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Messages - unchained

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376
My first goal says 30 days…my real goal is truly a lifetime…but 10 days will sure look nice on my counter.

Stay strong.

377
Thanks rider.   I am familiar with your post (absorbed it) and feel we have much in common…as well as I do so many others such as Little179.  I feel your post is right on for me and my situation and that that even though we have this addiction, we all do love our wives, and that for me is a motivating factor.  I don't feel any need to prove myself to any quantity of women, I just want a healthy sex life with my wife.  She is now and has always been as much as I could want and certainly more than I deserve, but my addiction has taken me down a path that has threatened to take away our some of our intimacy.  I regret that with all of my heart.

I know and understand that the many of younger guys here are still out there…trying to find a SO.  In some ways, I'm sure that makes some of the issues such as ED tougher for them.  I never had an issue until my mid-30's even with tons, tons, tons (read way too much) porn.  But at the same time, I also had an active sexual life with real women.   It seems that makes a difference.  I would have a hard time trying right now to work it hard to get someone new into the "mood" so to speak while at the same time knowing that I may not be able to rise to the occasion.  That would be tough.  My wife is understanding and listens to what I am going through.

I am feeling better every day.  Guys out there on day one, two…or still thinking about starting day one…it does get better rather quickly.  I still spend a lot of time here throughout the day.  I take my phone to the bathroom, sneak a peak at success stories when I can, etc.

I've read sooo many pages on this and other sites and see the commonality of progressing fetishes and extreme images to satisfy oneself.  I have to say that my desires never crossed into she male or gay porn or anything like that.  I am not judging anyone here what so ever, just stating where I am and my own situation. I will say, however, the my own fetishes did progress over time.  I developed a pretty big foot fetish.  I've thought about this often.  Young guys probably wouldn't get this, but think about porn from the late 70's to early 90's sometime (the stuff I grew up on) and you'll see that women almost never had their shoes off.  To me, feet became almost became more forbidden in that you never saw them.  Magazines, movies, they always wore high heels.  You would see a completely nude woman, but she would have shoes on her feet.  My wife gets that I like feet and is ok with it (she has wonderful sexy big feet), but sometime its seems like my fetish has overshadowed the big picture of what sex should be.  Instead of feeling how great it is to have sex, to look in her eyes, to look at her beautiful body, I sometimes have to focus on her feet to stay hard..how messed up is that?  When I would look at porn, it got to the point that a fetish would totally take control, I would obsess about it and not even look at a woman as a whole (even as a sex object). I would get so focused on something as simple as a foot that I would zoom in on it and finish myself off just looking at that.  Hopefully, as I overcome my porn addiction I will find more balance in what turns me on.  I hope my fetishes don't completely disappear…after all, I don't want other parts of get body to no longer interest me, but I hope that they diminish to the point that I don't objectify a single part of my wife's body to get me sexually aroused.

Anyway…enough talking about fetishes….that can be dangerous for me…just a little at a time.

378
Last night was a full week since PMO!  I know one week is just a baby step, but I could probably count on one hand how many times I've gone a week in 27 years.

The two previous weeks, Sunday nights tripped me up.  I decided two weeks ago Saturday, 16 days ago, to attempt quitting my porn addiction after I couldn't get it up for sex with the wife.  The very next evening I failed when I was home alone.  This led to a minor binge of two PMO's Sunday evening followed by one when I woke up Monday.  On Monday, I came back here as well as ybop and started reading heavily.  I felt I was doing ok until the very next Sunday and I did it again, however, that time I didn't binge.  Just the once, felt bad, thought about it, learned from it, moved on.  That Monday evening, I started my journal here.  Having an outlet made a huge impact on how my week went.

This week has been easier but there are times that I have had a hard time saying focused.  I come here and read journals as often as I can.  I see counters of 30+, 50+, 100+ days and I think, gosh that will take forever.  And then I look at when the journals started and it was August, July or June and the gives me encouragement.  June and July wasn't that long ago.  I know it is possible for me to quit porn, not for just a high number on my counter, but forever.

