week now. I think I've begun to tap into all of the headway I made last year (~230 days clean), which goes to show that relapses don't set you back all the way. I remember that before my relapse, I could get hard to touch alone. I'm starting to get back to that state again. Feels really good to have movement down there. It really does.

One final thing I want to add is that if we addicts want to beat this thing, we can't live life like everyone else. We can't be on snapchat, or instagram, or facebook. I mean I guess you can, but why risk it? I'd find it near impossible to beat this problem if I saw bikini shots on the regular. The internet has given us great gifts as a human race, but it has also brought on a tremendous amount of evil. Addictions are just a click away. They live in your pocket. It's our jobs to safeguard ourselves against all of the smut that lives on the web. Advertisers know how to get guy's attention, it's no secret that on any given webpage you're going to see something sexual. It's bullshit but that's capitalism for you. Doing what it takes to win the almighty dollar. I'd say it's a shitty way to run a country, but the alternatives seem even worse. Anyways, I don't want to get into politics.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot on my mind. It's going to take a while for me to psychologically recover from this addiction. It's one thing to recover erections and zest for life, it's another to get over the amount of time wasted, pain endured, and shame internalized.

The best part about beating this thing is being able to be proud of yourself. I firmly believe that. When it comes down to it, the addiction will always be a gigantic, threatening, killing machine. We just need to get big enough to defeat it. The addiction doesn't shrink, we just grow bigger than it.

Peace. And good luck to all. I truly hope everyone beats the fuck out of this no good trash.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 15, 2018, 02:40:07 PM
Day 82

Had one of the worst dreams of my life last night. It was a vivid, somewhat lucid dream where I relapsed to porn and everyone important in my life hated me for it. I felt the emotions as I was experiencing them in the dream. I woke feeling like shit, and apparently, when I relapsed in my dream, I had a wet dream in real life. So weird. Just goes to show that I'm not at the finish line yet. It still has a heavy presence in my subconscious. This addiction is so powerful it's ridiculous. And the thing is, porn is only becoming more relevant in today's culture. I think we are the tip of the ice burg when it comes to PMO addiction. There is no way that kids and teens of this era are not being affected by porn, perhaps even more heavily than us. That makes me sad to think about, but I'm definitely going to be around to help when shit inevitably hits the fan. We all know how hard it is to beat something so cunning and destructive.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 16, 2018, 09:22:18 AM
Doing great man. Keep it up. Regarding that wet dream, you saw that I posted something from the success story (6 years PMO free). There is a section that discusses wet dreams or what he calls leaking. There are Kidney qi stretching routines that are supposed to help with this kind of thing. Personally I have not experienced this as of yet. But I am going to work on these stretch moves just for the hell of it. Good to stretch anyway.

I am in the same boat as you regarding the younger generations. I am going to do what I can to prevent P from taking over. It ruined my life for a while and I am just happy I have found a path. Thanks to this forum and brothers going through the same thing.

Talk soon,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2018, 01:40:04 PM
Day 87

Had a bit of a scare last night. I was the horniest I'd been since the beginning of the reboot. I began to fantasize about girls after reading a triggering Success Story on YBOP. Honestly, I was so horny that most things were triggers. I also made the mistake of touching myself to test for erection. It came alright. Along with the familiar rush of chemicals in my brain and a thumping heartbeat.

I didn't act on anything, but I don't even want to be in those kinds of positions again. It had me texting old girls late at night and losing some self-respect. I woke this morning and felt depressed and lonely, and then I took a cold shower, got dressed up, and went outside. I feel safe now, but this experience was a kick in the nuts for me. This is exactly the time I relapsed my last reboot, and now I know why. I'm out of the worst part of the flatline. I'm becoming turned on by things, like movie scenes, suggestive success stories, and other things of that nature.

The way I'm going to approach my reboot for now on is simple. No arousal (no movies, tv, etc.), no touching of the package, and a rule that I will only spend time in my room for sleep. I get caught in these lonely trances when I spend too much time in my room. It's not good for me. I used to have the excuse of "I'm withdrawing and therefore not ready to be social", but that excuse is clearly fading. I need to toughen up for this final portion of my reboot. This is the time when I need to solidify positive sexual habits. Because last night, if one of the girls I texted came over (like how my imagination, the squirrely fuck, was picturing it) then I would've been using them for masturbatory pleasures. They would've been objects. And I would've felt immense guilt and shame right after I came.

I want to approahc this reboot from a loving point of view. I don't want to get my rocks off for the sake of rewiring, or ego-boosts, or anything like that. I want it to be meaningful. So, as of now, I still need to remain in hardmode. I'm a severe addict, and I need more time to let go of the porn-ish fantasies. Because they are still there.

If anyone has any good suggestions on how to actively rid yourself of the subconscious pull that porn has on my life, please let me know. I so badly want to put it behind me. Or at least 90% of it. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of having to worry. I just want to be a normal person. Sometimes I think that I will never get back to where I was before I started watching this evil.

Sorry I can't be more optimistic, but it is what it is. Good news is I didn't watch any P, though I do feel like I activated some of the pathways. Just like Gary, Norman Doidge, and any other well-informed anti-porn expert knows, the pathways we formed in our brains are deep. They're like heavy flowing rivers. Everything tries to flow into it. I think, for am moment there, I got cocky. I was so happy about my newfound libido that I stopped approaching my addiction as strictly. It only took a few hours for it to make its move. It almost got me I think. Thank God it didn't. Beating this addiction needs to remain my number one priority. Over sex, over ego, over everything. It will ruin me if I don't remain careful. And honestly, it's not that hard to do the things that are required of me. Just stay in public. Make efforts to be around people. For some reason, when I'm in a certain mood, doing those things seems near impossible. Our greatest fears lie in anticipation.

Peace out boys. Wish me luck on my updated journey. And good luck to the rest of you, and stay vigilant.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 20, 2018, 03:16:10 PM
Update:

I realized, with the help of my parents, that there is a reason for this addiction's hold on me. I am not well mentally. I've been avoiding this for years now, but finally the truth has pushed its way to the surface. I'm going back home tomorrow and I'm going to check into a hospital so I can figure out what's wrong with me. I think I jsut have so much pain that hasn't been addressed. There are just some things in life that I cannot fix alone. No amount of meditation, good habits, or willpower can solve problems as deep as the ones I've got.

Let this be an example to some of you: there could be problems that run deeper than just the porn addiction. I am now aware that I fall into this category. Now it's time I turn this reboot in a majorly different direction. I need to start addressing the pain and insecurities that I got going. I'm not well.

Good luck to all of you. At least I know I'll be abstaining while I'm in the hospital. I'll hit day 90 in there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2018, 03:01:25 PM
Day 90

Just got out of the hospital. Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and got bumped up to 450mg of wellbutrin. Feeling better than I have in a long time, though I'm weary of how long it will last. Still though, it's a relief to know that some of my perceived "withdrawals" were actually symptoms of depression. Sometimes I get caught up in painting my depression symptoms as withdrawals, and start obsessing about my addiction rather than the true culprit behind most of my woes. I truly believe that I took to porn so well for a couple reasons.

A.) It's a dopamine rush of the highest order, and since my brain is inefficient when it comes to dopamine, I immediately began to enjoy the newfound feelings that it brought me, probably not dissimilar to how Wellbutrin makes me feel now (at least when it's at 450mg).
B.) All of the other reasons that can be found on YBOP.
C.) Played well with tendency to isolate when I'm depressed.

You don't have to agree with my assessment. It's all personal at the end of the day. This addiction, as well as mental illness, are personal matters. In the end it's up to us to get it all figured out, and maybe some mental health professionals. So FOR ME, depression is enemy number one. I'm still going to follow all of the habits I've been using to combat my addiction as well, but I should no longer mix up withdrawals with symptoms of depression. They are totally different.

I still know that a relapse would hurt me a great deal, especially since I'm starting to get my libido back in a big way. I get erections from merely thinking about girls now. Real ones. It's almost a difficulty to stop fantasizing about real women. I kept telling myself the other day "this is what all men must deal with. Attraction to almost every girl they see. I'm going to need to learn some self-control now, but in a totally different arena."

Also, when it comes to my moods, 90 days definitely isn't hurting me. Though the majority of my depressive symptoms are caused by actual depression, I am still aware of the anxiety and depression that withdrawals cause. If I was a betting man, I'd say that the majority of relapses, especially to the uninformed soul, are caused by the severity of withdrawals. Looking back, when I first started to abstain, they'd get me every time.

Well that's it for now. I've posted a lot of opinions so take everything with a grain of salt. This is just my particular experience.

Good luck boys.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on January 23, 2018, 04:15:54 PM
Congrats on the 90 days bro. Now continue on this path and all will work out. Glad to see you were able to battle some inner demons and come out strong. I feel this reboot is more than just stopping P. It's bettering yourself in multiple categories. Keep up the good work.

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: JB1997 on January 23, 2018, 04:32:44 PM
Zander,

Congrats on reaching day 90! That's incredible about your stay in the hospital, and I think that's a very powerful thing to share with everyone on the site. I don't know what you were thinking or going through that brought you to talk to your parents and go to the hospital, but I think it is inspiring to just have the idea that anyone can reach out for help regardless of what their problems are. I think it's interesting that with each streak that you have been on you have realized there are various cycles where you have good days and bad days. How did you come to realize this? How did you pay attention enough and notice those cycles of how you were feeling during those time periods. I think that's incredible, and something that would help me a great amount. For example, knowing if I am going into a bad stretch of a few days...before that stretch starts, I think would be helpful to really just keep myself from fantasizing or viewing porn.

I'm also wondering when the waking up with morning wood consistently started for you. I'm on day 35, and I've noticed a little bit more of an erection in the mornings when I wake up, but by no means not a full erection. I also do wake up to an alarm clock. I think your story is incredible, I just read all the posts. Meditation is something that I am getting into and want to try. Do you do guided meditation? I think the most inspiring parts of your story for me are the amount of times you have relapsed, but you have stuck with it and continue on this journey. Just paying attention to how your body feels and not giving up is something that I think is incredibly powerful. I'll be sure to check this thread periodically, as I want to stay informed with your journey!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2018, 12:15:53 PM
Zander,

Congrats on reaching day 90! That's incredible about your stay in the hospital, and I think that's a very powerful thing to share with everyone on the site. I don't know what you were thinking or going through that brought you to talk to your parents and go to the hospital, but I think it is inspiring to just have the idea that anyone can reach out for help regardless of what their problems are. I think it's interesting that with each streak that you have been on you have realized there are various cycles where you have good days and bad days. How did you come to realize this? How did you pay attention enough and notice those cycles of how you were feeling during those time periods. I think that's incredible, and something that would help me a great amount. For example, knowing if I am going into a bad stretch of a few days...before that stretch starts, I think would be helpful to really just keep myself from fantasizing or viewing porn.

I'm also wondering when the waking up with morning wood consistently started for you. I'm on day 35, and I've noticed a little bit more of an erection in the mornings when I wake up, but by no means not a full erection. I also do wake up to an alarm clock. I think your story is incredible, I just read all the posts. Meditation is something that I am getting into and want to try. Do you do guided meditation? I think the most inspiring parts of your story for me are the amount of times you have relapsed, but you have stuck with it and continue on this journey. Just paying attention to how your body feels and not giving up is something that I think is incredibly powerful. I'll be sure to check this thread periodically, as I want to stay informed with your journey!

