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Topics - unchained

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I just spend over an hour writing my entire porn life history only to have it disappear when I tried to preview the post.  I don't have the energy to relive it all again, so I'll do everyone here a favor by hitting the high spots:

Began reading porn (soft core stuff, Playboy) around 2nd grade.  Didn't know why…I only knew I liked it.
More explicit stuff at 12 or so (Hustler, Swank, Club Int'l, Cheri, etc)
Started PMO almost daily at 13
Been consistently sexually active since 16 (but still looked at porn most daily)
1st computer with access to constant porn at 22
Very minor ED in my 20's (hard time achieving erections with new partners, but all things ok once relaxed)
Started dating wife at 25, married at 30 (no issues, still looking at porn, even some nights after sex)
1st kid at 33, 2nd at 35 (porn use really picked up)
  All typical excuses.  Wife too busy with kids to have time for me. I wanted more than she did and this is how I deal with it, etc.

I began having ED issues here and there consistently a year or so ago.  I found this sight and ybop this spring.  I tried initially to quit in April.  I only achieved marginal success, but was able to get a good erection in less than a week.  Unfortunately, I think my "success" convinced me that I could "manage" my addition, like a hard core drinker convincing himself that he can have a couple of drinks a day.  Before long, I was back into PMO even day.

The ED frustrates me now.  We still have sex, but it is forced on my part.  I'll stroke my cock in the shower to some fantasy and have to get out and put it in right away.  Most times, it works once I am inside her, but sometimes it goes down.  Also, I worry so much about it going down that I concentrate so hard on the feeling that I have really fast orgasms.  Anyway, the sex is less than ideal.

Last week, I tried to start a fresh reboot on Monday.  I felt really good about last week and we had sex on Friday.  I wasn't initially able to achieve an erection and we ended up showering together.  I stroked my cock in the shower like she was a 2d subject and I was able to get hard enough for sex.  It wasn't ideal, but it was sex.  It only made me more convinced that I needed to get better.

Sunday, I f'd up. Wife took kids to evening children's church program and I PMO'd.  I was in a good mindset all day, but one little trigger and I was all alone…
Anyway, I was depressed and mad all last night, but it is different than before.  This time instead of like being struck out by a bad ass pitcher thinking "I'm just a loser and will never be any good", I was more pissed feeling like I could and should have done better and "you can hit off of this son of a bitch". I am positive today.  I don't feel brain fog.  I resisted a binge (which usually always occurred before anytime I tried to quit).  Sure, I wished I did better, but I've seen one more of his tricky pitches and I am ready to get back to the plate.  I am totally in the game, playing to win.  No excuses for letting myself down the last time, I own that, but I am ready to make my healing happen….now.

Today wasn't like when I f'd up before.  I am not anxious, nervous, jittery or constantly thinking of porn.  I'm still mad I messed up, but I don't feel like I am on day one even though I am on day one all over again.  There is no brain fog or anything, just motivation.

I have been blessed in so many ways.  I truly love my wife.  Even if I didn't, she is a beautiful and sexy lady.  Any man would be lucky to be with her.  She now knows about my addiction and is understanding.  It is such a sad sad situation that I would let myself get to the point that I cannot be with her because of my addiction to images on a 2d screen.  The wasted time ends now.  I desire to be a better husband, man and father.  The time I have wasted in my life is mind boggling.  I desire to be healthy.  I desire to have a mind not polluted with the junk that I have poured into it for the last 25+ years.

Any advise is appreciated.  Prayers from those so inclined would also be appreciated.  Even thought this is my 1st post, I truly appreciate this site and everything those here have to offer.  I have lurked here a lot and feel like I know many of you already.

Sorry for the long post.

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