I've read and am trying to adopt the "porn is not an option" mindset.  I agree with the concept and it is important to adopt that way of thinking.  Otherwise, I'll be wrestling with the temptation forever.  However, I will say that in the beginning it is tough.  Initially, I told myself "you just need to make it through each day, one at a time".  Thinking about a lifetime of quitting can be tough early on, almost overwhelming, but staying clean today…I think I can do that.  I learned the "just make it through today" approach years ago when I had to go to AA a few times because I was picked up for driving under the influence when I was 20.  I remembered it and applied it to my own situation several years later when I decided to quit smoking.  It truly does help when it is hard to envision staying away from a powerful addiction for a lifetime.

With a few days behind me, 14 with the exception of one reset, I feel I can better start to focus on the lifetime goal of "porn is not an option".  I want to feel as though it doesn't exist in my brain…that there is no draw, there is no temptation, there is nothing in porn that I want or need.  I will be clean today, I know that for a fact.  I have to be.  There is no other way for me to get better, so there is no other way for me, period.

Stay strong.

379
Came in from yard work this evening. Wife was in shower. I got in when she got out, but positive thing is I got mostly hard just by seeing her naked. I usually need more stimulation.  Anyway, I was still stiff when I got out of the shower...she noticed (but she's having her period), so she offered a bj/hj. I feel tons better.  Only got 60%-75% hard & I came really fast.  Hopefully that will improve in time.

380
Today I spend about 6 hours taking care of the lawn.  I had a hard time keeping my thoughts away from sex, porn, fantasy.  I continuously chased them away, but it was/is a struggle.

381
A small victory…just woke at 6:00 am with good morning wood.  Man, does that feel good.  I had to get up to use the bathroom and wanted to share in my happiness, but like I said, it is 6:00 am and it's Saturday…think I'll see if I can go back to sleep for another hour or so.  I doubt I';ll be able to sleep, however, as I'm pretty awake and excited…not in a sexual sense, just excited to be more "normal", even if it is a little bit.

382
I have another goal to focus on and a reason to stay strong.  Last night I booked a 3 day trip for our 10 year anniversary in November.  The wife & I have not taken any trips alone since our kids were born.  The most we have been away from them has just been for 1 night.  This trip is just for 3 days & 2 nights, but I am looking forward to it a lot.  Hopefully, if all goes well with the kids, we'll do it more often in the future.  I think it would be good for our relationship.

I have even counted ahead to see what my day count will be when we leave...yep, I am that confident.  I will be on 54.  Gosh I hope and pray that my pied will be gone or manageable by then.  My pied was never 100% to begin with.  I could usually manage to get it up, but the times I couldn't rocked my confidence. 

My wife is generally always open to sex.  As long as we can sneak away from the kids for a bit, she's good to go.  I have passed up so many opportunities because of fear of ed.  What a waste...no more.

Also, I had a minor success this morning.  I got hard when I kissed the wife goodbye.  She pop kissed me, I complained that I wanted a real kiss.  One relatively short 5 second open mouth kiss and I was 75% erect...maybe there's hope for a full recovery for me!

383
Well…another day down.  One higher number in my day count.

I suppose today would be 11 if I didn't reset last Sunday.  Looking back at Sunday, it is very disappointing.  I had so many opportunities to change direction before it went too far.  It started with testing myself, which I realize now is something that I just cannot do, ever.  It worked, I got hard, told myself to go something else…go for a walk, work in the yard, whatever…but nope.  Once I get on that train, there is no stopping it.

Since then, I've done pretty good a pushing any sexual images out of my mind, with a couple of exceptions.  I do allow myself on occasion to think of my wife.  I do not make up fantasies, but try to  remember real events.  I don't linger on them long enough to get an erection, or focus and try to get an erection…I just allow the images to stay there long enough remind me of the real pleasure I do have with her and on top of that, she's damn sexy to me and I enjoy seeing her and remembering her naked.  Hopefully, it won't slow down my recovery too much.  Like I said, I don't allow the thoughts to linger too long.

I've used some of the visual imagery that several have posted in their own forums to wipe out porn thoughts that pop up during the day.  One was to image a big red "X" stamping out any image that pops into my head.  When I used that one, I also image a loud buzzer at the same time…kind of like the buzzer sound when you guess wrong at Family Feud.  I have also used someone else's idea of a big broom sweeping the thoughts away.  Both seem to work pretty good.  Since we are in the 40+ forum, I suppose everyone here is old enough to remember the Carol Burnett show.  Anyway, my broom imagery is now the cartoon lady that used to mop up.  I may try to come up with one or two on my own…have a full arsenal at the ready.  Heck, I may as well make it entertaining.