Terry Crews, that African-American actor who was in white chicks and other silly movies, and I believe was involved with Old Spice at one point, talked about how he beat porn on ESPN and shit sometime last year. He also has some youtube videos about it. What I remember from what he said was that in order to beat this thing, you have to become very aware of yourself. Very in-tune with your feelings, thoughts, all that fun stuff. For me the easiest way to do that, by far, is to meditate. My advice is to get the headspace app on your smartphone and do the guided meditations. It's nice to have someone walking you through it in the beginning because it's a weird sensation to just sit down and listen to your breath for 10-15 minutes. Once you start doing it consistently, which is easy and hard to find excuses not to, you can start doing it with others. I love meditating with someone else, it makes it so much easier. I did it with people I knew well, like my brother. They say it takes like 6 weeks for the benefits to really kick in, but you'll notice a certain calmness after the first few. And, as advertised, it get's you in tune with your thoughts, which is the most important aspect of beating this shit. It's almost like it gives you an extra minute of clear thinking before you relapse. It turns it into a choice, as opposed to something that sneaks up on you without even realizing it. Good stuff man, good for anyone too, not just red-palmed jizz fountains like us.

God speed man and thanks for commenting, no matter what people say, having people respond to your shit is a nice feeling.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2018, 12:17:23 PM
Congrats on the 90 days bro. Now continue on this path and all will work out. Glad to see you were able to battle some inner demons and come out strong. I feel this reboot is more than just stopping P. It's bettering yourself in multiple categories. Keep up the good work.

ImOnMyWay

Couldn't agree more on this being about more than just porn. That's a terrific insight that makes this addiction seem more a part of your life journey rather than one, colossal mistake that has done nothing but ruin your life.

Thanks for the post brother. You're killing it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2018, 11:54:40 AM
Day 93

Had withdrawals for only a day and a half in total. Usually it's two days and an entire morning that I have them. I don't know if it was an anomaly or if I'm just starting to really get over them. Either way, I feel great today, especially since I no longer feel depressed. It's like all of these weights that I've been lugging around with me are finally being lifted. I don't want to get too optimistic or cocky about my mental health, but I do have a right to feel accomplished that I'm approaching normalcy. And by normalcy I mean having the same shot at happiness as people who are neither depressed nor addicted to porn.

I realized today that my drive to quit has never been higher. I want it so bad. And the reason that my motivation is so high is because I've tasted what progress is like. I figured out what it feels like to have really good days. To feel happy, and horny, and in tune with the world around me. So my advice to anyone who is willing to listen is to be patient. To trust the process. Even if you don't feel any different after the first month, keep going. Maybe you feel even worse. I know I did. But that doesn't mean you should stop. Because you're going to have a really good day at some point. A day where your mind is clear and your love for the world is doubled. And when that happens, remember that feeling. Journal about it. Etch it into your memory so that when you start feeling crappy again, you'll know what you're working towards. You'll have an extra kick of motivation--real proof outside of success stories and forum posts.

Sorry to lecture but I wanted to share my insight. The closer you get to winning the more you'll want it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 28, 2018, 10:44:15 AM
Day 95

For me, the biggest challenge of rebooting has always been the complete loss of my creativity. Whenever I have quit porn for an extended period of time (as an adult), I lost my creativity as soon as I enter into the flatline. It seems that the only time I have been able to be creative was when I was still in the throes of relapse. As I've gotten older, it's only gotten worse. I lose all of it. The mind that I could once rely on to be clever and witty as hell disappears completely. My writing sounds stifled and ordinary. All of the things that made me who I was disappear. So, in essence, I lose my identity during this fucking rebooting process.

The past few days I've realized that because I feel indifferent about life while rebooting, I feel indifferent about my future. I feel stuck. I feel as if I don't want to do anything with my future. It makes me so upset to think about the amount of time I've wasted with this bullshit rather than going after my dreams of making headway into the creative field. And now, I've gotten to the point where I worry, daily, if I'll ever get it back. I've spent so much of my adult life waiting until the next day comes, so that I'll have a chance of feeling normal again. Of being able to enjoy the things that I used to enjoy.

What makes this anxiety worse is that I don't know if its my Wellbutrin that's making me un-creative, or the process of withdrawals. Or a mixture of both. All I know is that it better come back soon, because life does not seem worth it if I can't do the things that I love most in this world. I read some writing I did when I first graduated college, and was totally shocked by how good it was. Lively and funny and entertaining. Nowadays, whenever I try to write something creatively I immediately get frustrated by my lack of motivation and innovation. I'm just like everyone else now. Boring prose. Little to no humor, and the stress that accompanies those fucking stupid cunt punching inabilities. I've had it with this shit I swear to God. I know I haven't mentioned this before, because I wanted to be positive about this process, but to be honest with you, I'm angry. So angry. I'm angry at myself for getting involved in this mess, angry at the lowlife losers who take advantage of girls to make smutty, sin-riddled porn videos that zombify the masses and make good people like me depressed and disappointed with what should have been a great life. I have all of the tools, friends, family, and resources to be a success in this world. But, as of now, I'm nowhere near what I would consider success. I'm, so far, a failure. It's a fucking shame man, and rebooting seems to only make it worse. If I don't start turning it around soon, I don't what in the fuck I'm going to do. Maybe spend all my money on a trip to Europe or something. Slum it around and accumulate some experiences, so that IF my ability to be creative returns, I'll have some fodder to work with.

I saw a Noah Church video yesterday where a kid emailed him after day 90 saying he was contemplating suicide. He felt stuck and lifeless. Then, a month later, he emailed Noah again and told him that he had sex with a girl all night or something and that he considered himself cured. Hopefully something like that will happen to me. Because I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I've been mostly abstinent from porn for around 2 years. Maybe 30 days of relapse in total. I mean what the fuck? Do relapses affect me that much? My worst span of porn viewing occurred when I was 18 year old for Chrissakes. I'm 26 now, and I feel worse than I did, creatively, than when I was 18. How in the fuck does that work man? Where's the God in that? There is no God, if you ask me. He wouldn't let something like this happen to so many innocent people. How is this thing part of any plan? Please tell me because I'm interested to hear the rationale. To me, it seems as if Darwin was closest to being right about everything. We're simply a mixture of water and atoms. And because of the way we've adapted, things like video games and porn are too much for some people to handle healthily.

I'm going to take a break from this forum for a while, because I want to come back with some good news. Something that will once again light the flame of hope within me. Because without my ability to write stories, poetry, and other shit, I don't want to be a part of this world. I mean I don't think I'll ever kill myself, but I'll resent the world for robbing me of my reason to be hopeful and excited.

Sorry for the negativity but this is actually once going on inside of my head.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 03, 2018, 04:57:00 PM
day 101

Came out of a flatline several days ago. Now am better than ever. More proof that this stuff really works.

God bless and good luck
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on February 06, 2018, 08:48:03 AM
Keep it up my friend. More good to come. I love that feeling when you wake up and feel like everything is just great. Flatlines come and go, but managing them is key. Knowing the cycle and understanding yourself will make you feel better. Over time this will become just another thing we tackle in the thing we call LIFE!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 08, 2018, 08:29:23 PM
106

Might be back in flatline--don't know yet. Regardless, had 6 or 7 good days in a row. Most ever. Need to remain vigilant and to continue to solidify good habits!

Here is a great site that will help anyone struggling with this stuff. Take a look.

https://fightthenewdrug.org/blog/
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 11, 2018, 06:20:51 PM
Day 109

Still feeling good. At a point where I'm going to start actively pursuing girls. I need to start wiring my brain back to real women. No more excuses about that. I want to start building a new database of experiences with real women--add fodder for dreams, erections, etc. Not saying I think of girls as fodder, but you know what I mean. I want to truly move on from PMO, in every way.

Focusing less on the minor details of the reboot and just taking life day by day. My moods are much better overall and I find myself being interested in real life again. This makes it easier to not obsess about things.

Good luck everyone
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 12, 2018, 11:10:20 AM
Day 110

Think I'm in another flatline. So hard to tell these days. Had a wet dream last night but it was a porny one. I'm quitting video games for good, I definitely have a slight addiction to them as well. When I was in high school my routine was smoke weed, porn, video games, more porn. I've cut weed out and cut porn out. Now I need to get rid of video games for good. F A P. Fun, active, productive. Gabe Deem said it all. Check out his post in success stories if you haven't, he has one of the healthiest mindsets about this I've ever read/seen.

Edit: Hard work is required. I need to actively rewire my brain to F A P activities in a major way. Once weather get's better I'm going to make a point of hanging out in nature.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 11:33:51 AM
Day 112

Had a very realistic dream where I relapsed. I even felt the surge of dopamine before I woke up. My subconscious is still under fire. I believe the reason for this occurrence was because I've been watching more movies, trailers, etc. with racy shit in them. I've also been reading a book that has some sexual stuff in it. I need to quit all of that shit right now before it's too late. I feel good about where I'm at, but I CAN NEVER GET COCKY. I need to remember how insidious this shit is. It'll sneak up on you so quick. Meditation and mindfulness are key, I need to refocus my energies on those two things.

Besides all that, I actually had a good night last night and a good morning. My moods are unpredictable as is my junk, but I see that as a sign of the pendulum swinging back and forth until it finally rights itself.

I plan on going back to grad school in the summer, which leaves roughly 4.5 more months of reboot time before I start putting myself under more extreme stress. At some point I need to just get back out there and live life. The school is in a big city, and I hope that'll help wire my brain. I think it will. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN DO is to avoid relapse and to continue to build good habits. Mindfulness being the most important.

One last note: I started to get a little creativity back these past few weeks, and as a result I turned creative writing into my top priority. I partially blame this shift in priorities for my recent mistakes. I'm just not ready to shift focus away from this addiction yet. I need it to remain my number one focus. If I ignore it, it creeps up so fucking fast it's unreal. Which makes me question my decision to return to grad school, though I do not know how I'll be in 4 months time. Things change so much during the rebooting process, literally no day is the same as before. It's the most destabilizing thing I've ever experienced in my life. ZERO consistency from day to day. None. I want to beat this shit so fucking bad I can't even tell you. It's the hardest thing I'll ever face in my life. I truly believe that, and if I can get over it, then I'll literally fear nothing this world has to offer.

Anyone out there having a tough time gathering a streak, you need to convince yourself of how serious this addiction is. Don't make it an afterthought, or it will continue to wreck you.

I know I'm an extreme case because I have an addictive personality, and that I started way too young. I began using PMO as a way to deal with my emotions, and once you start doing something like that, addiction really sinks its teeth into you. Some of you may not be as severely addicted as I am. If that's the case, then you can ignore my bitching about how bad it is. I have an artist's disposition, and because of that, I'm a little more emotional than other people. And shit just affects me more.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: djh590 on February 14, 2018, 12:29:18 PM
hey man congrats on your on your 112 days thats a big deal especially in your case.  Its almost impossible for people not afflicted with this terrible addiction to know what we are going through.  It takes a real strong person to make it as far as you have man.
Stay strong, we will overcome this!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 10:24:16 PM
hey man congrats on your on your 112 days thats a big deal especially in your case.  Its almost impossible for people not afflicted with this terrible addiction to know what we are going through.  It takes a real strong person to make it as far as you have man.
Stay strong, we will overcome this!

Thanks chief. Good luck to you too man, thanks for reaching out. I wish you all the best!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 14, 2018, 10:24:58 PM
Guys check this out:

https://www1.cbn.com/cbnnews/entertainment/2017/may/chris-rock-joins-hollywood-a-listers-getting-real-about-porn-and-its-damaging-effects

Maybe news is finally starting to spread. Sad that it takes "stars" for it to garner attention, but a win is a win.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 15, 2018, 03:17:39 PM
I've been saying this a lot lately but give some thought to reading some books dedicated to self help. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle has been huge for me and I haven't even finished it yet. Also, Breaking the Cycle was important for me when I first got my foot in the rebooting door.

I'm also a big believer in exercise, meditation (I prefer guided meditation at the moment because my mind is noisy most days), yoga, and creative endeavors. Yoga is especially helpful in my recovery. Besides that it can be a good social outlet with no social commitment. Talk with people after class if you feel like it, grab your mat and run if you don't.

Find things that work for you and try to bring mindfulness into everything you do.