I do not however stamp, sweep  or mop up my wife…I reckon that would not be respectful…lol.  I give the thought about a three count and then just move on.  Remember the scene in National Lampoon's Vacation when they went to the Grand Canyon?  Clark stole cash from the register and was making a run for the car wile the family was look at the view.  Clark was in a hurry to get them going Clark was asked if he was going to take a look.  He faced the canyon, bobbed his head two or three times and said "Alright" and moves on…that's pretty much what I do.

Best of luck to everyone today.  I have more to share but time is short this morning.  Heck I am on day two of my new morning ritual…maybe I need a counter for that, too.

384
Good morning.  I just rolled out of bed and getting ready to start my day….still going strong, still positive and still hopeful for a healthy me in the future.

The first thing I usually do in the morning is PMO.  I wake up and wonder what all new ladies, pics & vids have been posted to my favorite websites.  The thought of not looking to see what had been updated used to drive me nuts.  I have tried the white knuckled approach to quitting PMO many times over the years.  I always felt that my problem was masturbation, not porn.  I felt it was an overwhelming urge to masturbate that I could not resist and that the porn was just a tool to help.  It is laughable when I look back at my behavior.  I would almost always look at porn in the morning during my attempts to quit, of course telling myself nothing was going to happen, but it always did.  I would see something that would get me going, or sometimes it would be different.  I would check out the updates unaffected.  That would bug me.  I'd think "how can you sit and look at all of these women and not get hard?"  So, I would touch myself while looking just to make sure my erection would work, of course all the time telling myself I was still quitting PMO.  I was just going to make sure my erection was ok…yeah right.  It lead to failure each and every time.  I now know the true addiction is the porn itself…shut it off and the other pieces of the puzzle will be easier to put into their proper places.  Beginning today, I plan to start a new morning ritual.  I plan to make posting here in my journal my new "start the day" habit.  Instead of avoiding porn when I am at my weakest, I am going to attack it head on.  Instead of running away at that time or trying to redirect my thoughts, I am coming here to focus on the healing.  I will replace the bad habit with a constructive one. 

I did have another good night of sleep, so that's good.  It's funny, but as I woke, my mind was thinking of porn…not really having a dream about sex or porn, but as I woke my brain immediately started to tell me what kind of porn it wanted this morning for my usual PMO before work.  It wasn't hard to shut it off.  As a matter of act, it happened in an instant.  I guess it goes to show that after you do something for so long, your brain and body will run on autopilot.

A couple of days last week and maybe Monday of this week, I woke with 50%-75% morning erections…no such luck the last three days.  I was kind of hoping they would bounce back sooner than later, but I'm not discouraged, just hoping for fast recovery.

I feel I have a lot to tell about my addiction, my behavior & the path I have been down, but I need to ease into some of that.  Those thoughts are full of dangerous triggers for me.  I will say that it pains me to think of all the lonely hours I have sat in front of a computer screen in search of some illusive perfect picture or video that would satisfy the fetishes I developed over the years, only to find something I thought was perfect, and for some reason my mind would not let me just finish myself off.  I would be thinking "this is great, but there me be one even better".  It was crazy, maddening at times.

…well, I am pushing hard to leave all of that madness behind.  It is true that I have wasted precious time in my past.  But today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow.  Man, if anyone out there is still thinking about quitting, maybe you are just now beginning to learn about porn addiction and seeing how it is affecting your life, take it from me who has just begun my journey after over 2 1/2 decades of porn use, quit as soon as you can.  Even a few days has already begun to change my mindset, how I feel about myself, my energy, my feelings toward my family…it is amazing.  I want this life, not my old life of sneaking around to jerk off in the dark alone.

Good luck to you all.  I'll pray for your strength and recovery as I pray for mine.

385
Hello guys and thanks for the encouragement.  I do truly appreciate it and it does help knowing I am not alone.

I have spent a ton of time here and ybop the last two weeks.  Reading through other journals and success stories have helped me tremendously.  After seeing all of the positive reinforcement provided by others, I knew I had to start a journal for myself…partially to digest my own thoughts and feelings.  I think it helps to put pen to paper (so to speak) and also I felt the need to actually become part of this community.

I felt really good yesterday and am positive about my today as well.  I know this is just day three since my reset, but I really don't feel like I am starting from ground zero.  Last week was pretty tough at times.  I was anxious, had tons of nervous energy, had some trouble sleeping…etc.  I also remember sweating a lot more than normal.  So, I feel more like I am on day 9 with a screw up on day 6.  Regardless, none of the day counting is completely significant, I know, but counting days in the beginning does give me a slight sense of accomplishment.

I have so much I would like to say this morning, but I have a dentist appointment, so I've got to run.  Thanks again and I hope to post more of my "progress" this evening.

Stay strong guys.  If someone like me can make it even a few days, then I am sure you can get 100% clean forever.  I WAS such a weak, weak man.  Today I feel STRONG.

386
Hi,
I just spend over an hour writing my entire porn life history only to have it disappear when I tried to preview the post.  I don't have the energy to relive it all again, so I'll do everyone here a favor by hitting the high spots:

Began reading porn (soft core stuff, Playboy) around 2nd grade.  Didn't know why…I only knew I liked it.
More explicit stuff at 12 or so (Hustler, Swank, Club Int'l, Cheri, etc)
Started PMO almost daily at 13
Been consistently sexually active since 16 (but still looked at porn most daily)
1st computer with access to constant porn at 22
Very minor ED in my 20's (hard time achieving erections with new partners, but all things ok once relaxed)
Started dating wife at 25, married at 30 (no issues, still looking at porn, even some nights after sex)
1st kid at 33, 2nd at 35 (porn use really picked up)
  All typical excuses.  Wife too busy with kids to have time for me. I wanted more than she did and this is how I deal with it, etc.

I began having ED issues here and there consistently a year or so ago.  I found this sight and ybop this spring.  I tried initially to quit in April.  I only achieved marginal success, but was able to get a good erection in less than a week.  Unfortunately, I think my "success" convinced me that I could "manage" my addition, like a hard core drinker convincing himself that he can have a couple of drinks a day.  Before long, I was back into PMO even day.

The ED frustrates me now.  We still have sex, but it is forced on my part.  I'll stroke my cock in the shower to some fantasy and have to get out and put it in right away.  Most times, it works once I am inside her, but sometimes it goes down.  Also, I worry so much about it going down that I concentrate so hard on the feeling that I have really fast orgasms.  Anyway, the sex is less than ideal.

Last week, I tried to start a fresh reboot on Monday.  I felt really good about last week and we had sex on Friday.  I wasn't initially able to achieve an erection and we ended up showering together.  I stroked my cock in the shower like she was a 2d subject and I was able to get hard enough for sex.  It wasn't ideal, but it was sex.  It only made me more convinced that I needed to get better.

Sunday, I f'd up. Wife took kids to evening children's church program and I PMO'd.  I was in a good mindset all day, but one little trigger and I was all alone…
 
Anyway, I was depressed and mad all last night, but it is different than before.  This time instead of like being struck out by a bad ass pitcher thinking "I'm just a loser and will never be any good", I was more pissed feeling like I could and should have done better and "you can hit off of this son of a bitch". I am positive today.  I don't feel brain fog.  I resisted a binge (which usually always occurred before anytime I tried to quit).  Sure, I wished I did better, but I've seen one more of his tricky pitches and I am ready to get back to the plate.  I am totally in the game, playing to win.  No excuses for letting myself down the last time, I own that, but I am ready to make my healing happen….now.

Today wasn't like when I f'd up before.  I am not anxious, nervous, jittery or constantly thinking of porn.  I'm still mad I messed up, but I don't feel like I am on day one even though I am on day one all over again.  There is no brain fog or anything, just motivation.

I have been blessed in so many ways.  I truly love my wife.  Even if I didn't, she is a beautiful and sexy lady.  Any man would be lucky to be with her.  She now knows about my addiction and is understanding.  It is such a sad sad situation that I would let myself get to the point that I cannot be with her because of my addiction to images on a 2d screen.  The wasted time ends now.  I desire to be a better husband, man and father.  The time I have wasted in my life is mind boggling.  I desire to be healthy.  I desire to have a mind not polluted with the junk that I have poured into it for the last 25+ years.

Any advise is appreciated.  Prayers from those so inclined would also be appreciated.  Even thought this is my 1st post, I truly appreciate this site and everything those here have to offer.  I have lurked here a lot and feel like I know many of you already.

Sorry for the long post.

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