Good luck, I'll keep rooting for you. Awesome job so far!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 16, 2018, 10:16:24 AM
Day 114

Out of yet another flatline. Had morning wood two days in a row and feel almost completely in tune with life/my personality/sexuality. Starting to really get back to my old self. I want to remember this moment so that the next time I go through a 7 day flatline I’ll know that there is a light at the end. Our brains are very good at making us think otherwise during times of flatlines/cravings.

One massive observation about rebooting in general: the reboot is harder than the addiction. You get worse before you get better. As an addict I could make it through life, work, marginally succeed in school. But while rebooting, there have been times when I felt like the world was caving in. A lot of times. And I’m still not done. So keep in mind, if you have a severe addiction you will experience some shit times while rebooting. But you’ll also have times when you feel like you did as a young kid. And you’ll have no more shame, guilt, anxiety, and darkness in your soul. You’ll struggle mentally but feel increasingly better fundamentally. It’s weird but I can’t describe it any other way. You really have to EARN the pride that comes with abstaining. And, though I can’t speak from experience, this will all gradually fade to a whimper, and we will no longer have to worry about ED or anxiety or any of the other crap that comes with a reboot. It will never disappear fully, but I can’t see a reason why we can’t all end up like a Gabe deem.

Stay vigilant friends. Never let our guards down.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 18, 2018, 12:43:21 PM
I had a recent stint with medications that put me in a funk of sorts. I'm on antidepressants (450mg of Wellbutrin), and yesterday I forgot to take the last 150mg of the total 450mg. For those of us who know how antidepressants work, especially what happens when you miss a day, you know how shitty that is. I was feeling downright catastrophic. And then I realized two things at once. One: that I'd forgotten to take one of my pills --and-- Two: Because I was so neurochemically down in the dumps, I was craving porn for the majority of the day. Which was a huge insight for me. This depression is at the root of the addiction. I must've started compulsively using because of the imbalance in my brain. This might sound like common sense, but it's one of those conclusions that you have to come to on your own. Reading it or hearing it just isn't enough. I have to live it.

I feel encouraged that as long as I do the things that are required to deal with my depression, this addiction will be more easily managed. Those were the strongest cravings I've felt in a long time, and they were directly correlated to my low levels of dopamine (Wellbutrin is a dopamine uptake drug). Since I've already had so many streaks, several of them being 90 days or longer, I am really starting to think that I'm closer to the finish line of rebooting than I initially thought. All the hard work I've already put in was not totally in vain.

Now I know that there is never a true "finish line", but I feel encouraged that I'm over the biggest hill, so to speak. Good days will continue to get better, bad days will lose their bite, and, hopefully, I'll get my creativity back in full force. I can't wait to start writing every day again. Or drawing. Or just being clever in simple conversations. Once I get those traits back, and on a consistent basis, then I'll know that I'm "factory reset", or close to the point I was at before all of the porn I've watched was downloaded into my brain. It'll be like a computer without the virus (or at least that's my hope). My ultimate goal is to meet the kid that I was before all this happened. The kid who read compulsively, who approached the world with wonder, and who loved people unconditionally, and wasn't afraid to be who he was.

Sappy stuff, I know, but now is the time for me to be sentimental. These are momentous times in my life, the kind that will heavily impact my future.

Good luck to everyone who's struggling. I know how hard it sucks
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on February 19, 2018, 01:08:32 PM
Nice work on persevering through those urges and coming out of it clean. Takes guts and discipline to do that and you've proved it. Keep up the hard work man. You're doing great!

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 19, 2018, 06:10:33 PM
Thanks buddy.

Day 117

My Wellbutrin is now having adverse effects. I got used to the 150, got used to the 300, and now am used to 450mg. It’s like PMO-what once helped me treat my depression has now turned against me. Going through a rough time right now. Mental illness is no joke man. It’s brought me to my knees
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 20, 2018, 12:39:33 PM
Day 118

Spoke with my psych and have a plan moving forward. Going to go off antidepressants for a trial run to see where I’m at without any. If my mood starts to dip all I need to do is call the guy and he’ll send a 10mg script to my pharmacy right away. I already feel better after not taking 450 Wellbutrin but I have a long way to go. PMO wise I feel confident as ever. Boners through sensation on good days, which happen more frequently than bad ones. Only thing I have to fear are the occasional week long flatlines. I’m expecting one to arrive within the next 7 days but who knows. I’m in uncharted territory. If I can get my mental health figured out I’ll be firing on all cylinders. I just can’t wait to have some sex and write some decent stories. Maybe play some more soccer and basketball and go out more socially. I’m planning on returning to advertising school soon and finishing my portfolio in Chicago. If I have the confidence that I can be okay mentally that’s my plan for the future. A big city like that would be so fun for a younger guy like me who has rediscovered what an erection feels like. Don’t want to get too idealistic though...I still have some work to do.

Such are the ups and downs of addiction and mental health. Good luck to everyone, beat this fucking thing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 22, 2018, 07:35:54 PM
Day 120

4 months. Boners have been a major theme of the past several days, which is a miracle in and of itself. Also feeling good mood-wise since I stopped my medication, though I'll continually be on the lookout for a rebound depression. If so, I have a 10mg lexapro script locked and loaded. Feeling good about where I'm at right now. Might have a few more flatlines before the final curtain falls, but I truly believe that I'm over the hump. I've been through the worst of it. Now it's a matter of continuing to solidify good habits and to begin to build the life that I've always wanted. Step by step baby.

To be fair, I have good news today, but who really knows what tomorrow will bring.

Good luck to everyone, I see that a lot of new people have joined up. Good for you guys
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: whereismoxy on February 22, 2018, 08:19:22 PM
congratulations zander!  i am very happy to hear that you made it out of the "fog" keep striving & updating us along the way. 

congrats!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: chiefmitch88 on February 23, 2018, 10:06:28 AM
4 months is Awesome!! Sounds like it's paying dividends. Be proud of yourself. I'm rooting for you!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 23, 2018, 10:41:45 AM
chiefmitch--thanks man. Good luck to you!

121 days

Flatline rode in this morning. Going to watch it like a hawk. Pissed that it's here but happy that my brain has even more room to heal itself (hopefully that's what's taking place).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 25, 2018, 12:38:53 PM
123 days

Already out of the flatline. Morning woods and erections to sensation. Need to stay strong because I'm feeling horny and am having trouble not testing myself for erections.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: fivestackedcars on February 25, 2018, 06:07:10 PM
Zander, this is real inspiring. Seems like you're pretty close to being able to put it behind you. Keep strong, can't wait to be where you are.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: matter15 on February 27, 2018, 11:25:42 PM
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.

Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 28, 2018, 01:19:39 PM
@fivestack

thanks man!

Day 126

Woke up with no MW, shrunken junk and brain fog. Hoping this one lasts only a day or a couple days at most. If not gunna have to roll with the punches. I'm very close man, I can taste it. The pendulum is having shorter swings, meaning that I go from one extreme to the other fairly quickly, as opposed to week long flatlines followed by weeklong horny days.

I will say that I have more good days than bad at this point, or at least in the last 30 days. My dick, even in a flatline, is close to being functional. On normal days I can get erections through sensation. My MW is still hit or miss, but the last one I had lasted the entire morning, I could feel it in my sleep. Days I have MW are usually my better days. There's nothing like waking up to a boner after spending so many years without it.

Still not finished though, my moods are very up and down and I'm still having some trouble sleeping. By six months I'm going to feel completely ready to take on the world. And just to clarify, though I live with my parents I've been a public accountant for 2 years and have had many jobs in between. Honestly, life did not become unmanageable until I started to reboot. Sadly, during a reboot, life get's worse before it get's better.

The way I would describe the journey (for the guys who started in their formative years) is this: we began to use porn to deal with emotions, which caused addiction. It started innocently enough, but then we began turning to it all the time. As we grew up it, without us knowing, became a crutch that helped us get through life. Life, though full of shame and anxiety, was manageable for a while. Hell, I made it all the way through a difficult college program while addicted. But, as I got into my early 20s, the addiction started to turn on me. It became more painful to jerk it than to not jerk it, if you know what I mean. No longer did I feel any sort of calm after I PMO'd. I went straight into low dopamine mode.

The first step was stopping. First 30 days were fine. I was my old self but without the shame of porn. I could be creative, talk to people, be my normal self for that first month. And then the flatline hits. Or withdrawals. Or whatever you want to call it. And you lose your personality and zest for life. You lose whatever smidgeon of your dick you had left too. And you feel pretty miserable. You feel like you don't know yourself, your body, or even your sexuality. It all seems to evaporate. You get depressed because of a lot of reasons. No dick, no personality, no natural drive. It's tough man. Most people fail at this point. They panic. I've been there. Life is tough during the 60-xxx mark.

But then, depending on a multitude of variables (when you started, how often you did it, what kind of vids, fetishes, death grip, anxiety-producing scenes) you'll begin to regain some of your old self back. The old self that you hadn't seen since you were a kid. But he doesn't come back all at once. He comes back in snippets. In old memories, glimpses of old emotions. You'll start getting some morning wood, a few night boners. You'll have days where you feel amazing, untouchable. And the roller coaster will continue on--high hills followed by low valleys. And each time you enter a hill, it's usually taller than the one before. And then, once you really start breaking away, the ride get's flatter. There aren't as many hills or valleys, because you're already so high up. And then--who the fuck knows. Because that's where I'm at right now. I'm assuming that everything will slowly smooth itself out. I'll no longer have to wake up and analyze my dick/mood/motivation. I'll just be able to be a normal person, with normal emotions and a normal dick. I'll, in essence, be like everyone else who isn't an addict. And that's all I want. I'll cherish that shit man. The one good thing that will come out of this massive problem of mine is the realization of how shitty life can really be, and how happy I should be just to know that I have a fair shake at life. that I'm able to experience all of the joys and wonders of the planet. And most of all, so that I can become intimate with a lady and have my own built-in support system. I'm tired of sleeping by myself man. It's fucking lonely.

Didn't plan on writing all of that but I guess I had some shit on my chest. This has been one wicked, terrible, weird, inspiring ride. I don't want to go through it again, but maybe one day I'll be thankful for having experienced it. Who the fuck knows. I just need to to continue to be vigilant and not let my newfound confidence get the best of me.

For those of you who believe yourselves to be the hard cases, know that there is some hope. It's taken me about two years of rebooting, with very few relapses throughout (5 or 6 days total of relapses maybe), to get to the point where I'm at right now. 2 fucking years. And I'm still not finished yet. But I'm close man. And I fucking deserve it. Fuck porn. It wrecked a huge chunk of my life. I will not let it get to me again. I fucking hate it. I cannot forget all the pain. I cannot forget the lost sleep, anxiety, shame, failed sexual attempts, loss of self-esteem, inability to make more friends, and about a million other things I probably missed out on because of porn. It's evil for a guy like me. Pure evil.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on February 28, 2018, 01:30:18 PM
I am in your situation also, I have a really bad porn addiction, where my MO started since first grade, found a P comic in the middle of the road when i was about 8 - 10 kept it 24 years old right now living with parents because I am to depressed to even pursue a big boy job lol or whatever you wanna call it. basically I dont even wanna touch down there unless its for sex, which I have to use viagra for because PIED I do get horny alot but I do need physical stimulation for anything to start working, do you have this also? it sucks im on day 3 honestly i have that really bad back pain that I just want to go away also, and i don't sweat no matter what I don't know if that has to do with any of the hormonal imbalances that PMO has caused.


Im also taking these supplements:

LiverAid by Liver rite
DIM
DHEA
Multi vitamin
Fish Oil
Iron
Vitamin C
Mucana pruriens
ashwaghanda
magnesium

All in hopes of a speedy recovery, I also have really bad brain fog.


Hey man. Thanks for the post. Brain fog is the fucking worst. Kills your mind.

What I suggest you do is read stuff. Read, read, read. Knowledge is power. distance yourself from the addiction and start treating it like diabetes or something.

Also, acknowledge how addicted you are, how uch it has affected your life, and begin treating it like I said before, as a disease. Cancer even. Because it's no too dissimilar. It'll wreck your life if you let it. Make rebooting your #1 priority and don't worry about anything else. Tell people about it. Get it off your chest. Took me 6 months to get to the point where I would tell someone about it, but the sooner the better.

The toughest part of this addiction is realizing how much of a grip it has on your life. Chances are, it dominates both your subconscious and your conscious minds. It has its claws in your brain. It's a fucker man, but people need to realize that if they're on this website that their lives have gotten to a pretty bad place. Realize the gravity of the situation and treat it like it's life or death. That's my number one advice.

Good luck man, I hope you and everyone else struggling beats this shit. It's robbing kids of their youth and no one in the world has the balls to talk about it except a few brave souls. Too bad it's such a taboo subject. It's like the perfect crime.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 04, 2018, 10:36:49 PM
Day 130

Been in a flatline still. Hoping it ends soon. It's weird though, because I felt pretty receptive to life today and had about 8 hours of libido before it disappeared. This process is so non-linear that it's tough to decipher what's really going on. Only time will tell.

I know that I'm close though, I can feel it. I have good days all the time, and I get erections more than I ever have before in my adult life. I have random bursts of happiness that can last for days. So fucking close man. I'm going to roar like a lion when I get rid of my flatlines for good. Might not be for another 100 days or something, but I'm going to roar nonetheless. Beating this will be a huge fucking accomplishment, the biggest I've ever had. And the most meaningful, because without getting through this initial obstacle, I'll never be able to overcome any others. This addiction robs me of my true self. It rips my soul out. Truly. No bullshit. It steals my emotions, my self-esteem, everything. It's life and death. Difference between eyes that are open and eyes that are half shut. Fuck this bullshit. I'm ready to sync up with life for good and to leave PMO addiction in the fuckin dirt where it belongs.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on March 05, 2018, 07:57:52 AM
Keep on trucking man. You're doing awesome! Flatlines are a real B****. I feel the same way as you and I'm a year in. I have really great days and some really down days, but we learn to deal with them without reaching for P like we once did. That in its self is an accomplishment. We need to keep telling our selves that.

Good luck brother,

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 05, 2018, 04:44:50 PM
@iminmyway thanks man.

Day 131

Flatline will not go away. Sometimes I think that I’ll never fully recover from this nonsense. I hate it all with a passion.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 06, 2018, 12:17:13 PM
Day 132

Out of the flatline. Just like that. Feeling great today.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 07, 2018, 05:41:58 PM
Day 133

Thought about downloading dating apps. What a dumb idea. Why the heck would I risk all of the work I've done for something as silly as bumble? Thank God I didn't.

I need a change in my life. I'm stagnating. I'm excited to move to a bigger city and begin building an adult life for myself. I need to continue to focus on self improvement in the meantime, and to make more attempts to socialize. I keep getting caught up in this thought that our generation is un-social and that most people feel exactly like me. That's probably not correct and I need to stop generalizing. People my age still go on dates and go skiing and bike riding and all that other shit. It's just harder as you get older. I'm no longer young enough to spend all my time dicking around with friends. This is the time in life when people find serious partners and begin to build relationships and lives with said partners. That's the end goal for me. To get to a point where I feel both ready and confident enough to begin an adult relationship with a respectable woman. Considering the fact that I'm an introvert (except when drunk), I'm going to need to start putting myself out there more. Right now I just don't have enough accomplishments/self-esteem to naturally feel inclined to approach women. I'm fragile as fuck. My ego is shattered. I'm just learning how to live a shame-free life. More therapy along with more socialization is what I need. And to not grow impatient. Sex will come. I've waited this long for my reboot to start making me feel whole again, I can wait another several months before I copulate with a chick for fuck's sake.

It's the loneliness that get's me man. As time goes on, and as I begin my career in a larger city, most of these issues, hopefully, will slowly work themselves out. I need to bide my time and to learn patience.

Finally, I need to sit down, once I'm really feeling good, and lay out a plan for my life going forward. I need to decide what's important to me, what I want to accomplish, and to begin setting achievable goals. I don't want to rush this process because I'm still in flux as far as moods and libido are concerned, but I am getting closer to being in a place where I can make thee kinds of decisions and have confidence in them. As I return to the person who I used to be before all the porn took over, I'll have an even clearer sense of who I am and what I want out of life. And that will be the sticking point. Having the balls to go after those things. Working hard to achieve the life that I believe I deserve. That'll come with time. And vigilance.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 09, 2018, 11:17:01 AM
Day Who Gives A Shit


Switched antidepressants and I just have to say...I’m back motherfuckers. I’m my old self. Porn is a tiny blip on the radar. Consider this my success story. I’m never looking back. Turns out my real issue was a lack of Lexapro in my life. Best I’ve felt in eons. God bless America.

Victoryyyyyy! (Johnny Drama voice)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 20, 2018, 08:40:31 AM
Day 147

I will eat crow and say that though I feel much better mentally, I still experience flatlines that knock my socks off (in a bad way). When I'm not flatlining my mood is great and I feel like a normal, happy person. But when I'm flatlining, like I have been the past 5 days, I feel like shit. Nothing in life is pleasing. No joy is derived from anything. No creativity, no ambition, no nothing. It's a horrible feeling.

The past two months have been ridiculously predictable. I have 9 good days followed by 6 bad ones. Without fail. 9 days of libido followed by 6 days of flatlines. Anyone else experience this phenomenon? And if so, when does it go away? I have to admit that every time I emerge from a flatline I do feel a little bit more confident in my abstaining goals, but still. It's such a pain to build momentum if life during the good days only to see that momentum totally disappear when the flatline comes. Life is not easy as it is, and when shit like this occurs every other week I can't see how anyone would excel in anything. I'm just tired of planning my life around this addiction. I'm getting fed up with it. I hate the idea that I'm wasting days of my life, but when I'm flatlining, all I do is count down the hours until the next day. I wait. I've tried fighting it but there is no use. You can't will your way out of withdrawals. They disappear when they want to disappear. For whatever weird fucking reason, mine decide to leave after 6 days. Every time.

When using the term flatline, I feel as if there is a misconception in this community. Flatline seems like a broad term. For me, flatlines are a time of lifeless penis and depression. It's also a a time of craving, in a very weird way. I don't have a normal libido that is attracted to real life partners. It's a libido for porn. My brain wants porn, and it's willing to make me feel like ass in order for me to cave in and feed it what it wants. That's how I describe flatlines. It's a time when my brain is doing all it can to get me to relapse. It makes me feel depressed, anxious, alone, afraid, hopeless. It also removes motivation, ambition, creativity, happiness, and my dick. That thing just sits there like a soggy noodle.

My flatline times are also times when I have a little bit of semen-y stuff come out when I take dumps, and is the timeframe when I am susceptible to nocturnal emissions, usually stemming from a porn-like dream where I relapse to porn in some way shape or form. My dreams in general are shitty during the flatline, but these ones are the worst. I have one about once a flatline, and I always wake up feeling like I relapsed.

I do think that each flatline has been a little tiny bit better than the one before, but we're talking fractions. Not until they go away for good will I consider myself a normal person. For now, I'm still an addict, and porn, obviously, still has a hold over my subconscious mind. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'm a severe case, which sucks so much testicles. I'm so fucking sick of this horse shit. The next generation is totally fucked man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: ImOnMyWay on March 20, 2018, 09:20:47 AM
Zander13,

I feel your pain man I really do. I understand the feeling you're having. A feeling of when will you get better. When can you live a normal NO P life. A life filled with excitement for a woman again. This addiction to (A DOPAMINE HIGH) is a real bitch. But read some more success stories and really search for one that speaks to you. Take a look at my last three posts in my journal. I posted a link to a journal that is so incredible. I mean life changing and inspiring.

I myself am a worst case scenario.  :-\  I've been like this my whole life in just about everything. I was born a large problematic baby and my parents were told I would never reach 5 feet due to a stunt growth problem. I am 6'3"! I struggled in school as a kid and my parents were told I would never go to college nor find a good paying job. I wound up on the honor roll in high school then excelling in college making the deans list. I worked my ass off to find a job. I worked in ditches for years and now run a multi-million dollar construction business. I also never had a lot of friends. I was the geek in high school that never had a GF or a group to hang with. Now, I have more friends and people I care about than I ever thought possible. And I had some pretty amazing GF's. All pretty hot too. HAHA.

You want to know how I, WE get there...... WE PERSEVERE. WE TELL OURSELVES WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH. WE WORK OUR ASSES OFF AND WE WIN. WE WIN!!!!!

This holds true in this reboot. Stick with it. Read some success stories. Post on my journal and I'll respond to help and vise versa. We will succeed my friend. We will.

Keep it up and good things will happen.

ImOnMyWay
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on March 20, 2018, 11:27:11 AM
Reading this topic really helps me not to give man, keep it up. Gives me so much motivation not to relapse as I'm on day 45 rn in a flatline but somehow I'm still craving p. So far my fetish has disappeared,thank God. I also know what to expect since I started following your story. Thank you man,much love!.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 21, 2018, 11:41:44 AM
@Imonmyway

Very uplifting

@Jones

Good to hear man. Thanks for commenting, means a whole lot. Made my day to read that.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 22, 2018, 06:20:17 PM
Can anyone else describe what their flatlines are like? Emotions, etc. Thanks!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on March 26, 2018, 04:30:33 PM
Now that I have the correct anti-depressants working for me I've found that there is only one more step to a complete recovery: rewiring. I've said this before but after doing some reading and soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that my brain needs a kick in the dick. I need to replace my relationship with porn. I need to wire myself to women. Real boobs and butts. I don't think my recovery is going to get that much better until I start rewiring.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on March 26, 2018, 07:48:45 PM
Facts
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 16, 2018, 05:43:52 PM
Been on a string of 14 days followed by relapse. Currently back on the wagon. 21 days in.

Confident that this is the final time. On an antidepressant, using an amazing recovery workshop, and am very aware of myself/emotions.

Tough to relapse but the key is that I learned from it. The only time I fap is to deal with difficult emotions. Now I know that.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on June 19, 2018, 05:39:33 PM
Day 24

Been in an eight day flatline. Needless to say it hasn't been easy. Pretty upset with myself for relapsing and putting myself through this process again, but I guess I had more to learn before I could succeed fully.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 09, 2018, 01:26:22 PM
Day 44

Hopefully at the tail end of a second flatline. I'm now absolutely positive that though relapses set me back, there has been a cumulative effect over the past ~3 years of nofap. I've had streaks of just about every number. Highest was 220, second highest was 150, third was 120. The point is, for someone like me who used PMO as a way to deal with negative emotions, the habit was deeply ingrained. It has taken me three solid years of Nofap for me to be where I'm at. My confidence has never been higher, and I feel as if a healthy libido is right around the corner. My dreams, finally, no longer involve porn. My psyche has taken a turn towards reality. Porn scenes rarely, if ever, pop up in my head anymore.

Abstinence definitely helps with PMO. It's a must. But I've also become a much stronger, fuller person throughout my journey. I've grown as big as the problem. It's no longer some mysterious monster. It's just a tool that I used to manage my emotions. Something that I could rely on to numb me out. Make all the feels go away.

I'm in the midst of a 24 hour fast, just another one of the many habits I've accumulated throughout the journey. Meditation, cold showers, list of values, working out, reading. I'm almost to the point where I see my addiction as a blessing. It's turned me into someone who is much stronger than most of my peers. I don't even have to try and appear confident, I AM confident. And once the flatlines go away I'll be one of the only guys out there who can enter a social situation as a NORMAL MALE with a NORMAL LIBIDO. I imagine it'll be pretty spectacular--not being an afraid little boy when a girl walks in the room.

Can't wait to feel that natural, emotional attraction. Haven't had it since I was about 12 years old. Bring on the feels, and the boners, and the things that I get to look forward to since I've never experienced them before, such as a real relationship with a loving partner.

I have about 2 or 3 days left on my flatline (if history is any indicator). Can't wait to see where things will go from there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 17, 2018, 12:09:25 PM
Day 52

Been a fairly shitty past couple weeks. Had more bad days than good. Hopefully things will start to get better.

Each time I relapse, the severity of the relapse has shaped how much pain I endure during rebooting. Not that I plan on relapsing ever again, but I just want to inform people about it. If you relapse, don't binge man. The withdrawals equal how much chemicals you put into yourself during a binge. The higher the high, the lower the lows. Especially when you haven't done it in a while.

I'd equate porn addiction to drug addiction. For sure. The amount of pain I've experienced is out of this world. Emotional, psychological pain. All in the name of disgusting, diabolical, sinful horse shit known as pornography.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Stiffy on July 21, 2018, 04:16:47 AM
Don’t stop man. I went ~20ish days this go round then relapsed. Now almost 4 days into it after that. I’m not looking at this as an all or nothing type of thing like I did in the past and tend to do with most things. It’s a cumulative healing in my book. That’s not to excuse relapse as I’m trying to avoid it at all costs. Taking more and more precautionary measures as I go along and the opportunity comes up.

Anyways, I was having a difficult time and found your journal. It has inspired me for the night. Thank you brother.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on July 30, 2018, 12:05:15 PM
@Stiffy

You're right. You're totally right. My healing has been an accumulation of 3-4 years of work. Since I was watching weird shit at high rates when I was most vulnerable (14-18), it has taken me a long time to get to the point that I'm at today. It's definitely been an accumulation. I've actually gotten to a point where porn no longer invades my dreams at night. It's as if I've slowly scrubbed it away from my subconscious. I'm very proud of that fact, though always weary of a relapse.

It's day 64 I believe. Or maybe 65. I have an excel calendar that I've used for the past ~3 years to keep track of moods, flatlines, etc., and I unfortunately don't have it in front of me right now.

I do honestly feel as if if I'm close to being a complete success story. I've regained some trust in myself, which is a totally new feeling for me. I still have a long way to go though.

For me, true healing was about becoming much more in tune with my emotions/moods/thoughts. It was about learning who I was as a person, and why the addiction had grown to what it had become. I was hiding myself behind it. And then, when I wanted to get rid of it, my brain had a very hard time letting go. It was deeply ingrained in my psyche. Still is, probably always will be, but nowhere near as much. I'm finally able to think about Life (with a capital "F") things, like money, career, ambitions, relationships. All very new experiences for me. I had no idea how much headspace/energy I'd been using on trying not to PMO. On ruminating about all the time I'd wasted, flatlines, penis issues, etc.

I no longer wish to be PMO free so I can screw hot chicks, or to get constant erections all the time. That stuff is nice to have, and it's definitely a good feeling to get a boner that you haven't seen since before high school, but all that is secondary to the idea that I'm a more rounded, mature person. I know myself. At least a little bit. I'm starting to figure out who I am and where I fit into this world. I've started building some values, though I'm still not stable enough for them to be that specific.

Authenticity is something that's at risk in today's culture. I truly believe that. And the reason I know is because the more authentically I act, the more uncomfortable people can be. People do not value emotions or love anymore. It's all about the status. The likes. The boobs. The power. It's sad, it does nothing other than make me sad--and worried about the future.

Technology has brought us a lot of good things, but I'm afraid that part of our humanity has been lost in the ether. Things like porn, and instagram, and all that nonsense are not good for us. They're just not. They devalue the singularity of humans on an individual basis. Technology has made us try and quantify the human soul. People are more than just a series of 1's and 0's, and no computer or camera or app or any of that crap could every come close to pinpointing what each member of our human race is about. We are infinitely complex, and in a very beautiful way. So learn to embrace yourselves. To accept the fact that we are flawed. And that the flaws are what what's good about you. The more intricate you are, the more interesting. Technology has taught us to hide our intricacy, and that's a recipe for disaster. Things like trump getting elected are only a by-product of what has been happening to our culture.

Sorry for the epic rant, but I want to start spreading some opinions that are in favor of treating people like people. Of valuing authenticity and creativity and emotions. We need to get in-tune with ourselves. To test the waters a little. Try on different hats.

Rant finished.



Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 01, 2018, 03:00:29 PM
Day 67

I'm in a terrible flatline. Feel like dogshit. Cannot fucking wait for this to be over. I don't ever want to forget the pain of this shit. It'll help me avoid relapsing and further withdrawals. The price I pay for a relapse is ridiculously high. Doesn't seem fair, but that's life. Once I move forward I'll be a stronger person.

Fuck does this suck though. Can hardly think.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: CrookedKoala on August 01, 2018, 04:54:13 PM
zander13, I enjoy reading your insightful posts. Keep up the good work!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 03, 2018, 09:51:54 AM
Day 69

Still going through the flatline. Day 7/9. Brutal man. Truly shitty. Life feels difficult and tragic. I need to realize that the thoughts I'm having are temporary and aren't the real me. Once this is all over, I'll be my true self. Haven't been that guy since I was freakin' 15 years old. I wonder what he's like.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 04, 2018, 02:13:20 PM
Day 70

Day 8/9 of flatline (the reason I use the number 9 is because the last two I've had both lasted 9 days. Go figure.)

It hasn't been that bad. I view my flatlines as mountains. The middle of them is usually the peak, the hardest part. Now, I'm climbing back down. By day 10 I should be back on the ground, though I could be wrong. Nothing is guaranteed.

I'm at least able to get things done and not be so anxiety-riddled that breathing is just about the only task that I can accomplish. Seriously, that's how bad I feel sometimes. All I can do is breathe and wait for the monster to pass by.

I'm starting to feel like a true adult, I will say that.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 06, 2018, 03:48:19 PM
Day 72

Out of the flatline. Feeling great. Mindfulness is up there. Life is stabilizing. Values are in place, boundaries are in place.

No longer have a set benchmark I want to hit. Just want to continue to live mindfully and purposefully. Life seems much simpler these days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Recovery Will Come on August 07, 2018, 05:26:25 AM
Wow this is so inspirational keep it up!!!! Last year I made it to 10 weeks then made the mistake of going back on social media... Relasped shortly after and just starting my reboot at day 1 today... This happened he’s me so much motivation to go all the way.. If I can make it to 64 days I can definitely make it to 90 days and reach recovery in the future!! Keep on trucking we got this man!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 07, 2018, 05:40:15 PM
Day 73

Still feeling good about the reboot. I don't plan on having any withdrawal symptoms that will be anywhere near as bad as the first 70 days.

I'm now beginning the process of tapering off my antidepressant. Though it definitely helped me get out of my depression, I don't like what it did to my creativity. I'm going to take a 150mg dose of Wellbutrin and that's it. Today is day 1 of stopping Lexapro. I've slowly went from 15mg to 10mg to 5mg and now to nothing. I feel dizzy and little out of it, but nothing compared to the withdrawals of PMO. Just goes to show how powerful this addiction is. It's mind-blowing.

Now that I consider myself to be in a good place with porn, I'm going to start delving out some advice.

The first bit I have is for people to realize just how big a role PMO has played in your life up until this point. Be honest. I'm guessing it's a lead performer. The Tom Hardy of your movie.

Next, realize that in order to beat it, you must give it the respect it deserves. For the longest time, I tried to shrug PMO addiction off as a minor nuisance. Something that I'd deal with "once I grew up". The problem is, that never happens if you're still addicted. You'll be the same person you were yesterday. Trust me on this one.

I'll continue to elaborate as time goes on. Sorry for the poor quality of my writing today--the lexapro tapering has me a little off-kilter.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 08, 2018, 11:03:53 AM
Day 74

Best day of my reboot so far. Had a vivid, emotional, nostalgic, painful, life-affirming dream last night, and I woke up today feeling propelled by the goodness in the world.

I'm definitely not fully healed from PMO addiction, but I'm up there. I just know it. Emotions are coming back to me. The essence of life. Jesus, it's actually sad to think about how much of my life I've lived without the ability to experience true emotion. PMO is quite literally the devil. It deprived me of a very solid chunk of my life. But I can't focus on that right now. I'm 27 years old, and I have a lot of time to make up for.

The future excites me. There's no other way to put it. But I can never, ever let my guard down. If anything, I need to re-double my anti-PMO efforts. In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do today. I'm going to review some Recovery Nation stuff and remind myself about what I need to do in order to remain permanently porn free.

All I have to say is this: for those of us who are deeply addicted to pornography, life will never be as good as it can be while addicted. PMO free is a REQUIREMENT for those of us who wish to live a full life. It's the sad, ugly, blunt truth. And sugar-coating it doesn't help anybody. Something I've realized these past few weeks is how lacking this world is in honesty these days. It's simply no longer a national value. So no wonder we are where we are. With the president we currently have. When important values like integrity and honesty disappear, shit like Trump happens.

So start being fucking HONEST. To yourself and others. Don't allow the crowd to sway you from the truth. Because trust me, the crowd doesn't know what the fuck it's talking about. ZERO. Trust yourself. And your instincts. Right now, for the majority of you, they are buried beneath years of, well, burials. But they're still there somewhere. Start accessing them. Dig them up.

Be honest! You're an addict. Your life is nowhere near as good as it could be. Your emotions aren't being felt. Your ability to love is severely hampered. And society is very much okay with all that. In fact, that's the trend. To ignore emotions in favor of results. well, you know what? Fuck that. Ask some questions. Free yourself from the horse shit that is American culture. We've only been around for ~250 years. That's nothing! We don't know shit, except "winning". What does "winning" even mean? Most money? Most war "wins"? We don't even fucking know who we are.

Sorry about the rant there. Wow. Shit got away from me. But still. Be honest. I guess that's the message of today.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on August 09, 2018, 10:19:44 AM
Day 75

I'm on day 3 of my lexapro taper. Feeling very dizzy and not myself, though I can sense that it will be over soon. I cannot wait to return to my creativity. I've missed it so much. It's all I really have. It's my identity. Without writing, I'm just another Johnny Pencilpusher who doesn't know who he is in this world--struggling to do my best to make others think that I have my life together. Nothing tearing at the seams.

Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. With yourself. Fuck others for now. Others are half the reason you're in this mess. Trying to bow to the will of the masses. Fit in, or else. Right? I think authenticity is under fire right now from all angles. Conservative machismo's with tiny penises want everyone to think like them. Treat people like numbers and statistics. Fucking losers is what they are. "Oh I'm a CEO, that must make me a good person, right? I WORK HARD, therefore I'm a true blue, integrity-filled American. I make MONEY, and lots of it. You make next to nothing, you're value-less." Yeah you know what? GO fuck yourselves.

Be an original for fuck's sakes. Be yourself. No one else can do it for you. Stop masturbating your emotions away for some ideal that you've been spoon fed since you were too young to make decisions for yourself. Do NoFap because you want to rescue yourself. Your authentic, unadulterated self. And please, please, please, don't do it for anyone else.

My biggest piece of advice is to ask questions. Always. Don't just blindly follow rules. Get to the bottom of things. And you'll soon figure out that a lot of people in this world are operating out of their egos. The need for power. To be "better than". Sad but honest truth. Even your parents.

The sooner you see each group of individuals as a tiny Shakespeare play playing itself out in real life, the more you'll be able to act otherwise.

God bless everyone and embrace uniqueness. It's all you've really got.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Recovery Will Come on August 11, 2018, 09:03:00 AM
Keep going man this is inspirational... Gives me motivation to keep trucking... Continue to he great!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 03, 2018, 06:59:01 PM
@Recovery

Sorry for such a late reply--but thank you. I hope all goes well for you.

So I'm on day 55 right now. I relapsed on day 80 something in my last streak because I fucked around with my antidepressants and drank too much one night. That's all it took.

I do feel as if this is my last "streak", because I'm not so obsessed with the days. The only thing I've been thinking and worrying about is the flatlines and withdrawals I'm experiencing. I read on yourbrainonporn.com that the whole "abstain for a long time and then binge relapse" is very hard on the brain. It makes the withdrawals even more painful. Which is true. Though I believe I'm in my final withdrawal, the three that I've experienced during these past 55 days have been hellish. My brain actually smarts at certain times. It's like I can feel the healing occuring. I imagine my brain going through an assembly line of those robots you see in stars wars that were responsible for making robots like C3Po. The ones that have a saudering (spelled wrong but I don't know correct spelling) needle at the end.

Anyways, the good news is that my dick has been hanging low and has been consistently appearing more full and regular. Sorry for the details but I believe that a lot of guys want to know the details, for their own sakes.

I'm not bragging in any way when I say that I've become a mastery in recovery. I'm a master only in the sense that I know what certain indicators mean. I know the timing of things. I can predict when flatlines will begin and I can roughly predict when they will end. It's shocking how structured the timing is with this shit. There is definitely a strong correlation between the timing of your relapses and the timing of the withdrawals. Which reinforces the concept that if you do relapse, make it short. And don't do it again. Yes, your progress doesn't get erased--but, if you're like me, and you've struggled with single day binges followed by long streaks, then I highly advise you to avoid a lengthy relapse. The amount of damage you due to your brain while looking at fetish porn, the worse off you're going to be for the next couple months.

I really don't crave porn anymore. And I don't dream about it either. That I attribute to the long term progress. The idea that even though I've failed a lot, I've slowly been climbing up the hill, and despite relapses, I've come closer and closer to the top since Day 1 of this journey.

I was a deeply, deeply addicted person. I'm a severe case. I don't want others to think that their journey will be as strenuous as mine. I just so happened to have depression along with the PMO stuff, and, honestly, the depression was the root of the problem. So don't fret.

I would say that the reason the addiction became so ingrained in me was due to a number of reasons. The first was that I was using it to quell the emotions that were brewing inside of me during my adolescence. Though I wasn't depressed then, I have always been a very sensitive person. And that sensitivity completely clashed with my surroundings. My father is kind of a dickhead. He's type A as shit, and would try and change me when I said and did things that he thought were soft. What a fucking idiot he could be sometimes. There's a lot of resentment there. Anyways, because I couldn't express myself growing up, I buried all of my thoughts and ideas into porno. And since my older brother did me the favor of introducing me to fetish porn at the age of 15, the typhoon was ready to form. And it did. By the end of high school I was watching all the worst kind of shit the internet could offer. And I was scared. I had no self confidence because of the way my family saw me--and I've been trying to recover ever since. But the problem was that porn was already a massive problem--and learning things about myself was next to impossible.

Though I have always been able to have streaks (I had one for 120 days when I was a senior in college), the shit was so deeply embedded into my neurological structure that any relapse felt like the world was ending. And, on top of that, my depression arrived, making it to where PMO couldn't even stop my sadness.

Fast forward to today, and I feel a lot less innocent than most people. I'm sure most of us do. We know what pain feels like inside and out. We know how low a human can feel. We know how cruel it seems that just because we were horny as teenagers, we've been, seemingly, forever punished.

I don't really have any answers when it comes to reconciling with the fact that I've wasted so many years of my youth on porn (and not because I watched a lot, but because of the flatlines and withdrawals and the worrying and the thought loops). What I can say is that I'm very much ready to truly begin the new chapter. I'm not ever going to laugh at the incest porn I watched, I don't think I'll ever be able to get to that point, but I will do my best to put it as far behind me as I can. And that has begun with me finding my passion in life. The better I get at what I love to do, the better I feel, and the further away I get from the young boy who couldn't stop watching porn.

One reason I feel so confident in my sobriety is that I've been able to separate myself from my addiction. It isn't me. It never was. It was more of a virus. Something that infected me.

The last thing I want to say is to make sure that you're realizing why you're failing, and to constantly try and adopt new techniques to fight porn. Because they, without you realizing it, become just as much of a habit as the porn was. You'll start meditating without having to force yourself. You'll automatically avoid nudity in movies and shows, you'll think social media is a shithole. You'll avoid things without even realizing you're avoiding them.

There's no magic bullet to this evil. It has made me queswion the very nature of existence and of God himself. How could he let me, after so much hard work and wasted time, experience yet another flatline? But there it is. And here we are. Free will is definitely a thing fellas. He doesn't control everything. He created a world and let us play around with it. He created some laws and let us roam free. Or maybe we're all just a bunch of really smart primates. Who the fuck knows anymore. All I know is that there are fun things to do in this life, and it's about fucking time I start experiencing them fully, this time with the confidence of knowing that I'm being my true self.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 06, 2018, 10:58:35 AM
Day 50 something

Still in a flatline. Last night I woke up because the withdrawal was so strong. It's insane how its crescendos. It is very much like a wave.

I hope this is my last flatline, but I could be in for another one. I'm 9 days into my current one, and it is definitely wearing on me. Hard. It really tests your fortitude.

Wish me luck on making it through these flatlines boys. They are, by far, the hardest part.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 11, 2018, 10:35:17 AM
Day 61

I believe this is the final day of my current flatline. It’s been 14 days of boredom and anxiety. Very excited for what the future holds.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Do or die on October 11, 2018, 10:24:21 PM
congratulations
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on October 12, 2018, 07:29:08 PM
Hey mate I'm also in a terrible flatline and I don't know when it's going to end,shit scares the hell out of me everyday it's like I'm stuck or some shit. I'm on day 110 btw. >:(
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 14, 2018, 09:49:16 AM
@do or die  thanks man.

@jones

Yeah I was wrong about my flatline. It's still going on. I agree, it's scarier than shit. Feels like it's never going to end.

Good luck man and keep me updated. I'll do the same. And congrats on 110 days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 22, 2018, 01:47:11 PM
Day 72

My last flatline was fucking brutal. It lasted like 18 days. Then it ended, and life became pretty magical. But now, after 6 days of bliss, I’m back in a flatline. I know that it won’t be nearly as tough as my last one, but it’s still going to blow major ass. At this point all I can is make the best of a bad situation. Because I’m so close, and life has never been better for me. I’m really coming into my own, and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done to get here.

I’ll let this forum know when I get to the other side. Who knows how long it will take. Wish me luck everyone.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 23, 2018, 03:07:58 PM
Day 73

Fuck boys, this shit is brutal. Hope it doesn’t last that long, I’m fucking sick of it to be honest.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 27, 2018, 08:19:51 PM
Day 77

Total the flatline is fucking killing me. So ducking close to the finish though—on days when I’m not flatlining my libido is the best it’s ever been. Very attracted to girls when my dick isn’t sucked into my gut like an outie belly button
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on October 28, 2018, 04:07:02 AM
I know how you're feeling bro. I feel like my dick is so desentitized that  even if  I cut it off, I couldn't tell the difference. I even think it wouldn't hurt.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 10:35:13 AM
@Kdot

Might as well be cut off at this rate
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 11:42:14 AM
Day 78

Dick and mood are both in hell right now. FUCK THIS SHIT!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Frank123 on October 28, 2018, 12:40:41 PM
hello how are you going? I was following your story but it's been a while since you wrote. I hope you are well.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 28, 2018, 02:05:28 PM
hello how are you going? I was following your story but it's been a while since you wrote. I hope you are well.

Honestly man, I’m doing well. Thanks for asking and for saying that. How are you doing?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 29, 2018, 03:17:07 PM
Day 79

Withdrawal shave been so bad that’s it’s been hard to think. Pure pain. Never knew that one little relapse could hurt so fucking much for so fucking long. Doesn’t add up. This shit will knock society on its ass. I’m calling it right now. I’m a tough person who has things to look forward to—I can’t imagine the havoc it would wreak on people with less self control. Fucking terrible feeling—makes you feel so isolated and unloveable it’s insane. Diabolical. Devilish.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 30, 2018, 09:17:58 AM
Day 80

Headed to NYC to stay with a friend for a while. If I like it—I’m going to move there and never look back. It’ll be the best fresh start I can think of. I want to go to Columbia and get my masters in clinical psychology to become a therapist. Also going to write fantasy stories on the side.

To me—porn is a thing of the past. And I’m a ridiculously strong person now after enduring all of the pain. Not done with it yet, but it’ll eventually go away.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 31, 2018, 12:02:50 PM
Day 81

New York City is trying its hardest to alleviate my withdrawal symptoms, but I still feel them. I am definitely going to move here though. I’d wager that PMO addiction isn’t prevalent here—there is too much life happening. No boredom.

Hopefully flatline will end soon.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: johnleesmith65 on October 31, 2018, 12:37:28 PM
Do you have plans for your addiction, when your brain and body will get use to of New York
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on October 31, 2018, 04:20:45 PM
Do you have plans for your addiction, when your brain and body will get use to of New York

My plans are to not relapse.

But no, I would say my plans are too continue to meditate and be mindful of urges, etc. also, I plan on growing as a person, which is a natural way of combating this shit. I’ll never let my guard down again though. Most important thing is to nip any pornographic thoughts in the bud.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 01, 2018, 09:58:49 AM
Day 82

Woke up without any kid if release from flatline. Usually mornings are good. I don’t know if this is a sign that flatline will end earlier than I predicted or if puxatawnee Phil saw his shadow and I have another six weeks of winter.

My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful. Like my brain fucking hurts, no joke. It’s like the opposite of the best orgasm I’ve ever had.

As always, can’t fucking wait to have my brain back. I miss it. I really do. Life is so boring and emotionless during these flatlines. All I can do is survive and watch time as it goes by.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 03, 2018, 08:39:38 AM
Day 84

Still in the fucking flatline. Should be ending in the next couple days. I hope to god that another one doesn’t immediately take this ones place. I’m tired of living life like this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 03, 2018, 10:38:05 PM
Quote
My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful.
I think we have something in common. I'm experiencing literally everything you said. I just went 123 days and I relapsed and I was  in the flatline from day 1-123. It's crazy,most times I just feel like I'll never recover.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: johnleesmith65 on November 04, 2018, 01:08:09 AM
Day 84

Still in the fucking flatline. Should be ending in the next couple days. I hope to god that another one doesn’t immediately take this ones place. I’m tired of living life like this.
Good thing is that you are progressing in your recovery.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 06, 2018, 12:12:52 PM
Quote
My flatline is horrible because I’ve been caught in a pattern of long streak followed by 1-2 relapses followed by another long streak. Since the relapses occur so infrequently and after such long periods of abstinence, the rush of chemicals that occurs when I do relapse is fucking insane. My brain gets knocked on its ass, and a deep wound is left over. So now the healing required is painful, because prodding a deep wound is painful, even if it’s getting healed. Fuckin sucks right? I’m getting punished for long periods of abstinence. But at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be relapsing at all. And I don’t plan to ever again. These withdrawals are literally painful.
I think we have something in common. I'm experiencing literally everything you said. I just went 123 days and I relapsed and I was  in the flatline from day 1-123. It's crazy,most times I just feel like I'll never recover.


During my longest streak (~210 days) I was the same as you. I had only just started coming out of the flatline towards the end. I promise you that as long as you don't fall back into the pattern of PMO, then the progress you made during your streak was not lost. You're slowly phasing porn out of your brain. For people like us, this process takes a long, long time. Porn is ingrained in us. We watched it when our brains were at their most plastic (malleable). All we can really do is move forward, as much as the flatlines are just pure fucking hell. At least we'll be tough people because of all the suffering, however unfair it may seem.

Hope this helps man. I wish you the best of luck. Hope I didn't sound too patronizing.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 06, 2018, 12:14:26 PM
Day 87

Go out and vote! And vote Democrat!

Today is, hopefully, the final day of my flatline. 17 Days of living life in a half-assed manner. It's going to feel so good to be out of it. I cannot fucking wait. Seriously.

Once again, I hope and pray that this is the last one.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 06, 2018, 06:49:09 PM
Quote
I promise you that as long as you don't fall back into the pattern of PMO, then the progress you made during your streak was not lost
Hmmm...since my last relapse my libido raises a bit and most times my mood is alright. 2 days ago on day 4 I felt some nasty withdrawal symptoms though it was crazy. But today and yesterday was fine.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 10, 2018, 05:58:15 PM
Day 91

Wet dreams have been throwing me into flatlines I think. Sucks but all I can do is endure. This addiction sure does suck up a lot of time. Jesus fucking Christ.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on November 11, 2018, 05:35:17 AM
Day 91

Wet dreams have been throwing me into flatlines I think. Sucks but all I can do is endure. This addiction sure does suck up a lot of time. Jesus fucking Christ.

I got the same problem bro, after every wet dream I feel asexual
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 11, 2018, 04:52:06 PM
@kdot. Yeah it’s the worst. I’m not very interested in the things I usually am because of it.

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 12, 2018, 12:48:17 PM
Day 93

I think the flatline is over!! Holy shit! 23 days! I forgot that life could be this good. Hope it doesn’t go away anytime soon, I could get used to this.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Jones on November 12, 2018, 02:25:29 PM
 ;D That's so awesome man,glad to here you're out. Keep up the good work.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 13, 2018, 07:20:28 PM
@jones thank you man.

Day 94

I was wrong. Flatline is still with me, just getting weaker. Hopefully it’ll go for good soon!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 14, 2018, 11:57:35 AM
Day 95

I now know what happened. On day 17 I would’ve been out of flatline, but I had a lucid dream late morning in which I had sex with a faceless girl and came. It wasn’t typical wet dream—it felt very good. THAT is why I’m in flatline still. It’s basically a second one right on top of the first. This one could last for another 7 days, but who knows.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 15, 2018, 01:07:42 PM
Day 96

Came out of the flatline last night at around 12:30. Then, because I took a sleeping pill, I had trouble getting out of bed and did some lucid dreaming. I, of course, had a sex dream and woke up while I was in the middle of having a wet dream.

I hope I the fucking lord that this won’t affect anything. I feel okay right now and my dick isn’t shriveled or anything, but I’m still worried. Fucking hell man.

Hopefully the wet dream is only a minor setback, and the after effects are minimal.

Regardless, I’m in the fucking home stretch.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: achilles heel on November 17, 2018, 07:00:44 AM
Thanks for your nice words on my journal!  :)

Due to your comment I discovered your story and read it from beginning to now, it is really inspiring to see your dedication and how the success pays off. Your relapses in between your major streaks surely haven't been a setback to 0 and you keep advancing, I am sure you will manage to return to your old and original self, just keep going!

You left out one part of the story after this entry:

Now that I have the correct anti-depressants working for me I've found that there is only one more step to a complete recovery: rewiring. I've said this before but after doing some reading and soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that my brain needs a kick in the dick. I need to replace my relationship with porn. I need to wire myself to women. Real boobs and butts. I don't think my recovery is going to get that much better until I start rewiring.

Did you actually start rewiring and seeing girls? Did it affect you in a negative way? I ask because I'd agree on the statement above (works for me) and wonder how it worked for you.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 19, 2018, 07:48:44 PM
Day 100

Keep on keepin' on.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 24, 2018, 06:15:49 PM
Day 105

35th day of my flatline. Judging by the severity of my withdrawals today--my brain is going to make a pretty big push (for me to watch porn) tonight. Usually when that happens, the next day is very good.

I hope that my flatline will end tonight. I'm very much ready to rejoin the world!

Optimistic!!

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 28, 2018, 11:34:50 PM
Day 109

Still in a flatline.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on November 29, 2018, 03:46:49 PM
Day 110

Flatline has now hit the 40 day mark.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 01, 2018, 02:12:30 PM
Day 112

Still flatlining
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 03, 2018, 12:00:51 AM
Day 113

Huge change today!


Still flatlining
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on December 03, 2018, 10:46:14 AM
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: MoJi on December 06, 2018, 01:50:07 PM
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 06, 2018, 08:29:09 PM
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.

Best piece of advice I have: meditate.

Good luck man, and thanks for the shout out!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 06, 2018, 08:30:04 PM
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....

Dude it's been long. Too long. But thanks for the shout out, and good luck on your own journey. I wish you the best, and then some.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 07, 2018, 11:33:57 PM
Day 118

Best day of my reboot so far. Flatline may be over, but even if it isn't, I am so thankful for today.

God fuckin' bless.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 12, 2018, 03:36:22 PM
Day 123

Another good day. Previous 4 were awful, so I'm super glad to have a good one.

I'm too battle-hardened to say that I'm out of the flatline, but it does feel good to have a positive day. They are good reminders of what this process is all about--becoming a version of myself that had been buried underneath years of PMO.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 13, 2018, 07:20:04 PM
Day 124

I'm getting eviscerated by the flatline right now. Yesterday was short-lived.

I've never experienced such pain before in my life. I can't fucking stand this horse shit anymore. When am I gunna be able to live my fucking life like a normal fucking person. God fucking damn it man, this is horse shit. I don't fucking believe in anything anymore. Life is just a random assortment of molecules, and there's no fucking point to any of it. FUCK THIS SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 15, 2018, 11:53:34 PM
Day 126

Had another shit day today, though the day before wasn't bad at all. Fucking back and forth man. At least it's a different pattern than before. Nights aren't as bad at all, and my dreams are completely porn/relapse free. Now I just have vivid dreams that are, honestly, insane (not in a bad way). I know my antidepressants play into the chaoticness of my dreamworld.

I think it's safe to say that porn has been slowly removed from my subconscious. I like to think of it as the shit we leanred in grade school. It stuck with me for a long time, but as time went by, I slowly forgot most of it. Same thing with porn, in a weird way.

I know it will always be with me, and I'll forever be an addict (of the highest order), but I do believe in the idea that as time has gone on in my rebooting life, I've gone back in time. And by that I mean that when I do have urges, they're for earlier and earlier porn scenes. Like, as I watched Netflix today, a flashback to an old scene I used to watch all the time flooded my mind. With mindfulness, I was able to draw my attention away from the urge, but I think it's interesting. I read about this idea on YBOP, so I know I'm not crazy.

My dreams have included people from my high school days too. It's like I'm going back in time with everything. Releasing all of the emotions and memories I trapped up in there with porn. They're finally being let go.

Sometimes I think this rebooting process is unfair horse shit, and other days I see it as a way of life forcing me to endure all of the stuff I ignored through porn. Who knows. Regardless, I still want it to end. I'm not enamored with the withdrawal process. The sooner it get's done--the better.

I just can't wait to live life completely withdrawal/porn free. It'll be a totally new thing.

All I can do is keep surviving. Keep moving forward. My habits are good, I know how to avoid relapse--all I have to do is stick to the program.

One guy wrote in his journal that porn was like an arrow. It goes in super easily, but it's fucking terrible to pull it out. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 16, 2018, 02:38:03 PM
Day 127

Masturbated to stimulation and little fantasy this morning. Not porn fantasy, just thought of a girl.

I felt like I needed to try something different, so we'll see how it goes. At the moment, feels like I let off a release valve. We'll see how things go from here.

I will say that I feel some brain fog--but that's a small price to pay. No guilt or shame, and no feeling like shit (so far).
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on December 16, 2018, 04:19:20 PM
Update:

Feeling depressive. Still don't know how it'll affect the severity of the withdrawals I was experiencing, but I definitely feel like shit right now. Hopefully something good will come out of the decision.

I need to make some life changes though. I'm teetering right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 07, 2019, 05:46:04 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 07, 2019, 05:47:37 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

So you binged. So did I, yesterday. I need to sort everything out. I can't fool around anymore.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 08, 2019, 07:25:49 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 07:36:23 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 08, 2019, 08:05:02 AM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.

If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 08, 2019, 08:26:06 AM
If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros

Flatline is like chemically cutting off your dick anyway.

Van Gogh didn't cut off his dick :)))) And he is not the only one in history who cut his ear but maybe he was the first one? Chopper cut both of his ears but not himself, he put other guy to do it. Anyway, both were fucking sick guys (o.O) I don't wanna do none of that shit.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2019, 12:19:25 PM
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

I can't tell you how much this helped me my friend. Really. Thank you so much. And I agree with what you say, you're right.

God bless man.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 10, 2019, 12:24:55 PM
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 10, 2019, 12:26:52 PM
Man, let me join you. I'm desperate. I can't do anything alone. I keep relapsing after 3 days.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 11, 2019, 06:51:01 AM
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.

Glad to see you're inspired man. It' s easier when you share your story with other people who can relate. I'll continue to follow your journal, you can count on me
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 15, 2019, 12:46:06 PM
Day 19

Masturbated this morning. It was because I started to feel some withdrawals, and just didn't want to go through them. But I know that if I'm going to beat this thing then I have to battle through the withdrawals. There is no other way out of it.

My plan is simple:

My goal is still 365 days. And I don't count masturbating to past sex encounters a relapse, so I'm still on day 19. Anyways, what I'm going to do, or continue to do, is meditate for at least 20 minutes a day. Luckily, that's already a habit of mine, and it won't be hard at all to keep it going

I will also continue taking my antidepressant every day.

I will stick to Recovery Nation as my tool for recovery, building values to help me maintain stability.

I will workout as often as I can, without turning it into a chore.

I will play video games when the withdrawals get really bad, and not feel guilty about it. This next year is all about quitting porn. I don't care if I spend 200 hours playing video games, as long as I can live the rest of my life porn free.

I will write short stories when I'm feeling good, but not get upset on the days that I can't.

I will no longer masturbate unless I feel a heavy, heavy relapse coming, which hopefully won't happen since I've been meditating daily.

And that's it. I gotta keep it simple. Ther more complicated it gets, the more chances of me getting disappointed in myself.

I envision a version of me 365 days from now, and it makes me happy. He'll be more attuned with life, he'll be attracted to real women, and he'll be so proud of what he has overcome.

This addiction has taken so much from me, and I have now adopted the mentality that porn is no longer an option. period. It'll literally wreck my brain and my life. Relapse is not an option.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 16, 2019, 05:01:45 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 16, 2019, 06:37:23 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Are you dating? You should also start to do some rewiring and it will make you resist porn easier later in the proccess (I fell that way now)
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2019, 02:40:17 PM
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Are you dating? You should also start to do some rewiring and it will make you resist porn easier later in the proccess (I fell that way now)

I agree with you 100%, I do need to get back out there. My confidence is low, and I need to start doing shit to get it back up.

Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 17, 2019, 03:49:23 PM
Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.

Zander, you're dealing with depression too. I really know what it's like. I've been battling depression for about 10 years. I had a period of crippling depression, if you know what I mean. The one where you can't function too well, walking like a zombie. But I've only been on medication once, I got addicted to it and I refused to take it again, despise the level of my depression. I think it was a good decision in a way because I didn't need another problem on my shoulders, being addicted to some pills.
The thing is, I've identified the source of my depression and I had to do something about it if I wanted to have a chance. I needed to do some changes in my thinking. And after I did that for a while, my depression got way better. Now, I don't suffer from that everyday, chronic depression anymore but I'm vulnerable to depressing episodes. For example, I just had one in the last few days. Now I'm better. I have to try to be less depressive because it hurts, man. I know very well how it hurts.
Good luck with this, man. I'm with you, as a guy who understands depression and what it really feels like.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 17, 2019, 07:49:13 PM
Day 21

Withdrawals but not that bad. I'm on a different dosage of my medication, and have recently acquiesced to the notion that I have pretty severe clinical depression, and that I need to take a pretty high dosage of my medication if I want to live an ormal life.

The new dosage makes everything much easier. My anxiety is way down, and I don't take things as seriously. It's easier to meditate, make decisions, work out, etc. I feel very confident that porn is no longer an option in my life, and that I have all the tools to meet my 365 day goal. It's just a matter of being okay with these withdrawals for the next six months. During my longest streak, at the 200 day mark I started getting my libido back, much like K-Dot, so I know how long I have to go to get back to that point. No biggie. I'm already 3 weeks in.

Zander, you're dealing with depression too. I really know what it's like. I've been battling depression for about 10 years. I had a period of crippling depression, if you know what I mean. The one where you can't function too well, walking like a zombie. But I've only been on medication once, I got addicted to it and I refused to take it again, despise the level of my depression. I think it was a good decision in a way because I didn't need another problem on my shoulders, being addicted to some pills.
The thing is, I've identified the source of my depression and I had to do something about it if I wanted to have a chance. I needed to do some changes in my thinking. And after I did that for a while, my depression got way better. Now, I don't suffer from that everyday, chronic depression anymore but I'm vulnerable to depressing episodes. For example, I just had one in the last few days. Now I'm better. I have to try to be less depressive because it hurts, man. I know very well how it hurts.
Good luck with this, man. I'm with you, as a guy who understands depression and what it really feels like.

Thanks man. Yeah, I thought I could beat it without medication, but I can't, at least not right now. Especially when dealing with this stupid addiction on top of it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 18, 2019, 05:11:28 AM
Thanks man. Yeah, I thought I could beat it without medication, but I can't, at least not right now. Especially when dealing with this stupid addiction on top of it.

Yeah, man, I know how it feels. I had 3 addiction, panic attacks and chronic depression at the same time. How it hurts, only the sufferer can now, it's hard to explain it.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 18, 2019, 09:02:17 PM
These are the worst withdrawals I've ever had. The manner in which I relapsed is the reason why. I edged for hours, and to hardcore stuff. It's the same thing as doing a drug. It's like I upped the dose, and prolonged it. My brain is on fire. Making me question everything. I can't believe my life has gotten this bad. All because of decision I made when I was a young kid. Oh well.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 18, 2019, 09:17:30 PM
Also--the fact that they are this bad tonight makes me think that I'll feel better tomorrow. They usually get suuuper bad when a flatline is at its end.

This is the last time I'm going through this shit man. I'll do anything in my power to get over the hill.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 19, 2019, 09:08:42 AM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 19, 2019, 12:36:06 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: changemylife on January 19, 2019, 12:56:44 PM
Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

God gave us the "happiness", and the devil, the "pleasure". It takes a lifetime to find happiness and you don't even know what it is, you think you know. I believe it's the piece of mind but what's this I have to find out. It's a long journey but it's worth fighting for. I rather die trying to understand my happiness than die a sad addict.

On the other hand, to find pleasure you only need a few minutes of watching porn and jerking off, a few minutes until the drug starts working, a few minutes until the alcohol starts working, and all these leave you drained, sad, lonely and exhausted. It's not worth fighting to keep them in your life. I say "fighting" because that's what we do, subconsciously we fight to keep these addictions in our lives because we love the pleasure. Pleasure is amazing, man. The brain loves pleasure, that's why dopamine exists. And people mistake "happiness" for "pleasure". They are not the same thing. In many cases, they are quit opposite because years of pleasure lead to "unhappiness". Happiness is not giving in to your temptations, not living for hard pleasure, and finding your inner peace, whatever this mean I want to find one day.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 19, 2019, 01:17:57 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

I am talking in general, The most journals I read I see that shit happening. I told you once, just keep journaling. I wish you all the best my brother, you gon beat this
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 19, 2019, 05:50:11 PM
I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it


Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

I am talking in general, The most journals I read I see that shit happening. I told you once, just keep journaling. I wish you all the best my brother, you gon beat this

You're right though. I think you're in a healthier place, because you know that you're going to recover. It's like a forgone conclusion to you. I need to have that mindset. Instead of "if" I reboot, it should be "when" I reboot. I gotta start seeing these withdrawals as tools to help me become a better person. They make me tougher as a person, if nothing else.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 21, 2019, 05:16:25 PM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: K-Dot on January 22, 2019, 07:51:07 AM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 22, 2019, 12:40:08 PM
Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life

I was always an anxious kid, but as I got older, the anxiety started turning into something called rumination and circular thinking. Basically, I obsess over stuff over and over again, and it gets to the point where I'm immobilized by my obsession. If that sounds like you then I would go and see someone.


Day 26

In a flatline. Been here before, right? I can't lose hope. All I need is time. Meditation is my best friend right now. That and my medication. And video games. Because video games help time go by faster.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2019, 12:11:01 PM
Had this crazy dream where my best friend from when I was little was gay, and he was trying to bang me or something. And before that, I was like on a porn set, watching these people do it, and almost had a wet dream (was somehow able to stop myself). It was vivid as hell, all of it.

Seems as if my psyche is combing through my younger years, when this addiction started. I have a feeling that all of this is interconnected. Like, the deeper I get into my reboot, the further back I go in my past, until I get to where it all began. And, obviously, porn helped me cover up a lot of emotional occurrences, so now that the porn is gone, my brain is now facing those occurrences. So weird how all this works, but it lets me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and that the end is not as far away as I initially imagined 26 days ago.

I am doubling down on my efforts to thwart this thing. It is, obviously, paramount to my growth as a human. I simply cannot wait to reach my goal of 365 days. I can't even imagine what life will be like a year from now. I have so much hope.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: MoJi on January 23, 2019, 02:44:52 PM
Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 23, 2019, 06:27:48 PM
Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck

Yes, Spring is coming. I love the simplicity of that statement, because it contains so much meaning within so few words. And thank you my friend, good luck to you as well!
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 24, 2019, 08:35:30 PM
Day 28

My meds are making this reboot a lot easier, because I'm no longer depressed, and stuff makes me happy. Funny how that works. I think that depression mixed with PMO addiction just totally effed me up, and I'm now on the verge of overcoming both.

I'm approaching a golden age of Alex.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 05:18:09 PM
Day 30

Had a great dream last night, it was sexual and I was involved. It was vivid as hell. Then I woke up feeling great, only to be disappointed by the afternoon, in which I experienced terrible withdrawals. I figured that I could make them easier by masturbating an hour ago, but that only made me feel worse. I don't understand the science behind masturbating, but I guess I've been open to trying new things to make my withdrawals easier. No matter. Tomorrow is another day, and I still haven't watched any porn.

I'm also ready for winter to be over. The gloomy, dark, gray skies and by depression don't mix very well.

No matter how bad things get, I need to always remember that my goal is to make it to 365 days, and that I don't even know how great life will be once I accomplish it. I've never been there before. I've never gotten over this addiction. Not since it first began, which was a long, long time ago.


Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 05:31:57 PM
Also:

My new plan is this:

For the next couple months, until flatline (hopefully) goes away


Meditate in the morning
Workout
Cardio
Eat
Play League of Legends during the afternoon, when my withdrawals are at their worst
Spend time with people
Hopefully begin my class in advertising, finish my portfolio, and get a job.


 
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 07:42:56 PM
Experiencing a major chaser effect because of the masturbation session. I'm no longer going to masturbate anymore. Came very close to relapsing. My brain is devious when it comes to this shit, I mean, seriously. It's insane how it tricks me. It all started by me thinking that my life is shit because of my cirucumstances, not PMO withdrawals/addiction. Untrue. But I believed it today. I also felt bad because I had such a good dream this morning, followed by such terrible withdrawals. I felt the weight of the coming months on top of me--all the wasted days and painful withdrawals. So I masurbated, lying to myself by saying it would make the flatline easier to endure. And that has since snowballed into worrying about my future, worrying about my careeer, friends, money, etc. Like the world was dropped on top of me like one of those cartoon anvils. Which is all horseshit. As I said earlier, I know of my potential. I know that I have talent and charm and cahrisma. THIS addiction has been the major thing that's wrong, not my work ethic, or my drive, or any of that shit. I'm a good person. Porn is my vice, and it has tricked me into thinking that I'm not. My Mom also had her part to play, during her old bit of saying that my life is shit, even though she and I agreed that it would take some time for me to come out of the flatline.

Regardless, I think I've beaten the chaser, and I've come back to my original plan of weathering this storm before I try and figure out my life. If I take my eye off this addiction for ONE MOMENT, it starts to trick me.

And again, NO MORE MASTURBATION!

The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on January 26, 2019, 08:01:43 PM
The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

Have you thought of confiding a friend that you trust? I have, and it is relieving to say the least... You could also go to a SA meeting. It's a thing I consider at the moment but I fear, I'm the only one with severe PIED and a P addiction there.  ;D
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 26, 2019, 11:33:50 PM
The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

Have you thought of confiding a friend that you trust? I have, and it is relieving to say the least... You could also go to a SA meeting. It's a thing I consider at the moment but I fear, I'm the only one with severe PIED and a P addiction there.  ;D


I emailed a therapist. Just for a human outlet to speak with.
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: zander13 on January 29, 2019, 04:57:57 PM
I've relapsed 6 times in the last two days. I'm officially going to a facility in North Carolina to treat both my depression and my addiction. They don't allow electronics, so I see this as a chance for me to get a fresh start. I won't be posting on here for a while, which is probably good. I'm tired of obsessing over this addiction. I'm tired of this life. I need change. Major change. I just want to be happy.

Goodbye. Not that a stupid forum on the internet gives any shit about other people besides themselves, at the end of the day. These forums are just another way for people to be political, in the sense of attempting to have the most replies, views, and all that stupid shit. No one is here because they truly want to help others. They want to be here to help themselves. Which I guess is fine, but for me, that isn't enough. I need to have real human contact, which is a luxury in this day and age. The internet is a terrible thing. It makes people lonely. Lonelier than ever before. Instead of talking with each other we opt for the pseudo communication of "social media". Yeah, my ass. The internet is a big lie. Social media is a lie. It doesn't help us connect. It helps us isolate. Become even less human than we already are.


I'm no longer going to be a slave to modernity. Technology can go fuck itself. And I say this as I play another LEague of Legends game and watch a DVD on my Smart TV. Ironic isn't it?
Title: Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
Post by: Pete McVries on January 29, 2019, 05:36:12 PM
Sorry to hear about your relapses, Zander.

Good for you, that you've taken the courage to go to a facility that, both, helps treating your depression as your addiction. I've been to a facility to treat my depression as well 2 years ago. Honestly, I had a wonderful time (as crazy as it sounds), meeting a lot of like-minded people and I made some lasting friendships.

You are absolutely right about the internet and social media. It's extremely shallow, a rat race in the sense that people want to pretend they live perfect lives and this makes less successful people miserable. It's a complete shit show. I quit social media 7 years ago and I have never looked back. It was a great step. You don't need facebook to keep in touch with people. The people that mean something to you will stay in your life regardless.

I have to strongly disagree about this forum though. I think there are many people who like to help others. I sense, that you are very frustrated at the moment and overlook this fact. Look, I only want to speak for myself, but I spend a decent amount of time during the last days commenting on other people's journals and welcoming some people giving them advice whenever I can. Why did I do it? Because I thought, they could benefit from my advice. But I also did it to keep myself sane and keep my eyes on the prize. Hopefully, it's a win-win situation.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery both for your depression and your PMO addiction. I know, these are dark days you for at the moment (been there, done that, sometimes still go there) but better days are to come. You taking action to actively tackle your addiction and depression is a great step and I'm glad you undertook them. May it benefit you greatly.

Take care!

p.s. Make sure you find a therapist that helps you continue battling the PMO addiction after you will have left the facility. It's so easy to fall back into old habits once you're back home again.